Am I transexual

[natalies]

Hi all,

I am really happy to find this place and it has given me a chance to explore myself. I am 32 and lead a str8 married life. I have a family, a job, commitments that I just can't walk away from. But, then there's the other side of me - that loves being a girl. I always ask myself a question - am I actually a transexual or just a horny male with high sex drive?

Ever since i remember, i have been attracted to women but it was never an attraction of taking them to bed, rather wanting to be like them. When i use to see women's breasts, I imagined myself having the same. I remember browsing through women's lingerie catalog and imaging dressing like one of them and as years went on, I actually started to cross dress. At that time, i never knew what being a transexual actually means. As years went on the urge for dressing up also increased. I started to wear undergarments to school and university to feel like i am a woman. First, I started off with fancy ones, then moved on to simple cotton ones and wearing them just made me feel very nice and comfortable. I use to try to imagine myself as another girl on the block and wearing the undergarments really gave me the feeling. Later on, I moved on to women's jeans that were not as body hugging but still were designed for women. I started to wear those and later on moved to unisex tees. I started to feel more comfortable in a woman's outfit. But at the end, I never came out of the closet. Then came the sex drive and attraction towards men. I wanted to dress like a woman and be with a man and when dressed, I started to find men attractive. I met a few, but too scared to take things any further. Realizing the guilt, many times I just threw out all the clothes, but later on ended up buying them again. I have also went out dressed a few times and it was like the greatest thrill. every time i went to malls or common places, i saw women and wished i was one of them. I could be like how they are, dress like how they are.

To stop all this, I played Tennis and started to take that seriously, and enjoyed playing scoccer that's like more of a man's game. But, I have always been a soft person and when other guys treated me nicely, I felt nice about it. Just sooo wierd.

To add to all this, I try to masturbate to get rid of all these feelings and it works, just to come back in a really short span. These days, the want to be a woman is more, I imagine myself as a wife, and wanting to meet a man who would treat me like a real woman. But, again are these just feelings of being horny, or am I really a transexual.

Unfortunately, there are no therapists in the area I live, so I am counting on you ladies to help me out.

Love.
Natalie

[Sephirah]

I'm afraid that no one can answer that question for you hon, with any degree of accuracy, except yourself. Part of being true to yourself is that no one but you has the right, or the necessary knowledge of you as a complete individual, to tell you who you are... and unfortunately that goes equally for times you want them to as when you'd rather they didn't.

Take a look around the site, read the thoughts and experiences of the members here, and see how much they tally with your own views and experiences. That may make things clearer within your own mind. You said it yourself, you have the chance now to explore yourself... this is what you need to do, and come to an answer within your own heart. We can offer support and advice on what to do with that answer, but there's only one person who can find it.

[Cindy]

Hi Natalies,

We are all different no matter our gender or are sexuality. And we all evolve. Many TG girls have tried very hard at being male. Been in the army etc, worked the 'male' jobs the 'male' sports. Some perfectly normal happy males like to wear female clothing and get great enjoyment from it from many different levels. There are many CD/TV people on this site who are great people and would share their opinions.  I think most of them, at this moment in time, our ever, never 'want' to be woman, except for fantasy times, which is perfectly fine..
There are others here, I am one as is Sephirah who are woman, we were born with a birth defect that made our Doctors and parents think we were male. It wasn't until later when our gender brains developed, which can be as young as 3 yrs old, that we realised that we were female. Of course no child 'knows' it's male or female until a certain age and that can be a long time, particularly for people in denial. The fight to be accepted in our societies can have enormous cost, often to people like us. We were not accepted, we were sickos etc. Society in general has become more accepting. With some major caveats, but we can get treatment, we can get our bodies at least looking OK, even if not functioning properly.

Where do you fit? No one can say. Therapists can help, but that is what they do, help.  There is a point for TG people (a term BTW most of us dislike, and one way of helping yourself is thinking why people like I dislike the term) that they cannot keep living the lie. At extreme emotional and financial cost we give it away and be ourselves.

