Now I Know Why They Leave

[Julie Marie]

When I first entered therapy with a gender specialist and the question about whether I was TS or not came up, she suggested I attend a TS support group held every month.  She started the group about a year prior and described what it was like and who usually attends.  In that description she told me there have been women there who even she couldn't tell were TS.  She said, "sadly, most of them are gone".  Once they were living the life and could pass well they no longer needed the support group.  Then she said, "And they are the ones the group needs most."

I returned to work a couple of weeks ago.  I thought going back into the field and having to don the male mask would be devastating.  But I didn't don the male mask.  I didn't dress decidedly male.  I didn't worry about my hair color or length.  I didn't worry about my nails being polished (opaque white with clear topcoat, not fire red!).  I didn't worry that the beard shadow was gone.  I didn't worry that the reflection in the mirror was more female than male.  I had achieved inner peace and could be the real me.  So in a sense, even though they all identify me as male, I am still living full time.  And that is very comforting.

Having my days once again filled with a full time job took away a lot of leisure, time too much of which was wasted anyway.  The days flew by.  The weekends were now filled with doing every day things.  And I make sure I get out with a friend at least once on the weekend.  In other words I'm living a pretty normal life.  And I'm living it as a woman.  The issues that once compelled me to seek advice or support are all pretty much gone.  And so was I from support groups and forums.  I never intended this.  It just happened.

When I realized it had been two weeks since I was last here I was surprised.  I started looking at what I had been doing but mostly how I had been feeling.  And I've been feeling pretty happy and pretty content.  Then I remembered what my therapist said.  And now I know why we leave.  We are living a full life and doing it in a way that is natural to us.  Isn't that all any of us want?

I'm not saying I am forever gone from here or any place else.  I owe Susan's members a lot just as I owe members of other forums and support groups.  I want to give back.  I have to give back.  All I'm saying here is I now understand why some of us leave the support that helped enable us to live our life the way we needed to live it.  Someday I may feel the debt is repaid.  Maybe not.  Hopefully I'll be gone from this Earth before that happens.  Either that or I'll be on my sailboat somewhere in the tropics! 

Transitioning has been full of all sorts of unexpected surprises.  And all of them have been welcomed.  It truly is a miracle.  Now peace and contentment take the place of frustration and resentment.  It's a nice place to be and it's a place I hope everyone has or will achieve.

I'll still participate here because I want to give back.  I just don't know if I can do it as often as I have in the past.  But I'll try. 

Julie

[Kim]

That is good to hear Julie. For some reason as soon as we (my wife and I) realized I was IS I reached inner peace without counseelin g and only a few set backs, but nothing serious. I think though that the 3 years I did in counselling and life support skills workshop way back for a trauma most in here know of from the members only postings helped me to deal easier when things arise,even this one. I enjoy Susan's and find the people interesting and great and stayed around to help anyone or just to have a laugh with them when a good laugh arises. I too have heard of those who stayed around long enough to achieve then fade off. I am glad to see you have a positive attitude towards those that helped you, then again this isn't the first time I saw you show such a positive attitude and great personality.
                                                         Kim   

[Sheila]

Julie, I'm so happy for you and I understand where you are coming from. I, too, have felt that way, going away from the support groups and forums. I came back to a few forums and I am very selective to them. As far as the support groups, when I felt full and in charge of my life as a woman, I left the support group that I was in. In doing so, the group folded as I was the support and the money behind such group. It could of kept going but no one was willing to pay for the room that we rented nor was anyone willing to be there consistantly every month. So it just folded. We all get to that point and we move on as we should, this is what our life should have been. Like Steph commented in a different post and others have too, Is there anything more? NO, there isn't anything more, just live your life the way you should. Be happy and content. You deserve what you have accomplished and you don't need to feel guilty for not doing anything else. What I say and this is just me, don't forget about your past, you have accomplished alot in your history, don't go back into the closet again. It is unhealthy. Have fun with your life Julie and be happy and when and if you ever have surgery, I hope you let everyone know.
Love Sheila

[Brianna]

I am solidly in the "as soon as GRS is finished I am LEAVING THIS PARTY" camp.

The closest thing I came to with a group experience was the Gay Straight Aliance at my old school. It was not helpful in the least. I had considered going to a meeting at the gender center here in Colorado, but I am under a strong impression that's it's geared more twords ->-bleeped-<-s.

I'm a woman. This temporary will not be an issue for me forever. I love giving support at Susan's, but right now that is the extent to which I am available to give support - online. In real life I am a woman, and would not participate in anything to the contrary.

I guess I'm saying, "Feel free to leave."

Bri

[Nikki_W]

As someone at the beginning of the process I think the proof that you can move on and live a normal life is more important than the support. Lots of people can provide support, but only those that move on can prove that normalcy comes. IMO if/when you're ready move on and enjoy life.

