Scared stiff

[Tiff]

I know I will have to end up coming out one day and am simply terrified by the thought of it. My family is very religious and I am fairly certain they will not accept me and I will end up having no family at all. I have been reading some of the other girl's stories here and it does instill at least some hope that it might work out. For now, I can't even think about taking that step and not sure how to get over the trembling fear I have about it.

[Princess Rachel]

fear kept me hidden for over 30 years, look at it this way: if God made humanity as part of his inefible (sp?) plan then did he not make you the way you are for a reason?

[Mika]

I am in a somewhat similar situation. I am not out to my very religious family. My father is an ordained pastor, actually.

I am an atheist, but I grew up with a Christian education, and these may or may not be useful to you in your explanation.

-the only two anti-transsexual scriptures and their reubuttals:

Deut 23:1
"No one whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the Lord."

- This Scripture is sometimes used to justify transphobia. However, from a literary perspective, it is fulfilled by the death of Christ on the cross in the New Testament, just as all the covering laws, code of the clean and unclean, and the sacrificial rituals of the OT were fulfilled.

Deut 22:5
"A woman shall not wear a man's apparel, nor shall a man put on a woman's garment; for whoever does such things is abhorrent to the Lord your God."

- This needs no rebuttal if your parents accept that you ARE a woman, not a man behaving "like" a woman. But, I will include a rebuttal if you are not so successful with them immediately. My argument is that cultural gender codes for dress vary between region, culture, and time period, and obeying this scripture is relative. Perhaps siting the prevalence of gender variance among cultures and time periods would be helpful.

Many contemporary Christians do not affirm the Old Testament. If this is the case, you can point out that no NT scripture condemns transgender or transsexual identities. In fact, two NT scriptures contradict Deut 23:1

Matthew 19:12
12For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let anyone accept this who can."

Isaiah 56:4-5
4For thus says the Lord: To the eunuchs who keep my sabbaths, who choose the things that please me and hold fast my covenant, 5I will give, in my house and within my walls, a monument and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off.

Perhaps the most important distinction you could make would be to explain in clear terms that gender identity/expression and sexual orientation are distinct categories and are not the same. A common misconception, especially among religiously motivated bigots, is that transsexuality is an extreme form of homosexuality. If you can explain this distinction, you may get far.

Even in the case that your parents do not accept your gender identity, they can be civil and loving. They are commanded not to judge you, and believe their god will forgive you of all your sins and love you unconditionally.

Best of luck.

[Tiff]

Thank you Mikah! I might have to use that info you wrote at a future date.

[Sarah B]

Hi Mikah

Absolutely brilliiant

I am in a somewhat similar situation. I am not out to my very religious family. My father is an ordained pastor, actually.

I am an atheist, but I grew up with a Christian education, and these may or may not be useful to you in your explanation.

-the only two anti-transsexual scriptures and their reubuttals:

Deut 23:1
"No one whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the Lord."

- This Scripture is sometimes used to justify transphobia. However, from a literary perspective, it is fulfilled by the death of Christ on the cross in the New Testament, just as all the covering laws, code of the clean and unclean, and the sacrificial rituals of the OT were fulfilled.

Deut 22:5
"A woman shall not wear a man's apparel, nor shall a man put on a woman's garment; for whoever does such things is abhorrent to the Lord your God."

- This needs no rebuttal if your parents accept that you ARE a woman, not a man behaving "like" a woman. But, I will include a rebuttal if you are not so successful with them immediately. My argument is that cultural gender codes for dress vary between region, culture, and time period, and obeying this scripture is relative. Perhaps siting the prevalence of gender variance among cultures and time periods would be helpful.

Many contemporary Christians do not affirm the Old Testament. If this is the case, you can point out that no NT scripture condemns transgender or transsexual identities. In fact, two NT scriptures contradict Deut 23:1

Matthew 19:12
12For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let anyone accept this who can."

Isaiah 56:4-5
4For thus says the Lord: To the eunuchs who keep my sabbaths, who choose the things that please me and hold fast my covenant, 5I will give, in my house and within my walls, a monument and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off.

Perhaps the most important distinction you could make would be to explain in clear terms that gender identity/expression and sexual orientation are distinct categories and are not the same. A common misconception, especially among religiously motivated bigots, is that transsexuality is an extreme form of homosexuality. If you can explain this distinction, you may get far.

