How do I do this??

[Just Shelly]

Hi,
Last night was not a good night

First of all I want to say I am not a huge poster more of a looker. I may post a couple of comments if I feel I can add something constructive. There have been many here that have helped me with out even knowing it.  I have read alot of posts that have given me good advice or just made me feel good. My point to all this is I need to know how can I do this ?.

I have my days where I feel I can come out and things will be better, but most days I feel there is no way I can come out and no way I can go full time. I have alot of anxiety when I have to be at functions, for this reason I have isolated my self almost completely for the last 1 1/2 years. I have only recently started to be more active, this is not by choice, I have to go to certain functions with my children and there will be many more come spring and summer. I have alot of anxiety when having to go, most is self-driven because I can't man it up 100% I usually present androgynous looking about 30-40% female, my children don't seem to care or notice but I get many looks from other parents and other people. The anxiety does go down a little, once I tell my self "I don't care what they think" but I have been known to hide in the unisex bathroom awhile.

The time I have the most anxiety are when I do things myself. I have avoided most events or family functions because of this, there isn't too many too avoid, since I have no freinds and my family isn't the closest. After isolating  my self for so long I have become very lonely. I decided I had to get out, I was invited to a Niece's wedding, I had so much anxiety of going as I did of not going. I decided to go. It was a small reception with a private wedding so I felt a little better. Much of my anxiety was because I just couldn't man it up 100% and also thinking what are they going to think.

Through my transition I have always taken things slow. I told myself that I will just become a woman gradually and no one will notice, funny huh. I thought someone could never do it this way. I was wrong! in the last 3-4 months I have suddenly become a female. If my gender is not known or not needed to be known most people assume I am a female, even if presenting male. At times when I need to have my gender known, I have almost had arguments with people about my true gender. This may sound like a dream come true, and at times I will admit it feels confirming that I am just another female in the world. The times when my gender is known or needed to be known after being mis-gendered is when I feel the most anxiety, last night was one of those instances.

I just had to man it up this time. I didn't enjoy it and thought I looked fairly goofy, but I can not let people know that I am changing my gender, WHAT!! The only things female about me were my pony tail (although 3 guys with ponies there also) and my cute socks. I have never been looking this manly in awhile. My fear  was quickly realized when I was presumed female almost immediately, as I waited at the small bar for the tender a man told me I was the most patient lady he ever seen.  My other nieces proceeded to call me Aunty S***** . Most people there did not know me, no big deal, right! well if they assumed you were female and now know your male, not good with a bunch of redneck drunks. I avoided useing the bathroom at all means, and it was very awkward when the bride was tossing the bouquet and people looked at me as why I wasn't out there.  ???Then minutes later being asked by the groom to join the other "men" in the garter toss.  . I didn't go.

The reason I wanted to go to this reception was to get out and mingle. Instead I ended up being the talk of the wedding. No dancing, no socializing, no nothing. Fun night=0 go to bed by 9:30 reality. This was all my fault, this would never had happened if I would just be the man I was born.

HOW DO I DO THIS! How can I tell people I am changing my gender. Yes I am assumed female to most people in public, but to my family, work, teachers, and acquaintances I am a male that is just looking strange. I feel at times its so much easier to just go back to "him" I was somewhat suicidal last night. I can't win. I thought about suicide when I was male and I still think of suicide when I'm female. I know if I just go back to him my life will be miserable, but can it be worst then it is now.

I'm sorry for the despairing post. life is not good.

[Janet_Girl]

Based on the few pictures I have seen Shelly, you have to quit fooling yourself.  You are a woman, and it is time you just did it.  Yes it is scary, but most people how know you are ready have figured it out.

Time to quit hiding behind th mask of masculinity.  Step out and be free, Sister.

[Rock_chick]

I agree with janet. The right time to do something is when you do it...if you wait for things to be perfect before ou do something you'll be waiting forever because something always crops up.

[Just Shelly]

Janet, thanks for the support.

Unfortunately I look at thinks logically. I do wonder how people that see me more don't notice things, I'm sure they do, but logically do they think I am changing my gender? no, they couldn't even imagine that. All they see is maybe a gay guy or someone (hate the saying) in touch with their feminine side.

I present close to female around and with my children but even they don't have a clue I am changing gender. I have had talks with all my children on why I don't care to look like a guy. We even watched the transgendered program on Own together (by accident) they still couldn't relate it with me. At least they did get more of an understanding from it.

