Coming out.. kinda :/ care to give me advice?

[Faith]

Howdy.. I've been lurking around for a couple of hours after trying to get some sleep for the second time this week :p and you guys seem to be a cheery bunch :]

I hope you don't mind the upcoming wall of text, I have nothing else to do at the moment..

Quick introduction, I'm (as far as I know..) a girl in a 22 year old man's body, living in South America, where transgender-related help groups are scarce and most people, including therapists, are narrow-minded about the subject, wee! -.- ..

So well, I should start at the beginning. Actually... it's kind of a long story, so I'll keep this part short.

All my life I've been feeling like I just don't fit in, had a few friends at school, never really wanted to go, dropped about 5 years ago. Finished doing some 'special exams'. The only significant thing I remember is that around that time I started googling "mind transfer" and "brain transfer" o.O, yep, I had the thought of being in the wrong body, wanting to be a girl and everything, I just didn't knew about the hormones and the surgeries and everything -.-
Also, I remember sneaking to mom's room when she wasn't around and trying out her clothes when I was about 5-8 years old.

Long story short, I became depressed after reading about it and realizing it might've been what I've felt my entire life. Told mom, she kinda freaked out, we went to see a therapist and a psychiatrist who, by the way, had no clue about what 'gender dysphoria' was. Got anti-depressants, felt stoned and dizzy all day. Met my current girlfriend, felt good for a while, then started having several breakdowns throughout the years. 4 years, yep.

Which brings me back here, present time.

I've tried studying for 4 years in a row, including this one, with no success. I just can't go out and do things anymore. I lost most of my friends. It's been tough. I spent my entire last week starving, wishing I could just drop dead. In all honesty, I'm too scared to actually do it. That's all I did, just wish and cry and cry some more.. until yesterday, I just said screw everything, it's either living with a sad face for the rest of my life or go with my guts.

(I actually spent like an hour writing some unintelligible stuff about my problems .___. I'll just do you a favor and delete that..)

Okay, so.. I wrote this 'thing' a couple of weeks ago. It pretty much sums up what I'm going through. I shortened it a bit, don't want you to end up reading this by tomorrow :p

I don't wanna do it because I think I wouldn't 'pass' after it. Sometimes I think I would, though.
If I think I'll 'pass' after it, I then worry about not being able to have children.
If I don't feel like doing anything at all right now, how could I want to have children?
My long-term wishes do not justify the lack of motivation.
In other words, I can't be with my girlfriend unless I study.
Apparently my brain does not link these two things. Study equals happy ending with her.
Or maybe it does.
I do not have the motivation to study, let alone do anything else. I could have many things if I had that motivation.
If I don't have the motivation, it must be because I'm not happy.

I'm unhappy because:
I think I'm in the wrong body.
I used to think I belonged to a different time, a different world.

I always think about wanting to be special when I'm not thinking about transitioning.
A part of me is childish and wishes I had superpowers or something like that. Stupid, I know.
I cannot take that as a reference even if I have done it on previous occasions.
If I had to choose between, let's say, being able to set things on fire and being in the 'right body', I would choose being in the right body.
(Even though setting things on fire would be pretty cool.)
Why? because no matter what I become, this world is not meant for people with 'super special magical powers' or anything regarding that nature.
I link those 'I-wanna-be-special' ideas with games and movies, which have greatly influenced me all over the course of my life.
I have never been influenced by anything nor anyone about the subject of me being in the wrong body.
If I ever become 'special', I'd like a purpose too, I'd like to have directions to follow, just like in a game.
Life's not a game, thus, I don't need to become something out of the ordinary in order to find peace.
I need to become something that I'd like to live in this world as. Something that would give me the motivation to live.
I've lost my will to live many times lately.
I don't know what to do, I don't want to continue studying, I don't wanna do anything.
Will changing give me the motivation I need?

Aaaand.. that's about all that's in my mind right now.
Currently, I'm either too scared to do it because "I'll change my body and will not know how I'll look after the whole process" or I'm depressed because of all the hard work I'd have to put up in order to get this to work. (Which I'd do, honestly, if I decided to go through with it.)

I don't even know why I wrote that thing up there, actually. Maybe just wanted you to know everything about me..
By the way, I already talked to a specialized therapist, and guess what, she told me I had gender dysphoria. Sometimes I wish she had said I was just crazy..

I don't wanna go through this all by myself. I told mom for the 3rd time, and she finally gave up and told me to do whatever made me happy. I plan on telling my girlfriend soon, don't know when exactly, as things are a bit tense right now. Almost every time we have sex, I like to picture myself as her, and try to feel what she'd be feeling at the moment. Needless to say, I feel like crap after we're finished. Right now, I'm currently depressed about all the things I have to do to get this thing going, because right now, I really, really wanna go through with it.