I won't go any further. There is a heap of info here and just post and we will reply. Oh by the way two very important things. You are know family, there is no reason to be afraid or lonely, we are all here for each other. We are a support group. Second, I was not leaving my brothers out, they face the same problems from the other side of the fence, and universally I have found on this site as complete gentlemen, in the total true meaning of the word.

Hugs and Welcome

Cindy

[natalies]

Thanks Sephirah for that wonderful answer. Honestly what you have written down is true and I am the one who needs to decide what I am. But, here's what I am confused about?

If I admire women, want to be like one of them, do things they do ... would that make me a transexual. Because, to be honest, that's how I feel. If I see a few girls walking by or girls at my office, i wish I could be one of them. I would love to be addressed like a girl. If someone says, u have feminine hands (which i do), it makes me happy from inside. Are these traits of a transexual. I would love to transform my body into a woman, but what is holding me back are only commitments and family.

Love
Natalie.

[Sephirah]

Hmm, what you've described is merely one facet of a diamond.

Are the things you mentioned thoughts that many of the ladies here have? Yes. Are they the defining factor of what makes them who they are? That's a harder question and one which needs perhaps a deeper look inside yourself to ask yourself "why".

If I admire women, want to be like one of them, do things they do ... would that make me a transexual. Because, to be honest, that's how I feel. If I see a few girls walking by or girls at my office, i wish I could be one of them. I would love to be addressed like a girl. If someone says, u have feminine hands (which i do), it makes me happy from inside. Are these traits of a transexual.

You say you wish you could be one of them. Suppose your wish was granted, who would you be? Ask yourself that, and start from there.

When you close your eyes and see yourself, free from preconception, who do you see?

[Cindy]

Nice point

[natalies]

Thank you everyone for helping me out here...

To answer questions - when I close my eyes I see a girl next door image in myself. Just another everyday girl who works, has a bf / husband.
Who I want to be - well initially i always inspired of being a model (always excited about models on TV), but now I just want to be a simple girl. I do dress under my clothes or at times fully dress up, but I feel that is not enough. If I had a chance I would swap my male parts for female parts anyday.

I don't want to label myself with a tag, but yes the want to be a woman is always on my mind. To get the feeling, I have created a female email / facebook account, have a female identity, try to enact a female role to what ever it's possible.

Would this be classified as a transexual?

love
Natalie.

[Sephirah]

It seems to me, Natalie, that you've already answered your own question. *hug*

Read back over what you've written and ask yourself who you are, take labels and tags out of the equation for a moment and look over your posts, who is it you see yourself as more than anything? What have you mentioned over and over without probably even realising it?

There's something else to consider, and this occurs to me when you say who you see when you close your eyes: the nature of "I want to be" and "I am".

Which is it you really want to know, hon? To get to a destination you first need to know the starting point. You're doing great, keep going. How does it make you feel when you close your eyes and see that person? The everyday girl you describe?

[natalies]

Answering my own question - i would have not thought of that.

Yes, to answer your question - I am a girl and it feels nice to say it. Even though I am born a male and lead a male life, I am a girl and that feeling is next to nothing. It's just amazing. I have gone to an extent of creating an identity for myself. As I leave my house, my new identity takes on. Even though i do lead a str8 life at work, from inside I treat myself as a girl. I try to do things a woman's way. I guess, that means I am really a transexual. Am i right?

Natalie.

[Sephirah]

No hon, it means simply:

I am a girl and it feels nice to say it.

From your own lips. The way you deal with that will influence what terms other people may or may not use with regard to who you are and how you live your life, but you've already answered the essence of your question. You've given yourself a starting point. Where you go from here... is up to you Welcome to the site. *hug*

[natalies]

Thank you sooo very much and you helped me prove my point myself.