[Steph]

I believe that folks have to stop feeling guilty about leaving and getting on with their lives.  This feeling that we "owe this debt" and need to repay it is folly.  For example, every member of Susan's who pass through this site are contributing and supporting each other in one way or another as best they can, from new comers to old comers we all contribute, there is no debt accumulated.

Some of us are in a better position to support than others, the important thing is to do what we can.  Those who wish to leave this site and move on to other challenges should do so with a clear conscience.  Personally from my own point of view if and when I leave Susan's, and if and when I choose to try and live stealth I will do so with a clear conscience knowing that I helped where I could, no one should have to suffer having a lien on their life, especially after having suffered they way we have.

Steph

[Susan]

* Susan starts getting the balls and chains ready

[Steph]

* Susan starts getting the balls and chains ready

Oh ho - is it too late to delete my post.

Steph

[Stormy Weather]

Having never been one for real-life support groups (possibly an oxymoron judging by my experience), I can well understand that motivation.

Funnily enough, most problems I've had related to this whole thang, and needing of other's advice have been postop, and are practical issues relating to problems with surgery and hormones. I'm also planning FFS so there's still reason to be involved at one level where relevant.

This is why I occasionally frequent Susan's. Most of what gets written about here are issues that are behind me... maybe it is a phase we go through, and sometimes, to be honest, I don't want to be reminded of these issues. If that makes me appear selfish, then so be it; I wouldn't be the first.

Besides, a real-life 'debt' or two repaid to our 'community' is good enough for me. 

[Sandy]

I too feel the need to repay debts, or to be there for someone else.
Help make the road easier to travel as it has been made easier for me.
Which is why I am so exstatic to be asked to contribute to my companys transitioning guidelines.

That said though, I would pay where it would do the most good.  Having
been here at Susans for a bit, to my mind there seem to be more
transsexuals and people in transition here than in other forums.

To me that has been invaluable.  I have and will continue to benefit
from others experiences as I transition.  And I intend to transtion.  So
I will contribute my experiences so that others who also want to
transition will have my experiences to guide them as well.

Other forums, have fewer, if any, people who want to transition or are
driven to transition.  To those people, my experiences will be anecdotal
at best.  Like others who are in transition, the issue for me is what's
between your ears, not what clothing is on your body.  I don't have to
dress up to "feel all grrly".  I am already a woman, I dress to feel
comfortable.

-Sandy

[Maud]

I've never gone to a trans support group or been involve in any type of "scene" outside the interweb, I've met one person and had a couple of people read me and introduce themselves. I got allot of help from a couple of people and that was more than enough of a kick up the arse to get things moving for me, my voice therapist asked if I went to any and I said no and gave my reasons to which she aggreed with. I have plenty of friends at university and a nice fairly normal social life and an approaching normal love life. Any information I need can be found readily on the internet for specific things and my voice therapist is basically more like a passing instructor. Pre-transition and in the early days I can see the point of such groups but those days went very quickly for me without too much issue.


That said, I hang about on #chat a fair bit first for support, then to talk to people as I progressed a little and give advice to those about to do what I just had and now as a hired op to mainly keep the place clean and help people as I can which I don't mind doing while I do my university work. If I ever have the opertunity to help someone I sure as hell will, however I did not transition so that I can ghetto myself into a small community of trans people, I transitioned to living as a woman.

Besides, a real-life 'debt' or two repaid to our 'community' is good enough for me. 

[Elizabeth]

Hi everyone,

I understand totally. I find myself hardly ever posting anymore. I have delt with my issues for the most part and I am ok with who and what I am. If I can say something meaningful, I do and if I have an issue, I bring it up.

I see moving on as a normal and natural part of transition and would hope that I can eventually stand on my own two feet. Transition is a difficult thing to accept and to do, but once it's done the challenges have been met, the dragons have been slayed, it's time to live as the people we always wanted to be.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[TheBattler]

Hi Julie,

I am finding myself been drawn away from Susans at the moment. I seam to be a happy male at the moment  . Sometimes I wonder why I am here at all - that urge to dress is not there at the moment but I know it will come back. I can understand why you would not want to be here as often as previously.

Alice

[Buffy]

Moving on is part of the process, most people I guess come here for help, support,information and friendship and in the early days of pre-transition and during transition this site is invaluable. There comes a time when that will become a redundant need in your life.

It is evolution, being trans at time can be a lonely thing and there is a lot of friendship to be found here. But there is a real life in the big word. Eventually the world becomes a less scary place and all the things you ever dreamed about doing come to pass, love,work, leisure take over the part of your life that was spent searching for answers.

I try to pay something back, not out of obligation, but because I care deeply about people. This is the only site I now visit, I have left all the others, never visited them in years.

I will leave Susan's in time, I have a date in mind,which will coincide with other events in my life, because the time will be right. You know when, you just do.

