This heat will be the end of me

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Its almost like reverse seasonal depression or something, except I know why summer is a death sentence to me.
No one understands why I get so upset over it being hot (its 95 today).
Then they'll switch the conversation to swimming and I just shut up and tune out, cause I can't even listen to that.

I'd like to see them wear layers of skin tight compression material that stretches out with heat and moisture just makes it stretch out more. On top of that it digs into you and leaves scars and constricts your breathing. Then it never fully dries while you're wearing it, so you have cold chills. And if it stretches out too much it will get loose and reveal things that no one can find out about, so you walk around in perpetual fear/paranoia that somehow they'll stretch and your secret will be known, thereby losing your job, pride, everything.

But you have to wear it, you have no choice. Walk around like you're just another human being who can strip down to a beater, or go swimming, or wear barely anything in the 100 degree factory at work.
I want to give everyone this burden, just so they know how it feels.
In the words of a friend of mine, a MTF:

I have never wanted anything more in this wretched life than to be a normal, happy [___]. The dysphoria of being stuck in the wrong body is the worst feeling that I have ever experienced. It is like the most horrible, suffocating feeling of claustrophobia in your own body combined with the most crushing feelings of self-disgust and an intense, overwhelming feeling of envy of most [___] I see while online and out in the world. The envy is the worst part.

Quite frankly, the heat drives me into a depression where I feel suicidal, and I alerady feel suicidal on a normal basis.

[Squirrel698]

You always seem suicidal Zombie.  I admit when you don't post often enough I get worried about you.

I don't suppose you've considered going with a lighter-weight binder? 

I know there is no way you will hear me but I'll say it anyway.  If people don't expect breasts on you then they won't see them, even if you do have bumps.  Your binder is leaving scars?  Dude, you are doing it wrong!

This is a nice one.
http://www.peecockproducts.com/index.php?_a=viewProd&productId=5

As is this one.
http://www.peecockproducts.com/index.php?_a=viewProd&productId=16

I go swimming in a teeshirt above a binder with swim-trunks and it works out for me.  You know the only way people are going to understand how you feel is if you tell them in a nonconfrontational manner. 

Okay listen this is your burden to bear.  It sucks, yes but everyone has something that is weighing them down.  The point is to confront it and than rise above it. 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I work in a place where I CAN'T say anything about this at all. For 12hrs a day. I don't even say anything to people I meet outside of work cause I can't stand to think about it, really. But work is an absolute no-no.

I wear two tri tops at a time, cause they're the only ones I've found to get me as flat as I'll accept. I'm very anal about how my chest looks. My boss has commented on my lack of an adam's apple and "feminine features". People pick on eachother all the time there, that's just how it is. I'm not sure if he was kidding or not, but I can't risk giving them yet another thing to pick on me about. If they found out, I couldn't work there anymore.

[sascraps]

Uhh you ain't kiddin'! And I don't even own or wear a binder and I'm dying outside in this Sahara desert heat just in a t-shirt and shorts. The a/c in my car doesn't put anything out and the really sad part is it's hotter with the windows down than with them up! I just had to go get my fruits & veggies for the next few days and got bitched out because I didn't bring home Klondike bars for my grandmother who's diabetic and doesn't need them anyway. And she thinks I'm just selfish for not buying her something - never mind that it would be pure liquid in the 10-15 minutes it takes me to get home in 100 degree heat in a hot black car with no a/c.  God I hate summer!!! We have a pool here in the complex for the residents, but it's in full sun with no shade so I can't see going out there and roasting in warm water with the sun beating down on my head. I wish they'd allow it to be open after dark but they lock it up at 8pm so there's no chance to swim when it's not a million degrees out.

[Adio]

I hate the heat as well, but I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you, ZAP.

I realize that you can't talk to anyone at work, but do you have anyone else in your life offline to share these feelings with?  Like Paul/Squirrel, I get worried when you don't post for a while.