Well, if you managed to read through this gigantic wall of text and got here.. I have one more favor to ask. Help me..
I don't wanna go through with this alone. I'm scared and depressed for what's coming. Just tell me what you think about it, that'd make me feel much better. I just need to disregard everything that could make me change my mind. It's funny actually, I should be looking for positive things that would help me endure all of this, and instead I'm always looking for reasons to quit, yet I've not found nothing. Oh well.. enough of that. Tell me about your experiences, thoughts, anything u__u.

Thanks beforehand, I applaud the brave people who took the time to read my attempt of getting my feelings out by smashing keyboard keys while half-asleep/half-awake.

[spacial]

Well, if you managed to read through this gigantic wall of text and got here.. I have one more favor to ask. Help me..
I don't wanna go through with this alone. I'm scared and depressed for what's coming. Just tell me what you think about it, that'd make me feel much better. I just need to disregard everything that could make me change my mind. It's funny actually, I should be looking for positive things that would help me endure all of this, and instead I'm always looking for reasons to quit, yet I've not found nothing. Oh well.. enough of that. Tell me about your experiences, thoughts, anything u__u.

Thanks beforehand, I applaud the brave people who took the time to read my attempt of getting my feelings out by smashing keyboard keys while half-asleep/half-awake.

Hi Faith.

Really good to see you here and I know you will feel the same soon.

One thing I think we can say anout Susans' is that it will provide each of us with the intellectual tools and environment to find out where we are and where to go.

Really looking forward to more of your inputs. That pice you provided was really interesting and heart felt.

[Janet_Girl]

You can also seek out online therapists.  Doctors I am not sure how you would handle that.  Maybe try to go to college in another country, where there are better sources available.

[Faith]

There actually one single doctor here that does that kind of surgery, and therapists.. heh, I think there's no more than six in the whole country : p

But meh, I'm not here to whine after all :] I'll actually go and see a specialized psychiatrist on wednesday. I consider it my final step in making sure this is what I really want, even though I already know this is what I want and have been told by a therapist that I do have gender dysphoria -.-

Anyways, just wanna make sure I'm not crazy, heh.. any sort of criticism is welcome!

[Janet_Girl]

I have a saying that seems to work for me.

Of course I am crazy.  Who in their right mind would want to go through this.

But isn't better to be just a little crazy in an otherwise insane world.

[Faith]

Pretty nice saying, I must say :] I told that to mom earlier in the day, heh.

(Umm.. I don't wanna make a blog page out of this but.. I'm sorry, I kinda have no one else to talk to..)

So, mom does think I'm crazy after all. For the 3rd time this week, I told her to open up with me, tell me her feelings and what does she think about all of this. And so she did. She doesn't want to lose her 'boy', she's convinced I have some kind of depression tied to my dad's family's long genetic history. Yep, it runs in the family. So she thinks I'm just lazy, that not wanting to do anything at all is just some kind of depression coupled with lazyness.

I've really tried to make her understand that I'd like to go out, study, work, meet people and just.. live, but she always says (and I remember someone else who I met in a chat room telling me the same thing) "If you don't go out now, why would you do it after transitioning? don't expect that the fact of having such a radical change in your life will give you the motivation to do anything you haven't been able to do so far". That and "you're not gonna 'pass', life's gonna be rough, you're gonna mutilate your body, I'm not paying for anything". Meh.

Granted, it's a valid argument (not the last ones, obviously ¬¬), yet I tell her that every time I picture myself as a girl, I do it studying, working, going out, having fun, doing just about everything I can think of, even having sex! -.-

To summarize everything in a little something I wrote a few hours ago..

If I don't want to do anything right now, there must be a problem with me.
Identifying the problem is the usual thing to do in order to get a solution, so..
Can I just relax and think about what holds me back? what's the very first thing that comes to mind?
I'm in the wrong body. And I already know the solution to that problem.

The last thing I have to do before I can continue is think of other reasons why I could be like this. Maybe my mind's gotten it all wrong, maybe I'm just very depressed and see that as an escape route, maybe it's because fantasizing about that feels good, therefore it's better than my current reality.

But no matter how many questions I answer, there's one thing that always sticks. 'I' searched for this in the first place. I was the one who looked up 'brain transfer surgery' on google (yeah.. I know )  and felt inmediately identified with it. Normal males don't usually feel the need to be on the opposite sex, right? It just doesn't come that easily.

Well damn, I've actually been answering myself all this time. And yet I keep looking for things that I might regret later, with no success. Sorry for the wall-o-text again >__> I'd just like to hear about similar experiences..

And thanks once again for taking the time to read this troubled mind's awkward journey through life -.-