I'm going in circles in my mind as I think about it. I feel like I have to do something. I can't deal with this forever. I just don't know what to do.
I don't have my own place or anything (i don't even have my own room). I live with my grandparents. My mom is here often too. Moving out is not an option at this point in time. Though the privacy would be extremely nice, I don't even want to live alone anyway.
I can't secretly see a therapist or go to a support group without telling my family about my transgenderness first. First of all, a therapist would cost a lot of money. Secondly, I would not be able to go without people wondering where I'm going. I never seem to go anywhere that they wouldn't know about. They'd know something's going on. Also, I don't have a driver's license. (only an ID card)
I wish I could transition, but it seems unrealistic. No... I wish I was born a girl and didn't have to deal with this, but that's just not how it is, sadly. I can't really afford to transition. I can't expect my parents to pay for it, can I? Can I....? I mean, I'd like it very, very much if they would help, but I can't specifically expect it. It might make the coming out process worse if I did expect them to pay for my transitioning. It don't even know if they'll be accepting in the first place. And, I'm not sure how I could transition without some monetary help. I do have some money, but I don't have a job, so it'd run out before long at all if I had to pay for stuff like therapy, hormones, and hair removal on my own.
I don't have my own bedroom, so this next idea would still require that I tell my family about my feelings. Maybe I could tell my family about my feelings & be able to be myself at home, though only through crossdressing at home? As in, stuck being a guy anytime I go out & somehow (not sure how) giving up the idea of transitioning. I don't even know how my family would react to just that though. They might harass or tease me daily, for all I know. Or not. Who knows? I just know I'm so scared and confused. And it's not like I can try again if I go about it the wrong way. What has been said cannot be unsaid....
...Anyway, if I don't transition, I easily don't have to tell lots of people about my gender issues... but it comes at the cost of just never being my true self outside the home. That's a fairly big cost. Unless instead.... I tell my close family about me, then take a waiting period while I ponder further transition (before I tell other family and such). Blah....
Honestly, I still have a few doubts about transition too, but I think it's all because this seems so near impossible. There's not too much I like about being a guy at all. It's just that I start to think about how hard transition would be, and how people (family & otherwise) might react... and it just makes me want to forget all this out of frustration and fear. It makes me think, sort of, that being a guy isn't all that bad. It just doesn't quite work like that though. I still end up finding myself depressed about being male soon enough.
Sometimes I worry transition would be useless. I worry that I wouldn't be passable enough. My body might be too physically male for it to be effective. (for one thing, my damn adam's apple is waaaay too noticeable!) I'd look like a fake or something. I'd be completely afraid to go anywhere. I wouldn't ever want to leave the house. Anyway, fortunately, other times, I think I could be a fairly pretty girl.
Hormones.... how safe are they, really? I don't want to suddenly die of a blood clot. I don't want anything bad like that to happen. Do they have any affect on lifespan? Would I live the same amount of time as if I were to not transition? Would I live longer, maybe? That might be nice. Or would I die sooner? x_X
I would want SRS someday. I hate my male parts! Yet, in a way, I would not want SRS... because I am soooo scared too! (I wish I could just go into suspended animation or something until the whole thing is done and healed and stuff! Grrr.... I wish I was in the future, if things like that become possible someday. Yep, I am a bit of a futurist) I don't like the thought of having surgery of any sort! There are other health concerns I have too. Also, I'd be stuck paying for the whole freakin' thing! I don't know that I'd ever be able to afford it.
Health concerns, money problems, rejection, incompleteness, and tons of other worries... x_x I feel like I'm just going through the same concerns over and over again. The only solution is to finally try something & see what happens. I'm just so scared it won't go well, that I'll do something wrong, and that I just don't know how to deal with the consequences if that's how it goes.
I don't know how I'll ever have any friends. I don't know how I'll ever have a partner. (It can be hard enough for a non-trans person to find a girlfriend or boyfriend.) I am very, very socially anxious & shy in the first place. Whether I transition or not, I'll still have this same worry. It was a problem even before I considered the idea of transitioning. I had friends before, but I lost touch with them within a year out of high school. None of them knew about my transgenderness. I did know I was transgender, but I didn't even consider the idea of actual transition at the time. I just liked crossdressing and pretending. I never thought they would accept it. But now I'll never know for sure anyway.
Also, um... here's a link to my intro topic. I said a lot of other stuff there...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,94720.0.htmlSometimes I don't know why I want to live. It's amazing that I'm not highly suicidal. I've never even attempted suicide. The thought has been on my mind before, but not the intent. I suppose I'm afraid of death just a bit more than I hate my life.... and I guess that's a good thing. And there's some good stuff in life, even if life does almost completely suck in general.
I can't keep delaying. I don't know how I've done it so far. I still just... I just don't know what to say though. I don't know how I'll stay calm. I don't know what to expect. I have to do this, but it STILL feels impossible. WHAT do I tell my family? HOW do I tell them? x_x
I could probably make this already-too-long post even longer, but I'll stop here for now. I hope the length doesn't stop too many people from reading it...
