Job I need but don't want

[Tamaki]

With the down turn in the economy I've been out of work for a while. I haven't been finding much but I've applied for everything I can think of.

I saw an opening for a city job in a field that I want to get out of but I'm qualified for. There are many reasons why I want to leave this field. I've faced a lot of discrimination in this field before and I really want to pursue my dream job but I think this job will get me something more important. It would get me of good wage, good benefits, steady work, a workplace with a gender non-discrimination policy and could possibly pay for SRS in the future. I guess I want to transition way more than I don't want to do this kind of work. I do realize how lucky I would be if I got this job. I guess what I'm afraid of is going back into that male role. Maybe I'll just have to play the part for now.

When I was a kid my Dad told me that sometimes for have to do things you don't want to do. I agree except that what he meant was that you have to sacrifice who you are in the process. I saw him do this growing up and in his later years he regretted and told me that life is short and do what you love. So this is just doing what I don't want to so I can be my true self.

I just finished with a second round of testing and I'll find out in a couple of weeks where I stand. The odds are really good, about 1 in 10 so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Even if I don't get hired immediately there is a good chance more positions will open up.

Sorry is this just rambling nonsense, I just needed to put this out there since things are getting scary for me.

Please think good thoughts for me.

[Randi]

Hi Hannah,

That would be a difficult choice. I can get similar jobs but deplore the mentality of most participants in my field-not to mention that I hate getting dirty.
I go to work as a man and around my family I live as one too but the longing to be full time dressed as a woman never goes away. To go ahead and move toward going full time is the deepest desire of my heart. 
I have already been told (off the record) that I could not transition where I work (although they too have a gender non-discrimination clause in our handbook)-I won't know until I try-Undoubtedly there would be some at the top who would not like it. So I go to work as male and protect my job. My insurance has a denial clause for any transexual treatments. Then there is the effect this would have on my family and I just need to survive one more day-so what is it I need to survive? Work.

If it were me in your shoes I must say that I would get ready for a job interview. Any job beats no job-been there done that & I am not anxious to go there again. Nor am I anxious to live out the rest of my life as a man! My motto is 'small steps made one at the time'. 

Randi

[Tamaki]

The choice is made for me if I want to keep what's left of my unemployment. If they give me a job offer I have to take it and you're right it's way better than no job.

I really feel for you situation, it's really tough to weigh your best interest with your families especially when they conflict. When looking for work I'm always in guy mode but at home I'm slowly becoming more and more girly. Keep moving forward, the time will come for you.

The thing about getting dirty is the more I drop the male facade the more I don't like it.