Susan's Place Transgender Resources

January 19, 2024

It was quite surprising to open Susan's today to discover that my entire transition story had been erased. My entire blog, carefully crafted over the past several years,  all the amazing and kind responses, and my side threads, particularly "Should I Stay or Should I Go" are lost to the wind.

Fortunately for me, I'm a writer and nearly all my blog posts were drafted first in Google Docs.
Lucky? Hardly, but at least I can now rebuild part of the journey I've taken the past several years.
The good, bad and ugly will be reposted.

For me, writing is how I understand, and I hope the stories I'm telling are helpful.

Onward,

Laura May

Nice to see you back dear, I look forward to reading your new adventures.

Thus begins the start of my blog reposting. Warning. My blog Google Doc runs 167 pages.

Estimated Date: August, 2020

I've been pondering about the two paths outlined in my Stay or Go thread. One path would allow me to stay in my current city, in a house and neighborhood I love, and an alternate path that would take me to a city about an hour north which is much more LGBT friendly. This is certainly a difficult decision, so I'm giving myself enough time to explore both paths.

Staying would mean several things, including coming out to my neighborhood, as I'd be leaving the house more often, if not all the time, as Laura. Taking this path, were I to go full-time, would impact, and possibly remove playing tennis at the club I belong to. My best friend, the first person I came out to and a fellow player, believes that while some people at the club will be accepting, the women will largely be critical and will tend to talk behind back. Can I handle playing as Laura when I've played as <dead name> with these same people for many years? Can I handle being rejected by my fellow players? Will I have to stay <dead name> when playing tennis, while being Laura the rest of the time? Can I handle running into one of my tennis friends at the store when I'm Laura and they're unaware of my transition?

All good questions, but ones I need to ponder if I want to stay. To explore this path, I'm taking @SarahC's advice to come out to a few people at a time to test the waters. This will allow me to take the temperature of fellow players about whether I can stay. I've asked my best friend for her advice about which
Low hanging fruit to start with.

Path Two would require me to sell my house and rentals and move to a more accepting city an hour away. I've begun to investigate this path as well, looking at current sales and new construction. I plan to drive up there today to check out a new house that has potential. I've also put one of my rentals on the market to free up cash for a sizable down payment, should I take this path. Important questions to consider: How will I feel about joining a new tennis club in my new city, where the tennis pro there previously was the pro at my local club? Can I make new friends as Laura? How will my new neighbors adjust/react to Laura? Will I be able to pass and blend in? My best friend questions whether I won't pass. She thinks I look fine now and with FFS, I could hopefully reach a tipping point in my confidence about my appearance.

I won't make a final decision for several months and might wait until after my FFS. Time, and reactions, will tell.

Laura

Estimated date: August 2020

Getting a réponse from @Danielle is like finding you have one more oatmeal raisin cookie that you've forgotten about.
It's a welcome surprise.

The last few weeks I've become more aware of the emotional effects HRT has had on me. Always somewhat sensitive, I've found myself shedding a few tears when something touches me deeply, as Danielle's response to my post did today. I know how busy she is, even though tax season is finally over, so I do appreciate the time and effort she took to write a long, supportive response. I'm currently reading Catlyn Jenner's book and plan to drive an hour north to look at some new home construction in another hour or so.

In the afternoon, I drove an hour north to a bustling suburb to tour a model home I've scoped out online. I was not disappointed. In fact, touring the home only made me feel more comfortable with a possible decision to move north. Yes, there are still a variety of factors to consider: friends, a wonderful current house and neighborhood, and my tennis friends, so I'll be taking a few months to weigh both path one and path two. In the meantime, I've comforted that the development I'm interested in won't be sold out for another year. I have time, should I wish to build the model I'm in love with.
(https://i.imgur.com/cCMmsmj.jpg)   |  (https://i.imgur.com/Yu56kNd.jpg)

Onward,

Laura

Estimated Date: September 2020

Sometime in the near future, I'll reach a fork in the road where I'll have to decide whether to stay in my current city or move to a new city, an hour north of here. I've scoped out a new house I'd build in a nice development, but so many variables cloud the path to the fork.

Everything is dependent on how I feel after my FFS, which had been scheduled for June 16th. Had COVID not reared its ugly head, I'd be mostly recovered now and ready to judge whether I'd pass sufficiently to be Laura 24/7. That elective surgeries still seem to be on hold, I've no idea when this life-changing event will happen. October? December? March? It's almost too much to bear. Stay here and tough out 24/7 knowing I'll certainly be rejected by many tennis club members, or cut all ties and start over as Laura in a new city?  Stay and be Laura part time, remaining <deadname> when playing tennis? I know from others here that once the 24/7 itch happens, being just part time becomes increasingly painful.

Adding difficulty is knowing the longer I wait to make the call, the less likely that the development I've chosen will have houses left to sell. Yes, there are always more developments, but the house I've found is the best choice at a price point I'm happy with. Houses in this new community are much more expensive than in my current city, so I'd be scaling down to 1800sf. The floor plan is wonderfully open and I know I'd be happy living there.

Still, leaving behind a city where I've spent nearly 2/3 of my life is a tough call and the FFS delays are making my decision all the more difficult.

Onward,

Laura

Thanks for coming back Laura!

Love always -- Jessica Rose

September 20, 2020

One Year
Next week, I'll celebrate one year on HRT, which seems amazing to me given that fear had me starting and stopping HRT repeatedly the prior three years. That I've been able to stay on this path and make steady progress forward is a testament to the support I've felt from my friends and the Susan's community. I must say that I feel incredibly lucky and, as they say, when luck knocks at your door, let it in.

It's been a momentous year and while I'm not totally thrilled with my breast development, I have much for which to be thankful. I've come out to eight people so far, the first being during the summer of 2019. Her support and encouragement was one reason I restarted this journey last October. A separate, One-Year on HRT story will be posted next week. This summer, I came out to three more tennis friends, all whom I play doubles on Friday mornings, and two neighbors. (I figured that if Laura was going to start making appearances outside, my neighbors, most whom have children, should know.

Everyone I've told has been incredibly kind and accepting. Several told me they had trans relatives.
Laura has mostly been an indoor creature though, but being so accepted and loved by my friends helped  nudge me outside, twice this week. On Wednesday, my good friend, who was the first to learn about Laura, had her 41st birthday and while I had plans to fly her to Half Moon Bay for lunch, the weather and smoke from CA's fires forced a cancellation. Instead, we drove to a nearby town, went shopping, and had lunch together, my first time as Laura in a restaurant. We had a ball, although I did notice that several people "clocked" me. It was easy to spot, but their direct looks were of short duration and weren't repeated again during lunch. That people can be respectful helps maintain and grow my confidence about being out as Laura. My friend reminded me that the more confident I am of myself as Laura, the less people will be able to eight clock me or upset me if they do.

Today, Friday, the remainder of my close tennis friends met Laura for the first time, as we played doubles. Their love and support, as they got used to calling me Laura, made me feel SO comfortable and at ease. Two courts away was another couple who normally play singles every Friday. During our doubles match, I kept noticing stares from the woman's husband; While it was obvious that he had he clocked me, it and it didn't keep me from enjoying being Laura, it still affected me. When I told my friends about the stares, they reminded me that self-confidence will allow me to stop caring about stares. BTW, in trying on Laura's tennis clothes yesterday, I noticed that she has more tennis outfits thank <deadname>. Not just that, I also realize that I wanted MORE outfits. LOL
From here forward, Laura will play with our regular tennis group on Fridays, while <deadname> will play other days. Our Friday group doesn't play at our tennis club, making this an easy opportunity to not be outed by other members. Being out and about as Laura is an important part of my transition and while it took a long time to reach this point, I'm feeling the desire to go out more.... From other postings on Susan's, I know this is fairly normal. Would I love to be FT some day? Certainly, but I'll continue moving at my pace while HRT keeps working its magic and swelling from my FFS continues to go down.

FFS was another milestone during the past year and all my hopes and progress are noted on my FFS thread.

We all stand on the shoulders of giants; Those MTF who have come before us, our community at Susan's, and the people who we surround ourselves with. I wouldn't be at this point in my transition without them. My thousand mile transition journey began four years ago and until a year ago, I had only taken a few steps. Now, I feel as if I'm miles down the road. Yes, I have many miles to go, but having moved this far forward makes it easier to continue to the journey.

Onward.

Laura

The first time Laura actually made her first public appearance was on Nora's birthday, September 30, 2020. At that time, I'd come out to around six people, but since my FFS in August 2020, some people were beginning to ask questions. Below is a my message to a person (name forgotten) who was suspicious and had asked Nora what was going on. She alerted me so I reached out to this person.

Estimated Date: October 4, 2020

This is Nora's friend, <deadname>. She told me yesterday that you've figured things out last weekend. She didn't respond to you because she's known for more than a year and is protecting my secret. If you pull her aside today and tell her that she was the first person, she can confirm. When you have 20 minutes or so today, please call me so I can share my story and beg you to keep my secret. I'm so afraid of this getting out of control before I'm ready.

<This person responded, but those details are lost. My reply to her is below>

You are too kind. Thank you. I appreciate knowing that someone else enjoys my writing
The funny thing, though, is that, having ADD, I never understood writing in K-12. The structure completely confused me and my essays were embarrassing. It wasn't until my junior year, when my English teacher asked us to keep a journal, that I discovered I could enjoy writing. Along the way, my writing voice began to be formed as well.

Still, I didn't become a writer until I began teaching and participated in UC Berkeley's Bay Area Writing Project, which teaches teachers how to teach writing. Not only did I become a much better teacher, I found an organizational structure that allowed me to begin loving writing. My voice, in turn, matured as well.

Around the same time (the early 80s), I became heavily involved in technology. The simple act of writing with a word processor changed my writing as well. Gone were the days when my thoughts would disappear halfway through handwriting an essay. Now I could write at the speed of my thinking. The ability to edit my work, as I'm doing right now in Evernote, made a difference too.

So, thank you.

Laura May

11/1/2020

Lately, I've been contemplating when to go 24/7 and while I'd planned for a spring, 2021 reveal, I'm leaning towards doing it earlier. Much earlier. In my quest to answer the "Should I Stay, or Should I Go" conversation from another thread, the only way I'll know I can stay is by finding out what happens when I DO go full time at the tennis club.

Since I came out to myself four years ago, one of the drivers of my fear has been what would happen when i begin playing tennis as Laura at the club and I attempt to be part of the Ladies' Interclub tennis teams. I've always felt this would be good way to make other women friends, but, as my best friend has told me, there are some mean girls there who would be a problem, both to my face and behind my back.

The other day, when I was playing tennis with two friends who know Laura, we again discussed when I should reveal and go full-time. They've been encouraging me to make the jump and as we discussed my feelings, I shared that when I begin Laura full-time, I'll want to be part of the inter club. Their reactions scared me as they both cast doubts about the possibility. How could Laura, who is genetically a man, be allowed to play in the ladies team? What hurt more was that Person One, the first person who I came out to and who has been a great supporter, also echoed these doubts.
The conversation rattled me the remainder of the day.

Once rattled, I sought to find out the United States Tennis Association (USTA) regards trans players and I was pleased that they're explicit about their guidance in a document, "Transgender Inclusion Policy"; If you're trans, you've declared your new gender AND you're currently on HRT, you may play in leagues and tournaments as your new gender.   As they stated, "... transgender athletes (should not be)excluded from the opportunity to participate in sporting competitions."

I already know that the first day I go 24/7, I want to play tennis at the Club with my close friends. That way, the women of the Interclub can see that I'm surrounded by people who know about Laura and accept her. Several days before Laura appears at the club, I'll email the club tennis pro and give him the Reader's Digest version of my transition, tell him Laura will appear that Friday, and declare my intention to play in Ladies Interclub in the future. I'll also attach USTA's TG Inclusion Policy so he'll have a foundation for his replies the "mean girls."
Oh, I'm still scared, but at least I'm prepared. LOL.

Onward.

Laura May

November 9, 2020
@Danielle

OK, I know I've been absent far too long, but I have good reasons that I'll explain. You all wanted updates and I'm happy to oblige now that I have a bit of time. So many topics to talk about and I'll lay them all out below. What I've written below is more of a novella than a post. My HRT update, which was due last Saturday, will come soon.

First, my nose.
Hard to believe it's been a month since the incident where I was standing at the net while my partner served and my opponent hit the ball incredibly hard and fast that I couldn't react before it hit me squarely on the nose, causing immediate bleeding and sending me to the emergency room. I was truly scared that all the hard work from my FFS had been ruined. My nose was fairly numb the first two weeks and I returned to trying to sleep on my back and taping my classes to my forehead. I can't tell you how often I looked in the mirror and ran my fingers up and down the sides to see if there was any damage. To date, things seem to be better and while I'm still taping my glasses when I'm in the house, the numbness is gone. I'm hoping my nose is ok, but I'll continue being paranoid about it for another month or so. Thank you all for asking.

My Rentals
This is where much of my time as been spent. I have, or had, two rentals: a nice 3br/2ba house my first wife and I bought in 1979 and has been a rental since 1981. I've done my best to modernize whenever renters move out to keep the house compeitive when looking for new tenants. However, five years ago, when my second marriage blew up, which was during the year I spent in therapy where Laura would eventually appear, I decided that it would be more convenient for my soon-to-be ex move into that rental. When the old rentals moved out (I had evicted them so the ex could move in), discovered that the house, both inside and outside, needed extensive work. For five months, I toiled every day to bring the house and the landscape back to life, including replacing some of the decorative wood on the outside which had rot.

Now, five years later, I've been spending the last several, and the next several, working on the remaining wood, peeling the paint, applying wood hardener and filler, and then repainting. It's laborious but I'm making good progress.
My other rental, located less than a mile from my main house, is a townhouse I bought in 1986 as a rental. This has consumed a fair amount of time lately and recently some anxiety as I ponder hiring a CPA. I'll explain.

First, I just completed the sale of this rental, which was part of my initial planning in the Should I Stay or Should I Go thread. If I decide to move north to the Sacramento area, I'll need to sell all my properties and since the townhouse is the least profitable, that had to go first. Now, I've not decided to move yet, but I want to be prepared in case my coming out doesn't go as I hoped (more about coming out later). If I decided to stay here, I'd be just as content since most of the process from the sale are going to pay off the loan for my current house. It's really win win in my book.
Now, here's the problem where I'm going to need a talented CPA.

When I bought the house in 1986, I began depreciating in on a 19 year schedule, which as the trend then. However, in 1999, I moved into the townhouse when my first marriage ended. I stayed there until 2009 when my ex and I bought the house I'm in now (I got it in the divorce while she got an equally valued house we owned in China.) When the townhouse became a rental again, I did not resume the depreciation schedule, which had about another five years to go. My reasoning was that Uncle Sam was just going to get back what refund I was getting for depreciation when I sold the house so why bother?
I figured out "why bother" this weekend when the sale proceeds were transferred to my bank account and I began the process to pay my estimated tax to the IRS. What I discovered was that the IRS doesn't care if you didn't depreciate it. They're going to tax me as IF I HAD depreciated it and, from what I've been reading, fixing this situation is not for the faint of heart. So, part of my time this week is to find a tax CPA who can lead me down the correct path.

CATs
I got a new cat yesterday. My first cat, really the first pet I've ever had, has been with me since February and I've sensed the last few months that he'd really like a friend to play with. To that end, I adopted a 3 1/2 month old tabby yesterday and have been spending time with him to help him adjust to his new home. My primary cat, Cessna, is a bit jealous, or threatened, and he's been hissing through the door at RV (my new cat). From my research, I know this is fairly normal, so I'm taking a fairly logical path before beginning to introduce them, making sure I continue to play and give affection to Cessna so he doesn't feel left out.

Going Full Time
This has been on the agenda for about a month now, as I continue to venture outdoors as Laura, often shopping as her.

If I'm going to do my full diligence on the Should I Stay, or Should I Go decision, I'm going to have to come out now to see how it goes. I've told enough people, including four tennis friends, my neighbors, and two weeks ago, my sister. When I do come out, it will probably be more 24/5 than 24/7. Why? This is more a practical decision than full-time decision. You see, 18 months ago the last time I stopped HRT, I also purged an extensive wardrobe. Since (well before actually) restarting HRT, I've amassed a large wardrobe and I've not stopped acquiring pieces that I think will look good on me. However, I don't want to ruin any of these fairly new clothes when I work at my rental, paint, or do yard work. My wigs aren't old enough yet for these situations either.

Finally there's electrolysis. When I first came out four years ago, I did about 16 hours with a local technician but really didn't like her work. After I restarted HRT last year, my intention was to fly to Chicago every few months for their mass-electrolysis. Then, COVID struck and I'd rather not fly commercial during a pandemic. So, once I do feel comfortable flying, I'll need to have four day's growth to my before flying and Laura does NOT want to be public with a beard showing. LOL. Oh, what a sight. So, there will be times when Laura has to be <deadname>.
 
However, that's not going to stop me from changing my name. All the paperwork has been filled out for months, just waiting for the day I go full-time.

When is full-time? I'm currently waiting for that too. The first day I'm public full-time, I want to be with my tennis friends at the tennis club, because I want to be surrounded by my supporters when other players meet Laura. That day, and the weeks that follow, will instruct me whether I can stay. However, one friend has tennis elbow and may not return for several weeks. Another has been setting up a business with her husband and has a more limited schedule. The final friend is a personal trainer and his schedule has gotten busier lately. So, it may be early December when Laura reveals to everyone.

Onward,

Laura May

November 12, 2020

There's a fine line between being brave or being delusional.
I've felt both and fear is certainly part of both. How?
All actors are afraid right before they go on stage, including professional actors. We call it stage fright. It's just part of human nature to fear the unknown. Will I remember my lines and my blocking? Will the audience react positively? That fear of failure permeates all of us right before we go onstage. So what happens? How do actors survive this fear?

Simply, preparation. To be an actor means to immerse yourself in the character you're portraying. You know their back story, identify with their emotions, and have your lines deeply memorized. To be in character on stage is to assume the body and emotions of the character you're portraying. Fear still exists, though, right before they go onstage. Actors survive this period because they know once they're on stage, the character (and the preparation) takes over. The character is on stage, not the actor. You might say they are brave for exposing themselves before hundreds of people who will be judging them, or they might be delusional for thinking they can convincingly portray them. I know because as a theatre major, I've been both an actor and a director. (Directing is much more fun because it's so much like teaching with a heavy thread of creativity.)

Transitioning is a lot like that. Fear can permeate our lives and we can waver between feeling delusional and being brave. I'd say that the reason I stopped HRT so many times the first three years is that my fear convinced me I was being delusional that I could pass as a woman and feel accepted by my peers.
I've only reached the point where I'm beginning to feel ready to go onstage, stage fright and all, is because of the preparation I've done the past 18 months. That includes staying on HRT, coming out to a variety of close friends, acquiring a wardrobe I feel comfortable in, getting my make-up skills in order, working on my voice, and, in my case, getting FFS. Once I had all that down, I began to feel more comfortable appearing in public as Laura in front of my friends. It helped me feel I'd done enough preparation to be Laura on stage. Will I have stage fright in the beginning?

Most likely.

The day I reveal myself to all, during a Friday playing tennis at the club, is nearing. I've told 11 people about Laura, not a large number, but, as they say, it gets easier. My best tennis friends, neighbors and my sister knows and today, while playing tennis with a person whose reaction I'm fearful of, I came out to him too. He wasn't all loving, as the others were, but he took it in stride. Another step forward.

Onward.

Laura May

November 20, 2020

I'm rattled. Today is not a good day.

Friday mornings is doubles with a group i've played with for many years. (this includes Person One but they all know about Laura.) Today, because our normal fourth, a woman, is still recovering from tennis elbow, the man i shared Laura's story with last week got to meet Laura for the first time. As i shared before, he was someone i was afraid to tell because of his background in law enforcement and his very conservative politics. He was fine today and eventually was able to call me Laura during the match.
Still, i felt off, awkward. i had trouble finding Laura's voice in the beginning so i was quieter than normal, when, normally i'd be participating in the banter. I also discovered that in my rush to get dressed after putting on my make-up, that i'd put on my top backwards.

What happened during the final set is what has brought me down the rabbit hole.  I must preface that two courts away was a male player, late 20s, who was teaching a student. ill call him Bruce. He's been club member for many years and while he was a fairly strong player, he's also fairly irresponsible.

While the four of us were at the net between games, my friend, the fourth person i came out to, told me that i should go down and introduce myself to Bruce since "He already knows." Now, I've not come out to Bruce  and don't really consider him an acquaintance. The assumption was that since it's too obvious that Bruce had clocked me and knew I was <deadname> dressing up as a woman, i might as well share.

I told him i wouldn't, that i wanted to control my coming out to others, and that i had plans for my "coming out to everyone" day.  Underneath, i was upset the remainder of the set. I know i'm not passable. I know i'm getting clocked. i try my best to dress well, to have the right clothes and to get my make-up right, but if it's that easy for others to identify Laura as <deadname>, then am i fooling myself that i can ever blend in? I was on the verge of tears the remainder of the set.

While we were playing a tie-breaker at the end, since the score was tied 6-6, i looked over at Bruce and found him staring at me. It was obvious he knew i was <deadname> and that he now knows my secret. i felt outed, feeling that i've lost control of my own narrative. It broke me. Once the set was over, i collected my things and hurried away since the tears were now flowing.

Now, i don't really care if Bruce approves of my transition and while i might have had some control of how and whether he shares with others, i felt uncomfortable doing so. I care more more about how the women of the club react to Laura.

As i conclude this seven hours later, i've calmed down a bit. Time and two napping cats by my side have a positive effect. If i could go back, i would have approached Bruce, confirmed that i AM transgender, and asked him to keep this to himself since i'm not out to everyone yet.  I was NOT brave today. Instead, I was incredibly scared that i'd lost control of my coming out.
And so it goes.

I'm currently considering coming out before my friend recovers from her tennis elbow, asking her instead to at least be present when i play at the club. I want, and need, my friends' support when everyone learns about Laura.

Onward

Laura

November 21, 2020

I learned last night that my father died.

More than a month ago apparently. He was 95 and living in a rest home at the time, having lost his final wife to cancer and suffering from dementia.

First, a history lesson. 

My parents, who divorced when i was 11, had three children, of which i'm the middle. I have an older brother who is bi-polar and a younger sister. She's the only relative i've come out to (and will be the only one.) After my parents divorced, mom quickly remarried an incredibly selfish jerk and had two more children who are amazingly spoiled and selfish in their own ways. They are the sole recipients of my mother and step-father's estate.

Dad remarried two more times, but the final marriage was a keeper. His wife was a fun, intelligent woman who had two children. They, and my first wife and i, would regularly spend Thanksgiving at a destination. Dad would rent a cottage somewhere (the coast or the mountains), we'd arrive on Wednesday and stay until Sunday. In between were games, food and exploring.

Dad's love for his children was always conditional and never deep. Over my lifetime, my brother and sister each disappointed him in some way that would cause him to stop all contact. i was the last to fall when i left my first wife. i remember him calling me to tell me that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. That event was cause of much thought for many years as i wondered, "How can a parent not love their children unconditionally?" It took many years to conclude that dad never had the capacity to love completely. Either that, or he never really loved his children.

After i divorced my first wife, she kept in contact with both my mother and father,  and i'm aware that she calls mom weekly.  Now, my sister still tried to stay in contact with dad and he tolerated her questions about family history, which was her primary reason for trying to talk to him. Even when he entered the rest home, she continued to call him every few weeks to check in on him.
When she called recently, the rest home wouldn't tell her about dad or about his death. That was for "relatives." Really? His own daughter wasn't considered important enough to contact? So, my sister contacted his late wife's children to find out what they knew. It turns out that they were informed of his death, but nothing more. Since one is a CPA, he shared that he had helped my father with his will and that the entire estate would be going to my ex-wife.

So, my ex-wife, who lives two blocks away from me, knew for several weeks about dad's death and chose not to tell anyone in the family, or even to tell my mom during her weekly calls.
Incredible.

Welcome to my life.

Onward,

Laura

November 23, 2020

Coming Out

I came across an interesting coming out story on the LGBTQNation site about an ABC correspondent who described is coming out process. Advice to His Younger, Closeted Self (https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2019/10/abc-news-journalists-coming-day-letter-gives-advice-younger-closeted-self/). While he's much younger than i am, he still felt the same confusion when he was 12 and felt the need to hide his truth from others.

I connected with thiis final advice to his 12 year-old self,
"Don't rush it, kid. You don't need to reveal your secret just yet, if you don't want to. You're only 12. Just know that you're special, and someday you'll feel that too, and everything will be OK."
"When you're ready, start living your truth. That's when the magic happens."

Onward,

Laura

@LauraE 
Dear Laura:
I am so very glad to see that you have successfully been able to
get back onto the Forum.

Yes indeed, the big New Year's Day site crash took out many of our
member accounts, postings, private messages, etc... 

You will notice that the Forum is not quite the same as it was. 
Navigating around the site will take some time to get used to.
The site came back as it was 3 or 4 years earlier so many of the piece by piece
improvements and updates that our staff had performed in the last few years
were also missing.

The staff has been working overtime to put the pieces back together but
that will be an ongoing task for a while longer.
I advise you to find your way to  ANNOUNCEMENTS
                            https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,2.0.html
You will be able to read what went on before and after the crash .... and some
of the changes that are taking place with the Forum.

Well, the GOOD NEWS and a positive way to look at all of this is that we all
got a "Do-Over" button ... so, for many that means a fresh start.

AGAIN, WELCOME BACK,
HUGS, Danielle

Thank you, @Danielle. I see that you've been knocked back to your old profile too.

It really is a tragedy for all of us, including those new members who will miss out on all the adventures and stories that have been told the past four years. What's interesting is that I'd deleted this account during one of my two purges, but now that it's been rediscovered, it's nice to remember that I came to Susan's only a few days after coming out to my therapist 7 1/2 years ago.

It's going to take time to rebuild my blog, but at least I was lucky enough to draft all my posts before placing them here. Looking forward to your adventures.

Laura

November 27, 2020

Fulltime

I'm reminded of the quote i used in my last post, "When you're ready, start living your truth. That's when the magic happens."I'm ready for Laura to begin living authentically,

About half the time Laura presents, she's playing tennis with a group of friends on Friday mornings. Over the past several months, I've gradually come out to more people including more tennis friends and my regular singles partner whom I play every Monday. Because of all the love and acceptance i've received, I've felt more comfortable and confident being Laura on and off the court, despite being clocked.

Saturday tennis is always a group of 12 players, organized by one of the friends I'm out to. It's a rotating group of people with many playing every Saturday and some rotating in and out. Tomorrow, though, five people who know Laura will be playing so i'll be surrounded by a fair number of friends to support my first day living authentically.

I'll  update tomorrow after I play, but I'm feeling fairly positive about this next step in Laura's life.

Onward.

Laura

November 28, 2020

Full Time, Day 1

Today, i started living Laura's life authentically (well, mostly). The platform was a Saturday doubles group that alternates in attendees, but has a fairly stable core each week. Of the 12 players there, five already knew about Laura and had played with her. The remainder have only known of and have played with <deadname>.

As I arrived, about half the group had arrived and were warming up. Person 4, who organizes the group, noticed Laura and welcomed her.  Since two other women had just arrived before me, i went up to them and introduced myself as Laura and they greeted me back. Such as it went with the remainder of the players.
Laura had a good time. The entire morning, from the moment i began putting on my makeup to my arrival at the courts, i felt not an ounce of fear. A year ago, i couldn't imagine doing this, out of fear of rejection. What i'm certain of is that, on the surface, people are polite to your face and while some may be overtly welcoming, it's what happens behind the scenes and the next day that has a greater effect. As more people learn about Laura, particularly the women of Ladies Interclub, i'll find out who my new allies are.

One woman, while we were on a break between sets, asked about my transition and whether it was something i do on and off. I explained that today was my first day full time and i gave her a shortened history of my transition and coming out. She seemed accepting, as did most of the other players, many whom remembered to call me Laura instead of <deadname>.

Now, about that asterisk behind going full time.

Because i've regularly purged clothes during the first three years of Laura's life, i have no old clothes or wigs to use while working on my rental, painting, or doing yardwork. For those times, i'll be <deadname>. I suspect that within several months, i'll be able to rotate in an old pair of pants and an older wig for this work. However, today i came out to the world, releasing my friends from their confidentiality bond. People will talk and share now and in the near future, more players will meet Laura for the first time.

And i'm not worried.

oh, i used to be terrified of this moment and while it's possible i'm deluding myself, knowing i'm not yet passable, living my authentic life is more important that living a lie. For that, i've received much love from my friends today.

Onward.

Laura

November 30,2020

The whole process of coming out 24/7 is a slow reveal as more people meet Laura for the first time. Saturday, the day i started fulltime, six new tennis players met Laura. They had all known <deadname> so i'm certain this was the subject of conversation afterwards as they discussed this among themselves and shared with others.

Last weekend, I emailed the club tennis pro, announcing my transition with the Reader's Digest version, asking him to create a new account for Laura on the court reservation system, and telling him i was hoping to play with the Ladies' Interclub. He replied respectfully and encouraged me to give the ladies the benefit of the doubt, saying that many would be accepting and friendly

Today, Monday, my singles partner from the last 15 years, met Laura. I had only shared my story with him a few weeks ago, so we'll see how it goes. This will be my first time at the club as Laura, so whoever is there will also be curious.

And i'm not worried.

<coda> I had no idea the darkness that was coming for me.

Onward.

Laura

November 30, 2020, Part II

Laura Plays at the Tennis Club

Days like last Saturday, when i went 24/7 and played tennis with several people who knew <deadname> but were new to Laura, and today, when i played singles with my long term singles partner, were the primary reasons I stopped HRT and purged clothes the first three years of my transition.

Instead, i've embraced each new opportunity to be authentic. It's all between the ears.
What i hadn't realized before is that once i went 24/7, there would be a window with many firsts; the first time with others, the first time at the club,  etc. Today, was my first time at the tennis club as Laura and i was certain others would be there.

There were. As i arrived, four men were playing doubles on the court next to us. Now, these guys are a level up from me, being 4.0-4.5 players where i'm a 3.5 player. I've played with all of them at times, but very rarely not for awhile. They know <deadname>. Whereas i went up to each of the New To Laura people on Saturday, i went about my business playing tennis for the first time as Laura with my friend. Now, as i've explained before, he's been neutral about my transition, not saying anything positive or negative and today was about the same. We talked as we have when i was <deadname> but he never addressed me as Laura. I know i still need to give him time to adjust.'

i'm certain several of the men clocked me, although they were respectful not to stare. At one point, where i was retrieving a ball near the fence that separated us, I met the eyes of one of the players. We nodded to each other and i continued playing.

Part of the journey to be Laura has been to accepted at the club as her, particularly with he women of the Interclub. Several of the women i had shared Laura's story with over the summer are members of the team, so at least i'll have allies. However, i've now entered the territory where people are learning about Laura for the first time, and i'm fairly certain some of then will be confused, will share this info with others, and will gossip a bit. i can not expect that people who weren't friendly with <deadname> will instantly want to be friends with Laura. i'll need to give everyone time.

Now, i do understand why some people move in order to begin a new life where no one knows of their past and while i've prepared myself incase i choose that path, i'm doing my best to see if i can make it work here. That means knowing that everyone knows i used to be <deadnane> and now that i'm Laura. That whole concept caused me much stress and fear in the past and while i may be fooling myself, i've reached the point where i don't care if they don't accept me. What i know i'll discover during the next few months is who my real friends are and who aren't. The men today aren't friends with Laura, only people who are familiar with <deadname>. They can't hurt me.

So, for the next few weeks an increasing circle of players will meet Laura for the first time and i'll do my best to be friendly with them. As they say, If you Want a Friend, Be a Friend.
It's all between the ears.

Onward,

Laura

December 4, 2020

Pronouns

I want to share that something that completely made my day.

I've been full-time for a week now, but my Friday doubles' group has know and accepted Laura since last summer. It's always been a bit confusing, name wise, for me to be Laura on Friday and then <deadname> with the larger tennis group on Saturday. This has led some of them to call me <deadname> by accident on fridays.
It's take some time for Laura to feel completely comfortable with the Friday group, and at times she's been much more quiet than <deadname>. Our group has played together for more than 5 years, and our banter has been constant and unyieldingly fun.

As Laura becomes more comfortable in her skin,  now that she's  full-time, it's easier for the group to remember to name her correctly. While we were playing today, i said something that <deadname> would have said. Playful bantering really that Laura has been working into. Shortly after, Person One, the first person Laura came out to,   referred to me as "she", as she was talking to her partner, which is something i've never heard. That correct pronoun made my day. i know it may seem silly, but it meant everything to me.
@Pammie, @Danielle, & @EllenW
Believe me when i say that the occasion was momentous to me. I even texted my friend afterwards thanking her. I'm glad that things finally clicked "between the ears" so i could live authentically and stop caring if people accept or reject Laura.

I've a very interesting story about today's tennis group i'll share next.

Laura

December 5, 2020

Second Time with Saturday Tennis Group

While my Friday tennis group of just four players has known and played with Laura for some time, last Saturday I went full-time and introduced Laura to people who had previously known <deadname>. Today's 12 player group included four friends who knew Laura before, three who met Laura for the first time last week, and four players who were about to meet Laura for the first time.
And something happened with one of them that, four years ago, would have caused me to stop HRT, purge my clothes and quit tennis. It could have been THAT traumatic.

It didn't phase me a bit.

As i entered the courts today, i greeted my old friends as well as those who met me last week. For those who were meeting Laura for the first time, i went up to each individually and introduced myself. Now, my old friends are comfortable naming me, but some of the New To Laura friends are still a bit hesitant. I know this is a process for them. Even the conservative cop, whom i came out to last month and was quiet the first time we played together, now calls me Laura with ease. I know the New To Laura people will come around in time. In the meantime, i'm letting my confidence in myself shine through.
Two strange things happened today.

I must preface that we play four sets and have a different partner each set to make sure sets are balanced and we all have fun. It's always about fun and the bantering.
During the first set, my parter was a man who was new to Laura. As we were getting ready to play, he turned to me and said that i was pretty. Now, i've never considered myself attractive and while this interaction was strange to me, i can't say i was bothered by it. it's nice to be recognized.
The second incident though, was far different and took place during the second set when another New to Laura was on the court with me. This time, though, was different. I introduced myself to him, and after a few seconds, he literally fell to the ground laughing. Now, <deadname>/old Laura could have taken this the wrong way, feeling completely embarrassed and ashamed. I chose to rise above it and didn't show any emotion. I wasn't really bothered inside either and we began the second set.
Later, he apparently talked about this with one of my good friends, explaining that he thought my dressing up was a gag. My friend shared that it wasn't. After we finished the forth set, this man came over to me (he had been on another court) and apologized, explaining why he behaved so badly. Now, had a added a few words to my introduction, as my friends are encouraging me to do to provide some context, we might have avoided this incident.

So, next time when i introduce myself to a new person, i'll say, "Hi. I'm Laura. This is who i've always been and who i'll be from now on." That should do the trick. Oh, and the one new woman who met Laura today told my friend that she was happy for me.
so, yes, another extraordinary day.

Onward.

Laura

December 9, 2020

Name Change

Today i submitted all the forms to the court for my name and gender change. They'd been filled out for six months, just waiting for the space between my ears to be ready. Once i went full time, two weeks ago, and felt completely comfortable introducing myself to people who knew <deadname>,  I knew the time was right.

So, after playing tennis today with my good friends (all whom have known about Laura for at least five months), i drove down to the superior court clerk's office to submit the forms. It took some time for the clerk to review them, make small corrections that the self-help center had missed, and run my forms by her boss to make sure they were in order.

After about 30 minutes and $435, i was good to go, completely surprised when the clerk told me i should have the order in about 10 days. The advice i had read from CA's Transgender Law Center said it could take six to eight weeks, so i was a bit shocked/thrilled.
One strange thing happened though. As i was leaving the clerk's window, she had forgotten to give me copies of the application, so she called out to me, "Sir". Now, having just played tennis as Laura and presenting as her at the window, this came as a bit of a surprise and more than a bit disrespectful. I didn't let it bother me. Nor did i correct her. Like last Saturday when someone fell down laughing when they recognized me as <deadname>,  i decided not to care. I am who i am. i've finally gotten the "between the ears" thing right.

This small incident reminds me that my city and most cities south of me in the great central valley, received a grade of D from the Human Rights Campaign. That was one reason i was considering moving north where LGBT acceptance is greater.

i'm good though. i have friends who accept and support me. 

Onward.

Laura

December 19, 2020

Several Stories For You From the Past Week

i've been mostly offline the past week, although i have returned briefly to post news stories. i'm enjoying this new role so we can celebrate our little successes while understanding our continued challenges.

A few weeks ago, Time magazine listed their Top 100 Books of 2020. I tore out the pages and stapled them so i could browse them for a few months to pick possible reading fodder. One of the books, by a science fiction writer i like, turned out to be book two of a trilogy, so i download both from my county library to my e-reader. Several days of binge reading followed.

Now, i've been thinking of baking Christmas cookies ever since @Danielle posted pictures of her baked goods and while <deadname> NEVER baked Christmas cookies, Laura definitely wanted to. So, after researching cookie recipes online, i downloaded three to beta test before i made them for my friends. These included what are called thumbprint cookies, snow ball cookies (also called wedding or Russian cookies) and traditional stamped cookies.

It turned out that the recipes were well designed although i did save some notes to the PDFs for the next time; little things like baking time (which mostly always needed to be longer), and adding a little extra milk to make the dough more pliable. So, last Wednesday after tennis was baking day.
Boy, did i use a LOT of dishes, but over the course of the afternoon, had great fun. Some were eaten almost immediately, so i knew i had to get these out of the house. Sugar is my heroin. If it's around, I'll eat it. On Thursday, I put together a box of them and delivered them to Person One, who lives a few blocks away. Here they are.
(https://i.imgur.com/dUN8RKA.jpg)

I also put together a plate of cookies for one of my neighbors. Now, i'd told my neighbors about Laura several months ago, but they've never seen her, even though i'm mostly fulltime. So, i walked across the street (as Laura), knocked on the door, and delivered them. To my surprise, the wife, who had answered the door, remembered my name and thanked me.

Now that i've got this down, i'll be baking more on Tuesday.
On Thursday, Laura ordered a Tesla Model 3, Long Range,  as well as a charger for the garage. While the car should/may be ready for pickup in one or two weeks, the charger gets installed by an electrician next Wednesday. How exciting.

Finally, a tennis story.
Today was the third Saturday playing tennis as Laura, last Saturday being rained out.  While, my Friday doubles group consists of friends who have known Laura for many months and know her whole story, Saturday doubles, with 12 participants, consists of many regular players while several people New to Laura appear each week. Today, two women who knew and have played with <deadname> were there.
As i began warming up, one of the women was on the court next to me, so i walked over to her to introduce myself. She was quite friendly back. The second woman was farther from me, so i didn't immediately have a chance to meet her. However, as we finished warming up, the group leader, who is Person Five, called us all together. He introduced me to the whole group and asked if had anything to say, which was a bit of a surprise. The first thing i did, was turn to the second woman to introduce myself. I then told the group that this is who i've been and who i will be from now on. I think Person Five was expecting me to give the "whole" story, but that's something i'll save for people who become closer friends.

Still, Laura had a good week.

Onward.

Laura

December 30,2020

My New Tesla Model 3, Long Range
Buying an electric vehicle (EV) is something I've pondered for several years. yes, i'm a firm believer that climate change is real and that we have to reduce our carbon emissions. Up to this point, though, EVs haven't really made sense to me because they were quite expensive and their range wasn't comparable to gas-powered cars, what we EV snobs call Internal Combustion Engines (ICE).

I truly believe the EV market hasn't hit a tipping point yet, but will within the next five years. Every car manufacture is investing in battery technology and planning EV models in their lineups. However, the era where you can buy an Honda Civic-type EV is years off and since Consumer Reports believes that you should never buy a car that's in it's first year of release, i would be 75 before EV prices come down dramatically.

Remember when LCD TVs cost $10 or more? Now you can pick one up at Costco for under $500. That's the power of mass production. Between that and research into more powerful and efficient batteries, i'm certain EV prices will come down from the stratosphere.

My car choice was fairly simple. Most of Tesla's models are too pricey for me, but the Model 3, which has been out for three years, has worked out most of its bugs.
Now, base price of the standard Model 3 begins at $38K, which while being pricey, only gets you 260 miles of driving. With this being my final car, i needed a car could cover more distance before recharging. That ability to get a 353 mile range added $9K to the cost. Yes, more money than i'd like to spend, but now that i've sold one of my rentals, paid off my mortgage and decided to stay here rather than move, i was quite content with this decision. Plus, i'm going to save a bundle on fuel costs.
I ordered both the car and a home charger on December 17th, with the charger being installed last week. Lucky me. My local electrical district pays a $500 rebate for installing a home charger, which turns out to be the exact price charged by Tesla. My only cost was for the electrician to add a 60 amp, 240V line and connect the charger.

EV's aren't perfect, and i'll talk more about this in another post, but i'd say that we're no where near the point where Danielle will buy one. Cold weather, particularly in a small town in Alaska, dramatically reduces battery efficiency and while Tesla's models have a battery heater and cooling, i'm hearing of a 30% reduction in capacity during cold winters in the US. Here in sunny California, i'm not too worried.

Yesterday, i took a bus from my town to the Pleasanton BART station and took the train just one station, which is two blocks from the Tesla dealership. Here's my first picture of her as i was preparing for my inspection.

More on the next post.
(https://i.imgur.com/klrCTwc.jpg)

Onward.

Laura

January 1, 2021

Driving Tesla
This is part two of what is turning out to be a three part series. i promise the next and final post will be about the driving experience.

Regenerative Braking
If you've ever gone to Disneyland and ridden on the little cars in Tomorrow land,  you'll remember that the cars only had a gas pedal. You pressed it to go and when you lifted your foot off, the car slowed to a stop.  The  same happens in a Tesla. While we do have a brake pedal, regenerative braking allows the car to recapture some of the energy as you slow to a stop. i've rarely used my brake. Once you get used to slowly lifting your foot off the gas so the car will stop at the right place, it's fairly easy. In fact it really rewards more responsible driving so you'll get the maximum miles out of each charge.

i've never been a fan of automatic transmissions. All the cars i've owned in my life have been manual transmissions and what irked me about auto transmissions was that at intersections, you had to keep your foot on the brake so the car wouldn't creep forward. Now Tesla can be set to do the same thing, but most us choose the option of Hold, which keeps the car in place when you're at a stop, even on a hill.

Maintenance
Unlike gas cars, there's very little maintenance needed with a Tesla. Yes, i still have to replace the windshield wipers, the tires, and the 12 volt battery (i'm still confused why a car that has a GIANT battery needs a battery.) The only problem, though, is that the installed base of Teslas is still small enough that service centers aren't close to me. For my Honda, i can take my Civic to the Honda dealer in town (which i do) or to any of a variety of shops that cater to Japanese cars. Teslas, being entirely different, really require mechanics who know the specifics of our cars.
That may/should change as more cars are sold, but for now, i'll have to drive nearly an hour to the closest shop (which is the same place where i picked up my car.) Oh, the price we pay for being on the bleeding edge.

Headlights
While i'm past the days where i change the oil and filter on my cars, simple maintenance, like changing a burned out headlight, is relatively quick and cheap if you do it yourself.

NOT ON a TESLA.

Tesla headlamps are self-enclosed units and to replace them requires you to disassemble quite a bit of the car's frunk  and front bumper. I've seen the video and it's not for the light of heart. Headlight replacement by Tesla will set me back around $1K, far more than what it cost me to replace the lights on my Civic. Let's hope my headlights last for many many years.

Onward,

Laura May

January 16, 2021

My Electrolysis Dilemma

Back Story
I first began electrolysis more than four years ago, shortly after i began HRT for the first time. For about eight weeks, i'd lather up my face with lidocaine, wrap my face in plastic wrap, and make the 20 minute drive to a local electrologist. It wasn't fun and i found the lidocaine wearing off sooner than i'd like. It didn't help that my pain threshold wasn't as high as others. I stoped electrolysis when, after six weeks on HRT, i stopped out of fear, something that would dog me for the next three years until i came out to my best friend. That really was the turning point in my transition.
During each of the many times the first three years i attempted to  to stay on HRT, never lasting more than six weeks, electrolysis didn't cross my mind.

Staring HRT in Earnest
i began my current journey on October 7, 2019. At that time, i began planning to erase my beard growth through mass electrolysis at Precision in Chicago. I'd done the research between them an T2000 in Texas, but was impressed by the great reviews i was hearing from Precision's customers. While mass electrolysis is more expensive, i liked the idea of two technicians completing about 15 hours of work in one day, while wonderfully sedated. While the downside might be the additional cost of the flight to Chicago and two nights at a hotel, the convenience of only growing my beard once every six weeks was highly attractive. Plus, i really wanted to get most of the work done before going full time.

Then came COVID.

There just wasn't a chance i was about to fly commercial with COVID raging until i had access to the vaccine and while i have hopes of getting it this March. At that point, i was planning to begin traveling to Chicago.

Today
Now that i've been full time for nearly two months, i feel my electrolysis options are more limited. If i choose the Precision route, i only have to be <deadname> four days every six weeks in order to prepare for electrolysis. If i were to return to weekly sessions, Laura would be out of commission for three-plus days every week. I could shave Saturday morning, play tennis, and then not shave until my Precision appointment on Wednesday. Laura wouldn't be able to go outside Sunday through Tuesday due to a growing beard. 

Because i'm full time, all my tennis friends now have been playing with Laura since last October. Precision preparation would cancel tennis for me on Sunday-Tuesday, limiting that week to playing only on Friday and the weekend, but that would be a small price. There's just NO way <deadname> is going to play tennis again, not after my friends have gotten used to being around Laura. Some of them still accidentally dead name me, not out of disrespect but because muscle memory can be difficult to change.
GCS Preparation

A few weeks ago, after jumping through a variety of hoops with Kaiser, i received a referral for genital electrolysis at a shop in the Bay Area, about a 70 minute drive from my home. After this work has been completed, which should take about one year, my GCS can take place. 

The other day, i called them to set up an appointment and ended up having an interesting chat with the owner, who is also MTF. She came highly recommended by Kaiser and uses the Galvanic method. My first appointment is next Wednesday. As  we talked, she asked about facial clearing and i shared my desire to complete this at Precision, which didn't go over well. This owner/technician has strong feelings against mass electrolysis and mentioned T-2000 (in Texas) as problematic. She was fairly convinced and suggested i also get a referral from Kaiser for facial electrolysis which could be combined with my genital work each week, effectively driving once to get two things done.

Which sounds like a good idea.....I have asked Kaiser for a referral, but i'm fairly (ok, completely) cautious. As i shared above, i'm full-time now and if i choose weekly facial sessions, Laura will be cancelled Sunday through Wednesday since there's just NO way  Laura wants go be outside or around friends with a 1-4 day beard. It's a little disconcerting.

