god i missed this forum , i always have a hard time starting posts because i dont know where to start. well the reason i havnt been active here is i dont think i'm worthy of the term transsexual because well , i dont think i Will actually transition , the reason i'm not is financial , geographical . etc...
and i've coped with it for quarter of a century now , i think i'm a good coper lol "sarcasm" , except that i've always thought i had some sort of an OCD condition that made me feel repulsie and very uncomfortable of my own body , the one thing i never could cope with though , is that feeling that i should've been born a girl and the sadness i've always felt for not being considered as one , and well we , humans , are not really free, no matter where we live.
so anyway , even though i have only put the pieces together and found out the real problem 2 or 3 years ago, but i have always had this alternative life over the internet where i got to be who i really am or what i wanna be, whatever.
funny thing about realization btw , that most of the time , we feel alot better not knowing . so for me if i had a choice , i would have chosen not to know about the possibelity of a solution that i cant get
anyway , in that alternative life , i meet people ,and i have been doing voice exercises for 3 years now so my voice lately has been passable. in some situations , some wanted to be more than friends but of course it cant be so i have always burried my personal feelings away . but well ...i do have feelings , so i fell for one , and i let my gaurds off . problem now is i know this dream has to end sometime , because i know for a fact that if that person finds out about..well me , they will be traumatized. and since i'm not transitioning ever,or at least not anytime soon , this relationship cant continue .right now i reached the point where it hurts if that person got
hurt.so i dont know a way to end it without causing pain to that person , and i dont know what to do if that person decides to visit me at my country which they has offered many times . right now i miss them a lot but i decided to not make calls or be online as often as i used to be , thinking maybe i can let things ..fade? or i dont know
i'm not sure why i'm posting this . or why i'm so determind to post it after writing another long post and some computer problem caused everything i wrote to be gone . maybe i'm seeking advice , or acknowledgment . i've been laying in bed trying to sleep for 4 hours now , so i just thought to speak my mind here since i have absolutely no one to talk about to with things like this , feeling a little drowsy already so i guess it worked , thank you for listening
