Help! My dad absolutely will not use my proper name or pronouns!

[Rachel Bellefountaine]

I'm having issues with my father. No matter what I say or do he will not use my current name and keeps on calling me "he", twice humiliating me while we were out in public by addressing me as a guy in front of a sales rep, and once almost outing me to my landlady because of his carelessness. I've brought up the issue multiple times and he just uses the now tired excuse of "well, this is an adjustment! I've been so used to using your old name... Blah! Blah! Blah!" That would be fine... if he was actually showing that he was making an effort to use the right name and pronouns, but he's not, even though I've been full time for an entire year! My mom and brother (the latter who was very transphobic before I started transitioning) have been trying their best to respect my wishes, and they do slip up from time to time but they apologize for it and correct themselves. They are at least showing me support. My dad hasn't once given me that respect and even though he says he supports me, he has yet to prove it. He hasn't once called me Rachel, even after being just corrected half a minute before. It's very frustrating.

My friend is telling me that I should straight out tell him that if he really supports me and if he's really trying he should call me by my name at that very moment and let me hear my real name from his mouth, and should he not comply tell him that the current conversation is over and he is free to call me up again in a week to try again. I'm going to try this with him but I'm wondering if anyone else can add their thoughts. This is such a tricky situation, which I've been working to fix for an entire year now, and I can use all the advice that I can get.

Thanks!

[spacial]

On the other hand, you could try to make light of it. I say this because there really aren't a lot of options.

Ignore it and respond as appropriate, though remaining very femininae.

If you're in a department store and he's talking to someone, pick up a really nice dress, hold it in front of you and say, in your most girly voice, 'Daddy, I know you'd love to see me in this'.

Just a few thoughts.

[Padma]

Maybe instead of just letting him know it makes you angry, let him know it makes you feel hurt - if he doesn't feel so on the defensive, he might be more open to a proper conversation about how it affects you when he does that.

[Robert Scott]

I am a member of a parents group of parents who have transgender children.   We had a discussion about it as it is an issue for many transkids.  The one comment that impacted folks the most and motivated them the most was --- safety of their child.   By calling you by your male name in public or other situation he places you in harms way since you will use a female bathroom and folks see you as a female.  So, for the parents in the group who weren't ready to address their child yet as the opposite gender - the parents either agreed for their child's safety to use the choosen name in public or a gender neutral way of addressing them.

So, I suggest you have a talk to him about how he jeporadizes your safety every time he does it.  Talk about other ways he can call out to you that are safe but don't make him uncomfortable.  Ask to find a middle ground.  If it makes it sound like your looking out for your own safety and respecting his struggles I imagine you will do much better.

[Rachel Bellefountaine]

On the other hand, you could try to make light of it. I say this because there really aren't a lot of options.

Ignore it and respond as appropriate, though remaining very femininae.

If you're in a department store and he's talking to someone, pick up a really nice dress, hold it in front of you and say, in your most girly voice, 'Daddy, I know you'd love to see me in this'.

Just a few thoughts.

Hahaha! Next time he's in town I'll try that out! It might even get him a little antsy and let him know how I feel when he embarrasses me in public.

Maybe instead of just letting him know it makes you angry, let him know it makes you feel hurt - if he doesn't feel so on the defensive, he might be more open to a proper conversation about how it affects you when he does that.

Thanks, but I've tried that many times. He doesn't care much that it hurts me... or at least not enough to make a better effort. Generally bringing up the topic just gets him riled up and angry before it does me so a screaming match is unavoidable, unless I just drop the subject.

I am a member of a parents group of parents who have transgender children.   We had a discussion about it as it is an issue for many transkids.  The one comment that impacted folks the most and motivated them the most was --- safety of their child.   By calling you by your male name in public or other situation he places you in harms way since you will use a female bathroom and folks see you as a female.  So, for the parents in the group who weren't ready to address their child yet as the opposite gender - the parents either agreed for their child's safety to use the choosen name in public or a gender neutral way of addressing them.

