Be selfish or sacrifice to family?

[Medusa]

Hi
I want to ask, especialy older ones who stay with family and childrens and transit at higher age.
I have a little dilema, I have 2 small childrens and I want even more
So my question is: be selfish and transit or sacrifice to family and try to be good father
I dont think I can hold it much longer, but I have doubts about effect to childrens
What is your opinion or experience

[LordKAT]

It won't affect your children any more than you allow it to. They will take it in stride if you and those around you do.

[spacial]

I don't think anyone could put it better than Kat.

You're still their dad, the same person. That's what they need to know.

Hopefully some others here with small children can give you their experiences.

[Julie Marie]

The S word.  One must be careful both using it and falling prey to it.

But before you do either, consider this: Selfish is different than self interest.  Self interest takes others into consideration.  Selfish does not.

[PoisonParadise]

Sacrifice to family and try to be good father.
You did what you did, you decided to give life, to be a father so take responsibility for this. You knew what you were doing, you should have thought about it before you decided to have kids.

AND DONT MINUS ME. Its just what I think.

[Mrs Erocse]

As Oscar Wilde wrote...
"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. And unselfishness is letting other people's lives alone, not interfering with them. Selfishness always aims at creating around it an absolute uniformity of type."

"Live! Live the wonderful life that is in you! Let nothing be lost upon you. Be always searching for new sensations. Be afraid of nothing."

Thank you for that quote Rabbit. I agree whole heartedly.

Being transgender is unusual. It is not a familiar experience for most people. It is not a common experience, thus is viewed as "wierd" by society. It is not wrong or ugly.

Children would be blessed to learn acceptance. My youngest daughter taught me acceptance before we even knew Roxy was transgender. I sat in amazement at her open minded consideration of others. I learned from her. Though we did not  impress our conservative religious up bringing, we were raised with, on her, it shadowed our views. I consider her open mind a gift to me.

The problem is with society. They are not informed. Studies are not done and acknowledged publicly. When a child is born if a parent were told that they have a daughter or son on the outside, but should wait to and confirm the identity till the child was older the possibility would be open to the parent at that point. The following misunderstandings and crooked roads taken, then would be avoided. It is not a transgendered persons fault for society ignorance and lack of acceptance. It is in fact societies fault. The road is difficult and they need to protect themselves from so many things. Self acceptance and understanding takes so long because of denial and a wish to  conform.  I do not think that should be held against someone.
There are things about myself I have not yet come to accept.

Life should be filled with love and acceptance.  Children who are raised with it are blessed. An open and happy life is a good thing.

Many hugs.
Patty

[Janet_Girl]

If one is happy with ones self, those around us can share in that happiness.  But when one is unhappy, those around us have to share that too.

So if transitioning is going to make you happy, then those around you will live a happy life too.  therefore you transition to make not only yourself happy, but make the lives of those around you have happy lives.

You transition to improve their lives, not to ruin them.

[Mrs Erocse]

Janet is right!!!!  I can vouch for that 100%.

Hugs.
Patty

[Sandy]

Hi
I want to ask, especialy older ones who stay with family and childrens and transit at higher age.
I have a little dilema, I have 2 small childrens and I want even more
So my question is: be selfish and transit or sacrifice to family and try to be good father
I dont think I can hold it much longer, but I have doubts about effect to childrens
What is your opinion or experience

The question to ask yourself is this.  Which would better serve the interests of your children, a living parent or a dead father.

In my own case, I am a late bloomer and became actively suicidal before I came out to myself and started transition.  In my case it was a bit easier, because both my children were adults.  But they still were my kids and I had to choose between living and dying.

If you are at what I would call the terminal stage of gender dysphoria, and you are having intense suicidal ideation or attempts and then kill yourself, you will never be anything but a traumatic hole to your children.

If you stay and transition and simply present this as a normal thing that can happen then they will accept it.  And you will continue to be a loving part of their lives.  You will always be their father, nothing can change that, but you will remain in their lives.

Children are tabula rasa and have no preconceived ideas about gender.  If you make it clear to them that this is a rare condition and will not happen to them and that you still love them and nothing changes about that they will accept.

