Not telling family at all... and just moving on

[MsSaneJane]

Have any of you people heard of or know of examples where individuals didn't  tell their  families and friend  at all and just moved on or broke contact with family and friends. I'm asking this because i know exactly how my family will react to me telling them I'm trans. I had a cousin who came out as lesbian and the family now has almost nothing to do with her.

[quinn]

I don't know anyone who's done that, but I'm going to do that once I start my transition (avoid just my family, I mean; my friends already know I'm trans, and most of them are totally fine with it). Before I came to terms with my trans identity (FtM), I identified as a lesbian, and my family reacted very badly to that. That was over 5 years ago, and although they aren't as hateful about it as they were initially, they still say homophobic things in front of me. They hate trans people about ten times more, though, so I doubt they would ever accept me if I told them I'm trans. I think it's probably better to avoid it entirely, and just get on with my life without them.

[aubrey]

If you plan on taking off anyways then what is the harm in telling them?

[quinn]

mija: I can't speak for MsSaneJane, but I know what my family's like, and I'd rather not be gossiped about.

[Sarah B]

Hi Ms SaneJane

I have been a very quite and private person all my life and only my aunt and uncle only knew a few private details about me.  One year before I finally left my family and friends, I finally realised that I was a female and one year later when I left my family and friends my uncle and aunt knew that I was going to live my life as a female and they only knew where I was going for security purposes.

In other words I never told my family, they thought I was going to university, my work colleagues thought I was going on a long holiday and my friends did not know what I was doing.  I left my family because I did not want any repercussions to occur to them as a result of what I was going to do from the 'community' or in other words I did not want any shame to placed upon in any shape or form.

Within one day of arriving in the city that I was going to spend the next 15 years, I changed my name legally and inside of 3 months I was working full time, so in other words they could not even find me either.  However, approximately 6 months later and due to family pressure they found out from my uncle and fortunately my whole family accepts me for who I am.  Eventually I caught up with all my family one at time 5 years later.

So if you decide to leave and not say anything to your family members it can and has been done.  However keep in mind that if your family care for you even thought they do not know about your personal problems, then they might start searching for you by asking your friends or filing a missing persons report.

On several occasions I discussed with my uncle who would accept me and who would not.  Maybe you could talk to your cousin about these issues, I don't know but it is something to consider before you finally disappear permanently.  Both Mija and Quinn have stated some good points and only you can decide how you are going to deal with this particular issue.

I visit my family often and they visit me also.  However, I live and work in another state where nobody knows about me and that is the way it always will be.

Kind regards
Sarah B

[Sandy]

That is called living in stealth.  And while it could work for a while, it would not be a long term solution.  Your past always catches up with you.  Sooner or later you would be found out.

It is the way trans people used to have to transition.  Move away, and start a new life.  But in many cases they would be found by their family or were discovered by their new associates.  Usually they would have to start their lives over again from the bottom.  See Lyn Conway's life story for a perfect example of a stealth life.

The thing is, if you come out to your family and friends and they all turned away from you, you would be in much the same position as if you moved away.  You would have no one who would contact you.

However, there may be the possibility that some of them would accept you.

And even if they didn't and you moved away, they at least would have the knowledge of knowing why.  If you break contact with no statement or explanation, they would always wonder why.

Also, given time, some may change their mind and come to accept you over time.  Especially if they see that you are happy and successful in your new life.

I don't want to say that going stealth is a thing of the past, but it is much harder today than before.

-Sandy

[regan]

Agreeing with what everyone else has said, if you're convinced they're going to reject you, you have nothing to lose by telling them.  Its one thing when its an abstract person to have anti-GLBT thoughts/feelings, but it has to challenge at least some of those notions when its your own family.

Move away, cut off all contact and you're potentially cutting out a huge part of your future support network without giving them a chance to prove themselves otherwise.  Family members have an overriding need to save us from our own bad decisions, give them time to see that it's not a bad decision and they may come around.

[spacial]

I walked away from my family many years ago.

No regrets.

It wasn't specifically for that reason. But I couldn't transision or anything else while I was pursuing a fruitless effort to live up to their standards.

