Kind of confused... (Warning: tl;dr)

[420NEKO]

[deleted]

[Robert Scott]

Welcome to the group.  No one is going to answer that question for you ... it is something that you have to find out for yourself.

I have always known that I didn't fit the role of a girl but never considered myself trans until recently and I am 40.   I just knew I wasn't a typical girl and I hated to be classified that way.  I called myself a butch dyke but the reality is I am not that either.

Talking with my counselor really helped me see myself and be comfortable with myself. 

There is not a certain path or way of thinking that makes your trans or gender queer or andro.... it is how you choose to define yourself.

First step I suggest is to talk to someone who can not be judgmental and let you explain yourself out loud so you can hear what you think - it does impact you - school counselor - therapist - trusted teacher .... they can help you figure out what the next steps are to what you need to do to make yourself more comfortable being you.

[quinn]

I've felt similar to that before. I was in denial about being trans for a while, because I'd already had to deal with a lot just when I came out as a lesbian, and I thought I could never handle being so different (I live in a very conservative area, so everyone freaked out when I told them I was gay). So I tried to do everything I could to prove to myself that I could be happy being female, I spent tons of money on girly clothes, and makeup, and just all this girl stuff it was insane. In the end, though, it didn't make me happy, it just made me hate myself more for trying to be something I'm not.

After I told my mom and brother that I think I'm trans, my mom wont stop saying what a beautiful girl I am, and my brother wont let me do ANYTHING! Because, I'm a girl. =/ Saying stuff like, "You can't carry that, you're a girl. Let a man do it." I think they're trying to make me stay how I am..?

Yeah, my family reacted the same way (except I didn't tell them I was trans, they found a book I had about transitioning and assumed I was trans), and I got a long speech from my mum about how they (meaning, the whole family) wanted me to stay female, they wouldn't accept me as anything other than female, and that they'd rather I was a lesbian than a trans-man. Ever since then, my mum is constantly complimenting me on how "pretty" or "beautiful" I look, which I totally hate.

I also wanted to be one gender, not something somewhere in the middle of the gender binary, but now I'm ok with being somewhat gender-variant (I'm going to take T, get top surgery and a hysterectomy, but I'm never going to get bottom surgery because I don't really care what I do or don't have down there, and the surgical options aren't that great).

So, yeah, I think you need to keep in mind that you don't have to decide who you are right this second, you can take your time to think about who you truly are and what changes, if any, would make you happier and more comfortable with your own body. I would suggest waiting until you've figured out all that before starting transition. If you try dressing as a guy, and wearing cologne, or whatever else (cutting your hair short, etc.), then it might make it easier for you to see if that makes you more comfortable. After all, the whole point of transitioning is being more comfortable with who you are and matching how you feel internally with how you present externally.

[JohnAlex]

Omg, man, what are you are going is EXACTLY what I went through not too long ago.  Oh, wow.  to a T, that is exactly how I felt. 

It took my years of dwelling on the thoughts that maybe I'm trans to finally decided that "Yes. I an trans." 

I thought about it over and and over.  I always knew that if I could choose to have been born as a male, I would definitely choose that.  but since I was born a girl, I thought about, yeah, I could probably live my life as a girl. 

But then I read stories from other transseuxals who transitioned at ages 30, 40, or even 50.  and they said in their stories how they wished they'd done it long ago, back when they first knew. 
And my biggest fear in life is regret.  And I didn't want to get into my 50 and realize that I lived half my life in the wrong gender.  I felt like I owed it to myself to really explore this. 
And I started dressing as a guy, I would have online friends who only knew me as a guy (since I didn't have the guts to come out IRL).  And all these things made me so much happier.  I didn't expect that.  I think that's really what did it for me.  If I wasn't trans, I think I would have realized it once I started trying to be a guy.  but since it makes me so happy every time I put on male clothes and march out in public, I know this is right for me.