Helena
Thanks also for the support. I know there is no turning back but I just don't know how or when I can take that next MAJOR step.

Shelly

[Rock_chick]

Sometimes you just have to jump

[angiejuly]

 I only where male clothes because I need ffs first, but, I have dropped all other male acts I made up over the years that do not belong to me. people who do not know me very well sometimes cannot tell my gender. I have found my true individual and have brough myself out to the world but I stay in boy clothes because I live in a very small town. I rebuild fishing boats for the locals. They are all very masculine, scary, tuff, drunk, fighting all the time. They love me as the androgonous hoale guy thats like a girl and does the mean glass work. LOL!
After FFS I will slam the door in the towns face and just live. I`m already looked at as strange but harmless even loving, As far as work goes nobody has a choice, my work is top quality and not an arm and a leg to get done. anyone who is bigoted about me is just leaving room for others.

As you can see. I have attitude, self awarness, find your individual and love your individual. Never give credit to your acheavements/atributes outside yourself,

I have noticed that TS`s have some kind of coping mechanizm born into us naturaly that others do not have. Do you ever look at the thought prosses of other people and get frustraighted at how mundaine they can think? How non TS people are so willing to accept what they are told as how it is simply because someone said so. My mom," You cannot do that because you are a boy not a girl". I got that constantly from my family, teachers, friends, nonfriend and therapist. kept around boys only events and not allowed to play with girls. Boys therapy groups, boy scouts, boy scout camps.
Healthy nontoxic diet will allow you to see further into yourself than you can imagine. Try to cut off what the society expects of youas a man and understand what they expect from a woman. We did not grow up as girls in public so we did not learn from society how to act as girls. Unlearn and be natural. Make your environment around you yours.
I hope this helps and know you already knew this just need to hear it sometimes from others.
Love Angie,   Aloha
 

[MarinaM]

I advise you to jump, even if you don't have a parachute. You'll love yourself.


It has been my experience that now that I'm out and everyone knows that I'm transitioning it seems that no one I know wants to see me as male at all anymore! (They see the stress) People see the female mannerisms and wonder when they'll get to see me in the makeup and wig! I'm like: "well, the makeup and wig aren't really me either: I'm growing right in front of you. Sorry I'm not more interesting  "

I don't think I got the timing right, I needed a few more months on HRT, my hair should have been longer, and hair removal over with. I feel as though I've caused some major confusion. Now I feel like a square peg being forced into a round hole in another way.

Oh well, they think I'm the most interesting thing ever (can't wait for that to boil over), at least the coming out is over with. I've seen your pictures and I don't think I would be able to NOT tell them.

[Caith]

I'm living more and more as female, despite still needing another year (or more) of electrolysis and hair transplants.  About the only place I'm not dressing female is at work, and that's bound to change sometime in the next year.  I'm fairly certain most people have figured it out but they haven't asked and they haven't said anything either.  There's quite a stressful year left ahead of me, and the more I consider it, the more I'm likely to tell HR I plan to start coming in female.  The biggest problem is that our local HR representative left the location, and now I have to deal with out-of-towners, who truly can't provide much support at all.

[hkgurl1480]

Hi Shelly

It sounds like you have a million and one thoughts running around your head slowly overpowering you?  This is one reason why i think therapy is important in the process, to help you deal with the issues that aren't really gender related like children, extended family, friends, jobs, other phych issues such as social/isolation issues, depression. To help you get on top over everything else before you jump. 

I feel you probably need to jump, but do it carefully.  One of my therapists favourite sayings is 'I don't want to see an unhappy man become an unhappy woman'. 

If "he" is not who you are, why do you feel the need to man up.  Just be you, even if presenting somewhat male.  No need to put on an act of maleness.  This is where i am at now.  All of the important people in my life know who i am. Even though i still present as an andro male i act naturally and dont try to hide any of my female qualities and traits.

Good luck and i hope you find some contentment and happiness along the way.

Hugs
Shelly x

[Just Shelly]

Hi Shelly

It sounds like you have a million and one thoughts running around your head slowly overpowering you?  This is one reason why i think therapy is important in the process, to help you deal with the issues that aren't really gender related like children, extended family, friends, jobs, other phych issues such as social/isolation issues, depression. To help you get on top over everything else before you jump. 

I feel you probably need to jump, but do it carefully.  One of my therapists favourite sayings is 'I don't want to see an unhappy man become an unhappy woman'. 

