Why? Just blabbing really.

[Wolf Man]

I have these name change papers sitting on my desk. I've had them for over two months now since I found them and went over the process I would have to do here in my city. Why haven't I filled them out? Why do I keep putting them off? Why?

I talked to my therapist about it and I mentioned that I feel as though I should let my parents know first, but at the same time I want to get it over with. I want people to always use my name rather than jeopardise things at work where everyone knows me as male, but where my ID card shows my legal name. Or at school where I have to keep telling the professors every semester what's up. I'm also just nervous about filling the papers out to begin with. It's such a formal thing and I panic about it.

I think I'm ready for this life and then I think of how I haven't told my parents. It's essential that I tell them in my head, but at the same time I wish I could just continue on with my life. I don't live at home anymore. I have a job, I go to college, I have my own place with my SO, a roommate who's just like me and I'm living my life as male. I honestly have it good. Ever since I moved out I haven't been all that close with my parents. I never was when I lived there either. I talk to my sisters now and again, but they know about me. They even asked me how I wanted to be introduced at a party we had. I had to say sister because my parents were there and they understood that.

I just want things like that to be over with. I want to be me. I don't want to be afraid of life on both ends. I don't have this amazing connection with my parents, yet I feel like the my world will implode on itself if they stop loving me. I hate it so much that they mean so much to me and yet they don't. My therapist and my SO both say to just go for it. The worst that can happen is they don't love/want me anymore and in the end it doesn't matter because I have no reliance on them whatsoever. In the end I'll have my life and finally some peace of mind.

That's all I really want is some peace of mind. No more worries, no more hiding, no more lies. I just wish it were as easy as this for me to do. It can be, but I hold myself back. I know this and yet cannot overcome.

Why?

[Megan Joanne]

Maybe because you aren't quite yet ready, the time'll come when you know that you are, because you'll just do it. Or you are letting fears hold you back into thinking that its not yet the time. I know for me, it took some time before I came out and told my family, why, because of fear (would they turn their back to me, would my mom stop loving me, would I be tossed out on the street with no one to turn to, alone, and how would I handle it if it turned out like that?), I suspected how they, particularly my mom would take it, not so good, but there was a time when I just couldn't hide who I was anymore, I braved it regardless of consequences, I had to, either that or continue to be so extremely miserable that I end up just ending it one day (it could've came to that). I came out, told them, there was lots of denial, lots of hurt, lots of crying on both sides, but once she came to understand that regardless of what I was, I was still her child, she didn't want to lose me, so she coped, compromises were made, and eventually she understood that I was who I was and that I had to live as I needed to, and now, heck, my mom and I are closer than we ever could have been prior to me coming out, transitioning, hormones, name change, whatnot. Of coarse its not always like that for most transgender or even some that are gay, families and parents disown them, toss them out, never to want to see or hear from them again, its terrible, and it shouldn't be that way, but this is why it is so scary to come out and tell anyone, especially loved ones who you really are, we need their support and continued love, even if the relationship isn't strong there is still a deep bond. I consider myself very lucky to have had a mom like mine, and thinking about it right now, I'm actually tearing up at this very moment, yeah, I'm crying. I think coming here to this site was a very good thing for me.

[mowdan6]

I understand your fear.  What you might have to deal with, is the middle ground.  that period of time that your parents need, to come to terms with who you are.  I know that is what it took for me.  Just being patient, giving my parents the time to grieve the person they were losing, and accept the person I was.  And, they came to realize, I am still me.  Just not the me you thought I was.  But, also, the same...me.  In my transition, the name change was the first thing I did....after telling my parents.  Yea, it's not easy.  Possibly facing the initial rejection and boo-hooing.  But, to not file the papers....do what you know is right for you....that only leaves you hurting yourself.  Just know you have support here.  And, if you do the name change, prepare yourself for that brief period, where your parents might cause you grief.  We need to allow those that love us, that period of grief and of not understanding.  We want them to understand us.  we also need to be understanding.  But not to our detriment. 

[Zac]

I don't know, man. I can say I can relate though. I have all the documents I need, neatly tucked away into a folder and still with that fresh look on them. I just need to fill them out and take them in. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know what is holding me back. I know I want to do it but I'm afraid I've become too.. comfortable. They call me by my name at work and correct pronouns are used all the time. I pass to quite nearly everyone. But.. here I am with something official and I haven't taken that step yet. Yeah, I'm asking why too.. wish I had an answer but I think its somewhere in this jumbled paragraph. Good luck and hey.. when you're ready, and fully ready, go for it.

[Jigsaw]

I fully understand the wanting to tell the parents first.  I did that with my family.  I saw them both one weekend (they were divorced) and told them.  Neither of them understood or accepted it, but I knew I had to tell them sooner or later.  I have had 2 name changes (some states will not allow this so check on that if it matters in your case) and the 1st one I did not take the family name.  I felt that they would never understand and I did not want to embarrass them, so I might as well disappear to a degree.  I could still talk to them, but as far as my ID, I could be a relative not immediate family member if they ever accepted me and in a situation where there was questions.

About 3 years later I was at a highland festival and helping people look up their clans when I felt like a traitor.  I have always been so proud of my heritage and even though I took a family name, it was not my birth surname.  Luckily, in VA you can change your name more than once if you provide reason.  I changed my full name again.  This time almost mirroring my birth name.  I never told my family about my name changes, but my family found out.  I told my mom I did it because I felt they would never accept me and it was never my goal to hurt them (she was the type that always thought about my choices affecting her when we spoke) but to make it easier in life for everybody.  I had to move on with who I was inside and that I hope that one day they will accept me for who I was.

I assured my family, especially my mother, that it was not a phase and if it was something I decided again in the future, a name change is nothing that is physically irreversible.  I think that made them feel better and it was like a baby step in our relationship.  Look at it that way.  You can submit the papers and it does nothing but give you a step.  No surgery, no hormones, just paperwork....but it makes you feel better.