Coming out to a friend who may not be straight

[Lynne]

The thought of coming out as a MtF transsexual to people who knew me for a long time makes me shiver, literally. It is very hard for me, I tried it several times, but I just couldn't do it.
There is a guy, he is a few years younger than me (I'm 26). We've been friends for 10 years now. We've been through better and worse, but in the end we always stayed good friends. We can talk about anything for hours and we take long walks regularly. I get the feeling he has a secret too. I don't really want to go into details, but I'm pretty sure he is hiding something LGBT related.
I'm not sure how to handle the situation. I don't want to make him angry by asking about it directly because he would just deny it and I can't really work up the courage to come out to him either. It would be really good if I could solve these two things in one swoop but I don't know how.
Any thoughts are appreciated.

[cynthialee]

Obsessing over your friends dark secret is doing you no favors.
He might not be hiding anything. It is possible that you are pasteing your feelings here. However....Our first instincts are ussualy right on the mark.

Have you considered writting him a letter? It might be easier to hand him a piece of paper or to email him.

[Lynne]

Obsessing over your friends dark secret is doing you no favors.
He might not be hiding anything. It is possible that you are pasteing your feelings here. However....Our first instincts are ussualy right on the mark.

Have you considered writting him a letter? It might be easier to hand him a piece of paper or to email him.

I know, it is possible that my mind is playing tricks with me and connecting events and things which are not really related at all, but there were quite a few signs.
I wrote him a letter, but even after telling him that I have problems, I wasn't able to hand him the letter. In the end I just told him about my other problems.

I feel so weak and worthless.

[cynthialee]

Well, obviously you are simply not ready to come out yet.
No crime there. This isn't a sprint, it is a marathon so take you time and do it all right.

When the right time to come out presents it self you will know. Until then, just enjoy the friendship.

[Ann Onymous]

I know, it is possible that my mind is playing tricks with me and connecting events and things which are not really related at all, but there were quite a few signs.

FWIW, gaydar is not always 100% but for some people, it can be pretty close. 

I wrote him a letter, but even after telling him that I have problems, I wasn't able to hand him the letter. In the end I just told him about my other problems.

I feel so weak and worthless.

Coming out, no matter what one is disclosing, is not always an easy task.  In some cases, it is that one has just internalized everything for so long that it is difficult to admit to someone else the very same thing that took forever to accept individually.  In other cases, there are the concerns about loss of someone close if the news was not well-received. 

Even now, being relatively open about being a lesbian, I pick and choose who I will discuss things with.  You need not feel that you are 'weak and worthless.'  The reality is that summoning up the courage to discuss some things does not happen overnight.  You may also find that your friend will approach you if they have picked up on the fact that there is something of significance that you were trying to tell them...especially if your take on *them* was remotely spot on. 

[Lynne]

Thank you all for your kind words. It looks like I have to try this at a slower pace, dropping a few hints here and there(already doing this in some ways), getting into more personal topics each time we speak.  I can feel that as time passes I'm more and more comfortable with the idea of coming out, but not nearly comfortable enough. Nine months ago it freaked me out and drained me totally, now I'm "just" really nervous about it. I'm slowly starting to accept that I may loose all my friends and maybe when I'm really prepared for the worst it will be a little easier. But as I go out more and more en femme, there is an increased chance that I meet somebody who will recognize me and then I'll have no choice.