wanting something more than i ever thought i could

[joshany12]

since i started to deal with these feelings, the things ive lived with all my life but repressed, ive noticed something.

i lived 19 years of my life the way many of us did, being a man, and whilst i wanted to be one of the girls, thought like them, just wanted to be accepted by them, i ignored those feelings and they didnt bother me.

but these past few weeks, trying wearing new clothes, trying new names, talking to people about my feelings on it and reading all the experiances here, ive hit this point in my life.

i dont feel complete anymore as josh. i spend all day thinking about the next step, how my life could change, the things im going to loose (which there are alot) and the things im going to gain by exploring this side of me.

i am sat here now, just wishing that when my family got home they would say "hi laura" or that i might get invited to that girls movie night i i know is happening. i cant deny these feelings anymore.


i know that ill loose alot, like ill have to leave my dads side of the family behind forever as my younger brothers are severely disabled and wouldnt be able to understand the change ect. but i never knew i could want this life as much as i do. i just wish it wasnt so hard haha.

i know ive been rambling, but ive been stuck in my head all day and needed to get this off my head 

[Padma]

People can surprise you (like you're going to surprise them at first!) - don't write off your dad's side of the family, they are people, and people are beautifully flexible if you treat 'em right. good luck, and let it flow...

[joshany12]

well little bit of background to my dads side, my father left when i was age 2. i have very little relationship with him as it is because we are so different as hes a real mans man. i guess seeking his aproval is alot of the reason i was in denial, if he doesnt want to hang out with his son, what chance would his daughter have XD.
my 2 younger brothers are both autistic, i am too, but on the "high functioning" end of the spectrum (never liked describing it as less severe XD).
because of there condition, they are terrible at change, and uncomfortable with people who arent family. theyre also hugely loving of me. they ask often to have me over or to visit me ect.
i know that in terms of them, they wouldnt be able to handle the change of having to know there brother was becoming theyre sister.
also i know that faking manlyness was the only way i could spend time with nmy father. i know that inevitably, transition will cost me my relationship to that side.

[Padma]

It'll definitely change your relationship, but it may not end it. And you being yourself is an amazing example to anyone. I do understand your fear about how it might all turn out, I'm just saying: let yourself be less certain. :-)

[joshany12]

i know. its just, all of this has hit me so suddenly, and in such an undeniable way. its just terrifying. im sure you know that already though haha

[Padma]

Yeah, I'm older than you (and consequently less flexible at the moment) so it's taking me longer to undo the denial habit! They may not get it at first, but believe me, it's a gift to your family and loved ones to see you becoming happier.

I know the thing that scares me is the part of me that wants a big change to happen by this afternoon - but everything's more gradual than that, it only seems sudden because you're suddenly more aware than you were of your feelings. It feels like white-water canoeing, but if you slow down a bit, the scenery is amazing! (sorry, imagery overload, but my imagination is running wild too.)

(...sending you a brotherly/sisterly hug here...)

[RachelH]

Hey Laura, I completely agree about been overwhelmed. In the space of 3 weeks I've gone from wishing and hoping, to it moving very quickly.  Sometimes just a small event can trigger the transition. But one thing that has become very clear, I don't mind what I'm going to have to lose as I felt I wasn't truly living anyway.

But you never know how people will react and I've seen so many girls write on here about how accepting or even indifferent people in your life can actually be, as well as the more sad cases. What is a huge deal for us can be exaggerated by our own minds. Don't write people off until they know, and have shown their true colours. Sometimes a parent's love for their child will override every small minded idea in their head. Or you may have just perceived their life views incorrectly. By all means plan for the worst, but you also have got to hope for the best!

I wish you the best of luck with starting your transition.
x

[JaimeJJ]

Hi Laura, I also had a very similiar relationship with my dad like you just described.  Last week, my mum told him the truth about me and what I was going through and what I was going to do and his reaction was so unexpected! I made a post on here about it, if you have a look for it under my posts you will see it (so I don't have to type it again!).

He cried and told me he loved me and hugged me, 3 things that he has never done to me in my entire life.  I still can't get over it! Maybe your dad could have a similiar reaction... don't say it will never happen because this is such a massive thing for people to deal with and you will be surprised by peoples reactions!

[joshany12]

thanks for the responses huys
your helping me panic a little less about a very confusing thing so thankyou 

[regan]

First, there are no right or wrong answers.

I found a relative outlet for many of my feelings, mostly dealing with self-expression, through the gay community.  As my therapist and I have discussed, a number of transgendered people express the freedom to express themselves and participate in the activities you've described.  I can't say that if I was female I would feel better about hugging people, or expressing my emotions, or acting feminine - I can express all that and more in the gay community.  Understand that just being female is not an automatic entry in to girls night, there are plenty of cis females that will attest to that, though plenty of gay men do enjoy all sorts of "girls night" activties.

No one can tell you what your feelings are and I'm living proof that you can only hide in the gay community for so long.  But know what the alternatives are before you committ to what you decide is "the only way".

I will leave you with one final thought, there is a difference between femaleness and femininity.  Take the time to be sure you understand the difference.

[joshany12]

@ regan
i did spend a few years trying to be a straight guy in the gay comunity, but it just made me realise that wasnt me. and after reading your closing thoughts yesterday i stayed up until 4am thinking about the difference and i understand now and i know which applies to me. thanks
i know that femininity is something ive observed in guys i tried to be friends with, with gay guys ive known, but its not me. femaleness is something different, something i have to face. i always joked about my femininity, but it was my femalness i was denying. thanks

@jennifer90
im gonna go read your post in a minute, only reason i havent yet is thinking about the possibility my father might do that had me in tears, uncontrolable. it would be a dream come true for even 1 of them to happen, and im gonna live in hope that it does. thankyou