Happy birthday Laura!

Chrissy

Happy birthday my dearXXX

September 19, 2024

It was the Worst of Times and the Worst of Times

Just a few months ago, this year was looking to be the best one of my life. Everything had come together: my weight loss, convincing Nora to be my partner on the ladies team, and a wonderful friendship with Kay and Trinh, one i'd dreamed of having all my life.

Now, it appears that 2024 will be the worst year of my life. How did i get here?

Well, it begins with my own insecurity, something ingrained from my childhood, and while i'd gained plenty of confidence, self-doubt is never far away. That's how my downfall began. I was deeply hurt to be excluded my my former teammates, people i'd thought of as friends, and that insecurity crept into my head regarding Kay's friendship with me.. Once broached the topic, our distance seemed to grow like a snowball gaing speed and dimensions as it rolled downhill. Below are my writings and texts from the last few weeks.  It's not pretty.

September 3, 2024
I'm at home, falling down the rabbit hole. Know this. I love you and Trinh like family and your friendship has meant so much to me. I understand you don't share how you feel about people, but that only made things worse for me. Telling me I depend on you too much and that I should make new friends only adds to my insecurity that you'd rather not have me around, which I feel disgusts you.  Without your positive affirmations, I feel that perhaps I only get invited because you feel sorry for me and I can't bear that.  Yes, your actions mean something, but I just needed confirmation that you enjoy having me in your life.  That our friendship means something to you. 
—--

Privately I feel
I am sad beyond compare. The one friendship i'd worked hard to earn, a friendship i'd dreamed of all my life, was just an illusion. I thought we were close and all i needed Kay to confirm was that she also felt close to me. She couldn't and all i can assume is that i was just a pity friend, someone who gets invited because she feels sorry for me. Telling me i depend on her too much and that I should seek new friends is one way of telling me to go away.

The funny thing is that just last week, after i told her she's a role model for me, she shared that other people have said the same thing to her. She said she liked that, and that she too had an ego.

As do we all. All i needed was to hear something nice from her. I needed confirmation that was wasn't a pity friend, but one she feels close to.

I am destroyed, alone, and lost.

And i will miss you both.


Sept 4, 2024
Kay Responds to my Text
good morning! I'm sorry I took a minute to return your text. I must admit, I was taken back for a bit. at the moment, I felt somewhat attacked, and I was not used to that feeling where I didn't do anything wrong, but I had to defend myself somehow. Of all the times that we have spent together should clearly tell you how much I value our friendship. I may not be, as verbal as you are, but we are  different in so many ways. It would break my heart if we're not friends anymore. Life is so fragile, I think learning to enjoy little moments is the best part of it. I was really looking forward to spending this Saturday with you and Trinh and made plans for us. I hope that you will still consider celebrating with us.

My response to her reply.
I have spent the last 12 hours crying  , feeling that you were pushing me away and that you didn't want me in your life. I wasn't attacking you last night. I was desperate for some kind of confirmation that we are friends. I was afraid that maybe you only had pity on me and That's why I get invited. When you told me, I depend too much on you and that  I shouldseek new friends, it felt like you were pushing me away. I have been so depressed. This is because I have been feeling insecure, and I was worried that perhaps you didn't feel close to me.

I came to you last night because I'm trying to learn from the mistakes I made with Nora. That if something is bothering me, I should address it directly. You scared me last night. The look on your face told me you were disgusted with me I felt like my world was crashing down.

I'm not Debbie or Trinh. There are times when I need affirmation., The same way you feel when people tell you they admire you. I also have an ego that needs to be stroked sometimes.

Of course we are different from each other. I think that's the secret sauce of our friendship. We each bring something to the table. I wish you had told me last night what you told me in your text. That is all I needed from you. Some affirmation That you love having me in your life. It's gonna take me a day or two to climb out of the rabbit hole but I will be ready to spend my birthday with you and Trinh. Thank you.