But, here's the concern I have - i have a family that is very traditional and commitments that I can't back out off. I tell myself, though I cannot be a girl I want to be, what best can i get. But, in doing this i feel guilty with myself. I guess I have to realize who I am and then move on right!

At this stage in life, if I am able to live ,the life of a girl in a part time way, I would be happy. But, in doing so, I feel gulty that I am cheating my family and closed ones. For sure, asking me to stop this is also impossible. In this scenario, what would be my best option?

Natalie.
P.S. Sephirah, thank you very much for your help. It's first time I am talking out to someone and feel a lot relaxed.

[Sephirah]

That's what I and everyone else is here for, hon, to help and support you in whatever you decide.

I think your best option would be to try and find a therapist who specialises in gender issues, and discuss all this with them. They may be able to offer you ideas and options you hadn't considered. All I would say is never tell yourself you cannot do something. At the very outside, add the little word "yet" to the mix. "I can't do this yet". Never close a door completely because you never know what life may have to offer you at some point in the future.

Also, have a look around at some of the other threads here. There are people from all different walks of life and stages of their personal journey on this site, and it's a good bet you will find similar situations and experiences to those you currently have. Getting some insight from how they dealt with challenges they faced may well give you insight on what your next steps could be.

Above all, relax and remember you're part of a community whereby you can be yourself and you have no time limit on what to do and when to do it. Take some time to explore the way you feel, in a safe environment, and what it all means to you. And you never know, as you did with this, you may well find the answers inside yourself to how your own journey can be best undertaken.

[Karynm8621]

I'd agree with these ladies that finding a gender specialized  therapist is most appropriate. They won't tell you who you are or what you need to do but they will help guide you into finding your own answers and then help you with those answers.

You say you want to be a girl "part time". It's kind of a vaque answer because it doesn't say nwhether living part time gives you what you need or part time is all you feel you are able to do because to go full time is a big change. It's certainly something you need to think about.

For me, I realized something wasn't right when I was around 5 years old. Because of my age (45) there wasn't a lot of resource or understanding of the subject. Knowing that this was considered taboo I learned ti hide it as best I can and play the part time roll. For me the part time roll was far worse than moving forward emotionally. I was a constant roller coaster of highs and lows.

We all have parallels in our stories of being trans but weall get there in our own ways and to varying degrees. No one story or thought can define where everyone fits in this. You simply have to figureout the degree of your own dysphoria and how you can appropriately manage it.

When I walked into my counselors office in Aug 2005, I went with the attitude "I'm here, fix this and tell me how to live with it" I had no intention of transition, only to get help. I did things in slow managed steps to see what worked forme and how I felt. Now, I'm a month and a half post operative.

Others live full-time without surgery, some part time. Some are simply happy to cross dress occasionally. You have to figure out what you need to be happy and emotionally stable.

[Megan Joanne]

How do you know what you are feeling is for real, that you really do feel like a woman inside, to your very soul, or is it just the fantasy, the excitement, the thought of it all that makes you think you want to be a woman. Just reading your posts gives me concern that you are confused regarding true feelings and fantasy. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but it seems that from your words that you are wanting to create a character not really yourself. Maybe I'm wrong. Either way, nothing wrong with how you feel, whether it be a need because you are deep down a woman, which if that's the case you'll know that eventually you will be leading a life as such, or it could grate on you for the rest of your life, or a desire because it pleases you in some other way, that even though you like to play dress up and act as a woman sometimes, perhaps going further and living full time would not be for you. Apparently you've already taken some steps of possibly leading a life as a woman, but to better prepare yourself, because there are so many questions weighing on your mind, find a therapist who is familiar with gender issues, though just like with posting here and talking with us, a therapist can't really tell you who you are, but could lead you to get a better understanding of yourself. And don't get hung up on labels, sounds like you really want to be convinced that you are transsexual, like you really want to hear a definite yes from someone, as if you are still very unsure of who you are, only you can know.

