Or alternatively "Square 1" Part 3 (part 2 was the tail end of the topic)
Ok...I feel like my mom just tore out my heart or something. Like I posted in the Square 1 topic, I've been wanting to finally come out to my parents for a second time, because my feelings are pretty much getting put off to the side as if it's just some casual hobby to take into. This got put off several times. First, the printer was giving me trouble, and I can't write legibly at all. Then a time to talk or write kept getting akward...
Just prior to this latest bit of news, it turned out I forgot about how today was my mother's birthday. I really couldn't drop a heavy topic like this on a day that important, especially since she's been pretty touchy about the whole issue.
Buuuut...Unfortunately...that really wasn't necessary to worry about, as she brought the topic to me instead. Yeah. It went bad. My mom noticed I had long fingernails on my right hand. I tried out growing fingernails recently, and got really attached to them on the spot. However, I noticed they were problimatic in their own little ways, so I tried to cut them...only to find that it just...sucked to cut my nails short again. It wasn't DEPRESSING but it was certainly somewhere into that direction in a short distance, I guess like spilling a drink on your favorite shirt even though it won't leave a stain that can't be washed out.
So, really, although I was able to cut my left hand's nails (I -had- to after I started) I was unable to really cut my right hand similiarly, and decided that I was temporarly taking up an assymetrical fashion.
Mom saw though, that the right hand had long fingernails, and that's what matters. It kind of hurt, thanks to the above mentioned background information, because it sticks me in a situation where I can't make a choice (Do something I really don't want to do or make my mother really uncomfortable. No matter what, someone loses! D: )
She...then transitioned into a rant. Mom talked about that I was open to do these kinds of things AFTER I move out, but until then I pretty much have to hold off. She said she found it really disturbing, and she feels like things like my long fingernails, or the brush I have, roughly spoken of as colorful and girly looking (It's such a cute pretty pink brush though! ;.; How can she not overlook it being mine and see how awesome it is?!) are feeling like me shoving the whole thing in her face.
...This...was ultimately painful to hear. I barely finished my dinner, much less able to consider eating a brownie I was going to eat before hearing that. Even if I didn't have my self-confidence shot from a talk like that, it's not like I could make a retort anyway. It's my mom's birthday, and I really need to let her be happy and enjoy it.
It's just...at this point I don't know what to do. I tried hard to be loyal to them. Even though this is all really hard for me to do, I've intended to not rebel against their initial plan of me waiting on transitioning. (Really, that's what my talk was supposed to be. Telling them that I can't keep on not-rebeling)
I guess I should take up my ideas of moving away...My mom reassured me a lot that she still loved me and things a while ago, mostly when I got in some small fights with her, but, yeah. It feels like it really nulls the worth of still-love-my-child speeches when things like that are said.
Top it off, she apparently doesn't understand HOW it's hurting me so much, because she turns around and gives me important news that apparently one of my friends is lying to me a lot about what's going on in his life, because he said that his mom was dying, but one of the people helping him out through rough times said that she wasn't dying. My friend wouldn't be less credible than some random helpy person if it wasn't for the fact that apparently he's been doing a lot of other lies, too. Still though, timing! What, is she going to say I have cancer next or something? That all my extended family decided to refuse to acknowledge me as a relative anymore? Blegh.
So...yeah.
Today sucks.
I'm thinking of making a rant to my parents to call them out for being so cold, and then saying that I'm going to be out for a few days, but I don't know WHERE to go. My backup plans are precisely backup for a good reason. I don't like the mentalities of both of the people who are willing to take me in locally, and the person who I don't mind openly taking me in, maybe even help me get a job that pays better, is in a three-state gap of distance. (That and I really do not want to reset my progress in therapy. I may have had only three months of meeting with my therapist, but I've quickly become fond of talking to her)
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Edit: Update
So, I ended up talking to them...and...it turned into a huge conversation... It feels like the air is really cleared, and we're all glad that I was able to talk with them on what's been bugging me...Things feel like they're really calmed down, now. ^^ Which is good. Admittedly the baseline issues are still there: My mom can't really deal well with the idea that I'm transsexual, my parents don't want me to transition right now, and I'm still internally pressured about it.
But, still, it's better to have pressing issues without extra problems growing out of them. ---That and they made their case quite clear, in that I live in an area where people suffer for much less. At the moment I'm feeling a little lost on how I can pursue things, to be honest. I only have ideas...
