Let's facebook the music and dance

[Padma]

Yep, I've just come out on facebook, to around 250 people, almost all of whom are actual friends, or becoming so.

It's been building up for the last couple of days, I just wasn't sure what or how much I wanted to say. And you don't get a lot of words to play with, so I had to be concise, which was good. I wrote this:

(deep breath) Okay, well, I want to let you lot know something: I'm at the beginning of a long and careful/caring journey of gender transition that I've been fending off pretty much all my life.

You can expect slow but definite changes, but you can also expect me simply to be more and more myself. Do not expect twinsets & pearls - Tank Girl is my fashion guru.

Happy Eostre (hey, resurrections are *fun*!)

I wonder what responses I'll get? 🙂 I was mainly unsure about what I wanted to do about gender flags and all that, but I decided I'll just change things as and when I feel ready, and let people know at the time - meanwhile, I'm tired of not being me out loud, so here we go.

[JungianZoe]

Congratulations!!!   That's such a huge step when it's to such a wide audience.

I hope that your experience was as good as mine.  Almost everybody was supportive, nobody dropped me, and a few of my quieter friends-listers popped out of the woodwork to write me some beautiful words of encouragement.

Only got one strange response which my oldest friend interpreted as a girl who may have harbored a secret crush on me (a former coworker of mine).  The message said that I was such a handsome guy that she couldn't understand why I'd want to change so drastically.    I explained the situation.  She hasn't got back to me yet.

In total, I have exactly 100 friends on Facebook and got about 60 responses/messages/texts.  Can't imagine what you're going to be swamped with, but I really hope that it's all loving and encouragement for the amazing journey you're undertaking!

[Padma]

Well, it's early on a holiday Sunday morning here, so I'm not expecting people to be up and facebooking over croissants for another couple of hours yet (most of my fb friends are in Europe) but the couple of responses I've had so far have been very positive.

I've just been remembering something I heard on a retreat years and years ago that stuck with me: communication is the enemy of fear. There's something deeply right about saying what's really happening, and it give others permission to do so too. What I'm most curious about (after coming out on fb and to my Buddhist order) is to see whether anyone comes out of the woodwork to tell me they have the same thing on their mind .

[N.Chaos]

Congrats, that takes a lot of guts. I've been trying to work up the balls to do the same thing but eh....I know too many people-mainly in my family-who talk too damn much, and I'm still not out to my dad.

You're part of a Buddhist order? That's...entirely awesome.

[Padma]

I just suddenly realised I don't care who knows (well, okay, I care a little bit, I'm still careful). But after nearly 50 years of hiding from it myself, it just seems such a waste of energy. I won't be telling my dad, but then we've been out of communication for 6 years anyway.

I am part of a Buddhist order (though I'm no monk/nun ) - I don't talk about it here too much now because it seems too easy to get into "brand wars" with other Buddhists, and that's boring for all concerned.

PS I like "Fear is the mother of morality" - it reminds me of "Morality is ethics for the lazy."

[Michael Joseph]

that is a huge step, congratulations 🙂

[Cindy]

I think there is a point that you think about telling people but you have fear* , then you tell a few close friends, and that's cool. Then you tell more and suddenly you stop people in the street . I'm getting interviewed by the Australian Bureau of Statistics as a random sample (this is about the fifth time so I think I'll change my name the Ms R.Sample ), when I found to arrange a time the woman asked for my name and I said Cindy, she replied Sydney?. No Cindy. I'm a woman with a deep voice

*after going through this step I'm at a bit of a loss to remember what the fear was. It certainly doesn't exist anymore and it seems to evaporated without leaving a trace. Have others found this?

Cindy

[Rock_chick]

i just love the fact taht tank girl is you fashion guru

[Padma]

Yeah, me too - I just want to dress like her, not smell like her tho' - well, not all the time .

[Padma]

Then you tell more and suddenly you stop people in the street .

It's getting a bit like that - I feel like there's a really big value in treating it as if it's so normal there's no need not to tell people, and then they feel like it's not the big deal they might think it is if I made a big production out of it. I mean, I'm not going to walk into a random pub and announce it over the tannoy, but in one-to-one conversation, if it seems relevant I'll mention it without batting an eyelid now (unless batting an eyelid has the desired effect on whoever I'm talking to ).

I've kind of already gone through this fire deciding a few years ago that I'd tell people I'd been abused if it seemed relevant, once it no longer upset me to do so. The outcome of doing that has been that around half a dozen men have been able to tell someone about their own abuse for the first time ever, and I've been honoured to be that someone. Being honest in the right way opens doors for everyone. Reading people's stories here has enabled me to wake up to myself. Roll it out...

[amybenedict]

Hi Padma

Major congrats on the leap into FB. It took real gumption to do that, and I hope that you get nothing but goodwill, support, and at worst ambivalence!

I am considering it myself at the moment to bring those not in my 'inner circle' up to speed. Like you said, I am so tired of not being me 'out loud' (I really like that expression!). I have been slowly telling close friends etc, all of which has been positive so far, and I have been quietly 'unfriending' a few people from FB who, to be honest shouldn't have been on my friends list anyway, and not that i care what they think, but I don't want to give them the satisfaction of sitting in the same pub we used to frequent 20 years ago, and having an entirely predictable "you'll never guess wot I 'erd" conversation with other similarly minded (or mindless) individuals who I left behind a long time ago...

I also saw your post about hair transplants (sorry for going off topic), but there are a few UK clinics that offer the individual strand transplant (3G FUE) rather than the outdated strip techinique. It isn't cheap (is any of this???) but the results look great.

Amy.x

[Padma]

Thanks, Amy - I guessed you were a fellow Brit because of "you'll never guess wot I 'erd" .

So far, everyone's being very positive about it - my coming out on fb, not my being a Brit... as for the hair transplants, I'm going to wait and see what happens once I get onto finasteride, but I suspect I'm going to be very tempted to get hair transplants - it's really starting to bug me having such a high hairline. Better start saving up now.

[amybenedict]

So is Finasteride the preferred anti androgen in the UK? I know they don't really prescribe Spiro here...

I am going to wait until I have started on HRT to see what happens naturally before getting anything too radical (and expensive) done... My hairline has gone back at the temples a little too far for a female, so I think that a transplant is inevitable. Although I will probably have to sell a kidney to pay for it...!

A.

[Padma]

Finasteride is what the psychiatrist said he would be recommending alongside oestrogen, come the day.

[N.Chaos]

I just suddenly realised I don't care who knows (well, okay, I care a little bit, I'm still careful). But after nearly 50 years of hiding from it myself, it just seems such a waste of energy. I won't be telling my dad, but then we've been out of communication for 6 years anyway.

I am part of a Buddhist order (though I'm no monk/nun ) - I don't talk about it here too much now because it seems too easy to get into "brand wars" with other Buddhists, and that's boring for all concerned.

PS I like "Fear is the mother of morality" - it reminds me of "Morality is ethics for the lazy."

I love it too, I love me some Nietzsche. I like the one you posted too, what's that from?

[Padma]

I love it too, I love me some Nietzsche. I like the one you posted too, what's that from?

Someone said it in a talk I heard years ago, and it stuck in my mind. I don't know where it's originally from.

[N.Chaos]

Gotcha. It is a good one, I'm always looking for witty commentary on morality and whatnot.