Move or Stay?

[K8]

Many of us feel we have to move in order to transition.  I transitioned openly in a small town but am now thinking about moving.  I think that for me transitioning in place helped me because it made me face who and what I am.  I am beginning to think that perhaps I need to move now, though, to continue my growth and development as the woman I am.

I am very fortunate that I can choose whether to move.  Many feel they don't have that choice.  I am also very fortunate in that I am fully accepted where I am.  Many aren't.  If I move, I will not try for stealth but closer to woodworking – I will not hide my past and will freely admit to it, but I want to live where it is not so evident in my present life.

Yet, when I go to my favorite restaurant, the manager greets me by name, seats me and gives me an affectionate pat.  I walk into the pharmacy and the head pharmacist looks up from his work and says "Hi Katherine" warmly while his assistant gets my prescription without me having to ask for it or tell him who I am.  I go to the bank and as I walk up to the window the teller gives me a big smile and a warm "Hi Katherine."  All seem genuinely happy to see me and all knew me before I was Katherine.  I get a deep pleasure out of their affection that is mixed with their knowledge that I have become Katherine.

So, what did you do?  Did you move or stay?  Did you feel you had a choice?  If you did, why did you choose as you did?

- Kate

[Kaisa]

I now temporarily live in Helsinki because my former home is to far away and I can't travel up and down all the time. There regulations here in Finland are that you have to do the whole process in the same hospital, either Tampere or Helsinki (both located in southern Finland) and I was living in the northeast. I'm planning to go back next fall when I've already had several months of hrt. I don't know how the people living in the vilage will react, I'm a bit worried, because it is a very small place where everyone knows everyone. If it's not working out I'll have to move to some other place, that would be sad because I realy like my vilage.

[Melody Maia]

I lived in a conformity factory disguised as a suburban "master-planned" community. I moved and moved far. About 900 miles. The life here has been so much better because nearly no one knew him. I am taken at face value. However, if I had had a friendly response like you experienced, I don't think I would have moved. Tough choice.

[Janet_Girl]

I transitioned where I am at.  If things happened that I could have an income elsewhere, I would be gone in a New York Minute.  But at the same time I would not go stealth.  But I also would not go around adverting it.

Change can be good.

[Devlyn]

I like to stay on the go anyway, it's part of my nature. I've lived in the same place twelve years now, a record for me since leaving home to join the Army. I'll probably move again when the housing market picks up and I can sell the house, Boston is too expensive. All of which has nothing to do with transition, I guess it just comes down to whether you send out roots or not. I'd say if you left, many people would miss you. And if you came back they would likely have a parade! Just remember, there's a big world out there and besides, you can always visit or move back anytime you want to! Hugs, Tracey

[K8]

And if you came back they would likely have a parade!

  It's really not like that.  I'm friendly, I've known these people a long time, and I'm memorable.  A friend said it would be the same if I had a large wart on my nose - memorable.  My moving away would have the same effect as what happens to a bucket of water when you pull your hand out - the hand knows that it is gone but does the water? 

The drawback of leaving is to leave this comfortable recognition of my effort to become Kate.

- Kate

[Devlyn]

Maybe the bucket notices that the warmth of the hand is gone? Hugs, Tracey

[justmeinoz]

I am starting to look at the option of moving, as the lab where I work looks like it will be privatised, so I may end up without a job about the same time I downsize my house. If transition presents problems, I  will be more prepared to move anyway.  The only thing holding me here are my job and  mortgage.

[Sandy]

Kate:

That is always the question, move or stay.  Give up the known comforts and friendships that have been built over the years, or go to a new place for the opportunity of new experiences and new friends.

You have pretty much described what you would miss if you stayed.  But I would ask what, really, is giving you the urge to leave?  Everyone knows you and your story.  And you know that they will always, always, remember that.  It may not be the thing they think of first when they meet you now, but it will always be there.  If you move to a new location, chances are the folks there will probably not know of your past initially, but they will find out sooner or later.  You can never erase the past, and as you said, you would not try to hide.  So sooner or later, you will again be "other".

Initially, I moved away.  Not incredibly far, because I did not change jobs, but far enough.  Living in a metro location like Chicago, you don't have to move very far to have neighbors that have never met you.  I moved in with my friend, Julie, and together we worked through our transitions.  Basically having the pact of being 24x7-40 (out everywhere but work).

What I found as I worked to become who I am, I missed my family more and more.  I could visit anytime, but it was about a 45 minute drive and so it was only on weekends that I would visit them, or they would come to see me.