If "he" is not who you are, why do you feel the need to man up.  Just be you, even if presenting somewhat male.  No need to put on an act of maleness.  This is where i am at now.  All of the important people in my life know who i am. Even though i still present as an andro male i act naturally and dont try to hide any of my female qualities and traits.

Good luck and i hope you find some contentment and happiness along the way.

Hugs
Shelly x

Shelly, Thank You
Yes therapy is very important in transitioning, even required for hrt in certain regions or countries.

I have been seeing a GT for almost two years now, for transition issues as well as depression and anxiety, and before that a Phych for just my depression. I don't not even think I would still be here if not for my GT's support and advice. Like my Dr says though it is up to me to accept myself and feel what I'm doing is right. This is the part I have a hard time with.

I don't feel the need to man it up and most times I don't even at times I should. I am a Father, I am not out or even part time. I can not just be who I am with no explanation, I already "push the envelope" many times at activities with children. I'm sure their teachers all have good conversations about me. I don't express many feminine qualities or traits I am just my self. I could go on and on what traits are considered female or male I probably have some of both. I do not fear being less or more of a female.

I know I need to take that next step, I am basically half there, yes, maybe it would be better at least people could have answers to why I look like I do. I still have so much anxiety with my children and to add to that I am loosing work because of how I look although I have received some work because of my compassion, honest and integrity if people can get past the "why does he look like a girl".

Shelly

[hkgurl1480]

Hi Shelly

Oops, i think i may have offended you, please know that was not my intention.

I am glad to hear you have a GT, therapy has certainly helped be to clear a path forward.

You have pointed out what i forgot to mention in that eventually you are the one that needs to speak out.  No one can do that for you, and it isn't easy as we all know. Heaven knows it took me nearly 40 years.  Aside from my very male dominated work place, i am just me and it really doesn't bother me what people think.  That includes activities involving my kids like dealing with teachers etc.

Anyway, if i caused offence, i am truly sorry. The best of luck on your path

Shelly

[Just Shelly]

I advise you to jump, even if you don't have a parachute. You'll love yourself.


It has been my experience that now that I'm out and everyone knows that I'm transitioning it seems that no one I know wants to see me as male at all anymore! (They see the stress) People see the female mannerisms and wonder when they'll get to see me in the makeup and wig! I'm like: "well, the makeup and wig aren't really me either: I'm growing right in front of you. Sorry I'm not more interesting  "

I don't think I got the timing right, I needed a few more months on HRT, my hair should have been longer, and hair removal over with. I feel as though I've caused some major confusion. Now I feel like a square peg being forced into a round hole in another way.

Oh well, they think I'm the most interesting thing ever (can't wait for that to boil over), at least the coming out is over with. I've seen your pictures and I don't think I would be able to NOT tell them.

Emma

Yes this is also my fear when or "if" I ever come out. I can only imagine being asked "oh when are you going to wear a dress" like this is some requirement, or "how come you don't wear much makeup" or why "do you wear a bra, can I see??" Ya I can't wait to become some circus side show.

As far as timing I set some sort of time frame and have stuck too it. This is one reason I am not out yet, I still want to have all laser done (3 sessions so far) and some sort of hair style down before going fulltime, along with other legal and personal matters started or done . I first have to get to the "I can do this" stage.

So many of you here are so much stronger then I. I have known most of my life that I was not very strong emotionally and somewhat passive. I have found this to be certain with my divorce and now with my transition. I have read at times other trans thinking these are feminine qualities and just confirm more that they are female. I definitely don't think this and wish so many times I could have the strength or courage to do what I need too.

Emma you may have rushed your timing with how you want to present but for you and some others presentation may not be a priority. It doesn't mean you have to stop, I think it gives you some time to explore your inner self.

You are alot younger then I; I have struggled to take things slow because of my age. Remember you are young and already present female well its just a little more and you'll reach the summit and its all down hill from there girl.

Thanks Emma
Shelly

[Just Shelly]

Hi Shelly

Oops, i think i may have offended you, please know that was not my intention.

I am glad to hear you have a GT, therapy has certainly helped be to clear a path forward.

You have pointed out what i forgot to mention in that eventually you are the one that needs to speak out.  No one can do that for you, and it isn't easy as we all know. Heaven knows it took me nearly 40 years.  Aside from my very male dominated work place, i am just me and it really doesn't bother me what people think.  That includes activities involving my kids like dealing with teachers etc.

Anyway, if i caused offence, i am truly sorry. The best of luck on your path

Shelly

Oh NO!  I'm sorry I came across that way, but I don't think its the first time I did this on this forum.

