I'm going in circles in my mind as I think about it. I feel like I have to do something. I can't deal with this forever. I just don't know what to do.

I don't have my own place or anything (i don't even have my own room). I live with my grandparents. My mom is here often too. Moving out is not an option at this point in time. Though the privacy would be extremely nice, I don't even want to live alone anyway.

I can't secretly see a therapist or go to a support group without telling my family about my transgenderness first. First of all, a therapist would cost a lot of money. Secondly, I would not be able to go without people wondering where I'm going. I never seem to go anywhere that they wouldn't know about. They'd know something's going on. Also, I don't have a driver's license. (only an ID card)

I wish I could transition, but it seems unrealistic. No... I wish I was born a girl and didn't have to deal with this, but that's just not how it is, sadly. I can't really afford to transition. I can't expect my parents to pay for it, can I? Can I....? I mean, I'd like it very, very much if they would help, but I can't specifically expect it. It might make the coming out process worse if I did expect them to pay for my transitioning. It don't even know if they'll be accepting in the first place. And, I'm not sure how I could transition without some monetary help. I do have some money, but I don't have a job, so it'd run out before long at all if I had to pay for stuff like therapy, hormones, and hair removal on my own.

I don't have my own bedroom, so this next idea would still require that I tell my family about my feelings. Maybe I could tell my family about my feelings & be able to be myself at home, though only through crossdressing at home? As in, stuck being a guy anytime I go out & somehow (not sure how) giving up the idea of transitioning. I don't even know how my family would react to just that though. They might harass or tease me daily, for all I know.  Or not. Who knows? I just know I'm so scared and confused. And it's not like I can try again if I go about it the wrong way. What has been said cannot be unsaid....

...Anyway, if I don't transition, I easily don't have to tell lots of people about my gender issues... but it comes at the cost of just never being my true self outside the home. That's a fairly big cost. Unless instead.... I tell my close family about me, then take a waiting period while I ponder further transition (before I tell other family and such). Blah....

Honestly, I still have  a few doubts about transition too, but I think it's all because this seems so near impossible. There's not too much I like about being a guy at all. It's just that I start to think about how hard transition would be, and how people (family & otherwise) might react... and it just makes me want to forget all this out of frustration and fear. It makes me think, sort of, that being a guy isn't all that bad. It just doesn't quite work like that though. I still end up finding myself depressed about being male soon enough.

Sometimes I worry transition would be useless. I worry that I wouldn't be passable enough. My body might be too physically male for it to be effective. (for one thing, my damn adam's apple is waaaay too noticeable!) I'd look like a fake or something. I'd be completely afraid to go anywhere. I wouldn't ever want to leave the house. Anyway, fortunately, other times, I think I could be a fairly pretty girl.

Hormones.... how safe are they, really? I don't want to suddenly die of a blood clot. I don't want anything bad like that to happen. Do they have any affect on lifespan? Would I live the same amount of time as if I were to not transition? Would I live longer, maybe? That might be nice. Or would I die sooner? x_X

I would want SRS someday. I hate my male parts! Yet, in a way, I would not want SRS... because I am soooo scared too! (I wish I could just go into suspended animation or something until the whole thing is done and healed and stuff!  Grrr.... I wish I was in the future, if things like that become possible someday. Yep, I am a bit of a futurist) I don't like the thought of having surgery of any sort! There are other health concerns I have too. Also, I'd be stuck paying for the whole freakin' thing!  I don't know that I'd ever be able to afford it.

Health concerns, money problems, rejection, incompleteness, and tons of other worries... x_x I feel like I'm just going through the same concerns over and over again. The only solution is to finally try something & see what happens. I'm just so scared it won't go well, that I'll do something wrong, and that I just don't know how to deal with the consequences if that's how it goes.

I don't know how I'll ever have any friends. I don't know how I'll ever have a partner. (It can be hard enough for a non-trans person to find a girlfriend or boyfriend.) I am very, very socially anxious & shy in the first place. Whether I transition or not, I'll still have this  same worry. It was a problem even before I considered the idea of transitioning. I had friends before, but I lost touch with them within a year out of high school. None of them knew about my transgenderness. I did know I was transgender, but I didn't even consider the idea of actual transition at the time. I just liked crossdressing and pretending. I never thought they would accept it. But now I'll never know for sure anyway.

Also, um... here's a link to my intro topic. I said a lot of other stuff there...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,94720.0.html

Sometimes I don't know why I want to live. It's amazing that I'm not highly suicidal. I've never even attempted suicide. The thought has been on my mind before, but not the intent. I suppose I'm afraid of death just a bit more than I hate my life.... and I guess that's a good thing. And there's some good stuff in life, even if life does almost completely suck in general.

I can't keep delaying. I don't know how I've done it so far. I still just... I just don't know what to say though. I don't know how I'll stay calm. I don't know what to expect. I have to do this, but it STILL feels impossible. WHAT do I tell my family? HOW do I tell them?  x_x

I could probably make this already-too-long post even longer, but I'll stop here for now. I hope the length doesn't stop too many people from reading it...

You seem to have a number of significant adults in your life.

Is there one you could talk this over with?

Yeah, I know you know this but, you need to go out on your own.  College, work, anything that will allow you to be more open about yourself.

I know you know all of this, but you need to ether tell someone or move.  It sounds like you can be yourself where you are at.

Quote from: spacial on April 16, 2011, 10:12:40 AM
You seem to have a number of significant adults in your life.

Is there one you could talk this over with?

My mom.... MAYBE. She would actually be kinda angry if I told anyone else a secret like this before her. I'm just not sure. That's the problem. She can be a bit of a wild card. I know she supports gay rights though. I'm not exactly gay, but I'm not exactly straight either. Anyway, I don't want to cut my family out of my life , so the bottom line is that some of them are going to have to know about this sooner rather than later. (I may eventually have to cut out some extended family from my life if they can't accept it, but I wouldn't want to do that really... I dunno) I might be able to hold off on telling my dad for a bit (really worried about what he'll think. We're close, but he's slightly homophobic... so I don't know how he'd feel about transgenderness.)

Quote from: Janet Lynn on April 16, 2011, 10:40:33 AM
Yeah, I know you know this but, you need to go out on your own.  College, work, anything that will allow you to be more open about yourself.

I know you know all of this, but you need to ether tell someone or move.  It sounds like you can be yourself where you are at.

Yeah, I have to tell someone. I can't move out at this point in time. I can't afford it and I just don't feel up to it. I don't even want to live alone. I don't have the skills to do it properly (can't cook and such). There are no jobs around here anyway. If by some luck I found one, it probably wouldn't pay well enough.  Also, I sort of have a "job" that I don't get paid for anyway. I'm often helping my grandparents around the house or doing chores they can't do anymore. Anyway, I'd feel very much  more uncomfortable trying to crossdress or transition publicly without friends or family to support me. I need support before I can head into the unknown, but it still requires heading into unknown territory with my family. I mean, just look at all the worries I have.... I can't handle all that alone.