Even in the case that your parents do not accept your gender identity, they can be civil and loving. They are commanded not to judge you, and believe their god will forgive you of all your sins and love you unconditionally.

Best of luck.

Warm regards
Sarah B

[Mika]

I'm glad this may be helpful information for you

I had to take a lot formal scripture classes in high school in addition to my father's daily theology lessons lol, and I'm more than willing to put that to a better use than taking up brain space. If you have questions or concerns that I could potentially be helpful with, don't hesitate to send me a PM or continue this thread 

At the least, I can commiserate about bigoted religious parents :/

[annette]

Hi Tiff

It makes me so said that people have to play a role just for satisfaction of others.
We are living in the 21 th century not in the time that Jezus lived.
Things have changed and also religious people have to accept this.
Religion is for yourself not for telling others how they have to live.

I know you're affraid, but doing nothing is just a waste of time, while living in thee wrong gender.
We all had to make a battle with relatives, sometime it works out the good way and sometimes the bad way.
But, one way or another, you have to live your own life, the way you feel good with.

One day you'll find the courage, honey.
That day will be when you are more affraid to live in the role you're playing than to tell.

Till that day you will have our support to reach that point.

hugs
Annette

[Becka]

I'll add a scriptural interpretation I found on another blog the other day to Mikah's contribution:

----
Mark 14 : 13, 14 "So he sent two of his disciples, telling them, "Go into the city, and a man carrying a jar of water will meet you. Follow him. Say to the owner of the house he enters, 'The Teacher asks: Where is my guest room, where I may eat the Passover with my disciples?"

I have wondered this—"How are the disciples supposed to go to a crowded city and spot a man carrying a water jar and on this finding of  the man rests the safety and sacredness of the Last Supper?"  Playing "Where's Waldo ?" to ensure the last night of Jesus' freedom?  Pretty risky hunt.  It gets read every Good Friday; I have heard it repeated.  With thinking  now sensitized to gender roles and sexual orientation issues, I read about the culture of the times.  (I am a fan of reading in the culture of the writing and not limiting my mind to what I think something says.)

The custom of carrying water in the Holy Land is and  was  the woman's job.  She was to go to the well or spring with a pitcher and carry the water home. When the Gibeonites deceived Joshua , he judged them and made them servants to chop wood and carry water. This punishment may seem insignificant to us, but it was terribly humiliating  to a man—carrying water in public—that was a woman's job.  He could carry a "skin" of water, but the word here is jar.  Knowing this, it is easier to see how  the disciples could identify the man in a crowded city carrying a water jar.  I can easily think of him as a "sexually other", a man with female gender traits.  The disciples followed the jar carrier home and the Passover was held in the home where he lived.  I don't think that Jesus would have this important meal in the home of an owner who was humiliating a person by subjecting them to a woman's task.  This was probably no dishonor in this relationship whatever it may have been.
---

The blog was/is by Kathy Baldock.   It's an interesting interpretation in that is draws to a possible position that persons who might have been or were perceived as gender variant were recognized and not necessarily shunned.  It's something that can be brought up as a point or counterpoint.   I'm going to do more reading of my own, but it's a good jumping off point. 

[Mika]

Becka: I never made that connection when I heard/read that story before. That's interesting.

Also, another obstacle I've encountered frequently when explaining trans issues and my own identity to Christians is the "god doesn't make mistakes" line of reasoning. It's really a last flimsy wall for most people, before their transphobia is left naked of religious justification. If you feel comfortable making the analogy of a congenital birth defect, it has been helpful. Basically, the idea is that if god doesn't make mistakes, then we wouldn't need other corrective surgeries. Just as many Christians believe god works through medicine to heal the sick, god works through transition technology to heal bodies and pacify minds for trans people who so desire. Being born trans is just another trial, your cross to bear: not a temptation to resist, but suffering to be overcome to mature and move from glory to glory. Explain that it is very difficult, that you did not ask for this trial. But to deny yourself is to deny who you are, and how, in their world view, you were created.

No one should ever have to justify their identity to anyone else, especially bigoted people. But it can be helpful to have a foundation to explain patiently and in terms they will understand.

[Tiff]

I'm glad this may be helpful information for you

I had to take a lot formal scripture classes in high school in addition to my father's daily theology lessons lol, and I'm more than willing to put that to a better use than taking up brain space. If you have questions or concerns that I could potentially be helpful with, don't hesitate to send me a PM or continue this thread 

At the least, I can commiserate about bigoted religious parents :/

Did you use this method of quotes with your family? Did they accept you?

