Depression ?

[Steph]

"If life is a bowl of cherries, how come I feel the pits"

I was going to post this in my blog but I think that it is important for others to know that there can be a down side to finally achieving the ultimate goal.  It's something that is not talked about, it's as if it's taboo to talk about life on the "other" side.

So it's catching up with me, this thing of mine.  It's hard to put a finger on it but I do think that I'm down in the dumps or experiencing some form of depression, may be a post SRS stress disorder.  Great from one disorder to another...

Although I'm thoroughly happy with my surgery, the consequences of it, no regrets what-so-ever, I would do it again in a heart beat, etc., the impact of the post op recovery and the effect it has had on my life is beginning to take it's toll.  I had, what proved to be very unrealistic hopes of very quickly returning to normal and getting back to living and enjoying my life within a few weeks of returning home.  Instead the grind of the daily routine that is essential for a speedy, healthy recovery is wearing down on me or wearing on me.

It is good to be back at work even if it's just half days and folks are treating me wonderfully but I find that it really saps my energy.  I used to be able to fly up the long flight of stairs that leads up to my office, but now I feel like an old lady as I walk those stairs.  I was hoping to be back in the gym working out as I used too but instead I have to drive by it each day.  I guess the hardest thing to bare is that I've gained weight due to a drastic drop in activity which in turn means that a lot of my nice cloths are tight and some don't fit.  Trivial may be but looking and dressing nice is important to me.

Gillian said it seems like I'm going through something similar to post partum depression that natal females suffer through.  I know that this is temporary, that I will be out dancing on the weekends again but I'm a person who needs to active, who needs to be out and about, and I can't.  As many of you know I'm always preaching patience, patience, patience, if only I could heed my own advice.

This will pass as I heal, it's just an emotional concoction that I didn't expect and one that I've never had to deal with before, and one that I truly hope that I never have to deal with it again.  Maybe it's that I/we expect life to be a bed of roses after the suffering and heartache we endure during transition.  It ain't over yet baby, but I'm close

Steph

[Sheila]

Steph, remember I told you that you will go through some things like physical changes and mental changes after SRS. I can't explain them but you will go through. I know I was also tired and I don't know why. I get more tired than I use to and I always thought it was getting older. I think it has to do with your hormones. You are not going to be able to do the things you once did. There will be more changes, I don't know what they will be for you, but just hang in there. Oh and by the way it is harder to take off the weight being a woman. You might want to take some vitamins or change them around a little. This is your life, you are a woman now and not the center of attention. You are not that transexual down the street anymore, you are that middle age woman who works for the school district. Don't be depressed, be excited. Get lots of sleep and lots of rest. Don't forget you just had major surgery about a month ago and your body is recovering from all of that. Not to mention that you might be going through menopause. It gets better, but there will be some changes to your mental and physical body. If it gets too bad, go back and see your therapist. Some need to have therapy after the surgery. I didn't, but this is me. I get moody also, and it happens on the new moon. Once a month. I don't know why. I still get depressed every once in a while and it has nothing to do with being male or female, just get cranky. I cry every now and again and sometimes I feel like people are picking on me. I have gotten use to it, but it has been almost 3 years after surgery. So, take your advice and be patient. It is all about being our type of a woman. I think GG go through it and it is called menopause. My surgeon told me that I would go through this phase. I don't know if I made any sense but it is all part of growing into woman hood.
Sheila

[Steph]

Of course you are perfectly correct Sheila.  I of all people should know better.  It's just we get wrapped up planning and navigating the journey that we forget to consider what it's going to be like once we get there.  I did go shopping today for the first time in ages which helped a lot, I guess it's true what they say "When life gets tough, go shopping".  Well it's what I say anyway.

Thanks again Sheila you're the big sister I never had.

And for Tink... Thanks for the hugs they are just in time.  Personally I think it is very important to relate my experience here in venues such as Susan's.  As I said before we don't talk about this enough, it's as if this should be kept a secret as isn't SRS supposed to be the be all and end all of our journey.  It's clearly obvious to me that the journey doesn't end with SRS, there is life after that has to be dealt with, and those issues Sheila mentioned are incredibly important that to go foreword without knowing about them can lead to this depression we are experiencing.

Steph

[BrandiOK]

  While I've yet to achieve "postie" status I went through all the ups and downs of pre and post SRS with my roommate.  It's true...many post ops experience a depressive state in the months following SRS.  Why? I suppose the details are individual to each person but I would suspect for many of the reasons mentioned here.  You devote all your time and energy to one single goal, SRS, and then when it's over you are left  wondering where your goal is now.  The one thing you have fixated on, so to speak, is gone and that leaves a big empty area inside. It takes awhile to adjust...for your mind to begin to focus on other aspects of your life that until now had been less of a priority. 

