When to tell? How to build confidence?

[ShippoFox]

My other topic died very quickly, but I have some more specific questions now...

I have to tell my family I'm transgender. I can't move out because I'm unemployed & I'm depended on too much. I don't wanna live all alone anyway.

I don't really have a backup plan here. I don't see how I can make one. This seems to be my only choice.

First, I think one of the biggest problems is.... when do I tell? I plan to start with my mom. I live with my grandparents, but my mom would want to be the first to know such a big secret about me. However, it never seems like it's the right time. I've been delaying and waiting and delaying and waiting... for months and months. There probably is no "perfect" time for anything though. How do I decide when to do this? x_x

Second, I need to build up the confidence to actually tell them.... but I just don't know how. I need titanium confidence, but I just feel incapable of being so confident. I know that can't be true. The capability has to be inside me, but I don't have a single clue of how to unlock it. The key is... at the bottom of the ocean, in a volcano, or on the moon.

I have a terrible feeling that I'll never be able to afford transitioning. I have not given up all hope, but I have a bad feeling about it. However, I have to do what I can to at least try to be a little happier. If I tell my family, then at least I can probably wear dresses & stuff around the house.

Here is my old topic if anyone wants to read it.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,96940.0.html

[spacial]

Can I ask you, do you think any member of your family will take a negative or even hostile attitude toward the news?

[Cindy]

Hi Shippofox,
I'm sorry your thread died but that happens on busy boards. What gender and what sex are you? I'm not being rude but MtF and FtM transitons are totally different in many ways. I'd also like to know your age group, I DO NOT WANT YOU TO POST YOUR AGE, unless you are over 18 yrs. You seem to be living in a complex family relationship, that also needs some explanation. What is your career, or what do you want it to be? 


Cindy

[ShippoFox]

I think it's possible I'll get a few negative reactions. *sigh* I don't think it'll go perfectly. I don't see how anything would turn violent though.  I mean, I guess anything is possible, but I don't think that would happen.

I'm mostly worried about my dad's reaction. He's not horribly hateful or anything, but I think he'll have a problem with it, at least at first. I think he'll accept me eventually, but I hope it's within days or weeks and not months nor many years.

I don't know what to expect from my mom, really. I do know that she's fairly open minded about most things though. She does support gay rights, anyway. However, she does have a bit of a temper. She yells a lot about stuff when it's really not necessary. She has given me indications that she'd react positively & she has given me indications that she might react a bit negatively.

I'm not sure about my brother. He could also react either way. Same for my aunt. (My aunt lives with my grandparents and I)

The problem with telling my grandparents (the ones I live with) is that one can't see well and one can't hear very well. I'm also not sure what kind of reaction to expect from my grandfather, but he better be nice since I'm always helping him & my grandma with stuff around the house.

My other grandma (dad's side) will probably think I'm some kind of terrible sinner or something, but I suspect she would be nice & not directly say such a thing. She's always nice to my lesbian cousin.

The rest of my extended family... I don't know. I assume some of them might be jerks about it, but maybe not. Same for neighbors. It's fairly unpredictable.

I need to be confident. If I'm not, my family might convince me to back down & I'll just end up feeling depressed and hopeless. Then again, I don't know how I can afford to transition anyway. I'd need my parents to help me, but I don't know if they will or can.

Explaining my sexual orientation will be quite tricky and awkward. I am sort of biromantic asexual with a slight preference for girls. Being stuck as a male currently, the thought of ever having sex makes me almost cringe. However, if I had SRS (which would probably take two lifetimes to afford)... then I think I'd have a chance of enjoying sex. Maybe or maybe not. It's confusing to even myself.

Ummm... I'm MTF. As for my age, I am unfortunately 25 already. Time flies quickly. I am unemployed and I don't know what the heck I want to do with my life.  I wanted to do something with computers as a career, but I'm just not so sure about it lately.  I don't even feel up to working or anything though. I don't feel like I can do it with this all on my mind.

[spacial]

Shippo.

The reason I asked is that, you've clearly made up your mind that now is th time to say something. Believe me when I say this, you are doing the right thing. It's really difficult when you're younger, jumping onto the moon might be easier, frankly. From there, it just gets tougher. 25 is fine. You're still young enough to do something positive and constructive, but old enough to stand up for yourself.

Your family situstion seems to be quite complicated, with so many different relatives. But in your situation, I will suggest you start with those that you think will most likely support you.

Now, I'm not suggestng try one and see how it goes, I'm suggesting you make a concerted plan, telling each one in turn. How long the break is between each is a matter of how much time you think is needed. With some, it might be better to get them in a group.