Now, I'm not saying that you're trans.  Because I don't think anyone can say that for you but yourself.  but one thing I would suggest is to try it, and keep thinking about it and how you feel about what you're trying, and your conscience will let you know if this is right for you.  And DON'T let people get you down by telling you what you are or are not.  Just ignore them and focus on what you think of yourself. 


Your feelings and story is exactly like mine.  I also am attracted to men.  And this makes some of my friends say that that is proof that I am not really a guy.
I am not really out to my family, though, because I am afraid of how they will take it.


You said that you're 90% sure you want to transition, but the other 10% disagrees.   Well I just wanted to say it's the same for me even now.  When I'm alone with my thoughts, I am 100% sure I want to fully transition.  but when some jackass of a friend says something to me about me being a girl or being feminine, it goes back down to 90%.  They put doubt in me.  and maybe it's not even me doubting myself, it's more just my fear of how people will judge me afterwards.  and I ask myself, "Is it worth it?"  "How hard would it be really if I were to stay as female?" 
I hate disappointing people who have faith in me.  which is why I haven't come out to my family yet.


It's really hard.  It is a lot to figure out for yourself.  I actually first joined Susan's when I was at the same place you are, where I just didn't know for sure.  But the more I think about it, the more I try out IRL, the more I just confirm with myself that THIS IS WHO I AM.  and I'm also going to have to learn how to stand up to people, including family, who disagree with me.  I have to not let it get me down or stop me from being me.

[Wraith]

I've cried and wished that I was a boy, many times, but I'm finding that as I get older, I feel like I might be able to live as a girl. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid..?

But... I'm not sure if these are normal thoughts that every trans guy goes through or not..? Every time I put makeup on, or try to be girly, I feel good at first (maybe because I love playing dress-up XD ) but when I'm halfway through with makeup stuff, I get super pissed/depressed and feel disgusted at myself..

I had periods where I thought I might be able to live as a girl as well, but I kept realizing how impossible it all was and that I would never stop wanting a male body. The depressions came back harder and harder each time until I couldn't take it anymore.

I was extreme about girly stuff at times, it made me feel pretty and loved, so I enjoyed it somehow, 'cause that was the only way people around here would appreciate me, but 95% of the time I got that anger/depression and disgust about it. Because I knew that it wasn't what I actually wanted. I felt like those girly periods actually came from deep denial about being trans, and it often felt like I was punishing myself for feeling like a guy. I described it to my psychologist as an ongoing circle of events that was out of control.

Once I truly accepted that I'm trans, and accepted who I really am (and stopped caring about what anyone else said), those compulsive behaviours slowed down and then completely stopped.

[Wraith]

But then I read stories from other transseuxals who transitioned at ages 30, 40, or even 50.  and they said in their stories how they wished they'd done it long ago, back when they first knew. 
And my biggest fear in life is regret.  And I didn't want to get into my 50 and realize that I lived half my life in the wrong gender.  I felt like I owed it to myself to really explore this.

Very much this. I knew I would definitely regret it if I waited until I'm 40-50, and if I know THAT, then I should start as soon as I can with transition. It was just a matter of gathering the courage to get out and do it.

BTW, when I was about 8 years old I figured that I was gay(male gay), I even felt ashamed if I came off as girly to classmates because I didn't want anyone to "figure out" that I was gay, as if they already saw me as male(which they didn't).
I kept feeling confused about that for years though, because I of course knew I was female bodied, and I didn't understand how I could both feel like a boy AND like boys. But yeah, that's perfectly possible.

[Ryno]

Trying to answer this question right now is like trying to learn to play a piano in one day. Every problem requires you to break it into smaller bits and deal with it a little bit at a time. Otherwise you'll overwhelm yourself, as I'm sure you8're experiencing right now.