Onward,

Laura May

January 29, 2021

Tesla Review
I'm long overdue for a transition update, and while much has happened the past month, i promise a post soon. If you're a regular reader to my blog, you'll know this post will be long.
Today is my one month anniversary of owning a Tesla Model 3, Long Range, or as we snobs call M3LR. LOL. Now that i've driven it over a wide range of conditions, i feel i have a better perspective from which to post a review.

First, terms.
EV: Electric Vehicles
ICE: Internal Combustion Engines
i'm convinced that EVs are the future of ground transportation, and with GM now announcing that it will completely phase out ICE cars by 2035, the writing is on the wall for the industry. That's good news for research on battery technology that is lighter, more efficient, and cheaper. We're years away from the tipping point, but the end of ICE cars is in the not so near future.

ICE won't completely disappear, though. I still think that there are situations where an ICE is more effective, say in Alaska, and airplanes will never be battery driven.  Why?
It comes down to weight. My M3 weighs 4,000 pounds, much of which is from the battery, which affects tire duration by the way. My little plane carries 26 gallons of fuel and six quarts of oil, which comes to roughly 170 pounds. Any battery replacement would shorten range to a few laps around the traffic pattern before i'd have to recharge, so ICE is here to stay for airplanes.

Cost
It's certainly cheaper to own an EV. For comparison, my Honda Civic, which i sold last week, got around 37MPG on the highway and around 34MPG overall. At today's Costco price for fuel (2.95/gal), that comes down to around nine cents per mile, which doesn't include regular maintenance charges like oil changes. I drove my M3 887 miles over the past 30 days, including both city driving and four longer trips to the Bay Area. In all, the car consumed 220 Kilowatts of power from my home charger. At 15 cents per KW, the current winter rate in my town, that results in a cost of just under four cents per mile. My Civic would have consumed $77 of fuel, where my M3 used $33 of electricity.

Maintenance
Maintenance costs will also be lower. No more oil changes, radiator fluid, tune-ups, or belts to change. The few things that remain include windshield wipers and fluid, brakes and brake fluid, and the cabin filter. However, while i'll save substantially from yearly visits to maintain my Civic, my M3 should require service less often.  When the M3 does get serviced, i suspect the costs will be greater though. As i wrote about previously, changing the headlights, which being LED should last about 10 years, requires you to disassemble the front of the car to get to the light assembly. It's not for the casual user, so a trip to Tesla to replace the entire headlight will run around $1K. The cabin filter, which in most ICE cars is a fairly easy task to replace, is more difficult in a Tesla, requiring you to take off two panels inside the car. it's doable for me, but much less convenient.
Tires also are a greater expense. While my Civic's Micheline tires could last upwards of 80K miles, Tesla's tires, also Michelines, only run for around 25K miles. Why? I think it comes down to the car's weight which takes a greater toll.

Oh, and a side note about tires. Tesla neither carries a spare tire, nor a tire jack, which i found bothersome. While this may be a weight issue, a side benefit is that the trunk fairly large with a smaller storage space below. This is in addition to the front trunk, or frunk as we call it. The downside is dealing with flat tires, so i'm glad i've kept my AAA membership with it's 100 mile tow range. To deal with tires that may be leaking due to a nail or under pressure tires due to the cold, many of us (including me) have purchased a small compressor that attaches to the 12V port inside the car. It easily fits in my frunk along with a spare charger cable.

Operating System
I have a love/hate relationship with the Tesla operating system, or OS, which controls a majority of the car's systems. I think Tesla wrongly decided to move some functions, which in ICE cars are physical controls, to the OS instead. This has the advantage of making the dashboard cleaner, while creating a learning curve to use features as you're driving.

A great case in point are the windshield wipers, which on ICE cars are usually on the right stalk of the steering wheel. These are really perfectly designed because you can just twist the stalk to turn on and adjust the wiper speed as conditions change, without taking your eyes off the road. Not on a Tesla though.

To activate the wipers, you must press the Wiper icon on the OS, which pulls up the wiper menu. There you turn the wipers on and select the wiper pace. This wouldn't be so bad, but after you've made your choice, the menu disappears, requiring you to constantly reactivate the menu each time wiper conditions change. i've found this "feature" frustrating, something which could be fixed if Tesla would leave the interface up once the wipers are on. I really think the OS designers haven't considered the ergonomics of their interface. The only bright spot is that Tesla is constantly pushing out updates to all cars, some which have bug fixes while most have added features or improvements to the interface.  By the way, you can set the wipers to automatic, but i've found this feature problematic. The auto lights feature is far more accurate though.

The good news about the OS is that i have access to substantially more information about my car than in my Civic.

Visibility
Before my Civic, i owned a Subaru Forrester which was a perfect car for working on my rentals or going camping. I loved the forward, side and rear visibilities. Civic visibility forward and rear were fine but you really had to stretch to check your blindspots.  Tesla's forward visibility is great, but rear and side are a bit worse than my civic, partly because the trunk is higher causing a narrower window looking back. Yes, theres a back-up cam that's easily accessible on the OS, but i always feel i'm not getting the entire picture when i check the rear view mirror

Driving
The M3 is largely a joy to drive, with quick access to speed if you need it and a quiet ride that allows me to enjoy listening to music. Tesla's version of Cruise Control, called AutoPilot has two modes. In the first, you set the speed you wish to maintain. Within the OS, you also determine the amount of car lengths you'd like between you and the car ahead of you. So, if your set speed is 70 and you approach a car going 65, your car slows down to 65 and maintains the distance you've specified. i've set my car to a two second separation. Within the OS, you can also set an automatic cruise speed that is tied to the current road speed limit. In addition, you can increase or decrease  the speed In my case, i've set maximum speed at five MPH above the road limit. Once your speed is above 20MPH, clicking cruise control automatically directs the car to increase your speed your set limit. And, yes, those speeds are easily adjusted with a steering wheel roller button

In AutoPilot's second mode, the car does the above while staying within the current lane. It's a nice feature, but because Tesla now requires drivers to always have their hands on the wheel, it feels a bit redundant. If the car senses you're not paying attention, it first warns you and if you don't behave, it shuts off autopilot until your trip is finished.

There's so much more to say, but i've droned on long enough

Onward.

Laura

January 29, 2021, Part II

My Name Change Complication
i'm feeling fairly frustrated and while i was going to write about the past month in another post, i need to vent.
First, as of last Friday, my legal name is now Laura, but i've also changed my middle and last names. My first and last name come from my paternal grandmother while my new middle name is from my fraternal great-grandmother.

Monday afternoon, i received one certified copy of the court order, while also mailing the court (since COVID has closed them) for five more certified copies.
From all my research, i know first step is to apply for a new/updated Social Security card. Because of COVID, SSA offices are closed so you have to either drop off your paperwork or mail it in. Following the directions, i completed SSA-5 which is the request for change and included a certified copy of my name change order as well as a copy of my driver's license.  I submitted these to their dropbox on Tuesday. In today's mail, i received a reply back with a note on my license copy saying it's not the original.

Say what? i have to give them my original driver's license? Once i do that, i have no ID if i get pulled over and no ID to show to the DMV once i go to change my driver's license. Completely perplexed, i phoned SSA for an answer. The unfortunate news is that since my passport expired last year, and i hadn't renewed it due to both COVID and my impending name change, my only picture ID is my driver's license. i'll need to resubmit my materials and license Monday morning, but am told i'll get the license back in about a week. Still not a great choice, but SS cards are a required first step before i go to the DMV.
In the meantime, i expect the five certified copies to arrive next week, so i'll need to use my ID this weekend to notarize a statement for my birth certificate change. Oh, the hassle that's just beginning.

Laura

February 6, 2021

Update
Name Change
COVID thew a monkey wrench into the process for changing my name, but i'm still moving forward. On Monday, i dropped off a new application and my real driver's license to the local SSA. i've not heard back yet, but i'm hoping for my license to bounce back to me next week. The five certified copies of my name/gender court order arrived yesterday, so Friday i mailed the State to update my birth certificate as well as to order five certified copies of the new certificate. i'll need to wait for SSA to let me know all is ok before going to the DMV, my banks, etc.

Electrolysis
I began genital electrolysis last week,  and i'm pleased that sessions are two hours long with just a $5 co-pay. i've also received permission for her (the technician) to do facial electrolysis as well, so this week's session focused on my upper lip. She uses the galvanic method which is slower and while i do experience some pain at times, i'm thrilled to finally get the process going. Currently (no pun intended), i'm planning to do two facial sessions for every genital one. I can live with genital taking longer, but with 200 hours needed to complete facial work, i need to get going. i'm still planning to supplement this work with Precision in Chicago once i've had the vaccine.

Voice
I continue to have monthly online appointments with Kaiser's voice therapist. She's been quite helpful and i feel i'm making progress although i need to practice everyday. Last month, she recommended the app, Voice Tools, which is similar to Voice Analyst except it provides you real-time data about your frequency. This lets me stop and repeat a phrase if i notice my voice dropping too low so i can get it right. The only problem is that this is leading to a bit of voice dysphoria. My voice is noticeably higher now and i'm not used to it. Until recently, i hadn't even listened to my recorded voice because i was afraid of how it sounded.  My therapist pointed this dysphoria out and told me my voice is perfectly fine. I just need to keep practicing and listening to my new voice.

Life
It's hard to believe i've been full-time for more than two months now and that on the 18th, it will have been six months since my FFS. i'll provide an FFS update then.
I love flying and playing tennis as laura, practicing my voice when talking to air traffic controllers, as well as meeting new people each weekend in our Saturday group. Progress is one step at a time, and i'm pleased and thankful i'm at this point in my transition.

Onward.

Laura

February 28, 2021

Three Months FT
Today is the three month anniversary of going full time. It took me years to even be brave enough to tell one friend, and another 18 months afterwards to finally let the fear go, so i feel a bit proud I'm at this point. Many never make it here and I grieve for their pain.

HRT
Next week will be the 17 month mark since re-starting HRT and nothing has really changed in the past year. Yes, i'm losing muscle mass and my emotions are nicely softening.  Boobs are still an "A" cup, so sometime this summer/fall, i'll schedule a BA with Kaiser. Otherwise, i don't expect to update my HRT blog until the 18 month mark or beyond. i've recently posted a six month FFS post-op post to that thread.

Since going FT, my best friend says that i'm a different person; still funny, but more friendly and thoughtful. i'd have to agree. Those things were there before, but they're nicely enhanced now and the sharp edges of my personality have been softened. Once i learned my secret to going full-time, which is to not care what people think of my transition, i gained confidence and now carry myself happily when i'm outside. Yes, i'm certain i'm being "clocked", but living an authentic life is more important.
Every one who knew <deadname> has been gracious and accepting and while some accidentally <deadname> me while playing tennis, they always acknowledge their error. I do appreciate their efforts since some have known <deadname> for many years. I know it's an adjustment for them.

Not that i can say i've been embraced by the other women tennis players, but i have patience for that. (That is, women players haven't invited me to play in their foursomes, ut i know patience is required.) COVID has caused so many problems, tennis wise, and the tennis socials that would bring me around more people, have been canceled for the past year and beyond. I'm still hoping that when "ladies interclub" opens their try-outs in May, i'll be able to partner with another woman for the team.

Electrolysis
What a blessing that Kaiser covers electrolysis. While i met my current technician to begin GCS electrolysis, i quickly obtained permission to use her for facial work as well. While GCS is something i'd like, facial electrolysis is more important right now. I'll do my best to fit in some time for genital work, but the face takes priority.

My electrologist is a hoot. She's also transgender, so she totally gets what we MTFs are going through. I look forward to each Wednesday's two-hour session and now that the upper lip work is nearly done (thank God), we're making good progress. 

Name Change
Nothing happens quickly during transition, and the same can be said of changing your name. I'd done all the research and completed all the forms two years ago (i'm a bit of a planner).  It's hard to determine which event was happier: the day i received my name change order or the day my new driver's license arrived in the mail. There's something quite validating to having a photo ID with your new identity.

The majority of my major account name changes are either completed or in the process of being changed from my credit union and online bank, to my financial investments and birth certificate. <deadname> is slowly disappearing from my life. Strangely, the most difficult name change has been for my pilot's license, where the FAA requires me to appear in person at a local FAA office to present my new documents. Because of COVID, they currently require an appointment before arriving,  but after some nagging they finally contacted me and arranged for a Zoom meeting to complete the change. Oh, there were additional forms to fill out, scan, and send back, but i'm glad my license is updated now.
Now, I've never had to present my pilot's license since earning it more than 50 years ago, but all of us must carry it with us when we fly. Soon Laura's license will arrive in the mail.

My transition is far from over, for this is a thousand mile journey. However, since re-starting HRT in 2019, i feel like i've made steady progress towards the destination. 

Onward.

Laura

March 7, 2021

The Mask
First, no comments please. i'm falling down a hole and have taken several steps backward, but the last thing i want/need is sympathy/empathy here. I just want a place to express what's happening. I'm a writer at heart and writing is how I truly explore and express my thoughts.
I should start out with the positive.

I'm Laura, legally and actually, a decision i don't regret. Not once. I revel in shopping for her, doing my makeup, and being authentic in public. I'm glad i found the courage to go FT 3.5 months ago. My electrolysis moves forward, one, two-hour session at a time, with another 190 hours or so remaining until my face and neck are clear and my pores have smoothed over. Transition is a process, but alas not a fast one. LOL. HRT continues and i love what it's done to my personality, taking <deadname> who was already sensitive,  but rough around the edges, to someone who is softer. I cry more easily now. The name change process continues to move forward, with many smaller accounts and my property titles still on the To Do list, but i'm chipping away at the pile. You never really grasp how many places your name is attached to until you have to change every single one of them. Got my new checks with Laura's name recently. <deadname> is slowly disappearing,

My friends, neighbors, and pilots have accepted me completely and while i have no control over what is said behind my back, Laura exists around them.

While i came out to myself nearly five years ago, my journey was greatly slowed by my fears. Would my friends accept me? Could i ever be passable? Will people stare at me in pubic or would they perceive me as a woman and leave me alone? Would i ever see Laura in the mirror?

I was never brave enough to not care about these fears and just move forward. Each time i took a step forward, these fears eventually pulled me back. It was, and often still is, a lonely existence. It just that i cry more easily now when my fears pull me backwards.

I've taken so many steps forward the past 20 months since coming out to a good friend. During that time, i began to learn how my close friends didn't care about my transition, accepting me unconditionally and cheering me to keep moving forward. I restarted HRT, had FFS, changed my name, and eventually decided to not  care what others thought; to carry myself proudly and authentically when out as Laura. Being accepted and being passable are two different things though.

In some ways, i wear a mask. From the beginning, i've been terrified that i'd never be passable, that people would clock me easily and whisper behind my back. That fear didn't completely disappear when i went FT. I primarily decided to put on a mask and believe i didn't care what they thought. That's what gave me the energy/courage to carry myself proudly as Laura.

The mask is cracking though and has been for several weeks.

FSS was a critical step for me and while i know it doesn't work miracles, i was happy that it softened some of <deadname's> rough edges. Six weeks after surgery, i began to see parts of Laura in the mirror, more so after i'd dressed, done my makeup, and put on my wig. That's when i gathered the courage to be Laura outside with the friend's who i'd come out to. In most of the pictures i've taken and posted here, i was beginning to see Laura and believe she could blend in.

However, without these accessories, it's largely <deadname> i see in the mirror, not Laura, and that's the main source of my pain. I was able to not care for 3.5 + months,  but with the mask cracking, it's harder to hide my pain and fear, at least inside the house. Outside, the mask is still working, for now.
And it's more than not seeing Laura in the mirror before putting on my make-up and accessories; it's that i'm having a much harder time seeing her afterwards. My perception of what/who i look like shapes my reality. A while back, i wondered if i was brave or delusional for moving so far forward in my journey. Perhaps is been both.

Now 6.5 months post FFS, the face i have is the face i've gotten; HRT and FFS have taken me as far as they can.  Electrolysis will help just a bit, but i'm not going to become more passable from this point forward.

And so the mask begins to crack.

Again, no comments please.

Thank you for reading and for being here. Susan's has always been a safe space where i can bare my soul as i trudge the path forward.
Another post immediately follows.

Laura May

March 9, 2021

Act vs. Act
30 years ago, i was in the middle of team that was writing its first technology plan for our district. I'd  finished my Masters in Educational Technology at USF and was regarded as one of the tech leaders in my district. The writing team was led by our Director of Curriculum, Marilyn H, who turned out to be one of my first mentors.

There was conflict though. Our plan was being heavily influenced by the district superintendent, who had connections with a technology company who promoted a very early version of what would evolve to be e-learning programs, but what we teachers had nicknamed as "drill and kill programs." I was fighting what was turning out to be a losing battle and had become frustrated that our plan would not be more student centric.

Eventually, i met personally with Marilyn H about my concerns, knowing the battle was lost. It was that day, 30 years ago, that she told me this, "Faced with a situation, if you can make a difference, Act (as in take action). If you can't, Act (as in perform as if everything is all right.)" Those words have stayed with me all this time, though many battles, some that i was able to act on, and some that i had to perform through.

That's where i am today too.

When i came out as Laura to Person One, i began to gather the courage to Act (take action), which led me to assemble a new wardrobe, re-start HRT, complete my FFS, work on my female voice with a voice therapist and change my name. Going full time, though, was more of an Act (performance). With encouragement from my good friends, becoming Laura 24/7 was part action and part performance. Then, and now, i love assembling costumes, applying my make-up, and doing my best to perform as Laura when outside. Because i had trouble seeing her in the mirror, Laura was, and still is, performing. yes, she has the costume down pat and her voice seems authentic, but she's quite insecure about whether people see her as female and not someone just dressing the part. The mask has been an important shield for me these past 3.5 months, protecting me from my own insecurities. Up until now, i've had no clue whether my performances were believable or whether the audience has seen through my disguise. In many pictures i've taken, I see her clearly, even though the mirror tells me otherwise. As the mask began to crack, it's become much harder to see her, even after she's dressed for her performance.

i am still down but the performance will continue because Laura can not return to the beginning. I am her.  Laura spent three years living in fear, always returning to before the first step. Regardless of whether my performance is believable, i am a better/happier person as Laura than as <deadname.>
And so, i'll continue to Act (take action) where i can; electrolysis continues, breast augmentation is in the future, and i've arranged an appointment with my FFS surgeon both for a follow-up and for his advice for revisions and a face-lift, which he'd recommended during our first consult. I will take action where i can and until Laura reappears in the mirror, i'll continue to perform, doing my best to hide my pain and insecurities.

I want to personally thank Person One, who is reading this post. She's not a member here, but i share links to some of my posts so she can continue to learn what's in my head. She knows all my stories about why i feel insecure at times, but it's her friendship and encouragement that have helped me the most. It's why i chose her as Person One and i'll be forever thankful both for her friendship and for the times she whacks me on the side of the head when i'm wrong. That's what friends do.

Onward.

Laura

March 20, 2021

The First Day of Spring
I've continued to buy clothes and now that spring and summer are upon us, i thought a few hats were necessary. I do like the look and i'm looking forward to more of the clothe i ordered from Alex Mills
It's completely perplexing to me, too, that they'd accept my evidence a month ago and then change my name back. it feels fairly bothersome.

i've hunkered down and have sent them a formal letter with more than ample evidence, so hopefully we can correct that mistake.

Name changes seem to have some problems. For example, i changed my name with AAA and a few weeks i received snailmail addressed to Laura with my new AAA card, which had <DEADNAME>'s name on it. oh, just another day in paradise.

After crashing hard for three days, i'm trying to slowly dig my way out of the hole. Of coruse, it didn't help that one of my friends <deadnamed> me twice within several minutes when were talking on the phone. I completely lost it emotionally at that point and had to bury myself under the covers.
Today, at least i was able to play tennis with a 12-person group that has all accepted Laura, so while my mood began fairly somber, three hours of tennis helps tremendously. So did listening to music at home afterwards. I was going to finally get back to catching up on yard work, but sitting on the couch listening to Harry Styles album helped more.

Thank you all for helping.

Onward,

Laura

March 26, 2021

Person One
I've begun noticing a few friends that have slipped away. Originally supportive and nice, i find myself now excluded from their weekly doubles group, replaced with someone else.
My one steady friend, one i confide to, is Person One, and so as not to push her away, i purposefully limit my chats with her to every few weeks. This story is about our chat last week.

My Costco Story
Last week, i arrived at my local Costco and put my COVID mask on before leaving the car, which was parked close to the cart bin. In front of the bin was a family of four: a grandmother, what i assumed was her daughter, a small child, and a teenage boy. As i approached the bin, they were in front of it, in the process of putting the small child in the cart. I stood at a social distance for about 30 seconds, waiting for them to move so i could get my cart.

Finally, the grandmother, sensing my waiting, began turning towards me as she said, "there's a guy..." and stopped mid-sentence as she saw me. The family quickly departed towards the store. I got my cart and followed after them. During this time, the grandmother was chatting with her family when the teenager turned around and stared directly at me.

I'd been clocked.

While wearing a mask. Now, i didn't show my discomfort, although i felt uneasy inside.
When i shared this story with Person One, she was frank and said i needed to be prepared that i may never be passable. Believe me, this has been one of my triggers since i still can't see Laura in the mirror, with or without make-up. I know things will improve slightly after i've completed electrolysis and gotten a facelift or any revision FFS procedures.

My friend accepts me completely and encouraged me to carry myself proudly. As she talked, i heard echoes of Danielle speaking. She's right, of course.

Still, i don't like to be stared at. This journey is hard enough without knowing friends will drift away and people may be mean. I'll keep the mask on, though, and live my authentic life. i've come too far to give up.

Onward

Laura

April 9, 2021

Updates (This will be long, as usual). LOL
At 18 months on HRT, nearly eight months post FFS, and 4.5 months full time, every day is a new adventure. Having friends that accept me and having Susan's as a forum to express myself, i am content with who i am. Certainly, i'd love to have been free enough to transition when i was young, but here in 2021, we all stand on the shoulders of those who blazed the trail for us. Our community still faces hurdles put up by lawmakers, but our progress forward continues to inspire.

FFS
One of my challenges has been the difficulty in seeing Laura in the mirror, and that put me in a hole for a bit. When i look at the whole picture though, i'm proud of the progress i've made, and i take joy in so many little things, like buying new clothes, meeting new people during tennis, and the absolute acceptance i've received from my neighbors.

Still, it's better to take action if you see a hurdle, so next Friday i'll be meeting with my FFS surgeon to review my progress and ask for any revision work that he recommends. I know he had recommended a face lift during our initial consultation two years ago, so that's in my future too.
Figuring out how to go around a problem is how i determine what actions are possible. i've used this model for other obstacles as well

HRT
At 18 months on HRT, i know a BA is in my future too. While my Kaiser doc shared that i could consider a BA last fall during out last appointment and noted that the waiting time is about four months, i've learned recently that the waiting list is closer to one year. i'll be contacting her to obtain a consult for BA so i can get in line.

Electrolysis
Thinking of the race between the tortoise and the hare, electrolysis can be done quickly at a mass electrolysis site, like Precision in Chicago, or done more slowly with a local technician.
I finally began electrolysis two months ago, driving the 65 miles from my home into the Bay Area for a two-hour appointment each Wednesday. the work is slow, but i really like my technician who is also trans. she's really thorough and while i could be "under the needle" for two years, i'm content that we're making progress. i'm also fortunate that she only needs two day's growth, so i'm not experiencing the amount of dysphoria i had anticipated. i'm also content that i'm able to shave those areas on my face that aren't being worked on.

Tennis
This has been an area of concern the past month for two reasons.
First, because of COVID, i'm not playing as often as i like. Pre-COVID, i was playing four to five days each week, including my Monday Singles' match and a Friday foursome that i'd been part of for six years.
Then, one of our foursome got a tennis injury that kept her from playing for two months. During many of those Friday's, we brought in an alternate player to take her place, but around the holiday's, the group stopped meeting, with the leader saying he was busy....

For a time, i took the initiative to reach out to people to create a friday foursome, but even after our injured player returned, both she and the leader were always busy each Friday (they both still work). Eventually, i found out that the leader had reconstituted the group, excluding myself and Person One. I have to say that this felt very hurtful. The Friday group kept me going during my three-year divorce (oh, that's a whole story) and they were the first people who learned about Laura. Knowing that i'm no longer included stings.

Oh, i'm still taking part in the 12 member Saturday group, also organized by the leader, but for too many months, i was only playing twice each week.
It wasn't enough, both because my skills were getting rusty, but more importantly, because i sorely missed being around people.

So, i decided to go around.

In this case, i joined a public tennis club that's 30 minutes way. Dues are quite cheap, but they also have a separate women's group that puts on monthly women's tennis socials. This is the same group that organizes an Interclub team for their club that i'll talk about next. My first social with them is next Friday morning, after which i'll drive to the Bay Area for my FFS follow-up. The best thing about joining this group is that no one there knew <deadname> so even if they clock me, they'll have no institutional memory of who i used to be. i'm hoping that by meeting new people, i can both find new playing opportunities and make new friends.

Secondly, Interclub
Ladies Interclub is a competitive league where players from your club play other clubs in your region. In my club's case, six clubs participate with most clubs fielding two "A", two "B" and once "C" team, with each team consisting of 10 players or five double's teams. Playing in Interclub has been a desire since i first came out five years ago, partially because i'd be playing regularly but mostly because it's a way to make friends.

Most teams have tryouts in May for a team that will play from September until April.
About a month ago, the sign-up sheet for tryouts was posted at our club, so i placed my name on it and waited. After a few weeks, no other single players added their names although many two-member teams had added their names. Feeling frustrated because i had no way to find out who was in need of a partner, i began contacting some of the team captains to see if they knew of women who were looking. Several didn't respond and those that did were't helpful. It's hard to know at this point which is harder: breaking into Ladies Interclub or breaking into Fort Knox. That latter is probably easier.

So, i decided to go around.

After reasearching the other clubs that were part of the league i found that one of the clubs, located 30 minutes away, also had a team as well as monthly women's socials. So, i joined their club, signed up for their April social, and inquired about playing on their team. Next monday, their club pro will evaluate my skills so the league leaders will know where i should be placed, IF they can find me a partner. Yes, i know there's no guarantee that i'll be able to play with their team, but at least i was proactive. In addition, they'll know i exist since i'll be participating in their monthly socials.

One step forward at a time.

Onward.

@LauraE
Dear Laura:
I am enjoying reading your resurrected pre-site crash postings... lots of fond memories
for you and certainly for me as one of your avid followers.

I will be eagerly checking your Blog thread and elsewhere around the Forum for your
future postings...
... and keep digging up and posting your pre-crash posts as you find them.

Many HUGS,
Danielle

January 20, 2024

What Was Lost Has Been Found

At some point after I joined Susan's, I began crafting all my postings in Evernote, with separate notebooks for each of my topics. I'm able to reconstruct my blog because all my original writings were still available to me in Evernote. Now, I'd moved all of my blogs postings to Google Drive some time ago, as the medium was a bit easier, so I'm currently in the process of copying and pasting three years of posts back to Susans.

Now, today I found that the initial postings about my side thread, Laura's FFS Journey, are still posted at Susans, but because the January 1 crash erased more than three years of posts, most of that thread is missing.

Until now.

While poking around Evernote today, to see if any of my threads were there, I found both my FFS and Breast Augmentation posts. Not everything is included, but there is enough to reconstruct both threads, which I'll do after I complete my blog entries.

Good News, indeed.

Laura May

@LauraE
Dear Laura:
Yes indeed, very good news that you reported regarding your efforts to
re-issue your pre-crash threads... Laura's FFS Journey and your
Breast Augmentation thread. 

I am glad that you were able to dig them up from your records and previous
saving of your files on Evernote.

I will be looking forward to reading your reconstructed threads.
HUGS,
Danielle

April 16, 2021

A Surprise Story

While i have two other stories i want to share with you, including my follow-up FFS visit, i wanted to share this short story that touches my heart.

First history
I spent my career in education, with my first 20 years in the classroom. It was during this time that i became an early adopter of using technology to teach, which led to many wonderful leadership opportunities in my district. Eventually, i moved up the food chaing and to the county office of education where, eventually, i led a state-funded educational technology project.

All along, I was a member of Computer Using Educators, a CA group that put on two conferences a year and was mecca for us ed techies. After i joined the county office, i ran for and became a member of the CUE Board of Directors and after two years, became board president. To my surprise, after i retired, the Board awarded me their Platinum Award, the highest award granted by CUE. That plaque is displayed on a shelf in my family room, even though it shows Dead Name.

Well, tonight i received a text fro a current board member, one of the many people who were friends on <deadname's> FB profile and who came over to Laura's profile on the Day of Visibility. In her text, she mentioned that she knew i had won the Platinum award and would like to ask the board to reissue it in Laura's name. Now, the award is roughly 8x10 and is granite, so it's fairly hefty. But to be acknowledge as Laura on the award and in CUE's archives is most touching.

More stories later. It's been a busy week playing tennis, including two matches Saturday. Sunday, i' hoping to fly out to Half Moon bay for lunch.

Laura May

April 17, 2021

Interclub Tryouts
Just a week ago, i was blessed with a partner for our club's Ladies Interclub tryouts. Now, while she's still largely a beginner, she's working hard to improve, taking lessons both from her husband and from a tennis pro. She's 30 years younger than me and has so much energy and enthusiasm that i know we're going to have fun playing together. In our first week as partners, we've had five practice matches which have been an important way for us to learn how to play as a team. Our first challenge match is about a week off, so we're making the best of our off weeks. Tryouts last for two months and while the competition may be tough, we'll do our best. At the very least, i've made a new friend and other women will see that i'm more than able to be part of the final team. I'll keep you posted about our progress.

Women's Tennis Social
When I decided that I needed to be proactive about my own happiness, not only did I put my name on our club's Interclub sign-up sheet, but I also researched our team and the league they play in. It was then I found all the clubs that compete with our team, including a club located about 30 minutes away. This club operates at a large public complex so yearly dues are a fraction of what I pay at our club. This club also has a separate women's division that operates their interclub team and puts on monthly women's tennis socials. For $5, you get 2.5 hours of fun tennis competition with other women followed by lunch.

Friday, before my FFS appointment, i participated in the April social and my assigned partner, someone I've never played with before, did quite well against the Interclub "A" members we played against.

What was special to me was that the leader introduced all the players who were new to the club, after which many women came up to me to introduce themselves. Everyone was so incredible friendly and accepting, so I'll be attending all the future monthly get togethers. it's a great way to make new friends.

Now, while I'm certain I'm not passable, no one ever looked at me strangely, nor treated me any differently than the other Ciswomen. I felt at home and part of the group.

After we finished playing the five, short sets, one of the players called me over to her bench because she wanted to talk. Her first words were, "You're transgender, right?" OK, that was different, but i kept an open mind because she was searching for something. She explained that one of her nephews (an FTM) recently came out and while his parents are very accepting and proactive, this person was still getting used to the idea. she loves her nephew and wants the best for him, but since this was her first trans experience, she wanted the opinion of another transperson.

She does "get it" and i wasn't bothered that someone was asking for information and advice. I spent some time talking about "being trans", and the importance of our names and pronouns, answering her questions as they came. I'm at the point in my transition that i'm not bothered talking about my transition and some of the challenges we all face. It's one of the reasons i wrote the April 1 post to Laura's FB page to help my old friends understand a bit about our journey.

As we concluded, i knew she felt more informed about her nephew's needs and challenges and she's determined to accept him fully.

oh, how I wish people couldn't tell i'm trans. I'm at peace, though, and live as positively as possible. I am Laura and i'm proud to be full time.

Laura May

April 27, 2021

Tennis Update 
Just over two weeks ago, a stranger asked to be my partner for the Interclub League tryouts. Of the 17 teams on the try-out list, we were ranked 17th, meaning we'd need to win both our challenge matches to make the 21/22 team, which begins playing matches in September.

Because we'd never played together before, we organized six practice matches the past two weeks, so we could get used to playing together and i could learn her strengths and weaknesses. It turned out that despite playing only six months, she's improving quickly, learning from both her husband and through private lessons.

Today, we had our first challenge match, which we won, 6-4, 6-0, which means that in two weeks, our second challenge will determine whether we make the team. Now, she's 31 years younger than me, but she exudes positive energy and moves well around the court. She more than did her part today during out win.
So, we move forward, but more importantly, I've made a new friend, one who accepts me completely.

Laura May

May 16, 2021

I've not posted recently, hoping not to be over confident or too hopeful about making the Women's Interleague tennis team. After our fate is sealed this Tuesday, i'll share that story. Today, though, i have two wonderfully positive stories for you.

yes, this is another LONG post. LOL. I can't help myself.

As i shared before, i met my tennis partner just five weeks ago, her never having met <deadname>. Despite this, she was warm, accepting, and supportive from Day One. Because i can be wound tight on the courts (oh, and in life too), her calmness  and positive nature made her a perfect partner. While she's still learning and improving, i felt myself wanting to work harder so we could increase our chances to make the team. More on that later in the story.

A Supportive Surprise
As we began to practice constantly, people noticed us, and some in a not positive way. (Something about me being trans.) I expected this, but since my primary goal has been to make a few female friends and play often, i've done my best to ignore them.

However, several other players, including my partner, have noticed the backlash too, which is coming from who i'll refer as the "mean girls." Now, the mean girls don't really need a reason to hate you. They're fairly equal opportunity snobs, so as long as they're not in my face, having friends on the team makes it easier to ignore them.

Besides my partner, another player, much higher on the try-out ladder than we are, stopped me last week and asked me to be a fourth in a group she had assembled for last Friday. The mixed-doubles group included two, strong male players, so while i knew this would be good practice, i also worried about being equally competitive. This turned out to be not a problem. I had fun and did my part.
However, during one period between sets, i thanked my new friend for inviting me to play. She told me she'd become aware of the backlash about me and had created this opportunity to show others that i have friends (and good players) who totally accepted me and wanted to play with me.

During a week where i was feeling alone and fearful, this pulled me completely away from the rabbit hole i'd been trying not to slip down. i feel touched that someone would reach out to be supportive.

<coda> This began a nearly year long period where the hate directed towards me often sent me down the rabbit hole. Some posts after this, particularly from September until March, are dark.

Birthday Party Surprise
My partner's birthday was Saturday, May 15th, and while she's a full 30 years younger, i feel very close to her, which  amazes me since we've only known each other five weeks.
On Thursday, she invited me to a birthday party at her house, where only her best friends were coming. (knowing that i was one of them still brings tears to my eyes.) I purchased a nice gift but, more importantly, because she (and her friends) are Filipino, i took out my recipe for Filipino Macaroni Salad and made it two days in advance (so the flavors can merge). I usually make the salad a few times every summer, and, to my pleasant surprise, everyone loved it.

The only people i knew at her party were her, her husband and her daughter. The others, her close, long-time friends, were so accepting from the start. This could have been any get together of friends who share a meal, drink a bit of wine (or more than a bit), and talk stories. That i could be part of such a group of women has been one of my dreams since the day i came out to myself, five years ago. I was riding an emotionally high wave, one that lasted until nearly 1am.
Now, my friend and her husband have a nice, large house on the other side of town and recently installed a pool and spa. My friend had urged me to bring a swimsuit, but me being me, i was shy about wearing it, or being in the water with my partial wig.

It didn't matter. A few hours into the party, my partner announced that we (the women) were going to get in the spa. They all stripped to their bathing suits and while i said i'd just sit on the edge of the spa, they would not have it. They literally dragged me into the water. Now, i had dressed well for the party, wearing black shorts and a blue top. Along with my jewelry, i looked and felt pretty good. There i was, sitting in the spa, my shorts wet and my shirt wet up to my boobs. oh, this wasn't enough. They all urged me to take off my top so that i'd just be in my bra. Not only would they not take no for an answer, they grabbed my shirt and pulled it off me

Now i was sitting among women as one of them and for the next several hours, we talked and shared; drank and laughed, all while they showed that i was an equal among women. I wasn't <deadname>. I was Laura with her women friends. i have many pictures from Saturday, but the smile i have on all of them shows how much i appreciated being accepted. I felt sooo touched later when her husband told me that my partner loves me(as a great friend.) Even now as i write this, i feel so thankful and know this is the first of many.

Interleague
When luck knocks at your door, open it and be grateful that it came.
When no one else would partner with me for Interclub, you came forward and i gained both a talented partner and a new best friend. Starting as the last seed on the try-out ladder, we climbed up and today earned a spot on the team, winning 6-3, 4-6, and 6-0. Congratulations to my partner and friend, Yeng.
Today, Yeng and I won our challenge match, so now we're the 15th seed. We've made the team. At this point, i'm thinking about which "B" team i'd like to be a part of, the odds or the evens (since we're staggering teams.) While there are mean girls on both, as well as women who disprove of me on both, my main focus is to be on a team that has someone supportive. You and Dai are the two i'm trying to track before we decide to challenge next week.

Thank you all for your comments. My transition is far from complete, and while i toiled last summer to decide whether to stay or go, i'm glad i stayed. Not being passable, i would have been clocked here or there. What's different now, is that my goal to make new friends is being realized. I can begin to imagine what Danielle felt when she first became friends with her exercise mates, feeling like just another woman among them.

Yes, i know i have haters on the team, partly because i'm trans and partially because we've already eliminated some teammates friends from the team. It doesn't matter though. we played our way up the ladder, proving that we belong.

The "mean girls" will always be there, but if i can become close to a few other women, then all this work has been worthwhile.

Meanwhile, i'm buying a new swimsuit for the next time i'm invited into the spa. My new friend's best friends accept me as one of their own.

Onward

Laura

May 19, 2021

The Backlash: Mean Girls and Haters
I was expecting this from the start, knowing for the past five years that my being on the team would create problems. I wasn't wrong.

Both my partner and one of my friends have shared that the hate has increased since our win yesterday, and some women are threatening to quit the team, complaining that i'm still a man. Apparently, the main problem this week is that i dared to use the women's bathroom yesterday, the first time i had done so at our club. oh, i've used women's bathrooms and i'm over the fear i used to have when entering them. However, after the second set, my glasses were dirty and i needed to wash them, so i walked into the bathroom, washed them, and returned to the court. This single act created stir among some of the haters.

My friend suggested (and apologized for saying it) that i use the bathroom on the other side of the club, that this would make the other women feel comfortable. I replied that separate is not equal, that i've spent too many years hiding in fear and that i've risked everything to go full-time.

i suspect the problematic women are the team we beat yesterday. When i got to the sink in the bathroom, they were talking and turned to exit. In addition, they were on last year's team and now that we've beaten them, they're eliminated from the team. This was the second time my partner and i kicked former players off the team by beating them.
So, i move forward cautiously, glad i have several friends on the team and thankful my partner is also a close friend i can trust

Onward.

Laura

May 23, 2021

@Pammie: Us having an unfair advantage because we were born male is a false comparison....Both age and hormones have weakened me, but what is telling is that there are many cis-women on the team who are better players than i am.. I encourage you to pursue your dream and not feel guilty about feeling stronger. the USTA is fine with us playing on teams and in competitions.

Laura

May 23, 2021

Letter to Leslie Stall, of 60 Minutes, Re her story about detransitioning

As a transwoman, i'm disappointed in your one-sided story about detransitioning. In a few minutes, you did more damage to us than all the Red States have the past few months.
What's next? A story about women who regret getting abortions?

Transitioning is difficult and we face numerous hurdles, both internal and external, including from government, family, friends, employers and health insurance companies.

While you mentioned there were many reasons that people detransition, including family, employment and financial problems, you focused just on one segment, those who decided they weren't trans. The remainder stopped because of external problems. How about a longer story that highlights the difficulties we have during transition?

Yes, some people transition too quickly. It's part of the "i have to get there quickly because i've wasted too much time" syndrome. It's true that this group feels incomplete when they reach their goal too quickly, not because they're not trans but because they didn't do the mental work.
Transition is like a second puberty. It's a thousand-mile journey with countless tasks and obstacles. Most of us take several years to work our way through the path before we feel our transition is complete. Part of that is the mental work to become our new selves. It's similar to the process cis-people experience during their puberties.

However, in an era where we face new obstacles from Red States, you put is all in one box. We're already picked on from all quarters and now you've given new ammunition to our enemies.

Laura

May 25, 2021

Danielle, Rachel,and Creaky
Thank you for your thoughts and concerns. i, too, worry about me at times. This was just the largest skirmish of the war. The haters are still there but at least i know the team won't break apart. I'll still be dealing with them during the season.

What gives me strength is that i do have a few supporters and one incredible friend in my partner. We'll continue to do the hard work to prove ourselves and i know we'll make a few friends during the season.

Laura 

May 31, 2021

Interclub Update
i've been trying to keep my head down lately, still processing the hate that was directed towards me during Interclub tryouts. The worst is over as some of the insurrectionists were unable to disassemble the team and pull members away to a new club. Rather than feel a sense of relief that the team we'd earned a place in wouldn't dissolve, i've been mired in in the fact that only one person publicly stood up for me while the war was being waged. The remainder remained silent and complicit.

Since we earned a place on the team, it's been near impossible to find anyone to play with us. Just for a match we were hoping to play Tuesday, i contacted at least 10 people, all of whom were busy (or said they were.) In place of the matches we were hoping to schedule with other team members, we've improvised by playing doubles against my single's partner and his wife, and Yeng's husband has stepped in, playing with us as well. While these practice matches were fun and productive, feeling ostracized doesn't do anything for my mental health.

Today, we played doubles against my single's partner and wife, a match that last 2.5 hours and gave us ample opportunities to practice. I know we'll continue these Monday matches since the Interclub women won't play with us.

However, as we were resting between sets, one of the other Interclub members, one who knew <deadname> but had never met Laura, came over to our court to introduce herself to Yeng and me, while welcoming us to the team. I thought that was touching.

That afternoon, my friend Dai, who was the only person to stand up for me during the Mean Girls war and who has communicated continually with me during the try-out period, wrote that she thought it was nice that X came over to welcome us....We texted for a while, and she ended with this text, "More people will have the courage to publicly welcome you."

It took me a few hours for that last statement to register, but rather than feel a sense of optimism, it actually reflected something terrible, that people would need courage to be nice to me.
Emotionally, the events of the past few weeks, rattled me to the core. That i was the subject of so much hate by many and complicity by the remainder was disconcerting at the least and depressing at the most. As i've shared, being trans is tough. It took me years to gather the courage to be Laura in public and while i didn't expect everything was going to be sunshine and lollipops, i knew that the Mean Girls would be a problem. 

I didn't anticipate the degree of the problem or the emotional impact it would have on me.  Yes, it was generous for X to come over to welcome us, but undoing the damage that's been done will take some time.

Laura

June 2, 2021

Thank you commenters for reminding me that the glass is half full. Perhaps i was jaded with the acceptance i'd received since coming out to people since last October, while the sudden backlash against me hurt deeply.

I DO have so many things to be thankful for

I have a doubles partner who has become a close friend.
We made the interclub team
I'm full time, i love my legal name, and my neighbors have been incredibly accepting.
i've discovered that there's no such thing as too many clothes or shoes. LOL.
I love playing tennis as Laura and i can fly whenever the weather allows.
I have in Susan's both a support structure, a place to express my journey, and a sounding board.

Yes, i felt hurt by the events of the last several weeks, some of which was because i was transgender, but also because we removed several women from the team by beating them.
Rather than hold war trials to punish the criminals and those who remained silent, i need to keep an open heart and welcome these people back, giving them a chance to come over to the light.
As I've written before, by choosing to remain here, i've also chose to become a role model. For most, i'm the only transperson they've ever known and if we as a community are to continue to move forward, positive role models help lead the way.

Laura May

June 15, 2021

Person One (whom in later posts I identified as Nora)
Person One, who became a best friend two years ago, has treated me recently as if we're not friends. While <deadname> would have walked away, Laura needs to understand what's going on first before she makes a decision about our friendship.

I've had few friends during my life. My first good friend was a fellow theatre arts major in college. While neither of us considered the other as dating material, our friendship developed through college and extended through the beginning of my career. That is, until my first wife demanded that i cease communicating with her. Oh, jealously.

After my first marriage ended, i easily found her through the Internet and we started chatting again. It was apparent something had gone wrong in her life, but we kept talking and catching up. that is, until i married again and lost contact. Now, she seems to have disappeared from Google. I had suspected she was bi-polar, since the clues were there both in college and 20 years ago, and now i think chances are high that she's passed.

During my first marriage, i did become good friends with a fellow teacher. He and his wife, also a teacher, were social with my wife and myself, often visiting each other or vacationing at their cabin in the mountains. that friendship disappeared when i left my wife.
For the next 20 years, until Person One, i had no friends. Laura is doing her best to be more open and friendly, and <deadname's> positive aspects have been enhanced through my transition. Still, besides Person One, my tennis partner is my only other friend. As time passes, and more tennis women see that i'm not evil, i'm hoping things will change.

However, despite hanging out with Person One every few weeks, i've felt something was wrong when we played tennis. It began with a feeling that she didn't respect me as a player and that she looked down on me, not only not wanting to partner with me, but bothered when she had to play against me. Not that she thought i was an able competitor, but that i was less than, not strong enough to challenge her skills.

Laura

June 20, 2021

Role Model
I didn't sign up for this, to be a role model in my community and among my friends and acquaintances.
When i gathered the courage to go full time, seven months ago, i just wanted to live an authentic life, to enjoy being Laura, and to avoid conflict. Disappearing into a community is why many of us move after starting life 24/7, not wanting people to have the institutional memory of who you used to be. Staying always meant the risk that people wouldn't understand or agree with my decision.

As it turned out, I couldn't disappear. Not passing meant I'd always notice people turning their heads, always gossiping behind my back, and in my case, lobbying against me.

Transitioning is hard enough. Being somewhat slow and methodical, I've taken my time not to rush my transition. Not yet two years into transitioning (discounting three years of stopping and starting), I still have several years before my journey is complete. Just five months into electrolysis, I've at least 18 months more, if not longer. Breast Augmentation, while I've started the ball rolling, is at least a year away, given Kaiser's waiting list. While I've jumped through several hoops to begin GCS approval and the magic surgery date, this task is on hold until I can complete facial electrolysis.
So, i already have a lot on my plate and the emotional consequences of occasional dysphoria, dealing with gossip, and loneliness has its costs. Being a role model just adds to my work load.
And yet, i have no choice.

Those of us who transition now are standing on the shoulders of all those who were brave enough to come before us. We all benefit from the trail they've blazed for us. Yet, the trail is not fully paved, being littered with pot holes, detours, and restrictions. It turns out that the only way to improve the road is if we continue in their footsteps, being role models and educators for those who've never known a trans person. The more of us who are "out" help increase our approval, paving another mile of the trail for others behind us.