  I remember long nights of her crying...she never regretted the surgery but she felt empty somehow. Like there was a big part of her life missing suddenly.  It took several long talks until she realized what she was missing wasn't something that was taken away or lost but something that was achieved and simply moved to make room for other goals and priorities.  I guess it just takes time to adjust....it's a major change in your life.  It's perfectly normal to feel the way you feel.....I imagine that one day soon both of you, Steph and Tink, will look back on this and smile.  It's part of your rebirth.....shedding the old and devoloping the new.    ....as I see it anyways.

[TheBattler]

Hang in there Steph and Tinkerbell,

Changes are hard - I am going through some now at the moment and I now need to takes responsibility for what I am feeling. With major surgery I am sure you have changed. Get well soon.

a big from me. I value both of you so much.

Alice

[HelenW]

Steph, I think many people go through this after they've achieved a huge goal that they had been working on for many years. 

I got my college education in stages.  For the first "2 year degree" I went part time for seven years.  After that I quit my job and went to school full time for three more.  Then, after I graduated, I had the same feelings that you are describing.  I think it's a natural letdown.  The process was complete and I felt as if I was mourning its passing.  H____, "the student," was no more.  The big question was, now what do I do with all this newly found "spare time" and this new way of thinking of myself?

While it took me ten years for a degree, your journey has taken most, if not all, of your life.  The old Steph has gone into the past and now it's time mourn her passing.  When you're done then you can redefine who the new Steph will be.  In no time at all you'll be standing up straight and proud and roaring through life as you were meant to.

hugs & smiles
helen

[Buffy]

Steph,

I had one of my worst times of depression, just shortly after SRS. Emotions,lack of hormones, inactivity, pain , physically low in energy and being lonely at times dragged me down. The constant dilation routines and not being able to get out really got me down.

For a long time it was like being stuck in a time warp, yep I had SRS but things didn't feel any different, It was an anti climax as far as I was concerned as I had lived and worked as a woman for two years.

I found the first 3 months particularly depressing, the hard slog of dilation before (2 hours) and in the evening (3 hours basically), just awful and I couldn't do any of the things I dreamed of doing.

As things improved physically, It got better, but never truly was the hapinness that I had so longed for, It took me a long time to realize that I was still connected to my past (3 years in fact) and it is only in the last year I have shed this burden and started to live!

Physically, mentally I am know the person I have always wished to be, but that NEVER happened when I was post SRS, but like everything, it takes time.

Never underestimate the physical and emotional effects of what you have gone through.....

Buffy

[Stormy Weather]

Weepiness, check. Feel like you're going around the bend?

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,6956.0.html

This is what I've been struggling with on and off since surgery, something which I posted about in my first posts here.

Although the stress of healing and constant dilation plays a part in the early months, I also feel it has little to do with attaining a long sought-for goal. In my opinion, that's an easy and slightly glib answer from those who usually haven't experienced the same situation.

Therapists tend to be inclined to offer a psychological reason rather than a medical reason. My psychiatrist's first instincts were to prescribe anti-depressants, something which I refused. The fact that it occurs in so many post-GRS patients suggests another explanation. There's nothing comparable at all... except post-partum depression.

My endo said that in his experience, 1 in 4 of his TS patients need slight testosterone supplementation in the form of a small amount of gel applied to the skin, 1/3rd of the normal dose. Before I saw him, my GP in a separate test, declared my T levels in blood as 'undetectable', which is a little worrying considering how important it is for a sense of well-being.

I saw my endo in November but still haven't been back to my GP to get the results as they still weren't in just before Xmas. I'll let you know how I get on and in the meantime, the both of you (Steph and Tinks) take care, and go back to your GP and/or endo to get all levels carefully checked.

[Stormy Weather]

Thank you so much for all the wonderful advice.

Not so much advice, but some reassurance, I hope. Reassurance that you're not going insane and you're not the only ones who have been there.

[passiflora]

I was depressed to after GRS. It did'nt hit imeadaitly, infact it was sort of just a slow building thing, and I could'nt figure out what was wrong either. I was totally happy with my results, and elated to be finally complete down there, but I just started feeling down. I think for me I have realized that it just has to do with finding something else to drive and occupy my life. Through transition we are constantly waiting for something. waiting for the HRT to work, waiting for the electrology to work, and waiting for surgery. There's always a wall infront of us, that we are not competly in control of, and after surgery that wall is gone, and we sort of find ourselves empty to not have the waht next, and whats waiting for me now, and what do I have to save and plan for now.

Its like during transition, even though it may have been miserable, it was our life and we had a place and a purpose, a vision, but suddnely after surgery, we find oursleves with really nothing to measure ourselves by, or to define our lives by accept for the mere fact of being women, just another girl in society, and so now we have to find a new vision and a new place for ourselves as just that, just females.