As I went full time, I had contemplated staying where I was, or moving to a new location but away from where I grew up and where my family was.  But in the end, facing the real possibility that I would be alone, I found the draw to return too great.  I returned to where my family was and bought a new house there.  And I have been the happiest I have ever been in my life.

I know your experience is different, of course, Kate.  But the question that you need to answer for yourself is still; is the urge to leave greater than the urge to stay?

-Sandy

[MeghanAndrews]

Hi Kate
That's a tough decision to make, especially with the unknown of moving. You have a group of people who are understanding and seem genuinely nice now, trans-stuff aside. Moving to a new area could bring you face-to-face with people who maybe aren't the same kind of people where you live, especially if you live in a smaller town and move to a big city. I think there's something to be said about a bird in the hand vs. two in the bush.

Ok, with that said...I moved. I think I would have stayed but it just seemed more appealing and lined up much, much better with where my life was at the time. No job, FFS was my line of demarcation, and I really just wanted a fresh start. It's funny though, I didn't really go into to transition thinking I'd be able to move somewhere and be absolutely stealth or anything. I just wanted a fresh start. I moved to Los Angeles from Orange County and then Riverside which definitely threw me into a big place with no one who knew me.

How would you feel if you moved to a different city and really missed the people that you got to know over the years? How would you deal with that? What would be some others reasons other than that "old past" thing that would make you want to move? Do those take precedent in your head over just the past thing? What are things you like about where you live and why you live there now? How does the whole trans thing play into that? I just think you should really be moving for the right reasons if you do. You seem to pretty much have transition past you and you seem genuinely happy. I don't think people ever forget about their past and their transness (I hope that isn't offensive, I don't mean it to be, Kate) but inasmuch as someone can move forward it seems like you have. Maybe moving is the last piece of the trans puzzle for you and moving will put everything together? I hope you find answers Meghan

[spacial]

Kate.

I'm still not clear why you feel you need to move at all.

I'm sure there are reasons, but can you describe some of these?

[Dana Lane]

You can get the same 'everybody knows my name' in big cities as well. I experience the same exact, comfy warm and fuzzy things in Philadelphia. If you do decide to move make sure there are legal protections in place. Philadelphia has ant-discrimination laws for the work place.

[K8]

Hi Spacial,

I've tried to puzzle it out.  I have a wonderful situation here and may not move, but I think this is what is going on:

1) I've lived here longer than anywhere else as an adult.  Maybe I'm just getting antsy.  Maybe I feel the need of a change only because I've always moved before now.

2) This has been a tough winter here, with temperatures close to 40 below and many days of winds above 50 mph (80 kph).  We're all tired of it and looking toward spring.  It's warm now, but we can get snow into June.

3) Many, many people here know that I am transsexual.  They're nice about it, but I always enjoy my trips to other towns where no one knows.  I relax and become even more Kate - if that makes sense.

4) Although the town I live in is very accepting, the area is very conservative and is moving from libertarian conservatism to social conservative (from 'you do what you want and I'll do what I want and we won't bother each other but call if you need help' to 'you are a bad person if you do what I don't like').  I get tired of fighting against that and think I'd like a more politically compatible place.

5) I am living in the place my wife and I moved to, living in the house in which she became increasingly sick, showering where I bathed her when she couldn't do it for herself anymore, sleeping in the bed in which she died.  I've worked through the issues and pretty well exorcised the ghosts, but sometimes I think I need a fresh start.

6) I live in a small place, where the selection of men is small.  The selection of men who don't already know that I'm trans is even smaller.  While I know that moving to larger place won't guarantee that Mr. Right will show up, it increases the odds.

And there be more that I haven't figured out.  If all goes well, I'll be traveling much of this summer and may be happy to have this place to come home to.  We'll see.

NOTE: I hadn't meant for this thread to be about me and my indecision but about what drives each of us to move or stay as we prepare for, go through, and complete transition.

Thanks, Dana.  That's a good thing to remember.

- Kate

[justmeinoz]

Hi K8, seeing you may be travelling, it will be a good chance to see if there is somewhere you'd rather be, especially re legal protection etc.
I have travelled a bit over here, and decided I would prefer to retire to the cold of  friendly Tasmania, instead of following the herd to Queensland and the Sun. 
Karen.

[spacial]

Kate

Thank you for that very comprenhensive and thought out reply. I understand what you are saying and where you're coming from.

