Disclosing genital status after coming out to someone?

[Nero]

There are people I'd want to eventually come out to who only know me as male. So, I'm trying to decide in advance how best to handle the genital question. I would say that my genitals are nobody's business unless we become intimate. And I believe that. But for some reason I'm uncomfortable leaving them in the dark. I wonder if leaving them guessing makes it into a bigger deal than it is. Like there's a big question mark in their minds and I should answer it so we can move on. Part of it is also that I'm not comfortable with anyone thinking I've had surgery down there. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of a scalpel anywhere down there. At the same time, I don't want the biggest thing in their minds to be the fact I don't have a dick. But I doubt thinking I had surgery to procure one would do much to change the essence of that idea anyway.

So, they find out I'm trans. The first thing in their minds is the genital question. The second being 'How does he _?' Do you think they'll ever get beyond that point if I leave them hanging?
Do you disclose your genital status after coming out to someone who only knew you as your true gender (assuming no plans for sex in the near future)?
Do you think knowing or not knowing has an impact on your relationship with them?

[Catherine]

Its a huge problem... Everyone is different and is going to react differently.

Most women will be expecting you to have an 'outy' bit downstairs and I think a lot of them are going to be spooked when they find you don't. You maybe lucky and find someone who doesn't care what is between your legs but they are not as common as some would like to believe.

I would guess as you don't want to be out to anyone other than those who it is completely necessary to tell, then you are just going to have to take it slow with someone and break it to her gently.

Personally I am reluctant to get in to a relationship with anyone as I don't have the correct bits yet. I don't want to get in to a relationship and find that they dont want anything to do with me afterwards. I have had too much heartbreak for that to happen again. I also haven't met someone who I believe actually doesn't care what is between my legs. As I say I think they are few and far between but that could just be me being cynical.

[mowdan6]

I don't believe my genitals are anyone's business.  I also transitioned years ago in the same neighberhood and job, so most assume I have had complete surgery.  The only person that knows is my current girlfriend.  She is post-op MTF, and the fact that I have'nt had lower surgery yet, is not a problem for her.  I also told her very early in the relationship.  Thought that was the right thing to do.  Just my two cents. 

[Nero]

Thanks Catherine and mowdan.
Yeah, I would probably disclose to a potential partner early on. I wouldn't want them to develop feelings for me based on assumptions about my body. I'm more concerned about friendships at this point.

[Catherine]

Thanks Catherine and mowdan.
Yeah, I would probably disclose to a potential partner early on. I wouldn't want them to develop feelings for me based on assumptions about my body. I'm more concerned about friendships at this point.

With friendships I think you are who you are and that's it... You only need disclose what you want.

Its like having a false leg. no one will see it and there is no need to talk about it. Unless you feel the need..

[YinYanga]

I often feel the need to disclose my 'true' body, even as a Transgender who isn't opting for surgery at all. People still see a male-bodied person and that affects their view of me, whether its my body as a whole or the bits down there

Its a difficult situation because if I were to transition with HRT and still keep my genitals its still something that I might have some trouble explaining in some way to people, especially in a relationship: where do you start that conversation and would it change someone's idea about you all the sudden? I'm a bit afraid of that 

Interesting topic 'Forum Admin" ^^

[JohnR]

If your friends are all prepared to participate in a genital show and tell party then fair enough, tell them about your trouser department.

I think you're torturing yourself unnecessarily FA. Would you ask a female friend about the size of her vagina or ask her how big her vulva is?

[YinYanga]

Think it has more to do with honesty and not giving people a different idea of what they can expect sexually in a relationship

[sneakersjay]

I have had lower surgery and still am loathe to discuss my genitals with anyone unless I'm going to become intimate.  That said, I do not disclose my status to people either, esp. those that know me only as male.

At work I have made references to my scrotum or dick, but people at work do not know I had *that* surgery (they know I was out for surgery but I did not disclose to ANYONE what that surgery was, and occ made references to back issues; they may suspect but none have mentioned it).

I personally wouldn't mention it; I figure if they are nosy they will ask, and maybe I will tell them the truth at that time.  So far none have.


Jay

[Arch]

I was dreading this issue about two weeks ago when my coworker found out about my past. So far, she hasn't asked about it, but there was one part of the conversation that might have impelled her to make certain assumptions. When she asked me if I was dating anyone, I responded in the negative, with a certain vehemence. She then alluded to my positive qualities (I do have a few) and said, "Why not date?" I said that gay men tend to have particular expectations that I don't measure up to.