[Tiff]

Hi Tiff

It makes me so said that people have to play a role just for satisfaction of others.
We are living in the 21 th century not in the time that Jezus lived.
Things have changed and also religious people have to accept this.
Religion is for yourself not for telling others how they have to live.

I know you're affraid, but doing nothing is just a waste of time, while living in thee wrong gender.
We all had to make a battle with relatives, sometime it works out the good way and sometimes the bad way.
But, one way or another, you have to live your own life, the way you feel good with.

One day you'll find the courage, honey.
That day will be when you are more affraid to live in the role you're playing than to tell.

Till that day you will have our support to reach that point.

hugs
Annette

I know I am going to have to build courage. But if I don't do it then I may not survive. So, I am not sure if you can even call it courage if you are doing something to save your life.

[Mika]

Tiff-

I haven't directly come out to my parents about my gender stuff. I came out as a lesbian in October (not exactly accurate, but the point is I like girls), and they took it pretty badly. They are very homophobic and transphobic. But they actually have gotten much better over the course of this year, and my dad recently told me that I have taught him a certain level of tolerance. I'll take the little victories. I talked to my mom about my gender expression (not identity) in December, and she was very supportive, and to my surprise she bought me men's PJ's for Christmas. My dad isn't as understanding, but honestly they have thus far treated me with a reasonable level of respect (except when my dad referred to a cute, fully clothed picture of my SO and I as "pornography"). I plan to come out to my parents about my gender stuff in June, and I plan on using this information as part of my introduction. When I get there, I'll be sure to post how it goes.

I put this and other information together when I came out to my very religious best friend. I can't say it went well, unfortunately, but she is known for her stubbornness. It has helped me explain these issues to my sister and two of my other religious friends, and those experiences went very well, so I never think religious people are lost causes on trans issues necessarily. At the least, in my experience, most people become at least tolerant and respectful over time if they have known you so long.

[Mika]

I know I am going to have to build courage. But if I don't do it then I may not survive. So, I am not sure if you can even call it courage if you are doing something to save your life.

It takes courage to chose to survive.

[annette]

Yes sweetie, it takes courage.
You know, you are telling your deepest secret to others.
It's like a feeling you're naked in a room with decent clothed people.
You're very vulnerable than, and it takes a lot of courage to do something like this.

On the other hand, when you've done this, you feel a lot stronger.
Take your time for it, honey.
But remember, it's your life and nobody is allowed to tell you how to live it, only you.

hugs
Annette

[Cindy]

From many posts, people are very nervous about 'coming out' to parents and family. I came out to my parents when I was 13, and Mikah, Dad was a Roman Catholic Priest with Papal dispensation to be a Priest following marriage . It didn't go well. My sisters had no problem. They thought M&D were nuts. Particularly Mum who equated any 'sexual or gender difference' to indicate paedophilia. Never knew why. But I was told to go to confession for god's forgiveness. Never went, gave up religion at that point. I was strong willed young lady.  Left home at about 18, went to University and left the country to live in Australia.
Now a days things are different. I suppose if you are in Puritan USA or strict Islamic countries (seems strange they have such similar opinions) it may be different but in the real world people seem to be a lot more liberal. I have no problems presenting in every day life. I get some looks and avoid dangerous areas, as do any sensible women. But otherwise there have been no problems.

Good luck, but at some point we need to live our lives. And I know of no Goddess who didn't want me to be me.

I'll avoid any religious discussion as I have no religious feelings and I'm very happy for others to have them.

The only quote I have about the Bible is from Gordon Bennett Jr, who after being bet to read the Bible he did, his quote was " God's a Thug" or words to that effect, I don't remember correct  the quote, sorry.

Cindy 

[Jayne]

I  understand your fear as I took the step of coming out a few months ago, my family are struggling to come to terms with this but I needed to do it for the sake of my sanity.
The only way I could do it was to phone my mum & tell her I needed her to come to my flat as I had some important news for her, once i'd backed myself into a corner I couldn't chicken out as i've always done.
My mum still keeps buying me male clothes as she always has in fact she seems to be doing this more now than ever.

Last week she told me that she's struggling to come to terms with this & can't picture me as a woman (i've told her not to try & to just accept the gradual changes as they happen) but she said that she wont let this cause a rift between us.
I can't help with the relious side of your dilema as my family is athiest but the other posters have made some brilliant points.

I wish you all the best