So how long have you felt that you had GID?

[~RoadToTrista~]

Everytime I hear people talk about it, they say they've felt that way since childhood, but I don't know if I can say that I have, and that's the biggest reason that makes me question myself.

I was effeminate, but, I never doubted my gender. I would play with my friends in school, but when I got older I would become embarrassed if someone observed my behavior. In high school right now I quickly close off on my conversation if someone else comes close at all. The only transsexual behavior I can think of was around my preteens I considered getting a sex change if I ever became in trouble with the law lol, but I also felt awkward at first when I had to change in front of guys, and when I became a teen I began having issues with taking off my shirt in front of people.

When I first began using an internet forum, I got mad at this guy, so I made a female alias to cuss him out. Then I joined this pointless little forum in another section of the site and identified as a guy at first, but that... I guess "bored" me? I reused my female alias and eventually I never used my former one on that forum again. I constructed a story for her, I'd rather not go in detail because those people from that old forum might be lurking around >.> lol. But part of me began to feel upset that this girl wasn't real, and part of me wished to be her.

When I became older my attitude became a little more masculine, and I was proud of it. I pictured my future self as a well-fit man much more outgoing and masculine than I was now (with many blasian children lol). I started playing wow when I started high school, exactly half my characters were male, and half were female. I never pretended I was female like I did before, if they asked, I'd say I was male, but I'd feel a little disappointed I guess. When I did play female characters, I didn't mind being called she, though I might have acted like I did. But I think 'he' was a little bit bothering.

A few years ago I was reading about transsexuals, and I came across Harisu, an mtf Korean singer. I thought she was gorgeous, I became obsessed a little with her but I kept telling myself I wasn't transsexual. One day I was in gym class I was imagining what being a transsexual at my high school reunion would be like, and then I just crashed in my mind and "accepted" that I was transsexual, which stressed me out. A few days or weeks later, I told myself it was a phase and moved on. Didn't think about it again for a year.

It came back a few months ago, and since then a day literally hasn't gone by where I don't think about it. But also, my mind feels more at ease with my emotions. Before I thought my life was going nowhere and I would just live the way I do the rest of my life. Another part of me questions if I'm just using transsexuality to escape this, or if I'm truly a woman. But I feel that if I did go through with this, I would be a much stronger person than I am right now.

I really want to get this all sorted out in therapy.

Oh and I'm sorry if my typing doesn't make sense.  though the fact that the page kept sliding up when I pressed a key didn't help much with that lol

[spacial]

You seem to have a lot of questions about your gender. To be frank, that you're asking these questions indicates they are there.

I sometimes imagine if I had been a more social person, had friends and spent timewith them, how things would have turned out.

But the what if question is part of being human I suppose.

[Almond]

I remember imagining what it was like to have breasts when I was 7 or 8. it only happened one time, though.

I think it was when I was 11 that I started wearing some of my sister's shoes. that's a little embarrassing to say, but I knew from that point that I wasn't like a normal male.

[Janet_Girl]

I don't think that there has not been a day when I did not think about it.  Some days were really bad.  Even now I have bad days, but those are mostly from being so close to SRS.  And having it just out of reach. *sigh*

[Rock_chick]

I knew the day I broke down in tears in the toilet becuase it finally dawned on me that I wasn't going to grow breasts. before that, i think i knew on some level, just not consciously.

[Alex201]

Erm, I'm just like you. I have not had it all my life which is a cause or major doubt and frustration for me...being I want this so bad. I too did the online thing. I acted as a guy online and I loved it to put it blunty....it made me feel good in ways being a girl has never felt...something I do not want to give up.

I mean, I did go through a period when I was younger of wanting to be a boy...[I was trying to convince myself I'd grow a penis]...but then it went away for years and I didn't question my gender since...until I started pretending to be a guy online.

So right now I'm trying to figure out if I'm transsexual or if I'm androgynous.

So I understand where you are coming from.

Best of luck!



-Alex

[Debra]

Everytime I hear people talk about it, they say they've felt that way since childhood, but I don't know if I can say that I have, and that's the biggest reason that makes me question myself.

Nobody is the same, every story is different. Sure, some are similar but try not to get caught up in the fact that your story doesn't match up perfectly with any number of others.

