Hi all. I'm new the forum and just need advice I guess. Or input, maybe to hear from people that have gone through this. Something. I'm at my wits end. This is going to be long but I really really appreciate anyone for reading it.
I've been in a relationship with a FTM for three years now, almost four. We were very happy together. I believed him when he said he loves me, and I love him so much. I wanted our relationship to work. I still do, I just can't take the bs anymore. The problems we've been having have escalated within the past six months in particular.
He started hormones a few months before I met him, so it's been about four years now. He's said before that the doctor keeps her patients on the lower end of the scale as far as dosing and the amount of T when he gets tested. Not sure if/how much it matters.
We've had issues for awhile now. Just recently (maybe also six months ago) I finally realized that I was not the cause of problem in this relationship. It takes two to tango and I believed that our issues were caused by OUR actions. I realized that I was incorrect. I thought about it and realized it wasn't me. It was his actions, accusations, and words that had damaged us. But no matter how much and what techniques I tried to explain it to him, to at least make him understand where I was coming from, he just didn't care. Everything was my fault and I was to blame. He will tell me he does nothing wrong by me, when I 'throw my hands up' and say that "yes, I've done everything wrong" he retaliates with the "no you don't it's both of us". When I try to tell him why I feel like I do he tells me he doesn't treat me like that...vicious circle. I've since stopped playing into it.
The middle of last year I had to block him from my facebook because he was stalking a friend of mine. Going out of his way to get his information because I was talking to him online. He got his phone number and full name and email to start harassing and threatening my friend. Because he thought I was cheating on him and that my friend wanted to kick his ass. I live in PA. My friend is a celibate monk and lives across the country in ID. The whole thing was ridiculous. But my friend's name kept coming up every week, by my boyfriend, who I just concluded was obsessed about him. It was obnoxious, hurtful, and destroyed me every time he brought it up. Considering how far apart we live, that should have been enough. Since then he's moved onto other friends of mine, usually also across the country. In February I invited him to dinner with a married couple who were friends of mine and that caused him to take a dunk in the deep end as well. I asked him if he'd like to come to dinner with us during the week sometime in the afternoon. At 11PM as I'm getting ready to lie in bed for the night he demands to know who this friend is and if he was going to have to tolerate watching me flirting all night with a stranger while he paid for my dinner. Obviously, this was upsetting to me for a number of reasons. That escalated to us not speaking for a couple weeks.
The week before Thanksgiving he started a major fight and we didn't speak through the holiday. Then it was ok for a few days and we had another fight in the beginning of December. We didn't speak for a week and then I get text messages from him, very erratic, demanding his bb gun back. Saying I should drop it off at his house, then if I didn't he was picking it up at 9PM, then to leave it outside my door for his 9PM visit. At 7PM he came over banging on my door to which I didn't answer because of how he was acting. I sure as hell wasn't leaving a gun (fake or not) outside my door for a few hours. When I didn't answer the door he got enraged and keyed every panel on my truck – costing over $3000 in damages that I will never recoup because he doesn't have the money. I still have all the texts and emails he sent and photos of my truck. We didn't start speaking outside of nasty emails until the middle of January. A couple ok weeks and then we didn't speak much of February.
About a month ago I had to take my dog to an emergency appointment an hour away. I borrowed his car. As I was walking out of the office I had called him to let him know what happened and I was on my way home. I texted him on the ride back saying I was starving and craving pizza hut. That flew him into a rage because it meant I was out having an affair. He claimed I didn't tell him what happened with the appointment, had lied about it, ect. Returned the car at 8:40 and just came home for the night. At 10 I get an email from him saying that I had dropped my work phone inside his apartment. I tell him I'm coming over to get it and then he tells me I had made a phone call to someone (I forget who) at 9:30. He got (emotionally) violent about it, and argued with me about it. Saying he took the sim card out of my phone and copied all the information, and that I had made that phone call. I asked how the hell I did that because I didn't have my phone between at least 8:40 and 10 but he wouldn't answer, just kept insisting he had the information. That it was proof of an affair.
My main issue are these delusional accusations and his emotional violence. It's extreme and it's torn us apart. When he's stable it's great and I couldn't ask for more. He's nice, he loves me, and I feel like we could be together forever. A few weeks ago (after the phone thing) I guess one of his friends defended me or at least got it into his head that it really is HIM causing us to destruct and he's the one being "bipolar" (for lack of better terms).
On Tuesday he had an appointment with his doctor because he wanted a referral to a neurologist. She told him that she sees a lot of FTM patients that go through similar. She wanted him to put him on ritalin but he has to get an "official" diagnosis first (which means weeks more waiting for meds...).
On Wednesday a CONDOM fell out of his wallet. We have NEVER used condoms (nor does he have equipment for it...) and I just completely fail to see why he has one. His first story was that he's had it forever but I checked the expiration and it's new. Then the story changed to him picking it up at the clinic when he saw his doctor and that "all guys keep a condom in their wallet." (This may just be my experience, but imo guys do NOT keep a condom in their wallet and just try to get the girl to have sex anyway because no one likes condoms.) After a couple minutes I was still upset over it but decided to believe him. Just wasn't worth the energy to not think he was telling the truth and it's not like we spent a lot of time apart (in the past few weeks when things have been calm).
Also on Wednesday night I had a pair of heels in my living room floor that I had brought up from cleaning the basement to put in the basket with the rest of my shoes. I haven't worn them in years and they're the only pair I have. I'm not feminine in nature, nor do I wear feminine things. We often joke that if I wore a skirt/heels it'd be like me crossdressing. But I've been on a mission to clean the house so the shoes were upstairs. Last night he got into one of his fits and said he was leaving. I thought it was good and maybe he realized he was being emotional and was leaving to prevent a fight. I was wrong and instead he sat brooding on the couch for about ten minutes before attacking me about who I was appeasing with the heels. Its gotten to the point that I don't speak during these attacks and I wait it out. It's not worth talking because he'll just accuse me no matter what the facts are (like the phone). A few minutes later I opened the door and told him to leave. I physically had to push him out and slam the door to lock it. He was so nasty and demanding to know who I was wearing the heels for. Because of the truck incident I always watch him leave when he's like this. When he got to the sidewalk he yelled back at me that he was calling two of my friends to ask them about it and harass/threaten them so I had the police come over and filed another report and asked that they follow up with him.
The emotional violence he subjects me to is not only unfair, but I just can't take it anymore. He is so extremely nasty to me. He makes crazy accusations (like having an affair with someone across the country, or making phone calls when I don't even physically have my phone) and it HURTS. To be frank, he treats me like ->-bleeped-<- when he's like this. The past couple weeks it seemed like he was making an effort. He stayed home on nights where he felt it coming and apologized in the mornings when he's been an ass.
My questions are...is this really typical for FTM??? Do things usually have a tendency to get so nasty and neurotic? With the right medication could this be "fixed"? Is there any hope or am I right in completely cutting him off and trying to heal myself from this? I've never been more happy with anyone in my life, but these issues...these outbursts...I can't do it anymore. This morning I sent him an email telling him to not contact me again and he hasn't responded, so I know he's lucid and probably very sorry. He's never not responded, whether in a fit or not. He's ALWAYS had to have the last word.
I might just be having some wishful thinking that he's actually sorry. But if he was still raging I don't think the hateful emails would have stopped by now.
Please help? Thoughts? Anything??
