Dating a recently post-op Tgirl

[windycindy]

I started dating a post-op Tgirl about a month ago. I'm crazy about her and feel very lucky to have met her, but I'm also feeling the pressure of being her first post-op experience with a GG. We have great sex, but afterward she always talks about how she thought that no one would possible want to be with her. I think that she means this as an expression of her relief, but what I hear with my heart is that I'll have to do, because no one else would want her. Her ex-wife is gorgeous, petite, athletic. She is the same. I'm slender and "easy on the eyes," but I'm not quite as athletic and I fit into the amazon category rather than the petite category.

So, today, I asked her whether she's just settling for me because of her belief that no one else would want her. What she heard in this question is that I'm not comfortable with her being out as a Tgirl. While it's true that I just trying figure everything out myself--I have no previous experience with a Tgirl and I am a semi-closeted bisexual lesbian--I admire her resolve to be out. I figure that I'll learn to deal with being more out myself as we go along.

The main issue, I think, is that we both are in states of transition and need to be careful with each other's heart.

Any advice about how to talk openly and honestly with each other and moved past our own insecurities would be appreciated.

[Brianna]

Dear windy,

You've got to understand about transsexuals - for our whole life what we see in the mirror is a lie. This goes along with low self esteem very easily. It's more normal by surgery to have your feelings straightened out - but it sounds like she isn't there yet.

I don't know. I never thought I'd pass. I thought transition would be the end of dating. I often worry that I'm just to scarred from this to love or be loved.

I'd talk to her openly and honestly. Let us know what she says from there, and we'd love to help you out.

Bri

ps- Stop by #chat sometime. We'd love to talk.

[Melissa]

Another thing to consider is that many times we are told over and over by people that we will never have a love life and to be prepared to be single forever.  Honestly, I don't really believe this about myself as I've had fairly good luck even being pre-op but I can understand your partner's surprise and relief at the fact that all the stuff she was told turned out to not be so.

Melissa

[Kim]

Ok, even though you have so far been given good advice I want to take it one step further here. I read your post a couple times and feel I may be able to help. I learned in my life skills therapy that a lot of people run into 'brick walls' due to improper communication and from reading your post I hear your brakes squealing and am just waiting for the crash after. Try this. Rather than just asking her if she's just settling with you, which will definitely put up her defense mechanism, try this. Tell her that when she says whatever her words are (and don't change her words,you must quote her exactly) you feel she's telling you that she's only settling with you because she feels she won't find anyone else. Then tell her how you truely feel about her and don't hold back and let her know what you desire in your relationship and let her know that you hope she feels the same way and that her being who she is don't matter with you. This is a safer route of communication than just asking her if she's just settling. This way let's her know wherre your question aroused from and should not put her on the defensive. Good luck,
                                                      Kim 

[BrandiOK]

  I think you are reading too much into her words.  Many times TS men and women are told over and over again that they will never be accepted as a "real" man or woman by a sexual partner.  It's simply accepted by the GG/GB community that we will all have a lifetime of loneliness because of being TS.  It's obviously not accurate but it can create a seed of doubt in those TS individuals minds.  A seed of doubt has a way of growing larger without even being noticed.  Your partner is relieved that those doubts have proven themselves without merit and it's a relief to her.  I don't believe her words are in anyway an expression of "settling" for you.  She's at a very unique stage in her life and it's gonna take some time for both of you to adjust. 

[windycindy]

Thank you all so very much for your responses. You helped me a lot. My girlfriend and I talked this evening and she told me that she isn't "settling" for me. In fact, she's starting to fall in love with me. This is wonderful news, because the feeling is mutual. I've been crying off and on all day because I was afraid to open up my heart. I'm still crying now, but out of happiness. I'm so fortunate to have found such a good-hearted, smart, and beautiful woman.