Every single transgendered person - or at least a vast majority of us - feel these doubts once in a while. And at the beginning of your journey you'll feel this doubt a lot. Just get comfortable with yourself a bit more each day. Don't think about everything at once. Telling your family so soon that you feel you may be transgendered may be a good thing too. As you become more comfortable with the idea and grow into yourself as a man (if that's who you realize you are) they will go through their own symptoms of doubt and denial at the same time as you rather than years later. I think most families have a hard time at first with these revelations. It's the people closest to you who are often the most hurt. It certainly doesn't mean they don't love you or you need to move on and drop them - it means the opposit. Eventually they may come around and your relationships may become even stronger.

Anyway, don't worry, these doubts don't mean you are not a transman. It's a scary thing, it's a huge change in the way you see yourself and there's always the question of "How'd I end up with this deck of cards?" Trust me, it's a royal flush. Once you accept yourself for who you are, no matter what you are, you can become a whole lot more confident with yourself.

[420NEKO]

Hey, everyone, thanks so much for the replies!

Reading them made me feel like I'm not alone, and that really helps me. Actually, reading all the replies made me feel like, yes, I am trans. But, of course, I still want to be 100% sure.

I've been trying to dress as a guy. Really, most of my life I've worn boy clothes anyways. I was always a tomboy.

About a month ago, I made a homemade packer, and every time I wear it I feel like a different person mentally. I've only worn it like 4 times, though, and never outside of the privacy of my own room. Then, not too long ago I went to the store trying to pass. But, the cashier called me ma'am, and I told my brother that she ruined my day when she did that. He kinda just shrugged.

I'm also worried about not transitioning while I'm still young. I'm 20 right now, and have been trying to think about this since I was 14. Actually, now that I think about it, my depression started at around that age... But I have a very cloudy mind most of the time, and always have, so I'm worried that I'm not thinking clearly enough. >.<;

I've been trying to set an appointment with a counselor, and maybe try talking about this, but another problem of mine is severe social anxiety, so when the appointment came, I ended up not going... I don't think anyone in this state is capable of dealing with GID. I haven't found ANY gender therapists, and people I've emailed in GLBT clubs say that they can't think of any. Since there aren't any, though, I feel like it's a good thing. It gives me time to think more by myself.

Thank you all very much.

[420NEKO]

Oh, and, any tips on how I can think about this more? I know that probably sounds weird.

But, I always overwhelm myself. What would be a good way to think about this? Like, writing all my memories of feeling this way when I was younger?

Um... I think I might have just answered my own question.... ^^; But, any other suggestions?

[Jeh]

Do you have anyone at all to talk to? If not a therapist, then a friend or family member? The way I figured out I was on the right path was to talk about it. I was lucky enough to have a trans support group to talk to, but I also went through a period of several months where I decided I was going to stay female, and I stopped thinking about transition for a short time, and in that distance I realized that transition was what I truly wanted.

Sorry, I'm explaining it kind of jumbled, but I was constantly obsessing over transitioning and I had to take a step back from it all to really discover what was right for me.

[420NEKO]

No, I don't really have anyone to talk to. I've tried to talk to my older brother, but he just says he thinks it's a waste of money and unnecessary. :/
And I can't talk to my mom about it. She never wants to listen to anything I have to say about it. I'm hoping that talking about it here will help me. Maybe I will try talking with my brother about it again. He's probably the person that would support me most, when I can explain things good enough to him.

I've also went through some time where I stopped thinking about it, but then when I did think about it again, the feelings got a little stronger.
I feel like I need to keep thinking about it, every day until I find out if this is who I am.

[JohnAlex]

No, I don't really have anyone to talk to. I've tried to talk to my older brother, but he just says he thinks it's a waste of money and unnecessary. :/
And I can't talk to my mom about it. She never wants to listen to anything I have to say about it. I'm hoping that talking about it here will help me. Maybe I will try talking with my brother about it again. He's probably the person that would support me most, when I can explain things good enough to him.

I've also went through some time where I stopped thinking about it, but then when I did think about it again, the feelings got a little stronger.
I feel like I need to keep thinking about it, every day until I find out if this is who I am.

I'm sorry you don't really have anyone IRL.  I hope your brother will become more open minded to you and listen to you.
Well I'm glad you found this site.  People here are more than willing to listen to you talk about things.   And we can talk about our experiences for you to compare to. 

