How hard was transition to full-time?

[Susan Kay]

That depends. How hard do you want it to be? How hard do you plan on it being?

Such tentative steps: Hormones in March last year. Going out dressed for the first time in public ever in April, to therapy and group, then out in real public. Going fulltime one day at a time, until I figured that was dumb and went full fulltime. Years of anticipation, dread, fear, trepidation, and yes shame to appear in public in women's clothes. Fully expecting total disaster, with finger-pointing, scorn, ridicule, banishment and general embarrasment.

Not once did I receive any of that. I Got blessed indifference, being ignored, obvious undetection, coupled with politeness, respect and acceptance. Along with those, I got self-satisfaction, a sense of complete belonging, even joy in living life correctly for the first time.

I fit in.

There are many reasons to not transition. The only regret is choosing to not do so out of fear.

It is much, much, much warmer, safe and comfortable as myself then as a male impersonator. Do not put it off any longer then circumstances actually compel you to. If you are waiting on yourself, you're holding up progress.

Susan Kay

[Lacey Lynne]

Thanks, girl!

This is what I way needed to hear.

Really.

   Lacey

[bethw]

Thanks Susan. Those are heavy words of wisdom.
Hugs
Beth

[Northern Jane]

It was the easiest thing I ever did! It was like just "letting go" and being myself. It was scary because I didn't know what I was going to be getting into and it cost me EVERYTHING - I was disowned, thrown out of my home, lost my childhood friends and everything else familiar. But having stepped off the cliff, everything just fell into place naturally and life was wonderful.

[Colleen Ireland]

I go full-time on Monday.  Actually, I've been full-time already these past two weeks - I took a 2-week vacation from work, during which time management informed the other employees I'd be coming back as Colleen, and hired an external diversity consultant to do workshops.  I had an email from her yesterday, and she said:

...there are many people looking forward to saying hi when you return. You may just have to re-introduce yourself to a few people though as several of your lady friends were concerned that they might not recognize you when you came back all lovely and such and they hated the idea of offending you. They're sweeties

So I'm WAY looking forward to going back on Monday.  I spent most of this week in North Carolina visiting my parents, who are now accepting me completely.  I was able to spend about half my time there in girl-mode, and the world didn't end.  They still love me and support me.  In fact, I have not lost anyone or anything due to transition.  From all indications, life will go on much as before (minus being married), but better.  Yes, my wife and I separated, but there's no acrimony.  She's still having trouble with the concept of meeting ME, but I do think one of these days she'll be okay with it.

In short, 100% agreement with Susan.  My experience has been wonderful so far.

[Princess Rachel]

I've been out for almost a year now and I don't regret it for a second, it was hard at first, so much to remember to do, it does take longer on a morning for me to get ready now but a lady likes to look her best after all but its all a routine now so its easier to manage and I honestly can't imagine not putting my make up on on a morning before going out, I don't overdo things but it is nice to look and feel as feminine on the outside as I am on the inside

[Karynm8621]

I think at the time I thought it was darn near impossible and with each akward new step came fear and insecurities that made me think it was hard. Looking back on it, it was very easy and the most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life.

[Karynm8621]

Well said, Karyn. Some of us have the benefit of hindsight. It's interesting that from this perspective, many of the hardships were from our own fears.

This is one of the ways post transition people can be of help and service. Showing that it was done, a human did it. And if they could, so can you. Great thread

Yeah I remember all the anxieties of coming out, first hairstyle appointment,gong to court for my name change etc and as scary as each step was, looking back on it I made more out of it than I needed too.

I know people have all different experiences in transition and a lot of people have a lot of negative ones. I really was taught to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. But the worst never really came and it really changed my view of people. I was a very pessimistic negative person before. I hated people because I felt that I was only as good as what I could provide to them

I gained so much love from people in my transtion I realized that most people are inherently good and only want you to be happy in life. It totally changed my perspective of not only life but of people in general and as a result I became a much more positive person

[JungianZoe]

My experience was much like Colleen's, thankfully!  I didn't lose any family members that I cared about, none of my friends, and I even gained two new best friends (one was previously a casual acquaintance, the other a girlfriend of my oldest friend).