In other words is if you stay in their lives, then you will alway have an opportunity to love and nurture them.  If you die you will lose everything you hold dear.

-Sandy

[japple]

I have a 2 year old and one on the way. 

I am taking transition steps. I'm not sure how it's going to turn out but my wife says that I've become a better partner and parent since I started.

You can't bottle this stuff.  You've tried.  You're not being selfish by trying the truth in yourself.  Everyone is doing that.   You're going to be a better parent when you are a complete person.

Don't get obsessed about what you have to do or how you're going to turn out.  I had this terrible beastly image of a cartoonish Silence of the Lambs ->-bleeped-<- in my head that put me on the defensive. I imagined losing my family and children.   It COULD happen but hasn't yet..instead I'm finding a comfotable sense of self.

My therapist tells me to do what feels right and not intellectualize things.  It's been a life saver. I've never done what feel right and now that I've started I actually have much MORE time for family.  Instead of being in my own head I am confidently engaged with my wife and child.  There is nothing less selfish.

[MarinaM]

Sacrifice to family and try to be good father.
You did what you did, you decided to give life, to be a father so take responsibility for this. You knew what you were doing, you should have thought about it before you decided to have kids.

AND DONT MINUS ME. Its just what I think.

I won't minus you, I won't do that to a woman that I can understand and speaks her mind, but consider this:

You are young, and had the good fortune to recognize your condition and transition early. Some have suppressed themselves successfully forever, some try to live as best they can until they crack, some are like you. I was much like you: I knew early enough. I was deathly afraid and stuffed myself back in the closet for 11 years. I knew what I was doing when I had my daughter, I acknowledge this. I had a child, and maybe I shouldn't have, but I did what I did and can't get around the need to be me.

It turns out my daughter likes me as a "daddy girl," I've decided to stick around and be the best person that I can be for her, the best me is what she deserves, the best me is a woman. A child doesn't need a father, just a father figure, and that person doesn't have to be a man (gender binary be damned!). Never sacrifice yourself, never. Whether you die or not such an act can be termed suicide. If you are taken as a martyr that is one thing, to needlessly become a ghost of a human is another.

I understand and appreciate your point of view, I would never father another child. Knowing what I know now I would not have done it then. Though, I can not say that I regret what I did. We have children, whether this is right or wrong is something I will not argue. Though, I do like your honesty.

Medusa:
Take some time to reflect, don't string your family along any further if you plan to transition.

[Nicky]

I've transitioned successfully and I have two young kids.

I truely believe that they are better off with a happy parent than a dead one. Even if I had not killed myself I would not have been 'alive'.  It is part of the reason I ended up transitioning. I wanted to be happy for my kids.

It came at a price, me and my wife seperated and we now share custody. I will never regret having those kids. I have been a dad, and am now a mum. They are loved by me and my ex wife. More love than they had before when I was miserable.

I guess a lot of people automatically assume that the partner will get custody. It does not have to be that way, they are your kids as much as theres. I realise laws in some country are not so fair and it is not always a choice, but you can transition with kids and still be a good parent.

[kate durcal]

I was about to transition when I got married. The plan change, the new plan was to have a family and then when the kids where gone to college I will transition. Well, things did not workout quiet that well. I was outed by my spouse when the youngest boy was in high school. It was a small town, and pretty soon I was the gossip of the day. My kids were taunted and tormented in the school and in town. It affected them, lost of anger and tears. I was so emotional with gilt and shame. We left the bitch behind and move to a new town. Now I have delay my transition and keep a low profile.

My sad story

Best to you

Kate

[cynthialee]

I never had children, I am sterile. But I didnt know that until after I had spent years trying to become a parent.
I completely understand any transwomans need to be a parent being placed before her transition. I spent years doing exactly that.
Had Sevan become pregnant I might not have come out for many more years.
The drive to reproduce is one of the strongest drives we have.

[annette]

My Son was very young when I started transition.
I told him what was going on in a childish way and he seems to understand.
Now he is 35 and we still have a good contact.
So, when you are honest to children and speak to them in a way they can understand, I don't see a problem.
And according to Janet, if you are happy people around can be happy.

hug
annette