Today I started out in a good mood (I have been lately ever since I contacted my old therapist a couple days ago and she said that she'd help me out, long distance sessions via webcam, and letter to an endo to get back on hormones again), was at work, everything was fine, until shortly after I helped a guy out with loading up his truck with these huge bags of mulch. He came in, payed for 12 bags, then asked if he could get some help outside, stupid me volunteers. Now this was a very physically able man, the lazy ass could've done it himself, though he probably didn't expect me to help him, that I would call one of our stock guys to do it (I didn't have nothing to do at the moment so said why not), but either he just didn't care, or he didn't reverse it by denying my help because he didn't want to offend me, being a woman and all. So I went out there with him, his pickup truck was parked right beside the mulch, we loaded them up together, he thanked me, I went back inside to my register.
So what was so wrong about that. Well it set off some emotions regarding all of the hard physical work that I have been doing lately, as well as how I've thought of myself since being off of hormones, like I was turning back into a man, and the more I thought about it the more I realized what I've been doing to myself. Here I'm waiting to get back on hormones again so that I'll start feeling and looking more feminine as I once was, yet I've been busting my butt in our yard and all kinds of other stuff, heavy kind of work that builds muscles, the kind of thing I don't want, and I was looking at my arms, how there is very little fat on them anymore, how defined they looked, bulging veins and whatnot, and felt how hard the muscles were, to me, they don't look like women's arms anymore, unless I were the type of woman that works out a lot which I don't want to look like, not what I want, too masculine looking, plus I've also noticed that they feel stronger, too strong even in the way they move, I was starting to get upset. Later when I took my break, at one point I just started crying, had to stop that real quick before I made it so I was unable to stop, save that for later, gotta go back to work, even still I was depressed and had a headache the rest of the evening.
My mom got off of work at her job before me, she came by and waited around til I got off (we live rather far from town, so transportation as well as gas are an issue, the less trips the better), and when we left, on the drive home I was telling her about it and I burst out crying big time (was hyperventilating I was so upset, face, hands and feet started tingling and going numb). I was telling her why, and that I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, what am I doing to myself. She told me its only because I want so bad to feel like I'm accomplishing something, and working in the yard is giving me something to do. But my body aches, my arms and shoulders are sore, my ribs hurt, yet I continue to do more and my arms are hard as rocks right now, and this little thing was upsetting me so much. But it really wasn't just that, it was everything, that just happened to be the thing that triggered this emotional release.
Then I was telling her about how I feel so distant from everyone, including her, she knows how I get, usually its when I don't want to talk much, I'm also short on patience with her, snap at her a lot or being sarcastic, she understands what I'm going through (since we've been there together before), she told me she doesn't take it to heart, she loves me, she knows that I'm just going through a tough time, and that she wishes that she could do more for me, but she'll always be my support. I told her that it still upsets me, I know I'm doing it, but have a hard time stopping myself from acting like jerk. I told her, I really need to be on the hormones right now, being like this is eating me up, I may seem like I'm holding it together lately, but for how much longer. And she told me that I'll get there, that I'm very strong, that I'm doing a good job hanging in there up to this point, at least I took some steps to get back on the right path again by contacting my old therapist as well as talking about my issues on this site, and of coarse she'll always be there for me, just as I have been for her.
Anyway, once I got it all out, and we got home, I was feeling quite a bit better, just been holding stuff in for too long at a time, which is how I used to be many years ago prior to hormones, and now being off of them is bringing out the ugly in me. Last year I was a mess, very self destructive (tying my testicles up for over 40 minutes until I just couldn't handle the pain anymore, punching a wall and either fracturing or breaking part of my knuckles, don't know, never went to a doctor for it, as well as being quite violent verbally just in anger over anything), this year I have held it together rather well, so far, but every once in a while I break down, like I did today, and its always simple little things, would make someone else wonder, what, crying over that, what's the big deal.
But unlike the past couple years when I was out of a job, when I wasn't doing anything to fix myself up or feel good about myself, but this year I bought some new bras which made me really happy (also had realized I was wearing the wrong size for many years, so big plus there being as they are more comfortable now) some dresses for myself a month or so ago (and thankfully I still look good enough in them), then the other day I bought some sexy underwear that I had been looking at for some time as well as some fingernail polish (I hadn't polished my nails in years, ever since I had vertigo a few years ago, had all kinds of chemical sensitivity due to that, so avoided many things, including polishing my nails) to make my hands look prettier (my hands because I've been doing so much physical work got dried up blisters all over them, and they're looking rather old as well), that gave me a tad bit of happiness which was needed, even though looking at my hands make me think of men's hands with Party Pink colored nails, but at least I got positive comments on them from a few coworkers. Still regardless of these few little things to get me in a better mood, they are only temporary fixes.
Just needed to share my breakdown with everyone. Currently okay again, typing this up, playing with my dog, so I got it all out, needed to, glad I did. But I so much want to fast-forward to a better time, when I'm happy again with myself, then I can look back on this all like it was just some nightmare. Frickin' sucks, all the waiting, all the channels you have to go through, it shouldn't be so difficult, I hate it.