Work was easy, but I work in a university office that goes through twice-yearly diversity training.  Before going full time, I had to resist the urge to scream out that I knew more about being transsexual than the presenter (who was gay, but sometimes misinformed on trans issues).  As peer tutors, we're not held to any dress code beyond how any student would show up for classes, so I started going to work two years ago wearing eyeliner and beginning to grow my hair out.  Nobody questioned it, but assumed I was emo.  Then I started wearing foundation and powder.  Next was eyeshadow.  Then girl-cut shirts and painted nails.  Finally, lipstick.

That's when I decided to tell my boss I was trans.    In the two years I was changing my appearance, nobody even asked why.  Some of my students (and my coworkers) simply compared me to AFI's Davey Havok and left it at that.

So I marched into my boss' office, told her the story, and said I now considered myself full time.  She smiled, told me congratulations, and asked if I wanted everyone else to know.  I said yes, but that I wanted to make an announcement personally at the meeting that coming Friday.  Before the meeting, she asked if I was sure I wanted to go through with it and I enthusiastically confirmed my readiness.  My coworkers actually applauded (talk about embarrassing!) and immediately embraced me as Zoe.  I told them I was way beyond the point of shyness so don't hesitate to ask me any questions, no matter how personal they may think it is.  Lots of them took me up on the offer and the experience has been great!  We've had a lot of laughs together.

So basically, transition to full time has, in my life, been a totally fluid process.  The first day I wore a skirt in public (to work, two days before breaking the news to my coworkers) was my only real "big day."  Well, that and the day I walked solo into Victoria's Secret and got up the nerve to buy a bra. 

[Rock_chick]

I did things the same way as Zoe, except over about 5 months. It was one of the least stressful parts of the whole process really.

[Colleen Ireland]

In another email I got from the diversity consultant who did the workshops where I work (she sent this the day after the workshops), she said:

I just wanted to send you a quick note to tell you that the training at work went really well the past two days and you have a lot of people who would like to wish you the best as you move forward.

As I spoke to everyone over the past two days, (115 in total!) I realized very quickly how close everyone was and that you have many people who care and support you. That's truly a rare thing and I think a testament to the kind of people you and your friends/co-workers are. In short, everything will be fine at work and maybe it's time to say "yes" to some of those lunch invitations.

I've also been encouraged by several people to write about my experiences, to show others that it really can be a positive thing.  There is WAY too much doom-and-gloom written about this.  And I very much agree with Valerie - we trump things up in our minds WAY too much most of the time.

[Karynm8621]

In another email I got from the diversity consultant who did the workshops where I work (she sent this the day after the workshops), she said:
I've also been encouraged by several people to write about my experiences, to show others that it really can be a positive thing.  There is WAY too much doom-and-gloom written about this.  And I very much agree with Valerie - we trump things up in our minds WAY too much most of the time.

This is pretty much how it went for me. I've been encouraged to write a book. My friend Annah wrote one and thinks I should because I have a comical way about my transition. I've not dealt with all the crazy negatives that a lot of people do ...

[vanna]

just to say the same really

seemed impossible in my mind before, when i went full time, it was way too easy, no one even 2nd looked me

i done harder things in life, fear really is your greatest enemy

[Sarah B]

It was one of the easiest things I have ever done, even to this day I cannot believe how easy and fast it was for me.  Had my ears pierced three days before I arrived in a big city where I was going to spend the next fifteen years of my life (too long) and the very next day I got my name legally changed (early February) cost me a total of $57 dollars.

Thirteen days later I saw my GP and I was given my first prescription and had my first injection of hormones.  Got the prescription filled out which was next door and took my first hormone tablet.

First appointment with my first psychiatrist was 2 months later (late April) and one month later I was working full time.  Finally and just under two years from the day I arrived in the big city, I had my surgery.

Hesitation on my part absolutely none.
Regrets on my part absolutely none.
Living in peace, happiness and contentment as me, 22 years and counting. (I was happy before but not as happy as I am now)

Kind regards
Sarah B

[Susan Kay]

Wonderful and mostly positive experiences related here. To offer a cautionary note, as is often said, Your Mileage May Vary. My related experience was concernig my journey into life. The close relationships almost always will be the major source of conflict. No one should believe there are not bumps, even massive ones on this road. I have a few inlaws and a bunch of acquaintances that figuratively cross to the other side of the street when they see me coming. But the best response I got was from a former work colleague: "Real friends care only about you!" I think that says it all. Without that, I would probably excessed over the others. Now I just am disappointed in them, not resentful.

Some will - some won't - so what!

