problems with booze and self-harm

[Kev]

Hi,

not sure how to put this. For a while now my mornings start off with a double bourbon and a few sips of it throughout the day. In the evening usually a double again. I'm not sloshed anymore, but this every day thing kinda bugs me.
Especially when I'm not at home. When I'm somewhere else where I can't do that. I usually tell myself that I'll be home at night and can have all the bourbon I need. I don't need very much.
I can go days without needing any. And then some day I wake up and I just know that it is a bad day and the following days wil be just as bad. Then I tiptoe around the bottle forever, before I tell myself "what the heck". I'm not good in telling myself "no" when I need something.

I feel like there is a cork in my chest, that blocks up all the air. It's not that I can't breathe. I can. It's just that I keep bottling up everything I feel because I have to function in every day life.
I can't be myself. And I'm just numb sometimes. I feel like doing stupid things. Sometimes I just want to get wasted on liquor just to give the world the finger.
Just for a few hours of not having to be that woman that everybody sees.

And sometimes I feel like hurting myself, too. I don't know myself, when I'm like this.
It is just not me. Only time I did it before was when I was a teen and had a lot of stress. I used to burn myself. And for a few weeks now Ihave been thinking about doing it again.
Then dismissing the thought and hoping the need would go away. But the pressure somehow increases.
So I give in to it, and I feel better, but just for a little while. What bugs me is not so much that I do it, but that I can't do it the way I want to, because people would ask. I don't want anybody to know.
Also, I'm really ashamed to tell anybody. I could tell my therapist, but I wouldn't want her to think that I do this.
I really need to be on my own for a few hours and be able to do what I need. It doesn't hurt anybody but me and I just need it. I will feel better after it. I can't have my partner know.
I don't know what to do.   

[Janet_Girl]

I would discuss both problems with your therapist.  You already realize you have a problem.  Now you need to get in touch with those who can help.

[Renate]

I don't know, Kev, starting out the morning with a drink sounds like the thin end of the wedge.
It's hard to say when something becomes a problem,
but I think that you have a problem and need to tell your therapist.

Maybe you are the type who can handle moderation and maybe you're not.
If you're not, the only answer is abstinence.
Even fixating on rules is a sign of alcoholism.
"I won't take a drink before X o'clock."
"I'll only drink today because of..."

[Kev]

I guess so, Renate.

I will discuss this with my therapist. I was just hesitant to tell her about all of this.

[andro]

Have you thought about a local AA meeting? I'm not saying your an alcoholic, but alot of people there are wise and nonjudgmental and may give you the support you need to feel safe in talking with your therapist about your issues. In my experience of (life long) bottling things up, i have self medicated with alcohol, I feel more confidant and able to relax and be me. But i found a lot of understanding when i went through rehab in meetings.  

[JosieD]

Hello... I'm going to cut to the chase. You probably are an alcoholic (I would know)!!!  My Fav Flav was Jack Daniels. I did the AA and it didn't work.  I one day came to the realization of why I drank myself to oblivion and dealt with it HARD.  I basically lost everything and had to start over from scratch.  I'm finally starting HRT and I think that the alcohol stopped being a priority once I realized why I needed to be numb.   I still KNOW that I'm an alcoholic.  That will never change.  But, I've NEVER been more content in life; even without the booze.  Hang in there and definitely speak with your therapist about this and be TOTALLY honest.  You're hurting yourself when you hold things inside.  I'm new here, but I see that this is a Fab' place to open your heart when you need to.  Hang in there!!! HUGS