When I was still a child, what held me back were my family's dynamics. My older sister especially, but also my older brother, were making serious play for supremacy and any individuality would have caused open warfare in the family unit as a whole. My sister would have seen it as some sort of attempt to be her equal.
As I got older, I lacked the confidence to meet others. The only regular contacts I had were from my family. These were, in retrospect especially, incredably damaging, demeaning and completely unfulfilling, they were all I had at the time.
I made one brief attempt to change, at 18. But sadly, while it was very successful in the short term, my self confidence meant that I was unable to maintain a relationship. When it ended, as it had to, I had nothing to go back to. I did try to establish more relationships but being the type of person I was at the time, became entangled with psychopaths who saw me as a joke which they could abuse at will.
If I had been able, I believe that I would have be completely successful, had I had some social contacts. But even now, the statement, I needed a friend, just sounds so pathetic. It is really sad when such a basic human need, for friends, the ability to make freinds, is treated as pathetic.