So, i try to keep my head high, to be the best Laura i can be, and to help my friends and acquaintances understand our need to transition. I teach a daily class called Transgender 101 and it's my job to help people pass the course.

I didn't sign up for this. It's just something I must do to survive.

Onward,

Laura

June 23, 2021

I've been thinking why i've been more distant on Susan's the past few months and the answers always point in the same direction. It's all been about the stress i feel about the hate i'm experiencing.
My tennis doubles partner and i made the Women's Interclub Team in May, starting a revolt among many women to leave the club to play elsewhere. While some of these women were those we'd beaten, and in turn removed them from the team, but several were players who are still on the team.

The 30 women on the team consist of 15 pairs, since we're playing doubles. These are broken into three group: One "A" team and two "B" teams who will begin playing teams from other clubs beginning in September. On my "B" team of 10 women, including my partner and myself, i know of three women who actively hate and gossip about me.

Yesterday, one of the women on our "B" team, who has been actively supportive since tryouts began, invited me to play with her at the club. It was the second time she'd done this in order to show other women that she accepts me. It was a wonderful morning of tennis, since she's in the B2 slot and my partner and i are in the B5 slot. (The strongest team is B1 and the weakest team is B5. However, all teams end up challenging teams during the season to move up the ladder, as my partner and i intend to do.)

What i learned yesterday was that this woman is also working actively to talk to the haters about accepting me. While part of me greatly appreciates her effort, the rest of me is horrified that she even HAS to do this, that like Blanch in Streetcar Named Desire said, "I depend on the kindness of strangers." Despite being a theatre arts major, i only want to blend in as Laura, not be in the spotlight because i'm trans.

This is the main source of my stress. oh, i could talk about the frustration of electrolysis taking so long or of the hoops i have to jump through to get BA, but those are procedural. In time, those things will happen, just like my FFS last year. I can control those. I can't control the hate. Nor can i feel comfortable that good people have to intervene on behalf just so i can survive.

Laura

July 18,2021

Visiting Mom
Today, I visited my mother for the first time in two years, COVID having created this distance. However, it was <deadname> who showed up, not Laura.I simply don't trust my mother with my story, so off went my makeup, nail polish and earrings, and on went a binder and male clothes i'd saved for occasions like this. Laura didn't like presenting as male, but she had no choice. Why?

First, a little history and a story.

My mom and dad divorced when i was 10, they having three children. i have an older brother, who is 74, and a younger sister who is 65. Within a few months of their divorce, mom was pregnant and married my step-father, a union that unfortunately still endures. From the beginning, he was selfish, immature, and beligernat person as well as a womanizer. They had two children, so i have a step-sister (who was born first) and a step-brother). Both are perfect in their eyes and as a result will be the sole beneficiaries of her parent's inheritance. I don't really care because i figured that out in my 20s and saved diligently over the years. i'm doing just fine financially.

During ages 12-15, my sister and i suffered though open war between mom and my step-father, the police coming to our house more often than i remember, us hiding from the battles. 
Both step-siblings are incredibly selfish and my half-brother is as big of an A-hole as his father. Still, they can do no wrong. As a result, the first children know that we're not really part of the present family, me figuring that out in my 20s and my sister just coming to that conclusion recently. She'd married someone just like my step-father so when that marriage ended a few years ago, she walked away with few assets. Still, with mom being 93, she feels an obligation to take care of her, my step-father not really caring. He's gotten meaner as he's aged.  i am only out to my sister and she's been incredibly supportive.

So, today <deadname> made the two-hour journey to the house my sister and her son bought, a refuge for when mom dies. My step-father is so toxic that, for her own sanity, she and my mom regularly escape to that house to be away from him.
the one good thing about COVID is that it gave me time to start being Laura, without any noticeable looks or questions from mom or her children. I got to grow my hair out, get FFS, as well as start HRT and electrolysis. Still, having to be <deadname> for a day was not healthy.
Below is message i sent to my sister after i returned home from the trip.

Dear <sister>,
Thank you for lunch today and for the tour of your beautiful home. I look forward to landing at Placerville airport to take you on a tour. Thanks also for the boxes of the family pictures we received from dad's estate. Scanning and connecting these pictures to Ancestry is going to be time consuming, but also fun and informative. I only wish that grandma and grandpa shared these when they were alive.

On the way home from Placerville, i was thinking about today's conversations, about how mom was feeling sad and how she was thinking that I don't love her.
That's a good question but I can't say for certain that I do. I've faked it for 40+ years, playing nice when talking on the phone or when meeting in person. I've hid my real feelings for so long, preferring to keep the peace, rather than standing up for myself, much like you did with <your ex-husband> and are probably doing with mom yourself.

Every Sunday, I remind myself to call mom and then I have a debate whether I want to be upset afterwards. That's why I call so infrequently. There's just so much pent up anger or disappointment inside me. Frankly, while I'll come up again to visit you and her, and attempt to play nice, I can't say these feelings will ever be resolved before or after her death. She may say she's sorry, as she did today, but as Rachel Maddow says, "Watch what they do, not what they say" which is another way of saying that actions speak louder than words. Mom's actions have never equaled her words.The bus we get thrown under is proof of that.

What upset me so much today was a reminder of how judgmental she can be and why I could never be honest with her, distancing myself as much as possible to avoid being upset.

We were talking about all kinds of family things when the conversation turned to <my first wife> and eventually to our divorce. At that point, she looked right in my eyes and reminded me that she cut me off from the family when i left <my wife>. Instead of ignoring her comment, I decided to stand up for myself. For seven years after her action, I had no contact with my family: no calls, no cards, and no invitations. It wasn't until <my brother> invited me to his wedding that things began to thaw.
Still, what kind of parent does that? What kind of parent pretends a child doesn't exist? Sure, she had a right to be disappointed at me, but I've seen that look of disappointment she directed at me today. It took me back to feelings I don't like having, that I either have to be perfect or pretend to be.
It hurts that dad and mom cut me off from their lives. That's not love. That's a reminder that the <first family> kids don't matter. <my half sister> can marry a bookie and that's ok? <My first wife> can withhold information about dad's death for one month and that's ok? When <my son> cut me out of his life 11 years ago, i tried hard for 10 years to reach out to him, sending cards as well as notes and letters, reminding him I love him and hoping we could be together. I'll never see <my son> again, but I still love him. For mom, though, I was simply invisible.

So, I'm sorry that she's upset and worried that I don't love her. However, she doesn't have the right to remind me of her judgment and expect me to pretend to be nice. I did so in the past. I hid all my feelings in the past, not wanting a conflict. I know, too, that she can never know Laura. I've always known that because instead of loving me as I am, as a loving parent would, she'd be judgmental. I simply don't trust her to share with her.

Onward,

Laura

July 25, 2021

It's story time, with a happy ending.

You Gotta Have Friends
I've been cycling in and out of sadness, born of Loneliness, the past month or so, with me crying myself to sleep, hugging my pillow, fairly regularly.
I've had few friends during my life and never more than one at a time. <deadname> always found it hard to reach out, to share, or to accept invitations to lunch, events, or parties....Being an introvert sucks. When i became Laura, i promised myself to be different and to accept any and all invitations, because once you start saying "no", those invitations start to disappear. That Person One became a close friend was a start and i do my best o feed that friendship. My tennis partner became a second best friend a few months ago, to my complete surprise and delight, but the drama surrounding the Interleague team weighed heavily on me.

Why? One of my dreams when i came out to myself five years ago this month was to play tennis on our club's team in an effort to make new women friends. The drama surrounding players lobbying against me brought me down. There are basically three types of players on the team: those who don't like me because i'm trans and believe i don't belong, those who are friends with the Mean Girls and know that if they play with me will face kickback, and a those who don't care what the Mean Girls say or do. About half the team is in the first group and about 40% are in the second group. Only one other woman, besides my partner, regularly invites me to play, mostly in defiance of the Mean Girls.
So, i concluded that my dream of making new friends was dead. yes, my partner and i made the team and we're having fun together. She really is amazing, and while i now have two close friends (a new record, LOL), both are married with families so their time is limited for us to spend time together. And thus, more loneliness, with little chance to make new friends on the team.
Then, something happened to break the spell.

I picked up an extra electrolysis session Saturday, because who doesn't love two hours of torture, and my intention was to stay in the Bay Area to attend the SF Giant's game, to which i'd purchased a ticket. However, during the session, my partner texted me with an invitation to a pool party she had planned with her other best friends. <deadname> would have declined. Laura changed her plans, ditched the game, and attended with a few bottles of wine.

It was just my partner, her two best friends in this town, and me. I wore the new swim suit i'd purchased after the last party in May, in anticipation of a future invitation. They loved the suit and we spent six hours talking, drinking, eating, swimming, and laughing.
It reminded me that the right friends are a blessing, that kindness is often appreciated and returned, and that i don't have to be afraid to reveal what's inside.

Saturday reminded me to ignore the haters, to continue to say "yes' and to treat everyone as i would want to be treated.  It also reminded me that i should appreciate this blessing.
(https://i.imgur.com/TaV0r8P.jpg)

Onward,

Laura

July 26, 2021

Name Change Olympics
As i've written about before, i initiated my name and gender change last December, receiving the court order in late January. Then began the gauntlet of changing my name in every nook and cranny that could be found. However, in late July, i still don't have my updated pilot's license.
The process began on February 24th where i participated in a hour long Zoom meeting with the Fresno FAA office, providing them a variety of documents to prove my identity along with the court order. In return, they had me fill out several additional forms, sign and scan them, and return them during the call, all encrypted. Once completed, they submitted the application electronically to the FAA.

Or not.

Now, all airmen records are online at the FAA web site, so i can find out their processing times and access my license to see if it's updated

By May, after seeing that the FAA was processing licenses submitted in April, i wrote to the FAA. I then discovered that the Fresno office was mistaken that the paperwork could be completed online. The FAA wanted paper. So, after contacting Fresno again, he collected the documents and sent them to the main FAA office.

Or not.

Last week, i noticed that the FAA was working on applications dated late June and given that the Fresno office sent them on May 19th, i again wrote to the FAA, and found that that they've not received the May 19th communication. Really? Again?

So, i once again contacted Fresno and they resubmitted all my paper work again.
Or not....

Now, they also sent me the temporary license they'd created on February 24th. How nice, except that temporary certificates are only valid for 120 days, meaning that it expired last month.
another day in the FAA paradise.

Onward.

Laura

July 31, 2021

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on July 25, 2021, 11:54:59 PMJust maybe you can cultivate some new friends with the gals that your tennis partner also invited to the pool party. 
Your friend's friends are a good source of prospective accepting friendships, don't let that opportunity go to waste.
You are correct about if you refuse invitations repeatedly that soon many of those invitations start to disappear. 
In fact, one thing that I have done
         (which could be construed as my Free Advice and Suggestion for you)
is to have many activities that i have been able to INVITE friends and acquaintances (that can become future friends) to my home for game nights, potluck food meals, outdoor grilling, meals out at a restaurant, hiking, picnics...  individually or as a small group.   I stay involved in my weekly gym gals group, book club, etc, etc.   
My personal credo that I try to live by is:
"If you want friends, be friendly, be the first to smile and to say hello ... and to even start a brief conversation."

One of my best friends here on the forums (@Jessica) who is no longer very active here has an excellent philosophy regarding making friends posted in her signature line on her profile.
    "If you go out looking for friends, you are going to find they are very scarce.  If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere."

It Ain't That Easy
I've been contemplating @Danielle's advice and, of course, she is correct. Knowing and doing are two different things though.

I have and continue to be a shy introvert who has been lonely most of my life, even when married. As i wrote previously, I've never had more than one friend at a time, and until two years ago when Person One became a best friend, I'd gone decades with no friends.

Why? Mostly it's lack of self confidence. Trying to make friends or be a friend is like dating. You have to instigate the first contact and be willing to be rejected. While I accomplished much during my career, i never really cultivated any deep friendships among the many people with whom i collaborated. Sure, i could lead, create, write well, and collaborate and in those things i felt confident. Reaching out to see if someone could be a friend was much, much harder.

That i have two best friends at the same time IS progress, and while Laura is committed to saying "yes" to invitations, it's harder to risk rejection.
Danielle's advice is similar to an old saying, "If you want a friend, Be a friend", something i've always been aware of, yet unable to do. That lack of self-confidence is self-perpetuating, I know. And yet, i have to begin trying.

One of my tennis partner's friends, someone who came to last week's pool party, has begun learning to play tennis with her friend, but was feeling unconfident about her play. While we encouraged her to practice with us, she always declined. However, i know my tennis partner would love to see her friend on the courts and because i think this person could be a friend to me, i've initiated conversations with her about practicing, offering to bring my basket of balls to work with her. Today, i found a little success as she agreed to hit with me next week.
This making friends business is new to me, which is kind of sad at my age, but I don't want to be lonely the rest my life, either.

Going forward, i'll have to be more open to considering whether  some people have the potential to become more than just tennis friends. Knowing the currently make-up of our tennis team, and after the drama of try-outs, i doubt whether any could be friends. I have to remain open though, continue to say yes, and see what happens.

Onward,

Laura

August 11, 2021

I've not had a need for a long dialogue here lately. It's summer and i'm trying to stay busy, but in the end, the rabbit hole is never far away. Too many things are on my mind.

Lesson from a Cat
True story. When I was 25 and living in an apartment in the bad side of town during my first year of teaching, a stray cat taught me an important lesson.
No matter how much you desire it or how hard you try, no one has to be your friend. No one has to love you. They do or they don't. It's their choice.

Electrolysis
I knew going in to electrolysis that the process would take around 200 hours, or with my two-hour weekly appointments, about two years, but i've been feeling frustrated. Since early February, I've been driving out to the Bay Area each week for my appointment. Now that the appointments have changed to Tuesday morning at 7:45am, i leave the house at 5:30am to fight the daily commute traffic, which isn't terrible yet, but i expect to get much worse as school starts. Rainy weather this winter will quickly double my commute time.

I'm 51 hours into the process now and am becoming frustrated. After seven months, we are still on my upper lip and chin. oh, she finished the upper lip months ago, but now dormant hair has begun growing which will take several sessions to clear. The same is happening with my chin. Each month, i tell myself that my chin will be done in a few weeks, a goal line that never arrives. Now secondary growth is occurring on my chin, so instead of getting to work on my cheeks or neck, i'm at least a month from being finished with this part of my face. But then, i said that a month ago.
Yes, patience is key in all aspects of transition, from waiting for HRT to take effect, waiting for your FFS or from recovery from FFS. Transitioning is a thousand mile journey that can't be rushed. i've always subscribed to that. However, both the dysphoria of not shaving for three days each week plus the frustration of not getting further down the road, wears me down.

The Team
Our tennis team's season begins on Wednesday, September 8th, a day after my 70th birthday, which is electrolysis day. I anticipate I'll be alone that day. Team members continue to ask my partner to play with them, excluding me from their invitation. I'm resigned that my goal to make a few new friends is fruitless.

At least the uniforms they chose this year beautiful.

My partner's two best friends in this city are both nurses and one of them was taking tennis lessons until recently. Now, my partner would love for her friend to return to the game so that this would be something we could all share. To that end, i've been reaching out to her friend to practice and last week was our first session. I tossed balls to her for an hour and guided her to improve her forehand and backhand strokes, something she appreciated. I do wish she would want to hit more often, but i'm just trying to go at her speed and trying not to scare her away. she's a wonderful person and since she's my partner's best friend, i hope she'd want to be my friend too. time will tell. The cat is right.

The Rabbit Hole
I don't want to dwell on my loneliness, but it's what continues to pull me towards the hole. I want so desperately to make a few friends and while i do my best to reach out and to be friendly, the  cat was right. No one has to like you. i'm tired of crying though.

Family Pictures
While my father left his entire estate to my ex-wife, she didn't want four large boxes of family pictures, mostly taken by my grandparents. My sister received these through an intermediary, even though my ex- lives two blocks from my house. oh, she's not bitter. LOL.

Scanning all these, to make a digital archive for my siblings and their children, is a monumental, time-consuming process and while i'm only part way through the first box, I'm discovering parts of my grandparents' lives i'd not been aware of. My sister and i are utilizing our separate Ancestry trees to track down some information, but eventually, after completing this project, we'll want to reach out to distant cousins, who also have a family tree. Below is my favorite picture, so far, of my grandfather, Clay. Taken around 1918, when he was 17 or 18 and before he met my grandmother, you can see his whole life is before him.
(https://i.imgur.com/hBkRZZI.jpg)

BA
I've been jumping through the right hoops for BA and i have a video appointment with the surgeon's office Friday. I'll update that thread afterwards. i AM  glad that Susan's added the sub-category.

Onward

Laura

August 13, 2021

To Play or Not to Play
That is the question I'm pondering recently.

One of the main reasons i wanted so badly to be part of our club's interleague tennis team was to make a few friends. If you've followed my thread, you know that most of the women believe i don't belong. Oh, none of this has been overt, so i've only learned of their transphobia from others. It's why i considered moving last year before deciding to ride my transition out here.

Yes, my tennis partner is a close friend, and for that i'm thankful.

However, i had hoped to enjoy being around other women. So much of my sadness the past few months is because of the rejection i've faced. Oh, everyone mostly smiles, but behind the scenes, there is more displeasure with my presence than i an ignore emotionally.

One of the regular events i had so looked forward to are their regular "Play Dates" where the team gets together for social play followed by lunch. These would have been wonderful opportunities to get to know others on the team and for them to see i'm not a bad person. Our first play date is scheduled for Friday, September 10th.

I'm divided about participating. A big part of me doesn't want to be around people who hate me so easily, even though it's never overt. Just knowing they do hurts. A small part me wants to play, partially to show them that i'm a good person and partially as a definant act, almost saying, "You can hate me, but you can't make me go away."
Part of me just wants to go away though. I want to play, I need to be around people, and I don't want to be lonely.

So, i've been divided about the question, "To Play, or Not to Play."
I'd appreciate your advice.

Laura

January 22, 2023

The Great Crash of '24
I feel lucky. While so many at Susan's lost all their posts from the past four and a half years, I was fortunate that I've always drafted my entries before posting. Until a year ago, all those entries were written in Evernote. I've since moved my blog over to Google Docs, which is why I'm able to rebuild it on Susan's.

Last week, I ventured over to Evernote to see if some of my important threads were still available, and yes they were. That's why My FFS Journey is back on Susans' and soon my Breast Augmentation posts return. Today, I found the last important thread, Should I Stay or Should I Go, I'll be posting that first.

Laura

August 15, 2021

Therapy
First, i want to thank all of you for reading my journal/blog and responding with your support and advice. Writing is how i process my thoughts so even if Susan's didn't exist, i'd still be journaling my trials, tribulations, and successes off line. Susan's is a bit like online therapy for me, since i don't have anyone to share these things IRL. Oh, i do have a best/close friend and i've shared much with her. However, she's busy with her life and family so i save sharing for times we have alone.

Recently, i've wondered if i need therapy IRL. After my last marriage crashed and burned six years ago, i sought out therapy for a year to deal with my feelings and find closure. It was the best decision i've made, partially because i needed closure and partially because the box that contained Laura finally unlocked to free her. I try not to make rash decisios so while i'm running this possibility through my head, i'm unsure whether it would help with my particular problems.

Some thoughts about your thoughts.
Thank you for your virtual hug, @Danielle. I do wish, at times, for the closeness that a real hug brings, so yours helped a bit.

Quote from: Rachel Montgomery on August 14, 2021, 10:00:49 AM... Where you play is up to you.  You can't force people to accept you.  All you can do is be good to them.  If they want to be mean, or reject you...that is for them to decide. 
Life is too short to waste trying to please people who refuse to be pleased.  If you are at least hopeful that there is a place for you there, I say stay.  But, if you have lost hope, it is probably better for you to go.

I do agree with you, @Rachel Montgomery. Even before i went FT last November, i had considered moving far away to start Laura's life fresh, free of the bonds and history associated with <deadname>. I received so much great advice on my Stay or Go thread, but in the end, i thought staying was worth the risk. I'm not yet convinced this was the best decision, but i need to let this one play out.
Yes, many/most on the team believe i shouldn't exist, not be a part of the team. it's really got nothing to do with my skill level, since my partner and i are on the bottom of the ladder. It's more to do with them not seeing me as a person, but more of a less than. At this point, i know i'll never make friends of these people.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on August 14, 2021, 10:21:14 AMIt might serve your de sire to play and be accepted if you throttle back your power, which estrogen and time are already, slowly doing.

I wish it was that easy, @OldAndCreaky. There are 30 women on the team, or 15 pairs. Our team consists of two division: one "A" team, of five parings, and two "B" teams. My partner and i are B5, or on the bottom of one of the B teams. Many/most of the players are better than i am, and while i do have some strength, the "A" players are certainly better players as are the B1 and B2 pairings. I won't really know for a few months how my partner and i stack up, since the season only begins on September 8th. If we do well, we'll consider challenging those parings above us so we can move up the ladder.

Quote from: sarahc on August 14, 2021, 04:27:32 PMFrom one tennis player to another, play.
Tennis is obviously one of your greatest joys so don't give this up. I know it's hard to be brave time after time but that's what we have to do sometimes to get what we want. Keep showing up and show your joy in every point. Don't let the party poopers spoil your mood.

Thank you, @SarahC. This is the path i've chosen, and while <deadname> would have chosen to hide in the house, Laura's dream is to be on the team. Whether it will continue to be my nightmare has yet to be determined. i'm not going to let them chase me away, for now.
Oh, and our Interleague team is not USTA, although it is competitive.

I too am an average player, @Pammie, although i continue to take lessons to be more consistent. I do want to help my partner to deliver wins for our team. I've actually felt more acceptance in tournaments away from our club. it's the Mean Girls that concern me, since i'll be around them all year.

Onward,

Laura

August 15, 2021

CODA
It's almost funny that i spent four years being terrified that i'd never pass and never blend in. Now, nine months after going FT, i'm certain that's the case. Every day I'm out in the public, i get clocked and I get stares. Just today, i was at Walgreens getting a new passport photo taken. A man and his son were on one of the computers ordering copies of pictures. During the time i was there, he kept turning to stare at me, something that previously would have made me run. It's funny that getting clocked was the least of my worries.

While paying for my photo, the clerk pulled up my account and my <deadname> appeared, embarrassing me. I asked if i could change my name in their system and the clerk took my driver's license and did the update. While typing, she asked why i changed my name. I responded, "....because that's who i am now." This was a bit of a teachable moment where Laura gets to be ambassador for our community. I do wish i had that opportunity with members of our team.

Time will tell.

Onward.

Laura

August 26, 2021

Escaping the Event Horizon
or
The Intersection of My Going Full-Time and the Rabbit Hole
Laura, you think, why are you titling all your posts? Well, if you've been paying attention, I title most of my writings. These are, for me, little essays I write offline about what's in my head, and when I'm ready, I post them here. These aren't assignments for a class, nor chapters in a forth coming book. No. Not being a Jenner, nor a Kardashian, the Cis-world has little interest in the trials and tribulations of our lives and transitions. That's why Susan's is so important. Susan funds this out of her house, and I hear the servers are in her basement, so thank the Internet Gods each time you arrive here.

If you've not donated to Susan's in the past year, or at all, it's time to pony up for this great forum that we all need. Here's the link to Donate (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?PHPSESSID=tc82vc7qp4vd3ltcpd7k4dhk85&action=treasury;eid=) .
Now, for today's essay.

Black Holes are powerful places where so much mass is crammed into so little space, that gravity is an overpowering bully.  The 'event horizon' is the boundary defining the region of space around a black hole from which nothing (not even light) can escape.  On one side,  things can exist, rotating around this mass as planets do around our sun. However, once objects pass through the event horizon, they're unable to escape.

Since I went full-time nine months ago, i've written several times about my trying not to fall down the rabbit hole, or in this example, being pulled past the event horizon.  Much of this summer I've struggled with the power that sadness can have on us. Now that I'm on the other side, it's time to reflect on the events that dragged me towards the Event Horizon, why its gravity was so powerful, and how i escaped.

I've chronicled quite a bit the past seven months about a sadness i've felt at times. Besides playing tennis, which keeps me going, I've been constantly behind on housework, yardwork, and my rental work. It was much easier to sit on the couch procrastinating, watching Korean romantic comedies on Netflix (yes, that's a thing. A sixteen episode series can consume lots of couch time.) I found it hard to motivate myself and loneliness prevailed.

As I've shared before, two main threads led to gravity's pull: the first is the hate I've felt from the majority of women on my tennis team. It's never been overt, but it's there none the less.  The second source, I'm now able to see, was my grieving over losing several friends who supported my transition, friends who i first came out to, people, who i'd played with regularly for years, and who were a source of joy each Friday and Saturday.  Person One is part of that group. The gravity pull towards the Event Horizon from losing these special friends from my life kept me grieving all summer.  As i wrote in Laura's FB page the day i introduced her to my old friends,, "LOSING FAMILY AND FRIENDS IS PART OF THE PRICE OF ADMISSION. Some reject you outright and others act supportive and then just fade away. I didn't expect everyone to come." These friends just faded away.

Having finished the grieving process and moved on to acceptance, I'm thankful for those whose gravity pulled me away; my tennis partner, ever positive and loyal, my local version of Danielle. I find her other best friends to be fairly special too, and I'm working to help one of them re-enter tennis playing by hitting with her; My tennis coach, who was someone who supported me even before he met me. Last spring, My partner  and several of the mean girls from the team were taking lessons from him and he was booked solidly. After the mean girls continued to complain about me and attempted their coup, he put them in their place and cut them from his coaching. All this before he even met me. That's character.
He's been my coach for several months now and besides being a great teacher, he's also an amazing supporter who worked to clear my head of the self-doubt that brings down my tennis game, as well as my self-confidence. He reminds me that I'm a strong player and a good person, someone who plays well as long as i stay positive. In that aspect, he's Danielle with a tennis racket.
I feel blessed to be around both of these people and with the tennis league starting in two weeks, I'm finally in a place where I'm happy and ready . Grieving done. Acceptance is here. Chores are slowly catching up, but there's forward progress. In the end, more Danielles in my life has been a powerful source of gravity, pulling me away from the event horizon.

My first mammogram is this Sunday and i have an in-office visit with a plastic surgeon to plan my BA on the 8th. More on both of those in future posts.

Onward.

Laura

September 7, 2021

Having returned from the Bay Area after two hours of needles and pain, aka electrolysis, i've showered, watched a bit of US Open tennis, and am now filling you in on my week.

First, thank you @Danielle, @Davina61, and @Rachel Montgomery for the birthday wishes as well as your constant encouragement. I've not written lately because there wasn't much to report. This week, though, provides a host of topics to share: Our first Ladies Interclub match, my in-person visit with the Boob Fairy, and a Ladies Interclub Play Day where we'll play for a few hours followed by a lunch together. All these will prove interesting posts in the next few days.

70
<explictive beginning with a D>
I hated turning 60 because that's when middle age ends and our sunset years begin. Now starting my eighth decade on earth, i'm happy that at least i was brave enough to finally be Laura. It certainly would have been nicer to have transitioned much earlier, but conditions weren't right for me.
I'm certain I'm fully away from the Event Horizon and while i can't fly because the smoke from the many California fires, I'll will return to the sky soon.

Tomorrow, our first match and an afternoon visit with my surgeon. I'll provide my next update Wednesday night.

Onward

Laura

September 10, 2021

Ladies Play Day
One of the features of the Ladies Interclub League is that they get together several times each year in a tennis social format followed by lunch. Today was their first event of the year.
Now, our club has 30 members on our team divided into three teams: one A team and two B teams. Normally, we only have contact with the members of our individual teams because we all play on different days, and the B teams alternate between home and away games. The social format allows all of us to mix, although attendance is voluntary. Of the 30, 12 attended today's event.

When the play day was announced a month ago, i labored over whether to participate. While i do have serveral friends and supporters on the team, the haters vastly out number them. I wasn't sure if i could handle being around people who hate me, even though it's normally covert.
We played three sets today, and parings were determined beforehand so that we'd partner and play against with different people. A nice way to spend time with both friends and those you're unfamiliar with.
The first set was uneventful. The second set pretty much destroyed me. My partner was the captain of the A team, and a fairly skilled player. During the first game, when we were on the receiving end, my partner hit a fairly easy ball into the net. I mistakenly made a joke about the error which set off her anger. She turned around and told me she didn't appreciate my sense of humor. I apologized immediately and we completed the game. She wanted to serve during the second game, but before hand, i walked up to her and again deeply apologized. It didn't make a difference in her attitude towards me though. The remainder of the set, she was cold towards me. i felt miserable.

Now, while it's possible she was only angry because of my humor, i think much more was going on. I think my bad joke gave her an excuse to make her hatred towards me more overt.
After the set was over, we had time before the third set while others were finishing their second sets. I felt terrible so i found a place where i could cry alone. Frankly, i would have gone home but i couldn't do that to the people i'd be playing in the third set, whom ever they'd be.
As it turned out, i was paired with my tennis partner for the set, which helped me recover a bit. She's that amazing to be around.

Once all three sets were over, we gathered for lunch. Now, the hosting team had decorated tables both inside the club meeting rooom which looks out on the courts, as well as tables just outside in a shaded area. My partner and i sat at a table inside. None of the women joined us. I'm not really surprised. The mean girls can choose to pretend smile to me but you could never expect them to actually hang around you.

Was i glad i attended? That's a complicated question. In one way, my attendance showed them that i'm not going away. That didn't stop one person from displaying her hatred though.

Another day in paradise.

Onward.

Laura

September 16, 2021

I'm a pilot who also happens to be transgender. However, getting the FAA to provide an updated license with my new name has so far been unsuccessful.

Once I went full-time last fall, i changed my name legally, receiving my certivied court order in late January. For all of us, there's a progression to update all our identity documents, including our Social Security accounts, driver's licenses, and birth certificates. It's an expensive and laborious set of tasks that can take months to complete.

Because married women often change their names, it seemed logical that the FAA had an easy process to update their pilot certificates. I was wrong.

My first adventure began with a meeting with the Fresno FSDO on February 24th which, because of COVID, was conducted by video. During the hour meeting, I updated all my new identity documents and the certified court order, as well as completing an additional form provided by the FSDO. All these changes (my new name and gender) were entered electronically into IACRA. i was assigned an FTO #, A0213174.
By late April, when i hadn't received my new certificate, i contacted the Fresno FSDO to inquire if there was  a problem. I was told, "We submitted your application via IACRA so it would not have been misplaced.  Your FTN number shows your new name in IACRA but your airman records show your old name.   You can call Airman Certification Branch at 405-954-xxxx. "

Which i did. The FAA told me that IACRA isn't currently set up for name changes and i was told that name/gender changes have to be submitted on paper.

After I informed the Fresno FSDO of this, they told me they were in contact with the FAA and that my application was in process. A few days later, i was asked to resubmit my documentation so the FSDO could submit them via email, which they did on May 19th. 

When i didn't receive my updated license by July 26th, i again contacted the FAA and was told that they didn't have the application that was sent on May 19th. I then contacted the FSDO which resubmitted my application and paperwork on the same day.

Tennis has been my only way to be around people. It's why i felt so hurt when i was removed from our long-standing Friday group with Trix, Bobbi, and Nora. They were people I enjoyed being around,  who kept me going during my divorce, and who were so accepting when i came out to them last summer. Losing them stung deeply.
I'm not bothered by last Wednesday's loss because i thought we communicated well during the first set so that we could reset in the second. I love playing with you and think we played well together. However, as we were leaving Wednesday, i sensed that something was wrong between us, that perhaps you were upset with me. I felt the same thing when you came for RC's lesson Thursday. I don't know what i did wrong but i'm terribly sorry i upset you. Please tell me so i can try to be a better person, partner, and friend.

Transitioning is so hard. I feel lonely most of the time and without tennis, things get much harder. Add to that my fear of most of the Interclub ladies, being stared at every day, and not being invited to play with others, and you have depression. I'm trying so hard to become a better player, hoping others will like me, but I wonder if you'd be happier with a different partner.     

Onward,

Laura

September 22, 2021

Falling
First, an update. My two-year HRT anniversary is approaching so i contacted my transitions doctor to arrange bloodwork and to set an appointment. While i went for bloodwork today, my appointment was set for October 21st. My COVID postponed one-year FFS follow-up is scheduled for September 30th, so i'll update my HRT and FFS threads as they happen.

I fell down the rabbit hole last week, and while i was able to climb out after 36 hours, i fell deeper than i had before. Emotionally, i'm still recovering. This all started last Thursday. We had lost last week's Interclub match, although we played well for three sets. i was fairly proud of our teamwork. Still, i began to sense something was wrong between my partner and myself. I was probably wrong, but these feelings grew more intense over the next two days, and coupled with my sadness at losing several other friendships,  i began considering quitting the team.

When i shared my feelings with my partner, i learned the worst. She began by saying that if i were to quit, so would she, that the only reason she's on the team was to give me the experience. She had known no one would partner with me, so essentially she felt sorry for me. She was quite strong in her response to me, but did tell me to relax and to not overthink things. she also mentioned that my behavior pushes people away.

I would say that's probably true. For me, it's a defense mechanism. Rather than being hurt or feeling rejected, it's easier to withdraw. If people are only my friend because they feel sorry for me, then i've gained nothing and any happiness is just an illusion. As i wrote, i'm still recovering emotionally, and i don't want to make any rash decisions or comments right now. However, i do know that everyone wants to play with my partner and no one wants to play with me. That's been true for months now. I'm not getting enough practice time in.

My only action seems to be to enjoy playing Interclub this year because there is no next year for me.
Moving might have been a better choice.

Laura

October 3, 2021: Part 1

Party Time
During today's SF Giants game, i construct a post reflecting on the last two weeks and reply to your comments. First, though, happiness.

Twice i've been to Yeng's house (my tennis partner) for drinks, dinner, and lots of talk with her other best friends. Never have i felt more authentic and accepted as when i've been around them. About six weeks ago, Yeng told me it was my turn to invite people over. Now, neither <deadname> nor Laura has ever invited people over. I've just not had friends to invite, but being an introvert has always been part of the problem. Well, last night, Yeng and here two best friends came over for dinner, drinks, and lots of talking and laughing. For me, it was one of those culminating events that remind me that Laura's in the right place, that she can survive the hardships, rejection, and hate. Yeng has been a gift.
Two pictures. One of Yeng and me and the other of the group.
(https://i.imgur.com/YSrXKJv.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/HleUYvx.jpg)

Laura

October 3, 2021: Part 2

@Danielle, @Pammie, @OldAndCreaky, @Rachel Montgomery, & @Rakel
Lots of updates and replies in this post. As always, i appreciate that you're part of my journey.
Regarding my pilot's license and my name change olympics, i received an email from the FAA a few days ago that they did, indeed, expedite my license approval and Laura's new license has been issued. Logging on the FAA web site, i was able to confirm that <deadname> no longer exists and that my license now says Laura. I expect its arrival this week.

Ladies Interclub tennis continues each Wednesday, one of the highlights of my week. Given how the team feels about me, i keep my appearances as low key as possible, arriving early to practice my serves and warm up. For the third time, my partner and I were the last to finish our match, and i was pleased that several team members hung around to watch us finish up our third set. As we won our match, we learned our match win allowed our team to win their match. All good. They may not like me, but they do appreciate when we can deliver a win for the team.

After my Falling post on the 22nd, i took about 10 days off from Susan's. I needed the time away to reset, just as it's valuable to walk away from a problem to clear your mind. After that post, it took several days to recover, but i came out with a clearer mind. That's a good thing.
I have no doubt that Yeng is likes me for who i am. Our senses of humor can be similar, but i enjoy making her and her friends laugh. That's a skill this awkward introvert, middle child, honed over many years. of course, some people, including the Mean Girls, don't get my humor and that might be part of the problem.

Regarding pushing people away. I tend to be the type of person who withdraws from conflict, rather than confront it; taking things personally and feeling scared/hurt is also there too, so i'm suspecting that some people interpret my defense mechanism wrongly. If i things are going to go south, as it did with my Friday tennis friends (including Person One), I'll continue to hold hope and reach out until i finally realize that i should just give up and move on.

My Pilot's License
First, I've carried my license with me since i earned it in 1969 and while no one has ever asked to see it, it's still a source of pride knowing I'm able to access the magic of flight. Yes, i have my own plane, although I'm part of a partnership which greatly reduces my financial commitment. Still, flying IS expensive. I'm glad Laura will have her new license soon.

Yes, there are air cops. The FAA does what are called "Ramp Checks" where at any time at the airport they can request all your documents, including my license and medical clearance as well as the paperwork we must carry in the plane. And, if you really screw up while flying or landing, the controllers can ask you to write down a number. oh, not any number, but the number at the FAA where you'll be in line for questioning and/or punishment for your infractions.

Onward.

Laura

October 6, 2021

Oh, This Is Different
Wednesdays are match days for our Ladies Interclub team, with us alternating between home and away games. Today's match was away in a city about 40 minutes from our home club. As always, i began by driving to our club quite early to practice my serves and warm up my ground strokes. My partner, Yeng, met me there and i drove us up to the away club, called Oak Park. Now, Oak Park is a nice club that sponsors regular women's socials each month and Laura has participated in several of them, meaning that many women there know me. I wasn't surprised that several greeted me by name when we arrived. What DID surprise me is what happened during out match.

Now, we won decisively, and while that was nice, i appreciated that the two women we played were friendly and easy going. We ended up chatting before, during, and after the match.
Early in the match, during a break, one of the players heard me us a common Mandarin phrase of exasperation, "Ay ya", which is similar to "oh, shoot." She recognized the phrase and asked if i knew the language. I answered by telling her that my "ex" was Chinese. She answered back, "oh, was he from china?"

He?
Oh. Oh.
She thinks i'm Cis.

We continued playing.  After the match, we were  sharing how Yeng and I became partners and compared how different clubs assembled our teams. We talked about our try-outs and referenced the drama that ensued after we made the team.  They were confused that the team would have a problem with me on the team.
"oh, you don't know?", i asked.

"it's because i'm transgender", i explained.
Now, this came as a complete surprise to them and, frankly, a complete surprise to me that, after playing with us for two hours, they hadn't clocked me. They assumed I was Cis.

Imagine my delight.

Onward.

Laura

October 13, 2021

Thanks to Danielle for prodding me. It's probably not a conincidence that the people who mean the most to me are roughly the same age. Person One and Danielle are the same age, and my tennis partner is two years younger.

I've assembled so many stories from the past 10 days and while i suspect i've forgotten some of them, i'm going to start in reverse chronological order.

Interleague
Regular readers will know that my main source of exercise and joy is playing tennis and making the Ladies Interclub team was the culmination of a dream i had since coming out.  For Yeng to have fallen in my lap was pure luck and as i've written before, "When luck knocks at your door, let it in."
Today was our fifth match of the season and we played a team who was tied in first place with us. We knew we were playing a tough team today.  Now, Yeng and i both had a disadvantage. While i have several stories relating to why, i'll simply state that we had both had attended the Indian Wells tennis tournament last weekend, which is often called the fifth major. It's two weeks of amazing tennis with the best players in the world.

Because we both were away, today found us fairly rusty at the start of our match. I had arrived early to practice my serves, as usual, and Yeng and i warmed up before the match. As we proceeded through the first set, we realized just how rusty we were, as we fell behind 0-3 and then 2-5.
Now, because of my ADD, i've been fairly self critical my whole life and once i get down on myself during a tennis match, there's no recovering. Self doubt can be a fairly powerful force. One of the reasons Yeng is such a good partner is that self-doubt is not a part of her personality. Not that she's overly confident but she doesn't let mistakes get in her way. My tennis coach has also been a force to build my confidence and help me feel less self-critical when i'm playing badly.
Improving your tennis game requires patience and practice as new skills and work to remove errors, begins to work its way into muscle memory. As i heard from a cheerleading coach on TV, "Practice until you get it right, and then keep practicing until you can't get it wrong." Improvement takes time and negative thoughts can block your path. My coach understands that every student learns differently and that immediate feedback is important to the learning process. Besides reminding me that i'm a strong player, he stresses that should i find myself struggling on the court, to just stay positive and return to the basics until my form returns.

At 2-5 in the first set, Yeng and both clicked and our games returned. We won the next five games to take the first set, 7-5, following up with a 6-2 win the final set. Chalk up another win for us and for the team.

It all boiled down to staying positive and working through our individual difficulties, knowing we're a strong team. It's a bit similar to transitioning.

More stories later.

Onward.

Laura

October 14, 2021

Here's another catch-up post, still working in reverse chronological order. Tomorrow's post is more dramatic.

The Long Drive
After being away from the Indian Wells tennis tournament for several years, i looked forward to attending this year, even if it was for just two days. Interesting weather and a terrible rental car market precluded flying, which would have been faster and more fun, but at least i could take my first long drive in my Tesla.

I had purchased the Long Range version of  my Tesla just for days like this, even though there are a large number of charging stations along every highway. Still, i planned  when and where to charge in advance, to make sure i felt comfortable.

The drive down was uneventful and very quiet as i listened to the same album, Kacey Musgrave's Star Crossed at least 15 times over the three days. It was a lovely, if not long 7.5 hour drive down.
Driving back was another story.

My biggest concern about attending Indian Wells was that i'd feel rusty after i returned. My plans were to drive back Tuesday for our Wednesday morning match. On Monday, i texted my tennis coach to arrange a brief lesson to deal with the rust, offering me 1:30pm..... I intended to leave at 4am to avoid the L.A. commute traffic, that would have added an hour to my drive, but after i woke up at 1:30am, i decided to leave earlier, finally getting our of town at 2:30am.... oh, that's early. I estimated i'd get home around 10am.

My estimation blew up in Visalia, which is about 2:20 from home. I stopped there to recharge my battery but while i was waiting, i went through my purse, noticing my house key was missing. Oh dear.  Now, my next door neighbor's daughter, who was cat sitting my fur babies has a key, but they're a busy family who often don't get home until 8pm.... The thought of waiting outside for eight plus hours concerned me.

Fortunately, i'm a geek who had attached one of Apple's Air Tags to my key ring. Pulling up my phone's Find My feature, i saw that my keys were last seen at a MacDonalds in Bakersfield on Sunday, more than an hour in the other direction. I'd stopped there on the way down to Indian Wells and must have dropped my keys there. So i made an impulse decision to reverse course and drive back down to the McDonalds......  Unfortunately, they didn't have them. Now i was an extra hour away from home and needed to charge again to make it home. However, there are NO charging stations in Bakersfield. Really? The closest north of me was back in Visalia, so i awas forced to drive west to Interstate 5, the main artery from LA to the Bay Area.  I-5 has stations about every 20 miles or so.... Yes, this added time to my drive back and i finally arrived home at 1pm....nearly 11 hours after leaving Indian Wells.

I was spent, so i cancelled my lesson. The prospect of waiting eight hours for my neighbors to arrive home wasn't pleasing. Then,  luck knocked on my door. After parking my car in the garage, i found that my sitter hadn't locked the door from the house into the garage, so i gained entry to the house..
Perfect, because i was ready to collapse from the drive.

Onward.

Laura

October 14, 2021

Once again, i'm sharing stories from the past week, in reverse chronological order. Today's post is more in the vein of, "Behind every silver lining, is a cloud."  If you're a lover of long posts, then your dreams have just come true.

Alone in a Crowd
Oh, where to start?

If you've read my prior posts, you know i just spent a few days at the Indian Wells tennis tournament, also called the BNP Paribas Open and often referred to as the fifth major. Normally held in March, the spring 2020 and 21 tournaments were cancelled due to COVID. October's tournament was a catch-up before returning to March next year.

In the past, i regularly traveled to attend the tournament since the various stadiums offer excellent views with most of the seats being General Admission, meaning that for the cost of a cheap ticket, you could wander to most of the courts to watch Men or Women's singles or doubles matches. Most of the major tennis vendors are there as are a wide variety of eateries. The food is good and the margaritas are cold, which means it's pretty easy to arrive when the gates open at 10am and stay until 10pm.
Before i continue, let me offer some background.

Of the many activities i love, several are off limits right now because i don't enjoy doing them alone. These include camping, hiking, eating out, and attending concerts. For me, the joy of sharing the event with someone is as great as attending the event. I miss each of these, but feel too uncomfortable doing them alone. The few things i dare to try are attending baseball games, going to movies, and watching tennis.

My baseball team of choice is the SF Giants, them having arrived in SF in 1957, when i was six, a full 10 years before the Oakland A's arrived from Kansas City. The Giants have always had my heart, so once i was fully vaxed, i made my way to SF twice this year to attend games.
I love the entire experience of the game: enjoying the views of the SF Bay Area, the bay itself, and the Oakland/SF Bay Bridge, walking around the park before a game people watching and checking out the various good vendors, and of course watching the game. In the two games i attended this year, i never made it past the fourth inning.

Why? Well, much like the journey being as fun as the destination, sharing a game  with someone enriches the experience: traveling together, sharing comments about the game, and cheering the team. Everything is more fun when you're sharing it with one or more people.

I had no one to share the day with. Around me were couples, friends, and groups of people laughing, talking, cheering, and loving being together. Yes, i love watching the game, but i also felt empty that i had no one to share the experience with. Eventually, all these feelings caught up with me and i felt i had to flee the stadium. It's easier to be alone when you're not surrounded by happy people. it's almost ironic that i attended the games to feel more normal and less lonely, but found that the opposite was true.  You can run from loneliness, but it will always find you.
Such was my experience at Indian Wells.

Now, many of the people i know also attended the tournament, although fewer this year. Requiring all attendees to be vaccinated kept the stubborn or those with families away. However, my partner Yeng, her husband, and several of their Filipino friends rented a house for Friday and Saturday nights so they could attend together and still share meals and other activities at the house. I know most of her friends and i'm certain they had a great time. They arrived on Friday and left for home on Sunday.
However, i'd already made reservations to arrive Sunday and leave for home on Tuesday, so our paths wouldn't be crossing

Person One, though, would  be there. We'd talked several times over the summer as we navigated the ticket reservation system. She was attending with a group of friends, but had tickets in the same stadium that i'd be in last Monday. My seat was in the fourth row, near center court, while she and her friends were sitting in the end. The possibility of us meeting up was there, though.
During one of the matches, i texted her to see if she was in the stadium. She affirmed and had posted a few pictures to her FB page. From the pictures, i saw the direction of her seats, and glanced over to see her friends, but not her. She texted me that she was out getting something to eat.

Now, i had secretly hoped that we could meet up, for find a bite to eat and spend a little time together, but it was not to be. Her friends were her priority. By this time, the same loneliness that had haunted me at the base ball game, was circling. The tennis matches were well played and my closeness to the court gave me excellent views and opportunities to cheer. However, around me were coupes, friends, and groups who were experiencing this together. Seeing their happiness reminded me that i was alone and that i had no one to share the entire experience with.

So, after just a few hours after arriving, i escaped and returned to the hotel. Again, it was easier to be alone in my room, than being alone in a crowd of happy people.