Text frm Kay, 9/5/24
sorry I couldn't call yesterday. things are a bit crazy for me. Also, not sure if I have much to say. Everything was fine until you brought up issues with me.  I'm feeling a bit puzzled and accused. No words right now. a little numb. Anyhow, moving forward, let's try to go back to normal.

My reply back to her
I don't know what i did or said to make you feel accused, because you've always been someone i look up to. I listen intently when you talk so i can understand you better. Faults and all, i love  you like a sister.

I hate communicating by text because you lose all nuance. I think what happened tuesday is that you came into the conversation thinking i was going to attack you, so instead of listening to me to understand, you listened to reply. I don't think you realized what was in my head until you read my text later. I loved your reply and that's all i was looking for Tuesday night.

I don't want to be like the person i was and i don't want to hold things in until i explode later. I'm trying to be a better person.

I'm depressed and two things you said are hurting. You told me i should go out and find new friends and then you said that i rely too much on you. The more i though about those two comments,, the more if felt like you were pushing me away. It confused me and i was beginning to feel like you were avoiding me.

So, i only wanted to talk by phone so i could understand what you told me, that  should either depend on you less and hang around less often if that's what you desire, or understand what you really meant.

I beg you. Please talk to me. I can't get out of this hole until i resolve this.

She called the next day and things only got worse between us. Out came a list of grievances about me and I could feel her anger growing as she talked. My birthday was coming up and we were going to spend the day together, but after her talk, I felt my birthday would be more of a funeral than a celebration.

And thus began the cold freeze that is our relationship now.
------

There is much more to write and I will post shortly.

Laura

Sept 19, 2024 Part 2

Of the many stories i've yet to share here is one about my house remodel. As i write, workmen are here for a second day installing floor tile and the house is coming alive with possibilities.

I've always hated my kitchen and particularly the flooring, a dark slate tile that's difficult to clean and makes the rooms feel smaller. About six months ago, Kay suggested to Trinh and I that we share the party duties, rotating between our houses for group get togethers once a month for dinner and games.

Inspired by the kitchens i'd seen in Kay's and Trinh's houses, i decided to go all in, replacing all the cabinets and flooring, adding new cabinets to the dining room, building a matching cabinet in the downstairs bath. It's not been a cheap project.

Tear out began five weeks ago and with the flooring installation, i can see the finish line. I'll post pictures and tell the whole story another time.

Of course, now i'll have a kitchen and house perfect for entertaining, but with no one to invite over.   

And now for more of the drama that is my life.

It Was the Worst of Times, Part 2
Sept 9, 2024
I'm afraid to text her anything since she's angry at me. Waiting for her to initiate since she said i was depending on her too much. Yet, i've only said yes when she invites. I thought close friends texted each other, as she does with Trinh, but i'm afraid of initiating contact. No idea whether the Oct trip to LA is still on, or if i'm still invited. Don't know if they'll still want to attend Hair on the 22nd, I'll wait for signals this week and then ping them later this week or weekend.
I"m soon to have a brand new kitchen perfect for entertaining, but it's possible i'll have no one to invite. It's hard to make new friends at my age, and the women at the club have distanced them selves from me.
No text about working out. Appears she didn't work out either. Unusual.

Sept 10
I sent Kay an invitation to play in my Saturday group. She never replied but her husband did much later saying they couldn't play. The first time ever.

Normally I play in Kay's Tuesday/Thursday tennis group and she has a text group for notifying people about when she'll be at the Union Rd Courts. I did not receive notice today so I'm assuming (correctly) I'm not on the invite list anymore.

I never anticipated our friendship could end and i wonder how close we really were if one mistake by me would end it. I had no idea she would react the way she did when i asked how she felt about our friendship. Her comments to find new friends and not rely on her as much had the effect of pushing me away, which is why i've been laying low, hoping she'd cool off,, forgive me, and reach out. I've been afraid to text her, but wanted to make sure i reached out to invite her to my Satturday doubles group. No reply from her was hurtful, as is my exclusion from her Tuesday/thusday tennis groups.

