First, a few general observations, then a bit about how I feel and why androgyne seems to fit my true self.
Some personal observations:
Ambiguity/uncertainty for most people is a very uncomfortable place to be for even a short time. Those of us who go there regularly or who (god(dess) forbid! lol) like to be there are nearly unfathomable to the vast majority who need the comfort and apparent safety of certainty.
In the binary oriented transgender world, for various socio-politico reasons, there is a HUGE investment in the belief that transgenderism/GID is NOT a choice, that the discontinuity between the internal self and the somatic self is thrust upon some individuals. A corollary belief is that GID can only be cured/relieved by full transition. (It is not my intent to question these beliefs or any of the myriad reasons and rationales supporting them. For the purposes of my discussion here, I accept them at face value as basic truisms.) Any idea or person or thing that seems to contradict those two central dogmas seems to impede the cause of getting society at large to accept transgendered individuals as their identified gender and making transition resources more easily available and affordable. This must seem tantamount to heresy to the true believers.
One way we make sense of and interact with the world around us is through pattern recognition which involves organizing objects, beings and events into various classes, which are typically binary in nature: good/bad, dangerous/not dangerous, beneficial/detrimental. Of course there are infinite shadings and colors of meaning along any spectrum of characteristics, but it becomes heuristically unmanageable to deal with multiple complex systems without some mental simplification.
This is all really, really serious sh_t and cracking jokes and poking fun doesn't help anyone to be taken seriously (another belief, of course.) Geez, what the h_ll's the matter with you people?! (tongue planted firmly in cheek on that one!)
How I arrived in the forest (the quick and dirty version):
GID from earliest age/memories (didn't know that's what it was until recently, however): wanting to wear feminine clothes, makeup, have female parts. At the same time, I enjoyed being a boy and happily embraced that role. I have never felt my male parts were wrong; I just wanted female parts too. I have never felt my masculine traits were bad; I have just wanted to be able to express my femininity too. I knew from an early age (10 or 11) about transexuals (the term used as I was growing up in the late 50's early 60's) yet NEVER felt the need/drive to take that route. Fast forward to adulthood, middle age (sigh): Looking back (and after much therapy, experimentation and introspection) at the several disparate fields I have enjoyed working in and how I audaciously conned/finagled/talked my way into them, it is not solely from fear or not wanting to put myself in uncertain or uncomfortable positions that I did not seek transition. I have never shied from taking the road less traveled, and in fact, have repeatedly and intentionally derived a large measure of personal satisfaction and pride from doing/being the unexpected. My point is that transition just ISN'T the right option for me, and not just because I am afraid of the consequences or difficulties (HUGE! I have the utmost respect and admiration for the women on that path) involved.
One favorite diversion for me has always been reading, and especially science fiction. Growing up I read what came to be for me the seminal version of my GID: Time Enough for Love by Robert Heinlein. In this future novel, Lazarus Long, who through a mistake in biology lived many times a normal life span, tired of living longer and was going to allow himself to expire. He agreed to postpone his demise if the ultimate challenge (for him) could be devised to give him renewed purpose for living. The ultimate challenge turned out to be continuing life as a nubile, young woman. Trust me, this is hardcore, spaceships and aliens, laser blasters and time travel, science fiction by an arch-conservative, libertarian author. It was NOT porn. His female characters are 2-dimensional and overly endowed and sexed, but what did I know, I was an increasingly horny teenager reading my idea of the perfect scenario: being able to change gender by a very short, painless medical procedure! Yeeha! Obviously, going back was equally an option.
So, in my mythical, ideal world, I would be able to be male, and female. I could have my cake and eat it too; I could keep my boy parts, and have female ones as well. I guess you could say that I am the gender equivalent of a switch in sexual preference terms. Since I can't do what Lazarus Long did, and since I seem to thrive on ambiguity and uncertainty (and to be totally honest, I like messing with peoples heads--my INTJ side raising its hoary head--lol) I find myself blending the two in physical form and function.
In my mind, I am most emphatically not sitting on the fence, or resting in the transit lounge on my way to transition. I am in fact (I think we all are, it's just some are more willing to admit it than others) a study of contradictions. While the dysphoria has been extremely discomfiting at various periods of my life, it has also been the impetus for some of the greatest personal and spiritual growth and development I have experienced. At this point, I would not willingly give it up. All in all, I have been able to live pretty well on the tension between ideals and reality--whether resolved or not. In the final analysis, for me "Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely, in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "Holy sh_t, what a ride!"
Just my 50 cents (inflation, dont'cha know! LOL)
