My worry...

[togetherwecan]

I wish I could speak with as much confidence as Berri does. But this is a time of change and lots of it. When I look at how much hormones can change you, stories of discovered interest in men, and how much whats important to me can change on a day to day basis, yes this is a concern. Talking to another member here did a lot to relieve that concern to the point I don't think about it much. But it does nag at the back of the mind... what if? And the points you brought out are among the ones that make it so hard to disregard the question in spite of how I feel now.

For the record Berri is my SO and I'm the one moving through transition.(albeit slowly at the moment)

Nikki, thank you for sharing that with us. Brooke said about the same thing. I know our bond will last no matter what as will your's and Berri's. Where there is love and understanding there is growth.

You two are great! Soooooo glad you are both participating! Let's keep this forum moving so we can help the rest of the world transistion with us all!

*wink wink nudge nudge to all the SO's who are already here and to those that finally arrive*

[Steph]

If Brooke decides to go thru transition (even if it is partial by hormones) how much will it change how she feels about me and will the new found freedom and feelings take her away from me to someone new?
Has anyone here dealt with this issue?
I guess I am concerned that finally being able to be herself she will want to explore with/be with other people. Does being part of the loving support structure bring us closer or will it inevitably pull us a part?

Gill would be able to answer this so much better than I can as she sees the issue through the eye's of an SO and not a TS, but she is in Colorado Springs for a week.  Your concerns are very valid there is no doubt in the world that those who transition will change as that is what transition is all about as what would be the point in transitioning.  A mtf who transitions will be living their life as a woman and so there will be changes that have to be made, name, clothing, etc. and with these all these changes there is going to be an effect on the person, and it's hard to predict what those changes will be and how they will effect the relationship.  Thats why it is so important to go in with your eye's wide open.  There is no doubt that a person who is transitioning will want to explore, it's human nature, and as Gill said to me when we were discussing the topic of SRS "You're going to want to try it out aren't you", and you know, she is right.

Gill and I have been married for 33 years, and transition has definitely changed our relationship.  She will be the first to tell you that she is not a lesbian, and neither am I, we both like men, so you can see that although we are still married our relationship is quite different now.  Don't get me wrong we still live together and we love each other very much but we live as room mates now and as times goes by we are more and more living separate lives together.

However having said all that there is the very real possibility that even after all the efforts of you both you find that you are unable to stay together.  Transition puts enormous pressure on relationships, as it affects everyone from family and friends to the work place.  So yes there will be changes, some good, some bad, but there will be changes.

Steph

[LyndaM61521]

Brooke said all these years part of her confusion was that she was NOT attracted to men.
I am still learning about what the hormones will and wont do. I really am unsure how they affect the thought process itself because I do beleve it is possible once the testosterone is diminished and the girly hormones start pumping their way thru she may decide women are gross too. I am not a lesbian. I am bi. Heh, never said that out loud, funny I never have said it to anyone except Brooke and that was only because she asked me (before I knew she was a she).
Anyhow...I just want to know what the possibilities are so that I can be as prepared for whatever as possible.
Bri, thanks so much for responding. I really appreciate it.
Party on Princess! 
[/quote]

I believe -- if you chat with most mtf transsexuals the sexual attraction that you have throughout your life does NOT change when you are on hormones. Hormones alone have nothing to do with the attraction (ask any lesbian or gay guy). However, if you surpressed your true sexual feelings because of your gender and a fear society would judge you poorly (even as society is especially accepting of gays and lesbians today) and hormones and sexual reassignment have now set you free ... that is another matter.

I think you may know the real Brooke and should not worry your acceptance and love are to be further tested by HRT. Most transsexuals remain attracted to the same gender they have been attracted to since puberty. Count on it! (Even as there are rare exceptions).

[Julie Marie]

Just last night I was telling a friend of mine how I felt the hormones didn't change me all that much.  I still feel pretty much the same person.  What had a profound impact on me was ending the denial.  I am more open, more loving, more caring.  So many of the qualities my wife complained I didn't have which surfaced after coming out of denial.  Unfortunately I and my wife of 23 years divorced in June '05.  There were many reasons but there was no doubt she didn't want to be married to a woman.  She isn't prejudiced or intolerant, she just said she wasn't a lesbian.  She wanted a man and I certainly don't fault her for that.

My sexual preference is still women and I suspect it will always be.  I've been on HRT almost two years so if that hasn't changed by now I doubt it ever will.  Very often I have been asked why I want to transition if I don't want to be with a man.  I usually reply, "If wanting to be with a man is the only reason for transitioning why are there so many gay men who don't?"  I was never confused by this because I just followed what was in my heart.  Rather than thinking about it I just let myself be me.

I have many TS friends and it looks like I am the only die hard lesbian in the group.  All are MTF, all were married and all are now divorced.  Most have children.  To the best of my knowledge few of them had any attraction towards men prior to beginning their transition but they may have been in denial.  I've heard it said many times they were hetero before and they are still hetero but now to their identified gender and not their born gender. 

All I know is I love women and men do nothing for me.  And there is a bit of subtle snobbery from a few of the TSs I know, I suspect because of that.  I get the feeling sometimes they don't see me as TS because I'm lesbian.

Overall, I'd say the majority of MTF TSs prefer men.  If Brooke says she isn't attracted to men, take it at face value.  There are those of us who aren't and never will be.

Julie

[Melissa]

Well, my experience is before I transitioned I would have sworn I wasn't attracted to men at all and actually growing up I felt some confusion about my feelings because I wasn't attracted to them.  Now I find myself bi.  I still feel more attracted to women than men, but I realize now I did secretly find a few men attractive and I also have some issues from something that happened as a child (and even something that happened last year).