You can PM me anytime you'd like and I'll listen.  And if you like to chat I'm also quite often on AIM ( Buraindoshouri) and MSN (taincurt@hotmail.com).
Also I wanted to show you this thread where people were giving out their facebook and AIM and MSN info for anyone to add.   I think the more personal friends you have to support you really helps.  Even if they're only online friends. 
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,95853.msg700889.html#msg700889

Add me!

[Wolf]

My experience was a little different, I spent all my life in my head knowing I was a guy but never thinking there was any way to correct it, so I thought (miserably) that I would have to live my whole life stuck inside this little human prison.

But on a more helpful note, what made me realise that I was trans (as opposed to the above, I didn't know that being trans was a thing, or that I even was) was when I told two close friends how I felt, and they were well informed and told me about what can be done. Support is definitely a key, because a few words of reinforcement can be far more reassuring that you are going down the right path, than ignorant comments that you are doing the wrong thing.

Think about this: If someone close to you told you that they had always thought you were more male than female and that you as a guy 'fits' you, wouldn't you feel waaay more inclined to trust your own thoughts about being male, than when people say things to make you doubt yourself? I don't know if what I'm trying to say came across right; I think as much as self reflection helps you find your own path, reinforcement and support are also vital. I suppose that is easy for me to say, but stick around here and read what other guys are feeling, talk to some fellas here or try to find some support groups. Think about how you would feel if your family used male pronouns for you- would you feel more comfortable, or awkward? Just some ideas like that to kind of map out your feelings on the matter.

[justmeinoz]

The evidence is pretty conclusive that we are dealing with a medical problem involving brain development that is not curable by psychiatric means.  Sometimes I feel like lots of us are banging our heads against a brick wall.
So when will people start accepting reality? It's a bit like trying to convince a paraplegic they don't need their wheelchair to get around, because they still have their legs attached.

[420NEKO]

@JohnAlex; Thanks. I added you on AIM. My screen-name is Tsukuyomi420. I'm not on very often, but it would be nice to chat sometime!


@DevinJW; Yeah, what you said makes sense to me. And, I think I'll ask my family if they would be willing to use male pronouns while I attempt to pass. I think it would probably feel awkward if they did, and I was dressed like a girl. Only because I know I wouldn't look like a male.

[420NEKO]

So... I've been seriously thinking about this all day, and watching FTM guys' videos on Youtube. While watching them, I found myself envying them, wishing I was going through transition, too. But, I'm worried I might have just gotten myself so psyched up about this because I was watching those videos.

I feel 100% sure now that I need to transition, but at the same time I'm doubting myself pretty badly. And, while doubting myself I was wondering if I just want to do it because I saw their happiness, and want to be that happy too. Which, makes me wonder if I don't want to transition, but just find happiness. But the more I think that, the more I keep telling myself that I really want this.

I am very easily influenced by others; knowing this could possibly be one reason for the doubt that I have. But I have felt 100% sure without any outside influence. So my mind is all over the place. Maybe I'm just doubting myself because it will be a hard journey to become male... Dammit! I guess this is why I need a therapist. >.<;

[sascraps]

If you decide your trans, it will be hard to wrap your head around. I'm an older person and have spent all my life so far just thinking that I'm a tomboy. I've never been girly, not in the least, never identified with it and have never been comfortable in my own skin. Having seen a lot of transguys' videos too, wow, it blew my mind! Seeing the full transition is absolutely amazing! And it makes me smile. How can you not be trans and see videos like that thinking it would be so freaking awesome if you could change that much! So, it must be for real. No one would want to go that far if they had any connection to their birth gender, right? But I'm still letting it sink in myself, as my eyes have only been opened to the trans world in the past couple of months. I hope you can find the freedom to play around with it more, as in, wear guys' clothes exclusively and everything, and not be harassed by your family about it. Lucky for me though, I've been wearing all guys' clothes since I was a teenager, and even mens' underwear since I was 25 maybe. But I come from a controlling family so it hasn't been easy to win those freedoms of choice. 

