How can I make my family understand?

[Jayne]

I told my family & friends about a month ago that I wanted to become a woman, my friends have been great & very supportive but my family are a different matter.

When I told my mother she said that at 35 I was old enough to make my own decisions & promptly changed the subject.
Since then she has been trying to get me to change my mind by using every trick in the book, she's said that i'll be single for my whole life as my features are too masculine & i'll never look feminine, I explained that i'd rather be a single woman & happy with myself than an unhappy man in a stable relationship.
She then tried saying that they probably wouldn't let me have the change because of my excema, this was a very low shot as she knows that my excema has caused me non stop problems my whole life & makes me very miserable.

Finally my brother has told my mother that he knows someone who went through the transition & hates it, he's been filling my mothers head with all kinds of horror stories, this person who I shall call R was born both male & female & apparently had to go through the change due to the hormonal imbalance gradually killing him, I say him because he hasn't even taken a female name. R has said that people will turn on me & I will end up losing my job because of this!

I've tried pointing out that R had no choice but to go through the change & obviously wasn't mentaly prepared for this & this is why he's so miserable, i've also mentioned that as miserable R is as a woman is how miserable I am as a man.

No matter what I say to my mother she refuses to accept me wanting this procedure, she's even asked me to just settle for cross dressing or being gay, whilst she hasn't abandoned me she refuses to accept what i'm going through & i'm worried that i'm going to lose my mother due to the strain this is putting on our relationship.

Does anyone have any advice on how they dealt with this problem & does anyone know of any help groups in the UK  to help her to come to terms with my life changing decision?

[Anima]

I told my mother and brother, and both of them immidiately started to question it and don't seem to understand much of it at all. I don't expect any of them to support me if I ever get started with hormones and surgery, since I think they already think that it's weird that I'm wearing lots of makeup and feminine clothes. And I think they will look at it all as something odd no matter what I do. But that's not my problem and not my thoughts and not my life. And what is important is that at least I understand what is going on with me (and just that is really difficult).

[spacial]

Since neither is arguing from a position of reality, just fears and speculation, then the best thing to do is walk away.

I'm not saying you should cut them off completely, but they need to start treating you like an adult.

As for transgender help groups in the UK, Depends upon where you are. But these might help.

http://www.outlinesurrey.org/?gclid=CKaqidnL3acCFcod4QodISiC-Q

http://www.northernconcord.org.uk/

[Jayne]

Anima, I hope your mother & brother come around as losing touch with family is a very hard thing to come to terms with & going through the transition is hard enough as it is, I lost touch with my father several years ago & it still hurts to think about it, this is why I don't want to lose touch with my mother over this.
I don't think my brother will ever make any effort to understand what i'm going through as he knows something about everything & at the same time nothing about everything, he also refuses to admit when he's wrong so I can't see him ever coming to terms with this, if it wasn't for him then I think my mother would be starting to deal with this instead of freaking out & trying to convince herself (& me) that it is remotely possible that I could be satisfied just being gay or cross dressing.

Spacial, thanks for the links, i'll pass them onto my mother in the vain hope that she tries to get some facts instead of listening to others who are woefully wrong in their facts.

On the bright side i've got my first psych evaluation on tuesday so regardless of what others think my life is starting to head in the right direction

Best wishes to both of you

[juliekins]

Your mom is being selfish. She is thinking about her own preferences and legacy. She might also be ashamed about this. Same goes for your brother.
Let's hope I'm wrong, and they are just concerned for your welfare.

To them, your actions look rash. You might have been carrying this load for your entire life. You've might of been thinking about this for years.

In fairness, they've only begun to have time to get up to speed on the subject. Offer them books and articles. Offer to have them join you while you go to a session together with a gender therapist. If they refuse, then just give them time. You didn't say if you live with your mom or brother or not.

Stop looking outside of yourself for approval. You're an adult. It's your life. I'm sure you're ready to assume any consequences for your actions. Your mother and brother shouldn't be a party to you're decision.

I held off my transition for years because for fear of losing my family. I took my time to introduce them to the idea, had them go to the therapist with me. I waited over 2 years from the time I told them to going full time. None of it mattered in the end. They still won't talk to me. Maybe someday they will, we'll see. If I had to do it all over again, I would have pressed forward without them and my need for approval.

Good luck dear. Join one of the local groups and find a good gender therapist. 

