My dysphoria is NOT gone; nearly overwhelming today

[Melody Maia]

For the longest time I felt that the symptoms of my GID had abated. That the E has done its work and continues to do so, I am now full-time, I will get through my RLE and on to SRS one day and things will be fine. Things that used to trigger me, like teen girls, no longer have the same effect (besides run-of-the-mill jealousy) and so I thought "I am ok." I've recently discovered that isn't the case.

A couple of weeks ago I was IMing with another of the ladies here on Susan's when she showed me a picture of a beautiful actress in a bikini and I suddenly got a nearly overwhelming attack of dysphoria. Not because she was pretty, but because she had the one thing I can't have yet. I live my life as a female nowadays and even recently filed paperwork to change my name. I have all the freedom I've always wanted, but I am not complete and I must be complete.

I have recently been hanging out with a post-op friend and two of the ladies who were my inspiration are days away from the very thing I need to survive. It is triggering me something awful to the point that today I feel despondent. It is having a physical reaction in me that I can feel. I feel white-hot cold, if that makes any sense. A tension throughout my body from which I can't seem to find relief. It is very much like the feelings I had last summer when I just couldn't take it any longer and had to choose between ending it all and transition. It is nearly overwhelming and I can't stand it.

Hopefully these feelings will slowly go away as the post-op reports are filed and things calm down, but today it is miserable. Before anyone recommends it, I do already have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday. It will be my first formal meeting since I moved, so I am hoping that will help. I hope so because this is unbearable.

[NathanW]

I'm sorry to hear that *hugs* I hope it does get better for you, your not alone in feeling this way.
It's good that you have the support of your friends and I hope your therapy session goes well.

Luke

[cynthialee]

))hugz((

I know exactly how you feel.

))hugz((

[bethw]

I'm so sorry Melody. The only thing i can offer right now is a warm hug. Please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope they help.
Hugs. your friend.
Beth

[Janet_Girl]

I know exactly how you feel, Mel.  Mine goes into overdrive when ever I read of another sister heading to surgery.  Just know, Sis, we all go through them and we all know how you feel.  At least you have some friends you can see even if it is only now and then.

[SiobhanB]

Melody,

So sorry to hear you're struggling.  I have to say I know exactly how you feel, I'm not even on hormones yet for reasons outside of my transition.  Every day is a battle I don't seem to be winning.

Siobhan.

[Jenna_Nicole105]

I'm in the same boat in regard to girls getting SRS/GCS

I'm happy for them don't get me wrong, but there's also an unhealthy jealousy "why can't it be me?" sort of thought process that goes on.

The other night at work I was overwhelmed about having to present as a male and had to fight tears all day at work. When I got home I lay in bed  looking at a Victoria's Secret catalog and bikinis and just totally lost it and the tears came flowing. Why couldn't I have been born that way? Why couldn't I be the one getting ready to have surgery?

Both thoughts went through my head and were repeated over and over nauseam.  I can also relate to things like teenage girls being triggers. I find myself feeling cheated that I never got to experience that sort of thing.

What I try to do is simply remind myself that my time to be complete will come... it's going to take awhile, heck still taking steps toward an actual transition..  but it will come. Might take two years.. might take five years.. it will happen though.

It doesn't always provide instant relief... though it does more often than not eventually help. Reminding myself that it's a marathon and not a sprint helps as well.

I know it's difficult.. but have faith you will be 'complete' in due time and all the emotional pain will be worth it in the end.

Chin up sister!

[Christine Snider]

I know the feeling melody. I hope you feel better. Just be sure to remind yourself of how far you've come. You'll be where you want to be soon and will think back on all this and it will just be like a dream.

[Debra]

I can totally relate =) You'll get there girl. It's a process. *hugs*

[spacial]

Melody.

At the risk of repeating what others have said. I too know how you're feeling. It's just a little dose of hell really.

Bug hugs.

[Melody Maia]

Thanks for the replies of encouragement ladies. I've been lying under covers in bed for the last three hours trying to shake the feeling. Occasionally sleeping and having strange dreams of group therapy sessions or of being stuck between parked cars at the mercy of someone else moving. Doesn't take a genius to interpret them. The dysphoria persists.

[Rock_chick]

Don't worry Mel, in a years time you'll be an inspiration to other people just starting their transition (I reckon you already are actuallu ), and you'll be a few weeks and days away from being able to complain how much of a pain in the see you next tuesday dilating is.

You're time will come hun. 

[Sarah B]

Hi Melody

Sorry to hear that your are having a rough patch.   But as you have alluded to and I have mentioned in couple of recent posts that I have made.  Do the things that will make you happy, in other words get those letters, so that you can have the surgery.

As Tiffany and Helena have said (and others) your time will come and of course it will take time and soon you will be one of the old girls. 

Take care and look after yourself

Love and hugs
Sarah B

[Just Shelly]

Melody,

I know it may not make you feel any better, but I too have been having severe thoughts about GRS. I want it YESTERDAY. My thoughts are that it will never happen, its all a pipe dream. I can't even get myself to go full time.

You have come a long way. Try try to do your best to think of how you have progressed and not about the future. It sounds at least you will accomplish this goal, I wish I could say that for certain about me.

You are not alone in your thoughts.

Best Wishes
Shelly

[Just Kate]

For the longest time I felt that the symptoms of my GID had abated. That the E has done its work and continues to do so, I am now full-time, I will get through my RLE and on to SRS one day and things will be fine. Things that used to trigger me, like teen girls, no longer have the same effect (besides run-of-the-mill jealousy) and so I thought "I am ok." I've recently discovered that isn't the case.

A couple of weeks ago I was IMing with another of the ladies here on Susan's when she showed me a picture of a beautiful actress in a bikini and I suddenly got a nearly overwhelming attack of dysphoria. Not because she was pretty, but because she had the one thing I can't have yet. I live my life as a female nowadays and even recently filed paperwork to change my name. I have all the freedom I've always wanted, but I am not complete and I must be complete.

I have recently been hanging out with a post-op friend and two of the ladies who were my inspiration are days away from the very thing I need to survive. It is triggering me something awful to the point that today I feel despondent. It is having a physical reaction in me that I can feel. I feel white-hot cold, if that makes any sense. A tension throughout my body from which I can't seem to find relief. It is very much like the feelings I had last summer when I just couldn't take it any longer and had to choose between ending it all and transition. It is nearly overwhelming and I can't stand it.

Hopefully these feelings will slowly go away as the post-op reports are filed and things calm down, but today it is miserable. Before anyone recommends it, I do already have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday. It will be my first formal meeting since I moved, so I am hoping that will help. I hope so because this is unbearable.

Without trying to sound like a broken record, transition does not cure GID.

You cannot be happy with transition until you are happy by the things you gained because of transition.  Focusing on what you don't have or will never have is a sure recipe to bring back the GID monster which probably triggers off of feelings of inadequacy, resentment, or jealousy.  It did before transition and it will after if you don't get it under control and stop letting it rule your life.

[LordKAT]

Without trying to sound like a broken record, transition does not cure GID.

You cannot be happy with transition until you are happy by the things you gained because of transition.  Focusing on what you don't have or will never have is a sure recipe to bring back the GID monster which probably triggers off of feelings of inadequacy, resentment, or jealousy.  It did before transition and it will after if you don't get it under control and stop letting it rule your life.

Words to live by. I need to print this out and put on the door.