[Kay]

My own opinion is similar to the others here.  I'd at least tell them why you're leaving.  Depending on how violent/vicious you expect your family to be, you may need to be cautious about how you tell them.  You may need to do it after you leave, and by letter from an undisclosed location, or better yet by e-mail, so they at least have a way to tell you how they feel  about you (some people may surprise you...and if they don't, you close the e-mail account and contact with them for good).   
This way, if they don't accept you, then they won't be looking for you.  If you didn't tell them, they probably would look for you...wondering what happened to you.  It's easier to start over away from everyone else, if you know your past isn't searching for you.
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For myself: I've thought about moving away from everyone many times now, and just starting over from scratch.    It's still an option that's open on the table, and often looks rather inviting.  When I think about it though, I guess I think it would be terribly unfair to most of my family, when only a couple of them really deserve it.  I can't say any of them will accept me.  Coming out could be downright horrible.  But I'll give them the chance.  I deserve that much, and so do they.   If they squander that chance, then I can walk away with no regrets, no 'what ifs', and no need to wonder how things might have been.
.
Make sure you're not avoiding telling them, simply to avoid the stresses and issues that surround coming out.  People are complex.  It's a lot different when a complete stranger or distant family member comes out as LGBT  than it is for a brother/sister.  It hits closer to home...and makes some people re-evaluate their preconceptions.  I have a sister that is very homophobic, but she's also extremely protective of her siblings.  Values are hard to judge...you never know which way people will fall, and what they will choose as most dear to them when given the need to make that choice.
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As to the original direct question:  I do know many people in the Trans-community that have walked away from their family.  They keep no contact, and their family doesn't know where they are, their name, or anything about their life.  Usually it's because their family reacted poorly/violently to them when they came out.  But all of them have at least told their family.   The only ones I know of that didn't tell their family at all, are late transitioners that have no family or only distant family left, or those that aren't out yet (some of whom don't plan on coming out).

[sascraps]

Heh heh, I'm not worried about my family rejecting me. My family rejected me at birth. They've always hated me, and the hate is mutual! I've long dreamed of being able to disappear and start off somewhere new with a whole new identity and leave those miserable hags to wallow in their own misery without me! So I would actually prefer if they didn't know my desire, intentions or possible plans for the rest of my life. Although I may tell them in hopes of causing a heart attack or a stroke if they keep provoking me and trying to control every minute of my life. 

[Chantal185]

Telling Family can be a very difficult thing to do, and although I have not worked up the courage to do so myself yet, I know this is a step I have to do before I can really start to move on. Even if you are going to another city, I am sure you at least want to have some sort of relationship with them, and in the end you will feel better by telling them. There is a lot of pain in hiding this your whole life and then before you know it there is no way to tell them any more. Just to know that they were not left in the dark and that you tried to make things work can be very rewarding. It is better than having their last memories of you be running off and never knowing what happened to you. You will know for certain if they are hateful, or if they accept and may even give you a lot of support morally or financially.

[joshany12]

your all forgetting something iv been told many times here.
sometimes the ones we expect to have the worst reactions end up being the most helpful and supportive. ive read storied here of people who expected this from family members, only to have them become hugely financially and emotionally supportive, so dont write them off just yet without a chance.

[Padma]

Yep, prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. Caution is sensible (it's an expression of self-care) but don't assume the worst, just allow for it. And if you tell them, you have the initiative - if anyone's going to be getting the ulcers, it'll be them if they can't deal with it, you're not waiting for them to "find out".

Living in stealth is bad for your health™

[Alice in genderland]

Well, I'll be telling my parents in about six weeks. The time and place is more or less settled cause I'll have to catch a plane to go and see them. Sometimes I thought about simply not telling them, as I am pretty sure that: 1) I'll be breaking my mom's heart and expectations; 2) my dad will not understand it; 3) the "scene" will be breaking my heart too. It's gonna be a greek tragedy, no doubt.

Bloody hell, I have even thought about telling them on the phone . But the point is that if you don't tell them and just break up with them, you still lose them, break their hearts (and yours) and do not even give them the improbable opportunity to accept you. You get all  bad things the same, with no hope of getting the good one.

Also, I  know my voice and my legs will tremble, but I want to stand tall at least once and explain my parents who I truly am. The rest is for them to decide. That will definitely hurt, but if don't do that I may regret for a long time that I didn't dare do it and at least have closure in that department. Imagine Luke Skywalker if he hadn't faced Darth Vader?

[cynthialee]

Before my transition I was a hatefull ass. I lived my life always upset and angry. My family pretty much did not like me in any way.
When I came out of the closet my family finally had an answer as too why I was constantly miserable. My transition gave my family a second chance to love me. They took up this oportunity.
Even those of my family who disliked and despised me the most have given me a second chance.

Since I came out I have been much easier to get along with. I smile, I play and I love.

Maybe being trapped in the wrong body has made you hard to live with?
It did me.

Now I don't know about your family so I can not even say that they will be cool with you.

[MsSaneJane]

I just wana thanks everybody for their perspectives, and I'll keep all of them in mind for my decision.