You in no way offended me, I would of said thank you but it was like yes, I already know this so thats doesn't help me.

I know there's nothing anyone can tell me to help, its just me trying to get confirmation of what I'm doing is correct, even though I know that decision is only mine to make.

Just not liking life lately.

Thank you for replying back I'm sorry if I worded things badly.

Shelly

[hkgurl1480]

  S'all good

[MarinaM]

XXXXXX (hugs)

Well, appearance is important, I'm just fortunate that I can pulloff an approximation of what I need to be pre everything. Dont let anyone force you into any box. That's part of why you are where you are in the first place. I just happen to be more binary than most :/

You don't really have to explain anything to anyone.  Just be you, whoever that happens to be. Theres a price to pay either way.

[Gabby]

Well, appearance is important, I'm just fortunate that I can pulloff an approximation of what I need to be pre everything.

Emma, maybe I miss read you sometimes, can you define approximation?

I see it as meaning roughly 'passing' (I detest that word now lol) from the majority of angles? the majority of time? in the majority of situations? 

That's 9 months down the road, right now walking down the street and in some close situations yes, where voice isn't required, unless you have that mastered?

Visions that show the way, like flashes of lightning on a persons road of life.  That's what I'm getting at the moment.

[MarinaM]

I am harder to read in text form than in real life. Go to voice therapy and view the thread "me in real life" for the worst video of me ever. I'm a language chameleon.

[Sandy]

I too suffered from social anxiety most of my life.  I was always fearful in crowds.  Last to come, first to leave.

But when I came out, all that changed.  I became proud and open.  It was stepping into the abyss for me, but I truly had no other choice.  I could change or die.  But when I did, I knew there was no turning back, nor did I even want to.

There will come a time that you will step into the abyss.  Tell everyone, come out so often to people that it goes from an anxiety filled moment, to an empowering moment, to finally an "Oh gawd, do I have to say this story again?" moment.  Expect society to accept you on your terms!  And do you know what, it will!

In my state, if you change your gender, you have to come in person to DMV to ask for your gender marker change.  Before I came out, I thought that would be such a humiliating experience.  But when I did, I walked in, head high, looked the guy in the eye, handed him my old license which had a picture of me with a beard and told him in a strong voice that I was there to have my gender changed.  He looked at me and said "Yes, ma'am!"  It was one of the most empowering experiences of my life.

The thing is, Shelly, I'll wager that most people you know already have figured it out already and are just waiting for you to drop the other shoe.  When I came out, most people said; "It's about time!" or "I always knew there was something about you that was different!"  Hardly anyone said; "I never knew."  Apparently I never got the memo.

Yes, it's a big step.  But all life changing events are that way.  And you will never be able to go back to your old life.  That is probably much of your anxiety, right there.  Fear of the unknown, loss of what was comfortable, crossing into an unknown land.  Yup, pretty scary alright.  But realize that most people will never have such an exhilarating experience.

The caterpillar always fears its last days...

then becomes a butterfly.

-Sandy

[n00bsWithBoobs]

Hey Shelley

     Change is scary and different and there are plenty of times when I *used* to question my decisions because of the way other people treated me. Your whole social dynamic is changing. The way the world treats a man is wholly different than how they treat a woman, and blurring the lines, transitioning from one gender to the other in such a visible way, that's something that everyone thinks they need to have an opinion on. I think also for family members, it's really hard to reconcile the sudden changes in their father. Also, where do they go from there? There aren't a lot of family books out there for kids to know how to react to the situation. I suppose I'm just stating the obvious because you know all this. Just know that you're loved, not just by the community here, but by your family, your friends, and everyone around you. You'll get through this, hon. Just have to make it through one day at a time.

[Melody Maia]

Shelly let me gently suggest that you have already reached the point where it is impossible to hide this any longer. Everyone most likely already knows something is up and many have probably already guessed the truth. It sounds like you are very unhappy with the current situation. I would say it is because you are living a half-life. Neither the man you were or the woman you need to be. At this stage you are most likely not even saving your children any embarrassment if the teachers and other parents are talking. In fact, you may be teaching them more about fear and hiding your true self to fit in society. Only you can decide if this is what is happening.

Time to jump honey with both feet before you are pushed in a way you might find disagreeable. Sounds like people are already pushing you in social situations. There will always be something else to do. You can do most things along the way. You may find more happiness than you can imagine on the other side. My biggest regret so far is that I should have done it much sooner.