I'm on hormones for 8 months and I'm starting to realise that I'm more passable than I thought I was. Especially during the past 3 months I noticed a huge improvement. It's not perfect (yet?), but much better than it was. When I interact with strangers now I feel completely myself. It's the best feeling ever.
With most of my family and friends though it's a different story.. The further I transition, the more disconnected I feel from them. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I'm tired of having to explain myself and not being understood anyway. It's like they can't keep up with my inner and outer developments. They can't adapt. I am myself with them because I refuse to be anyone else, but it all just feels weird. When they speak to me I feel like they speak to the guy that I was, but I don't respond to them like the guy that I was. The guy is gone.. I think I've changed quite a bit, more than they expected. Explaining to them what I go through and what's on my mind is pretty much useless, because they simply can't understand they way I think. They don't notice at all that strangers see and treat me as woman. I don't think they even believe that they see me as woman. It makes communicaton really hard.
Looking back at the past two years I feel very much let down by everyone around me (except by my mother and one friend). They simply just let me struggle. I only realise that now that I don't struggle that much anymore. I'm mostly dissapointed in my father and my sister. We are still in touch yes, but I sometimes ask myself why. My sister did not once offer me to go shopping with her, for example. I don't need her to go shopping with me anymore but there were defenately times when I could have used her help and support. I wouldn't go shopping with her now if she begged me. My parents more or less kept me away from the rest of the family for 3 years, because they were too embarassed I guess. They made up every possible excuse to skip birthdays and parties. Not having seen my family for 3 years I don't know how to face them ever again. I don't think I want to. They would be speaking to a ghost.
Having said all that; I am seriously considering to move away to another city and to start a new life. The time isn't right yet, but I think I will eventually be able to do it, in terms of passing. Even if I don't pass I would still want to move and start over. Even if new people don't see me as natural female, at least they see me for what I am now. It makes a huge difference in how people treat you, I think. My friends all expected that I would be this proud and open transsexual, but that's not going to happen. They still out me to people and they can't understand that I hate it. My friend is throwing a dinner party for all her colleagues next month and she invited me too. I was pleased with the invitation, until I found out that she has told all her colleagues that I am trans.. My point is, if I stay here, stuff like this will never end. It has to end.
I was so happy with the acceptance by everyone after my coming out, but I didn't realise then that the tricky part still had to come.
My question is: does it happen often that transsexuals feel disconnected from family and friends and that they want/need to start a 'new' life? I'm just wondering if it's me or if it's pretty common.