CODA
Person One and her husband own a cell phone repair shop in town, and because my iPhone battery has been acting up lately, i drove over to their business for her husband to replace it. This gave us time to catch up a bit. I came away knowing that while i'll always be thankful that she was there for me when i needed her the most, two years ago, we're just friends now, not best friends. I'd spent the summer grieving the lost of her and the Friday Group, so while i do wish i was still part of their posse, it's time to move on.

My take-away lesson, though, is that i'm capable of making not just friends, but close friends. As long as i continue to say "yes" when asked to participate, as long as i share my stories with those i trust, and if i can begin to reach out to initiate invitations, i can slowly accumulate a few new close friends.

My other take-away is something Person One suggested today. By inviting someone to attend the base ball game,  or by coordinating my Indian Wells visit with Yeng (my partner) or another friend, i hope up the possibility of spending some time with them and thereby beat loneliness away.

Onward.

Laura

October 20, 2021

Overcoming <Deadname>'s Bad Habits
One of the effects of being ADD is a sense of not being good enough, of disappointing the people around you as well as yourself. Being self-critical has been a life-long trend which often had negative effects on the tennis court as frustrations connected to my errors compounded until they controlled me. I never enjoyed being this way and would always feel sad afterwards that i would let my emotions get the better of me.

One my blessings, in the 11 months i've been Laura, has been my success in being more positive on the courts. Everyone makes errors, but when you let yourself get down about those errors, it's harder to remain calm for the next challenging point.
 
Since coming into my life last April, my tennis partner, Yeng, has been an incredibly positive force in my life and I've found it easier to stay positive during our play. During the first five matches this fall, even when we were losing, i was able to remain positive which helped me be a better partner for Yeng.

Today was different and i can't pin the reason on any one thing. Perhaps it was my increased level, since i've just upped my dosage to three patches which were applied yesterday. Perhaps it was the rampant cheating by one of the players, or perhaps it was a combination of things. I don't know. What i DO know is that i let my emotions get to me today as we were beaten by a weaker team. I never got outwardly angry, but i was too much in my head today and was visibly upset by the end of our match.

Yeng, my best friend, called tonight, so we could talk through today's match and she rightfully whacked me on the head for my behavior. She'd never seen me like this so today was a shock for her. I know i can be better and that today is an anomaly as i continue to try to be a better Laura. Overcoming a life-long negative habit takes time and i must be ore proactive about staying positive on the court.

in other news, i got proactive today and called my BA surgeon since i'd not heard from them about a surgery date. The upshot is that i was able to snag a cancellation so i'm now scheduled for BA on November 3rd. i'll miss our last Interleague match of the fall, before a two month break, but at least i'll be fully recovered in early December so Yeng and i can practice together before the season resumes.

Onward.

Laura

October 29, 2021

Two Stories
First, i'd like to clarify that my team captain has been amazing from day one. Her acceptance and support is one reason i'm so happy to be on her team. When my opponent wrote an incredibly hateful letter about me addressed to my captain, my captain was disgusted and very protective of me. She's more than earned my trust and respect.

Breast Augmentation
When the surgeon's office called to provide more details about the surgery, which included the arrival time as well as required COVID and EKG tests, they also let me know that i was required to bring a friend whom they could review my post surgery care, drive me home, and stay overnight. Now, i'd hoped just to take an uber home since this isn't major surgery, but now i had to think. My partner would be playing tennis that morning in our last match of the fall and one of her best friends (X) is in Arizona at the moment. Still, i've spent some time with X and her best friend (Y) who do everything together. They've been learning how to play tennis so i've offered to hit with them many times the past five months. They're both wonderful people.

Now, after i hit with them last Saturday, they asked me to rock climb with them, but by then i was exhausted since i'd played earlier in the morning too. they also said they'd invite me to go snow boarding with them. I've never done either, but i've learned to say Yes because you never know when a new best friend will arrive.

I had discussed my surgery with X and Y last week, and Y volunteered to be my driver and stay over. I'm humbled that X and Y feel i'm a good friend and want to share some of their activities, but Y is especially generous to assist me with my surgery.

Oak Park Tennis
Oak Park Tennis club is about 35 minutes from my house and consists of 12 courts and a small club house. they have very inexpensive dues and monthly women's socials on Fridays that i've attended. Oak Park also has an Interleague team that Yeng and I played a few weeks ago. Every contact i've had there has been overwhelmingly positive and i feel at home there. Today was no different, attending their Halloween social where we played five short sets followed by a nice lunch where we could socialize.
During one of our sets, i thought i heard one of the women mention "my wife", as in her wife which intrigued me. Until now, i've not met any other LGBT tennis players so i was curious. By chance we sat across from each other during lunch and eventually conversation let me learn that we're the same age. When she mentioned her wife again, i went through the door she opened.

I asked whether her wife played tennis (she does, but she's recovering from surgery) and when she mentioned that she only came out 10 years ago, i found another similarity, telling her i only came out to myself five years ago. What followed was a wonderful discussion about how liberating it feels to be "out" and to live our lives authentically.  We also agreed that we feel an obligation to be role models to pay back those who preceded us and to help those who follow us. In all, a wonderful day.

Onward

Laura

November 6, 2021

There's Trouble In Town
First, thank you for reading and responding to my posts. Recovery from my BA is going well and i'll have another report after my follow-up with the Surgeon next Tuesday.

Our tennis club has three teams that compete in the Interleague: one "A" team and two "B" teams. Each B team has five pairs, called Lines, that play against their counterparts on the other teams. Yeng and I are Line Five on the Red B team. The other B team at our club is B Black. Our match on October 20th was against B Black.

After my October 20th post, things went sideways. When my opponent complained about my swearing during the match, my team captain had to conduct a full investigation, interviewing all four players. Upfront, i acknowledged my poor behavior and apologized. A letter from our club representative, dated October 25th, reviewed the accusation, acknowledged my apology, and gave me a warning for swearing on the court. If i were to receive four warnings, I'd be removed from the league. so far, no problem.
And then,  problems rained down.

On November 3rd, my surgery date, the league board notified me that they had received two complaints about me: One from the same person who complained on October 20 and a second complaint from a team we played five weeks ago. Frankly, that two complaints were received at the same time is highly suspicious and seem coordinated. Apparently, the woman who filed the October compliant was not satisfied that i was given a warning. She's going for blood. The letter from the league board is the beginning of their investigation, but what worries me is that one of my haters sits on the board and, as such, will be passing judgement.

According to the new compliant, the player, whom i'll refer to as <Angry Woman> has accused me of violating nine rules (yes, this is fairly over the top). The woman Yeng and I beat in May which earned us a place on the team, is the league score keeper so she participates in all board discussions and will be sitting in judgement of me.  I'll refer to as <Hateful Woman>.

Yes, i smell something fishy.

A few days ago, i prepared a full statement, as well as a number of questions, in reply to the complaints. My team captain is livid, not at me but at the other player. I've come to the conclusion that the haters are going to use the grievance system to give me four strikes, ejecting me from the league.
Below are excerpts from my reply to the board.

Regarding the complaint on September 29th match:
Regarding the 9/20 complaint, when was it submitted and by whom?
The referenced match occurred five weeks ago. What is the reason for the delay in complaining?
What are the specific complaints?  Your email listed nine possible infractions. Are you saying that I violated all nine of them for this match?

I had thought that the chain of command for complaints ran through the team captains, meaning that the Del Rio team complained to their captain, who would then contact my captain. This clearly hasn't happened.
I respectfully request that <Hateful Woman> not be allowed to participate in any discussions about either complaint. She has a history of hating me because I'm transgender.  I elaborate about this below. Just know that harassing me because I'm transgender is against the law.

Regarding the complaint about our October 20th match.
Regarding the October complaint by <Angry Woman>. The letter I received from <my club>, dated October 25th, lists that the grievance was resolved and that I was given a warning. Given that <Angry Woman's> complaint was investigated and resolved locally, why is she filing the same complaint with the League Board?
You've listed nine infractions about my behavior during the match. Only one is valid, which falls under the category of  unsportsmanlike behavior. I am guilty of using bad language and dropping my racket to the court after a few points.  I'd NEVER throw my racket because of the expense.

 Note that this issue was investigated thoroughly at <My Club> and I was issued a warning in a October 25th letter from <the club>.
I NEVER cussed at my opponent.
I NEVER made inappropriate comments during changeover.
Yeng and I NEVER made intentional bad line calls. Every one makes accidental bad calls. There's a big difference, though, between innocent mistakes and a pattern of multiple bad calls throughout a match. During the entire match, <Angry Woman> made repeated bad line calls (at least 10), something both Yeng and I noticed independently. We chose not to file a complaint against <Angry Woman> for her behavior. We took the high road.
I have NO idea why she's accusing me of hitting balls at her during a point. What I DID do, was to take a soft second serve from her partner and while I was aiming down the line, the ball flew towards <Angry Woman> who was next to the net, nearly hitting her. I immediately approached the net and apologized, telling her that it wasn't intentional. She refused the apology. During changeover, I again apologized, but again Anne would not accept it.

My only offense from the October 20th match is that i used several swear words during the match, an infraction i've both acknowledged and apologized for multiple times.

I have acknowledged my mistakes and apologized. I know it was wrong of me to swear during a match. I gladly accepted my punishment and am sorry for letting my emotions get the better of me.   I propose that <Angry Woman> is guilty of unsportsmanlike conduct. She refused my apology during  our match, and repeatedly made questionable line calls. After our match, I was told that <Angry Woman> used derogatory language referring to me. My thought is that she, is piling on the complaints in order to kick me out of the league. This is a form of harassment the league shouldn't reward.

Special Note: Once I  came out to myself, five years ago, it's been my dream to be part of the league. Some friends warned me not to try because of the number of transgender haters at our club..
I experienced my first direct harassment on May 18th, the day Yeng and I beat <Hateful Woman> in a ladder challenge match. By winning that match, she was eliminated from the  team as we took her place on the ladder. What happened afterwards was a bit of a coup, as several women, including <Hateful Woman>, tried to break up the team and start a new team in Manteca. They didn't want a transgender person to be part of the team.

Along the way, I've made many wonderful friends while also discovering several haters at my club, some whom are discrete while others, like <Hateful Woman> and <Angry Woman>, are more direct. This has made the last six months much more depressing as I took their actions personally. I do hope the board doesn't enable them, giving them the freedom to demonstrate their transphobia while removing me from the team. Again, <Hateful Woman> should not be part of the complaint process because of her past actions towards me.

I await your response.

Laura

November 7, 2021

A Dish Best Served Cold
This is a follow-up to today's "There's Trouble in Town" post.

Before the new war broke out between the Mean Girls and me, my captain had fully investigated the complaint by <Angry Girl> regarding my bad language. During her investigation, she exchanged a number of messages with the club representative as well as the four of us who were part of the match. One of the emails from <Angry Girl> was so incendiary about my transness that my captain didn't want to hurt me by sharing it.

As i was reviewing these events, it seemed apparent that the hateful email was part of a patter and would reveal <Angry Girl's> motivation for ramping up the war. Writing to the captain today, i asked if she could share that email with the Interleague Board, since it demonstrated that <Angry Girl> was guilty of unsportsman-like behavior.

My captain had beaten me to the punch, though. Apparently, the hateful email was just one of several acidic messages <angry girl> had sent, so my Captain forwarded the entire email thread to the Board.

At least now the Board will have a better understanding of what's happening at our club.

Onward.

Laura

November 19,  2021

Oh, i was totally unaware that i was so popular!!!😉  Thank you all for your comments, wise cracks, and best wishes. Be assured, i'm not even close to the rabbit hole. Just busy, but i do have lots of minor stories/updates. This post ended up being much longer than i had envisioned.

I'm finally sitting on the couch after a busy morning and afternoon.Instrumental Christmas music is playing on the stereo (surround sound). I write better (always offline) when i use instrumental music to tune everything out.  I began by taking my daily four-mile walk and then got to work on the yard. My neighbor threw down the Christmas decoration gauntlet last week by putting up all his lights and decorations two weeks before Thanksgiving. Oh, the battle was on. Before i could put mine up, there was still quite a bit of pruning and yard work to prepare my yard for all the lights i put up. Besides lights on both stories of my house, i also light the two structural posts in front, the landscape rose bushes that line my lawn, and a crape myrtle bush i just finished pruning. Half the lights are up and i'll complete the work Saturday.

Thanksgiving is next week, and while i'll be spending it alone, as usual, i still cook a full Thanksgiving dinner. I picked up the turkey and a bag of sweet potatoes at Costco yesterday. Now, for years i've been using a wonderful, but simple recipe for mashed yams, but when i saw the recipe for Citris-Glazed Sweet Potatoes, i could not resist. It's more work, but it should be fun to find out if this a better side dish. Oh, I've always BBQed my turkeys, so that will be fun too.

Tennis
I continue to organize a weekly Saturday, 12 person doubles group and while i can't play tennis for two more weeks, i attend to hang out with the players. Tomorrow, Person One will be attending for the first time in many months. Things are much better between us which makes me happy. I was someone who had no friends before I came out to her two years ago. Now, i have many, so this Thanksgiving, i'll be counting my blessings
.
One Year Anniversary
The other larger thing in my mind has been planning a series of blogs to celebrate my first year of going full-time as Laura.It's taken some time to figure out what i want to say and how i want to say it, but the most important part, the opening long paragraph was finished earlier this week. i'll begin posting this series on the 27th.

Where is Danielle?
When i read Rachel's comment, it reminded me of the wonderful series of books, and the PBS series, Where in the World is Carmen SanDiego. Yes, i'm playing that game when I'm bored or, more importantly, procrastinating. i've suspected that some of my clues are false, or that Danielle (if that IS her real name) has planted. For a few days, i questioned the clue that Anchorage was closer to her house than Fairbanks because most of the small towns i was checking were located around the Fairbanks area. However, Costco does have a store there, so i'm thinking that clue is valid. yes, i've looked for CPAs in Alaska, checking various databases for her name. Given that i found one town of 2k people with a single CPA and that she's the only one in her town, i may have to modify the potential population to between 2k and about 7K. Still, there are tons of tiny cities in this group. My next task, the next time i get bored, will be to Google Street View those towns to look for coffee shops. That's for another day/month.

BA Update
it's been a bit more than two weeks since my BA. I continue to be satisfied that i didn't go big. Oh, a C cup would probably feel wonderful, but i don't want to be one who stands out, so a B cup is still better than what i had. I'll wait another two weeks before i go down to Victoria Secret to bra shop. In the meantime, i continue to wear compression bras 24/7. The bra supplied by the surgeon fits snugly, but after a few hours, my ribs begin to hurt more than i can bear, so that's when i swap it out for a sports bra. For exercise, I walk four miles every other day, and sometimes every day. the impact of walking quickly for an hour aggravates my aging knees, so i'll be happy to begin using the elliptical at the club next week. I may begin playing tennis in two weeks.

Interleague Christmas Lunch
I thought i'd written about this but apparently i haven't. This is where the disappointment begins. When i dreamed of playing Ladies Interclub five years ago, i was looking forward to BOTH the social and physical parts of playing. Yes, I'm having a ball playing each week (we're on winter break now). Win or lose (we've done pretty well for ourselves), what matters is that we play hard and have fun. Nothing else matters. (well, until we met one of my bullies.)
There are 30 women on three teams at out club: One A team and two B teams. Because we play on different days and locations, the only women i see are the 10 on my team, which is fine because i'm largely accepted here. Several times, several of us have gone out to lunch afterwards which has been a great experience so far.

However, several times a year, all three teams get together for either a Play Day, followed by a lunch, or in the case of December 1st, a formal lunch. I had SO hoped to attend these lunches to hang out with my team and perhaps make friends with women on the other teams. However, after what happened during the first Play Day and what with the events that happened on October 20th with the other B team, I've told my captain that i don't feel safe around the other women. There are some women on those two teams who i thought were allies, but they've been completely silent to me since the first attack began in May. I really don't think i can depend on any of them to be friendly to me.
My captain reached out again a few days ago, again pleading with me to give the luncheon a chance. Below is part of the email i wrote to her. (BTW, she loved the flowers i sent her.

This has been a year of incredible highs, like becoming best friends with Yeng, and horrendous lows. From all my conversations with Person One about Interleague, i know how unusual it is for partners to become best friends, so i appreciate the blessings i'm presented with when they happen. Person One had also warned me of the trouble i'd face if i made the team. I knew coming in that things could go south.
That's why i nearly moved last year. I know <this town> is not the best place for people in the LGBT community but the Elk Grove/Sacramento area are, so i came fairly close to selling my properties and building a great house in Elk Grove. I chose to stay, though, because I found warm acceptance from my neighbors and friends. In the end, staying was a leap of faith, one i don't regret.

Yes, i find other clubs like Oak Park and Woodbridge much more accepting, and during the social play days and lunches at Oak Park, i've felt nothing but friendship and acceptance from the women there. It's something i had so hoped for at our club.

What most people don't get is that i'm a different person now from who i used to be. Yes, the core parts of my personality are still there: my values and sense of humor are fully intact and i'm still shy. Hormones and transition have brought many changes: i'm much more sensitive and in touch with my feelings; I'm still an introvert but I'm more proactive about reaching out to people to be friends; and i say "yes" now to invitations because that's how new friendships are birthed. The person i was <deadname> couldn't do any of these. I'd gone decades without a best friend when i came out to Person One, two years ago. Now i have several.

From the beginning, i've taken the high road. I'm not one to enjoy confrontation or gossip. Neither are productive, but i understand that this strategy also emboldens those who disapprove of me. My hopes were that by being friendly and keeping my head high that eventually some people would move from the disapprove to the accept column. This proved true when someone from the team sent me a Facebook invitation as well as ongoing support texts and emails after our recent Team Black drama. I've tried to give people the space to change their minds and come over.

And yes, i know i've just made your case for attending the luncheon. If it were just Team Red, it would be so easy to accept. The 20 women on the other teams are the great unknown and that scares me. Several women on those teams, who i thought were supportive, have been silent the past six months so i don't think i can count of their support. I also don't know how many haters i have on those teams but i suspect there are many. I'm not exaggerating when i say that i don't feel safe attending. That's one reason i rarely go to the club now.

What would make me feel safe is being surrounded by my team and having Yeng by my side. She's told me that she's not coming because of her work and all the other parties she's invited to, but i know the recent drama affected her as well. All this hurt her too. It saddens me that she won't participate next year because i've never felt more comfortable playing doubles.
OK.. Thanks enough of my life for now. i began watching Christmas movies and shows on Netflix, so back i go to the tube. Thanks for reading. Next major update on the 27th.

Onward,

Laura

November 27, 2021

Today marks the first anniversary of Laura living authentically full-time.  My journey is far from over, and while i never imagined i'd travel this far, I'm glad was able to experience Laura's new life. This begins a multi-part series where i reflect on the past year, one where i experienced happiness and pain, close friendship and loneliness, and several important steps forward in my transition.

One Year Full-Time Anniversary: A Reflection in Several Parts
When i came out to myself and my therapist five and a half years ago,  I knew the journey would be long and challenging but i had great difficulty imagining being Laura 24/7. Now celebrating my first anniversary of living authentically, there's so much to reflect upon. It's been a year of making grand steps forward, feeling both accepted and bullied, experiencing  brief periods where I pass but daily occurrences where people clock me and stare, making new best friends while discovering the ugliness in some people, briefly seeing Laura in pictures while rarely seeing her in the mirror, and where both my wildest dreams and my worst nightmares have come true. Going full-time is a leap of faith for all of us. Despite the challenges i face and the fear that accompanies me every day, my blessings are many. I continue to hold my head high, to try to see the best in people, to celebrate the little victories, and to be a role model for our community, all while trying to keep fear at bay.  Despite the past year's events that pushed me towards the rabbit hole, I regret nothing. Going full-time was the right decision. As my blog signature says, "When you're ready, start living your truth. That's when the magic happens."

On the Decision to Stay
During the summer of 2020, I had just begun coming out to a few tennis friends and Laura's need to exist had reached a point where she wanted to be seen. It was months before my FFS, and while i was projecting a spring 2021 start to Laura's new life, I had strong concerns. Could i survive in a community that received a D- for their lack of support for the LGBT community? Could i ever "pass" and blend into the crowd, or would i forever be clocked and stared at? Knowing that many MTFs move to a new city to begin their new lives, I started the Should I Stay, or Should I Go (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247084.msg)  thread, hoping to find wisdom and advice from those who came before me. The responses i received were detailed and so helpful, giving me much more information for my decision.

Last week, i stepped outside as the sun was setting to admire the Christmas lights i'd set up on the house and in the yard. Spotting a neighbor who was just finishing putting up his lights, i walked over to strike up a conversation, something <deadname> had a harder time doing. As i chatted with his wife, i mentioned that i was closing in on my one-year anniversary, how much i loved my neighborhood what with all the kids who play in the street and in our yards, and my decision to stay. She replied that she was glad i stayed too. That pretty much sums up why i didn't move. At the time, a year ago, despite my insecurities and my fear of not passing, i was embraced by those with whom i had wanted approval. That was the closing argument for staying.

Welcome to the Trans Club
I've often compared our journeys to the Chinese proverb, "A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins With a Single Step." That first step for all of us is coming out to ourselves. That's the biggest and hardest step of all. And yet, a thousand mile journey is only accomplished through a million plus steps. Some never get farther than that first step. Some begin the journey but then turn back. Through perseverance, though, most of us make it to the end. Personally, five years after that first step, i'm perhaps only half way to my destination, despite being full-time.
When you join the Trans Club, there are certain "givens" we all have to accept. There is no choice. It's in the contract.
1) You may be rejected by some or many of your family members or friends. That will be hurtful. Some will eventually understand; some will never.
2) Your transition is like a second puberty consisting of both physical as well as mental components. Those who rush their physical transition in hopes of quickly reaching the thousand mile mark will be sorely disappointed. The physical part is easy compared to the mental part which takes longer;
3) Don't expect to find a loving companion. Most men won't consider you a woman. Neither will most lesbians. If you find love, consider yourself blessed;
4) Every part of your transition takes time and patience. Whether it's the months or years it takes estrogen to transform your body, the months or years it takes to get consultations, wait in line for much longer for your surgery, or the self care required for recovery,  patience is required. Nothing can be rushed;
5) You're going to hate electrolysis, particularly the part where you'll need anywhere between 200 and 300 hours under the needle. Not shaving for two or more days before each session will drive you crazy with dysphoria. The sooner you begin, the better. If electrolysis isn't covered by your insurance, just know it's going to be very expensive. And yes, it's quite painful.
6) If or when you go full-time, expect to be clocked, stared at, gossiped about, and, sometimes, bullied. You deserve to exist so hold your head high.
7) Once you're out to a single person, you become a role-model for our community.  We're standing on the shoulders of those who came out before us, just as those after us will stand on ours. Don't mess it up for the next person.Hold your head high, regardless of the circumstances;
8) You will make new friends, and some people will surprise you. If you keep yourself open, say yes to invitations, or extend a hand to invite, you'll make a few new friends, perhaps even new best friends too. Cherish and nurture those new friendships because they'll sustain you during the tough times.

Best and Worst
May 15th was single best day of the past year. My tennis partner, Yeng, whom i'd only known for five weeks and who was quickly becoming a close friend,  invited me to her party (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,253460.msg2422881/topicseen.html#msg2422881) for her 39th birthday where only her best friends were attending. I floated home after 1am, having had the first real experience of being accepted as a woman and of being fully embraced by not just Yeng, but her close friends too. For several days, i walked on the clouds that evening created, so thankful for my blessing. Four days later, the floor dropped out from under me.

May 19th was the single worst day of the year. That's when the mean girls declared war. I'd become aware of them from the beginning of tryouts, but when Yeng and I made the team, that was a bridge too far. Having an "other" on team was unacceptable as they attempted to break up the team in order to form a new team in a different city. That's how badly they wanted to be away from me. The Mean Girls would lose the first battle, but i spent the majority of the summer in my bunker, feeling depressed. All i've tried to do this year is to exist. I've not interacted with the Mean Girls, nor returned any of their hatred. I simply turned my cheek and continued to live my life, which was an affront to them. To them, i'm an abomination. To this day, the skirmishes continue. While I do feel a fair amount of anxiety about how things will play out once the season resumes, that i have friends who look out for me and try to protect me is deeply humbling. There may be bullies, but i also have more friends now that ever before in my life.

Coming Out Is the Hardest Thing To Do
I admire those who are confident enough to come out to everyone before they even start HRT. I'm not that person. For years, i wore loose clothing, layers, and a binder to hide my breast growth, afraid some would notice and begin to ask questions. It took three years to come out to Person One and still i marvel that i had the courage that first time. It would be a year before i told anyone else, which started a snowball effect that led to Laura finally going public. I was never not afraid. Fear still follows me.

One of first six people i told, the first former work colleague to learn of my status, sent me an incredibly thoughtful reply that began, "First, let me just start by saying I love, accept, and support you in any form. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story with me. It was deeply personal and I am honored you chose to share this story with me." Reading his message brought tears to my eyes knowing that perhaps i could survive this journey.  And i did. Over the next few months, i came out to a variety of friends as i marched closer to going full-time.

Mean Girls
The city I live in has two tennis facilities. The one I've belonged to for 20+ years has 11 courts, a pool and a large workout area and the other facility is at a posh country club. Both have ladies interleague teams. For as long as I've played, both as <deadname> and as Laura, I've heard stories about the Mean Girls on our club's interleague team. The only thing that changes each year is who the mean girls are picking on, so while i could take my bullying personally, in some ways i'm the victim de jour. 
Why do mean girls exist? Well, given my city's D- score from the Human Rights Campaign, you can see that my city leans conservative. Many of the women who play during the daytime are stay-at-home wives whose husbands have lucrative salaries, hence a feeling of entitlement and superiority by some. I often refer to them using one of lyrics "..the ladies who lunch" from the Stephen Sondheim musical, Company. Not all of them are mean. My captain who lives in a very nice house around the corner from me may be a conservative, but she lives her values and that means treating everyone with respect. She's been both incredibly supportive and protective of me. I do count her friendship as one of my blessings.

The Mean Girls were there before i arrived and they'll still be there after I leave. However, there's a particular nastiness regarding their comments and behavior towards me. I don't know if any of them have friends or family who are LGBT, but if they did, i'd think they'd be a little more understanding. I am, though, the only transgender person they've ever known and what with all the GOP laws attacking our participation in sports, use of bathrooms, or even accessing care, I'm the local transperson to express their displeasure or disgust.

Interleague is currently on a winter break. After our schedule resumes in early January, the battles will continue. The Mean Girls are on a winning streak and the recent decision of the Board not to punish them only empowers their bullying. My friends and protectors have urged me to keep my head down and to not give my bullies reason to complain. While i'll be careful, i fully expect their meanness to continue and for them to use any excuse to file grievances against me. it's easy to see why so many other women left Interclub and refuse to return, Person One included.

Am I Brave or Delusional?
A year ago, I pondered this question as i tried to gather the courage to become Laura full-time. Was I brave for making such a bold step forward or was I being delusional for thinking everything was going to turn out fine?  I've always been a planner so that when i do take a risk, i've done my homework and preparation ahead of time. The great adage, "With great risk often comes great reward" is true, but planning only goes so far. Unknown are the unseen or unexpected obstacles. I can control myself and my actions, but so much this past year as been random.
When you're trans, fear tracks you constantly, even when you're trying to be brave and holding you head up high. You wonder if you're being delusional that you could successfully transition, be fully accepted, and live a completely new life, free from consequences or harm. And yet, we make that bold decision, the great leap forward, because we feel we have no choice. I had no choice. I had locked Laura in a box for 50 years and once she got out, even though i tried many times to stuff her back into it, she wouldn't/couldn't stay hidden. She wanted to breath, to express herself, and to experience the life she'd dreamed of for decades; She may have been delusional, but it didn't matter. Becoming Laura was, in a way, necessary for her survival.

Onward,

Laura

December 1, 2021

One Year Full-Time Anniversary: Part II

Needles, Knives, and Drugs, Oh My!!!
Most of us will acquire two to three surgery's during our journey, each with their own requirements, wait times, and recovery. Willing to give Estrogen its best shot to grow my breasts, i was lucky to schedule my FFS consult just a month before i stopped E and purged my wardrobe for the last time. That consultation started the needed one year plus wait time for the surgery, so that when Laura finally gathered the courage to restart HRT for the final time, 26 months ago, I was still in the queue for surgery. COVID wreaked havoc on Kaiser's surgery schedule, but i was lucky when Kaiser called offering a cancellation in mid-August, 2020. With just one week to get ready, the majority of my time was spent preparing for this momentous surgery. I didn't have much time to worry. As it turned out, FFS, despite offering subtle results, gave me sufficient confidence for Laura to finally appear in public on September 30th, Person One's birthday.

One year ago, i received permission from Kaiser for both BA and GCS. My long-term plan, though was to give E a bit more time before visiting the boob fairy, but to begin genital electrolysis immediately because of the estimated one year it would take to complete the work. Almost immediately, though, i realized that the dysphoria i had about my facial hair was far greater than my need for GCS, so i shifted gears to focus solely on facial electrolysis and to delay bottom surgery preparation until after my face was completed. Of course that means that any potential GCS will have to wait roughly three years. I'm ok with that.

Electrolysis: Needles, Pain & Time
For me, one of the most critical and important parts of my transition was ridding Laura of her facial hair, a task i had begun five years ago, quitting  a few months into it, unhappy with my local technician. Once Kaiser granted approval to restart electrolysis, i found a wonderful technician, who was also transgender. However, her shop was located in the Bay Area, so each Tuesday morning, i leave the house at 5:30am for the 90 minute to two hour drive, depending on commute traffic. To date, I've completed just 78 hours of electrolysis, with perhaps another 150 hours ahead of me. Hair removal is time consuming and while i wish i had completed it prior to going full-time, at least i'm well into the journey.  Each two hours promises to be lightly to extremely painful, depending on the area. There are times each Tuesday that this feels like cruel and unusual punishment. Still, I look forward to each session because while progress is slow, the results are visible two hours later. This part of the journey is just as important as every other facet of my transition and like waiting for E to deliver the boob fairy, time is an important ingredient.

Ladies Interclub Luncheon
During Interclub season, our three home teams take turns hosting several Play Days where all three teams get together to play each other in a social format. Twice a year, we meet together in a formal luncheon. However, after the disaster that was my first play day and after the full-on war by the Mean Girls last month, i was feeling too scared to attend today's brunch. Part of me wanted to attend to be around my team and to meet the players on the other two teams in hopes of melting the ice. Still, i was feeling so afraid of attending, knowing that many of the women hate me, considering me not worthy because I'm trans.

Several times during the past few weeks, my captain has texted to encourage me to attend. As i thought about her encouragement and my fear, i remembered an earlier time when i conquered fear. Most of us are afraid of heights, as am I. However, as a theatre major in college participating on the lighting crew, i had to meet my fear head on. Now, to place the lighting instruments on the batten (the horizontal pole above the stage), the batten is lowered to eye level so we can just connect the instruments in the correct locations and run the wiring. However, to focus the lights, the batten is raised to performance level and to access the lights, we climb 15 feet up either a cherry picker or an A-frame ladder that has a vertical extension to reach the correct height.  As part of the crew, i had no choice but to climb up to perform my duties. What i learned that first time is that if you trust your ladder, then it's much easier to not be afraid. If i ever needed to conquer a fear, i needed to meet it head on. Remembering this story helped convince me to make the gamble to attend today's brunch.
No Risk. No Reward. I am blessed. When I arrived at the event center, roughly 10 of the 30 women had arrived and were chatting in groups. My captain, seen below in a picture with me, served as greeter and host. One of my teammates grabbed my arm and led me to a chair next to her, so i could feel more comfortable. As everyone continued arriving, we were all taking pictures, chatting in small groups, and enjoying a little alcohol. Roughly 25 of the 30 members attended and fortunately my primary bully wasn't there. 

The food was light and the conversation fun, greatly diminishing the fear i had felt. I didn't talk to everyone, but i was able to chat with a few new people who aren't on our team. No one stared or frowned. Oh, i'm certain people talked about me later, but then that's been happening from the start. What matters to me is doing my best to be friendly, listening carefully to people's stories, and being a good role model. In all, i'm so glad my captain continued to urge me to attend, and that i took the risk to participate.
(https://i.imgur.com/lSUl4bQ.jpg%5B/img.%20%5Bimg%5Dhttps://i.imgur.com/rlnZa8K.jpg)

December 14, 2021

Christmas Celebrations
As we march towards Christmas, I've seen a variety of Interclub players holding Christmas parties and play days, posting gleefully on their FB pages. I was invited to none of these. My amazing partner, Yeng, was invited to a variety of parties, but then she's immensely likable. I never believed that those who smile at me and pretend to be friendly would included me in their groups. I know they are just the opposite when i'm not around. To that end, there are only a handful of people i trust, wonderful women who have demonstrated their kindness.

Because Laura is trying to be different from <deadname> who never accepted invitations, nor issued them, I've again invited my close friends over this Saturday for crab, ravioli, sourdough, wine and stories. I'm happy that Yeng and one of her best friends, Celeste, are coming, as well as Celeste's best friend, who i'm also friends with. To round out the group, i invited Person One, who quickly accepted. Now, this will be an interesting evening, since Person One has never socialized with my other friends, but because i feel close to all these women, i'm hoping for a wonderful evening.

I'll share our stories on Sunday.

Onward.

Laura

December 19, 2021

That this party/get together actually happened is an indication of my growth. Before, I was not someone who did these types of things. Because of the success of my first Friendsgiving below, I've continued the tradition each year, with the 2023 party larger than before.

Saturday Evening at my Home with my Friends and Crab
This post could easily have been Part III of my recent year-end series, since it was a wonderful example of the progress i've made the past year and where i am on the transition journey.
Saturday evening, my best friends came over for crab, wine and conversation, not necessarily in that order. The formal menu was Dungeness crab with my grandfather's crab sauce, Genova's meat ravioli, Asparagus, Caesar salad, and Sourdough bread with garlic butter spread. Yes, there was MUCH more food than required.

The original attendee list included all my best friends, including Yeng, Gayle, Calai, and Person One. I had intentionally included Person One because she knows nearly ALL my personal stories and i thought it was time to include her in our conversations and stories. Now, Yeng and friends are all filipina and Person One is Lebanese, so culturally they're different, but today's menu was straight out of Bay Area Italian roots and a meal that has been my winter comfort food for decades. The menu never varies.
Earlier, Yeng asked if she could bring her 10 year-old daughter over, since she'd be alone in the house, promising that her husband would pick her up around 8 after he got off his nursing job. If you're thinking that it's just a stereotype that most Filipinos are nurses, it's not. Yeng's husband and two of her best friends are nurses. Now, of course i included Yeng's daughter in our meal. She's a delightfully sweet, yet shy girl, whom i enjoy interacting with.

Everyone arrived around 6pm and we quickly began consuming wine and talking. Now, both Yeng's friends announced when they arrived that they'd need to leave for church at 7:30, but would return by 9:30, so i made sure dinner was ready by 6:30. This was a meal my friends weren't familiar with, but i was pleased how much they enjoyed it, but then fun conversation, a little (or a lot) of wine, and good food make for an enjoyable time. The stories began immediately. Now, normally i just use a cocktail sauce for my crab, but i took a risk by also making my grandfather's crab sauce. My sister found his hand-written recipe last year so i was looking forward to tasting it again. The recipe requires lots of fine chopping including a bell pepper, pickles, eggs, green onions, and olives, so i was pleasantly surprised when all my friends loved the sauce and asked me for the recipe.

Around eight, Yeng's husband showed up to pick up their daughter, but we easily convinced him to stay, eat, and share in the stories. While adding new people to this party changed the complexion, the results were the same. Good stories, laughter, and friendship all around.
(https://i.imgur.com/hQA6hdx.jpg)        (https://i.imgur.com/55kvoQA.jpg)

Around the time our two friends returned, Yeng's husband and daughter departed as we retired to the family room to continue our story telling. One of my goals was to share the story of how Person One and i became best friends which led me to divulge that i was laura. In all, a wonderful night.
During the evening, i was constantly reminded that despite the Mean Girls and haters at the club, my friends far outnumber my haters. After one year of being full-time, i now have more best friends that i've had in my life and several people on the team are trusted allies. Yes, when the Interclub season resumes in January my haters will continue their quest, but now at least i have a better idea of who they are and how i must behave around them. I'm not going to give them reason to file complaints. I've come too far and made too much progress to let them stop me.

Now five 1/2 years after coming out, 2 1/2 years after telling Person one, and a year after going full-time, i continue to grow in confidence. Transitioning is both a mental and physical journey and while i'm perhaps halfway through, the progress is evident. I'm Laura, I have great friends, and the journey will continue.

Onward.

Laura

January 24, 2022

I've been absent for a while, not because i've been busy or necessarily happy, but because avoidance is something i've needed to do. During Christmas break, i formulated my next blog post and while i'd written much of it in my head, when i actually began to write, i found it too difficult emotionally. As i've expressed in the past, writing is somewhat therapeutic for me as i explore both the events and emotions that are attached and attempt to understand what's happening. For that Christmas post, the words were there, but the will to express and share them were not. Only a brief introduction and the post title ever made it to the page, but i've included them at the bottom of this post. i don't know when i'll be back.

I'll share some other updates instead.

A few weeks ago, the ladies interleague season resumed. Our first match, though was against one of the teams that filed a complaint against me last November. For days leading to that match, i was a bit of a wreck and while i considered defaulting, yeng already had arranged a sub for herself so i felt i had to play. That morning, as i practiced my serves, i was completely off, which both surprised and bothered me. When we finally began playing the match, my head and emotions were still in crisis. During that set, everything I did, serving, ground strokes, and net play, were all disastrous. We lost that set 6-1.
Fortunately for me, my partner, LouieMay, had improved her skills greatly since try-outs, when we beat her and her partner. Better, i found that she was as positive as Yeng, which allowed me to break my habit, clear my head, and focus on being calmer in the second set. As a result, we took the second set 6-2 and one the third set 6-1. Yeng won't play in the league next year, but after LouieMay and i play this Wednesday, i may ask her to partner with me next year, that is if she already hasn't committed to someone else.

Around the same time, the Interleague board, who had imposed a "strike" on me while not scolding the Mean Girls who are torturing me, issued a revised set of conditions that can be grieved against as well as a new punishment schedule. Previously, the board would issue three strikes for repeated offenses and would expel you upon the fourth strike. Now, penalties begin with the second strike, which is a two match suspension. The third strike results in expulsion. So, i'm already on the precipice of being drummed out of the league by the Mean Girls.

Finally, because none of the woman invite me to play during the day (hence the title of my blog below), i'm only playing tennis on Monday evenings in my friend Sid's group, the Wednesday interleague match with Yeng, and a Saturday group i organize. Now, Sid's Monday group ranges from 12 to 24 players, which makes for a busy but fun Monday doubles group and good practice before our Wednesday match. However, my main enemy, the Mean Girl, is now part of that group. This both surprised and distressed me. While i was scared of playing our match against the team that complained about me, i'm terrified of this Mean Girl, who is the primary aggressor against me. I'm disappointed that Sid let her play and because of my fear, i've dropped out of that group. Yes, i expect some to tell me just to ignore her, but you have to live in my shoes to understand my fear. I'd rather quit that be around that person.

Onward,

Laura

January 28, 2022

<Coda> This begins the final, long dark period of my transition, made harder because of the cruelty. I survived, and more importantly, I grew. Once recovered in April/early May, I traveled for the first time and began enjoying doing things alone. The darkness had helped me evolve into a better person. Go figure.

Lost
I usually only drink socially, but tonight my companion is a bottle of Chardoney. I need the comfortable buzz and hopefully it will lull me to sleep early so i can escape the event horizon, which is calling.
After last Wednesday's interleague match, which LouieMay and i easily won, i asked her to be my partner next year. she didn't reply and later Yeng told me that her answer would be "no." She was my only prospect so this is looking like my first and only interleague season.

Yeng and i play my bully and her partner in next week's Interleague match, and while i'd considered getting a sub so i could avoid being around the Mean Girl, i decided to play. Now, Mean Girl and Yeng are both popular with the other women and both are often asked to play in various foursomes. I'm never asked to play. Ever. Yesterday, Yeng and the Mean Girl were invited to play in a large round-robin social play day with the country club team in town. They were paired together and played three sets, winning all three.

Afterwards, Yeng told me that Mean Girl was very nice and that i should "give her a chance." she repeated this same phrase when we played this morning. it destroyed the remainder of the day for me. How could my partner, my best friend, not understand how afraid i am of my primary bully, this Mean Girl who has attacked me? This mean girl who, if she complains about me again, could get me suspended from the league? Sure, i get that Yeng and others think Mean Girl is a nice person, but then they're all cis-gender. It's me, the transgirl, who is being attacked. With all the personal stories i've shared with Yeng with the attacks i've face the past nine months, how could she now side with my bully and not understand how afraid i am?

It takes every ounce of bravery to go out in the world each day, bravery to pretend to ignore those who stare at me because i don't pass, bravery to not appear shocked when someone deadnames me on purpose. Until now, i thought Yeng understood. She doesn't though and that scares me because she thinks i'm being unreasonable for being scared. I fear for our friendship.

Now that Yeng and the Mean Girl are friendly, i'm not feeling any less anxious about playing Anne this week. Yeng is upset with me and thinks i should give her a chance, but the email thread, which i've shared with Yeng, doesn't soothe my fear. Someone so willing to lie about me before is primed to do it again. I'd rather avoid getting a second strike and the two match suspension that follows.

Now, yeng is already mad at me and when she hears i'm not playing, things are going to go south fast. I fear for our friendship, but i'm too afraid to face the mean girl.

Onward,

Laura

February 2, 2022

Today was the match between our team and my bully. Initially, i had no intention of playing, preferring to get a sub because i didn't want to risk that the mean girl would file another grievance against me. Last weekend, i had asked LouieMay to sub for me, but she had already committed to subbing for one of the other players. At that point, i contacted my captain for her help. She suggested that one of our players, who's out with an injury, sit on the sidelines to observe the match, an idea that i felt comfortable with. The following day, this person called me and we talked about what i wanted, which was for her to bring a chair, and sit on the court next to us (which is separated by a chain link fence) and just observe, so she could provide testimony if/when the bully filed a grievance.

The following day, Monday, i reached out to Yeng to see if we could talk, but she declined, saying she was disappointed in me. I could tell things had reached a breaking point and that she was turning against me.  I crashed hard and continued my five days of crying and drinking. At that point, i told my captain i wouldn't play and that i was considering quitting.

On Wednesday, the 2nd, i drove up to Sacramento to look for houses. Now, prices have risen more than 50% in the past two years, so i was increasingly looking at smaller and older homes instead of the house i'd hoped to build.

Returning from Sacramento, i visited my one remaining friend, Person One, to ask for her advice. She knows me better than anyone else and knows all my secrets. Basically she told me that running away won't solve anything. Forgive me, but i was so depressed, i didn't see anyway to be happy here. Person One was right, though. I have to face my challenges and continue to try to be the best person possible. I've told my captian i'm going to stick it out, regardless of what happens.

While i didn't play the match against my main bully, she still found a way to express her hate by filing a grievance against the person who was observing our match. There's no rule excluding observers, but the board agreed with her and issued this person a strike. Amazing.

Laura

Feb 6, 2022

This weekend, i played in two groups that included Yeng. On Saturday, i gave her space by not engaging with her, but today, because she was on the court next to me, i said good morning to her. She ignored me. Later, i said good morning again, and while she returned the greeting, it was delivered coldly. I'm not sure how much longer she's going to give me the cold shoulder, but i'm getting bored with her immature behavior.  At this point, i know i'll be ok if she an i are never friends again and the longer she plays this game, the less i care. Having taught junior high for 20 years, this remind me of the way young girls can be so mean to each other. Apparently, some never outgrow it.

Laura

February 18, 2022

When the interleague season restarted after New Year's, Yeng shared that she'd only be able to play home games, since she'd needed to pick-up her daughter from school. Louie May, another filipino nurse, would substitute for her and that's how things proceeded until a few weeks ago. Now, Yeng refuses to play with me, so LouieMay has filled in each week. Fortunately, we've won all our matches so far, which is a small consolidation.

Laura

February 27, 2022

I need to get drunk.

Sundays, my friend Sid organizes a group of beginner tennis players that also include their parents/partners and friends. Needing a 12th person, he asked me to play today. Yeng and her daughter were also there on the court next to me. In the past month, whenever we're in the same area, she treats me like i don't exist, neither looking at nor playing with me. Today was no exception.

When she initially got mad at me, four weeks ago, my friends urged me to give her time to cool off and that eventually we'd be able to talk things out. Still, as time went by, my hopes for reconciliation have gradually faded. After today, i know we'll never be friends again.

Between sets, i walked up to her, telling her that i hoped where would be a time when we could talk. Her immediate response, which came off to me as passive-aggressive, was  "We're talking now." I replied back, "This doesn't count."  That was the extent of our conversation and i can only conclude that we'll never talk again. It's hard to separate her from my other bullies now.
Sometimes i regret not moving north two years ago.

Book Club
When i hadn't posted in several weeks, Danielle send me a PM sharing her concern. Because i had completely stayed away, i didn't notice the message until i logged in to lurk a bit. she had suggested that because of my troubles at the tennis club, i should expand my options so i could meet different people.

So, i've joined the local women's book club. Now, life in a 200K plus population city is different than in Danielle's "small town in Alaska".  In her case, i suspect that many of her book club members are people she's interacted with: customers, gym rats, and coffee shop acquaintances. Here, the 23 women in the club are new to me and their ages are roughly  similar to many women at the club, mainly in their 30s and 40s. Their first meeting was yesterday, so it was too late to read this month's selection and attend, but i've already confirmed my attendance at the March 26th meeting, which is at a local restaurant. I like the idea of lunch, book discussions, and small talk. It reminds me of the lunches our team has after each match.

By coincidence, this month's selection is a memoir about a woman pilot and her adventures in Africa in the early 1900's. i'll most likely be the only pilot at our lunch, so this should be interesting. The only glitch is that every meeting is at 11am on a Saturday, which immediately follows my Saturday doubles group, so there's a good chance i'll still be in my tennis clothes at the restaurant. At least i'm trying something new. Thank you Danielle.

Laura

February 28, 2022

New Month's Eve
This Wednesday Louie May will play with me for the last time. it's a home match, which Yeng would normally play, but, well, you know. My captain and i have been talking about who can sub with me for the final three matches of the season and it's not been easy. We already have an extensive sub list, but like my problem finding a partner, few people want to play with me. I trust my captain though that we'll find someone. Once the season is over, the sign-up sheet goes up for next year's team. Tryouts (using a ladder system) begin in early April. Given that three women have rejected my offer, i don't anticipate participating. My haters are happy.