But before you do that, you do need some allies.

Your mom has the difficulity of her temper. In your case, I would try to start with the mom. I'd try to get her alone, perhaps take her out. Try to get the right communications going then just tell her.

How does that sound?

[annette]

Hi Shippo

It's always a hard thing to come out.
And....there is no easy way to do it.
There are things in life you can walk around, other things you have to walk trough, this is something you have to walk trough.

We all had your fears but, your family knows you as a person, you're still the same person when you've come out.
The only difference is you don't have to play a role anymore, it will give you more freedom.

It's a big step, I know, but if you want to come further, you need to do it.
Spacial wrote wise words, I should take her advice, start with one person who you trust for the most.

I wish you strenght.

Hugs
Annette

[ShippoFox]

Hmmm.... I might be a bit nervous about telling my mom in a public place. Also, I'm not sure what to do if she freaks out. I think I'd probably end up backing down or something....

I am 25, but I get scared because I look at pictures from a few years ago & it seems like my facial shape has already changed a lot since then. It may not be as big of a deal as it seems though. However... I might not be able to transition due to money problems anyway. Expecting my parents to pay for anything would be a mistake. I can only take any help they offer IF they offer it. I don't think I can ask for monetary help with this particular thing or it might make them less likely to be accepting.

And I have to admit it.... this seems so impossible. I'm almost worried I'll back down before I even say it.   
Part of my mind says "give up! this path is too difficult! find a way to enjoy being male!"
These thoughts are so hard to sort through.... 

[Double_Rainbow]

Ok, first things first!  Don't worry about being 25, now is a great age to start!  I'm turning 25 this month myself and just now starting, you are not alone! 

Can I suggest telling one of your friends first?  For me it was a lot easier to tell my friends than family members.  That will get you primed and ready to get the ball rolling even more.  I waited to tell one friend forever, but when I finally did...BOOM, I told another and another and soon after some family members.  It gets easier each time and its really just about making that first step to tell ONE person.

Just make sure you tell them how important this is to you and let them know the research you've done if they have questions.  Don't get too offended by some questions they ask, they're just trying to understand the situation.  If hostility arises, which I doubt it will, then just give them some space to cool down and talk when they're ready.

Hope that helps and good luck!  You can do it!

[ShippoFox]

Yup, I guess 25 isn't too old. I don't really have any friends to tell though. I haven't had any friends since high school & I'm not sure how to go about finding new friends. I am not good at being social. Too shy and such.

[spacial]

Yup, I guess 25 isn't too old. I don't really have any friends to tell though. I haven't had any friends since high school & I'm not sure how to go about finding new friends. I am not good at being social. Too shy and such.

I can't say for certain, but many if us have come to realise that we are that way because that's how we are made. We are never going to be the life and soul of any party and probably will hate if if it did happen.

But being a loner doesn't mean you can't have a life. Hell, once we came to terms with that reality, life just opened up. Once you stop trying to live up to an impossible ideal, a lot of problems just disappear.

[ShippoFox]

Yep, I am definitely not an amazingly social person. Lots of shyness and social anxiety here. It just would be nice to have some friends though.... I just don't know how to make that happen. I only ever had friends because people talked to me first, for the most part, but even then, I don't feel like I ever truly opened up to any of them. I never felt like I could completely be myself around them. I like to have privacy often, but I hate loneliness. It's a very delicate & complicated balance. I have some cool online friends who know more about me than anyone in my "real life", but guess what? They all live waaaaay too far away. I guess that's just the pros and cons of the internet. X_X

It's kinda odd. I think I'd do anything (almost, anyway) to have a whole week completely to myself.... or even just a day or a few days. However, I don't think I'd want to live all alone. I'm hoping I'll always have someone to live with, whether it's family, roommates, or someone more than just a friend (if that ever happens). If I ever do transition, it probably would be a bit unsafe to live alone anyway.  (transition still feels so unreal... like it'll never happen...)

[spacial]

I can't speak for you or anyone else, obiously, but once I stopped thinking of myself as shy, lacking confidence, lonely, I found myself living so much more.

The problem with notions such as shy and lacking confidence, is these are excuses for those that are sociable.

I am not sociable. I like people. I like life. But I share those parts of my life that make me confortable. I feel little need for approval or justfication from others.

I treat all with respect, as far as I am able. But once I knew myself, I was able to begin liking and respecting myself.