Would it be possible to look for another job?  I know that you feel validated working at a job with all men, but if it causes you such stress, it might be time to move on.  With this economy, I realize that will be difficult but having several months of experience with this job could help you in another.  Is there a desk position (at your current job) that you could take during the hotter months?

[Cyndigurl45]

Do a google search for Ice Gear, it's what I wear in guy mode (very rarely BTW )

[Robert Scott]

I totally get you dude....I was so hopefully I wasn't going to spend another summer binding but doesn't seem to be in the works for me.


I found wearing a cool wet bandana or something like that on my head works.  A couple times I have worn a ball camp with an ice pack under it.  Drink lots of water - wouldn't be good for you to pass out from dehydration.

[Nemo]

This is why I'm dreading my brother's wedding. Few days after my birthday, which is in August. I've been asked to be usher, which means a tux job. So I'm faced with binder, dress shirt, waistcoat, suit jacket - in mid-August. Unless I'm incredibly lucky and get surgery booked by the beginning of the month, I'm gonna cook XP

Although to take some of the heat off, I have this on the way:

http://www.lesloveboat.com/shop/product_info.php?cPath=77_94&products_id=200

Maybe give that a go, ZAP? It's adjustable - but please, be careful how tight you pull it x_x

[Elijah3291]

hey man, I know how you are about binding, and I know that you get very dysphoric about it, and there is no chance of you binding less, and thats ok, you do what you have to do to be ok with it, just take that ->-bleeped-<- off when you get home though, seriously, go somewhere private and just chill, let your skin breathe and just zone it all out.  you are binding to the point of scarring, thats not good, at least give your body a break when you are home.

I know you are angry about all of this, I am too, but for now, you have to deal with it and continue on knowing that this will NOT be forever.  It is temporary, use that to help you go on, live for tomorrow if not for today.

I think I already mentioned this to you, my friend has a tattoo, it says "life places the heaviest burden on those who can bear its weight" so use your disadvantages to remind yourself that you are stronger, you are a stronger man then most, you and all of us have dealt with more, and we will come out appreciating it all more, because we had to work for it.

There will come a day when you can go outside in the heat, pull off your shirt and walk in confidence, but now is not that day.  just remind yourself that, that day will come, and it will be glorious, and you will look back at all this ->-bleeped-<- now and be so glad you made it though and suffered though all of it.  We will get there, I know you can make it, start saving, we have talked about money before, i know you can manage it.  use your anger and frustration to start something, turn it into determination.

[PandaValentine]

Couldn't agree more. My mum always gets on my case about having a pool and not using it, or just tells me not to wear the binder if it's uncomfortable/so hot. It's either I wear the binder or somebody notices the breasts and I come home to slit my wrists and drown in a bathtub of my own blood. Ever since I got a these damn chest tumors, I dread the summer time. I think some people find it easier to cope, but another portion of us will do anything to make sure even those who know we've got a chest, do not see them.

Honestly I wanted to move to Alaska or something just to get away from all the heat...and I'm from Canada so it's not like its hot ALL the time!

Do you wear anything under your binders? Maybe it will stop the material from rubbing into the skin? Although that might just make it even hotter, which sucks. I mean it's hard to have a solution for this problem, our only real solution is top surgery. Life is ->-bleeped-<- right? At least we got a bunch of people hear to deal with the ->-bleeped-<- with us... I don't know if that makes it better, or worse to know more people have to feel this way. Hmm this depressing topic is really contagious. I thankfully have a reason to avoid being out all summer with hopefully a hysterectomy coming up and pain so I sit around all day without a binder, which I don't even like doing despite that it's only me. I think I spend at least two hours every day walking in front of the mirror, pulling up my shirt, and holding down my chest until it looks flat. It's rather depressing when I think about how I spend my time...

Anyways good luck dealing with the summer, and I really hope you don't follow through on any disturbing thoughts of suicide. I mean one day you'll have those horrible lumps removed like the cancer they are.