Laura

March 2, 2022

As i find distance from Yeng's disappearance from my life, i'm finding my emotions are slowly coming back to the center. I've been blessed that LouieMay has subbed with me for the past two months. she's a wonderfully sweet woman with a skill level and temperament  similar to Yeng's. She won't be able to finish the final three matches since she has surgery next week.She has been a joy to play with, so for that i feel thankful. Yes, i need to remember that there are good people here at the club who don't care i'm trans. What matters is that i'm a nice person.

Today, our team played the team from the local country club and LouieMay and i  played the women who filed a complaint against me last November. our matches with them have usually gone three sets, but today we beat them in two. We struggled at times, but we stayed positive, communicated well, and never gave up.

Later, chatting with LouieMay through text, i shared that during the past year, i've slowly been evolving as a woman. I credited her and Yeng for helping me become a better person on the court, stopping my swearing and finding ways to stay positive while paying compliments to our competition for their good shots.

On the way home from tennis, i received a message from Luana who is the Mean Girl's partner. Now, i've never had an issue with Luana and she's played in my large Saturday doubles group. i've always found her to be nice to me. Unlike Yeng and LouieMay who are Filipina, Luana is from Brazil. She had called because she's heard that people are spreading a rumor that she (Luana) has said mean things about me. Now, to be honest, i'd suspect that her partner, my main bully, was the instigator, but Luana wanted me to know that someone is gossiping and that it's not true. she's tired of the drama on the team and not playing with her partner next year. With that, I asked if she would like to be partners with me next year. She's thinking about it so we'll see.

Laura

March 3, 2022

Revised Text to Yeng  (sent march 8
This past six weeks have been the most depressing since my second marriage imploded seven years ago. The pain feels just the same and to deal with it, i drank too much wine, cried too many tears, and ate whatever was in sight. My friends urged me to give you time and that eventually we might be able to talk things out. Treating me like I don't exist tells me that will never happen.

I do miss you. Becoming best friends with you was the highlight of the past 10 months.  I'll always be thankful that i was able to hang out with you, your family and your friends.  You were a miracle that came into my life and for that, i'll always feel thankful. I wish things were different because it hurts that we're no longer friends.

You'll always be welcome in the Saturday group.

<coda> Although she forgave me six months later, our friendship was never the same.

Laura

March 4, 2022

The Art of War
Drama continues to surround me and my team. Of my two main bullies, one is the woman who Yeng and I beat to become part of the team, kicking this woman off. Eventually she found a place with another team in our league. This Mean Girl also serves as the league score keeper and serves on the Interleague board, which issued me a strike in November.

Now, Mean Girl continues to hate me and like my other bully would like to find other ways to award me with two more strikes, which would expel me from the league. Recently, she's been calling other team captains fishing for complains against me and our team. During one of these calls, she found that a woman who subbed for our team didn't below to our club. Now, nowhere in our club rules nor the Interleague rules, does it say that substitutes have to be members. Still, This scorekeeper/Mean Girl complained to the board which took away one of our match wins. Now, in that particular match, we had won 4-1, so by forcing us to default one match, our win was now 3-2. Still a win, but you get the point. The mean girls are shopping. Our captain and team members are livid, but feel we must address these substantial defects in our Board and their imaginary rules after the season ends. They prefer to ignore, to fight and to win. We really do have a strong and supportive team and for that i feel thankful.
The takeaway for me is that these last three matches of the season are a minefield. One match is against the team with the Mean Girl/Scorekeeper and the final match is against the team with my main bully. Both matches may provide opportunities for these Mean Girls to file grievances based on lies. For that reason, i've requested an independent observer for my final two matches.

Laura

March 6, 2022

So much has happened during the past five weeks, and while the month felt fairly dark, i'm coming out on the other side now. I have many stories to tell, as i've continued to write during this period. i'll post a recap of my friendship drama, along with other stories within the next week. Oh, there remain many challenges ahead the next month or so, but i'll fill you in after an extraordinarily long post next week.

Requiem of a Friendship
I had never imagined that my best friend would suddenly and completely end our friendship and then treat me like i didn't exist. And yet it happened.

For most of February i felt fairly depressed, with the brunt taking place the first two weeks. I drank too much, cried too much, and ate too much, unable to do much of anything else. Strangely, my tennis didn't suffer. LouieMay stepped in as a substitute for Yeng and together we won all our matches. In addition, because LouieMay was as positive a person as Yeng, i'm feeling less stressed when we're down in the score, my swearing completely gone . It's been an interesting development of my transition this past year.

Yet, I harbor no hard feelings toward Yeng. She was my Deus ex Machina, my God in Machine, my miracle that allowed me to play in Interclub and feel welcomed among a wonderful group of women. I'm thankful she appeared in my life and i'll always feel gratitude. I'll always feel a bit hurt too that she so easily walked out of my life. I had no control over that though. No one owes you love or friendship. They either do or they don't. It's their decision and the longer you hold on, the more it's going to hurt.

i'm done mourning now and while  part of me will always miss Yeng, she is now part of my past. Whether i find new friends, or even a new best friend, can not be guaranteed, but i know this. I survived, i have people who care about me, and i will continue to grow and transition into the woman i will soon become.

Laura

March 13, 2022

Wedding Reception
"The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry". That's the basic summary of Laura's evening out at a wedding reception. In the end, i crashed and burned, leaving early after crying in the women's bathroom. I had always thought it was melodramatic when movies would show teenage girls crying the the bathroom, but at least i now have that experience.

The premise was simple. A wonderful couple, whom i've played tennis with and whom have been accepting to me from the beginning, invited me to their wedding reception. They'd been together for 17 years, married last August, but delayed their reception because of COVID.  <Deadname> had always seen them on the courts, but the first time Laura played at the club after going full-time, they made an effort to come over to me to introduce themselves. It still brings tears to my eyes that they chose kindness towards me.

A few weeks ago, Steve, the groom, called to ask me to the reception, saying the theme was tennis-based and that they were inviting several tennis friends. Held at the local country club, about 150 were in attendance. During his call with me, i opened my calendar and wrote down the date, which i thought was last Saturday.

I thought wrong. Last Saturday, i got all dressed up, drove to the Country Club, and got lost, unable to find the reception. I finally texted my friend Sid, who as also invited, asking where the party was.  Thankfully he responded quickly telling me it was the following weekend. oops.
So, yesterday, i dressed again and found my way to the reception. Six other tennis players were invited and we are all seated at the same table.  Also invited were my friend Sid and his wife, both tennis players, as well as Yeng and her husband. Given that Yeng has refused to talk to me and treats me as if i don't exist caused me a bit of anxiety beforehand. Yeng and her husband arrived last and while Yeng would have sit next to me if we'd still been friends, her husband sat there instead.
During the evening, i made a conscious effort not to show the hurt i still feel, as she continued to ignore me as the couples chatted. After we all shared a few glasses of wine and finally had dinner, Yeng asked me about the current drama I and the team are dealing with, this the subject of a post in the next week or two. She's not been on the teams text thread since she stopped playing with me, so she's not been privy about several major problems we faced the past three weeks.

Now, my captain had called me several days ago saying that Yeng would play the last two matches of the season with me. No one else will play with me, and because our team is currently in first place, league rules say that partners must play at least 50% of their matches together. Yeng needs to play one more match to reach the 50% mark.

As Yeng chatted a bit with me, i was happy to share the current dramas with her. We'd  not talked in six weeks, so i felt just a little hopeful that at least we could be on better terms. Our conversation seemed to flow well, until she reminded me of the reason she hates me. I crashed quickly, and while i tried to hold back the tears, i was quickly failing so i made my way to the women's bathroom and a closed stall to cry myself out. After some time, I felt February's darkness returning and i knew I wouldn't be able to maintain a happy facade the remainder of the evening. I returned to the table, gathered my things, and drove home so I could cry there.
Yeng and i play together in next Wednesday's match.

Text to Yeng <sent>
I hate being invisible to you, so i did my best last night to pretend it didn't matter. When you engaged me in conversation, i was more than happy to respond, having missed your company these past six weeks. You'd not been privy to all the recent dramas, some of which were directed at me, including a new grievance about my match with Paula. As i've written in my blog, i no longer care about the actions and words directed at me by my bullies. Because of that, i feel much more in control during my matches. My team, though, is livid about recent events and are staging their own protest. It's cute actually. i don't care anymore. I just want to have fun and do my best.

I was more than happy to bring you up to date because at least we were talking. I felt hopeful that at least we could be on better terms.  Then, you had to remind me why you still hate me. Yes, i  know i said something stupid to you six weeks ago and while i made a public apology, you never really forgave me. Reminding me only caused me to crash again. I tried to hold back the tears, but needed to escape to the bathroom to quietly cry. Knowing this would affect me more than a few hours, i gathered my things and went home.

I don't understand why you need to treat me this way and why you won't forgive me.

<Coda: she eventually forgave me in September, but things have never been the same.>

Laura

March 24, 2022

End of Year Summary
Yes, it's nearly April, but for me, today's stories tell the tale of my first year as Laura as well as how my first year playing Interleague tennis has affected my personal growth. The two are closely intertwined.

This is another LONG post. This could be because i believe by waiting, i can share stories that are interconnected, OR it could be because i'm a fairly skilled procrastinator. If i were you, i'd bet on the latter rather than the former. Don't discount the former though.

The Two Sides of Transitioning
Transitioning consists of two separate paths: physical and social/emotional. The first, while being time consuming, is fairly predictable. We begin HRT and wait for our bodies to change; adding boobs, softening our skin, slowing down body hair growth, and affecting our emotions in a positive, feminine way. This part of transitioning also includes the various surgeries we seek to transform our physical appearance: FFS, BA, and for some, GCS. Each has its own hoops to jump through and timelines for surgeries and recovery. Having completed the first two, GCS is still at least 18 months away, if not a bit more. Finally, there's electrolysis, a 300 hour pain-a-thon which, for me, is taken two hours a week for roughly three years. I've roughly two years left before my face and neck are free of this burden placed upon me by puberty, but as with HRT, patience is an important component. Slow and steady wins the race.

The social/emotional parts of our transition, like puberty, also take many years to progress through. My electrologist shared a story of a transwoman who rushed through all her physical development during her first year of being full-time: electrolysis, surgeries, and HRT. At the end of that year, she was beautiful and passed easily, and yet she was unhappy. What she'd not anticipated is that, like teenage girls at the beginning of their puberty, it takes years to become a woman as they progress through their new bodies, emotions, and female relationships.  That four or five year journey helps to mould them into the the first phase of their life as an adult woman. My electrolygists' client hadn't made that connection. I have and the stories below share how this past year have shaped my growth.
Time and trial by fire have provided me the perspective i'll need as i continue to progress through my second puberty. I still have much to learn, but i now feel i have the foundation to continue my growth.

Electrolysis
When i began electrolysis 14 months ago, i had thought we'd be done in two years. By last summer, it became obvious that patients average around 300 hours, or three years before they're finished. Currently, i've completed 106 hours under the needle, so another 200 hours, or two years seems to be the plan.

Clocked by an Old Neighbor
The city i live in, populated by more than 200K residents, is spread out over a wide area. Running through the western portion of town is a major highway running north and south. Being raised in the SF Bay Area, i've always lived close to this highway for easy escapes to journeys north, south, or west to the bay or the coast. 45 years ago, my first wife and I built a custom home in an upscale neighborhood close to where i currently live. Many of the homes were occupied by executives who would regularly move, transferred by their companies to new locations. Many others were lived in by doctors, lawyers and other professionals who had chosen to settle down here to raise their families. My current home, in a neighborhood i love, is only three blocks away, and yet i've not come across any of these neighbors, nor my ex-wife in the 23 years since our divorce. My ex still lives in the house we built.

During our final Interleague match Wednesday, the court next to us included a substitute player i didn't recognize. However, before we began playing our match, she approached and reminded me that she knew me from <deadname's> neighborhood. She shared briefly about some of the neighbors who are still there, but at that moment i had no memory of her. Only afterwards did i make the connection of her and the house she and her family lived in, just a few steps away from my ex's house. She was kind and displayed no disappointment in seeing Laura's presentation. Certainly,  my FFS, hormones, boobs and female presentation did not deter her from recognizing me, despite that it's been 23 years, and another gender, since she's seen me. I guess i shouldn't be surprised. I know i don't pass. i'm clocked constantly and while it still stings a bit every time it happens, being stared at has just become part of the many things i do my best to ignore. You must be brave if you choose to transition, particularly if you don't pass.

Letting Go
I'll share about my team in the next section, but now that it's been a year since Yeng fell into my life and allowed me to participate in our club's Woman's Tennis Interleague, it's easy to look back to see how events have shaped me. If you've read my posts, you'll know that two different bullies have somehow become obsessed with harassing me in various ways. Each of these episodes were fairly traumatic, as i fell, time after time, into the rabbit hole. Things came to a dramatic conclusion in the weeks after Yeng turned her back on me. Feeling nearly as depressed as i was after my second marriage imploded, it took time to process both my emotions and what i should learn from her behavior and my loss. Only then, having survived trial by fire, did i gain perspective and feel strong enough to stop caring about what others think. That my attitude matters more than their actions. That by staying strong and positive, i'm a better tennis player and person. By doing this, I show these Mean Girls that i don't care what they say or do. They can convince others i'm a terrible person, but they can't convince me that i am. This insight allowed me to let go, to not care whether Yeng will return to my life or if others will approve of me. My job is to continue to be the kind, friendly person that I've always been. Others can choose to enter my life or not. it's their choice.

After i came to this realization, i became a calmer, more positive player on the court, not worrying if some hated me,  and not feeling upset if i began playing badly. We all have moments when we make mistakes, so forgiving myself, staying positive, and continuing to try to do my best became the new Laura.

Onward,

Laura

March 24, 2022, Pt 2

My Team
Our club has three teams playing Interleague: one 'A' team and two 'B' teams which are differentiated, Team Red (which i belong to) and Team Black. Early in the season, we branded ourselves Team Fire, although i'm certain the other women weren't aware of the harassment that would continue towards me for the entire season. As each of these episodes occurred, my team slowly and steadily began to understand what it means to be transgender, as i slowly educated them about living life while trans. For many, this was eye opening. While i was often the target, most of them also took this personally as an attack on the team. Through these events, and our weekly lunches after matches, we bonded as a team. Our captain, who'd been captain of teams before, didn't realize that she'd have to expend more energy this year than all the years she's captained before, all because Laura wanted to play and a few Mean Girls didn't like that. She, my captain, has become one of my advocates and i trust her completely. Yet, despite all the drama, our team stayed positive and ended up tied for first place.  Our final standing never mattered to me though. Bonding with these women, having fun, and overcoming my obstacles was my reward for this season. I choose to ignore how the Mean Girls and Yeng try to bring me down and to focus on loving what i do.

There was a point several weeks ago, when we all expressed a desire to stay together next year as a team. We enjoyed playing together that much and despite all the drama this year, we managed to stay positive and love having fun on the court. However, as the dramas mounted at the end, several decided not to play next year. it's funny/sad that when i finally got to the point where i stopped caring about the Mean Girls, many in my team were finally turned off enough to not return.

This, of course, has made my job of finding a partner for next year fairly impossible. The sign-up sheet for next year's team try-outs is up and with the deadline just a week away, i have no partner. I've asked five separate people, all women i've enjoyed playing with, but i've been rejected five times. Each of these women don't want to return to the league. My options have run out and while i can hope for the same miracle, a Deus ex Machina, to bring a partner into my life, the odds are against me.

Biannual Flight Review
Finally, all pilots must meet with a Certified Flight Instructor (CFI) ever two years to review the rules and practice maneuvers they wish to improve. Called a BFR, these really are an opportunity to continue our learning, brush off a little rust, or learn a new skill.  Mine is scheduled for tomorrow and i'm looking forward to learning something new.

Laura

March 25, 2022

Bi-annual Flight Review
Wonderful Friday morning here as I met with a new Certified Flight Instructor (CFI) to conduct my Biannual Flight Review (BFR). Now, all pilots must undergo a BFR every two years to review their knowledge and practice maneuvers they'd either like to improve or to learn something new. Rather than be test driven, the FAA's concept is that they are learning experiences where we can connect with an instructor to make us better pilots.

Today's CFI arrived in his own plane at the Modesto airport, parking close to my hanger, having taken off from his family's private runway near Waterford. Oh, what a life to have your own runway! Since returning to flying eight years ago, my Bi-annuals have been wonderful experiences where i always felt like a better pilot afterwards. As instructors like to say, a pilot's license is a license to learn. i'm glad i got to meet this CFI before he begins working with the airlines this coming May.

As always, i welcome all of my friends to come flying with me, where it's just a short local flight, a trip to Half Moon Bay for lunch, or a full Bay Tour. I love sharing the magic of flying with others.

Laura

April 1, 2022

Interclub
Today is the deadline to sign-up for try-outs for next year's Women's Interleague team. During the past month, i've asked seven women to partner with me and all declined saying they weren't going to play next year because of the drama that took place. I stayed positive in though, hoping that i'd find someone who would say yes, or that someone would reach out to me. Two of the women i asked, Paula and LouieMay, had subbed for Yeng and i felt we played well together, that we were both positive, and that we had fun. Even as today arrived, i still held out some hope, and had touched base with a few women to see if they'd changed their minds.

What i discovered is that Paula and LouieMay both had found partners and will be trying out for the team. I'm both hurt and stunned. i'd lobbied these people because we had played well together and had good chemistry. That they, at the last minute, changed their minds and found partners makes me sad. While i'd generally felt unwelcome at the club during the day, when women interclub members play, I did feel close to my team this past year and felt hopeful that i would return to the team next season. I treated everyone with respect and made sure we had fun on the courts, and yet, i feel so unwanted .  I do feel like an outcast since no one will play or partner with me.

Dear Mark,
I don't know if this is still you number, but i've no other contact info for you.
When you were the pro at MFRC, you knew me as <deadname>. Six years ago, i finally accepted that i'm transgender and began transitioning. After i began living full time as Laura Elliott, my legal name, i tried out and became part of MFRC's B team, playing Line 5 with a partner who was still learning. Despite the stress of finding so many haters (transphobic women) at the club, i found a common bond in my teammates and had a wonderful year, despite bullies who were obsessed with me. The harassment never ends, even though i was able to win a few people over.

I had hoped to repeat the experience next season, but in spite of asking seven people to partner with me, i've found no one who will play with me here. I don't want to end this experience though, because it allowed me to be a role model and gain friends who were understanding and supportive. I write to ask if your club has a Women's Interleague team and, if so, is there an opportunity to try out for the team. I've found that MFRC is the rare club that actually holds try-outs, since most clubs appoint people to certain teams. I do hope that Laguna Creek has an open process and that there's room for me.

Thanks,

Laura Elliott

April 2, 2022

I sometimes share my blog posts on FB, but because of the topic, i'm hoping you'll read and understand. As with most of my blog posts, this is a tad long.

WHY I WANT TO BE IN THE ROOM
I feel fortunate that during my career, i had a few amazing bosses, leaders actually, who taught me much about the change process, concepts i ended up applying when, as Executive Director of a State-Wide Educational Technology Project, i used to completely turn my ship around for a new purpose, one requiring the assembly of a variety of stakeholders: Departments of Education, the UC system, National online learning organizations, publishers, and educators. Change does not come easy; it's a long term project where the leader must have a clear vision of where "north" is and how they hope to get there. Moreover, the leader must take the time to slowly bring everyone onboard, listening to their concerns, so they also have ownership of the vision.

I share this because Women's  Interclub Tennis needs a change process. I've always known this, but, to be honest, despite all the drama and obsessive hate directed at me last season, i experienced more positive than negative. I made new friends and had the opportunity to teach many women what it means to be trans. <Deadname> wasn't very good at making friends, but Interclub helped Laura begin to find her groove. Transitioning is a long-term process, and so is the task of helping others understand and be empathic to my journey.

After asking 11 women to partner with me for Interclub, with no success, I've given up.  I had so hoped to be part of Women's Interclub next season, partly because i  hoped to make new friends, but also because i can't effect change unless i'm in the room. Yes, there are many stakeholders who should be onboard whether it's the club pro, club management, team captains, or the Interleague board. All should embrace the vision of a kinder league and be willing to take part in the change process. Even without any of the stakeholders, my being on the team allows me to be a role model, to create new allies, and to slowly effect change.

Each year, women, tired of the Mean Girls, leave the team, either choosing to stop playing entirely, or to play at a different club, one that is less tolerant of  bad behavior. I understand the desire to remove oneself from a toxic environment. Believe me. No one has been the brunt of this toxicity more than me, and yet i want to stay around. I want the club, teams, and players to be better, to be kinder, and to be more supportive of each other. This vision of north can't be realized unless more of us are in the room.

I'm already a role model in the two main doubles groups i participate in: Sid's Monday and Wednesday doubles groups that regularly include up to 28 people, and  my 12 member Saturday group. These generally aren't the people who have created problems this past year. The group that needs personal growth are those women who play during the day and participate in Women's Interleague. By not being in these rooms, there can not be change. The cycle of Mean Girls and women quitting because of them will just continue yearly, as it has for some time. 

Can one person effect change? Consider Wednesday night's Drop-In Doubles at Brenda, which thrived under our last club pro, and then withered and died after he left. That one evening each week helped drive membership numbers and provided a social environment for players. Within just a few months this past year, one person, Sid, helped Wednesday nights bloom again, their numbers swelling with new and current members alike.

I can't be that person for Interclub, at least for the next year. I can only be in the room if someone is willing to partner with me. Brenda has been my home club for 30 years and while our courts and tennis program deserve improvement, I'd prefer to stick around. I want to be part of a team though, so my only option would be to find a team elsewhere. Two years ago, i came close to building a house in Elk Grove. After i came out to a good friend, he had urged me to quickly leave Modesto since he had experienced a fair amount of gay bashing here. It's too late for me to move, but it's not too late to join Laguna Creek Sports Club and be a part of their team. I'd certainly face less drama there. i've reached out to Mark so i'm hoping things work out there. i'll always be available to play during the day at Brenda if any of you need a fourth.

Laura

April 6, 2022

First, thank you so much for your long and warm reply, @Danielle. You've been an important role model here so i always feel flattered when you read and respond to my posts. I've learned much from you, so even though we may never meet in person, i still consider you a good friend. (Someday i'll figure out where you live.LOL) Yes, I had a particularly tough year, but i feel as if I came out of this stronger and more open for the changes yet to come that will bring Laura into full womanhood. You've been a blessing.

After asking 11 women to partner with me for Interclub, i've given up hopes to be part of our club's team next season. The Laguna Creek club, which has 20 courts, is a hour north of here. Their club pro was OUR club pro for 20 years but moved up there six years ago. He's created an incredible program in a very active club. Last week, i actually came out to him and asked if there was a chance i could try-out for their Interclub team. His club didn't particpate this past year due to COVID restrictions, but he'll be getting back to me. BTW, he was completely nice to me about transitioning.

Plane Out of Luck
If you've followed along, you'll know that i'm a pilot and part owner of a Cessna 150 which is hangerred  at a nearby airport. The 150 is a two seater plane with a top speed of 100mph, which is slow by flying standards. The plane's size and limited weight limit means it's best used for day trips which has been fine with me. Even though i'm one of five owners, until recently only one or two others have actively flown the plane. One of our members recently received a pace maker, meaning he's grounded until he can get a Special Issuance medical clearance from the FAA, something that requires a variety of expensive tests and at least a year to complete. Lately, i'm the only one flying, which is good for me, but bad for the plane.

On the way back from electrolysis yesterday, our club's president called with some shocking news. Given that he and the others aren't flying and don't anticipate flying in the near future, they all wish to sell the plane outright. Now, normally when one of the five partners wants to move on, they just sell their share and we welcome that new pilot into the group. This time, four of the owners just want to sell the plane to a single owner, which means i'll be without a plane to fly.
i'm heartbroken.

I've loved flying that little plane for the past five years, particularly because our airport is only a 20 minute drive away. That we have a control tower meant that i could request Flight Following on the ground before my long flights.

I won't give up flying, though. AFter taking 40 years off to focus on my career and family, i'm making up for lost time, so stopping completely is not an option. Now, there are four airports within a 25 minute drive from my house. The airport northwest of me is where i got back into flying eight years ago. They have an active flight school and quite a few planes that can be reserved. However, they're SO active that you have to reserve at least a week in advance, and then it's pretty difficult to reserve for an extended time, so for long day trips or overnight adventures.

35 minutes east of me is an uncontrolled airport that has a Flying Club. Club's typically have different requirements for joining and while each club is different, this one might be promising. They have three airplanes: one two-seater and two four-seaters. I find this promising because a four-seater (Cessna 172) would be the perfect plane for a long cross-country, say to Arizona or Palm Springs. This morning, i emailed their president with a long list of questions, so i soon hope to learn whether this club will meet my needs.

Wish me luck.

Onward.

Laura

April 8, 2022

Today's a good day to share a very brief version of my cat story.

LESSON FROM A CAT
True story. When I was 25 and living in an apartment on the bad side of town during my first year of teaching, a stray cat taught me an important lesson.
No matter how much you desire it or how hard you try, no one has to be your friend. No one has to love you. They do or they don't. It's their choice.

I share this because someone i used to care about unfriended me and blocked me on FB. Her entire family blocked me as well. While i feel hurt, i know it's best just to walk away and not look back. People who are cruel to you don't deserve your time or respect.

Laura

April 13, 2022

Message to My Team Captain
Until a few days ago, i had looked forward to seeing Team Fire one last time. You know how much i loved being around all of you the past year and how much i had hoped to repeat the experience. I realize that it was just a pipe dream though.

Between Yeng's final act of cruelty last week and 14 rejections from potential interclub partners (which is a record i'm not proud of), nothing says outcast more than people who are afraid of being associated with me. I don't see myself ever being allowed back into the room. Yes, i know i can sub next year, but discounting the Line three and five subs last season, our team utilized few substitutes. And still, there's no guarantee that those who so easily rejected me would ask me to sub for them.

My options for the next year are fairly limited. I can play in Sid's Monday group and my own Saturday group, but besides an occasional singles match, I don't see any opportunities to build potential for next year's try-outs. It was wonderful while it lasted though. I'll always be thankful i was able to contribute and to be around such a wonderful group of women. I wish all of you the best.

Laura

April 21, 2022

I've always used this forum as a safe space to share the drama i've experienced and how i'm processing it. The past year certainly has been full of drama, which is something i'd prefer to avoid. Looking forward, i'm hoping just to share boring updates, like "Today, i did the laundry, mowed the lawn, and played with my two, adorable furbabies." LOL. We'll see how that goes. I normally hold updates here until i have something substantial to share, but today, i'm sharing several minor updates to issues that are continuing.

Looking Forward

Yeng
Two weeks ago, Yeng unfriended and blocked me on FaceBook, something that hurt me, but later i discovered that her entire family had blocked me as well. Now, I had really liked/loved her husband and 10 year-old daughter, so this final knife in the back hurt a little more. When Yeng invited me to her birthday party last May, I met her three best friends: one who lived in LA, one (Atchie) who lives near Yeng, and Calai who lives near me. All of them, including Calai's best friend Gayle (who wasn't invited to Yeng's parties) have been to my house for dinner. This week, i noticed that Atchie had unfriended me on FB. That she rarely posts means that this act was prompted by Yeng. Now, while Calai and Gayle haven't unfriended me yet, they are beginning to make excuses for not playing in my Saturday doubles group. I've no doubt that they're also under pressure to distance themselves from me. I do enjoy being around both, but Calai has been friends with Yeng for many years but because she's such a nice person, she may feel conflicted. i've not pressed them about my thoughts, but am giving them time. The coming weeks will show whether they both want to stay in contact with me. I hope they do, but i suspect that Yeng will prevail.

Plane
I also shared about how the four other partners of my plane had voted to sell the plane rather than individually sell their shares, as members had done in the past. Our LLC partnership has been around for more than 50 years, so we've seen lots of partners come and go, but the LLC has always stayed intact. My first thoughts were to investigate my options which i outlined in my previous post. One option was a flying club at a nearby airport, about 35 minutes east from my house. Given that they had two Cessna 172s (four seaters) and one Cessna 152 (two seater) was a hopeful sign that i could continue flying. After inquiring though, i found that the club had disbanded last August. That left renting from an airport about 35 minutes to the west of me, which is where i got back into flying eight years ago; not a great option, but an option.

Then, I found myself considering buying out all four partners. Now, airplane ownership is fairly expensive; just hanger and insurance costs can be excessive, let alone the required annual inspection. The more i thought about this, the more i liked the option to buy out my partners and then go it alone to sell the four other shares. it might take time to sell all four, but i could handle the expenses in the meantime.

When i mentioned my thoughts to the longest serving partners, one offered to sell me his share for what he paid for it in 1989, $1000. The other partner, who was the only other pilot to fly the plane regularly, has stopped temporarily to deal with the FAA's requirements about pacemakers. Once me knew my intentions, he called me and we talked about buying the three other shares and then trying to sell them. That provides more than a ray of hope that our little plane and LLC will continue into the future. Stay tuned.

Book Club
With Danielle's encouragement, I decided I needed to expand the groups i'm part of, so at the end of February, i joined the Modesto Women's Book Club, which meets at a restaurant the last Saturday of each month to discuss that month's book. Of the club's membership, most are in the 30-40 age group, but one of the members is also a member of the local LGBT group so that might be interesting. This month's selection was "The Vanishing Bride." I downloaded it to my Kindle and began reading about a week ago. Within the first 20 pages, I found myself thinking, "What have I gotten myself into? This is a story about the Bronte sisters. I know nothing about them and have never read their books, so i'm going to miss all the references about their lives and books." By the time i got to page 50, I realized how wrong i was. This was simply a fan-fiction detective story, and a fun one at that. I quickly finished the book and am looking forward to meeting these ladies next Saturday. Now, their 11:15am starting time means i'll still be in my tennis clothes, since my doubles group normally ends around 11am, but at least i'm going.

Tennis
As you've read, I had asked 14 women to partner with me for next season's interclub team. That i asked 14 really pushes the definition of insanity, but i knew and know that the only way i can continue to break down barriers is to be present, to be at the club and on a team. Now, I also contacted two other clubs in the area, but was told they didn't have room for me. Yes, the barriers are there. That leaves me playing twice a week and trying to pick up a singles match when possible. During the season, i'll have to trust that some people will ask me to sub for them. Given that most of last year's subs are on the new team, I may be one of a few available. We'll see how that goes.. In the meantime, a few members of my team have invited me to play with them during the mornings. Now, i'm mostly a sub when one of them isn't available, but i've three matches lined up with them the next three weeks, so at least i can be visible during the day at the club. For me, visibility means familiarity.

One of the subs who is part of this foursome, Paula, is one of the 14 who didn't want to partner, but who found a partner at the last minute. Yes, that stung a bit. I do like her, though. We're similar in age, our senses of humor are alike, and the one time we played together, we had a ball. I do really like being around her. Paula will be part of the foursomes i'm subbing for. We chatted a bit yesterday and she admitted that she, too, had reservations about me a year ago. As she got to know me, she began to understand my path and enjoy being around me. This is precisely why i want to be present; I'll never bring everyone over, but the more i'm present, the more people I have the opportunity to influence.

Flying
Most of the time, i fly alone because it's never boring when i'm in the sky, experiencing the magic that is aviation. I've always told my friends and neighbors that i'd love to take them up, whether it's a scenic trip around the Bay Area (something we call a Bay Tour) or a flight to Half Moon Bay for lunch. Last week, my neighbor's eight-year old son took up my offer, so i shared a lovely two-hour flight into and around the Bay Area with him. Here are a few pictures.
(https://i.imgur.com/2jLR5xQ.jpg)  (https://i.imgur.com/cqtcR2x.jpg). (https://i.imgur.com/EE0ZL9a.jpg)

Onward,

Laura

April 29, 2022

Just a few updates
Of the five owners of our airplane, one other has opted to join with me to purchase the other three shares and then resell them to new partners. this make take some time, so we'll be responsible for all the expenses until others join us. Lykele (my co-partner) and I are meeting today to finalize our plans so that we can complete the share purchases and transfer all the accounts. Now, one of the selling partners is currently the club president who does all the books. Given that i'll mostly likely become the new president, I first investigated QuickBooks, which is the software he's using but as it turns out is fairly expensive at $350/year. His wife is a CPA so he's had access to QuickBooks, so i started my research about the best candidate for my bookwork. I'm currently testing Zoho Books, which is free to companies (we're an LLC) with less than $50K income. I've spent some time creating vendors and sample invoices and while i'm a bit anxious, i think i can pull this off.

Saturday Doubles
With spring upon us, my Saturday doubles' group has become busier, despite that around five of Yeng's friends no longer play in my group, now that she's closed the door.Despite this, we regularly fill out our 12 positions and this week we expanded to 16. It's a lot to manage, given that some people cancel at the last minute, but at least i'm able to organize a weekly group of people who accept me.
Electrolysis

I continue my weekly two-hour torture sessions. My technician owns the business but because of demand, she's rented a larger space in the same building, hired two more technicians, and expects to open her new office shortly. Once that happens, i expect to begin bottom work.

Onward,

Laura

May 1, 2022

Somewhat Busy Weekend

Saturday
Normally, my Saturdays (ok, well nearly every day) is quiet once tennis is finished, but this Saturday was filled with adventure.

Tennis
I've been running a Saturday doubles group for about a year now. It's a bit of work each week to organize, but my main motivation is that this is one day i'm guaranteed to play with people who don't hate me. I send out invitations on Wednesday and most weekends we end up with 12 players. After Yeng left, about six of her friends left as well, which felt like a bit of betrayal and i worried about how more difficult it would be to assemble the group. Surprisingly, several more people asked to join, and by some miracle, this week 16 people came to play. Basically, i only invite people who are nice to me, people who aren't jerks. I love Saturday mornings and being around all these wonderful people. Of course, the downside is that all this work and friendliness hasn't resulted in people ask me to play with them during the week. Oh, i've asked people to play doubles during the week, but have never been successful. At least a few of my team members ask me to sub in their groups when they need someone, but that still leaves me feeling like an outsider, an outcast at my tennis club. BTW, my Saturday group plays at one of the high schools in town.

Book Club
A few months ago, as suggested by Danielle, i joined a local women's book club and Saturday was the first meeing i've been able to attend. The always meet the last Saturday of the month at 11:15 at a local restaurant. Even before attending, i knew this would feel a bit like the lunches my interclub team would attend after each match. Now, my tennis group plays from 8am-11am each week (we play four sets), so i arrived at the restaurant in my tennis clothes. 12 members attended this day and about half were their when i arrived. Perhaps 1/3 of the time was spent discussing the book and the remainder was a bit of socializing. Now, <deadname> always had difficulty in these situations, but Laura focused on the women nearest to me, about six, to slowly get to know them. So far, none of the women are tennis players, although many golf. One is a teacher (like i was) and one has a Beach Bonanza (a really cool plane). it's going to take a number of meetings to get to know all the women, but at least i started. Note that i'm pretty sure everyone clocked me, but no one said anything. they were all nice to me. Of course, that's how things started at the tennis club when Laura when FT, so we'll see what happens over the next few months. At least i'm stretching my horizons and meeting new people.

Tesla
As i left the book club luncheon, i drove straight to my one of my tennis friend's houses to pick her up and drive her to Stockton to pick up her new Tesla. In the past six months, four of my tennis friends have purchased Teslas. i've given test drives and provided advice before and during their ordering. Both before and after the drive, i began to show her the car's software interface and how to perform different tasks.

Sunday
My one best friend is Person One who has been quite loyal to me these past three years. Her name is Nora and i'll forever be grateful to her. Nora plays tennis and she's flown with me several times. i've promised to fly her to lunch at Half Moon Bay, so i'm looking for days when the weather is perfect for us. She's the one friend who loves flying and is not afraid of little planes or of me as a pilot. that's great because i love sharing the magic. Nora's not been playing enough tennis lately, so we've carved out Sunday mornings to play singles with each other. i enjoy singles, but i like spending time with her even more.

Laura

May 16, 2022
I have a variety of updates before we get to today's stories.

I wrote previously that Person One, my best friend of three years who was the person i first came out to, is named Nora. She and i continue to talk often for hours at a time. She's been flying with me before with our first trip being a Bay Tour, but for her 40th birthday in 2020, I'd promised to fly her to Half Moon Bay for lunch. This was also the first time Laura made a public appearance. While at the airport preparing the play to fly, I found the fog along the coast had still not cleared. Instead, we drove to a nearby city to shop and have lunch. Still a wonderful day. since then, we've had many close calls, days when we were both available and the weather was acceptable, but we've not been able to make the flight. this Wednesday, though, looks like it might be a good day, so i'm crossing my fingers.

Regina
Dai and Regina were partners during inter-club last year, playing Line 2 while Yeng and I played Line 5. The majority of our team wins came by the way of victories by Lines 1, 2, and 5. While Dai was an early supporter, lending me advice and acceptance from the beginning, Regina never smiled when around me so i suspected, for some time, that she disapproved of me. Of course, i was cautious about most of the team for the first six months as we played together, rooted for each other, and shared lunches. Over time, as I was able to share bits about transitioning and our community, many team members came around. Late in the season, I began to see Regina smiling around me, so I though perhaps there was hope.
Once the season concluded, Dai joined the country club in town and planned to play inter-club with them. I'd been under the impression that Regina would be joining her, only discovering a few weeks ago that she decided not to.

Now, what's fascinating to me is that three of the times i've been asked to sub the past two weeks, Regina was my partner. We'd never played together before, so what happened was a complete surprise to me. We had a ball playing together and i began to uncover her quite sense of humor. she played well at the baseline while i took the net position, each of us working as a team as we won our social matches. I loved her style of play and she complimented me on my put-away shots. I wish i'd know she was staying at our club because she'd make a wonderful partner.

Weight, Weight: Don't Tell Me
It's been months since the last time i fell down the rabbit hole. I was right when i wrote previously that last year both my dreams and my nightmares came true. Unfortunately, with my fairly thin skin, I fell into depression each time i felt the bullies attack. Yeng's cruelty to me, after she unfriended me, led to my final time down the hole. Coming out of it though, i felt myself toughen up, not caring about what a few bullies can do because my friends and supporters outnumber them.

However, the damage had already been done. Each of the times i fell down the rabbit hole, i'd park myself on the couch, watch Korean RomComs on Netflix, and pig out on comfort foods. Over time, I gain 17 pounds. Finally, a few weeks ago, i decided i needed to become proactive and begin dieting. Gone are my comfort foods and alcohol and in is a need to begin the long journey to get back into shape. i'm off to a good start and as long as i stay vigilant, i know i'll eventually reach my goal so i look and feel better in my clothes.

Progress: one step at a time.

Onward.

Laura

May 23, 2022

Plane
Last week, i took our potential partner up for a flight so he could have an idea about how a Cessna150 handles as compared to the Cessna 172s he's been flying. They're similar airplanes, although our plane is slower and lighter. the flight went well and he's meeting with our outgoing partner, who's also a CFI (flight instructor) to hand over his payment and get a check-ride. The other departing partner has found a buyer, but i've not received information about this person or if the sale is in progress. Once both shares are sold, we'll hold a general meeting so we can all meet each other and discuss raising the monthly dues since insurance and annual maintenance fees are rising.

Book Club
I enjoyed my first book club experience and was glad it was a women-only group. I know it will take time to get to know the other women but i'm looking forward to the experience. I finished this month's selection, "Kings of the Wyld" yesterday and boy was it a hoot. Taking place in a fictional magical world about 1000 years ago, a group of aged warriors, once a band that fought various creatures, gets back together to save one of the member's daughters. The first 100 pages was a cross between Monty Python and The Gang that Couldn't Shoot Straight. Before long, they find their stride, although humor and topical references  abound. One of the referenced characters is "Neil the Young", so you can see that humor is never far off. i'm looking forward to this month's meeting, which is the last Saturday of the month.

Hawaii
Now that COVID restrictions have improved, and although i still mask, i'm doing my best to pull the trigger to vacation in Hawaii. I've shopped around and am doing my best to push the button to secure the trip.

<coda: This really was the beginning of my blooming.>

Laura

January 24, 2024

We've reached the part of my story/journey where everything began to change. My first 18 months of full-time were very much like being in junior high school, where mean girls pick on those who are different. That's too simplistic though. Yes, there was meanness, but there were also valid complaints about parts of my personality that weren't female and that needed to change.

Out of that pain and hard work evolved a different Laura, one who was kinder and happier.

And Nora was right. Once I found my own happiness, people would become more comfortable around me and I'd attract new friends.

And now back to our story.

Laura

May 28, 2022

One Step at a Time

Getting Out of Dodge
About 10 days ago, i finally made the leap to get out of Dodge for a week. I've traveled a bit in my life: regular trips to Hawaii during the 80s and 90s, annual trips to China (Nanjing) in the aughts (2000s), and several trips to the Philippines. Since beginning HRT, i've not escaped anywhere, partially because of COVID and partially because Laura didn't feel confident enough to travel alone. I've written previously how i have difficulty attending some events alone because for me part of the joy of the event is experiencing it with someone. Nora (Person One) was right though. I have to begin feeling comfortable doing the things i love alone. that life is too short. that now that i've feeling more confident, i should go out and enjoy myself.

So, i've scheduled a trip to Kona, Hawaii beginning June 15th. I was careful to plan around my electrolysis and to make sure i'm back for next month's Women's Book Club meeting, which i'm enjoying attending. I've visited every island in the past, but have never stayed in Kona which is actually not my favorite place in the islands. For me, it's too touristy. Still, i'll be on the Big Island where i can still take a day trip to my favorite city, Hilo, where my father was born in 1925. I'll be writing more during my trip. I'll do some shopping, some reading, and some adventuring. However, the main purpose is just to relax and to not be stuck to the couch. i'll miss my cats though who will be attended by a teenager next door.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
When COVID began, nearly 2.5 years ago, I used it as an excuse to begin growing out my hair. I'd been wearing a full wig at the point and would continue doing so for another year. However, playing tennis with a full wig was very inconvenient as it often shifted on me during play. quite embarrassing. At first, i'd intended on getting it styled last summer, but as my hair grew, i became more curious about what length would look best on me, so i continued to let it grow. In the past month or so, i've reached the point where, because my hair is fairly fine, longer hair just doesn't look good on me.

Around the same time, as i told Nora about my Hawaiian trip, she told me it was time to visit a stylist. Nora really is a great friend who cares about how i'm progressing through my transition. Unsure about how the stylists my my town would react to a trans woman, she cautioned me to try to find someone who was trans-friendly. After doing some research, i found a salon about an hour from here. Making the trip yesterday, i felt quite comfortable with this salon. After sharing some history about my hair and showing my stylist a selfie i took a year ago, which had a length i felt looked good, she spent some time playing with my hair to see how my hair falls and what might work on me. the result was a length longer that i'd anticipated, but a look i'm comfortable with. As she said, it's better to start a little longer and see how it looks because we can always go bolder next time. My new avatar is me right after the appointment. Not the best picture i could take, but more will come

Women's Book Club
My second meeting with the book club was today, right after my Saturday tennis group. Again, i had a wonderful time with these women who are so interesting, intelligent, and well read. This month's selection was The Kings of the Wyld, which was a hoot to read. Quite funny and entertaining. Next month's selection is Lessons in Chemistry.
Nora and i continue to play singles each Sunday morning.I'm so thankful to have her as a friend.

I'll leave you with this wonderful quote from Elliott Page.

"I can't overstate the biggest joy, which is really seeing yourself. I know I look different to others, but to me I'm just starting to look like myself. It's indescribable, because I'm just like, there I am. And thank God. Here I am. The greatest joy is just being able to feel present, literally, just to be present, to go out in a group of new people and be able to engage in a way where I didn't feel this constant sensation to flee from my body, this never-ending sensation of anxiety and nervousness and wanting out. When I say I couldn't have ever imagined feeling that way, I mean that with every sense of me."

And that's how we all feel.

Onward,

Laura

June 2, 2022

Google Outed Me
When you transition, part of the work is to legally change your name and to erase your <deadname> from all your accounts. Of course, people you're familiar with will remember who you used to be, but most readily accept your new name and gender. Even if we don't pass, people new to our lives will never know who we used to be and that's a good thing. To be reminded of our <Dead Name> is to be outed and disrespected. It's also extremely dysphoric and tends to stop us in our tracks. It's happened once before, but intentionally by a hater at the club. Today's story is how Google outed me.

You all know i'm a pilot and that i'm one of five owners in our plane's partnership which we call Modesto Vapor Trails. Recently, two new owners have joined us, buying their shares from departing members. One of the new owners is X who, by chance, is someone <dead name> knew and sometimes worked with when i was at the County Office of Education. A few weeks ago, as he was thinking about buying in, I took him on a flight around Modesto so he could get used to the plane. I recognized him immediately, although he didn't seem aware (or was too polite to say) that we knew each other.

Today, we held a partnership meeting at our hanger so we could introduce ourselves and take care of some business. As we were talking, X looked at me and said, "Do you know <deadname>? I Googled you and you both live at the same address." I can't describe the panic i felt knowing i was outed and that the whole group heard my <deadname>.  I tried to compose myself and then said, "That's who i used to be. We won't use that name anymore." Now X knows both that i'm trans as well as my <deadname>. The meeting continued as if nothing had changed and we all left on friendly terms.

Still, anyone who is curious can easily Google Laura and find that <deadname> lives at the same address. Just one of the hazards of staying put rather than moving to a new city. There are may things that cause us to be dysphoric, and <deadnaming> is near the top of the list.

Onward,

Laura

June 15, 2022

On the Road Again (Finally)
There are few places i feel more comfortable than being in the pilot's seat or roaming around an airport. Grounded by COVID and my transition, i've not traveled commercially in several years. I miss the anticipation of a flight because, for me, the journey is as rewarding as the destination. <Deadname's> passport was well used, yet Laura's is still waiting for her first stamp. That will come because today i escape the flatlands of the San Joaquin Valley for a return to Hawaii, a place i frequented during the 80s and 90s. In those old days, we'd use Oahu as a base while striking out for adventures on the different islands. During this adventure, i'll be staying in Kona on the Big Island, an area i've never been enthusiastic about because i prefer settling into an area and enjoying being around "the locals." Kona is definitely a tourist destination, while Hilo, on the other side of the island, is my favorite place. I'll write more about that in a few days.

If i could park myself at any airport, it would be SFO's international terminal. There i feel the grandness of the space, the view of the tarmac with large jets arriving from or departing to far off destinations. I always feel amazed that within the following 12-14 hours, the people around me will be scattered around the world. Today, i'm at KOAK, Oakland International, which always feels more like a commuter airport, probably because my many business flights usually departed from here.
While i have a few day excursions planned, this is mostly a "get out of Dodge" trip, where i plan to relax and to do some reading. Updates to follow.

