Dating... how does it work anyway?

[JungianZoe]

I guess I've never really figured out dating.  And now that I'm open and honest with myself and I'm full time, the rules of a game I never knew might have changed.  Or did they?  I don't know.

Truth is, I'm all thumbs when it comes to dating.  In my 33 years living in boy-flesh, I never once asked a girl out because I didn't think anyone would want to be with me in a million years.  Don't ask where that thought came from, but it was there just the same.  It's still there.  I was in five relationships from the ages of 16 to 30: 2 months, 5 years, 1 week, 1 year, 2 years (the last being my marriage).  Since my divorce three years ago, I haven't been on a single date.  Maybe I'm shy like that, maybe something else is wrong, maybe I'm just ugly, I dunno.

So now that I'm full time, I may be making the same mistakes as before.  Perhaps I have this romantic notion that now that I'm physically becoming female, guys will approach me.  Not even close.  I don't even get stares (which could be good from a passing standpoint, not so much a romantic one).  I go places now.  I get out into the world all the time.  I walk with my head held high and confident in who I am.  So why do I get nothing?

Every friend I hang out with has someone, so every time I go to their places, I watch them get cuddly while I sit around cold.  Last night, I was a fifth wheel.  It's not that I'm desperate for a relationship, but I'm kind of desperate.  I'm lonely and I cry every single night when I get into bed... anything anyone can tell me about this would be most helpful.

[justmeinoz]

Putting aside  my own history of pre-marital disasters from the dim, dark past for a moment, I would suggest going over to the offensive.
If you find a guy attractive, and he seems to tick all the boxes, just ask him out.
It will put you more in control of the situation,  and get his attention more than waiting around looking interested, but waiting for him to make the first move. 
Most guys being a bit slow on the uptake (weren't we all ) he may not take the hint otherwise.
Now if anyone has hints on "Dating for lesbians 101"...
Karen.

[Rock_chick]

The zen of dating

The crafty huntress does not stalk her prey, giving her (or him) an inflated sense of their own worth. Instead she lies in wait in a location where her prey likes to congregate, concealing her true intentions all the while being visible to her prey, until the poor hunted creature can stand it no longer and asks her out on a date.

Or with slightly less mysticism, you date people by meeting them, and you can actively date or just go out and do stuff and meet people that way. So rather than worrying about finding miss (or mr) right just go out into the world and do stuff you enjoy because at least you'll be having fun.

[A_Dresden_Doll]

I used to think that no one would want me way back in high school. Not only was I blind to my dysphoria, but it was causing me to suffer greatly. Thankfully, I don't feel that now, but then again, I am going through a separation with my wife, so maybe I should! Ha. I don't look forward to dating if we do divorce, to be perfectly honest. Dating is hell enough with out being trans. When you add that on top, it becomes an exercise of pain. So it goes.

The only thing I know that does work, is that you usually meet someone when you aren't trying to find someone. It's how I met anyone that I dated. It seems when we focus on things that make us look confident and independent, is when other takes notice. No one wants an easy catch, trans or cis.

[Colleen Ireland]

Now if anyone has hints on "Dating for lesbians 101"...

LOL!  I thought I was the only one interested in that... 

My problem is, I'd like to date lesbians, but I'm afraid they'd reject me because of that extra flap of skin.  I think I'm way too early in my transition anyway, I probably should wait until my boobs come in a bit more, in case things get steamy - I'd have something more fun to offer than a flat chest, lol...

[Janet_Girl]

I don't date.  G/F will not let me.  hehe

But yes, just go meet people.  Coffee shops, bookstores, wherever people gather.


@Colleen.  OMG, You're fulltime I see.  Welcome to the RLE club. 

[JungianZoe]

Thank you all for the suggestions...   I guess I just don't know how to do this.

I've tried hanging out where people get together.  Never been approached.  I've tried just forgetting about it.  Never been approached.  I never even hear about people who talk about me in that way.  And I'm much to shy to approach people I don't know, but I'm guessing that I'm going to have to make the first move someday or I'm going to be alone forever.  In all my life, nobody's asked for my number or asked me out or anything.  Not a single time.

Now that my sexual preference has done a 180, I'm totally lost as to what to do...

[Colleen Ireland]

@Colleen.  OMG, You're fulltime I see.  Welcome to the RLE club. 

Thank you, Janet!  The first week was awesome!  I'll be blogging on it, but first, I have some shopping to do, lol... this week made me realize just how sparse my wardrobe is... 

[Lee]

Speaking from personal experience, the guys you meet just randomly can be pretty sketchy, and waiting for a good one to come along seems like it'd be a pain in the ass.  Instead I'd suggest finding a club or volunteer work or something of the sort where you get to know people through a common interest.  Zoe, you're really pretty, and I doubt you'll have any trouble attracting guys once they meet you. 