[Ann Onymous]

You are close enough to the age as I was when the formal decision to transition took place...however, by then I was long since out of the house and relatively entrenched in my career.  It was not a complete shock to their senses since they had taken me to a shrink just shy of a decade earlier during the period not long after I started hitting one of the lesbian bars (I was a baby dyke from WAAAAYYYYYY back).   

I never expected them to pay a penny (and admittedly, they never offered) and expected that I was going to have to bear the costs on my own.  I also did not expect them to provide a roof over my head if I were to lose my job (I didn't). 

The broader hurdle I had with them was that I had to basically come out twice in the same conversation- not only was I going to correct a transsexual medical condition but I was also lesbian.  So yeah, they got a double whammy that day.  Although many discussions soon followed on the issue of same-sex marriage, it never ceased to amaze me that they treated my now-ex's kid better than the kid's own grandparents did...   

[ShippoFox]

Errr.... but.... I do get lonely often. I don't have any friends. I do not have a lot of confidence. It would just be a lie to say I do. Lack of confidence and self-esteem may actually be my biggest problem. I wanna try to build  up confidence somehow, at least to some extent, but I'm not sure how. I need tips. And I definitely am very shy and socially anxious. I would not say I am sociable, but I would not quite say I am a loner either. I have times when I want to be left alone & times when I'd want nothing more than to spend time with a friend.

I generally don't like people. They are (in general) greedy and excessively judgmental. There are definitely exceptions though. Those exceptions are the people I'd like to be my friends. I am nice to people as long as they're nice too. I am also willing to give people second chances most of the time.

I don't need approval from everyone, but I need to know I'm not alone. I need to know someone will be there for me. At least a few people preferrably. I need to know someone's on my side.

I want to like life, but I don't. There are only a few good things in my life. I mean, that's better than nothing good at all, but it's not acceptable. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not suicidal, but I'm not, and that's a good thing. I want to live, even though my life sucks in general. I want things to get better.... not come to an end. But so far, I'm just stuck in a rut.

I do think "coming out" would be like a sort of double shock to everyone. For one, I am transgender obviously. Secondly, I am definitely not a "normal" sexual orientation. I'm something like biromantic semi-asexual.

Money.... ugh.... money ruins everything! I know I probably wouldn't be able to afford SRS for many lifetimes, but being TG is really expensive even without that! I feel like I'm too poor to ever be myself & I'm unsure if that will ever change. The idea of working as a guy just fills me with tons of anxiety for some reason. Working in general seems like it would suck, but for some reason it seems less bad if I didn't have to be a guy. Maybe because I'd just generally be happier and more able to deal with crap, or something like that?

I am trying to find a chance to talk to my mom, but it's hard to find a good opportunity. Hopefully I can find a way in the next few weeks rather than months. I'm also afraid I'll chicken out if I haven't gained enough confidence. Also still, I am unsure of what to say if she asks a question I can't answer, like how I was able to not realize my transgenderness for such a long time, and then how I was able to hide it for so long. I guess all I can do is be honest and explain that I don't quite understand myself. Explaining my sexual orientation will be a whole other mix of confusion too. I hope she would not manage to come up with other questions I'm unsure about.

Oh and I hope she won't be too deep in denial when I try to tell her.

[spacial]

Errr.... but.... I do get lonely often. I don't have any friends. I do not have a lot of confidence. It would just be a lie to say I do. Lack of confidence and self-esteem may actually be my biggest problem. I wanna try to build  up confidence somehow, at least to some extent, but I'm not sure how. I need tips. And I definitely am very shy and socially anxious. I would not say I am sociable, but I would not quite say I am a loner either. I have times when I want to be left alone & times when I'd want nothing more than to spend time with a friend.

I generally don't like people. They are (in general) greedy and excessively judgmental. There are definitely exceptions though. Those exceptions are the people I'd like to be my friends. I am nice to people as long as they're nice too. I am also willing to give people second chances most of the time.

I don't need approval from everyone, but I need to know I'm not alone. I need to know someone will be there for me. At least a few people preferrably. I need to know someone's on my side.

I want to like life, but I don't. There are only a few good things in my life. I mean, that's better than nothing good at all, but it's not acceptable. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not suicidal, but I'm not, and that's a good thing. I want to live, even though my life sucks in general. I want things to get better.... not come to an end. But so far, I'm just stuck in a rut.

ShippoFox.

I've selected this part because I believe it deserves comment.

Can I suggest that, if you start off, seeing yourself as failing to succeed in a social role, most of the other problems you describe will follow naturally?

But if you can see yourself as someone who isn't, by nature, a particularly sociable person, then you might begin to develop a different perspective on the other points.