I slept eight hours last night, the most i've slept in quite some time, possibly because i didn't have cats walking all over me demanding breakfast. I miss them dearly. Walked about a mile into the outskirts of town to check things out, confirming that this area, at least, is tourist centric. I didn't buy anything, but will probably wait until i drive to Hilo Sunday to find something to bring back.
Sight seeing isn't part of this trip. I've been to every island, seen all the sights, and found what i love, the quiet normalcy of Hilo where my grandparents lived between 1922 and 1928. Tomorrow will be a nice four mile hike into what is called, " The hidden craters." Should be fun.

Otherwise, this is just a trip to get away, relax, and do some quiet reading. I'm nearly finished with this month's Women's Book Club selection, "Lessons in Chemistry". It's been a wonderful read.

HIDDEN CRATERS HIKE
Glorious morning as i participated in a group of seven on the Hidden Craters Hike here on the Big Island. By coincidence, it was an all California group: a retired married couple from Concord and a family of four from Fresno that included a second grade teacher. Normally an introvert, <deadname> would have been on the quiet side, but Laura has learned to engage people and before long we were all chatting and laughing during the entire trip. In all, we hiked just under three miles with a thousand foot climb.

It was worth a morning.

Onward,

Laura

June 22, 2022

On the Challenge of Living While Trans
While it's been 25 years since i last visited Hawaii, this trip felt a little bit like coming home.
Choosing Hawaii as Laura's first trip was easy, but pushing the button to reserve the trip took longer than I'd anticipated. I'd not traveled in years and had become accustomed to adding stamps to my passport. This was different though; Not only would i be traveling alone for the first time in my life, I'd also be traveling while trans. Both reasons were cause for delay. Below the surface the whole time was a quiet insecurity, that I would be unsafe, that people would stare at me, or that I couldn't fit in. Transitioning can feel like walking through a minefield.

What i've learned during this time away from home was that indeed i can travel alone, but that i'll always face the same obstacles i've encountered the past year. At home, most people at the tennis club knew <deadname> so that will always be their reference point about me. Whether it was a factor in their bullying i'll never know. I just know that i feel unwelcome at the club.

I've encountered two types of people the past 19 months that Laura has lived full-time; Those who accept me and see that i'm a good person, and those who exist somewhere on the bullying spectrum. Like many things, transphobia exists on a spectrum. On one end are those who overtly bully. On the other end are those who quietly disapprove. In between are variations from both ends; rumor spreading, exclusion, and acting friendly while privately hating. Perhaps the past year would have been easier had i moved to a more liberal and trans-friendly city. Perhaps had i been passable as a woman, i wouldn't have been stared at so much, what we call "being clocked". Passing is the holy grail of being transgender. With it, you have an E ticket to living freely as a woman. Without it, people feel obliged to turn and stare and some women feel they have permission to be cruel.

What have I learned during my week on the Big Island? First, I'm comfortable traveling alone. Sure, i'd prefer to have a companion. Travel is always more fun when you have someone to share the adventure with. To keep myself from being too conscious about being alone, i brought along several e-books to read. You don't need a friend to read a novel and enjoy it. Next, i made sure i planned several side trips: One in a group to explore lava tubes and a crater and one day trip Hilo with a stop-off at Akaka Falls. Both these excursions kept my mind busy. While in Hilo, I felt comfortable dining alone, something i've never done. Yes, it's a bit weird to eat alone, but having an iPhone to read helped pass the time. again, a companion would have been nice but i survived without one.

I also learned that being trans will always be my calling card. i'll never pass. Those who are younger have a greater chance of passing because their bodies haven't been subjected to the kind of damage that decades of testosterone have caused me. The other, possibly greater factor, is genetics. If your family, particularly the women, are attractive, then you have a chance to be attractive too. In my case, i came from a fairly plain, unattractive family. I've accepted this verdict and have done my best to keep my head high and to enjoy the years i have left. I will continue to find people who accept me/like me because i'm a good person. i'll also continue to come across people who have no reservations about hating me.

That's what i've learned this week. I'm a good person who does her best to be kind to others while trying to ignore those who hate me. I chatted up a number of people this past week, so i know that introverts can also be friendly and outgoing. I'm blessed with a wonderful best friend who always challenges me to be a better person as well as many supporters who come to my Saturday doubles group. With those blessings in mind, i also feel the weight of being an outcast at the tennis club. There are just too many people there who exist on the bullying spectrum. Some of them may smile and pretend to be friendly, but I'll never be accepted by them. I'll always be an "other" who doesn't belong on the women's team, nor on a mixed doubles team.

I also learned that no matter where i go, i'll always be tagged as trans. Most of the time, i'm just Laura out enjoying life whether it's strolling down the street, shopping, or sight seeing. When someone choses to begin staring at me, i know the fourth wall has broken and i begin to feel self-conscious about my appearance. Someone clocked me and insists on making me feel uncomfortable. And so goes life. Living while trans can be challenging, but it's always made more difficult when you can't pass.
I'm glad i took this first vacation and while the ghosts of the past year follow me, i know i can be happy while traveling. I've made several friends here and carried myself well, despite the challenges.

i'm looking forward to the next trip.

Onward,

Laura

July 9, 2022

It looks like another lengthy update today. Stay with me, because life got interesting. I have several updates before today's story.

Life After Hawaii
If there was one thing my trip to the Big Island taught me, it's that Laura is ready to travel by herself. I loved the ocean-view condo and I did my best to chat up people where ever i was. This was very unlike <deadname> but Laura is beginning to find her stride. I know i'll return to Hawaii next year, staying longer, but i'm anticipating several trips before then. This trip revealed that Laura is much more comfortable being Laura and while i've years until my second puberty is complete, i feel well on the way. The thousand mile journey i began with a single step six years ago is far from complete, but i can now feel my progress.

Upon returning home, i found my two cats well cared for by my 13 year-old neighbor. While i was afraid they might be mad at me for being away, i found my oldest cat, Cessna, was particularly clingy my first day back. oh, i'm perfectly ok with cat clinginess, but they are now back to pre-travel behavior.
Mixed Doubles League

Trix is the original creator of our Saturday doubles group, which i took over last summer when he became involved in a USTA league. Before i left for Hawaii, he and his current Friday group (which includes Nora (Person One), created a mixed-doubles competition at our club. After he shared this, i began my quest to find a partner. Before and during my trip, i contacted several men to see if they'd partner with me. All declined, saying they were playing with others. At this point, this was beginning to feel like my failed quest to find a Ladies Interclub partner where i reached out to 14 women but were rejected by each one. Now, i'm a fairly decent player and stronger than many of the women who would be playing, so this was starting to bother me. Finally, Ashish, who plays in my Saturday group, said yes. Now, Ashish is a strong player as is his son and daughter, both who also play Saturdays with me.
Ashish and i played together in last Saturday's doubles group and my friend Sid put us together for all three sets in his Monday group. That way we could figure out how best to play with each other, discovering each others strengths and practicing the communication all good doubles groups must have to maneuver through a match. Our final practice, on Thursday, between Sid and his partner, went better than i imagined with us winning in three sets. Today was our first official match, playing against Regina (who was on my interclub team) and her husband, who is a very good player. Despite my anticipation that this would be a tough match, Ashish and i won in two sets. It was a hard fought match, but Ashish and i kept communicating and problem solving throughout the match, which helped tremendously. There are 12 teams in this round-robin competition (including my former partner/friend Yeng and her husband), so we'll be playing until late September. We're off to a good start though.

Redecorating
I returned from Hawaii a newish person, determined to start expanding my boundaries. One of my first quests is to redecorate my house. I've a large house that includes a living room and family room, but since the divorce, my living room is void of furniture while i spend my time in the family room, which was decorated by my ex-wife and i. She was native-born Chinese so our family room reflected our love of China. We had many different Chinese artworks and a variety of Chinese furniture. Adding to this was a new couch, loveseat, and chair i purchased last December. My first decision was to move everything into the living room and begin again to express who i am now, not who i used to be.

For me, that style is Hawaiian. Now, my first wife was Chinese, but she was born and raised in Honolulu, so we spend our vacations there, using Oahu as a home base and then traveling to the outer islands. I've been everywhere in Hawaii, but my favorite island is the Big Island with my favorite place being Hilo where my father was born in 1925. During one of our many trips, we discovered the artist Pegge Hopper, who was very popular from the 70s until she retired a few years ago. We ended up purchasing two of her lithographs for our house and i've never really forgotten how much i loved them.

So, I decided to let my love of Pegge's paintings guide my redecorating. First, i ordered several of her Koa-framed paintings, and a few smaller prints that i'll frame here. This was an expensive purchase but because her work inspires me, was a good decision. Her style is informing my other purchases. Her work will adorn my hallways as well as my family room. Next, i contacted a wood worker on the Big Island, who specializes in making Koa furniture. Koa is native to Hawaii and is fairly rare. yet, i have fond memories of the Koa furniture my ex-inlaws had, so i knew this was the right choice. The wood worker is winding down his business (he's my age), but has enough stock to build me a coffee table. I'm expecting delivery in September. Recently, i found a few perfect pieces for my downstairs bathroom. They'll arrive within a week. Several of the paintings are already on the walls, but i'll wait until everything has arrived before making my final decisions about where best to place things.

Finally was the choice of the couch, loveseat, chair, and end tables. After much searching, i found a wonderful Rattan set and a fabric that will fit nicely with my theme. I finally ordered the set yesterday, although i'm not expecting delivery until December. No problem. I'm on a redecorating journey so my living space will reflect how Laura now feels and lives.

And now, today's story.

Serendipity Times Two
There's an old saying that when luck knocks at your door, let it in. We all have times when we feel lucky that something happened, and i know i've taken advantage of these opportunities when ever they've presented themselves. Luck knocked twice after I returned from Hawaii.

Carolyn
As organizer of my Saturday's group, i send out invitations to around 40 people each Wednesday to build a group of 12-16 people for Saturday morning. However, i'm also always scouting for people who will fit into our group. Because my group is my safe space, the two main qualities i look for is that first, they're a nice person, and that they accept who i am. Mean girls need not apply. While i'm looking for quality players, i tend to bring in people who are not yet at the level of the group, but who are slowly improving. We rotate partners each of the four sets, so no single strong player has to play with a weaker player more than once, but the strong players i've accepted are all nice people who are completely fine with the newcomers. Saturday is about good tennis and having fun and everyone knows that.
So, over time, i'm continually adding to my database of invitees, many whom i find when i play in Sid's Monday or Wednesday groups. he tends to have 24 to 32 people each time, which is a bit unwieldy, but it's provided me a laboratory where i can meet new people and find those who are both nice and relatively decent players.

Two of those players are Carolyn and her husband Jim. They're both retired lawyers who practice together, and in the six weeks i've known Carolyn, we've had a number of nice conversations which led me to confirm that she's a "good" person and someone i'd like to be around. To my surprise, after i returned from Hawaii, she suggested we have lunch together. Now, Laura's mission has always been to say "yes" to each and every invitation, so while i told her yes, i left the ball in her court. True to her word, she reminded me last Saturday and we set last Wednesday to have lunch at a local restaurant. To my delight, I had an incredible time. We arrived with the restaurant began filling with its lunch crowd and when we left two hours later, we again were alone in the restaurant.

I do feel humbled when people want to be my friend, but she reached out to me because i was a nice person. Despite her having a large circle of friends, she has few close friends, so she's choosy who she invites into her circle. That she invited me was a delight. I'm a great listener who finds it easy to draw people out, but i made sure to do my share of talking. What pleased me was that before asking about my transition, asked if it was ok to ask me a few questions about my life. That impressed me. We barely scratched the surface of our two lives, but i left knowing i've made a new friend that that we'll do this again

Donna
This one really surprised me and came from left field. I'll have to credit @Danielle for that.
Last February, in the midst of a depression brought on my my former tennis partner/best friend, Danielle suggested i stretch my horizons. Up until that point, my social circle revolved around tennis, which up until then had a spotty record for being accepting. She suggested i find a book group where i could interact with completely different people, knowing they they'd never met <deadname>. Essentially, a clean start.

The Women's Book Club meets the last Saturday of each month at a local restaurant, with book selections rotating among the members in alphabetical order. (Thank goodness they're still on the As.). In the four months i've belonged, i've had a great time, both dicussing the books, but socializing with the other dozen or so women who show up each month. I've had many wonderful discussions with these women and find some of them intriguing. One has a Beechcraft Bonanza, a much faster airplane than mine.
Shortly before leaving for Hawaii, one of these women sent a friend request on FaceBook. Now, i've alway made it a policy to not invite anyone, but to wait for people to come to me. This is one of those "be careful whom you trust" things. this person happens to be an elected official in our city and a conservative. yet, i've enjoyed her sense of humor and she's a science fiction fan, so i accepted her friend request. During my trip, i posted regularly about my adventures, along with many pictures from my trip. Before coming home, i wrote and posted the June 22nd post, as seen above this one. I cross posted that to Facebook, because as my duty to be a role model and educator, i wanted my friends to know how i'm dealing with transition. It was a deep post.

Donna, the elected official and my new FB friend, sent me a long direct message that expressed emphathy. I was deeply touched by her outreach and we exchanged a few messages.
Then, yesterday she posted she was at a small "arts" movie house in town watching David Lynch's first movie, Eraserhead. I commented that i loved Lynch's work. When the movie was over, she texted me to come join her for drinks at a small bar near the theater. Now, it was 6pm and i had a long day of chores. I also wanted to be mentally ready for today's competitive match. However, she persisted and i made true on my quest to always say yes. We ended up talking for three hours while sipping gimlets, a drink i've never had. I tried one and was instantly addicted.

She told me that she invites very few people for drinks at this bar. She's a public official and her friend list is extensive with her professional contacts. Why would this conservative woman befriend me? She told me it was because i was nice person. This was pretty much identical to what Carolyn told me during our lunch together, as her unfiltered self came out to share about her life.

Now, being nice at the tennis club has had limited success, but I AM that person. That's always been my North and perhaps hormones has refined my personality. Don't know. I do know that these two women never new <deadname> and don't care that i'm trans. In fact, Donna told me something i've heard before, that she didn't know i was trans until i outed myself at a book club meeting. Now, while i do see Laura in pictures i take, I still have trouble seeing her in the mirror. Perhaps I feel this way because i DO get clocked from time to time, but it's soothing to know these women saw me as a woman first.

It's been a wonderful week.

Onward,

Laura

July 13, 2022

It's story time again. Here's a recent adventure/revelation/paradigm shift I'd like to share.
I've written quite a bit about my inability to pass and how i do my best to just be happy that i get to be Laura full time. As i've written, most recently in my long Hawaii post, being stared at is part of every day, so i've always assumed that i will never pass. After all, while I can see Laura in the pictures i take, I never see her in the mirror.

I'm beginning to wonder when that's just a remnant of the person i used to be. Oh, i know some people will always clock me, but something happened to make me wonder.
And now for today's story.

Wait!!! What???
Five months ago, on @Danielle's suggestion, i joined a local Women's Book Club to diversify my hobbies and meet people not in my tennis network. The side advantage would be that none of these people every knew <deadname> so they'd have no reference point to my past life.  Early on, knowing/thinking i don't pass, i outed myself to the group and i was pleased to be readily accepted by them. The club meetings have been great fun, being 1/3 about the book and 2/3 socialization. Meeting at a local restaurant helps.

About 40% of the group are current or retired teachers. Last month, a new member appeared. She was a bit nervous, perhaps since she was a young college student and we were not. LOL. This month, we again had a new member, who i met when i arrived early. She and the group leader were chatting outside the restaurant entrance and i stopped to say hello. She looked quite young and shared that she was a bit nervous. I told her that we're a very friendly group that have wonderful conversations, so this set her at ease a bit.

During the lunch/book talk, it was evident that she was an extrovert, quite talkative, and very funny. Having earned her teaching credential, she is waiting for her two children to reach school age before entering the profession. That gave us a bit more to talk about, and i noticed  her looking at me intently when i was talking and joking.

When i returned home, i found her profile on FB and messaged her that i hoped she had a good time and that she's fitting into the group nicely. She then initiated a FB friend request, which led us to begin chatting more on Messenger. Our conversation went back and forth between teaching, the club and our lives. I said she looked younger than her age (27) and she didn't think i looked like 70 (bless her heart.)

Here's what stopped me in my tracks. At some point, i mentioned that i was trans, since i figured she already knew. She didn't. She had no idea i was trans. How can that be? Doesn't everyone clock me? I always thought that people clocked me but were nice to me because i was nice to them. I had so many wonderful conversations with people in Hawaii, never talking about my status, but i always thought those people knew. Perhaps the didn't. Perhaps my vision was clouded by the few people who freely stared at me, obviously clocking me. Maybe i do pass at times.

Wait!!! What??? How can i not see Laura in the mirror, yet new people i meet have no idea i've transitioned? Has this all been in my head? Thinking about this exchange, i'm connecting several dots that have been placed during the past year, dots that say that some people have no idea and even if the did, they just don't care that i am. They just care that i'm an interesting, funny, warm person.
Perhaps.

Perhaps if i look a bit like a duck, dress like a duck and talk like a duck, people will assume i'm a duck just like them.

This is going to take a bit to get used to.

I have more stories but i'll share those in another update.

Onward.

Laura

July 31, 2022

Thank you @Danielle and @ChrissyRyan for your kind words. On the back of this, I'm motivated to post a follow-up story, one that applies to all those who are in the process of transitioning. It's about unlearning and relearning.

Muscle Memory
In tennis (and i assume all sports), we practice a skill until it becomes automatic. That is, the processes of performing that skill becomes part of your muscle memory. You don't have to think about it while you're doing it. You just do it because repeated practice has made it automatic. In education, we call that Unconscious Competence. (The opposite being Unconscious Incompetence.) On one hand, you're doing something right and not thinking about it. On the other side is performing badly and having no idea that you're failing.

When you begin taking lessons with a new instructor, what he (or she) attempts to do is to help you unlearn your bad skills and to help you establish the correct skill set for a particular shot (say, forehand volleys at the net.) Unlearning and relearning takes time as the old/bad skill set is still in your muscle memory, so to improve your game, you have to constantly practice those new skills to place them into your muscle memory (we call that Conscious Incompetence. You know you're doing it wrong and you're working to correct it.) As the new skills take place and you improve your game, you're still thinking about what you have to do each time you make that shot (Conscious Competence). At some point, everything becomes automatic.

Transitioning is the same thing. All of us MTFs have spent X years as someone else and we practiced those skills so well that they are automatic to us. Becoming a woman means unlearning many of those "skills" and learning new ones. As we begin to transition, all those male skills are in our muscle memory, so part of the social/emotional growth we undertake during our transition is to unlearn and relearn.

That's essentially what my last post was about. The paradigm of who Laura is, is still clouded by skills and habits i established in my old life. Revelations, like what happened yesterday, help to move me forward and establish a new normal. Transitioning certainly isn't easy, nor fast, so every step we take forward in our thousand mile journey is a good step.
yesterday's revelation was an important step to help me build Laura's new muscle memory.

Onward.

Laura

August 20, 2022

Coming off an amazing August, and really an amazing year, i feel so thankful for surviving my first year 24/7 and for my continuing to evolve into the woman i want to be. it's puberty 2.0 baby. I'm so sorry for being off site, but one thing has led to another this summer. all good. yes, this is a very long post with many threads and, at least in my head, i'm composing my complicated feelings about getting GCS, which i'll cross post at a later date. I have three stories for you today.

I deserve to be happy. That, or the stars seem to be aligning after progressing through last year's drama. it's hard to tell, because i've been on a streak of fortune i couldn't have predicted. This has been a wonderful week, in a wonderful month, in a transformative year.

These first two stories are how i reunited with two of my oldest friends.

Reunited with Old Friends
In the last century (or, why not, millennia) I've had one male best friend of twenty years, whose friendship suddenly ended at the time of my divorce. I also had two wonderful female best friends i met during college. While male friendships are fairly one dimensional, my female friendships have been rich and rewarding. However, there have been decades when i had no friends. <deadname> simply wasn't capable of saying "yes" to invitations, so any and all opportunities were lost over time. Once you say "no" to people, it's amazing how quickly the invitations disappear. This, though, is how i reconnected with my two oldest female friends.

Beth
I first met Beth during my student teaching year and I was immediately drawn to her. She being outgoing, energetic, full of life and me still being the introvert that i'm still trying to shed. She became an amazing friend and the first person i ever shared deeply with and for that reason we kept in touch after i began my first teaching assignment. I lost track of her after we attended a concert after my first year of teaching.

When my first wife and i divorced, the Internet was of no help finding her, but i did find her brother who pointed me to her. she'd married and had moved to Las Vegas. We connected via email, but as her husband demanded she not have male friends, i again lost track of her. After my second divorce, i easily found her on FaceBook and we became FB friends. By this time, she'd divorced, moved to Wisconsin, and had adopted two children. We've watched each other's lives from afar since then, but never really connected nor shared all that happened during our absences. When Laura announced on <deadname>'s FB profile that she was trans, Beth quickly came over to her new profile.

For years, Beth would make annual trips to Las Vegas to visit friends, but i'd put off visiting her. Such was the fear i felt about being out in the world. Even after i went full-time, i didn't feel comfortable traveling, nor being out in the general public. 2021 was rough as I've chronicled in my previous posts, but after i pulled myself out of the last rabbit hole last spring, feeling like a new woman, i was ready to travel.

In late July, she announced on FB that she was flying to LV with her adopted son and spending a few weeks. Now, having learned from my Hawaii trip that i was ready to travel alone, i quickly checked my calendar to see if there was room to visit her. Between the tennis league (story three), and electrolysis, i only had one window to make it to LV, which would be the following weekend (which at that point was two days away). i quickly ruled out flying my own plane or flying commercial, so i told Beth i'd be driving down Saturday morning and returning Sunday. (Yes, this was a crazy plan, but i'm retired so why not?). Beth was thrilled and offered to share her two bedroom condo with me, so we could talk into the night.

I left for Vegas at 6am the next morning, arriving just after 3pm. Now, driving for 9+ hours can be exhausting, but having to stop several times to charge my Tesla helped break the monotony. Once i arrived, Beth and i talked non-stop until after midnight, slowing down only so I could take her and her son out to dinner. We continued to talk the next morning until i had to leave. Yes, i was exhausted when i got home that night, but it was all worth it to reconnect with a best friend i'd not seen in 45 years.
And yes, we'll do this again the next time she's in LV.

Gina
My best friend in college was Gina, she from New York and me from the SF Bay area. we were both theatre arts majors with careers headed in different directions. I think we probably connected as friends because we were so different from each other. (or perhaps because we were both Virgos. LOL. who knows?) I just know that we hung out together during and after college. After i finished my student teaching, i flew back to NY to spend a week with her and later when she moved to Los Angelas, i'd drive down to spend holidays with her.

All that ended when i got married and my first wife demanded that we not communicate. Now, Gina and i were never romantic and were never attracted to each other in that way. We just enjoyed each other's company. Gina was my first best friend, so losing her mattered

When my first wife and i divorced, I easily found her online and we reconnected via email and phone calls. She'd moved to the SF Bay Area in Marin, but her career had taken a fairly large turn. Her health problems were also quite a concern too, but at least we'd reconnected. Then, i remarried and wife two expected me to cut off our friendship.

I began searching for Gina after my second marriage imploded, but without success. For six years, i'd stop every so often and perform a variety of Google searches for her, but never found her. Because there was no trace, i couldn't help but feel that she'd seccumbed to her health issues. I shared this story with Beth during my visit to LV and she suggested i change up my search terms, which is what i did after i returned home.

I spent quite a bit of time experimenting with terms until i found my first bread crumb. She had a "Classmates" account and had posted on it in 2008, announcing she was an author. What confused me was that author of the book she referenced was not her, or at least her name. Was that a pen name or was she a pretender? It took quite a bit of research to find enough references that she was indeed the author. Finding her on social media took more time because all her accounts are under her pen name. At this point, she didn't know i'd transitioned, nor that i also have a new name. Using <deadname>'s twitter account and Laura's FB account, i reached out and was delighted she relied within a few minutes.
She immediately accepted Laura and once we connected on the phone a few days later, we talked more than three hours, barely scratching the surface the past four decades. It turns out that Gina had also been looking for me, but when two people have two new names, searching gets complicated. I owe Beth for her brainstorming.

So, this Friday, i'm going to fly my plane to Novato in the bay area so we can meet, talk, have lunch, and continue to catch up. it's a 70 minute flight which easily beats a three hour drive.
So, in the span of a month, i've reconnected with two best friends i'd not seen in 45 years. I'd say this was a reward for surviving my first year out.

Book Club
No stories here except to say that i'm thankful that Danielle suggested i join a local book club. This is a women only group and i've had a thoroughly wonderful time at our monthly meetings, eating lunch, socializing, and talking about each month's selection.

Mixed Doubles League
My first post about this league was on July 9th, so here's an update.
Our division of the mixed-doubles league has 14 teams, so we're playing 13 matches that must conclude by mid-September. My partner, Ashish, and i are currently 10-1. i'm stunned because i never thought we'd do so well together. There's a reason for our success though.

Ashish is a fairly strong player with weaknesses in several areas, but his biggest fault is that he can be offensive to his partners (and his children). While he doesn't think he's being critical, he believes he's just trying to help the person (or his children) to be better players. Now, he often plays in my Saturday group, so i've seen this in him but i'd not experienced it personally until our first few matches.
 
Laura did what <deadname> thought was right, but with a Laura twist. I pushed back, telling him that we must, as a team, be positive with each other, offer constructive advice, and problem solve constantly during a match. Then, during our matches, i made sure we were doing just that. it took a few matches, but we've reached an equilibrium where we constantly talk during a match. This is our strength and i believe it's why we beat several teams who were stronger. We're currently in second place with two matches to go, one that will be easy and one against an undefeated team. Regardless, we'll enter playoffs in a strong position, all because Laura has evolved.

I have one more story about Nora and a birthday weekend & flight we're planning, but i'll save that for another day. Somewhere down the line, i own @Danielle a lunch. You and Nora have been a rock for me.

Onward,

Laura

September 7, 2022

Thank you @Danielle for the birthday wishes. You asked how i was going to spend my day. Well, to be honest, i was just going to stay home and clean house. I had considered flying to Half Moon Bay since the weather is nicer during the day. We're in the middle of a heat wave with yesterday topping out at 112F and today dropping down to a chilly 105F. it's a swealtering week. I can't remember the last time i felt happy on my birthday, since i always spend it alone. Today turned out differently though.

Around 9am, Nora, aka Person One and my best friend, dropped by my house before leaving for work. She brought with her a few presents and two small bundt cakes. Tears came  to my eyes as i opened the first gift, a beautiful necklace. Nora's friendship has meant so much to me so this act of kindness really lifted up my day.

Oh, i sitll cleaned house, but at least i felt special for the first time in years.
(https://i.imgur.com/ItGjuGa.jpg)

Onward,

Laura

September 18, 2022

This has been a momentous week, in more than one way. While performing quite well in tennis, a number of cascading trigger events placed me in my first depression since last spring and reminded me that i'll never fit in at my club. Here's the journey that led up to a decision to declare failure and move on.

The Experiment that Failed
Two years ago, on the cusp of going full-time, i pondered here whether i should move an hour north to begin Laura's life where people wouldn't have the old me to compare to the new me. I knew the city i live in was generally not accepting of the LGBT community, so I spent several months considering my options: Stay here and hope that i'll be accepted or move north to a city more accepting. In the end, i chose to stay. The drama that ensued last year is already on these pages, but i still wasn't ready to give up. I used those experiences to try to improve myself, to be less "him" and more "Laura" on the courts. I do feel that i'm a better person now but i despite my evolution, i know it's not been enough.

We all know the classic definition of insanity, that is doing the same thing over and over hoping for different results. I tend to be someone who doesn't give up easily because i keep hoping for conditions to improve, and yet despite my evolution during the past two years, nothing has really changed at my club. I'm still an outcast who will never be accepted.

I've written about the Mixed Doubles league that i've been part of these past three months and how my partner and i have worked well together and achieved a nice level of success. There have been two parts of the league. In the first, the 14 teams played each other in a round robin with the final standings acting as ranking for the season end tournament. Last Sunday we played our 12th match against a team i thought we'd beat easily. Despite that, it was a long two-setter lasting two hours, mainly because the woman, Rose, played exceptionally well. We still won, 6-1, 6-0. After the match i hung around because other teams were playing, sitting first with Rose, who often plays in my Saturday group. She's been very friendly with me in the past, perhaps because her son is gay and she understands the challenges we in the LGBT community face. After we talked for some time, i walked over to where several other people were sitting, including Bobbi who was one of the first people i came out to three years ago. She's always been supportive. Bobbi and i talked for awhile but after i mentioned ladies interclub, she said something that triggered me. Now, i've been very thankful to have been part of the league, partially because i enjoy the competition, but also because i was missing ladies interclub because none of the women would play with me. Out of the blue, Bobbi said that she doesn't think I should be allowed to play ladies interclub. Of course, the inference was that because i'm trans, because i'm really a man, that i have an unfair advantage. I'm not a woman in her eyes. I can only extrapolate that my participation in the Mixed Doubles league should also be disallowed. These thoughts began the cascade that only got worse during the week.

Monday night we played our last match against the first place team which was undefeated (our record going in was 11-1). If we won, we'd own first place due to the tie breaker. A loss would guarantee us second place and a "bye" in the first round of the playoffs. it was a tough, three-hour match that we could have/should have won. Our loss is my fault though. I hate playing at night because it's harder for me to see the ball, ,especially with the lighting at our club, so my play was substandard compared to our other matches. that loss brought me down for a day.

On a side note, playoffs began yesterday with the Round of 16 (for which we had a bye) and the quarter finals. Our quarter final match was a grind, lasting three hours. My partner and i played poorly in the first set, surprised at the quality of play by the female who was subbing for the woman who normally plays. Despite this, we never gave up. For myself, i didn't want this journey to end because being part of the league has meant so much to me. We fought back the final two hours and despite many tough, long points, we won. The semi-finals and finals are scheduled for next Sunday. Regardless how we do, i'm still proud to have been part of this league. it's not brought me any respect from the women here, and perhaps that's one reason i've decided to move on.

Wednesday brought triggers from two sources. Ladies Interclub began that day and while three subs played for the team, i know i'll never be asked to help. Their captain knows i'm willing to sub, but i'm not one of the four people they've added to their team web site as possible subs. Am i bad person? Is my game weak? No. I'm an "other" to them. No women or men have asked me to play this year. No women, nor men asked to partner with me for interclub or the mixed league. Are my Mixed Doubles wins illegitimate because i'm not a woman in their eyes? These reminders pushed me over the edge and my depression began in full force. Making things a bit worse is that for the first time, i couldn't assemble a simple foursome for my Saturday group. Numbers began dwindling after the league began and i can only hope that some will return next week. Still, i'm reminded that despite my inviting a large group of men and women each week to my Saturday group, none of them have ever invited me to play. These past three months, this league kept me going, as i hoped others would recognize that my play has improved. With it ending, i return to my Saturday group and my friend's evening group as my only outlet.

Clearly, my experiment to stay in my city and club has failed. I've not gained any new friends, nor invited to play with anyone. To continue hoping that conditions change is only insanity.
During my Should I Stay phase, my escape from this city would be to a more liberal city an hour north. that city has a large, very successful tennis club with an active program. My other options for new tennis clubs would only end with the same results. My city has a country club with a tennis program. While expensive to join, the women there are more wealthy and hence more snobby about who participates. Some of my bullies play there. Thirty minutes north is another tennis club, also part of Interleague, but several bullies also play there (and they're part of the Interleague board that ignored my bullying). My best choice, if i hope to make a fresh start, someplace where they might clock me, yet never know about the old me, is in the city i investigated two years ago.

For now, my plans are join that club as a new experiment. I'll need to drive there to play and while that's an inconvenience, i'll never know if it's a better environment until I try. I'm still a member of my local club, so i'll continue with my Saturday group, as well as social tournaments the club. When the Mixed Doubles league restarts next spring, i hope to participate as well. I love to play partially because it's great exercise but also because i enjoy being around other players. I no longer hope for their acceptance though so i won't be encumbered by concern for their rejection. We'll see what happens next. 

Thank you for your advice. You know i always appreciate it. I DO love myself now and while i have evolved in the past year be a better person on the court, you're telling me that's not enough, that my behavior on the court still isn't acceptable. yes, i know i'm still verbal, but my attitude is quite different now. There are parts of my personality i'm not willing to discard and if that's why i'll never be respected, then that's too bad. i know i've done my best and have treated everyone nicely. i know i'm a good person and if others can't see that, that is there loss. I've no doubt that many at Brenda feel the same way Bobbi does about my playing as a woman. That attitude will never change.
My staying in Modesto was an experiment. I wrote extensively two years ago about whether i should stay or go, whether i should begin life full-time in a new city where people wouldn't have access to who i used to be or if i should stay in Modesto and see if i could fit in. Certainly, this experiment has been a failure and like my last marriage where i stayed too long, hoping for different results, it's time to move on.

I'm going to join Laguna Creek and spend the next several months figuring out if i fit in there. I still plan to organize my Saturday group and participate in Brenda's socials (as well as the ladies' play days). If the Mixed Doubles league begins next spring, i'll play if Ashish will have me, but i'm done waiting for people to come around. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result.

Laura

@LauraE
Dear Laura:
I am so very much enjoying reading your "previously lost" and past postings
that you are able to dig up and re-post on your current Blog thread.,...  I have very
fond memories of our conversations and posting exchanges.

Please keep the updates coming.

Many HUGS and my best wishes to you.
Danielle  [Northern Star Girl]

Thank you, @Danielle. I was fortunate that I'd drafted all my writings off line, but even if everything was lost, what I've gained the past seven years outweighs the loss.

Having you here as a mentor and cheerleader has been so helpful.

Laura

Mid-September, 2022

<coda: this was a response to a comment Danielle made to the previous posts back in 2022)

Thank you for your support and encouragement, @Danielle. This has been a tough week interrupted by wonderful play with my doubles partner. Nora, Person One, isn't happy with me at the moment. Earlier in the week, she told me I was having a "pity party", but even after i shared a long explanation of how the week devolved into depression, things didn't get better for us. She thinks i'm not trying hard enough to be a better person on the court, but i disagree. I've evolved quite a bit during the past year, but there are aspects of my personality i'm not willing to discard so easily. I'm just tired of waiting for people to come around. I believe many, if not most of the women at the club feel i shouldn't be allowed to play, echoing Bobbi's comment to me last Sunday. Somehow, i'm ruining women's sports by participating. Their attitude will never change, and i'm tired of pretending their smiles count as acceptance or friendship. It doesn't.

I don't know how whether my next experiment will be successful, but given that this new club is larger and has many more tennis events, i'm hoping there are places i can fit in. I'm giving this five months before i reevaluate.

Again, i'm glad you're there.

Laura

September 23, 2022

This is an exciting time. On sunday, my mixed doubles partner and i will play in the semi-finals of the season ending tournament, after surviving a three-hour grinder last weekend. However, this league has been just a respite from the rejection i've faced at my tennis club. As i shared last time, i've surrendered and decided to join another club in hopes of fitting in there. This is the story about you don't always get what you hope for.

No Escape
Today I drove an hour north to the city i had nearly moved to two years ago to begin my life as Laura. it's a medium sized, liberal city with a fairly large tennis club holding 20 tennis courts compared to the 11 at my old club. it's an impressive complex with most of the same facilities you'd see at clubs, just nicer. Given that the club is larger and has more tennis events, my hope is that once i've been around a few months, i can find a group of people to play with and find a team to belong to, all while being Laura in an environment where no one knows who i used to be.

Oh, how wrong i was.

After going through the formalities of signing up for membership, i grabbed my tennis gear and my basket of tennis balls to practice my serve. I first made my way onto shaded area that oversees the teaching courts. In progress were two group lessons, one led by Mark, the club pro, who also used to be the pro at my old club. I'm hoping he can provide some guidance during my stay here. Our eyes briefly met and and we waved to each other. He never met Laura until today, but despite having FFS and three years of HRT, the resemblance to <deadname> is easy when you used to know <deadname>.

I moved a few courts over to the court i'd reserved and set up for practice. As i was looking around, i noticed a woman (and she noticed me) who looked like someone from my old club. I was a bit puzzled what she was doing playing here, since she's on the ladies interclub team at my old club. Later i discovered she's also on the ladies team at this new club. Now, the surprise is that she's one of my bullies, someone who <deadnamed> me during the last social at my old club. I have no doubt that she'll be a problem for me at the new club, since she knows who i used to be and how i was bullied last year. I also assume she'll be problematic here.

I'm committed to this new club and i plan to make the one-hour drive several times a week to beging participating in socials, drop-in tennis and clinics. We'll see what happens next.

<coda: While I thought this was a great idea. It wasn't. I never was able to connect with people at the new club, and the opportunities to socialize with others was too limited to make a difference. As Dorothy once said, "there's no place like home.>

Onward,

Laura

September 25, 202

Just a short story about an amazing weekend of tennis with a wonderful surprise thrown in for good measure.

No One is More Surprised Than Me
It's been a busy weekend of tennis. Saturday is my doubles group where 12 people joined me for four sets of tennis. I probably shouldn't have played because Sunday's matches proved to be a grind. My partner and i arrived early to warm up before our semi-finals match in the season ending tournament. it was a tough, two-hour match where we squeaked by in the first set and then pounced on the other team in the second set for the win. I really enjoyed playing this married couple, maybe because the woman was on my team last year in ladies interclub. By the time we finished, the weather was getting hotter as the forecast called for a high of 95F. Off we were to the finals, playing against the best team in the division.

Because this match would decide the first place team, our match was moved to Court One, which is next to the shaded area where the other 20-30 players were seated to watch the match. To be honest, I would have been happy to not have anyone watch because this crowd tends toward the noisy before and during our points. And, yes, this threw me off at times. Still, though three tough sets, my partner and i pulled out a win for the championship.

No one was more surprise than me. This league has been a wonderful experience and the opportunity to play so many different teams (many of them married couples). I was completely spent as we walked off the courts.

The biggest surprise, though, happened during the off time between our matches. While talking to a few people, Yeng came up to me and began talking. If you've followed our drama from last spring, you'll know how destroyed i felt after she got mad at me and ended our friendship, so i was a bit shocked, but not disappointed, how friendly she was. We had a wonderful conversation, so perhaps things can improve between us. I do hope so.
(https://i.imgur.com/2vfScCq.jpg). 
(https://i.imgur.com/vABBYCK.jpg).
(https://i.imgur.com/py7vzmM.jpg)

Laura

October 11, 2022

Thank you @SarahC, @Davina, and @ImAllie for you comments, and, of course, @Danielle, for your encouragement.

HRT Third Anniversary
On October 7th, i celebrated my third year anniversary of restarting HRT, or as my footer says, re-re-restarting, because October 7, 2019 wasn't my first day on HRT. It was instead, at least the sixth time starting HRT since coming out to myself six years ago. What made it stick this final time was the support i felt from my best friend, Person One, Nora. I had only come out to her a few months back and it would be another year before i told anyone else, but her support gave me confidence to commit to transitioning.

At three years, i can tell you that HRT's effects topped out before the one year mark and i've seen no breast growth since them (Hence the BA last November). Still, the three patches i apply each week, hoping they'll last seven days, are the lifeblood of my transition. My skin is a bit softer, as are my emotions. i'm a kinder gentler person now, something i wish the Mean Girls would appreciate. There is a slight decrease in body hair growth, but i still end up shaving my arms and legs at least once a week, something that seems like a chore rather that a joy. Oh, the maintenance women have to undergo. LOL.
As for my patches, it's a good week they they last seven days. Because i play tennis and sweat a fair amount, it's not uncommon for the patches to lift up after four days. it's even more common that i have to peel them off  early because they irritate my skin so much. Such is the translife. You do what you have to because this is the journey we chose. Transitioning's first step is coming out to yourself, but the thousand mile journey requires untold steps and patience. Three years in, i have at least two years before i feel Laura is fully formed.

You see, transition is both physical and social/emotional and each has a pathway and tasks to accomplish. yes, FFS and BA are complete, but despite 20 months of electrolysis, i know i have between 18 and 24 months to go before it's finished. then comes the decision about GCS which could take two more years. Why not do both concurrently?  Easy answer. I drive into the Bay Area for facial electrolysis so my Tuesdays are completely consumed with this task. I've considered back to back appointments with the first two being facial and the last two being genital, but to be honest, laying down for two hours being pricked by a needle is enough. Four hours would be too much. Spending another day of the week to drive our for bottom electrolysis is out of the question. i'm not in a hurry because my social emotional development is equally important.

Onward,

Laura

October 3, 2022

My emotions have been dipping the past week, a result of both my disappointment in the new club i joined and my continued status as an outcast at my present club.

Between July and September, i was part of the club's Mixed Doubles League, something i've written about previously. I think what i appreciated the most was not winning but belonging. I loved being part of a team, playing competitive matches against both friends and members i'd not met before. It wasn't the winning that lifted me those three months. It was the fact that i belonged to something. I had so  missed being part of the Ladies Interclub team that these three months filled a void and kept me from thinking too deeply about being excluded. Now that the league is over, i'm back to scavinging for playing time. Now, i only have my Saturday group and my friend's Monday and wednesday night groups. I'm not a big fan of playing at night, but when that's all you have, that's what you take. Still, i so wish women would want me to play with them. I did volunteer to subsitute on this years Interclub team, but doubt anyone will ever ask. Yeng, who recently reconnected with me, has substituted three times in the first four matches. My phone remains silent.

Which is why i joined a new club, an hour's drive north from my home. My current prospects there look dismal.

Laura

October 12, 2022

When I start feeling down because "Well, we're transitioning, aren't we?", it's always nice to reflect on the successes I've had on this roller coaster of a transition journey. Today's story is about my BFF and how we celebrated her 43rd birthday. Yes, this post is long.

Laura's Amazing SLO Weekend

SLO is Californian for San Luis Obispo, one of the many towns on highway 101 which runs through the state, mostly close to the Pacific Coast.  SLO is also a college town, hosting Cal Polytechnic University (Cal Poly).

"I want to fly to San Luis Obispo."

That was Nora (Person O early last June, thinking about the next flying trip she'd like to take with me. I've been fortunate, not just that Nora has been my best friend and feminine tutor, but also that she enjoys flying with me. Just one of those would have made me happy. I'd taken her on just two flights the past few years; A Bay Tour where we spent a few hours flying around the SF Bay Area and the Golden Gate Bridge, and in late spring a one-hour flight to Half Moon Bay for lunch next to the ocean. This time her reasoning was that she wanted to get away from it all and have some girl time to herself.

Over the next few months, we'd chat a bit about what she'd like to do during the weekend, mostly centered around a mountain-top winery she visited with her husband pre-covid. That wine tasting visit would be one of the center pieces of our weekend. Over time, we fleshed out a few big things we'd like to do, leaving lots of time to wing it. While her birthday is in late September, i set this past weekend for our trip, with me picking up the tab as her birthday gift.

It was well worth it. This trip was a gift to her as a small token for all that's she's done for me, but in reality, our weekend vacation was another opportunity for Laura to continue evolving. Our visit would touch on San Luis Obispo, Paso Robles (about 30 minutes north), and Pismo Beach (about 20 minutes to the south). We shopped everywhere we stopped and purchased more that a few things, having some of them shipped to us for reasons i'll explain.

Flight planning usually begins a week before take-off, setting our course and altitude, looking at any restricted areas that often pop up, and checking the weather forecast for the weekend. My little plane is VFR (visual flight rules), so i can't fly into the clouds. I have to maintain visibility with the ground. This isn't often a factor, but it can be with trips to the coast in California. The direct flight to SLO would take just short of two hours, while driving would consume four. Early forecasts predicted sunny weather both days, but as Saturday approached, an early morning fog was expected at SLO, but predicted to burn off by the time we were to land. Of course, weather forecasts are often wrong, so i wasn't surprised when i woke up Saturday morning to discover that fog wouldn't lift until 10 or 11am, spoiling the start of our trip.

I punted, choosing instead to fly first to Paso Robles which is just north of SLO and would be an 18 minute flight away. That way we could continue to take off early (7am ish) and arrive in SLO during the morning. The trip to Paso Robles would take less than 90 minutes. Better was that there is an on field cafe where we could eat breakfast and wait for the fog to burn off.

Now, i have a little, two-person plane that only flies about 100 MPH and was designed to hold two, 170 pound passengers and just 29 pounds of luggage. Overweight planes don't fly well, taking longer to take off and climb to altitude. Worse, they can be very difficult to control if the weight is distributed unequally. So, both of us weighed our back-packs beforehand so i'd know we'd be under the weight limit. This restriction would also be a factor in the shopping we'd do.

Picking up Nora at 6:30am, we drove to the airport just as dawn was beginning and 20 minutes before sunrise. I performed the pre-flight inspection, carefully packed the plane, and waited for the fuel truck to arrive to top off the tanks. We finally departed at 7:45am and landed at Paso Robles around 9:15. The airport cafe was packed, so we had to wait a few minutes for a table, but the food was worth it. By the time we finished, the fog at SLO had dissipated, so i paid our bill and we took off for the quick, 18 minute flight to our weekend home base.

The airport at SLO is mid-size with a control tower and regular commercial service. A variety of jets landed both before us and after us. After landing, we taxied over the the jet center to park, and walked over the rental car counter at the terminal to get our car. Then the fun began with our first stop, Tennis Warehouse where we both purchased shoes. This is when reality hit that our shopping could put us over the weight limit. Shoes aren't heavy but combined with other purchases could pose a problem. Part. of the solution would be to put less fuel into the plane before departure, which is possible because our trip home didn't require full tanks.

The first of two major activities Saturday was wine tasting at the mountain top tasting room at Daou Vinyards (https://daouvineyards.com/) , west of Paso Robles. For 2 1/2 hours, we sampled a variety of wine, shared some delicious food, chatted, and took dozens of pictures. We also decided to purchase several bottles of wine, having them shipped home. Now, we both have iPhones, but because mine is the current model, every time we'd stop, Nora would take my phone to AirDrop the pictures i'd taken to her phone. These memories would be fodder for our FaceBook posts. I had planned for us to drive back to SLO  afterwards to check into our hotel before our evening activity, but we spent so much time (and money) at the vineyard, we decided to do a little shopping before our evening activity.
Which was an awe inspiring art installation next to the Paso Robles airport. Created as temporary artwork three years ago, it proved so popular that it's now permanent with the creators currently expanding the art installation and constructing new buildings on site. The  Sensorio Field of Lights (https://sensoriopaso.com/) was a beautiful closing activity for our first day, one i'd encourage you to experience if you're ever in our neck of the woods. (Yes, i've included. few pictures below.)

We finally arrived at our hotel after 9pm and fell asleep shortly afterwards, exhausted but thrilled by the day's events.