My story started out trying to figure things out at the age of 27. Later on I found out there were issues from my past I had blocked out but still....everyone is different

[Lee]

Looking back, I guess mid high school is probably when I started getting a "this is not right" feeling, though I've only been able to pin down what it is over the past year or so.  That's when I started to understand that people liked it when I dressed and acted feminine, so I went along with it.  Bad idea.  Anyways, my parents talk about a lot of things I did when I was little that make me think I knew a lot earlier than I realize.  I guess that gender really sets in at age 3-4, and my parents describe me as suddenly becoming introverted around then.  We've always wondered about it, and now I'm curious if it is gender related.

[LeAnne]

I do remember when I was little knowing something was different, but not really sure what it was.  Then there was a while where I pretty much put it back, and basically did my best to ignore it and try to be "normal".  That pretty much made things worse.  Now I've come to terms with things, going to call next week to make an appointment with a therapist.

[Nilisa]

Erm, I'm just like you. I have not had it all my life which is a cause or major doubt and frustration for me...being I want this so bad. I too did the online thing. I acted as a guy online and I loved it to put it blunty....it made me feel good in ways being a girl has never felt...something I do not want to give up.

I mean, I did go through a period when I was younger of wanting to be a boy...[I was trying to convince myself I'd grow a penis]...but then it went away for years and I didn't question my gender since...until I started pretending to be a guy online.

Pretty much the same here.

I'll admit that my story sounds slightly similar to yours, Trista, although my 'initial' presenting online happened for reasons I truly don't remember, and I don't think I've really looked back since. Presenting as male began to feel wrong, and I spent years shying from myself. My Facepage and MyBook accounts never had a picture of me as default, and I lived - for maybe a year or two, perhaps longer - what felt like a double life. I'd wake up and go to college/work as male, and come home and be female online. I'm living it again now, but the female aspect feels more natural, especially as I'm letting it into my life through near constant 'cross dressing' (i.e. I wear items of female clothes under my male ones).

I mean I still sign up for a number of things - especially ones involving money or deliveries - as male, but I'm slowly showing myself as female more and more. On one news site I frequent, I signed up as female and I don't think anything of it. It's how I'm comfortable being seen, both by myself and others. When I've been looking in the mirror recently, I see less and less of a male and more and more of a female. It's amazing how subtle it is, too.

I'd say I started to recognise it between... Well, I'd say 19-20. I'd had hints in the years preceeding that, but it's really only been something I've truly acknowledged in the past two or three years.

[~RoadToTrista~]

Thanks for your comments guys, it helps. 

That last part I said about my emotions isn't true. Today my day was full of stress, and I was nervous about what comments would come up here. There's this one girl at my school, she's so free spirited. I became kinda jealous, and I wondered if I would be that open if I was born a woman, and I became upset that I had to live my teenaged years like this.

[Elijah3291]

I have been transitioning for 2 years.  I was questioning my gender probably 3 years ago, i started dressing andro, and playing with my gender, then i realized that I was transgendered.

I am not one of the typical 'childhood' transgender people.  i wasn't a girl or a boy when I was a kid, i mean, yes i was actually a girl, but i didn't really act like either, or think about being a girl.

[Rosa]

I didn't seriously start questioning until late in life, probably because I was taught to have such a poor view of women when I was young that being a woman wasn't anything I could consider. 

[Jenna_Nicole105]

Not sure if I fit the 'norm' of early childhood realization or not, because quite honestly I tend to remember very little from that point in time.

I did start cross dressing around the age of 8 or 9, though it was my early to mid teens when I realized there was a chance something was seriously not right with me.

I remember crying myself to sleep quite a bit during my teenage years, because I wanted to be a girl so badly.

[japple]

Most of my earliest memories involved gender.  I suppose I remember them from the intense shame they caused.

4 years old. Riding cross country with my Mom and Brother.  My brother says his lips are dry and my mom puts  lip gloss on him. She tried to offer some to me and I recoiled. I knew that was a girl thing and if I did it she would see that I liked it and hate me.

6 Years old. I find one of my Mom's half slips by her bed.  It seems too short for her, I thought it was an evening gown for me. I thought.."She knows, she left this for me." and I looked for her to talk to me about it at any time...she never did.

Pre-school. I would trick girls in school to trade clothes with me. "It'd be really funny."  Then I would wear a dress for as long as I could and play with the girls.  One of the girls had peel off nail polish. I stole it.