Lonliness, for example, is being unfulfilled, socially. But could it be that your expectations are not part of who you are. Your expectations are going to be unfulfilled because you don't have the need to be particularly sociable.

If you find this perspective more comforting, you will naturally find yourself developing your own life. Others will see you as someone who is an individual, rather than one of the crowd. Gradually, you will attract casual social contact, then, eventually, a small number of close contacts.

Now please, don't get the idea that I'm suggesting you adopt this or any other approach. But I do, strongly, suggest you spend more time, getting to know what sort of person you are, as an individual, rather than seing yourself as being unsuccessful as part of some group.

I've chatted with you, on here, several times. I can honestly say that you come across as an easy going sort, not looking for conflict wit others and with some ideas of your own, regarding life itself.

Your assessment of people in general, isn't unusual. May I suggest it demonstrates an insight into people, rather than a problem with socialising?

Does any of this ring true for you?

I realise that many here do hold the perspective that transision is something that we should aim toward. I will support and defend any who take this approach.

But If I coud suggest that, while it should be a goal, your route might be better satisfied by taking a more individualistic route?

I see no reason why you must transision by adopting clothing and manners which will instantly identify you as being female. If I could turn my own clock back I would definately progress much more, while taking each stage as I felt confortable.  I see no reason why I should wear false breasts, for example, unless I chose to, in a given situation. Equaly, I see no reason why I should feel I had to wear a dress, unless that is what I chose.

While I would aim for hormones and hopefully, eventually, surgery, I would continue to dress and present, as I chose. That may be a dress, one day. I may even decide to wear pads. But equally, I might decide to wear trousers and let my shape develop as nature decides.

I saying this to offer some perspectives for points of discussion. I hope you will make your own comments.

[ShippoFox]

Lonliness, for example, is being unfulfilled, socially. But could it be that your expectations are not part of who you are. Your expectations are going to be unfulfilled because you don't have the need to be particularly sociable.

If you find this perspective more comforting, you will naturally find yourself developing your own life. Others will see you as someone who is an individual, rather than one of the crowd. Gradually, you will attract casual social contact, then, eventually, a small number of close contacts.

I understand your point, I think, but it's confusing me. I don't need to be social, but I do want to be to some extent.

Now please, don't get the idea that I'm suggesting you adopt this or any other approach. But I do, strongly, suggest you spend more time, getting to know what sort of person you are, as an individual, rather than seing yourself as being unsuccessful as part of some group.

I'm not trying to fit into a group. I just want a few friends. Friends who won't expect me to be a certain way. Unfair expectations suck.

I've chatted with you, on here, several times. I can honestly say that you come across as an easy going sort, not looking for conflict wit others and with some ideas of your own, regarding life itself.

I'd say that pretty much makes sense. I don't like to confront people, I kinda fear it most of the time, but I definitely have some strong opinions about life, society, and existence.

Your assessment of people in general, isn't unusual. May I suggest it demonstrates an insight into people, rather than a problem with socialising?

It feels like both though. I mean, it's definitely an insight into people. However, it makes it hard to find good people when everyone is a bunch of jerks.

But If I coud suggest that, while it should be a goal, your route might be better satisfied by taking a more individualistic route?

I am definitely myself. I don't do things because they're popular, nor do I avoid things because they're too popular. I do things because they're things I like. In that sense, I am an individual. I don't like the idea of being alone though.

I see no reason why you must transision by adopting clothing and manners which will instantly identify you as being female. If I could turn my own clock back I would definately progress much more, while taking each stage as I felt confortable.  I see no reason why I should wear false breasts, for example, unless I chose to, in a given situation. Equaly, I see no reason why I should feel I had to wear a dress, unless that is what I chose.

While I would aim for hormones and hopefully, eventually, surgery, I would continue to dress and present, as I chose. That may be a dress, one day. I may even decide to wear pads. But equally, I might decide to wear trousers and let my shape develop as nature decides.

But I really like cute clothes... dresses and such.  Not being able to wear them is one of the things I really hate about being male. (I hate my male parts, but I think I hate being stuck in the male gender role even more) I mean, I know transition would probably have to happen gradually, if I am able to do so at all.... but I'd wanna be able to wear dresses & such at home ASAP.

[spacial]

I think I have a better understand of where you're coming from ShippoFox. Please forgive me for going off on the wrong track.

Do you think, possibly, you're trapped in a cycle of isolation, because you have isolated yourself?

Let me give you an example.

