Help the poor bio dude get a clue.

[matrixsailor]

I am starting a relationship with a TS woman and trying to understand, this is new. Please direct me to another forum/site if you think this isn't the right place for my questions.

About me:  I was interested in meeting TS/TG women. That's how I came to meet my friend. I am not sure why I am interested, it's why I am here. I don't think she was interested in hooking a "->-bleeped-<-" and I know it's not about money.  The woman I met seems to have deep feelings about her identity and transitioning.  Part of my attraction (I think) is that she must be so intentional and committed to the experience of being a woman. I intend the following questions to help me learn, I am not trying to prove or provoke.   

Quesiton 1: Should the TG experiences of a woman be off limits to men, because that's not treating her as a woman?  Should I not ask her much about it?

Question 2: Aren't there some pre-op women who enjoy their plumbing, or would all pre-op women want to eventually have SRS?

Thanks for your kind replies.  It is difficult to think and learn about this topic because of all the porn/misinformation on the web.  Gracias

[Nygeel]

About me:  I was interested in meeting TS/TG women. That's how I came to meet my friend. I am not sure why I am interested, it's why I am here. I don't think she was interested in hooking a "->-bleeped-<-" and I know it's not about money.  The woman I met seems to have deep feelings about her identity and transitioning.  Part of my attraction (I think) is that she must be so intentional and committed to the experience of being a woman.

In my opinion this is part of a ->-bleeped-<- mentality.

Quesiton 1: Should the TG experiences of a woman be off limits to men, because that's not treating her as a woman?  Should I not ask her much about it?

What do you mean off limits to men? My advice is usually to not talk about her transition, or trans related things unless she brings it up.

Question 2: Aren't there some pre-op women who enjoy their plumbing, or would all pre-op women want to eventually have SRS?

There are women who are pre-op who want surgery and think it will be worth it. There are women that are non-op who don't want surgery at all. Usually there's a disliking of using the genitals in a way that a cis male would (for penetrating) and a disliking for referring to a trans woman's genitals in a male manner. Usually with hormones the non-standard equipment can't do the things it once did (specifically erections and powerful ejaculation).

[RachelH]

Wow, interesting questions, not sure I'll give what you need as I'm new to transition but not the transsexuality. Firstly to the first 2 it depends purely on the girl your talking too. There is so much variability in individuals that you will have to figure out where your girl lies.

However, if she is open to you, and the fact that you know she is TS, then is suggests that she will be open about some of the experiences, it gives a lot of support having someone you love and trust to talk too.

The second question, a person who would want to keep their plumbing as is, would suggest more an androgynous personality rather than a strongly identified TS women. As quite frankly one of the main concerns of many of us is exactly the male parts! But that is just how I feel about them, many people can live pre op.

The third question I personally think is the use of the girl as a sex object rather then been in a true relationship with her.

I'm sure some of the more experienced on this site will get to your questions, but that is how I would answer them.

[matrixsailor]

Nygeel: can you say more what you mean by "->-bleeped-<- mentality"?
RachelH: androgynous, hum, I don't know. Do you think that would apply to someone who has a strong feminine identity but does not seem to want to transition all the way? Thanks.

[RachelH]

Well depends how they identify themselves. But reading on here, and if you look you will find plenty of examples of people that don't want to go all the way for various reasons. But I personally have embraced my feminine identity and I want my body to match completly to how I have always thought, therefore that does mean everything changing, and I think the stronger the person feel's that they are female the more likly they will require the complete transition. Regardless of everything, including having children.

[Nygeel]

Nygeel: can you say more what you mean by "->-bleeped-<- mentality"?

->-bleeped-<- mentality...the thought process of a person who fetishizes, objectifies, and/or places emphasis on the "trans" and separates it entirely from all other gender experiences.

EX: "Part of my attraction (I think) is that she must be so intentional and committed to the experience of being a woman."
"You're so brave"
Things like that. She's not intentional or committed to "the experience." She simply is a woman.

I also have to say that there is no "transition all the way." What might be considered "all the way" for one person is not the same as "all the way" for another person. There is no definitive, absolute start and end point (or target end point). "All the way" for myself right now means simply taking hormones, socializing as the gender I identify as, and getting my name legally changed.
There are a lot of people with strong female and feminine identities that do not need or want any sort of surgery. There is a difference between identifying as feminine and female vs needing surgery to align everything. It doesn't make a woman less of a woman, less feminine, or less female if she wants to use or keep her genitals as is.