Susan Kay

[JungianZoe]

Wonderful and mostly positive experiences related here. To offer a cautionary note, as is often said, Your Mileage May Vary. My related experience was concernig my journey into life. The close relationships almost always will be the major source of conflict. No one should believe there are not bumps, even massive ones on this road. I have a few inlaws and a bunch of acquaintances that figuratively cross to the other side of the street when they see me coming. But the best response I got was from a former work colleague: "Real friends care only about you!" I think that says it all. Without that, I would probably excessed over the others. Now I just am disappointed in them, not resentful.

Some will - some won't - so what!

Susan Kay

Very well put!  This is exactly why I came out to those I knew would give me unconditional support before moving to the harder-to-tell folks.  It all went so smoothly that I went from easiest to hardest (and then went full time) within 10 days.

That said, I haven't told my dad and stepmom yet because I know what fireworks are coming; but the years of childhood abuse (physical, verbal, and emotional), their attitude toward me since my divorce, their irrational beliefs about society, their gross mistreatment of my schizophrenic sister, and their disgusting racist and sexist language have left me with a distinct taste of uncaring.  I spent my entire life forgiving them, then apologizing to them for the inconvenience I caused when they had to put me in my place.  No more... so when they chase me out of their house in a few weeks (I'm going to show up as my true self without a word beforehand), I'll go with my head held high, knowing that their negativity and poisoned worldview are no longer a part of my life.  I've spent years (and am still working on) excising their voices from my head, the ones that tell me I'm worthless, will never become anything, and deserve every misfortune the world can heap on me.  The end of that relationship will be one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I guess that's a case of Your Mileage Is What You Make It. 


ETA: This is also related to the fact that I'm full time now and won't go back to my old life for anything, especially not for those who never respected me.  That I'm ending the relationship as my true self and not the fake one is my little way of affirming the power I left untapped for too long... that kick-butt feminine energy once buried under the guise of the boy who nearly killed me.  It may be my most important full-time experience ever.

[Lacey Lynne]

It was the easiest thing I ever did! It was like just "letting go" and being myself. It was scary because I didn't know what I was going to be getting into and it cost me EVERYTHING - I was disowned, thrown out of my home, lost my childhood friends and everything else familiar. But having stepped off the cliff, everything just fell into place naturally and life was wonderful.

Dang, Girl!  Wish I had half of your courage!  I've followed your posts with great interest and know your story pretty well, I believe.  Like, wow ... just ... wow!   THAT is inspiring.

Because I'm only now just starting beard removal, I'm still totally freaked out about potential hassles ... who need's 'em?  Anyway, thanks!  Great reply, for sure.

   Lacey

[Lacey Lynne]

This is pretty much how it went for me. I've been encouraged to write a book. My friend Annah wrote one and thinks I should because I have a comical way about my transition. I've not dealt with all the crazy negatives that a lot of people do ...

Karyn:

Your friend, Annah?  Like, are we talking Annah Moore ... kicking guitarist?  DANG!  Like, that's one of my two favorite transbooks!  I think she majorly rocks ... figuratively and literally!  Hope we're talking about the same person.  If not, then ignore me.  If so, then, like, wow!  Tell her I think she's awesome and inspires me bigtime.   

   Lacey

[Karynm8621]

Dang, Girl!  Wish I had half of your courage!  I've followed your posts with great interest and know your story pretty well, I believe.  Like, wow ... just ... wow!   THAT is inspiring.

Because I'm only now just starting beard removal, I'm still totally freaked out about potential hassles ... who need's 'em?  Anyway, thanks!  Great reply, for sure.

   Lacey

You will get there and you'll feel the same way. There's a lot of fear and anxiety that can present itself with this but most of it we create ourselves.you are just as brave as any of us, you just haven't been able to look backwards to see it yet

[Karynm8621]

Karyn:

Your friend, Annah?  Like, are we talking Annah Moore ... kicking guitarist?  DANG!  Like, that's one of my two favorite transbooks!  I think she majorly rocks ... figuratively and literally!  Hope we're talking about the same person.  If not, then ignore me.  If so, then, like, wow!  Tell her I think she's awesome and inspires me bigtime.   

   Lacey

Yes Annah Moore is one of my dearest friends. We are both metal guitarists, that how we knew each other. I ran a prominent guitar website and she was a member. We became friends before I transitioned and she helped me through my transition. We remain very close to this day. We used to have our blogs linked at one time until she took hers down. Mine was "walking in new shoes"