Kay was not just a close friend, but also a role model for me as i continue to learn how to be the best me. Losing that hurts. I've no idea how i could have relied too much on her, when all i've ever done is to say yes to her invitations.


Apology to Kay Sent 9/12/24
Knowing how angry you were with me, i've laid low since our talk, hoping you'd reach out so i could begin to repair the damage i've caused. I'm truly sorry that i made you feel attacked when we talked. That was never my intention and i apologize that i upset you. I am an incomplete woman who makes mistakes. I had hoped that you would forgive me.

I know how much work you went to to make my birthday special and i was looking forward to spending the day with my two best friends as well as finding a few new pieces for my wardrobe. I've spent every birthday and holiday alone the past 10 years, so i was really looking forward to the day. During our talk last Thursday, i could feel your anger towards me and it felt like you were pushing me away. Reflecting on it afterwards, it felt like my birthday would feel more like a funeral than a celebration.  That actually happened to me before and my birthday that year was particularly depressing.

You worked so hard to make me feel special so i'm sorry i ruined your plans.

Not hearing from you or being invited to your Tuesday/Thursday tennis group tells me you are either very angry at me and need time, or that you've decided to end our friendship. I hope that's not true but this silence feels more like the latter is happening. 

I wish there was some way i could earn your forgiveness but your silence tells me you no longer want to be friends.. If i'm wrong, please accept my apology, forgive me, and tell me how I can make amends.

If it's over, I'm sorry that it ended this way. I've always said that you're a role model for me and that you're like the sister I never had.. I've appreciated all the ways you helped me become a better woman and all the times we shared during our workouts. LIttle things like helping me select clothes that look good on me, or taking me to get my nails done meant so much to me. I was always learning from you, and had so much fun on our adventures. My weight loss happened because of our friendship, your advice, and your encouragement.

I will miss you, your family, and Trinh. You've all felt like family to me and i will miss that feeling  most of all. I won't bother you again, but in leaving, I thank you for the wonderful year we were friends, and i wish you nothing but happiness in the future.

Sept 13, 2024
One day after sending apology to Kay and asking for a second chance, she texted this:
"Good morning. I think time will help us heal. In the meantime, you are more than welcome to join us for tennis. Hopefully, I will see you at BAC as well from time to time. "

She's cracked the door open just a bit, telling me to give her time. She will allow me to play in her Tuesday/thursday group, and she wouldn't object to running into me at the club. Left unsaid, but which can be assumed, is that this is all I get for now, that I shouldn't text her about meeting up for exercise, share what i'm up to by text, or expect to be invited to anything else, whether it's group get togethers, lunches, or their trip to Universal Studios.  I'm relegated to the lowest level of friend, and it will be my job to be patient, to give her time, and to wait for her to invite me to the next level. How much time? It could be a few weeks, a few months, or never. Time will tell.

Yet, the door is not shut regarding becoming close friends again. I'll have to be patient.

What's up in the air is whether she'll still want to attend the musical Hair with me and Trinh on the 22nd. I'd purchased tickets last month as we planned to drive up early for lunch before attending the musical. I'll wait a few days before asking if she's still interested, but if she's not, i'll understand that she needs more time before doing things with me.

(note: she didn't.)

More later.

Laura

Sept 19,2024 evening

I arrived at Thrusday tennis at 6 and began hitting with Marcos and Dave. Kay showed up about 10 minutes later. Instead of crossing through our court, or even playing on our court, she walked around the complex to reach the court next to us. She didn't acknowledge me so i called out "Hi Kay." she replied, "hey."

The entire evening she was happy and talking to the others. I didn't exist to her or Paul. While i thought time would heal our rift, i'm beginning to think that there is no hope for reconciliation. If she can't even show me the slightest of gestures, any simple kindness, if she avoids me on purpose, I should stop trying. I'll continue playing in her group when i have time, but i'll stop paying attention to her unless she initiates.  She'll never be friends with me again. That much i'm certain, so it's best not to try.