Melissa

[KarenLyn]

More men for me. I like that. 

Karen Lyn     

[Gill]

Very interesting posts.

I guess what it bottles down to is that both of you need to be very honest and up front with each other.  If the attraction to whatever sex is there then the other person needs to be told.  Nothing is more gut wrenching as when you are told you're the I want to spend the rest of my life with and then when all is said and done your told that you're not the one.....

So yes get to the truth right from the get go, that way a lot of broken hearts won't be happening.  Now whether this has anything to do with the hormones (the changing of attractions), I can't be sure, but in my opinion (and it is only that) the attraction was always there but just denied as someone has said previously.

Gill

[Sheila]

Now, I would like to put my two cents worth in. When I was in my early teens(stone age time) I did try haveing a relationship with a guy. I didn't like it and was not comfortable at all with it. I was not all that attractive to women, only that I like being around them and would rather be romantically involved with a woman rather than a man. I still feel that way. My wife (37years) is not a lesbian, so she sees our relationship, if romantic, a lesbian relationship. So we are just friends now. If she ever wanted to forget the stupid labels that we assign ourselves with, I think that our love would grow even more. For now, I only wish that she would have some sort of romantic feeling for me, the person who married her, not my ex penis. I have no feelings for having a man at my side or anywhere near me. Now, I do see men and think they are attractive, but I see women the same way and I have always felt that way, but do I want a relationship with any of those people, NO. If we would get a divorce today, I would live alone and not have anything romantically with any other person. If I can't have a relationship with my wife, then I don't want another relationship. Now, this is how I feel. Everyone has a different opinion on this subject. It doesn't have anything to do with hormones nor does it have anything to do with SRS. It is how you feel inside and the way you want to express it.
Sheila

[togetherwecan]

Really wonderful responses because you have all been so candid and open. Thank you very much.


I believe that what Brooke and I have can last a lifetime.

[angelsgirl]

Sheila, that's so sad.    I'm kind of wondering now...to those of you who have remained married but have "roommate" status, what is it that makes you stay? I don't think I'd last very long in a relationship with someone that didn't love me romantically (or sexually...I'm too much of a horn dog!) so I'm interested in your point of view, and hope I'm not stepping on toes, here!

[Sheila]

Angelsgirl, what makes me stay? Well, for one thing I love my wife very much. I didn't love the fact that she had boobs or that her hair was long and blonde, I loved her. I didn't love the fact that she was female, I loved her. It was the person that I loved. We have changed over the years, gained some weight, lossed someweight, been through hell and back and we still talk to each other as people. Yes, we have our arguements, but we will settle them and go on with life. We have enjoyed a lifetime of accomplishments in all aspects of our lives and we have endured failures as well. We share them together. To me that is worth more than sex. Yes, I do miss it at times, but it was a small part of our life together. We both look at other people, but would not even for a moment think of dating another person, male or female. We go out together, not with another person. I guess you would call it connected at the hip. We both agreed that if we ever wanted to have another relationship with another person, then we would divorce. We are married and I take my vows very seriously and so does she. We are not religious people, never go to church. We don't believe in church. So, I guess that is how my relationship is. Love is unconditional.
Sheila

[angelsgirl]

I think I understand you a little better now.    It's just that it had at first sounded like your love wasn't being reciprocated and so I wondered about that, but now I see that she must love you deeply but that her issue lies with physical attraction. I'm pretty vain, so I think I'd have a hard time with that.  >   I'm not talking solely about sex (yeah, I'm a horn dog but I'm not male after all  ), but I find that the intimacy involved with sex is a neccesity for me, it's like I don't feel like I'm really being loved unless I'm made to feel desirable in all aspects. I'm having a hard time explaining my feelings, I just think it's kind of sweet but sad in a way to be lovers that don't physically love. It's kind of a pining love. You yearn for her to love you the way she used to and she yearns to love the past you while still feeling love for the present you.  I mean, I'm kind of happy for you both to be so committed to each other and to your love, that's rare in people and I understand why you'd treasure it. It's just that I'm kind of sad for you both, too.

[togetherwecan]

I don't think you understand angelsgirl.  They've only met once in person, but have known each other through long distance communication for a long time.  Right now they both yearn for each others' closeness again.

Melissa

lol, I think she was talking to Sheila, not me hehe

[Melissa]

Oops, you're right.   I just saw that you started the thread.

Melissa

[angelsgirl]

Oops, I probably should've clarified that! My bad!

[Maebh]

Really wonderful responses because you have all been so candid and open. Thank you very much.


I believe that what Brooke and I have can last a lifetime.

She is so lucky to have such a lover/friend/partner as you. You obviously have something very precious there: a complex, honest and caring relationship. Why would she try or want someone else? I wish you both a fullfilling journey together and may you two be a beacon to others.

All the very best of Irish luck to both of you : "Go n-éirí do bhóthar leat. Bail ó Dhia ort. Go dté sibh slan."

With Love and Respect.
Maebh

[togetherwecan]

Really wonderful responses because you have all been so candid and open. Thank you very much.


I believe that what Brooke and I have can last a lifetime.

She is so lucky to have such a lover/friend/partner as you. You obviously have something very precious there: a complex, honest and caring relationship. Why would she try or want someone else? I wish you both a fullfilling journey together and may you two be a beacon to others.

All the very best of Irish luck to both of you : "Go n-éirí do bhóthar leat. Bail ó Dhia ort. Go dté sibh slan."

With Love and Respect.
Maebh

Thank you that was very sweet!

It is hard to explain really how I feel it is with Brooke and how it can be with Brooke.
We have a really cool connection. We compliment eachother I think. All I know is I met this really awesome person and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, whatever that life will bring will be special and unique to us.