[notyouraverageguy]

I know how you are about your chest, and binding, and no one is going to change how you go about it. Because that's just you and how you are, and I understand that.

I agree with maybe trying to swtich jobs, but I think that's just how some men are. They degrade others to make themselves feel better.

So here's my advice, try really really hard to take all this negative energy and turn it into positive. Look back and reflect, on how far you've come on this journey. You're on T, a lot of guys aren't even close to getting T. It has helped you in many ways, I remember I think we even notcied changes within the first month for you. Pay attention to how much you've changed physically, how much more masculine you sound and look. The muscle or hair you've gained. All you have accolplished that you have dreamed of.
A lot of the times we worry about things that no one else notices. Why? Because we are our own worst critics. Worrying gets us no where, so we have to try and push all those thoughts out the window. Its hard, I know..but you can take this and turn it around.
Keep your head up, man. If you stay strong and pull through this than you can take on anything.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

"alot of the time we worry about things that no one else notices"
This is probably true, yet I still drive myself mad over it.
No, I don't wear anything under my binders. It makes it hotter and shifts things around more.
No, there's no way I can change jobs right now. Its a steel factory...there are no desk jobs. Basically if I get a job where I'm standing still infront of a fan, I'm damn lucky. If I don't well, I have to deal. Its the highest paying job I can find right now with the most hours, and I seriously have to stop hoarding money and just start living like an almost hobo in order to throw money in my savings for surgery.

I don't have anyone in person to talk to stuff about, except one guy who lives an hour away. My roommate knows about me, he's known me for a couple years and we're really close. But I still hate being around him without binders on, and I have a secret deep hatred for him when I see him walk around shirtless, but I'm not gonna tell him that. I know that all my thoughts of suicide are related to dysphoria. All of them. Right now I still have alot of chafing and crap on the head of my dick, been putting a&d ointment on it to help it, people use it for diaper rash too. So its like pain...sweating...pain. And for some reason, I'm still kicking. Some days I wonder how, or why.

Oh and thanks for the link to Ice Gear....it doesn't look like its made of strong enough material to do anything for me though.

[Squirrel698]

I know that all my thoughts of suicide are related to dysphoria. All of them. ...  And for some reason, I'm still kicking. Some days I wonder how, or why.

Yes that and borderline personality disorder just right out of the gate.  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/  You most likely have more than that.  Plus a shocking attitude of ungratefulness that could rock the ages.

It seems that soothing you is having no effect so try this on for size.  You, Zombie, are unbelievably lucky.  Insanely lucky beyond words.  You are so so lucky to be born into a country that even allows you the chance to wear binders.  One that gives you a way to express the gender you have inside through hormone treatments and appearance.   

Iran President Ahmadinejad's  "In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country" without a doubt applies to transgender people as well.  Yet they still exist in Iran despite the President's grand disillusions.  Only it is so much harder for them.  Families there do more than just object, they outright kill their child rather than risk shame.  While the government looks the other way.

So your answer to is that you would kill yourself if you couldn't wear binders.  Fantastic.  You would throw away the most precious gift of all, which is life.  So many guys your age, my age, are dying of cancer, of AIDS, are killed in accidents.  You have your health.  You are alive.  Stop taking that for granted.

Not only that you have a very high chance of becoming exactly who you want to be.  Yes it will take time but time that is worth it!  If you keep at it eventually everything will happen for you.     

Stop being such a winy little bitch and start appreciating all the wonderful things you have.  All the opportunity is within your reach.  Be glad for it.  Look at this as an adventure, a journey, instead of another day in hell.  You are not in hell.  Not even close.   

[zombiesarepeaceful]

To that, I quote what I always do in response to things like "but people have it worse"

"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have." — Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)


Also, I don't consider life the most wonderful gift of all. Granted you see me as a bitter ->-bleeped-<-, as do most people I meet. that's fine. But I have my reasons, and you have your reasons for being you. Just cause some kid in iran has it worse, doesn't change anything or make me feel like I should be more grateful.