Kay was my best friend and my own insecurity led to this point. This is the worst year of my life.

Sept 20, 2024
With all the depressing news, i thought i'd share a FB post from last week.


Today's magic word is 30. No, i've not pulled a Benjamin Button although it would have been nice to have been Laura then.

No, 30 is how much weight i've lost the last six months, and i'm the lightest i've been since the 1970s.  I originally began this journey so i could be a better tennis partner and help Team Fire win more matches. Things didn't turn out as planned, but i'm incredibly happy and i look marvelous in my new clothes.

How did i do it? No artificial additives here. I did cardio three times a week (not including tennis), and altered my diet to have fewer carbs, more protein, and better portion control, eating fruit when i needed a snack.
It's a lifestyle change i'm happy with..
—-------

The sad part is that i began this journey because of Kay. She joined the tennis club last March and asked me to work out with her. Over the next six months, we'd work out together three times  a week, often coordinating the time so we could both be present. My favorite parts of these days was the time we spent doing floor exercises where we'd often share deeply. I'll miss those days most of all.

Be friendly dear as you never know what might happen, a smile and a wave goes a long way.

Quote from: davina61 on September 20, 2024, 12:44:54 PMBe friendly dear as you never know what might happen, a smile and a wave goes a long way.

That is good advice, Davina.

 I agree with Davina. You never know what may happen in the future. I agree to at least be friendly to her and you never know in time. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: davina61 on September 20, 2024, 12:44:54 PMBe friendly dear as you never know what might happen, a smile and a wave goes a long way.

Sept 22, 2024


Processing the Stages

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance: These are the stages of grief i'm processing right now.

Besides remodeling my kitchen and bathroom, I added cabinets to my dining room and chose new tile throughout the downstairs of my house to the tune of 650sf. It took three days to install the tile and workers return tomorrow to grout and reinstall the baseboard. During the next few days, the dishwasher and sink will be connected and a new stove and refrigerator will be delivered.

I've built the perfect kitchen for me and for guests i invite over and i was so excited about this December's Friendsgiving. It's sad to have this great space and no friends to invite over. I process this sadness every day. Making friends is difficult when you're trans and while i'll start over, I don't know if i'll ever be able to create a new family again, at least not one i loved as much as Kay's group..

I never entertained Denial and Anger in my grieving process. I think i knew that day that our friendship was over, that i'd unintentionally poked the bear, one who is unforgiving and angry herself.

I'd seen that anger before and this experience actually connects a few dots about Kay that had left me confused the past six months. Like all close friends, Kay and I shared everything about ourselves, but obviously i'd not learned of the story that was most important, the one where she is unable to express feelings for others. It made sense though.


Several months ago, we were discussing Debbie, a neighbor who had been a close friend of hers, but drifted away after her husband retired. I empathized  with her, asking if it made her sad that her friend had drifted away. She replied that it didn't, but that it bothered her. Now, Sad and Bothered are feelings on two different spectrums. One relates to depression and the other is connected to anger. How could Kay not feel sad at losing a close friend? This confused me until the truth came out during our final meeting.
Kay had told me that she never tells people how she feels and that this was connected to her childhood. Now i wonder if her incredible temper is also connected.

I'd only seen Kay angry once before, last July while we were driving back from her son's graduation. Her husband, Paul, is an introvert like me who tends to hold his feelings in until they explode outward. He'd been feeling ignored, particularly because Kay had been spending so much time looking for a gift for her next door neighbor who had taken care of their dog while they were in Hawaii. Paul felt both ignored and jealous so when he made an angry comment to her, Kay went ballistic. For a week afterwards, Kay kept wondering if she wanted to stay in the marriage, her anger so palpable that it both scared me and reminded me of the wars enacting between my mother and stepfather when i was young,

Eventually, they had a heart to heart, Paul apologized, and things returned to normal. Later, ,Kay told me that she'd realized she overreacted. This prompted my comment that Kay sometimes fires before she aims, that she doesn't really listen before she reacts, which is exactly what happened between Kay and myself.