Not a day in my life went by that it didn't bother me. I would coat my lips with ketchup, steal girl's clothes.  In middle school I got a hold of some makeup and would come home from school and wear makeup and women's clothes every day for an hour or two until my parents got home.  I only hung out with girls at school.

I'm not sure how old I was when I started masturbating but I couldn't touch my penis.

I got severly depressed in 9th grade when I started to become male.  I grew my hair long and got a perm which made me feel a little better but I started to withdrawl.  I'd act out in class but mostly was depressed.  I wore tights and panties under my clothes. 

--------------------------------------

I've learned to live a good life but I often get depressed about how little information there was then.  I had no idea what I was or why I did what I did.  It was just a very very bad secret.  I was 20 when I moved to a city and went to a club and started to understand things.  By then I was 5' 11" with broad shoulders and a receding hairline.  I could never be a girl.  I've spent the next 16 years in and out of therapy and living a pretty successful life with a terrible empty feelings just under the surface.

[Nygeel]

I never felt pressure to conform to a gender and always sort of did what I wanted to. I started wearing boy clothes exclusively when I was maybe...9 years old with the exception of things like swimsuits and when I felt like dressing up in a skirt or dress. The first time anybody mentioned something about me being different was when I was in maybe...9th grade (age 15?). I was on little league and was the only "girl" in the league. I played alright but this one guy had a problem with me being on the league. He asked if I thought I was a boy. I really didn't think or feel I was a boy, I just knew I liked playing baseball. I never associated a gender with the things I did. I was also very ignorant of my body (still am). I didn't even know that transgender men existed until I was 17 or so and started doing some experimenting with my identity and presentation. Identified as genderqueer for maybe 2 years and male/man for 4 years after that. Right now I'm sort of swaying back and forth between genderqueer and a male identity in terms of my gender, and a sex queer/male identity in terms of my sex identity.

[VeryGnawty]

I didn't feel that I was transsexual until I was about ten years old.  But it took a year or two before the dysphoria really became a problem.  By the time I was thirteen I had started to get suicidal thoughts.  I spent the next eight years escaping into games/books/fantasy/daydreaming.  It was the only thing that kept me alive.

Before puberty, I never had any concept that I was different or that anything was wrong.  I didn't have any problem identifying as a boy, and I didn't have any desire to be a girl.  All of that came within about a year or two starting with puberty.

[E]

While there were hints throughout my childhood, the first clear one was about age 12, when punerty began. I saw myself in a mirror and was horrified, but resolved that whatever was wrong, nothing could be done, so I'd accept I had to live in a deformed body, hide it away, and try not to think about it. Throughout my teens, I wished to be a girl, dreamt about it, etc., but because I didn't know about trans stuff, I thought it was a creepy and perverted sexual thing (being asexual and knowing nothing about that either, I figured there had to be some sex stuff up there, and identified the trans stuff as such), and was ashamed of it.

I only realized the truth when I connected the dots between all the different issues I had and found that they corresponded to the stuff I saw trans people write online. The shock was bad enough that I couldn't eat a bite for a week. I was 22.

[Rowan]

I knew something was off at a very young age. About the age where people started telling me to put my shirt on cause "girls don't run around shirtless." Before that I didn't really see the world in Male and Female. I just saw people who were my friends, and everyone else. It took years to finally realize that I wasn't just someone who was weird and wrong, I was male, trying to present as female because that's what matched my body.

I got bashed a great deal in high school for not conforming to the popular type girls. Hid under layers of gothiness with a very male twist. Got hit on by loads of girls who thought I was a butch lesbian. Went out pretty much exclusively with bi or closeted gay men, but always ended up dumping them because somehow in the back of my mind I never felt right for them. I felt happy, but seriously inadequate/unworthy of their affection.

I didn't really figure it out until about 23. Connections were finally really made when I started writing on a daily basis. I think the happiest day of my life was when I got my first packer in the mail. I think I was testing myself to see if it really was that I wanted to be outwardly male, or if I was just fooling myself into an "easy answer" (WTF about this is easy?) Stuck it in my underoos and suddenly felt complete.

[Trans Truth]

I have had GID since before 4 years old.

However, some of my trans friends didn't question their gender until their teens. I have even read about a case where GID didn't begin until age 21. So I guess it varies.