-pass- 

[angelsgirl]

There are a lot of people that experience depression after a major surgery.  I think it has something to do with having to minimize activities while the body heals (exercise of any kind is known to be a mood-lifter) and the process of the body healing may have an impact on your body chemistry as well.

There have also been studies that suggest people that have attained a major goal sometimes become depressed because they have nothing to do once they've achieved it and some even experience guilt at achieving a goal that someone else has failed at (or not yet accomplished).  It just a hypothesis, though.

I sure am sorry to hear that you're feeling blue. I'll see if I can find something to help cheer you up!

[Dennis]

Depression is also a common side effect from general anaesthetic. I'm not sure about whether it is also possible from a spinal, but you might want to look into that Steph.

Dennis

[Steph]

Depression is a nasty thing that's for sure.  I think that I'm coming out of it slowly but surely.  I think it's due to the fact that I'm healing and able to be more active, and of course the support you all have shown.  It is so nice that we don't have to suffer alone, you guys are the greatest.

Steph

[Maud]

Hormonal levels are something I suspect to be a big culprit, my doc is rather overzelous with her estrogen dose reccomendations and I'm slightly worried that I'm going to have to cut down to 1/4 my current dose post GRS and the effects that'll have on me, recently I've had to go off for a month to get some bloodwork done and it's totally ruined my life I've been experiencing basically everything described plus a few very annoying androgenic effects (hair falling out, unwanted morning activity, body odour, boobs feel different, facial hair returning (I started mid puberty so I never had any terminal facial hair))

It's mostly the cabbin fever and not being able to function like I used to my life was pretty great before this hormonal crash I had my friends who I went out with regularly, I had university work which I enjoyed doing and got good marks in, but now my mind's a mess I can't get anything done, physically I just feel completetly drained I'm not in lectures at the moment and I just feel mortally depressed and I suspect that being off HRT for GRS for a while and the new lower dose will have much the same effect, combined with the general anesthetic, the unrelenting dilaton routine and the fact that the body is recovering from such shock.

It won't stop me for a second but it's something I'm expecting when the time comes, knowing how bad this is I have a huge amount of sympathy for you both, take good care of yourself I know you'll get through it in time.

[Steph]

It seems that it is a cumulation of all the things that have been mentioned, and given those it would seem that post-op depression at some level is inevitable.  As I mentioned before, I'm feeling much better.  I had an appointment with my OBGYN and she was very happy with the results of the antibiotics.  She said that the labia is looking really good, and looks quite normal now.  Whew...  she said there is no need to continue with treatment and that she didn't need to see me again unless there was a turn for the worst.  So I bounced out of her office with a huge smile on my face, and as I lay here dilating I have to agree that "it's" look very nice

Steph

[passiflora]

yea it took me about 4 - 6 months to get over it. After reading some of the other reply's I did'nt realize, but it makes since that some of it peobably was caused just by the trauma and stuff of surgery, and the healing and stuff. Its sort of funny though before I had surgery, I was one of those ones that was really suspicious of the whole post-op depression thing, and swore it would not happen to me, and then it did, it was sort of weird. Then the same thing happend after FFS, but it was'nt nearly as long, but the pain and the physical draining of FFS was a lot worse than GRS for me. I have always been really self-conscience about my looks, and it was really depressing the almost 2 weeks I had the compression bandages around my face and head, then after the bandges came off I was really self-conscience about being around people for awhile, it was weird to have this sort of new look, and not really being used to it, so that sort got me depressed for awhile, but after it started healing more, it got much better. But the thing about FFS though, is that even a year later, i still have a lot of numbenss, and a lot of shooting nerve pain, specially in the top of my head, which can get me down sometimes. 

-pass-

[tinkerbell]

Originally I was going to see my therapist tomorrow Friday, but there was a last minute cancellation and she was able to squeeze me in.  I don't feel as depressed as I was when I posted what I wrote above.  I think that the pain had a lot to do with how I was feeling.  I still feel sore down there, but the pain is not that severe anymore, so as long as there is no pain, I am walking on air.  Today has been a great day so far.  Every time I see my therapist, she makes feel sooo much better, so no "depre" today...LOL

tinkerbell

[angelsgirl]

Yay Tink!

[TheBattler]

It is funny how time heals everything. I do not know why I did what I did last weekend. That bottle of wine was not fun. I am feeling so much better now. Maybe my new meds are working.

Alice

[angelsgirl]

I hear you, Alice. When I was on meds, I drank horribly.  It was almost like I was compelled to drink more for some reason.  The things I did then seem inexplicable to me. With 20/20 hindsight it sure seems stupid to me now! I hope you are doing better, hon!