Buffy

[umop ap!sdn]

Personally, I intend to stay indefinitely; this board has for a while now been on my regular rotation of frequently visited boards, so I tend to see it as a community and consider the regular posters to be online friends. Which is not to say that I don't respect those who will be leaving; you'll be missed, but whether or not to stay is each our own personal decision to make.

[Julie Marie]

First of all, I have no desire to leave.  Susan, you can put my ball and chain back in the chest.

Sometimes words just can't express what one feels.  The best I can do to describe where I am today is to say I am at peace.  The battle is over.  The fears of going out in public are put to rest.  Even work is no longer the issue it once was. 

If you can imagine spending over half a century in a dark place, and believing you will always be in a dark place, then emerging from that and feeling the sun shine warm upon your face...  That's what it's like for me now.  But when I see others suffering as I once did, I so passionately want them to know there is hope.  I want to help guide them out of that dark place.  I want to let them know they are the only ones who can free themselves.  I want them to experience the joy and inner peace I now know.  How could I want anything less for them?

No, I'll never make the decision to leave.  I couldn't do that.  I know all to well the hurt and pain we have to endure.  I know all too well the hopelessness of thinking I'm stuck, the feeling of "am I alone?", the need to have someone tell me everything will be okay.  I don't want anyone to have to live that.  I know I can't change the world but if I can help even one person achieve the personal happiness and the inner peace I now know, all the time spent will be more than worth it.

Such a small percentage of my life has been spent within the LGBT community but in that relatively short time I have met some of the most wonderful people I have ever known.  People who are giving.  People who are caring.  People who take the time to look inside your soul and get to know you.  People who are non-judgemental.  People who love unconditionally.  Wonderful, kind, caring people.  How could I ever turn my back on them?  I can't.  Inhabitants of the Garden of Eden would be jealous.

Susan, I need to thank you for all you've done.  I can't tell you how many times I've been in awe of your dedication and your strength.  You are the Energizer Bunny of the TG world, you just keep going and going.  You've made a huge impact on our world and I thank you for that.

Thank you all for your strength, for your encouragement, for your support. for being there.  Nothing I can do can repay that.  It's priceless.  But hopefully I will do for others what you have done for me.

Julie

[SusanK]

When I first entered therapy with a gender specialist and the question about whether I was TS or not came up, she suggested I attend a TS support group held every month.  She started the group about a year prior and described what it was like and who usually attends.  In that description she told me there have been women there who even she couldn't tell were TS.  She said, "sadly, most of them are gone".  Once they were living the life and could pass well they no longer needed the support group.  Then she said, "And they are the ones the group needs most."....

I know my therapist would agree with you and this thought. She's overseen support groups for nearly two decades, and tries every session to get me to go, but says the same thing, those that transistion move on and rarely come back and those that pass don't need the groups except for their few friends. I've found them very cliquish and not so easy with accepting of newcomers. But then I don't follow the stereotype role either, so I don't mind so much.

I wish there was an answer. I've seen too much divisiveness in a community that really needs unity, and acceptance of transpeople of all expressions. Until then I'll stay away and walk away when I finish my transistion. It's the choices we make.

--Susan--

[HelenW]

...and if and when I choose to try and live stealth I will do so with a clear conscience knowing that I helped where I could, no one should have to suffer having a lien on their life, especially after having suffered they way we have.

Steph

* Susan starts getting the balls and chains ready

I don't think chains will be necessary.  Steph has "lifer" written all over her !


As far as leaving or staying is concerned, I believe each should give according to their measure and when that's been fulfilled you wouldn't be doing anyone any favors by stickin' around.  I feel a bond and a debt of gratitude to so many of the people that have and continue to post here, so I have a hard time believing that I'll ever be so satisfied as to never coming back.  But if it happens I would leave with the wonderful memories from this site intact.  I may leave Susan's but Susan's would never leave me.

hugs & grins
helen

[Suzy]

Personally I hope to reach the point where I can turn around and help mentor others and some of you have been kind enough to do with me.

Gratefully,
Kristi

[Chaunte]

Personally, I intend to stay indefinitely; this board has for a while now been on my regular rotation of frequently visited boards, so I tend to see it as a community and consider the regular posters to be online friends. Which is not to say that I don't respect those who will be leaving; you'll be missed, but whether or not to stay is each our own personal decision to make.

I agree.  I see myself participating in this forum for a long time to come.

When I arrived here, I was a wet-behind-the-ears girl trying to figure out who and what I was.  THe men and women here at Susan's took me in and helped me get "wings level."  And believe me when I say I took everything in, even when I disagreed!

Today, I would like to think of myself as a regular contributor.  (Though not as regular as it was before I lost regular internet access!)  I would like to think that I share and help those who come in now just as others helped me along.

For me, this isn't a sense of debt to pay off.  Instead, I have a desire to share what I have and will learn.

I am an instructor.  It's what I do.  It's how I show love.

CHaunte