Sunday was mostly a free flowing day with our primary destination being Pismo Beach which is about a 20 minute drive south from SLO. We had a ball exploring, eating, and shopping which continued until we arrived back at the airport around 3:30pm. Now, i don't fly at night and with sunset being around 6:30pm, we'd need to take off by 4:30pm for the two hour flight home. We dropped off our car at the terminal and asked the jet center to call their fuel truck so we could refuel before take off. More than 30 minutes later, we were still waiting and time was becoming precious. the center has very high ratings and while staff was friendly, my little plane didn't seem to be a priority. Finally, i made the call to taxi to the other side of the airport to the self-serve AVgas. Afterwards, we called the tower for instructions and got in line behind one jet and one very large cargo plane awaiting take-off. That was fun.

We had a great flight home, arriving just as the sun was setting and getting backto our homes around 7pm. In all, the best birthday gift i could find for NOra, one she loved and i enjoyed immensely. Below are just a few pictures.

(https://i.imgur.com/B5BLsaD.jpg) | (https://i.imgur.com/kQ6X7OT.jpg) | (https://i.imgur.com/OfjxQJO.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/DWtuGTG.jpg) | (https://i.imgur.com/EL8Ecds.jpg) | (https://i.imgur.com/YoTk5Lf.jpg)

Onward,

Laura

November 3, 2022

Thanksgiving is on the horizon. When i had family, we'd travel to the Bay Area to spend the day with my family for both feast and drama, which nearly always ensued. Since my divorce, i've spent Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. However, traditions are important so i've always made a complete Thanksgiving dinner for myself as a reminder.

This morning, my tennis coach asked about my Thanksgiving plans, and after I shared, he invited me to his home for the feast. Evidently, his entire family are strong tennis players, who begin Thanksgiving morning playing tennis, with the losers having to wash dishes that night. It sounds lovely and tempting. Of course, i don't do pity and while i felt today's invitation is sincere, I can't feel confident about attending, I'll withhold a decision until next week,, so see if he persists.

Sometimes

Sometimes i don't care about the haters, those who reject me because i'm trans.
Sometimes, i wish the people caught in the middle would reach out and play with me.

Sometimes i see Laura in pictures taken of me.
Sometimes, i feel like everyone clocks me.

Sometimes I forget i'm an outcast at my tennis club and that no women will ask me to play with them, or sub for them on the team. Sometimes i tire of this rejection.

Sometimes, well every day, someone will stop, turn and stare at me.

Laura

November 27, 2022

My apologies for not posting, but life has been busy, in a good way, so while i've been writing in my head, i'm finally getting around to providing an update.


Two Years FT: Evolution & Reinvention

Yesterday, I celebrated two years living full time as Laura and no one is more surprised than I am. It's been an "interesting" two years, with year one feeling more like junior high where you learn people can be cruel and the second year being more like "Screw 'em. I don't need the Mean Girls to be happy. There's plenty to be thankful for and it's time to focus on what makes me happy."

First, though, an update.

Part of my evolution can be traced back to my trip to Hawaii last June, when i tested the waters, asking myself if i could feel comfortable traveling alone and whether i could feel happy being Laura, a transwoman, at a distant location. The results, as shared here, were that i was ready to move on and continue evolving. That simple realization, that some people will never accept me but that it's just as easy to cultivate new friends who do was the fire starter that motivated me to grow as Laura.

I returned from Hawaii determined to express myself and to continue reaching out to possible new friends. Now determined to redecorate my family room (the room i spend most of my time), I decided to move the Chinese furniture and paintings to my vacant living room. My new room theme would be tied to the Hawaiian artist, Pegge Hopper and her paintings, which i'd fallen in love with in the 80s and 90s. It would be a tropical room reminding me of my fond feelings for the islands.

Now, as i may have mentioned before, my first wife was from Hawaii, so i'd already traveled there frequently. Perhaps more importantly, my grandparents, including my namesake, worked in Hilo from 1922 until 1928 with my father being born there in 1925. Hilo continues to be my favorite place to visit.

After purchasing six Hopper prints, some framed in Koa wood, i contacted a Big Island wood worker who built a Koa coffee table for me, it arriving in early September. Most of the Hopper pictures are already on the walls, with two still at the frame shop (he's in demand). My furniture would be rattan with a floral print, popular in the islands, so after much research, i placed my order in early July. Initial delivery was predicted to be December, but until a few weeks ago, i'd been informed that February was a more likely date. It was a pleasant surprise when they all arrived two weeks ago. They would stay in my garage, though, because last week  i had my carpets replaced, feeling that i might as well start fresh.

All of the furniture is in its proper place, Christmas lights are on the outside, the Christmas trees are in place (I bought two artificial trees after buying "live" trees all my life), Christmas music is playing, and the cats are napping near me. I still have much decorating to do, but the deliveries from Amazon with Hawaiian decorations continue to arrive. I still need to clean the entire first floor but all things in due time.

Laura's Crab and Conversation with Friends
Last December, i hosted a crab dinner for some of my friends, including Yeng and Nora (Person One), and because i continue being unlike <deadname>, i thought a second annual crab feed was called for. This time, though, I asked Nora to help me plan the party. As before, i'd supply the food and drink, but now i'd have a new set of friends to invite, several who are new to me this year. After drafting the party details, Nora helped create an invitation graphic that i'd text to the invitees. Of the initial invite list, two would be out of town, but because i have more friends now than last year, i reached out to others who said yes. In all, i've limited this party to six which is what my dining table can handle. Am i ready for a larger party? I'm getting there. Hosting parties still feels new to me, but i hope to in the future when i have more friends. Nora suggested we do a White Elephant gift exchange, something that's new to me, but we'll figure that out soon.

On Thanksgiving, my friend Dai texted wishing me a happy Thanksgiving. Now, Dai was on my Interclub team last season and was both a mentor and staunch defender of my transition. She paid a price though and chose to leave our club and join the country club in our city. This Interclub season she's playing there. As we texted back and forth, I learned she's unhappy with her partner who is neither friendly nor energetic about playing well. As a result, they're losing most of their matches. On a whim, I told her i'd gladly join the country club (which is quite expensive) for the chance to be her partner next season. After some back and forth, she shared that my presence there would cause a riot. Apparently, there are more trans haters there than at my club (and that's saying something.) So, i guess i'm an outcast at multiple clubs. Quite an accomplishment.

As i've shared here, i told Dai that the mean girls can't affect me anymore because my happiness is no longer tied to their acceptance. I'm happier and more confident now and, as a result, I've made more friends along the way. The mean girls will never change, but i have and i'm happy for it. I do hope to play competitively again though.

My evolution continues now into year three. I'm looking forward to more adventures and new friendships.

Onward,

Laura

December 11, 2022

Friendsgiving, aka Laura's Crab and Conversation with Friends

Last night i hosted five friends, some new this year, for crab, ravioli, minestrone soup and more. It had been a hectic week that i'd fortunately planned out, finishing up my house cleaning and making several dishes in advance for the big day. I felt good though. My redecorated house was complete and reflected who i am, and i looked forward to hosting a party.

Saturday, a major storm rolled through our area, flooding parts of many streets, including mine. Still, everyone arrived on time, and enjoyed an hour of hors D'oeuvres and wine before we began dinner. Oh, there was too much food, enough for a party twice our size, but i'm fine with that. For me, hosting people still feels new. <Deadname> never invited people over, but as Laura evolves, she's continuing to learn how to be her best woman. Nora and i have talked a few times that as i gain more new friends, i'm ready for something bigger.

Nora's idea to have a white elephant gift exchange was brilliant. Retiring to my family room after dinner, i was pleased with the scope and depth of the conversations that ensued, me learning new things about several of my friends as we all opened up. The Gift exchange was a riot, in the best of ways, serving as a bit of crazy entertainment for the evening.

Nancy, a retired judge, in a small aside with me, shared how different i am now that before. She, like most people at the club, knew <deadname> and apparently some people didn't like him. Laura, by contrast, is a very different person, and Nancy wanted me to know that. I feel that too. I continue to grow into the woman i want to be. I've always said that transition is a 1000 mile journey and making slow, steady progress helps get us to the end. Transitioning can't be completed quickly, just as a planted seed doesn't grow into a full tree over night. Keep watering and seeking sunshine and you'll get there in time.

Onward.

Laura

January 2, 2023

I have stories for you, but first a few comments.

I haven't been logging in often, partially because i'm just trying to live my life, but also because i like to have something substantial to say before i journal. I've always been a writer, and having Susan's as a place to publish has meant much to me. My journals are my way of chronicling my transition and processing not just how recent events have affected my transition but also how i've been evolving as Laura. 

I've always hoped that my trans sisters would see how my life has evolved since i came out to myself 6 ½ years ago, because too many transwomen expect instant results, or have difficulty seeing through the fog of their early transition. Becoming your true self is a journey, one that can't be rushed. Oh, sure you can rush your physical transition, getting all your surgeries and electrolysis taken care of in a year's time. However, becoming a woman is more than acquiring physical attributes. The social and emotional evolution takes longer. Much longer.

Thank you also, @Danielle, although i'd disagree with your comment that i've arrived.  For me, "arrival" is reserved for a time near the end of my transition, which is a few years away. That's the destination where i'll feel i've fully evolved, metamorphized into my womanhood. I would say, though, that sometime last spring, i passed a tipping point, one where i stopped letting the haters reside in my head and decided instead to live my life fully, to seek out new adventures, and focus on both the gifts i've been given or earned as well as the new friends i'm finding. It was a sweet thought though. Tipping points are important because they indicate that a new phase has begun, one where we leave behind the fodder of our early transitional struggles and look forward to the final phases of our evolution.

But, i digress. I have stories.

Baking
I was never a cook, at least not one who could easily rifle through a cookbook and churn out daily meals. What I discovered after Laura appeared, was that i enjoyed finding and experimenting with recipes i discovered online, saving those that i'd want to cook at various times of the year. For me, the holidays are all about making minestrone soup and baking Christmas cookies. The two i made in abundance this season were a thumbprint cookie (with jam filling) and snowball cookies, also called Russian Tea Cookies.

I'd already baked several dozen for my dinner with friends, but now the volume baking would begin as we counted down to Christmas with destinations being my tennis group, the Women's Book Club, and my neighbors.

Up until now, i'd done all my ingredient mixing with a small hand mixer, finishing the butter/flour combining by hand. Because i'd always begin baking by making double batches, this preparation had become cumbersome so I finally broke down and bought a KitchenAide 4.5, a classic machine that will last long after my death. Now, i could easily and quickly make double batches and get them baking.

The weekend after my Friendsgiving party held two cookie give aways: my tennis group, which recently had grown to 16 and the Women's Book Club, which meets for lunch immediately after tennis.

I'd missed the previous two book club meetings, since club tennis socials were held the same Saturday's in October and November, so reuniting with them was a joy. At the Christmas meeting, not only would we discuss December's book selection, but we'd also share cookies and exchange books at a white elephant event.

Many book club members had already arrived by the time i entered our private room at the restaurant, so i settled down in a chair and scouted the room, finding Donna chatting with friends at the far end of the room. If you remember from last summer, Donna is an elected official in my town with a FB friend list quadruple mine. After we met for drinks last summer, spending three hours sharing our stories, i'd learned that she has a larger outer ring of friends and a very small inner ring, of which she was inviting me to enter. Scouting her friend list, i discovered many common acquaintances, mostly from my work life as well as a real estate agent who'd worked both with <deadname> and with Laura two years ago when i sold my condo. About a month ago, Donna had taken her to the same bar for drinks and when Donna name dropped me, the agent immediately shared that she knew me too. Now, the agent is a wonderful woman i'd gladly work with again, so when she texted me the following day, we ended up having a nice conversation.

I made my way down to the corner to hug Donna, commenting on her European vacation she'd just returned from and reminding her of our common acquaintance. A while later, she came up to me, suggesting we go out drinking again, adding one or two of her other friends. Of course, i agreed. I do love these meetings, partially because they're completely different from my other experiences and partially because i'm enjoying getting to know the other women.

It was now one week until Christmas and i'd begin baking for my neighbors. Nora, my BFF, asked if i would teach her how to make them, so i printed out the two recipes and invited her over. In all, we baked around 10 dozen cookies as i showed her how to make both the snowball and thumbprint cookies. In return, she showed me how women wrap cookies as gifts. She'd given me the task of buying several cookie boxes with her bringing over a gigantic tub of wrapping paper and ribbon. In all, she wrapped four boxes for her friends. Afterwards, i placed the remainder of the cookies in the cool oven to keep them away from my curious cats. I still had several batches of dough in the refrigerator i'd bake the following day, after i'd shopped for more boxes as well as my own stash of ribbon and box to store them in.

All was good.

So, the next morning, i turned on the oven, getting the dough and butter out of the frig to make the final few cookie batches for my friends and neighbors. By the time the oven had preheated, my day had turned sideways. Yes, i'd forgotten that l'd left several dozen cookies in two plastic containers in the oven and now they were melted on the oven floor. The remainder of the day was spent airing out the house (and it was cold outside), cleaning out the melted plastic, and performing an oven self-clean. Cookie baking would wait until the following morning. Fortunately, i had enough dough to make gift boxes for my neighbors. And yes, i'd so glad Nora taught me this aspect of womanhood i'd not learned before. She really has been my mentor in so many ways.

It's been a rainy December here in Northern California, so I had to cancel three Saturday tennis groups at the last minute due to rain but given the long drought we've had, our snowpack needs it more than i need tennis. And so it goes. It's 2023 now, but i have to admit, 2022 was one of the best years of my life.

Onward,

Laura

January 14, 2002

Well, it's another rainout for my Saturday doubles group. The past few months i've found several new people while attending Sid's Monday night tennis and several people came and asked to participate. This was a pleasant surprise. From the beginning, i've only invited people i felt were nice, that i might be able to trust, and that enjoy playing our format of tennis. I'm still widely shunned by the women at my club and at other clubs in the area, but i've accumulated a nice group of people to play with.

And now, another story.


Tea Time

"You're such a girl", Nora said to me as we were talking on the phone. We talk frequently and it's not unusual for us to talk for an extended amount of time. I really am thankful to have a BFF who also has been a frequent catalyst in my evolution.

"You're such a girl. Even your FaceBook posts are girly" she concluded. Now, i've not given much thought to the different ways i've evolved, partially because i know i have years before i'm complete and partially because i continue to have trouble seeing Laura in the mirror. I've written about this many times, so i won't dwell, but I wonder whether the primary problem is that i'm simply not passable or if the greater problem is my mental image, having spent 6+ decades as <deadname> that I can't not see him instead of Laura.

After my second annual Friendsgiving crab dinner i threw in December, I knew i was feeling comfortable throwing parties, although this was a new feeling. I've never been a party person, rarely attending or holding one. Such is the life of an introvert. I'm still a shy introvert, but i've realized how much fun i have both preparing for and holding an event for my friends.

With this mind, Nora told me, "You should have a tea party." "What", i replied, "I've never even attended one. I have no clue about tea parties, but i'm in." With this, Nora introduced me to the world of tea parties including ideas about all the food that can be served and the suggestion, "Check out Pinterest."

I did and i was sooo ready to try. With Nora's ideas in mind, i found a number of recipes i'd like to try and downloaded them. I'm excited to experiment making them in the next few days to see if they taste as great as they look. Laura's first tea time will happen in late March or April.

I'm such a girl.

Laura

January 15, 2023

Why I've Not Posted Trans News

Transitioning, particularly in the beginning, isn't easy. Just taking that first step of your thousand mile journey requires bravery, but then reality slowly reveals itself. Fear, uncertainty, dysphoria and more are common early on, but the real challenge begins when you begin living your new life full-time.

It's not all negative. I was lucky to have both a best friend who had my back and cheered me on, as well as a safe space, Susan's, to share my journey, my challenges, and my successes. I've been particularly happy the past year for one main reason; I chose to begin ignoring the hate directed towards me and my tribe, both by the women at my tennis club and in the red states who had begun ramping up anti-trans legislation. By deciding to stop caring and not letting haters rent room in my head, i found a peace that allowed me to begin living my life in full. 2022 was a wonderful, happy year.

I'd begun posting news at Susan's some time ago with encouragement from Danielle and i took my job seriously. Of course, anyone with a phone or browser could find the same stories, but i felt more involved by doing so. I have many sources, including an automatic Google search that emails me daily about trans news, but other sources like the Human Rights Campaign also track stories about us.

My first year full time, which began 26 months ago, was somewhat bi-polar, consisting of both extreme highs and horrible lows that often sent me into deep depression. All these "falling into the rabbit hole" periods were instigated by the hate i faced locally. \

Reading and posting trans news didn't help. During the past few years, I've seen an increasing number of anti-trans legislation in red states around the nation. Beginning with so called "bathroom bills", the majority of the news i posted reminded me that our tribe isn't safe, that even in progressive California where i live, many people believe we shouldn't exist, nor have the same rights as others. The growing number of hate crimes and anti-trans legislation built on my own challenges, easing me into another "rabbit hole."

So I stopped. I only began feeling happier and left depression behind when i stopped caring about the haters. I'll never change them. Nor do i have any power to stop all the creative ways our haters continue to find and use against us.

Since then, the news has gotten worse with anti sports legislation and now laws that forbid our younger sisters from receiving any care or medical treatment. "Religious freedom" is now used a  a device to deny us our rights for simple things like hearing our chosen names and pronouns. I'd hate to be a trans teenager in a red state now.

And yet, I know i should do more, so i plan to begin posting news again, starting out slowly to see how it affects me.

Onward,

Laura

January 28, 2023

I've been down a bit the past few days. Not "rabbit hole" down, but at times like this, i feel less hopeful and more lonely. There are many reasons for this hopefully brief interlude: every day brings more news about laws being submitted or passed in red states against us from banning any gender affirming care to minors to banning care for those under the age of 26; with all the rains we've had, i've played much less tennis (sometimes just once a week) and my game has suffered. It's sunnier now, but for a time, it was depressing to see my game affected, even though i knew what mistakes i was making; and I continue to be saddened that i'm effectively blacklisted by women at the club, never being asked to play, nor asked to substitute for their team. Sometimes i'm just thankful my cats are here to make me laugh and feel a bit loved.

I have one major story and several updates.

Tea Party
When Nora suggested i hold a tea party this spring, i instantly accepted and began searching for both decorations and recipes. New spring wreaths are on the doors and the house is slowly filling with spring decorations. Last Sunday, Nora came over to watch the 49ers game with me which gave me opening to have here try my cucumber sandwiches as well as shrimp canapes. Both were delicious so i'll be keeping those recipes.

Saturday Doubles
Over the past four months, i've added a number of new people to my i invite list, some that i scouted in Sid's Monday night group and some that were recommended to me.Included in this group are several women and while they all have careers and hence are unavailable to partner with me for Women's League, they're a wonderful addition. Perhaps what i appreciate more is that they're genuinely nice people who never knew <deadname>, although clearly i don't pass.

Happily, i'm having no trouble filling out each week's doubles group and our size has grown from 12 to 16 people, the maximum on the public courts we play on. Even better, i'm filling out all 16 positions within an hour of my invitations going out. At least Saturday doubles is going well. Now, if only some of those people would invite me to play with them on other days.

Another League
I joined a new tennis club in September in hopes of playing more often there, but i'm finding it's nearly impossible to meet people there. After scouting to see which teams were being created for the spring season, i texted one of the captains introducing myself and asking if it were possible to try out for their team. Fortunately i received a reply and i'll be playing there next Wednesday. Wish me luck because this is a shot in the dark and perhaps my only hope of playing competitively with women.

Electrolysis Turns Two
Shortly, I'll celebrate (if that's really the word) two years on electrolysis.

For the past two years, my week has had six days with the seventh being totally devoted to needles and pain. I leave in the morning to fight the last of the commuter traffic, arriving an hour before my appointment to give me time to apply the numbing cream. Instructions for the 2.5% Prilocane/2.5% Lidocaine indicate it an take 60 to 90 minutes to achieve full effect so i'd rather be safe. After my two hour appointment, i fight the afternoon commute traffic home, arriving just in time to feed my cats.

I didn't know it would take this long when i started. Somehow, i'd convinced myself we'd be done in a year, something that was quickly dispelled as i learned my punishment would last closer to three years, if not more. Time on the table, like HRT, is YMMV. The younger you are, the more likely you'll need less time. At 71, i've had too many decades for testosterone to do it's damage. Fortunately, i'm not a particularly hairy person and the body hair i do have is fine and sparse.

In the beginning, i'd only need three days of beard growth to achieve an acceptable length. At two years, some areas are requiring four to five days while others require seven days growth, enhancing the time i feel dysphoric. At some point, i'm told i'll just stop shaving because i'll need that much time for hair growth before the next session. I'm both looking forward and regretting that reality.

Still, i see the progress we've made. Things are better now that they were at the beginning.

Onward,

Laura

January 30, 2023

Pros, Cons and Everlasting Doubt

I learned this weekend that one of my FB trans friends, someone i met once six years ago, died recently. We had similarities, being close in age and even after being full-time for many years, still were unpassable. She was happy, though, and had a loving wife who stayed by her side from the beginning. I envied that she was brave and that she had love in her life.

I'd met Stephanie 6 ½ years ago, shortly after i came out to my therapist and after being on HRT for a few weeks. I'd joined Susan's for the first time and decided I might benefit from being in a support group with other transwomen, so one evening i made the trek, terrified my neighbors or anyone else would spot me. It was a brave moment, one I wouldn't repeat for many more years.

In attendance were six or seven other MTFs, all in different phases of their transition. Stephanie sat opposite me at the table and looked comfortable and confident, which pretty much was the opposite of what i was feeling. None of the women were passable, and many, if not most, would probably never be, including Stephanie and I, but we'd all reached a point where transitioning was easier than the dysphoria we'd felt. Still, as the meeting concluded, i knew i'd never return. It was just too depressing seeing myself in these other women,, each a reminder that while we'd all undertaken a most difficult journey, we'd always stand out. We'd always be stared at and excluded. That was just too much burden to carry given the absolute fear i felt the first four years of my transition. My fear may have subsided since then but it's been replaced with an under-the-surface sadness that sometimes pops up to remind me things will never get better, that despite all the surgeries, electrolysis, and other emotional work i've done to progress through this puberty, some people would always see me as a freak, someone to either stare at, gossip about, or  exclude.

Oh, there are positives in my life, so don't think I regret transitioning. I'm a better person now, transitioning having enhanced my positives while minimizing some of my negatives. I'm clearly different and my friends have noticed the changes. Having friends is also a positive.

However, I am lonely so often that without cats in my life, I hesitate to think where my emotions would be. Certainly I have a BFF in Nora and several others i consider friends. <Deadname> had none. He was, though, an active tennis player who was often invited to play with others. Since transitioning, those invitations disappeared and despite organizing a popular Saturday doubles group, no one asks me to play.

 So i sit on the couch for now, watching Netflix and petting one of my cats who naps next to me. Hardly a hermit anymore, I do plan excursions that I take alone; several concerts in May, a trip to Hawaii in June, camping in late June, and an excursion to New York in late August to see the US Open tennis tournament, all of these alone. At least Nora is accompanying me to Indian Wells for their tennis tournament in March. Overall, I'm trying to be active find ways to have fun. Under the surface, though, is a constant sadness that i'll never be accepted.

I trudge on though. There's no going back on this thousand mile journey.

Onward,

Laura

January 31, 2023

I've always used the analogy that i'm on a thousand mile journey that began with my first step, coming out to myself and many of my posts have referenced where I am on that road, how much progress I've made, and how I'm still walking the walk towards my finished evolution.

I've evolved so much the past three and a half years that some parts of me are unrecognizable. My journey certainly would have been easier had i moved north to a more accepting community, so i get why you and others have. I took the risk, though, because of the encouraging signs I found as I was struggling to go full-time, knowing staying would place more obstacles in my path.

Despite these troubles,, I'm glad I stayed. For example, my neighbor across the street, who as one of people who completely accepted Laura from the start, texted me Sunday expressing how much she was enjoying looking out from her house to see the new wreaths on my front door (See my avatar). I shared back that as I've evolved, I've become someone different, someone who loves decorating. It's little comments like these, unsolicited from people who knew <deadname> but recognize I'm different now, are what encourage me that i've made the right decision.

This IS a thousand mile journey. In the beginning, during the three years before I came out to Nora,, I'd often take two steps forward and three steps back. Those truly were very hard years. There are times, however, when something either temporarily stops my progress or takes me on a side excursion. My first year full-time included both large steps forward as well as lengthy side excursions, as i've shared in my posts. This journey could have been a book or even a buddy movie of the trials and tribulations we all face as we find our true selves. I'm glad I stayed regardless of the side excursion I'm on or the ones that will happen before Laura is complete.

I always have hope, which can be both benefit and an curse. (That last statement should probably be a long post by itself.)

So, thank you for being part of my support group, for reading about my evolution, and for your ongoing empathy and encouragement.

Onward,

Laura

February 18, 2021

Spring is here. Well, for me, the unofficial start has arrived. I'm not a big fan of winter, now being more sensitized to the cold. I love the holiday season with all the decorating, but the shorter, colder days don't serve me well. Now, here in the California central valley, the vast almond orchards surrounding our communities have begun to bloom. Soon, my own yard, still with the winter flowers that began blooming in October, will awaken one plant and tree at a time. I do wish spring could last all year. This is a perfect time to fly, so i did some practice maneuvers a few days ago,  I took a friend (see below) on a Bay Tour yesterday, and next weekend, Nora and I are making the one hour flight to Half Moon Bay for lunch and some hiking. More on that later.

I have more news about Nora and tennis, but today's story takes precedence.

Dating

When i began transitioning, I accepted the reality that i'd probably never be in another relationship. I'd spent most of my life partnered, so it's taken some time to get used to living alone and evolving into the woman i am, one who has friends but not lovers. Oh, i'd tried off an on the past few years, but most of the women who approached me on dating sites were instead scammers. Lesbians, my main focus, had little interest in dating a trans, many even saying that in their profiles. Still, i'm stubborn enough to occasionally open a dating app and putting my hook in the water.

So, it was surprising when i heard back from someone after reaching out two weeks ago.

I've begun dating someone we'll call V for now and both of us are taking this slowly, tiptoeing to see if this will work for both of us. Her because while she's had liaisons with other women, she's never explored dating a woman and falling in love with one. Me because while i've always been attracted to women, Laura has never dated and this is a completely new experience for me. V sees me as a woman, so being trans isn't a problem with her.

V lives about 35 minutes from me to getting together hasn't been a problem. Our lives are quite different though. She has nine siblings, three children, and four grandchildren, as well as her own host of friendships. My friendship circle is smaller, but I'm comfortably growing it. So, we each have independent lives and are busy. Complicating things are her large, relatively nosey family which is fairly gossipy and because V has never dated a woman, she's cautious about keeping these beginnings private so we have time to figure things out. She's exploring if she can fall in love with a woman and i'm exploring my first relationship AS a woman.

Our first date was at a Starbucks near her house which turned out to be a 4.5 hour conversation that only ended when workers began closing down. A few days later, we went out to dinner and a movie.She's cautious about keeping this beginning private, so last Friday, she came over to my house for a crab dinner and more conversation, returning yesterday where she flew with me for the first time. I took V on a Bay Tour which basically is a flight into and around the Bay Area including a few cycles around the Golden Gate Bridge. I never bore of these flights i share with friends. After landing, we lunched at a downtown restaurant before returning to my house.

She's shared many stories about her siblings and children, so many that sometimes i feel i need a scorecard to keep track of all the players. After joking about this, she pulled out her phone and began to show me pictures of the various characters in her stories. In turn, i pulled out mine to show some of my pictures, stopping at the beginning of my life full-time two years ago. I was surprised as I realized how different i look now compared to then. I also stopped myself from showing V pictures of my family because they only show <deadname> and i'm feeling dysphoric about revealing who i used to be.

During out third date at my house, I leaned back on V and took our first picture together, later sharing this with Nora who replied that I looked pretty. Nora knows how i feel about my looks, that i continue to have problems seeing Laura in the mirror. Still, I appreciated the compliment.

Things are progressing slowly and smoothly with us. We both are taking out time, realizing that this might evolved into something deeper with time, or that we might just end up being friends. In that sense, I'm more comfortable now than in many relationships from my past. I'll be ok either way.

Intimacy
We're approaching the point where we may be ready to be intimate and, at least for me, this is scary for two reasons, which is why i hope others will comment on this post.

First, while I've always dated women, I've never dated a woman AS a woman and i've never been intimate as a woman. <deadname> knew how things worked in bed and loved both pleasing and being pleased. Laura, though, is still transitioning. If you've followed my story, you know that I've focused my electrolysis on my face these past two years. I'm not repulsed by what's downstairs although i'm not enthusiastic about using it again. Still, because my face is public, that's been my priority and it will be at least another year before I can move over to bottom electyrolysis. (I've covered this before, but currently I devote one day a week for electrolysis, driving out to Bay for my work. I'm not enthusiastic about spending four hours on a table along with the pain that follows. NOw i wonder if that was a mistake.)

Secondly, because i've not had bottom surgery, i'm on the same drugs as the rest of our tribe: estrogen in the form of patches and Spiro to stop testosterone production. I love the effects except for this: Spiro killed my libido and all sensuality associated with my breasts. My only option would be to stop taking Spiro so these sensations return. However, i'm not happy about having my T levels return to <deadname's> levels.

I've shared with V my fear, that i'd like to approach intimacy with her, but that i'm afraid my body will betray me because Spiro keeps me from being turned on.

I'm certain others have had this same problem. I know everything will change once i've had bottom surgery, but that option is at least two years away. Any advice would be appreciated.

Onward,

Laura

March 13, 2023

I have stories including a trip that Nora and i took to Indian Wells last weekend for their yearly tournament. We had a ball and returned home late last night. Today's story is mostly about......

Hate
I'm continuing to have difficulty posting transgender news to Susan's. Oh, I'm still tracking stories around the country, but the race to the bottom to hurt my fellow sisters and brothers is triggering.

We saw it coming, beginning with bathroom ban legislation a few years ago. I can't imagine being forced to use the men's bathroom, so i'd be tempted to call the police, tell them i'm trans and give them the location of the women's bathroom I'm about to use. Please arrest me for trying to live my life.

Last year, the main focus was on "Saving women's sports" from us, as if there are large numbers of trans girls who are dominating women's sports when all we want to is to participate in a sport that we love.

This year, they've come after our medical care and hormones. There has been a race to the bottom to deny us our rights. Red states have been particularly and increasingly cruel to our tribe. None of it makes sense, except when you understand that anger and hate fuel some voters and bullying us, a minority with no lobby, is free from repercussions. Never mind their complete denial of what parents, students, and professional medical and psychiatric organizations have said.

To understand why we are being attacked, one should pay attention to Michael Knowle's speech at CPAC this year where he pronounced, "...for the good of society ... transgenderism must be eradicated from public life entirely"

A particularly cruel response to our testimony came from a red state legislator. After one of our sisters began her story about the need for gender affirming care, the first question she was asked was whether she had a penis.

Really?

And the legislation is getting worse. Not content with attacking our adolescent sisters and brothers, now they're talking about prohibiting care for trans adults.

I'm not affected for now. I have the privilege of living in a blue state, I have excellent medical care, and i have the means to pay for care without insurance. Most of our sisters and brothers are not so fortunate, so each time i read a story about new ways legislators have dreamed up to hurt us, i cringe and turn away. Cruelty and hate seem to be the point and I fear it will be decades before the pendulum swings back.

In the meantime, hate toward us continues to grow and i wonder whether I experienced some of that this weekend at the tennis tournament.

I know i'm not passable, at least to the majority of the population, and I am thankful when someone is surprised to hear that i'm trans. Still, at least once a day, I notice someone turning their head and staring directly at me which is never a comfortable feeling. I've become accustomed to it and while these events dig at my heart a bit, I continue to live an happy live as Laura.

While on our seven hour drive to Indian Wells, we stopped a few times to charge my Tesla. Instead of waiting in the car, we'd walk to a nearby restaurant, store, or Starbucks to stretch our legs and get something to drink. Only later did Nora tell me that while we were ordering and waiting for our coffees, two women stared at me the entire time. Now, Nora knows this is a feature of my life, but this was the first time that she saw it in action, making her feel uncomfortable. Not wanting to upset me, she said nothing until we'd left. Still, Nora now has a better understanding of the hate that we all face.

I've attended the tournament often over the past 20 years but this was the first time Nora has come with me. We had a great time and look forward to attending together next year. More than 50K people attend each day, so lines for food and even bathrooms were often long. More people, though, means more opportunities to be clocked. Friday's session was the first time i was stared at multiple times in a day with one person even saying "trans" as he and his partner passed me. I don't know whether all the red-state legislation has created more haters, but I wouldn't be surprised if it did.

And so it goes.

Laura

How is the Tiger?  Do you hate the differential braking, or is it a non-issue for you.  It doesn't bother me at all. 

How do you like the low wing v the high wing?  I'll bet the above the wing visibility is great in the Tiger.  Does the sunlight from above head bother you?  Or, do you just wear a cap with a visor?

Hi @Rachel Montgomery.

I absolutely LOVE the Tiger. It's a little pain having the front wheel caster, but as long as you straighten out plane before stopping, it's not so bad. Braking has been fine too.

What took some work, while I was being checked out, was the increased float on landings due to the low wing. I've mastered that now and my landings are better now than in the Cessna 150.

The plane is a bit heavier, so harder to pull or push. Our hanger, the only one available, has a slight incline as be push the plane in the hanger, so the previous owner installed a winch at the back of the hanger. One of my partners, though, built an electric tug that should make life better.

Overall, I'm in love with the Tiger. After my trip to the Indian Wells tennis tournament in March, we're getting a new transponder that will give us ADSB in. For now, I"m using a Sentry Mini,,which works great.

150MPH cruise? Amazing.

Laura

April 5, 2023

It's been a long, wet winter here in northern California. The snow pack is nearly 300% of normal and rivers are trying to overflow their banks. While I know our drought-stricken state needs all this water, tennis and flying were deeply impacted the past four months due to all the rain outs.

What i hope was the last atmospheric river departing a few days ago, the skies are now deep blue and life seems to be returning to normal. I'm playing a bit more regularly and i intend to fly this coming sunday, just to practice and feel the magic again.

I have a new experience to share.

Laura's First Funeral
I received a call from a former worker this afternoon sharing that the woman who had been my administrative assistant when i was Director at the county office had died in her sleep late last week. She and a former workmate had divided up their contact lists and were calling to share the news and the date/time of the funeral. It was a bit of a shock when the first words out of her mouth addressed my <deadname>. At the time, I didn't acknowledge but referenced her name instead.

Now, none of my former work friends and employees were <deadname's> FaceBook friends, so I doubted they knew about my transition. However, quite a few of my work friends from around California and the nation were <deadname's> friend and most transitioned over to Laura's FB page two years ago.

After hearing of my assistant's death and plans for the funeral, I knew i'd need to attend. However, everyone there would be expecting to see <deadname>, not Laura. So, I launched into the news about my transition, my new legal name, and my intention to attend. I told my caller to share this news with others so they wouldn't be too shocked, stressing the importance of addressing me as Laura and not <deadname>.

Frankly, I question my decision to attend. This is supposed to be Debra's funeral and I worry about how my sudden appearance as somebody completely different will impact the solemn occasion. I will recognize quite a few people there and it seems a bit too random to expect everyone to be accepting.

Still, I do have a black outfit to wear should i attend.

Onward.

Laura

May 17, 2023

In May, Laura decided it was time to enjoy going to concerts alone. The entry below is about my experience seeing the EDM group, M83 in Oakland.

For me, M83's concert was one of my best nights of this year. I've always surrounded myself with music, and while my iTunes library is full and diverse, different genres connect with different parts of my life. I have music for writing and thinking, music for when i'm at airports, and so much music that makes me feel alive.

I had the pleasure of sitting next to a 25 year old couple who'd known each other since they were 14. They were adorable together. This was their second M83 concert, having seen them during their 2016 tour. The boyfriend commented how there's one song he always listens to at the conclusion of an event in his life while other songs are directly connected to certain times of his life. I can relate. His girlfriend and I talked about music and books, her having also read this month's Women's Book Club selection, Elenor Oliphant is Completely Fine, which we discussed. She also shared a title i might be interested in reading.

This is why the past year has been the best of my life. I'd locked Laura up for 50 years, but now she's enjoying the life she always wanted to have.

M83's music makes me feel alive, energetic, and reflective, so i was only able to capture two clips near the end of their performance.

Laura

June 11, 2023

I owe you stories, so i'll try to make a dent in the backlog today.

Overall, i'm in the middle of what i feel is a five year journey to become Laura, Day 1 being the day i went full-time. I've written before how i feel there are two parts of transitioning: Physical, which you can begin before outing yourself, and Social/Emotional, which can only begin when you start living your authentic life. For me, HRT and FFS came before FT, but i still have years of physical work: another 1 ½ years or so of facial electrolysis (currently at 2 ½ years) and bottom surgery. The Social Emotional work has progressed nicely. I'm happier and have more friends now than at any point of my life. I do feel that i've evolved nicely but believe it will be another two years or so before i've completely painted Laura's picture. Still, all my good news stems from how my life is better since i've evolved sufficiently to enjoy being Laura.

That's not to say everything is perfect. It's not. At least 20 states have passed anti-trans legislation and we are now referred to as pedophiles and groomers by the GOP. This crusade seems to be paying off since an increasingly growing share of voters buy into their propaganda. If you aren't afraid, you should be. I mostly try to compartmentalize these events and have been fairly successful, primarily because i live in a blue state.I'm safe. For now. If the GOP ever captures congress and the presidency, they'll be coming for all of us, though.

California isn't perfect. I still have haters at my tennis club and at all the tennis clubs our teams play with. Despite years of HRT, operations, and socialization, everyday i'm stared at. Those of us who transition in our fifties and sixties are less able to become passable, so we'll always stand out,something that caused me much anxiety in the past.

I've evolved and while my journey isn't complete, i know how different i am now than i was at the beginning of going FT. I'm happy and doing my best to live my life at its fullest.

Now, where do i start?

Story Time

Hawaii
I've just returned from a 10 day stay on Hawaii's Big Island, staying at the same condo complex as last year. My 2022 trip taught me i was ready to live life, and people have begun noticing that i'm a different person, shedding some of <deadname's> less attractive qualities. I've forgiven myself for not being perfect my first 18 months FT because it takes time to shed our old skin.

Many of the condo residents remembered me from last year, and we chatted throughout my stay. Never was my transness a problem. I was just Laura to them.

Hawaii is like a second home, my father having been born in Hilo in 1925. My first wife was from Hawaii, so we frequently traveled there on vacations. Now, when i go, i only want to "chill", read, enjoy the local foods, and go on a few excursions. This time, i traveled twice to Hilo, stopping by the volcano the second time since it had just begun erupting. I also took a trip up to the top of Mauna Kea (it's highest peak at 14K feet) to view the sunset. Oh, the pictures i took this time. By the end though, i had begun feeling homesick, missing my two fur babies.

The flight back was long and i arrived back at home at 11PM Friday night.

Nora's First Baseball Game.
The next morning, i played with the 16 member tennis group that i organize each week. This group is my safe space, so only nice people get invited to play. Over the past two years, i've assembled a really great group of people.

After tennis and showering, Nora and i went to SF to watch her first baseball game, which also was Pride Day at the Giants. We both got cool pride jerseys that the team was passing out. Nora was surprised how much she enjoyed the game and commented that she wants to go again.

Interclub and a New Conversion
February and March are when tennis players pair up for the next season's team. I didn't play last year, having been turned down by 14 women. This year though, someone asked me to be their partner. (More on that later and how it may turn out to be a problem. Not now, because it deserves a long post of its own.)

Once she and I paired, she (Isa) began to invite me to sub for her team, which because of rain delays, would continue their matches into early May. (the season typically ends in early March). In all, i subbed 6 times and i'm proud that not only did i win often, but that i felt i was a much different person on the court with them. Oh, the haters are still there, both at my club and at the clubs we play, but i was perfectly nice the whole time.

New Conversion?
At the same time, one of Isa's team members began asking me to play in a foursome she assembles each week. That was a surprise mainly because she was one of my haters. Her name is Laura, too, so i'll call her LP in this story.
I knew LP from my first season of playing Interclub. Yeng and I beat her and her partner to gain entry on the team, which meant LP and her partner would be on the sidelines that season. My belief that she was a hater was later confirmed when i learned that she had blocked me on FaceBook, which is weird because she and i weren't even FB friends at the time.

Two years later, LP and I are now both on the same team so she began inviting me to play with her. During the first month or so of play, i was highly suspicious of her intentions. I know some people can pretend to be friendly in order to get dirt for their gossip, so while i was polite during these matches, i was also very cautious, even perplexed. Over time, though, as she shared intimate details of her life to me, i began to build trust with her. While i am still a bit guarded, I'm now more confident that her intentions were genuine and that she was acknowledging my evolution and my evolved personality.

This was my hope at the beginning of my transition, that people would eventually begin accepting the new me. Perhaps i tried too hard my first year, or perhaps too much of the old me was within Laura so that people had a reason to dislike me. What i do know is that i'm a very different person than i was two and a half years ago, that all my friends have noticed this, and that, with time, more people will come on board.

I'm not delusional though. I fully realize that many women at my club and at other clubs will always dislike me because i'm trans. What's different now is that i just don't care. I don't need their understanding or acceptance in order to be happy.

And that's why Laura has more friends and is happier now that she was at the beginning.

Onward,

Laura

August 7, 2023

I only drop in here from time to time now to chronicle some of the events in my evolution. It's not that i have little time to write, but just saying, "hey. I got out of bed, fed the cats, played tennis, and then sat on the couch all day" doesn't work for me. It's drivel and not meaningful without a reference about a story i need to tell, to record for myself, or a memory of what i endured during this thousand mile journey i'm on.

I apologize for not dropping in more often to read the postings here and comment. I know how important it is to have a support network as we make our journeys. I really don't need anyone to read my postings because this is just my online diary and perhaps some of my stories are instructive.

To Love
I'm on at least five dating apps and while i know in my heart it's a fruitless venture, i'm not one to give up easily. Anyone who stays in a marriage for ten years after understanding that her wife was never going to express love in any form is someone who doesn't give up easily. That i wasted a decade of my life is old news, but i think what i regret the most is the time missed being Laura for a longer period.

I am happier now than at any point of my life and while my evolution is still proceeding, i'm a better person now too.

Better, but lonelier.

You see, transitioning at my age comes with the understanding that i'll never be passable. My body has been poisoned by T for too many decades. After FFS, BA, and three years FT, I still don't see Laura in the mirror. I do sometimes see hints of her in some of the pictures i take. And yet, I would never to back. I've always been Laura from the age of 12 and i'm happy that she finally gets to breathe and make new friends, even if that means getting stared at every day.

 i have more friends now than at any point of my life.

And yet, I know i'll never find love again. The CIS world has dating pool the size of an ocean. I have a puddle and after years of profiles on multiple dating platforms, all i attract are scammers.

This current bout of loneliness is not a depression. I'm a far distance from the rabbit hole. It's more about the impossibility of finding love. Let me tell you about the trigger.

I've written about my Saturday doubles group, which ranges from 12-16 players each week. It's my safe space and i only invite people i feel safe around. I also scout potential additions in Sid's evening doubles group and have added around 10 of his players in the past year, several whom have become friends. You see, when i scout, i don't look to see the quality of their play. I look for a kind heart and a sense of humor. Those are the people i want to surround myself with.

So, Kay and her best friend Trinh are two of those additions. They joined my group last winter and played until early summer when it got too hot for them. They did invite me to play with them twice a week in the evening and i've been taking advantage of their offer. Kay is a delightful woman and her husband Paul is a kind soul. You may remember Kay from an earlier post about the Bunko party i attended. Trinh is her divorced best friend.

Each Tuesday and Thursday, i play tennis with Kay, Paul, and Trinh and have a great time. I make the effort, though, because Kay's the kind of person i'd like to make a closer friend so being present when asked is important to me. It's also something <deadname> was terrible at and Laura is trying to correct.

Over time, though, I've found myself becoming attracted to Trinh. A few weeks ago, i was playing in Sid's group and Trinh was playing that night. We weren't partners during any of the three sets, but we waved to each other. Afterwards, she asked if i'd like to get drinks. Now, this was certainly an invitation i was going to accept and while i was scouting Google for a bar close to the tennis club, another friend of ours came by. Trinh asked him to join us but because he was hungry, we agreed to meet at a local Mexican restaurant. Unfortunately, it was closed, so we decided just go home.

The following night, i played with Kay and Trinh again. During the first set, Trihn and i were partners and her conversation turned to the age range i was looking for when dating. I gave it some thought and told her 15 years, a fairly random number, but also the age difference between my ex-wife and myself. What happened next was totally by accident. I asked Trinh, "how old are you?" When she replied 56, i said, "perfect."

And that's when i realized i said too much, that my mini-crush on her may have been too transparent. I was fairly quite the remainder of the set and the following week, i said nothing to infer any attraction.

And yet, I do have a crush on her and know it's fruitless. I can't even test the waters because i don't want to ruin the friendship i'm trying to build with them.

And so, I mope.

Onward,

Laura

August 15, 2023

This post is for me only, a way for me to remember both the highs and lows of my transition. No comments or advice on this one, please.

Pilot Error
Whenever a plane crashes, the FAA's National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) investigates and issues a report, usually a year later, that explains the accident's cause. "The accident was caused by the pilot's failure to xxxx" is the most common phrase cited by the NTSB. Pilot error. In pilot circles, we often debate the circumstances that surrounded the accident, that perhaps, in some cases, the pilot was only partially responsible and that other factors played a role.

Most accidents are the result of a chain of events that can begin before the plane takes off and certainly ends with the accident. Had any of those chain linkages been broken, the accident would never had happened. "A" happened, followed by "B", then "C" and finally "D." If the pilot had not done one of them, the chain wouldn't exist and the accident wouldn't have happened.

Today, I was pushed down the rabbit hole, and I'm feeling lost.

Let's review the chain of events that got me here.

1 & 2. Shared in my last post, i've been sad the past few weeks. Between the combination of feeling lonely from my complete failure with online dating, and a one-way crush on someone I can never share, nor expect feelings to be returned, my reality is that i'll always be alone. Sure i have friends, but I know love will never enter my life again.

Saturday, there was an incident in my Saturday doubles group involving Nora. I've spoken many times about how this group is my safe space, how i've chosen people i feel comfortable around to invite, and how some of the women players have either become casual friends or more. It's the one thing i consider mine, that i feel i have control over, and that brings me joy and happiness each week.

Over the past few years, i've built four playlists of music for our group play, all from my personal collection, and i rotate lists each week. I always press play before people arrive to establish the atmosphere for our fun playing.

Now, while Nora will admit she likes some of my selections, she's also not shy about complaining about my choices, so when we're driving together, sometimes i get my way, and sometimes I give her control over what's played in the car.

Saturdays are different. It's my house, the one thing i feel i have control over.