So, I suggest you have a talk to him about how he jeporadizes your safety every time he does it.  Talk about other ways he can call out to you that are safe but don't make him uncomfortable.  Ask to find a middle ground.  If it makes it sound like your looking out for your own safety and respecting his struggles I imagine you will do much better.

Yeah, I tried the safety approach last week. Again he said the same old response, that he's just used to using my old name, which was acceptable when I started transitioning, but not now, at least not with any proof that he's making some effort.

[Sly]

I feel your pain.  My Mom outed me to my landlady because she couldn't stop calling me a she... this wasn't that long after I came out though so she really was just adjusting.  Have you tried just not responding when he calls you your old name or the wrong pronouns?  It sounds like you've tried asking him nicely and he just isn't listening, so, stop listening to him.

[E]

Correct him. Every single time. If he gets angry, throw his words back in his face and tell him you're helping him make the switch. Eventually, he'll get so tired of being interrupted mid-sentence that he'll switch.

[xxUltraModLadyxx]

I'm having issues with my father. No matter what I say or do he will not use my current name and keeps on calling me "he", twice humiliating me while we were out in public by addressing me as a guy in front of a sales rep, and once almost outing me to my landlady because of his carelessness. I've brought up the issue multiple times and he just uses the now tired excuse of "well, this is an adjustment! I've been so used to using your old name... Blah! Blah! Blah!" That would be fine... if he was actually showing that he was making an effort to use the right name and pronouns, but he's not, even though I've been full time for an entire year! My mom and brother (the latter who was very transphobic before I started transitioning) have been trying their best to respect my wishes, and they do slip up from time to time but they apologize for it and correct themselves. They are at least showing me support. My dad hasn't once given me that respect and even though he says he supports me, he has yet to prove it. He hasn't once called me Rachel, even after being just corrected half a minute before. It's very frustrating.

My friend is telling me that I should straight out tell him that if he really supports me and if he's really trying he should call me by my name at that very moment and let me hear my real name from his mouth, and should he not comply tell him that the current conversation is over and he is free to call me up again in a week to try again. I'm going to try this with him but I'm wondering if anyone else can add their thoughts. This is such a tricky situation, which I've been working to fix for an entire year now, and I can use all the advice that I can get.

Thanks!

if he uses your boy name when talking to you, don't answer. if you're in public, try not to make a big deal out of it if he's talking to someone else and say's "he." if he does it once, they'll probably just think of it as a mistake. if he keeps doing it say something like "you really can't stop thinking about my brother can you?" also, doing what spacial says can help as well. if you sseem natural and acting as a typical female, people shouldn't notice.vdon't agknowledge the male name, because sometimes that can get people to think as long as you respond to it, it's still a name they can identify you with.

[-CRaSH-]

Sometimes you can't really do anything about that.

[Del]

Rachel B,
Being a straight dad with no children that have GID I really cannot relate to all of this. Neither do I know all the facts making it harder to imagine the right answer. But I can say this much about being a dad that grew up blonde with the roots remaining after the hair was long gone.

When I would make a mistake or do things because I was inconsiderate of my kid's feelings a conversation about how I had hurt them in unawares and even when I knew better went way farther than anger. Sometimes saying things in anger can unleash an argument or circumstances that leave devastating results.

I think (and cannot say I know) that if my son had a conversation with me and told me that my inattention or lack of concern to his GID was hurting him I would be more apt to straighten my actions out because of my love for my kids. It would leave a far greater impact than arguing. I would probably still make mistakes but try my best to treat her like she wants after the conversation. But maybe not all are as close to their kids as I am to mine. And of course if my kids have GID they haven't told me yet. But if they do I still love them enough to honor their wishes.

Just a dad's opinion young lady.