[ToriJo]

I'm the husband of a woman who was misidentified at birth, so I'm speaking from a second-hand perspective.

For your first question: if she says she's female, she is.  It's not just a matter of treating her as female, as that's just acting.  It sounds as if she is female from your descriptions of her, and, thus, is not simply "acting" like a female but rather being a female - so you probably shouldn't act like she's female either, but should know she is.  Now, I'm not saying you are or aren't doing that, I don't know, just that I would suspect that you could cause offense if you felt she was anything but female.

Second, as for what she likes in bed, that's something I can't even begin to guess.  I would say that it is something that, like any couple, you'll both need to work together to figure out.  I'm sure any possibility could exist for what she likes.

What I can speak about is this: With my wife, she appreciates my interest in learning more and speaking up as a spouse in appropriate places, as we have a close enough relationship that she knows I know who she is, and we trust each others' hearts.  But when we first started dating, other than her letting me know her history, the subject just didn't come up very much, as we are a heterosexual couple doing what most other heterosexual couples do.  Nor did she want me to be interested in her because of anything she went through, but rather she wanted me interested in who she is - fortunately that's pretty easy!

I'd say this - if she is like my wife, your girlfriend would want you to be attracted to her the same whether she was pre-op, post-op, or cis- (that is, identified as female at birth and today).  She probably would think it was kind of creepy if someone was interested in her primarily because of what her private parts looked or look like.

That said, I recognize that there are plenty of different kinds of people, and I can only speak with even halfway certainty about how my wife would feel about a given situation.  How your girlfriend feels...I can't answer that.

[pretty pauline]

You have explained it very well Slanan, my Husband thinks exactly the same, he was attracted to me and saw me as female, as a woman, being trans had absolutely nothing to do with it, when he first met me he said he liked the type of woman I was ''elegant & ladylike'' his words not mine, he had no idea I was trans at the time, he knows my history now.

About me:  I was interested in meeting TS/TG women. That's how I came to meet my friend. I am not sure why I am interested, it's why I am here. I don't think she was interested in hooking a "->-bleeped-<-" and I know it's not about money.  The woman I met seems to have deep feelings about her identity and transitioning. 

I can never understand this obsession some guys have with TS/TG women, fetish I don't know, if you care for her please respect her, going thru transition is not easy, I hope it works out for both of you, of course she has deep feelings about her identity and transition, support her, just try and except her as a woman, I wish both of you the very best of luck.
Pauline

[rejennyrated]

Simple question deserves a simple and straightforward answer.

In my experience the vast majority will want SRS eventually. There are indeed some non op people but when you realise that some of them are forced to be non op for medical reasons, others because of financial circumstances, you will realise that those who are non op simply because they do not want SRS are a very small minority indeed. Yes they do exist, but the likelihood is that anyone you hook up with will want to complete the process and simply will NOT want you if you think of them as anything but a normal woman who happens to have an unusual past.

You must also understand that there are vast differences in experience between people on this road. Most want the same end result but some have had an infinitely easier time than others. Some even transition in childhood. NEVER make the mistake of assuming anything about the person you meet. Just because you have seen a TV programme or even talked to someone else please always treat everyone as the individual that they are.

Bottom line. Do not ever confuse a genuine trans person with the frankly downright offensive chix with dicks porno fantasies that you can find on the internet. The reality for 99% of the people you will meet is nothing like that at all.

That said - good luck to you both.

[Debra]

I don't think I can add to anything that's already been said here. My own experiences relate similarly in many ways.

Bottom line. Do not ever confuse a genuine trans person with the frankly downright offensive chix with dicks porno fantasies that you can find on the internet. The reality for 99% of the people you will meet is nothing like that at all.

That being said, I have to constantly emphasize the above to many guys who contact me with "interest in TG/TS".

I am still surprised that anyone would think that what happens in porn is for real in life....and yet I keep hearing from them.

[N.Chaos]

That being said, I have to constantly emphasize the above to many guys who contact me with "interest in TG/TS".

I am still surprised that anyone would think that what happens in porn is for real in life....and yet I keep hearing from them.

Seriously? That's...kind of screwed up.
Then again, my girlfriend-who identifies as a lesbian-has gotten similar crap. I admit to watching a lot of porn, but I hate people who seem to think it's realistic in any way. That's just...ridiculous.