I had approached Kay because i was feeling insecure, hoping Kay woud tell me what a wonderful friend i was. Instead, she felt both insulted and accused. Her anger towards me was so obvious that i sensed i'd pushed a button that I didn't know existed, one that should never be pushed.
But it was too late. Even after my lengthy apology to her, the die had been cast. While she did reply that she thought things would improve between us in time, the reality is that she ignores me, treating me as if i were invisible when we're in the same space.  And this is why I never had to deal with Denial, Anger, or Bargaining. I'm prepared to be friendly, but in my heart, i know she'll never forgive me, even though her anger is part of the problem.

So, i'm alternating between Depression and Acceptance. I'm often sad because i've lost the one friendship i'd always dreamed of, a friend so close she felt like family. Now, i've lost her and her group. I've no friends, no one to invite over to enjoy my remodeled house, to share a meal, to play games, or to travel with.

Meanwhile, there's much to do before the house is put back together. Once that's done, i have a bunch of NY Times recipes i'm going to try incase i do make friends in the future. I will survive this, but with a hole in my heart from this loss. They were my found family and now they're gone.


Onward,


Laura

Sept 25, 2024

I'm not playing in Kay's group this week because i'm focused on the final few tasks for my remodel. I thought also that giving us a bit more space might help.

I reached out to Trinh
"Do you have any advice for me? I wish Kay would forgive me so we could be friends again, but it feels like I should just stop hoping things will change."


She replied
"I think maybe just be acquaintances like when you guys first met. No expectations and no special treatments. Maybe a new cordial friendship might come about with time. "

Trinh and Kay are close friends too, so certainly they've talked about me. Trinh's message tells me that Kay is done with me, that there's no space in her heart to forgive me and become friends again, counter to the text she sent me two weeks ago. This is what i'd deduced anyway.

I wrote back to Trinh:
"Thank you, Trinh. Best for me to give up. this is incredible punishment for my mistake. Maybe someday things will get a little better, but I have no hope for the future. You guys felt like family. This be the first year I won't have Friendsgiving, because I have no one to invite. Time for me to move on because hoping hurts too much"


Trinh's advice is that I not approach Kay, nor try to engage her in any way, that, at best, we might become acquaintances some day. I will continue to play in her group from time to time, although she's removed me from her invite list. She's stopped playing in my Saturday group, so i won't invite her again until things improve, which won't happen either.

I've lost my found family over my own insecurity. I never anticipated that i was pushing a button that should never be touched, that she would never forgive me as she did her husband after getting mad at him. I am alone again, with no friends.

Laura,

That is most heartbreaking for sure but it is not the end of the world. Use it as an opportunity for a fresh start.

When I divorced wife #3 and moved to South Dakota, I didn't know a single person here. I wondered what kind of person am I and that not a single soul volunteered to come with me, including a spouse that I had lived with for almost 12 years.

I viewed it as a time for a fresh start. Time to work on ME and to hell with the rest of the world. Then I met one of my neighbors and we have become best friends ever since. I met her friends, then friends of friends, and then developed my own circle of friends and neighbors.

I joined Susan's Place and met so many more wonderful people, you included. We are never alone for long. Sometimes that is not a good thing,  but usually, it is. We make our own community by choosing our allies and who will be a part of our circle. Those who are unsupportive, unkind, or bring only negativity stay out. We don't need more pain in our lives.

I hope that things will swing your way soon. There is a reason that the rearview mirror in your car is smaller than the windshield. It is because you are not going that way! Keep moving forward, only occasionally looking behind you. If no one is following, then so be it. Your adventure lies ahead. Never forget that.

Hugs!

October 7, 2024


I've so many new stories to tell, including an update to the Kay saga, but today I just want to share my experience at a concert last Friday night.

