Extremely depressed & dysphoric (rant/vent)

[sascraps]

I'm feeling extremely depressed today, which hasn't happened in a while. I've been happier than ever the last month or so, overall, since I've been going around presenting myself as a man and being accepted int he world as a man. I like that because when people think I'm a man, they go on about their business and don't give me the nasty stares and looks of complete hatred and contempt that people do who see that I'm a fat woman who looks and dresses like a guy.

I guess it's finally hit me hard that every 'friend" I thought I had in the past few years turned on me and admitted they only had me around as a big joke to make fun of how ugly I am and how I look like a guy, and to make fun of me on the internet behind my back. You know, I live about a 3 hour drive from Baltimore where that transwoman got attacked at the McDonald's recently and it just makes me sick! I hate this whole area! I wish I'd have never come back to the east coast! Bunch of intolerant, poo-flinging monkey neanderthals out here! God I want so much to move to the west coast where there's tolerance!!! 

So anyway, when I got up and was in the shower, I wondered if I should shave my legs and try to be a girl again for everyone else? Even though I know that has always failed me, because everyone's always said that I have the face of a boy, so I know I could never be pretty enough to be accepted in the world. People would still hate me and lash out at me for being an ugly woman. I just feel so inadequate and worthless.  I wish I would've just been born with a penis since everything else about me is apparently male. Then I wouldn't have to live this life of suffering. And I realize now that even though I spent most of my life not really knowing anything about trans-people or issues, but I think I've always been a victim of bigotry and hatred from all the transphobic & homophobic human wastes in my area.

And to make it all that much worse, I get online to see yet another hateful & degrading status update from my so-called boyfriend about how long hair & hot women get him so hard. Yeah just ->-bleeped-<-ing rub it in how ->-bleeped-<-ing ugly and worthless I am! 

[tekla]

God I want so much to move to the west coast where there's tolerance!!!

It's here, but its in patches.  People in Cali joke about how there is LA and SF with Oklahoma in between.  Portland and Eugene  are pretty open, other parts of Oregon, not so much.

[sascraps]

I'll have to ask my friend in Sacramento about that. She said it's pretty open in her area and she said there's a female UPS driver who is identical to me in every way. So there has to be less hate out there if my doppelganger can lead a normal life.

[tekla]

Yeah, Sac is pretty open, it's almost part of the Bay Area, and it's a lot cheaper than LA (though it's still Cali and expensive compared to other places in the country) - I'm not thrilled with the climate (weather, not social) there and the cut-backs in the state budgets have really hit it hard as it's the capital and all.

[Sharky]

Do you truly feel like a man? Or do you think you can't live a normal life because you don't make an attractive woman?

[Nero]

And to make it all that much worse, I get online to see yet another hateful & degrading status update from my so-called boyfriend about how long hair & hot women get him so hard.

How passive aggressive of him.

[spacial]

How passive aggressive of him.

I was thinking how completely inadequate if him.

sascraps, I know this sounds so cleched and you've probably heard it before, but you've managed to get yourself surrounded by a whole lot of inadequates.

A move might be just what you need. Some might go on about running away, but that's a load of hoey. Make your plans, and do it.

[sascraps]

Oh, I do feel like I'm a guy through and through. There's nothing girly or feminine about me at all and there never has been.

Oh, and now he's posting more ->-bleeped-<- on his facebook saying "my girlfriend hates me" so some blonde bimbo commented back to comfort him. So I said fine there looks like you got your hot blonde, so sorry I'm not good enough! Shouldn't have dated a tomboy then!