Bad Jokes

[Kevin Peña]

Cross a rooster and a duck and you get a bird that gets up at the quack of dawn.

Why does Beethoven hate chickens? They keep saying "Bach, Bach, Bach"

What do evil chickens lay? Deviled eggs.

I like corny humor. 

[Padma]

Why does Beethoven hate chickens? They keep saying "Bach, Bach, Bach"

Beethoven was deaf, sweetie .

[Kevin Peña]

Beethoven was deaf, sweetie .

Doesn't change the fact that he could have known that chickens say Bach. Perhaps someone explained to him what chickens sounded like. Geez, don't try to kill the jokes.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

A lady went into a butcher shop complaining about some hot dogs she had just bought. "The middle is meat," she exclaimed, "but the ends are sawdust!"

"Well," said the butcher. "These days it's hard to make ends meat."


What were Cleopatra's dying words?
Asp not what your country can do for you; asp what you can do for your country

[Alexis]

How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb in a tree and act like a nut

[Kevin Peña]

What do cowards and origami paper have in common? They both fold easily under pressure.

[dalebert]

How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb in a tree and act like a nut

How do you catch a monkey?
Climb up a tree and act like a fruit.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

******  WARNING ******

There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems, One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.

They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.

Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"

"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

A guy asked a girl in a library; "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?

The girl answered with a loud voice; "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!".

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the
girl walked quietly to the guy's table and she told him "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?"

The guy responded with a
loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!!!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!"

...and all the people in the
library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears; "I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"

[Jamie D]

Doesn't change the fact that he could have known that chickens say Bach. Perhaps someone explained to him what chickens sounded like. Geez, don't try to kill the jokes.

That's MY job!!

[dalebert]

He wasn't born deaf. He lost his hearing later.

[Padma]

Doesn't change the fact that he could have known that chickens say Bach. Perhaps someone explained to him what chickens sounded like. Geez, don't try to kill the jokes.

I wasn't killing it, I was tickling it. Besides, maybe someone taught Beethoven to beakread.

[dalebert]

[dalebert]

Posted elsewhere but it belongs here too! Got a snicker from me.

On October 10th I'm going up to Boston to see Dr Robert Oates to consult for my orchiectomy!

... after the procedure I'll be a little bit less nuts!   

[Ave]

How do you catch a monkey?
Climb up a tree and act like a fruit.

my sentiment:

[Beth Andrea]

He wasn't born deaf. He lost his hearing later.

I just spent the last 2 days trying to figure out the punchline to this "bad joke."

I have since realized you were talking about Beethoven and his hearing loss.

*slaps forehead*

D'Oh! 

[dalebert]

I apologize in advance, but the subject is "bad" jokes.











These are all from Jay Leno's comedy book for kids.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/3-guides-that-do-exact-opposite-what-they-claim/

[SarahM777]

Sign at an undertakers - Ask Us About Our Layaway Plan

[sigmafan]

There's this guy walking around in a beautiful blue suit.  Another man tells him, "That's a nice blue suit that you're wearing."  He responds to the person, "What blue suit, I'm just cold".

[Cindy]

I saw a crash between a red lorry and a yellow lorry. The police asked me who was responsible? I said it's difficult to say.