Laura Attends a Concert

My musical tastes are varied and my music collection is fairly huge, buying 6-8 albums each year. In the past few years, i've fallen in love with several groups from the Electronic Dance Music (EDM) genre. My first discovery was M83 and i attended their concert in Oakland last year, loving every moment of the experience. Last June, i found Justice, a French EDM group whose new album was full of joy and great songs. So, when i learned they were performing in California, i had to go see them.

Justice played at the Hollywood Bowl, about a seven hour drive from my house,, so i reserved both a hotel room and a ticket to the shuttle that would take me to the stadium which holds 17K people and is built into the side of a mountain. It's a magnificent outdoor venue.

I arrived early to thoroughly enjoy the experience and luckily the couple next to me arrived at the same time. We struck up a conversation and continued to chat during the concert.  Now, the majority of the crowd was in their 20s and 30s and i was clearly the oldest person there. It didn't matter. The entire evening was a joyous experience.

Once the concert began, everyone stood up, and we spent the next few hours dancing, laughing, singing, and hugging. This is one of the experiences I longed for for decades, but was afraid. No one stared. No one cared I was Trans.  there was enough joy for everyone. I sat next to a wonderful couple, Sebastian and Tonya, and we spent the night talking and sharing. I felt so alive and accepted.


The happiest moment of the set was a song i'd never heard before and immediately, the entire crowd began singing along. The lyrics are simple, "We are your friend. You will never be alone again." As they sang, i looked around me, up into the crowd and all around, and everyone was not only singing, their expression of joy was obvious.


It was a marvelous evening.

Laura, that sounds wonderful!

I am a fan of EDM as well. I am picky about my music, but got into it through an online club that hosted "virtual" dance parties. It is hard to sit still with a good beat going. 

October 7, 2024, Part Two

Will and Harper
I've often told Kay, "You don't want to know what's in my head," when we're talking about my trans experience. And then I watched Netflix's Will and Harper. Now, i've not been following the threads here at Susans, but i'd expect that there's been quite a discussion about the documentary.

As for me, I AM Harper. She and I both transitioned later in life, with her transitioning in her 50s and me in my 60s. However, EVERY word she says, I've said. EVERY feeling she had, i've had. As i realized that these are the EXACT feelings i've referred to when saying, "you don't want to know what's in my head," I realized this could be a learning experience for my friends.

I shared this post on FaceBook
With all the misinformation about those of us who have transitioned, Netflix's documentary, Will and Harper, offers a candid and honest look at what we've all faced during our journey to authenticity. Everything Harper has experienced and felt echoes my own experience including both the joy of finally being ourselves countered by the fear, anxiety and self hate that permeates below the surface. Give it a look.


Several friends did watch and i had productive conversations with them. While I know Kay subscribes to Netflix, I couldn't reach out to ask her to watch, because she's been distant and she's not reached out, nor communicated with me in any way for a month. Our friendship grows weaker by the day, and i'm beginning not to care whether things improve.


What I hoped Kay would learn is that in the back of my head, are all the fears that Harper expressed, and that sometimes, something triggers them and they come to the forefront where they can spiral and drag me into the rabbit hole, which is exactly what happened before our friendship ended. What i needed from her was empathy and reassurance that we were close friends. I wanted a verbal hug but what i got was anger as she pushed me away.


And yet, i'm the one who's been apologizing, hoping to mend the friendship.


I have more news about Kay in the next post.


Laura

October 7, 2024. Part Three

Second Apology

I spent a week writing a new apology to kay, but knowing i can't text, nor talk to her, i decided to ask Trinh to be my proxy. Below is my text to her along with a letter i asked her to share with Kay.

Text to Trinh
Dear Trinh,

The carpets have been cleaned, the dishes washed and put away, and the house now looks amazing, thanks to you and Kay. i've attached a few pictures, although i had hoped you all could see this in person. I'm looking forward to my first dinner party in two weeks and i've been playing with different recipes which has been fun.  I wish i could invite you and Albert, but i'd never want to cause you a problem.

I can't send my thanks to Kay because she doesn't want me to engage her, and frankly i'm afraid to talk to her or text her. I owe her more than she knows, so I hope you would do me a favor and share the message below and the pictures with Kay?