[JohnAlex]

So... I've been seriously thinking about this all day, and watching FTM guys' videos on Youtube. While watching them, I found myself envying them, wishing I was going through transition, too. But, I'm worried I might have just gotten myself so psyched up about this because I was watching those videos.

I feel 100% sure now that I need to transition, but at the same time I'm doubting myself pretty badly. And, while doubting myself I was wondering if I just want to do it because I saw their happiness, and want to be that happy too. Which, makes me wonder if I don't want to transition, but just find happiness. But the more I think that, the more I keep telling myself that I really want this.

I am very easily influenced by others; knowing this could possibly be one reason for the doubt that I have. But I have felt 100% sure without any outside influence. So my mind is all over the place. Maybe I'm just doubting myself because it will be a hard journey to become male... Dammit! I guess this is why I need a therapist. >.<;

I understand how you're feeling there.  Not too long ago when I was still trying to figure out for sure if i am trans, I used to go to bed every night smiling because I told myself I was trans and really a guy and I would be happy imagining my future life as a male.   And then i would always wake up the next morning immediately saying to myself, "What the HELL were you thinking?!"  I would panic and tell myself that I can live as a girl. 

And that went on for nights and nights.  once in a while it still happens.  I wonder if it has something to do with a dream that I can't remember.

But just take it slow.  and just keep thinking about what you feel.  You'll get it

[420NEKO]

I stayed away from the videos for a day. I know it may not have been long enough, but I feel like it was. I started to think about it more, and then I remembered all the times over the years that I have questioned myself about this. I decided to have another talk with my brother, and I'm surprised at how well it went. He told me his reasons for not wanting me to do it, and it's mostly because of the risks of going through surgery. I tried talking to my mom about it, and we did, but... I forgot what was said, because it wasn't a serious conversation for her I guess.

I started dressing more like a guy, as best as I could, and I feel so much more comfortable. I even noticed a change in my body language. But just a little while ago, I was holding my kitten. She started squirming to get away and my mom said, "She's being defiant to her mother. Now you know how it feels." I was like Wtf?

Ah, and yesterday I put on a sports bra, which is the only thing I really have to help with my chest, and wore a big baggy hoodie. I went to the store with my brother, and the cashier kept giving me little glances, and had a kinda confused look on his face. I felt confident the whole time I was there, but I probably just looked like a lesbain. >_<;

I'm thinking about asking my brother to call me by my chosen name. The only problem is I'm having trouble deciding which name I like best.. I'll give it more thought, ask him to do that, then see how it feels.




@JohnAlex; Wow, it's amazing how similar our experiences are! Sometimes I would lay in bed imagining my life as a guy for hours, but then out of nowhere I would tell myself I'll never be male. Then, I would end up crying for an hour or two... The more I remember and think about this, the stronger these feelings are getting. I guess I tried to block it all out, but searching online for FTM info always makes my memories come back.

[straightedgechris]

Ah yes! I knew when I was 4 that I was supposed to have been born a boy. I cried myself to sleep--at age FOUR!--wishing / praying I would wake up a  boy. I had not been to school yet, my little brothers were not born yet; I had no way of knowing at that age there was a physical difference---I just knew I was not supposed to be a girl.

I never, ever tried to fit in as a GIRL; I was being "mistaken" for male beginning as a teenager, having women give me a hard time for being in the women's bathroom from about age 15...I went from being a tomboy / athlete to lesbian (ok BI but having sex with men while I ID'd as female never seemed right) / athlete lol then thought I could be a tough, anti patriarichal, radical feminist trying to come to terms with my having been born female & not realising there was anything I could do about it.....I never, ever in a million years though I would be able to afford surgery or anything else that went along with transitioning...

It took me some time to come back to knowing what I knew long ago: I am a boy.

It is pretty common, what you're going through. Only you can tell you whats right for you; cheers !