Mid way through the fourth set, I heard my music stop, followed by new music playing. Nora had turned off my speaker, turned on hers, and began playing her music. I know she thinks it was funny but it bothered me to no end. I rarely get upset at Nora, but i was at that moment, so when my court was finished playing, I gathered my things and left without saying goodbye.

Nora did try to call me a few minutes later when i was getting a drink at AM/PM, but i didn't hear her call and didn't return it because i was still upset with her.

Now, my tennis lesson is on Monday and i've let Nora take part in it for some time now. I reminded her the day before and then sent her a wake up text the morning of the lesson. This week she didn't reply to the first and then texted that she couldn't come after the morning wake up text. 

Today's Tuesday, electrolysis day, where i drive into the Bay Area for two hours of needles and pain. Today's session, where our work focused on my lower and upper lips, was especially painful. Torture really. About one hour into the lesson, Nora called, but given i was lying down on the table being tortured, i didn't answer. Nora tends to forget that i'm occupied until a bit after 12pm each Tuesday, but she did follow up with a text that said, "This is the second time I called you and you didn't answer."

On the way out, i called her but the call went to voicemail and while i was texting her, she returned my call. She was immediately upset with me.

Over the next 10-15 minutes, Nora told me how wrong i was that i had gotten upset, that she had nothing to apologize for, and that my attitude was why people didn't like me.

I was stunned and frankly, the more she drove at me, the more i felt myself falling into the rabbit hole, the first time in 18 months. During the whole conversation, all i could muster in return were "OK" and "I understand". On the edge of tears, i told her we'd have to talk later and i ended the call.

I cried all the way home and afterwards.

Am i too flawed to be likable? Are all the changes i've made to my personality insufficient? I'm confused because i've worked hard to be less like <deadname> and more like the woman i want to be. Apparently, it's not enough and i'm lost.

Laura

August 18, 2023

You Can't Put the Bullet Back in the Gun

My previous two posts are the lead up for today's story.

I continue to be lost and in survival mode, just keeping my head above water. I've been here before, but this time is different.

The first two chain linkages were the lead in and will probably always be a source of frustration. After reflecting a few days, i have some thoughts.

I have always loved women and there haven't' been many periods during my adult life where i wasn't either married to or dating a straight woman. I believe in love and i think i've matured over the years to be a better partner each time. That i have a crush on a straight woman, Trinh, is most frustrating. She's a relatively new friend, still a casual one, and she's Kay's best friend.

Trinh's history is that she's a pediatrician whose husband left two years ago to be with another woman. Crushed, she immediately rebounded and began cougar dating a man 20 years her junior. While they've broken up a few times, they're still together. She admits she doesn't love him, but she stays with him. As a fellow introvert, i think i know why. No one wants to be lonely and sometimes it's better to be in a bad relationship than to be alone.

I could be wrong.

Regardless, no amount of wishing is going to make Trinh bisexual. Not going to happen. Why is it that i seem to only attracted to straight women? Is it because i've been with them my whole life? Have I been forced here because most lesbians don't consider us to be women? I don't know. I just know that despite looking far and wide, i'm going to be alone the rest of my life.

It was Nora's push that sent me down the hole and her words keep reverberating around my head. Because i got upset with her for changing music during Saturday doubles, I am a bad person and that's why people don't like me.

This next part involves Bobby and Trix, the same from much earlier posts. For several years before going FT, Trix, Bobby, Nora and I were part of a Friday doubles group that met for several years. In many ways, they were my weekly lifeline during a depressing period of my life. Shortly after i went FT, Trix dropped me from the group and brought on Jason as their new fourth. That rejection still hurts to this day.

Jason is an interesting man. A retired prison guard and MAGA devotee, he may be quite skilled on the tennis court, but when he begins to make errors, he turns in to an angry jerk. Nora had previously been doubles partners with him at tournaments, but finally his behavior became too much.

During Nora's Tuesday tear down, she mentioned that my behavior was why Trix and Bobby didn't like me. Upon reflection i find that curious. If i'm such a terrible person that these former friends don't like me, am a worse person that Jason? After all, they continue to play and socialize with him?

Wednesday, Nora called to check up,, which was probably not a good idea. Now, Nora has been my BFF for four years, was the first person i came out to, and has been an important mentor during my evolution. She's scolded me in the past when she thought i was wrong and i know those events were because she cared about my development. This time felt very different. During her Tuesday rebuke, whatever self-esteem i had disappeared in a flash. All the pride i felt about my evolution vanished. Did i really make new friends, or were all these new people in my life just temporary?

During Nora's wednesday call, i reminded her that she told me i was a bad person, crying as i shared. Over my talk, i could hear her say that i wasn't a bad person.

Then why did you fire the bullet that caused irreparable damage to my heart? Taking back those words won't pull me out of the rabbit hole. You can't put the bullet back in the gun. In my 1000 mile journey, i feel like i've been knocked back 100 miles.

We haven't talked since. We will at some point, but i'm not sure if our friendship wound will heal. The reality is that the many friends i've made the past 18 months are just casual friends.None have evolved to become closer. None invite me to play with them, nor invite me to hang out.

So, perhaps Nora was right. I'm not the kind of person people can like. 

Onward

Laura

August 26, 2023

I'm lost and i'm not sure what i'll be once i crawl out of the rabbit hole. I don't think i'll be as confident as before, and i feel less inclined to reach out to people than before. I realize now that i really have no friends, that those others were just people who were friendly but not really friends.

In the two years i've run my Saturday group, no one has asked me to play with them, nor attempted to be a friend. I encountered friendliness only when i reached out to women, but i'm tired of feeling needy. I don't want to beg people to love me. These interactions never led to anything more substantial though. Casual friends, but not close ones.

Perhaps this is partly because i'm still struggling with the person i used to be. Having lived most of my life as someone else means i never developed some of the habits and behaviors CisWomen have. I find i all overwhelming.

Nora and i aren't talking and i don't think we ever will. She hurt me deeply and destroyed both my self-confidence and my joy. I'd been happy for 18 months, so i was stunned when i so quickly fell down the rabbit hole.

And here i sit. Alone.

Dating is impossible, and my crush on Trinh is fruitless. She and i will never be close friends, nor will any woman in my life.Maybe it's safer for me to have no friends and to just enjoy activities by myself.

Laura

September 3, 2023

Prelude to Destruction

Three weeks after "the event", I continue to be depressed. For me a good day is one where i don't cry. I am lost. Oh, i can fake being happy when i'm playing tennis with acquaintances or my team. Being around people helps me survive and often is the only thing i can hold onto.

Isa is our team captain and my partner on the team. Last week was her birthday, so Laura (the queen bee) arranged a play day followed by lunch at a local restaurant. The tennis was wonderful and roughly 16 people attended the luncheon. After everyone was settled and had placed their orders, I commented about the empty chair next to me. Laura replied that it was reserved for Nora, who had been invited. I quickly texted Laura, who was sitting across from me, that Nora and i weren't talking. "Oh, >-bleeped-<", she replied back and before i knew it, the chair was moved to another part of the table. Nora eventually arrived and became part of one of the conversation groups. We didn't speak to or acknowledge each other.

Everyone was having a wonderful time and several groups of conversations were going on at the same time. I, though, wasn't part of any of the conversation groups, so over time I forgot to fake happiness and my sadness began to show through. Laura actually noticed it and asked if i was sleepy or if anything was wrong. I chose not to share because i don't want my situation to be gossip and i certainly don't want people feeling sorry for me.

The same goes for my birthday, which is this Thursday. No one knows about it and i've not shared the date with people. My birthday, as usual, will pass without notice. It reminds me of the birthday i had a year before my second marriage imploded and i scurried away to therapy.
That day, as my ex and i rose from bed, there were no birthday greetings, no card, and no present. This was curious, I thought, so i played along all day, wondering if some surprise was in order or if my ex just didn't care.

In the late afternoon, her best friend came to our house bearing both a card and a present. I think this is when my ex realized it was my birthday. What hurt me was that she showed no embarrassment, no remorse, and no apology. My birthday just didn't matter to her. The following day, she did buy me a card, but there was no apology or excuse. While it was obvious to me, once again, that she didn't love me, I chose not to confront the elephant in the room. My marriage was obviously over, but neither of us wanted the conversation. Of course, i suspect that like all the other events the prior 10 years, she'd offer some excuse that i'd choose to accept rather than challenge. With some form of birthday PTSD, I now expect not to happy when my birth anniversary arrives.

Back to Nora, though.

It's not that i don't have issues with Nora. Like too many other relationships, i have a tendency to depreciate my own needs in order to make people happy. I'm not a person who wants to start a fight or cause friction in a relationship. I don't like rocking the boat, or maybe i'm just afraid to rock it because i fear that it may tip over and all will be lost. However, when i ignore my own needs, perhaps others think i don't have any.

The first issue involved a visit to my old friend, Beth. After more than 40 years apart, we finally connected last August during her visit to Las Vegas where she has a time share. My visit was brief because of my schedule, but we talked so much during our time together.

So, when she wrote me that she was returning to Vegas last month, i quickly accepted and made plans to drive there. Nora, upon hearing of my trip, asked to accompany me, which was fine because it would be nice for both my close friends to meet. However, over the course of a few weeks, the trip gravitated from one where i get to spend time with an old friend, to one that was more focused on Nora.

I purchased tickets to a show, asking Beth if she'd like to attend with us, but she declined. Then Nora started making demands, complaining that she wanted to have fun and didn't want to be bored while Beth and I caught up. Nora even demanded we stay an extra night in a hotel, since Beth was returning home the day i had planned to return home. Nora wanted to make this a trip for her, while i wanted to come home once Beth left. I should have been firm with Nora, since i'd made plans for us to go to a show and do other things together during our stay. It wasn't enough for Nora though.

The next event was a presentation Nora had to make to a business group she belongs to. Nora had no experience planning or delivering presentations while these were some of the skills i'd honed during my career, so several times in the past, Nora would come to my house and we'd spend hours brainstorming, researching, and constructing her presentations. While time consuming on my behalf, i was happy to help my close friend.

In early August, she announced her turn for another presentation was just a few weeks away and that she needed my help. No problem i told her. Just come over and we can begin work. Over the next several weeks, she procrastinated and since it's not my job to nag her or remind her of her obligations, i stayed silent.

The day before her presentation, she called me while she driving to a city nearby to play doubles with new friends, directing me to create her presentation since she hadn't time. Really? You're choosing to play tennis when you could spend the morning at my house working on it?

So, i spent a few hours brainstorming, researching, and putting together a presentation that i placed in Google Docs, sharing the document with her. When she returned home and read the document, she called me expressing disappointment. Really? This is my fault?

And so it goes.

Laura

November 24, 2023

I am SO delinquent with my storytelling. I have many stories, mostly wonderful, from the past three months. I'll try to catch up in the next few days.

First an easy one.

I bought a Tiger

You all know i've had my pilot's license since i was 17 and that i'm currently part owner of a two seater, Cessna 150 which is a cute, fun plane mostly suited for day trips. It's slow speed (95mph), short range before refueling, and lack of luggage space means i've not been able to fly longer distances for weekend trips.

Not now though.

My partners and i have just purchased a Grumman Tiger, a four seater that can fly roughly 500 miles before refueling. Better, cruise speed is 160mph. We've entered new territory, one where Nora and i can fly up to Portland or down to Palm Springs.

Of course, we all need to be trained in this plane. While the basics remain the same, we'll each work with an instructor to get used to differences. My lessons begin next Thursday, and i anticipate it will take roughly three hours over several days to feel proficient. In the end, i'll spend whatever time is necessary to feel competent.

See, that was easy and short.

Another wonderful story tomorrow.

And so it goes.

Laura

November 25, 2023

As promised, i'm catching up with all the stories that have unfolded the past three months. Enjoy.

Ladies Interclub Tennis

Of the many surprises this year, my second go at playing ladies team tennis, has been notable.

Having gone full-time three years ago, i was lucky that Yeng became my partner for Interclub Tennis that first year. Of course, year one was one where both my dreams and nightmares came true. I was bullied and hated far and wide, sending me into frequent depressions, as i've noted in this blog.

The positive view is that these experiences taught me much about myself and the ways i needed to change to continue my evolution. As i've shared before, transition consists of two tracks: medical/physical and social/emotional, the latter only possible once you've started living full-time.
Because of those experiences, Nora's guidance, and my hard work, I'm a different, better person now than i was then.

Even so, i felt some anxiety about playing on the team this year. After all, another club had filed a complaint against me just last March when i was a substitute. How would players see me now? Would i experience the same level of hate as before? Would clubs file complaints against me, as they had done before?

As it turns out, no (and this was a pleasant surprise.)

Now, it's possible that since i've been Laura for three years, people are beginning to get used to having a transwoman around. However, i think the real reason is that they see i'm a better version of myself now, someone who is kind and easy to be around.

At least, that's what other players have told me, and perhaps that's why it's been a bit easier to make and keep friends. More on that when i blog about my own Friendsgiving, which is in two weeks. Transitioning is a process that unfolds over years. It can't be rushed.

My next entry will be about a Friendsgiving i attended last week. My first, but not my last because i'm invited to another Friendsgiving the week after mine.

A few more steps on my thousand mile journey.

Laura

November 26,2023

Well, @Rachel Montgomery, we've entered new territory with the Tiger, and while I love the extra speed and weight allowances, working with a CFI to become proficient is the only way forward. One of my partner's lessons begin Wednesday and mine begin Thursday and Friday. Fortunately, my work will also count for my Biannual.

I'm not thrilled about the castering frnt wheel, but i know i'll get used to it, just as i will to the differences between the 150, the 172, and the Tiger.

The Tiger's panel is mostly original except for a Garmin 430. Fortunately, there's a secondary radio so we can listen to ATIS and ATC at the same time. I'm generally not impressed with the 430, having used one when i flew 172s a few years ago. The 430 does allow our plane to be IFR rated, but alas i'm only VFR. Had the 150 been IFR rated, i'd probably have the rating right now, but given that i'm 72, i'm too lazy to invest the time for the rating.

The prior owner when the cheap way for ADSB out, using the wing-tip light, so our first upgrade will be a new transponder attached to a Stratus, which is what we have in the 150.

One bit of bad news is that the new plane won't fit into the 150's hanger. The wings will, but it's too tight a fit for the tail. So, it looks like we're stuck with the hanger the Tiger resides. Why stuck? It's the only hanger that has a downward slope you must traverse when taking the tiger out or putting back in the hanger. The slope is bad enough that the prior owner installed a winch to pull the plane back. Unfortunately, there are no other available hangers on the field.

However, we have a tiger and we're all excited.

Laura

December 2, 2023

I was going to share a story about my first invited Friendsgiving, but i'll postpone that for something more fresh, my first flight in my Tiger.

We're fully in the holiday season, and my house has been decorated, within and without, since early November. For me, fully celebrating the season helps keep my mood up and reminds me of past Christmases when i was happier, when i was surrounded by family. I celebrate the season, but hate the actual day where silence pervades the house.

Holidays are like that.


First Flight

To acclimate to a different plane, we always work with a Certified Flight Instructor (CFI). Mine, a 78 year old former Air Force pilot and school superintendent, was perfect for the job.

In the 2.5 hours we flew together, we practiced a variety of maneuvers, which helped point out how different the Tiger flies than the Cessna 150 we also own. I can't tell you how many times I announced on the radio, "Cessna 7 Tango Mike ......" oh, the joy of muscle memory. Or not.

In many ways, the Tiger flies like a Cessna 172 with a 180hp engine. Wicked speed and climb rate and oh too easy to carry too much speed in the traffic pattern. We had previously met at his airport just to talk about learning styles, our experiences, and the importance of maintaining a reliable traffic pattern speed, with 85Kts on downwind, 75kts on base and 65 on final. Those speeds work pretty well.

After all the maneuvers, we practiced a number of landings at a small local runway, stopping after many to discuss any changes. This was helpful. Landings at at my home airport were different since the variety of trees at the end of runway kept getting in my head. I could keep 65kts, but once i flared, i tended not to focus down the runway. I'm not particularly worried because it's all part of the learning process to get used to a very different plane.

And, boy is she fun to fly.

We'll return to the sky next thursday to practice a few more landings before he signs me off on the plane.

I'd say it took 20-30 minutes to get used to where each of the instruments was on the panel, but there are also new things to check, but that's all part of coming up to speed with a different plane. In all, not too bad.

i love this plane.

Onward,

Laura

December 6, 2023

I love the holidays. Hate the actual day because i spend it alone, but oh, how i love the season.

Of my entire family, only my sister knows about Laura. I simply never trusted my other siblings or my mother, so we decided years ago to wait for mom's death before my sister told her two children.

With mom's death in September, that task was completed over Thanksgiving, and fortunately, both boys (my nephews) took it well. Today, my nephew's wife friended me on Facebook, so there's progress. More as this unfolds.

Preparations for my third Friendsgiving are moving along well. The house is mostly clean, fully decorated, and i've purchased most of the food/ingredients i need for Saturday. I'll pick up the crab Friday afternoon, and the sourdough bread Saturday morning. Eight friends are coming over for dinner, a white elephant gift exchange and then a few games. I'll write extensively about the party afterwards, but first i owe you a story about ....

My First Invited Friendsgiving

I made three new friends this year, which seems incredible. Laura P began becoming friendly after i joined the tennis team last spring, and she's been consistently nice and kind. Kay i found playing on the court next to me in early 2023 during a Monday evening group and by the end of the evening, i'd invited her to play in my Saturday group. That was the beginning of our friendship, which, like dating, is a slowly developing thing. I met Trinh (my crush) through her. All three women are coming to my friendsgiving this Saturday.

After playing in my group for a few months, Kay began inviting me to play Tuesday and Thursday evenings with her and her friends. I'm able to about half the time, but I appreciate the opportunity to spend more time with Kay and Trinh, as well as their friends.

On occasion, she's invited me over to her house for dinner and games. These haven't been frequent, but friendship is something you feed and build over time. Mostly the same people are present at these events at Kay's house: Kay and her husband, Trinh and her on again, off again boyfriend, Albert, Sam, a neighbor, and usually several other people.

Kay, being an extrovert, glides through these evenings seemingly effortlessly and because she's the ring leader of this band of friends, these evenings are always at her house. Now, this group gets together for other evenings and day trips, but i'm totally satisfied with where i am right now. She sees me as a friend, and as she told me recently, it seems like we've known each other for much longer.

Nice complement.

Kay's friendsgiving was two weeks ago, and besides the usual cast of characters, were several other people i'd not met, but who were also nice. Most of Kay's dinners are pot luck, which makes sense when you do this regularly.

After dinner, we played several different games, and then the group wanted to watch a few episodes of a Netflix series that i'd seen.

In all, a wonderful evening. It feels so nice to be included.

But as Nora tells me, friendships must be fed, meaning that both sides have to contribute and reach out.

Another step on my journey.

Laura

December 10, 2023

I've had a busy holiday season, and while my Friendsgiving is over, next week is even busier. Besides my lesson tomorrow, i'm also playing Monday night in Sid's group, where i've recruited many players for my Saturday group and found some incredible friends. Tuesday is both electrolysis and a hair appointment. On wednesday, i fly again to practice landings in our new Tiger, followed by making my Filipino macaroni salad for an ornament exchange party on friday. Saturday is crazy with morning tennis, a book club luncheon with both a book and cookie exchange, followed by Trinh's Friendsgiving that evening.

I'm not complaining though. This is what i've dreamed of for years.

Laura's Third Friendsgiving
I'd been preparing for my friendsgiving for months and with eight people coming to my house, I had more tasks to accomplish. That's one reason i fully decorated my house in early November so at least that work was out of the way.

The old me never had people over, and while each of my Friendsgivings requires a fair about of preparation and work, i'm getting better at putting things together. Nora commented about this while we were debriefing the party afterwards.

Besides my past regular attendees, Laura p, Kay, trinh, and my tennis partner, Isa, came, which is the most people i've ever had to my house. And it felt amazing. I'm beginning to enjoy entertaining. There's nothing like the feeling of the house looking perfect just before everyone arrives: the house completely decorated, everything being perfectly clean, all the pre-dinner snacks and drinks being laid out for my guests, and all the food ready to cook or pull out of the refrigerator. Exhausting, but completely satisfying.

I'm including a few pictures, but mostly i'm going to share both my pre-dinner toast and a comment i shared on the text thread to this group afterwards.

Dinner was wonderful, with crab, two types of ravioli, sourdough bread, and a nice asparagus dish from a recipe i found a few months ago.

Afterwards, we talked and had our White Elephant gift exchange followed a game Kay and her friends play during her frequent parties, CodeNames. I wouldn't change anything about the evening.

My Dinner Toast
It's hard to believe it's been 60 years since i knew i was Laura, seven and half since i came out to my therapist, four and a half years since i gathered the courage to come out to Nora, and three years since i began living full time as Laura.

If you've known me during the past three years, you know the first year was dark, where all my nightmares came true. That time, those events taught me much about myself and how i could be a better person.

I'm a writer, so I've chronicled all my adventures during my transition, but i only share this because of my motto, which is on the bottom of all my posts. It goes, "When you are ready, start living your truth. That's when the magic happens.

You are all magic to me. I feel blessed to have all of you in my life and to able to call you friends.
—--
During the entire evening, everyone was taking pictures and sharing them on our party text thread, which is why i'm blessed to have a record of the evening. I'm sharing a few, because I continue to feel amazed that these people are my friends.

People continued to share their thanks the next morning on the text thread, but i'd like to share one of my replies to the group.

Laura's Group Response
Mr. Rogers (remember him?) used to tell children in distress to "Look for the helpers." Since transitioning, my mantra has been, "Look for kindness" which is how all of you have come into my life. As i shared in my toast, you all are magic to me and to be friends with you is a blessing I always dreamed of and continue to be surprised with.

Thank you all for coming. The old me never accepted invitations, nor invited people over, so to be at this point of my life, surrounded by beautiful, intelligent, funny, and kind women is what i had hoped for my entire life. Merry Christmas.

(https://i.imgur.com/5CRvjAS.jpg)

Onward,

Laura

December 24, 2023

Tomorrow is Christmas, a day I now dred each year. Back when I had family and loved ones, i looked forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas each year. Now, I do my best to fully enjoy the season, in effort to avoid thinking about the day itself.

It's been a good season, with my first invitations to various Christmas parties, two of which i'll share today.

Trinh's Friendsgiving / Laura's Ornament Exchange

On Friday the 15th, Laura P invited me and 34 of her friends to an ornament exchange at her house. I've not been comfortable socializing in crowds in the past, but i went because Laura is one of the three new friends i've found this year.

Her house was beautifully decorated and tables were perfectly set for all of us, with Christmas plates and decorations. Of course, food was aplenty since this was a potluck, and we all spent time taking pictures in front of her gorgeous Christmas tree.

And, yes, i managed to socialize with new people. Some of her friends stared at me, but i didn't let that spoil my time there. I had a wonderful time.

The following day, Saturday, was Trinh's Friendsgiving.

Trinh's house is about 35 minutes from mine, in a gated community. At 2300 sq ft, my house is cosy, but her 4300 sq ft house seemed massive by comparison.

Present where the usual cast of characters from Kay's group: Kay and her husband, Trinh and her on again/off again boyfriend, Kay's neighbor Sam, Josephine and Anne (both which i first met at Kay's Friendsgiving), and Tonya (a tennis player i knew from the club, but who turned out to be Trinh's long time friend.)  This is the cast of characters who often meet at Kay's house for her parties. They're also the group that travels together, often renting a house at a distant location and spending time together.)

That i've been invited to several of Kay's parties the past few months, still seems part of a dream.. Many of her friends also play tennis, so it's not unusual to see them when i play with Kay on Tuesday or Thursday evenings.

Trinh's party, also a pot luck, was amazing and i only left after midnight, once we'd eaten and played a series of games together. I also was surprised to spend time with Josephine, hearing part of her story. As we were chatting in the kitchen, she shared that Kay had already told her about me and that she felt comfortable talking to me. That felt nice. I've always been a thoughtful listener, so i think she enjoyed getting to know me too.

Am i now part of Kay's group? Will i continue to be invited to her parties? Frankly, i don't know. A few days after the party, they all traveled to Los Angeles, stayed in a rented house, and shared activities. I wasn't invited. I'm doing my best to keep my head up and stay positive. I know people come and go from our lives, but i'm hoping to keep these wonderful, funny, and intelligent people in my life next year.

We'll see.

Next week, i'll share about the highlights of 2023.

Laura

December 30, 2023

<coda: below is a response to a comment by @Rachel Montgomery, which was lost in the Great Crash.>

You completely echoed what i was thinking Rachel, that i may be going through a Greek "rush".

I became acquainted with Kay early in the year, after seeing her kindness on the court next to me, asking her to play in my Saturday group. Over months, i was introduced to Paul, her husband, and Trinh, her best friend. Still, it wasn't until late April when she invited me to her house for a bunko party.

After that wonderful experience, i didn't receive an invitation until late September. At that point, i'd figured that she was just going to be a tennis friend. However, during all the preceding months, we had chatted during matches and shared little things about ourselves. I guess it took time for her to give me a chance with her group.

I fully enjoyed all times i played with them on the Tuesday or Thursday evenings, so that first invitation to her house felt special. Each time i was invited was with the same group of people, so it was nice to slowly get to know them on another level. Only during Kay's and Trinh's Friendsgivings did i meet Anne and Josephine.

So, has all of this been a test of whether i fit into the group, or is it just random? Will i continue to be invited, or even to be included in their weekend excursions? 2024 will tell and i have some thoughts about the future in my next post.

Thanks for sharing.

laura

January 25, 2023

I'm now caught up with all my reposting, so my main blog and several threads are back.

Next in the queue are three posts, which still need to be written.
1. Kay's New Year's Eve Party
2. My Year-End Review
3. My anxiety about the coming year.

It may be the weekend before I post.

Laura

Yeah, I want a Tiger. I love my plane, and wouldn't trade it.  But, if my son wants to learn to fly, I'd see it as an opportunity for us to go halves.  A backup plane to fly when mine is in for service or waiting for a new engine would be awesome.

@Rachel Montgomery

oh, what a gift to be a two plane family. Our Tiger cost $100K, so I'm glad we're splitting costs. We knew the operating costs would be higher, but were shocked that our insurance was 300% more than our Cessna 150. that's taking some getting used to.

There are currently three of us, but we're advertising for additional partners. Sunday, I'm taking Nora up for her first flight in the Tiger.

Laura

January 25, 2024

Kay's new year's eve
Meeting Kay last year, mostly by coincidence, was a blessing. It was a slow build becoming friends with her, and later her gang of friends, so  I'm alway wondering when the bubble will burst. I'll save those thoughts for a post i'm calling, My Anxiety, with will be the mirror to my Year End Review, which is my next post.

I don't remember the last time I was invited to a New Year's Eve party, but i was so happy that Kay invited me to hers. Now, the majority of her parties are with the same gang of friends, mostly tennis players including her closest friend, Trinh.

Everything seems so easy with her. Her parties are pot lucks and afterwards we play a variety of games, with Trinh's on again/off again boyfriend often finding new and interesting games to play

Several guests arrived after 8pm but many of us earlier had dinner and conversation. Afterwards, was a surprise to me. I'd been to Kay's house perhaps five times, but this time, i learned something new about her. Leading us to one of her bedrooms, I found a complete Karaoke set-up and it was obvious that Trinh and Albert had been her before.

For the next hour or so we alternated choosing songs and embarrassing ourselves. It was great fun.

By then, the rest of the guests arrived which is when we began playing a variety of games. I've loved attending her parties and hanging out with Kay and her friends, and sometimes i wonder whether all this is just too good to be true.

Still, it was a marvelous evening. I so hope to be invited again.

Laura

January 26, 2024

Finally, the first real posts of 2024.

The next two posts are opposite sides of the same coin, equal parts of who i am. Part of me is an optimist who refuses to give up, that gives people an extra chance, who is hopeful, who tries her best to be kind. The reverse side of the coin is pessimism and  loss, a feeling that anything good will disappear. That somehow I didn't deserve happiness. It's loneliness and emptiness.  But first i'll share the positive side of the coin.

Optimist Laura

Year End Review
2023 was an amazing year for me and perhaps a testament to my evolution as Laura. I survived the fires of the first 18 months, discarded some of my unattractive features, and tried my best to be the kind of person people would like to be around.

It was my reward for surviving and doing the hard work

Before this year, I had one friend, Nora, and one distant friend, Yeng. Yes, both Beth and Regina were back in my life, for which i felt thankful, but having local friends was something of a surprise.

I'd met Kay earlier in the year when she was playing tennis on the court next to me. When i'm playing in Sid's group, as i was that evening, i'm always looking for two qualities in people i might invite to my saturday group, which for some time had been my safe space: kindness and an acceptable game. I saw that in Kay, asked her if she was interesting in playing, and added her to my invite list. A few weeks later, she and Trinh began coming to my saturday sessions, and those brief encounters each week helped us slowly get to know each other.

It wasn't until April that she invited me to her house, and while i had a wonderful time there, no invitations followed for the next four months. Inside, i wondered if perhaps she didn't enjoy my company or whether i had made a bad impression. I really didn't know, but i continued chatting with her through out summer, and played with her and her friends in her city on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Maybe all these encounters gave me a second chance. I really don't know

I do know that once she began inviting me to her parties in late September, it seemed i'd been accepted into her group. I've shared in all these adventures in previous posts, so i won't dwell, but having her friendship, feeling included in her circle,  was one of the highlights of the year.

So was being accepted by Laura P, the queen bee of our tennis team. I had brief encounter with Laura P two years prior when Yeng and I beat Laura and her partner in the Interleague tryouts. By winning, Yeng and i played on to earn a place on the team, and Laura and her partner were removed. Only later did i learn that she'd blocked me on FaceBook, even though we weren't even FB friends at that point.

When Isa asked me to be her partner, Laura P began inviting me to play Monday mornings, and over the course of a few months, we learned a fair amount about each other. In the beginning, I was wary of her kindness. Mean girls can pretend to be kind to gather information about you, so it took about a month before i began to trust her and see that she was sincere. Laura really is something different: attractive, funny, random, and completely transparent. Later, it was easy to see why she has so many friends, so i've felt fortunate to be among them.

Regarding flying, My last flight in the Cessna 150, which had been in our LLC since 1966, was in May. Somehow, i couldn't motivate myself to go on flights. That is, until we bought the Tiger, which expanded our options and has been a joy to fly. A few posts away are two entries about flights i've taken with friends.

In all, a wonderful year, but clouds were on the horizon.

Onward,

Laura

January 27, 2024

And, now, the other side of my coin.

Tails: My Pessimism

In back of my head is always the feeling that all the good things that have happened will suddenly disappear. While i know this is a bit pessimistic, my life has been full of luck knocking on my door, and of people walking right out that open door. Since I'm used to losing people, i'm not really surprised when people leave my life or if i'm rejected by a group i want to belong to. As Woody Allen once said, "I never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejnp589JuL0

So, while 2023 was one of the best years of my life, part of me expects all these good things to disappear, as if I don't deserve them.  People have walked away from me before, so it wouldn't exactly be a surprise.

Kay
So, in back of my head is the feeling that Kay and her group will wander off, that i won't be invited to her parties, nor asked to participate in one of her travel adventures where the group travels and stays together. She, of all my newish friends, has potential to become a closer friend, someone similar to Nora. I've no clue, though, what's she's thinking.

Trinh is a bit more elusive. While Kay is definitely a Type A extrovert, Trinh is introverted. She is, though, someone i wish i could know better, but feels that she has already pulled away. Early on in our friendship, I developed a crush on her. She was so easy to be around, and she often engaged me in conversation. That ended sometime in September and she's been a little distant since then. Perhaps she senses my crush, or maybe she doesn't see a potential friend in me. I really don't know, but i've continued to be kind and sincere around her.

Interleague
I've so enjoyed being part of a women's tennis team this year. Whether it's practicing with them during the week, rooting for them on game days, or sharing lunch with them after matches, it's all been a joy.

What's not been wonderful is being Isa's partner. She and i play Line One, which is supposed to be the strongest pair on the team. I've been doing my part and i know I belong on Line One. Isa, though, doesn't. In prior years, she and her partner played Line Four, and still had trouble winning matches. In Line One, Isa is easily overmatched, and her decline in skills and movement is evident to many.

We've not won a single match this season, and i suspect the same will occur during the second half. While i love competing, I don't see us together as partners next season, which is why I've spent some time wondering who might partner with me next year.

The last time I looked for a partner, two years ago, I spoke to 14 women about partnering, and all turned me down, even though i'm a strong player. This time, while i'm a better person and more accepted at the club, I don't think i'll be able to find someone. I've already asked two women, both whom turned me down, and frankly, it's more than a little humbling to be constantly rejected.

Sign-ups for next season begin in March with try-outs starting in April, so there's a narrow window to be partnered. I doubt that anyone will ask me, and it's too painful to keep asking women, only to be rejected.

At least my cats love/tolerate me.

Laura

Hi Laura,

I am sorry to read of the rejections at the club, I hope this situation gets better soon. 

Wow, getting a Tiger has to be exciting, a bit more sporty than the 150 for sure! Makes me realize I need to get back in the cockpit, it has been many years since my aviation career shifted gears.  I miss it.  I assume you are IFR rated as well? 


Warmly,

Brooke

Hi @Brooke Renee.

To give you a bit of encouragement on the flying front, I didn't fly for 40 years before returning. I had gotten my license when I was 17 and flew regularly until I was 21 or 22. By then, I realized I was spread too thin, with classes, theatrical productions, and a part time job. It was all too much, so I stopped flying and didn't return until I retired 9 years ago. I'd missed it terribly, but there were more important priorities in my life.

I was looking for something larger and faster before I bought into the Cessna 150, but since I couldn't find another group, I bought into the 150. It's been a wonderful day-trip plane, and magic every time I took off. However, the Tiger expands our range and gives us so many more options.

Laura

January 28, 2024

Nora Rides a Tiger

Or not.

Today, Sunday, i'd reserved the tiger so Nora and i could fly to Half Moon Bay for some hiking and lunch. It would have been her first flight in the Tiger, but on Friday, we discovered the switch that operates the flaps had stopped operating. We've found a replacement, but now our mechanic will need to install it. I'm antsy to go flying again.

So, Nora came over to watch the 49ers game which was in itself, a wild ride of an afternoon. We had fresh crab and udon noodles afterwards, not all was lost.

More stories very soon.

Laura

I am guessing the flaps on a Tiger are electric.  It doesn't sound expensive or like a major problem, but obviously needs to be fix immediately.  I'm sorry. 

Take that as a positive, what would have happened if they packed up during the flight? would it make landing hard? as the little I know about flying says you need the extra lift when touching down.

@Davina, @Rachel

Yes, our flaps are electric. Our Cessna 150's flaps were operated by a lever that resembles the emergency brake on your car, but most airplanes manufactured after ours had electric flaps.

the primary benefit of flaps is to lower your stall speed, primarily when landing. Slower is always better. Flaps also help create drag with also helps in slowing.

Could we fly without flaps? Absolutely. However, most pilots are as paranoid (ok, safety conscious) as me, so we'd rather fix the problem before flying again.

We've ordered a new switch ($190) and as soon as it arrives our mechanic can install it. Until then, we're grounded just as the weather is becoming beautiful.

Laura

January 29, 2024

I've one other story from a few weeks ago to tell, but first here's one from last weekend that  scares the heck out of me.

I am Not a Dancing Queen
"Would you like to take dancing lessons with me?"

This, from Kay Saturday on a change over between sets during my regular Saturday doubles group. "Yes", i replied thinking to myself, "What am I getting myself into?"

Dancing terrifies me and has done so my entire life. You might think a theatre arts major would love dancing, but i never have, preferring to stay on the sidelines rather than embarrass myself. But here i was, gladly saying yes when i fear for the worst.

I'm certain this originated from Trinh who is obsessed with TicTok videos of hip hop dances and has spent some time trying to get us to learn specific routines. She even had Kay's son teach us one during Trinh's Friendsgiving in December.

But I said yes, partly because of my treatise to always say yes now, so as not to miss any opportunities to make new friends or to become better friends. Trinh and Kay are still relatively new friends, and i'm still not sure if I'm really a part of their group or if i'm just an occasional invited guest. That Kay asked me is a good sign, but I've never been asked for so much. This is not one fear i really want to conquer. Flying a plane is much easier, but since it's important to them, i'm making it important to myself.

Do or die, they are my friends and I never want to miss an opportunity to hang out with them.

Within 24 hours, kay had found a teacher who will give us lessons and we begin tonight. Kay even found us dance shoes since the teacher doesn't want us to wear rubber bottomed shoes. I'm certain all this came from my crush Trinh, but Kay is all in.

And i'm terrified.

But, i'm also going.

Wish me luck.

Laura

January 30, 2024

With this post, i'm nearly caught up with my stories. After today, i'll have one post next week regarding my third electrolysis anniversary. Happy reading.

Keeping a Promise: Maya's First Flight
I first met Maya three years ago, when Yeng and I were competing for a spot on our club's women's interleague tennis team. After Yeng and i beat Laura P and her partner and moved up a spot on the ladder, our final match, one that would earn us a place on the team, was against May and her partner, Sharon, who would turn out to be my first bully.

Sharon and Maya had been a part of the previous year's team, as Laura and her partner were, so we knew this could be a tough match. Yeng and I easily took the first set and then lost the second, pushing us into a deciding third set. During the 10 minute break after set two, I needed to wash my glasses, so walked over to the women's bathroom.

Up until then, i was still anxious each time I walked into the bathroom, wondering if any one would out me or challenge me, so i'd normally do my business and get out asap. As i approached the faucet, i saw Sharon and Maya standing there talking, but as soon as they saw me, they exited quickly. I cleaned my glasses and walked back to the court for set three.

Which we won easily, placing Yeng and I as Line five for the team. We were elated.

Retribution would come quickly though, as Sharon began a campaign to encourage women to leave the club and play for another team. My blogs from the time are a remnant of the depression i experienced at that time. Eventually, Sharon and Maya would join a sister club of ours in another city, also line five, meaning Yeng and I would be playing them during the season.

Yeng and beat Sharon and Maya during each of our three matches. Sharon, of course, was cold to us, but Maya, who i later learned is rather progressive and easy going, was approachable, so after the season ended, I reached out to her, began chatting, and eventually shared a lunch together.

Which was so unlike <deadname> at that time. However, by reaching out, i gained a new friend. Maya has been my guest at all three of my Friendsgivings.

During one of my conversations with her during the 2022 Friendsgiving, Maya expressed interest in flying with me, which pleased me to no end. Her only available day each week is Thursdays, so i began looking for wonderful weather to fly. I never really did find a great day, and by late May, I had stopped flying the Cessna 150.

Then we bought the Tiger and everything changed. Because of weather, it took some time to find windows for my instructor and i to fly, so i could be checked out in the Tiger, but I finally was before Christmas. Now, i was more enthusiastic about finding the perfect Thursday for her.

Which turned out to be January 11th, the only perfectly sunny day that was surrounded by rain on the other sides. When i texted her early in the week, Maya was entirely enthusiastic, even going out to buy airplane earrings. She's adorable, and they type of woman I wish i'd been when i was young.

Now, Maya lives about 30 minutes east of me on a ranchette, fostering a variety of animals. It's really a chore for her to drive to my airport, but since she lives close to another airport, about a 10 minute flight away, i picked her up there.

She had a marvelous time, as the pictures will attest. On the way home, she asked if I could circle around her ranchette so she could take a few pictures before landing.

Of course, Nora was slightly jealous because i'd really wanted her to be my first passenger, but she was working that day. Nora and will go up as soon as our flap switch is repaired.

It was a wonderful day to fly.

(https://i.imgur.com/Cwox2BD.jpeg)  (https://i.imgur.com/dBuQRRV.jpeg)

(https://i.imgur.com/grfjYRj.jpeg)

Onward,

Laura

Sometimes, when there is a strong crosswind, I use 50% flaps or no flaps at all and come in faster.  Flaps can make a strong crosswind harder to handle. And, our runways are plenty long.   

Nice pictures.  You both look like you are having a great time. 

March 19, 2024

It's spring and while i've been absent here for six weeks, I've so many stories to tell.
It's spring, my favorite season and a perfect time to fly as the world wakes up from a cold and wet winter. 73F today.

So, where to start? I'm going to work backwards.

Kay's Birthday / Korean Spa Version

About three weeks ago, Trinh texted, inviting me to participate in a spa day with her and Kay. Apparently, last year, for Trinh's birthday, Kay took her to the same location in the Bay Area, about an hour from here, and they had a grand time.

Note that i'm going to be using exact quotes from our texts because i'm still a bit dazed.

I'd met Kay a little over a year ago, not getting to know Trinh for many months after. In the beginning, she'd attendi my Saturday doubles group during which we'd find time to talk a bit, definitely a slow beginning to a friendship. Nora would say that this is the best way for friendships to develop, that a too quick start to "best friends" is also the path to a quick ending, as it was with Yeng's friendship.However, i'm not good with slow so there were plenty of times i really wondered if anything would develop between the three of us.

It slowly did, although it wasn't until last fall that i began receiving invitations to attend her group parties at her house, a small band of friends who get together to eat and play games.

For some time, i wondered if all this was real, that these people actually liked my company and wanted to include me. During the last year or so, this group goes on adventures together, renting an AirBnB somewhere and spending a weekend together. I've yet to be included in these which led to my questioning whether I was really part of the group, I was still wondering in my year end post.

Several events seemed to confirm that Kay and Trinh really liked me and wanted me to be a part of their adventures. The first came about seven weeks ago when Trinh, who had become obsessed with TikToK dancing videos, asked Kay and me to take dance lessons. After some searching, we found a dance teacher and signed up for four lessons, all to help us learn a routine she'd found on TikTock.

Now, i've been scared of dancing my entire life, but because i'm doing my best to say "yes", i went along. The first lesson was a bit terrifying to me, but Trinh took me under her wing and slowly helped me learn the first steps.

In all, it was a fun experience with them.

And then three weeks ago, Trinh sent the following:
Hi girlfriend! Kay's bday is 4/16 and she would like to go to a Korean Spa for a massage and scrub down.
We went for my bday last year and they have you go in naked or bikini.
You get in the hot tub and/or sauna . Make one side, female the other side.
I'd like to take her back but wanted to see how you can join us?
Are you comfortable if we all wear bikini's.
But if you get a scrub down, do you want to do that or skip that or go to which side?
Is it all too much to navigate?
What do you think?

My reply: "My mind just exploded"

She followed with:
So, how will this go down? First time for you and us with you.
When they scrub us down, they go to the crotch. Lift your leg while you lie on your side and literally scrub you right up to your genital and anus.
I don't know if they've had any transgender ladies even.
But if not, would you like to go with us to just the spa, sauna and you can maybe do a facial while Kay & I get the scrub down?
What do you prefer?

You see where this is going, yes? My mind was swimming at this point.

Me:
Something to consider. Because I've transitioned so late in life, I really don't pass and it's common to be stared at every time I'm out. How would the other women in the spa react once they've seen me? Would that create a stressful experience for you and Kay on her special day?  I'm just thinking this out.


Trinh:
The scrub down room is male & female at opposite ends of building.
But on the female side, the scrub rooms are all open and you get placed at whatever bed. There's one private in the end but the scrubber places us at whatever opens first. When they lift your leg, there is no way that they will not notice what you're tucking.
How should we prepare for this?
If I ask them tomorrow:
1) they may not approve  b/c they don't know what to do.
So, maybe we should just keep it quiet and you join us in the hot tub & sauna only. Then you get a dry massage without getting a violated scrub down?

About a week later, as we were discussing Spa Day in a group text, i tried to gracefully back out:
I have some thoughts. First, i'm touched to be included in Kay's BD celebration and a special spa day with all of you.

Trinh had previously invited me and shared some of the details of what happens at the spa, beginning with a sauna or hot tub followed by a full body massage. She shared that you chose to go naked last time and gave details about the crotch wash.

Now, i've not had GCS (bottom surgery), so exposing that part of me is a bridge too far, so i was thinking about wearing a one piece bathing suit (which old gals like me would wear), but drawing it down to my hips during a massage, telling the attendant to avoid my crotch. I don't really care if you see my boobs. At the time, Trinh was talking about you guys wearing bikinis.

However, this experience is all about Kay, not me, and the last thing i'd want is to make any of you uncomfortable in my presence. I don't care if you're naked but i'm happy to do something else if you might feel any discomfort or embarrassment in my presence. Like i said, this is about Kay.

I'd love to participate particularly if we'll be gossiping during the massage season, but i'm ok doing something else during that portion of our session..

They wouldn't have it, suggesting that I wear a full swim suit for the sauna / hot tub and then they'd be nude for their massage and i'd get a "dry massage" wearing my suit.

Curious, i went to the spa's web site which mentioned that no swim suits were allowed in the sauna or hot tub.

Oh.

At this point, it's still several weeks until Spa Day, but my anxiety is growing to the point where i can't see this happening. I love them both, but this is about Kay's birthday, and i'm afraid my presence will make it more about me.

To be continued.

Laura

Hi Laura

Nice to hear from you again, when you tell us what is going on in your life it's really appreciated, especially when you describe your love of flying.  Thank you.

A couple of years before I changed my life around, on weekends I would travel to a place where one could learn to fly gliders (Blaniks) and Parachute, never told my mum as she would have a fit.

I eventually got my gliders and parachute licenses.  These were the days that I lived my life to the fullest and I loved it so much.  I lost those licenses, when I left my family and friends behind.  Those are cherished memories of my past and they remain with me to this day.

I have not mentioned these in my previous posts on Susan' one day soon I will as I have a few others.

Thank you posting those stories.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B

Thank you for stopping by, @Sarah B.

While I earned my PPL when I was 17, I quit flying when I was 21 or 22, deciding to focus on my studies and career. As soon as I retired, I studied all the changes that had take place, updated my pilot's license with the FAA (plastic now instead of paper), and began lessons to essentially get my biannual.

So, it's highly likely your glider endorsement is still active. check the FAA web site. it's never too late to get back to it.

Laura

Hi Laura

Thank you for your reply

Quote from: LauraE on March 19, 2024, 09:51:17 PM Thank you for stopping by, @Sarah B.

While I earned my PPL when I was 17, I quit flying when I was 21 or 22, deciding to focus on my studies and career. As soon as I retired, I studied all the changes that had take place, updated my pilot's license with the FAA (plastic now instead of paper), and began lessons to essentially get my biannual.

So, it's highly likely your glider endorsement is still active. check the FAA web site. it's never too late to get back to it.

Laura

I got my glider license when I was about 26 years old and I obviously stopped in late 1988.  However, I live in Australia so I cannot consult the FAA! Since you mentioned the FAA, it gave me food for thought.

I would have to contact the "Civil Aviation Safety Authoriy (CASA) and or the Gliding Federation of Australia (GPA) and maybe I'm still on the books after 39 years!!

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
PS Forgotten to mention, Beautiful Pictures love them.