I don't know precisely what assumptions this conversation led to. She isn't exactly trans-savvy. Or gay-savvy, apparently.

I have since asked myself a few questions. If I were a woman from a certain African culture that practiced genital mutilation, would I feel the need to disclose my anatomical details to friends? Or if I were a man who had had my cancerous testicles removed, would I tell friends who didn't already know? If I had presented as male but had been born intersex and still had my original equipment, would I tell new friends, "Oh, I have a sort of a cleft and a microphallus, and no testicles"?

Probably not.

I know that our situation is pretty complicated because we have cross-sex upbringing and we go through transition and, until/unless we have surgery, we have atypical genitals. I guess the question is, how much are you comfortable telling them? I might add a question of my own--what are your motives for telling them you're trans in the first place? An honest exploration of the answer might help you to figure out how much you want to say. You will have no control over the questions they will ask, of course, but if you understand your own motives, you will figure out ways to respond, unless you are prepared to tell them absolutely everything.

[Nero]

I might add a question of my own--what are your motives for telling them you're trans in the first place? An honest exploration of the answer might help you to figure out how much you want to say. You will have no control over the questions they will ask, of course, but if you understand your own motives, you will figure out ways to respond, unless you are prepared to tell them absolutely everything.

Well, I guess I feel like I'd be uncomfortable if the friendship deepens and they don't know such a basic fact of my existence. My main reason for being stealth is more that I'm uncomfortable with people knowing from the jump I'm trans. But once a relationship develops, I'm uncomfortable with the person thinking I'm someone I'm not - someone born physically male. I think it's just my personality.

[Arch]

Well, I guess I feel like I'd be uncomfortable if the friendship deepens and they don't know such a basic fact of my existence. My main reason for being stealth is more that I'm uncomfortable with people knowing from the jump I'm trans. But once a relationship develops, I'm uncomfortable with the person thinking I'm someone I'm not - someone born physically male. I think it's just my personality.

I have such feelings myself. I guess I grapple with this every day. For me, though, it hasn't yet been worth it to come out to anyone in the first place. So I haven't gotten to the point where I need to decide whether I should talk about body parts.

So I guess my next question would be this: if you come out as trans, then people will know that you weren't born with the usual male equipment. Is that enough, or do you then need to take things a step further and talk about your parts? Would you be satisfied that they just know something about your unusual past and not necessarily your present? How much information do you think is essential for them? Would you feel deceptive to come out to someone and then NOT talk about your nether regions? If so, why? If not, why not?

I have some trans friends whom I see on a regular basis, and I can talk to them and to my therapist about my dysphoria. I think that having such an outlet makes it easier for me to not divulge the dirty details to new acquaintances. But I've developed a pretty good friendship with one of the men in my group, and I keep thinking that I should tell him. We have been very frank with each other in private conversation--talking about upbringing, parents, sexual relationships, emotions--and I do wonder if I should tell him. But I consider it private information that only lovers really need to know, and you can't get the genie back into the bottle. I'm sure that there are things he doesn't tell me, either.

[sneakersjay]

Well, I guess I feel like I'd be uncomfortable if the friendship deepens and they don't know such a basic fact of my existence. My main reason for being stealth is more that I'm uncomfortable with people knowing from the jump I'm trans. But once a relationship develops, I'm uncomfortable with the person thinking I'm someone I'm not - someone born physically male. I think it's just my personality.

The few times I've disclosed (earlier in transition after passing but before surgery) I regretted it.  It changed the way they viewd me.  I will never disclose again.

My basic fact is that I had a medical condition that I corrected, end of story, nobody's business.  As I go about my daily business I forget that I used to be different.  Until my kids call me Mom, that is. 


You are male, that's all they really need to know. 

Jay

[Sarah B]

One of the main reasons why I never disclose period, because if I did, and as Sneakersjay basically said "It would change the way people would view me".  If people knew, then depending on the person, they would then seek out further questions and hence open a can of worms.  Although the human race is extensively 'gender variant', unfortunately for the time being the human race is still struggling to maintain 'two genders'.  Eventually society will learn to accept variations in gender, but the time is not now.

Case in point, I needed a document certified and when the person saw the document and certified the copy, realised what I was, I knew they knew and they were surprised without saying anything and still I felt humiliated, but fortunately I will never see that person again.

