Over the last few months as I've been moving into transition (trying to do it at a pace that is fast enough for me, and slow enough for my wife) I've been spending more time in girl mode. Well, recently I decided I was going to take a couple classes at the local community college, and that meant I had a choice to make - do I basically switch to girl mode 5 days a week (plus whatever on weekends), or do I go to school in boy mode, and then just do girl mode a few days a week. Well, I decided I was ready to go ahead and do school in girl mode - so I did. This means I'm up to at least 5 days a week in girl mode - which means well over half the time.
Yesterday was the first day of class, so I took some extra time getting ready. I wanted to really make sure I passed as well as I could, so I put on a nice jean skirt, and some tights, and did my makeup and hair as nice as I could. I think I looked pretty cute if I say so myself.
Anyway, so I'm driving to school and my worst nightmare comes true! I accidentally run over some large screw laying in the road and it punctures the tire (and stays in thankfully). Luckily I was just a half mile from school, so was able to make it to school before the air ran out. I just had to try and not let it freak me out, and go ahead and get to class and deal with it later.
I went to the bookstore and got my books, interacting with a couple other students, and even buying a parking pass. Since I haven't changed my name yet whenever I go to pay, or fill out any forms for school or whatever I have to put down my boy name - which I've always imagined would be a bigger deal than it actually is. Nobody really bats an eye, it's all totally fine with them.
Class was nice, and I didn't really get any strange looks from anyone. I think I am maybe passing at about 90% at this point. Sometimes when someone is sitting or standing right next to me and they get a real close look I can see they are curious and might look at me a couple times. But when I'm walking around campus, or most interactions it's just not an issue. I also think that once I speak the ability of someone to read me goes up as well. I've been working on my voice, but I still don't feel totally confident with it, and I think it gives me away a little.
After class I came out to the car and found my tire totally deflated. We have towing service through our insurance, so I just called them up and filed a request for help using my wife's name
A nice man in his 60's showed up and changed the flat tire to the spare, I signed and was on my way (didn't check my ID).
I guess what I am learning is that none of this is like I thought it would be - it's much better. I mean, what has prevented me from transitioning for so long is just this intense fear of how the outside world would react to me - and I'm finding that everything is okay.
When I go to pay my school bill, or pay for some food at a restaurant, or fill out a form, or email my instructor asking him to use my preferred name of "Madelyn" instead of my legal name on his list etc etc everyone has been accommodating and kind. And even when people "read" me it's not that bad, so they look at me a couple times and see if they can figure out if I'm a guy or a girl.
Then, I have what would have been a "nightmare scenario" - I'm totally in girl mode, in a skirt and looking all nice and have to call for road assistance. And it goes fine.
I know there are always excuses to not transition, or not even start therapy - but let me tell you, HONESTLY, it's not as bad as you think it will be. I'm learning to not be afraid to take small steps forward, and I'm doing okay. I have a good support group, a good therapist, a supportive family, and some supportive friends now - all of which I didn't have at the start of this.
It's an amazing, incredible, and even beautiful journey. It takes work, but I'm learning to not be afraid to be myself, and I'm enjoying the journey along the way.
