Alrighty, I tend to have a hard time organizing my thoughts when posting on the internet, which is why I usually just lurk. However, I think I'll give this a shot.
I'm 18 years old. I've been lurking on these forums for about five months, I think.
I have a problem.
As a kid, I've always been an outcast, but on the occasion I did have close friends, it was often with a group of girls. Usually goths, for whatever reason. The point is that I had an easier time associating with girls than other guys. Around freshman year of high school. I started to feel like something was very wrong with me, like a notion. For about a week. Not long after that, I would occasionally have instances where I would think of myself, and instead of a guy, I was a girl. Same way I look now, kinda. I had a huge urge to see if I could actually look like that. Fought it for a long time. Then I just, went into the shower, shaved and such. Than I tried on some of the leftover clothes we had in our house. (We have had a lot of my moms friends visit, and just leave a lot of the stuff in bags up in my closet.) It was actually pretty decent, in my opinion. I have a very girlish frame. Thin arms for a guy, really small hands, etc. The only major thing was my hair, which I had cut short at the time, and the fact that I'm 6,3. So there was an awe struck moment of me seeing this. Then I just went back to regular average life.
Couple months later. I started having dreams where I was a girl. It got to the point where I'm never a guy in dreams anymore. It would even still feel like I was when I woke up. So I started looking into it on the internet. (What a useful tool) Started looking into the transexxual stuff, found out about the surgery for it, and at first, I NEEDED that stuff. Then I found out about all the stuff one must give up, and go through to get it. Which was discouraging, but my desire persisted. Then one day, the urgency was gone. I could see myself as a guy, and it honestly didn't bother me. I took it as some kind of problem with my brain, maybe surfacing because I have never been interested in sex, or something like that.
So that lasted for awhile, then it is back to dreams where I am a girl. and my personality feels like im a girl, and this body is not right. Made a whole plan to go see a therapist, was ecstatic. Then the day after that, back to the male perspective. I'm happy with my body the way it is, why would I go through all that trouble to disfigure myself?
It's at a point now where it is alternating every day. Occasionally, like once a month, I will have a day where it flips back and forth every hour. I looked into androgyny(sp?) Which makes sense I guess, but having a label for it really doesn't help, and I don't want to be a mix. When I feel like a girl, I feel like I am completly.
So... I just was wondering what the hell is wrong with me, and what I should do about it. I don't want to see a therapist about it right now, as I am currently low on the monies, and I sleep on the couch in my mothers apartment. Paying rent, so I guess I am not a complete low life ^^;;
Huh, these forums don't have spell checkers. Hope I didn't fail too badly.