I occasionally have thoughts of telling people, however after thinking through all the implications, I just say to myself, it is not worth the trouble.  So you only tell people if and only if it is absolutely necessary and the only two exceptions are partners and only relevant medical doctors.  This creates the least amount of problems.

As Sneakersjay said 'You are male, that's all they really need to know'.

Warm regards
Sarah B

[Julie Marie]

When we meet someone, or even when a person sees us on the street, there's an assumption by that person we have this or that between our legs.  We don't even know how they process that.  Do they visualize it?  Or do they just think, "male" or "female" and never give it a second thought, until thoughts of intimacy surface.

So if this is how people think, why not just let it be?  Why let what is brewing in our brain throw a monkey wrench into the friendship?  Most of us feel our gender is determined by what's between our ears.  So why put all that thought into what's between your legs?  It doesn't matter until you drop your pants anyway.

[rejennyrated]

It's obviously more complex for those who are non-op, but the way I have always approached the subject is to NEVER EVER to disclose or admit to transition, but rather to simply disclose having had corrective surgery.

I don't say, I am/was trans, but  instead will say something like "I was born with a major genital birth defect which needed surgical correction and which left me sterile". If I am honest I don't even really think of myself as trans anyway, but rather as post corrected cis.

It works perfectly for me because I genuinely did grow up as almost female and therefore aside from a small discrepant period in early adulthood thanks to my so called therapist it is true that I would not really have had to "transition" at all. However even if someone did transition I don't really see that there is any reason why anyone who had or will have surgery shouldn't also adopt a similar strategy. If your "coming out" is always couched in terms of the fact that you are coming out as having had full genital surgery then the question is fully answered before it even gets asked.

As I say, it's sadly not much help if you haven't had surgery. In those situations I think I'd be tempted to just say nothing at all unless it became unavoidable to do so.

[envie]

Hi Forum Administrator,

You suggested to me a little while ago, regarding my parental identity, I tell people rather what I am not and leave the answer to what I am somewhat open.

You could simply state you accommodated or adjusted with being born with unconventional body without disclosing any further details. That way you can stick to your honesty while keeping private parts, well private.
Someone told me that we trans people often have a feeling of having to explain ourselves to people who rather fit the norm which we actually don't.

Also, I know this is not too much of relief but so far only two people asked me about my bottom situation and they already knew me from before my transition started.
People are usually, at least in my experience, not nosey to that extent.

best!

[GinaDouglas]

I think this is a very important issue.  I will answer that I am trans, but am very unlikely to bring it up.  I will answer questions like, "how long have you known", "when did you transition".  I will not answer anything about my former name or what is in my panties.

People generally do not understand how rude it is for them to ask those questions.  If they do, I say that transgender people stand in unity in not answering those questions and I refer them to Calpernia:

[Nero]

The few times I've disclosed (earlier in transition after passing but before surgery) I regretted it.  It changed the way they viewd me.  I will never disclose again.

Thanks Jay. May I ask the nature of the relationships (romantic/friends/business/time known, etc) and how you were treated differently afterward? It really helps to hear others' experiences with this. Thanks.

[Megan Joanne]

I don't think something as personal as genitals is anyone's business unless there's going to be intimacy. What do they need to know for? They don't, its not like they are going to have to face it everyday. In fact just like anyone else they are most likely never going to see or interact with it at all, so it doesn't matter what it is. Of coarse if some do know and suspect that you aren't really the same gender as them and you happen to use the same public restroom, this can make them very uneasy, the whole not knowing, they may have fears of you being a pervert or that you could sometime if the opportunity arose do something to hurt them when alone, particularly in the restroom with them. I've known ones that knew what I was, and each time that I would enter the restroom to go, or even if I was just washing my hands, they'd get out as quickly as possible, because again, they either knew I didn't have the same parts as them or didn't know and the uncertainty scared them. But other than the whole restroom thing, if those around you suspect or know that you are transgendered, and even if they may at times have curiousities about what may be between your legs or how you pee or get it on with another, its as much as none of their business just as it would be for anyone else without gender issues, though I do know some people, groups of guys or girls will occasionally talk about stuff like that, but if one doesn't want to that's their preference, one shouldn't have to feel like they have to be pressured into anything they don't want to talk about or show off. Keep your privates private unless its really absolutely necessary to explain yourself, and even still, it shouldn't be, ever, the transgendered thing maybe yes to those that need to know, but no one needs to know the very details of what part you have.