[xAndrewx]

Sorry Rachel *hug* My grandma is doing something similar. I've been out over a year to her and she still calls me by my birthname and female. Seriously we'll be having a conversation and it'll go like this.

her- "can you carry that laundry in 'birth name' "

me- "yeah I can do that but can you please try to remember to call me Drew?"

her- "Sorry I mean Drew."  ten seconds later as I walk away towards the laundry "Don't forget about that laundry 'birthname' "

My mom warned her about my safety and it got better for a couple hours and went back to the usual after that.

Best thing I can say is when he says "I've been saying other name for so long" point out that your mother and brother get it right most of the time. That's what I point out when she says that. I say "well so has my mom but she gets it right". Usually she can't come up with a comeback.

[Rachel Bellefountaine]

Thank you everyone for your responses...

The situation has just got worse, I must say. I confronted him again, and we fought for over an hour about it. In the end I told him that if he keeps on using the wrong name he can expect me to correct him every single time. He then made it clear to me that if I'm going to do that I shouldn't bother talking to him anymore...

I love my dad.... but I just can't take all this emotional abuse if I'm not even allowed to stand up for myself... If he's going to give me that ultimatum, I guess I have to pick my emotional wellbeing over being able to speak with him.... It really sucks... Both choices hurt here.... I'm crying just typing this.... But I feel like crap every time I talk to my dad, as is, so I feel that this is the choice I need to make for the long run.... I dunno.... I'm so confused right now....

[Northern Jane]

I feel for you Hon!

With me it was my (adopted) mom who simply REFUSED to make any adjustments even after transition/SRS. When the rest of the world saw only a girl, she continued using my male name until I finally laid down the law and broke off all contact when she refused to use the correct terms. I only saw my parents twice after that, both times under the protection of my husband (who wouldn't tolerate any such foolishness) and she went to her grave without ever uttering my name. As much as that hurt, it was HER loss in never acknowledging a daughter she could have been very proud of.

Hang in there! There is always hope ......

[E]

I'm so sorry it had to come to this .

[sfem]

It's a real shame he cannot adapt. Maybe he needs to realize this is costing him his relationship with you. Maybe that's what he thinks he wants and wants you to instigate it so he won't feel he did anything wrong. Perhaps not being with him until he agrees to try to adapt (clearly he isn't making any effort to adapt) will make him choose between you and his imaginary you. If he sees the other people in the family are able to have a relationship with you and adapt, and he is the one losing out (he doesn't see you as losing out, or that it is your choice to lose out, not his fault) then maybe he'll decide to move forward, and let his internal view of you as how he saw you before the change, slip into the past. Hopefully he will make a choice you are both happy with. But if ultimatums and unidirectional perspectives are his only way of seeing the world, then maybe he needs to decide he wants to be on your side. Maybe no-one can make him feel that but himself.

Whatever happens, remember this isn't some fault of yours. Stay strong and focus on the relationships that are going in the right direction. Perhaps the wake from them will drag him in a little. I hope things improve.

[Dana Lane]

Start calling him "Mom" in public.

[Carlita]

Start calling him "Mom" in public.

Brilliant! 

[babykittenful]

Start calling him "Mom" in public.

This is definitely my favorite answer to this topic!

I think that this is the problem that many people face with their parents. Since your dad has seen you grow up as his boy, it's just too much of a step to actually acknowledge you as a girl. Truth be told, he might never do it. However, if you keep letting him know that it's important for you and that he cannot make you "change" by calling you with male pronouns, the transition can happen in his mind. You just have to give him time.

In the meanwhile, it doesn't hurt to use humor to remind him of how he hurts you. If he doesn't like it, at least you will feel better ;-)

[Maddie Secutura]

My mother has been like that.  Whenever she was angry with me she would use my birthname.  I was lucky to be able to move out on my own.  I understand where you're coming from.  Honestly I'd prefer to have the refusal of acceptance outright than in some passive agressive form.

[Eleanor]

Start calling him "Mom" in public.

You are so, so awesome. <3

Whenever she was angry with me she would use my birthname.

That's terrible! It's such a snarky, passive-aggressive way to hurt someone, and if you called her out on it I bet you she'd just claim it was a mistake.