[Rock_chick]

The brutal truth is there is nothing you can do to make your familly understand. Trying to make them will just result in long, drawn out and angry conversations. If you are in a position to take a step back from your familly then do it, this doesn't mean cut all ties, just get on with living your life, let the fact that you are now happy and enjoying your life do your talking for you. They may never understand exactly why you need to do this, but as long as they can accept that it is happening then you will be okay.

[Sly]

Since your mom thinks you could settle for just crossdressing or being gay, as if that's the same thing as being trans at all, she probably just doesn't know much about the subject.  Get her some reading material.  True Selves is an excellent book that explains the transsexual condition in clear terms.
It is possible that she'll never accept you for who you are; many parents never do.  But don't give up hope just yet.  Try to educate your family and talk to them about it.  Get them to understand that it's not a choice, you were born with this condition and it's something you need to do.

[Devlyn]

Making others see things your way is also known as "being a manipulator." You don't want to be that, do you? Live your life, embrace those that accept you, and don't worry about those who won't accept you. Hugs, Tracey

[JessicaR]

  Family is so difficult... 

  What I realized recently is that I've been wasting emotional energy by trying to make my transition easier for my family. My therapist put it best, I think.... She said that, "Family sees you as a continuum: the whole of your lifetime. You have to understand that they'll never be able to just see you... they don't have the ability to not think of you as "him," even though, "she," is standing right in front of them."
  Your family's perception of you is based on a collection of memories. They've had 35 years of, "him." Their future perception of you will always be a mix of "him" and Jane. The best thing you can possibly do is try and show them how happy you are about your transition. Let them know that you acknowledge their objections (we, of all people, know how important it is to feel validated!) Don't waste your energy by repeatedly explaining yourself as they're just going to keep thinking of ways to convince you that you're delusional. "True Selves," (Mildred Brown) for instance,  is a fantastic book ... I bought it for my mom... A few days later, she had dog-eared pages and noted all the things in the book that she saw as not being relevant to me. Love ya, Mom!
  Well that same mom of mine gave me a card addressed to, "My Special Daughter," this past Christmas :-) It took three years but my Mom, at least, has come around. Give your family time.... Some can't understand; some won't...  after awhile, you'll be able to tell the difference. Forget the ones who won't and stay in touch with the ones that can't; they're the ones who might eventually come around.

I hope this helps

[Sly]

Making others see things your way is also known as "being a manipulator." You don't want to be that, do you? Live your life, embrace those that accept you, and don't worry about those who won't accept you. Hugs, Tracey

Can't say I agree with this.  There's a big difference between explaining your position to someone and manipulating them.  And it's her family, should she just drop them without a care because they don't understand?  They may not be accepting now but people can change.

[Devlyn]

I'm just saying that expecting anyone, and I mean anyone to change how they think because it's what YOU want is expecting a lot. My best friend is gay, and he said "My parents have to accept my having a boyfriend." I stopped him right in his tracks and told him no one had to accept anything they don't want to. Sorry about hijacking the thread. Tracey

[Jayne]

Thanks for the replies everyone

juliekins, you're right that my mum is being selfish but i'm trying to turn a blind eye to this as she's almost the only family i've got left.
I see what you mean about me looking outside myself for approval but this is something i've spent my whole life doing & is a hard habit to break, I spent 30 yrs living as a man solely because i've always been concerned about what my family think about me.
I suppose i've already taken the first step in breaking this habit by finally being honest about who & what I am.

Tracey, I don't think of what i'm doing as manipulating, I simply want to make this easier for her to come to terms with. My mother will still speak normally to me on any other subject & still phones me often just to check up on me but any time the subject of me going through this change the look of hurt & uncertainty on her face cuts like a knife, the last thing I want is to cause her distress.
I guess my problem is that I seem to have spent most of my life more concerned about what affect my actions will have on others than what it will mean for me & i'm having trouble dealing with the hurt this has caused the people I care about.


JessicaR & Sylvester, thank for the suggestion, i'll be hunting for a copy of True selves next time i'm passing my local branch of Waterstones

Thank you to everyone else for your input

[juliekins]

Remember Jane, that you aren't doing anything "to them". If they perceive it that way, that's their interpretation. You are who you are- a woman at your core. You can't help that, it just is.

Imagine a mother who was disappointed that she bore a girl, after hoping for a boy. She starts to raise that child as a boy. Later, as a teen, the confused child reverts to who they were at their core after birth- a girl. The mom then blames the teenage girl for her actions against the wishes of them mother.

Is this right on the mother's part? Of course, not. Because of conditioning and wishing to please others, we allow them to take control of whole years and decades of our life-just to win their love and approval. True love is unconditional and without strings.