I'm not BPD. I do have diagnosises, but they're not borderline personality disorder. I think BPD is a bunch of vague symptoms that could happen to a perfectly healthy invididual under stress, or anyone....and is a load of crap.

[pretty]

Iran President Ahmadinejad's  "In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country" without a doubt applies to transgender people as well.  Yet they still exist in Iran despite the President's grand disillusions.  Only it is so much harder for them.  Families there do more than just object, they outright kill their child rather than risk shame.  While the government looks the other way.

I just want to mention that Iran is pretty decent to transsexuals compared to how they are towards homosexuals, IIRC the government there pays for HRT and SRS.  I have only heard of this in the context of MTF transsexuals, though, and I am not sure how FTMs are treated.

It seems kind of strange but I guess different cultures tend to see things in different ways.

As for the original topic, OP, I understand that it's no fun, but I think you need to do more to accomodate your situation instead of just accepting it as your only option. It makes much more sense to say, move somewhere colder and start over instead of killing yourself. Or maybe it's time to look for a more suitable job. The basic idea is that nothing will change if you don't make it happen, and it's easier to feel sorry for yourself and be the victim than to actually work to improve your situation.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I'm doing all I can to improve my situation. I'm working as much as possible to save up money. I can't move somewhere colder, cause I don't have the money or means to be moving and start over. I've tried that before. It costs money to move, and I need to save up all money. There's not much for job opportunities here, I'm lucky I have the one I have.

I don't see myself entirely as a victim. I've fought like hell to have what I do. I think that some of us are dealt things in life that will leave us angry and bitter, and instead of fighting the anger and bitterness as I always did for all my life, I'm at a point where I'm just letting those feelings be.

Nowhere here did I say I was GOING to kill myself in any immediate time frame...I simply said that it crosses my mind frequently, as it probably does for alot of us.

[Robert Scott]

As for wearing something under your binder .... I thought it would make things hotter for me as well ... but in actuality it made things cooler for me.  I wear underarmour compression shirts under my binder - totally cut down on the chaffing & readness.  I get the ones for baseball players so they are sleeveless.  They are designed to help keep you cooler -- they wick away some of the sweat.  Just a thought.

[Squirrel698]

I wasn't negating your experience.  Only urging you to see it from another point of view.

I care about how this turns out for you.  We both started T around the same time so I feel that connection.

I have no idea if BPD is a load of crap or not.  However I do know that it is not normal or healthy to have constant thoughts of suicide.  Even for those who are struggling with their gender identity.

I'm glad you still have fight in you.  Just take care of yourself, all right? 

[PandaValentine]

To that, I quote what I always do in response to things like "but people have it worse"

"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have." — Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)


Also, I don't consider life the most wonderful gift of all. Granted you see me as a bitter ->-bleeped-<-, as do most people I meet. that's fine. But I have my reasons, and you have your reasons for being you. Just cause some kid in iran has it worse, doesn't change anything or make me feel like I should be more grateful.

I'm not BPD. I do have diagnosises, but they're not borderline personality disorder. I think BPD is a bunch of vague symptoms that could happen to a perfectly healthy invididual under stress, or anyone....and is a load of crap.

Couldn't agree with what you said more! Personally hearing things like somebody has it worse makes me FEEL worse, like my pain has no significance in this world. That's honestly just an easy way out of helping people, making people feel like your doing something to help them when really your just changing the subject. - Not meaning to offend the person who said this to you. I just mean to say...well what you said!  Love the part on BPD as well.

[Sharky]

Couldn't agree with what you said more! Personally hearing things like somebody has it worse makes me FEEL worse, like my pain has no significance in this world. That's honestly just an easy way out of helping people, making people feel like your doing something to help them when really your just changing the subject. - Not meaning to offend the person who said this to you. I just mean to say...well what you said!  Love the part on BPD as well.

This. I've always hated when my parents used to say stuff like that to me.