You have needs and ambitions. But you found that these made it difficult to socialise. So, you withdrew, rather than sacrifice who you see yourself as being.

Now, can you possibly view your socialisation as something you need to learn how to do?

If you can, can you treat it as a period of sacrifice, so you can learn the skills you need to eventually be who you are, more openly?

There's an old addage, about not being popular enough to be different. The point of that is that society makes hierarchies. Those with the best positions can stand out, while the rest of us, need to stand in admiration.

Once you learn those social skills, you can move on.

Does this better fit into your view of things?

[ShippoFox]

I think I have a better understand of where you're coming from ShippoFox. Please forgive me for going off on the wrong track.

Do you think, possibly, you're trapped in a cycle of isolation, because you have isolated yourself?

Yep, that seems pretty accurate. I don't know how to break the cycle.

Let me give you an example.

You have needs and ambitions. But you found that these made it difficult to socialise. So, you withdrew, rather than sacrifice who you see yourself as being.

Definitely! Almost exactly correct!
It depends on what you mean by ambitions though. I mean, I'm not very motivated at all. My motivation hovers somewhere around 1%.

Now, can you possibly view your socialisation as something you need to learn how to do?

Yup, pretty much. Once again, it is hard to keep up the motivation, especially when I get so anxious about social situations.

If you can, can you treat it as a period of sacrifice, so you can learn the skills you need to eventually be who you are, more openly?

I... ummm... don't know? Can you explain that some more? I mostly understand, but what is the period of sacrifice? The time when I try to learn those skills? (if I can do it)

There's an old addage, about not being popular enough to be different. The point of that is that society makes hierarchies. Those with the best positions can stand out, while the rest of us, need to stand in admiration.

Once you learn those social skills, you can move on.

Does this better fit into your view of things?

Yep, mostly.

[spacial]

I... ummm... don't know? Can you explain that some more? I mostly understand, but what is the period of sacrifice? The time when I try to learn those skills? (if I can do it)

Let me take an analogy.

Imagine a young man who is gay. he knows he's gay.

Now, if those around him, discover he is gay, the males will immediatly assume he is after their bottoms and the women will assume he is some sort of off limits freak. This is a realistic seneraio.

But like everyone, this guy also needs friends. He needs to socialise.

So, he goes out and makes friends, but doesn't tell people he's gay. That doesn't mean he dates or tries to date girls. He is the same person he has always been, but puts his sexuality and his sexual needs, behind him for a time. So, he can learn the social skills we all need.

He can maintain his sanity by chatting to supportive people on the net.

Now, how does that translate to you?

Well, firstly, your situation isn't sexual, it's gender. Your situation is much more social than someone who is gay. But, a girl, who wears trousers, has a laugh with the guys and tries to see the funny side of farting is still a girl. If everyone thinks she is a boy and she lets them think that, she's still a girl.

What I'm saying is, you don't need to sacrifice who you are. You adapt yourself to your current situation.

It isn't important that people know you're a girl, or anything else. It doesn't matter what you look like. What matters is you can achieve this point in your life.

When you do eventually begin to settle down and feel more comfortable with yourself you will tell those whom you trust and have a laugh at those you don't.

And you have Susans'

[ShippoFox]

What you have said does make a ton of sense. I guess that's what I NEED to do.... but I sure don't WANT to do it. If it were easy, I'd have probably never isolated myself in the first place. I'd still be hanging out with my high school friends, maybe, rather than the reality that we never really talk at all anymore.

It makes me feel so fake. No one knows the real me inside my mind, so they have all these expectations that I can't meet. They make judgements of me based on the assumptions someone would make of any male in general. I end up feeling very anxious because of those judgements.

I recently ran into one of my friends from middle school somewhere a few weeks ago. We talked a little in HS, but not much. Anyway, this gives me the opportunity to re-establish a friendship, but... I'm so nervous about it. Part of me doesn't even want to do it. Part of me just wants to give up on life.

There's another problem. I don't even know where to make friends. School was a nightmare, but it provided the opportunity to meet people. Now, I just don't know. If I did know a place, then I'd still feel helpless there, all alone. 

Some people online have told me I should try anti-anxiety medications, but I don't want to do that. Anti-anxiety and antidepressant drugs scare me! I don't trust those things.

I really wish I could transition first, before trying to make friends and stuff, but I don't even know if I'll be able to afford transitioning ever. Sometimes I just hate money! It's nice to have it, but  many people never have enough, so it ruins everything!

I still don't even feel confident enough to tell anyone in my family. I'm trying to build that confidence, but it's not working. I don't know how.