Edit: Congrats Colleen   I hope everything goes well.

[Ann Onymous]

I tended to find that bars were not the place to find peeps for dating relationships...one-night stands, sure, but I never did form any real relationships out of a bar environment.  I never really spent much time trying to develop dating relationships pre though, so I cannot offer much guidance there.  I did tend to be a social butterfly in those early baby-dyke days but made it pretty clear I was not looking to settle down with anyone.  The fact that I was moving every year or two for my career gave me another easy out for not wanting to settle down... 

Even worse now is that if I am in a non-lesbian environment, I seem to somehow attract guys who want to hit on me.  They see me dining alone somewhere and decide I must be a target of opportunity, especially when staff are tending to my every need.   

One of the things I miss are the L Word parties...but even now, Season I on DVD can be great mood material after bringing someone to the house.  I cannot claim credit on that.  A Major in the Army Reserves was the first one that I encountered that with.  Sadly, the uncertainty over her redeployment contributed to the demise of that relationship. 

If there was one single piece of advice that could be offered, at least on the lesbian side of the equation, it would be to simply act natural.  Too many people over-do things.  Let's face it, there are not many examples anymore of the butch-femme dynamic at work.  Jeans and a top with a more natural appearance tends to lend itself to 'approachable.' 

Oh yeah...and if in the midwest, do not presume that the gaydar is always functioning properly.  Lots of 'country' women can mistakenly trigger it

 

[JungianZoe]

Thank you again for all of the suggestions...   And I have to apologize for being so whiny in this thread.  The emotion express finally stopped at my station a few weeks ago and I just came down with a nasty cold last night after five days of crud.  So yeah, I'm whiny. Sorry about that, I usually try to do things that bring people up, not down.

And Lee...   Thank you so much for such a lovely comment!  I have a lot of self-image issues that I know I need to work out, and sometimes I just need to hear stuff like that.

The volunteer work angle sounds perfect!  I've always loathed the bar environment and haven't been to one of those skeezy places in a decade (just as Ann said, they're not the place to find real relationships).  I know a lot of people do coffee bars and the like, but coffee and tea are two of the most vile-tasting substances on the planet to me, along with red wine and beer.  I totally and absolutely love the smell of all of them, but the taste isn't remotely like the smell.  So going to places like that are kind of awkward if I can't partake of the reasons for their existence.  I know they usually sell pastries and whatnot, but I can't eat much sugary stuff because of side effects from a stomach operation a few years back.

Cursed digestive system!! 

[Ann Onymous]

but coffee and tea are two of the most vile-tasting substances on the planet to me, along with red wine and beer.  I totally and absolutely love the smell of all of them, but the taste isn't remotely like the smell. 

Blasphemy

Unless of course you were discussing some of the mass produced domestic swill, a lot of which leaves MUCH to be desired.  Yeah, I can be a wine snob at times.

Oh, and coffee is greatly improved with a few shots of Godiva dark chocolate liqueur.  Just sayin'

[Ann Onymous]

It's a tiny thing, but don't grow nails past your fingertip. Long nails are like "not interested in women" signs stuck to your hands.

well, more like...that chica won't be giving much action under the covers.  But then you get back into the vestiges of the butch-femme dynamics that still sort of exist in the lipstick lesbian segment of the community. 

But yeah, long nails tend to be a turn-off since I expect my partners to be able to give as well as to receive...and I don't want long nails scratching me inside that area of my body  

[Rock_chick]

This is fast becoming my stock answer for every problem imaginable, but take up longboarding and ride with crew of people...not only are longboarders really laid back...they're also ripped

[JungianZoe]

This is fast becoming my stock answer for every problem imaginable, but take up longboarding and ride with crew of people...not only are longboarders really laid back...they're also ripped

I'm kind of a notorious klutz.  The one time I managed to step on a skateboard, it flew out from under me and I bruised my tailbone when I hit the ground.    The one time I tried snowboarding, I went down a little 3-foot hill, fell at the bottom, and a stump hidden beneath the snow cut my knee open.

It gets better... while going through the turnstile at the entrance of the San Diego Zoo when I was 7 years old, I fell, skinned my knee, and spent two hours in the clinic getting patched up.   Me and physicality don't get along.

[justmeinoz]

Well Zoe, sounds like you have a cute ambo or two in your future!
As a few have posted above, try a shared activity that appeals to you and just see who you meet.  Bars are a great way to meet drunks, for instance!   Voluntary groups should be a good way to meet a guy who has a brain and a bit of sensitivity.
The way I tend to break nails that isn't a problem , but thanks for the tip Ann and Sarah.
Karen.

[RachaelAnn22]

hi zoe i think you are beautiful.just hang in there.i'm not nearly as pretty as you are, i  hope i can get myself together so i can date.i've had tummy surgery too so i know what that's like.good luck and a big hug