[rylielove]

transsexual? Not until you change your body teehee

As for transgender, all signs point to yes?... My story would be similar if I told it

You know what really helped me? Reading whipping girl by julia serrano and talking to a therapist, just having a 'real life' conversation not on the internet with someone and admitting to these feeling really helped

Good luck!!

[Karynm8621]

transsexual? Not until you change your body teehee

Not true IMO. I considered myself to be transsexual during my transition. It better described me directly than the umbrella term transgender. I no longer consider myself to be transsexual as I've aligned my body and mind now.

I remember when I first started it was very confusing for me. I "thought" I might be transsexual but felt like I needed someone else to confirm it and I felt a bit lost looking for that. It's possible that's what this is here, she is looking for affirmation of what she already believes. For me at that point I was actually afraid of hearing that I was in fact transsexual and kind of hoped that someone would listen to me and comfort me in not being what I feared.

[natalies]

Thank you ladies for the so considerate messages. It means a lot to me. Love u all.

Well, i know talking to a gender therapist would make things a lot easy for me, but unfortunately where I live - it's hard to find one. And I am stuck with the Internet research. Maybe I was a little vague in describing my situation and confused some of you. Let me try to explain it better.

Growing up, I have realized that I should have been a girl. I know that if I get a chance, I'll definitely go for it and alter my body to the best possible look. When I am alone and have time to think, it really frustrates me that I am stuck in a male's body and there's nothing I can do. I have a family, commitments and my heart just does not permit me to take a drastic step like that. In a way, I don't mind even if my marriage ends and I get a chance to relive my life and it would be a dream come true. But, reality is not that easy. And I also know, the day my family finds out who I am - it will end with a soul taste and it's going to effect people i love. So, that is where my problem lies.

At one end, I have a full time life as a man and then at the other end, the want to transform myself into a woman. For the first time, I met a guy who (although knows I am a man) treated me like a girl and it was like the best thing that ever happened to me. Being accepted as a woman was just amazing. I hope what I am saying here is a lot more clearer.

would love to hear your thoughts.
love
Natalie.

[Cindy]

Hi Natalies,

I think we all know what you mean and many of us have been there.

There are no easy decisions. They  all affect someone. In the end it is only your decision you can be true to. The  most useless statement in the english language is 'If only'. We make our own paths, we make our own mistakes.

If you can live with your commitments without bringing your family whatever into despair, that is fine.  For some (not I, I do not have family) it has been a case of do you want a live woman or a dead husband/father. Sadly that is what it gets too for many.

As you read through  the  you will see common threads of peoples lives. Struggling to keep going and finally often overwhelmed. Having to make a choice.

I was a very depressed miserable and lonely 'man'. I am a very happy woman with a wide circle of friends who is confident and outgoing, I love my life rather than wanting to end it.

Hugs

Cindy

[Karynm8621]

I was a very depressed miserable and lonely 'man'. I am a very happy woman with a wide circle of friends who is confident and outgoing, I love my life rather than wanting to end it.

Hugs

Cindy

For someone who is transsexual and feels they need to change this says it all beautifully. specifically "I love my life"

Cindy that's awesome!

I used to be a very pessimistic person, transition gave me the gift of optimism!

[lauren3332]

There is no one way to be a transsexal.  It is not like having a physical sickness like Bronchitis.  There is no checklist to determine if you are a transsexual.  It is just how you feel.  You don't have to be into girly stuff in order to be considered a TS.  If you want others to respond to the fact that you are a girl and enjoy being referred to as a girl, then I would say you are at least a probable transsexual.  The only other question you should ask yourself is, do you only like being referred to as a girl only part of the time, or do you want to be referred to as a girl all of the time?  Do you desire to engage in the world as a girl?  If your convictions are strong, then everything else doesn't matter.  You would still be girl even if you did things like build log cabins, smoked cigars, or went to monster truck shows.  You can still do the things you love as a man, but do them as a girl.