Allo!
I've been lurking for an age, but I would quite like to put that to an end. As my person and needs have evolved, I've arrived at a point where I'm finding the world increasingly difficult to walk without contact to a supportive body. At the same time, I'm desiring to be able to give support if possible - I decided it was about time that I started to post.
So, hi!
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Autobiographically speaking, I'm a weird (looking to become weirder), 5'3.5"-tall, small-framed, brown-haired, brown-eyed, terribly-masculine-looking eighteen-year-old Christian MtF that likes stories, music, being dramatic (only in real life situations - embarrassing myself is, I've discovered, very fun), being optimistic (very difficult sometimes!), and other such things like quantum physics, psychology, and biology.
I would consider myself funny (though I doubt anyone else thinks I am), friendly/personable, and virtuous. I've been trying to become a better person these last few years, as I really didn't like who I was at all not terribly long ago, and I think that generally, while I still have flaws, such as a tendency to be stubborn, or occasionally insensitive (though I often don't realize how so).
Ah, um... Transitionally, my journey officially began when I was twelve, though my cross-sex feelings have existed since I was seven, to my memory. Seven was also when I started to go through puberty. That was
really fun! In a sarcastic sort of way, I mean. I remember crying a lot, though a lot of my childhood is a matter of scattered memories - based on those memories, I could probably say that I was barely even alive for those years, especially from seven to eleven. I wish that I had lived differently then, but I was afraid to tell my mom about my desire to be a girl, and that fear prevented me from saving myself from a very un-ideal situation. Though, to be fair, I don't think I fully understood what I was losing by letting myself stand paralyzed.
But twelve. Well, by the time I was twelve, my voice dropped, so I was a little unhappy about that. Thankfully, I found Andrea Jame's site, and I practiced my voice. I still have the recordings from when I was twelve... I did very well, and I was able to achieve a female voice, though it didn't sound much like a twelve year old. At this time I also began to read everything I possibly could about transitioning, devouring websites - some of which were quite realistic-sounding which unfortunately made me slightly fearful about everything, which probably added to the extremely dark period that I was starting to enter as far as my life goes.
So, I took my time. Again, another mistake. I wasn't able to overcome my fear until I was fourteen - I came out then, fully prepared to be disowned, abused, or whatever else have you. My mom was very concerned, but she didn't react like that. She just wanted to take me to a doctor... one that would hopefully be able to tell me that I was wrong to want to transition. She may have been against my dreams, but she did care.
Issues between her and I prevented me from seeing a doctor that could actually allow me to start HRT until I was seventeen, but finally, I saw my doctor for the first time on August 16th, 2010, and was started on a low dose of Spiro and Estrace on December 8th that year.
From that point forward, my life improved quite a bit. I have both ups and downs now, as opposed to downs and periods of nonfeeling (I almost ended up ending myself thanks to all that!). I can smile, and laugh - things that were mostly forced before. Most importantly, though, I found new motivation to move forward, to live, to have friends (I didn't have friends after my early childhood), and a conviction to no longer let fear destroy my life. It can be difficult to move past that at times, but it isn't as difficult as it could be. My way of dealing with it was an alteration of what I did when I was thirteen - in that year, I learned to enjoy miserable feelings, like anger, desperation, and especially sadness, and I used those feelings to create the fictional world that I'm still building (and will eventually publish, when it's ready). I altered that lesson, and found how to enjoy fear for its exhilaration.
I definitely have a long road ahead of me. I don't cry at photographs or other images of myself anymore (the last time was grad photos in December. I skipped math class to cry in a bathroom stall for an hour - a very therapeutic exercise), so my next goal is to not cringe at my images. I'm sure that will come with time, but to "pass" (not a fan of the term) seems like an impossibility - an impossibility to which I say, "Oh well!" and carry on with my plans anyhow.
I will be changing my name sometime early this summer, and will likely, to my great excitement and happiness, be starting college this September. I signed up and was accepted as female - because I would be lying if I said "male" - and I won't be wearing guys' clothes anymore at that time, either. I won't pass, but hopefully I won't care, either.
Presently I'm just wondering about my voice, facial hair removal, and FFS. Facial hair removal will be interesting, as I only have a student loan to carry me through college as it is, but if I can't manage it with the loan, there's always a paid co-op program - which will also go toward FFS (or SRS, depending!). My voice, though, is a mystery. Recording my voice has been great, and over the phone, people are
always mistaking me for my mom (always being literal - I have had many interesting and often very funny experiences with this). My best friend - who I will be roommating with this year (YAY!) - called twice one day and thought I was my mom both times. I also spoke with my mom's sister once, who also thought I was her. The funniest moment was probably when my school called, and I carried out a full conversation, referring to "Jordan" in third person, the whole time, after the caller assumed I was the mother.
How could I resist? Hahaha.
In person, however, seems to be a different story. My mom says I'm close, but she doesn't really want to spend time and let me try as many different techniques as I can to sound right, so I guess my only solution, seeing as how I can't trust electronics, is to find a real-life support, which is impossible until I move to the city at the start of college. Unfortunately! I look forward to the experience, but I have yet to see what it will be like to be obviously gender-variant in a public scenario.
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I think that's everything I know about myself. I look forward to participating on these forums,
and would like to say that I wish you all the best, and I wish you all to be happy. I thank you for reading (even if you didn't) and I apologize in advance for any winded replies you may see in the near future.
Best wishes! (Yes, again)
Jordan R. T.