It just a thought, but can you manage to get somewhere to live in a city and kep your current home?

The thing is Kate, I think we all get to a point where new horrizons are attractive. But equally, taking on new environments, as we get older, becomes increasingly difficult.

[Elijah3291]

I have lived in North Carolina for my whole life, but yes I do plan to move for several reasons.  I do not feel the need to move, I dont HAVE to move in order to continue transitioning, or for my safety.  Its a decently safe place to live.

but I want to live stealth in the future, I don't want people to judge me, or see me as less of a man because of my past, and too many people here know my history, I would rather just go under the radar.

My parents say that I need to be proud of who I am, but I don't think people need to know, and I am proud of being male, but I am not proud to have this condition, and I don't think everyone around me needs to know it.

[spacial]

Upon reflection, forget what I said #14 and listen to Valerie #15.

[Becka]

I grew up an Air Force Brat and so moving was a way of life growing up.  My dad mustered out when I was 6, but he'd been 21 years career and so that habit of moving stuck for a long time after he left the service.  As a result we moved every 2 years like clockwork until I was 18.  I'm glad he finally settled down because I would have missed my family had they moved again, but I'd made the decision that when I no longer *had* to move when they did that that was were I was staying.  All that is to give weight to when I say I absolutely loath moving. 

Even so, I'm lucky to be living within the golden triangle of N. Texas.  Dallas to east, Ft. Worth to West and Denton to the north.  I have moved around the area in the 25+ years since, but never away from the area as a whole.  I don't think I could quite honestly.   In the 12 years that I've been where I'm at, I don't really know any of my neighbors.  I give friendly waves when I see them, but we don't socialize much with the exception of the one next door neighbor who is great and open minded.  My friends are all scattered between 15 and 40 miles in all directions.  We get together when we can, and IM and chat mostly when we can't.   If I move it'll be basically be just across town, but it won't effect my core relationships and friendships. 

My job is 50 miles away.  The only reason I might move would to cut the commute time, but I'm not overly bothered by it.  I'm again lucky that I work for a good company that has a very broad and inclusive diversity policy that has specific sections for transsexual transitioning in the office, and the group insurance covers mostly everything related as well.   

So, for all of those reasons I've decided to transition mostly in place.

[kate durcal]

Kate,

After considering your narrative, I would encourage you to move. Go south to warmer lands, that is my plan.

Kate D

[Arch]

I have stayed, sort of. I live in a large city where it was easy to pick up and move to a new community where nobody knows about my past.

My ex and I rented a crappy house in an upscale suburban neighborhood. I loved living in a nice community, but I didn't want to live in an area where people had known me from before. I needed a clean break. So I moved to a less affluent community in the city and am now living alone. I love that people here don't see me as anything but a guy. I'm about to close my mailbox in my old neighborhood--that's the last real tie I have there.

Living in the uptown area takes some getting used to. It's noisier, and there are a quite a few people living on the fringe in this area. But I'm within half a mile of the post office, the public library, and my new mailbox. I'm also one community over from the gay part of town, where my therapist practices, and I live within reasonable walking distance of the LGBT center. I'm a few blocks away from a trans friend I deeply care about, five miles away from another good trans friend, and a few blocks from a gay friend I went to grad school with.

At this phase in my life, the close trans friends are very important to me. I'm also invested in a men's group at the Center, and I'm negotiating a somewhat scary friendship with one of those men--scary because he does not know, so to some extent I don't allow myself to get too close. He lets me establish boundaries; I think he realizes that I need to keep a certain amount of distance, and he doesn't question why. We've both been burned emotionally, so he probably assumes that it's something to do with that.

For these reasons and a few others, I stay in the same city. For one thing, I'm still within eighty minutes of my old uni. Two, I don't have the emotional wherewithal to move at this point. I'm still working through my sh**, and that takes a colossal effort. The third reason ties directly into the second: my therapist. We've had a couple of bumps in the road, mostly because of my longstanding habit of running at the first sign of a potential threat. But he is pure gold. We are super-compatible, he helps me enormously, and I can't see myself starting over again with someone else. It took a huge leap for me to go into therapy in the first place after saying "never again" over fifteen years ago. I trust him, really trust him, and I'm not giving that up.

Kate, if you have an itch to start over elsewhere and feel that your reasons are good, why not start researching other states and see what turns up? Maybe take a vacation or two to such places, if you have the budget for it. If nothing else, you'll have a new project and maybe get away from it all a couple of times.