I"d appreciate if you would forward the pictures and note below to Kay. Thanks.
—-------

A few days later, Trinh played in Kay's tennis group and shared my letter.

Apology to Kay

Dear Kay,

I wish you could see the kitchen you helped me design. Without your advice and encouragement, this project never would have started. The remodel turned out far better than I ever imagined and my house feels so open and welcoming now. I've asked Trinh to share a few pictures.

I'm so sorry I let my insecurity drive you away.  Everything you said and did the past year told me we were close friends, and yet i let my insecurity spiral into a dark place, one where I questioned whether anyone liked me, I was wrong. Hurting you, making you feel accused, and earning your disappointment are my biggest regrets. I screwed up spectacularly and hurt my best friend, I would do anything to repair the damage i caused. I let my emotions get the better of me and it ruined our friendship. I am terribly sorry and I do hope someday you will forgive me.

I'm thankful for the year we were friends and i'm a better person because of you. When you asked to be my emergency contact, I was touched that you cared, but a simple gesture, like taking me with you to do our nails meant just as much. I'm also thankful that you asked me to exercise with you. Because of your encouragement and advice, i was able to lose 30 pounds and i reached my goal weight a few weeks ago. You've given me a lifestyle i can live with and i thank you for that. I will miss spending time with you, your family, and your friends.


Kay's Response (sent to me the following day)

Hello! I read the text message that you sent with Trinh. I'm honored n touched. I don't know if you believe it, but I do believe time heals all things.  In the meantime, I think it's best if we can gradually reconnect and perhaps one day things will restore itself.  I have always been a half full kind of person and have always felt that our friendship would blossom. Let's take it one day at a time.
btw, your kitchen looks amazing!!!

My Thoughts
I spent most of September fairly depressed over Kay's silent treatment and anger and i doubt she realizes how much she hurt me. And yet, i've reached out and apologized to her, twice. Her note to me afterwards does open the door, but when i attended her group last week, we didn't talk. She didn't avoid eye contact like before, but we didn't talk.

Frankly, i miss kay, her family, and her group. Still, every week that goes by without things improving moves me more in the column that says, "I don't care if we're friends anymore. I don't deserve to be treated this way."

I have no close friends anymore and it will take months and much work to even find people who might make good friends, so i've begun the search. My first dinner party is on the 19th. I've invited my causal friend Maya and her family and Nina, a new potential friend. That's a start because i don't think things will ever be the same between Kay and myself.

Onward,

Laura

Quote from: LauraE on September 03, 2024, 10:00:34 PMI began to question everything about friendship, wondering how Kay felt about me. I've told her often how much her friendship means to me, but i've never received any validations from her, adding to my insecurity.

I read an account of an international negotiation once. The meeting was in a big room and two countries were involved. Culturally, the delegates from one country were free with their emotions, but liked to keep personal space around themselves. Meanwhile the delegates from the other country were brought up to keep their emotions to themselves and that you needed to stand close to people to communicate meaningfully.

The conference descended into chaos because the first country's delegates were forever walking backward as the second country's lot moved in on them. Occasionally someone would fall over a potted plant and everyone would apologise, but no agreement was ever reached.

Next time round they shared their feelings about what was happening beforehand, then sat down at a table with a width which was the best compromise they could get on personal distance. They got the deal over the line.

It sounds like you're saying Kay holds her emotions close and when they release, pushes people back to preserve her space - which can be problematic in her relationships, while you question and sometimes test people's love and friendship for you - which can be problematic in your relationships because you sometimes try to hold people too close.

Is that how you see it? Or am I way off beam? If it is how you see it, there is a path through the forest.

October 12, 2024

Thank you @Tanya for sharing. Kay's situation and my emotions are certainly complicated.

Kay does have trouble expressing her feelings for friends, something i was unaware of until i pushed the wrong button and she exploded. One of the comments she made during her tirade to me was that she never shares her feelings for friends and this was related to her youth. Kay was born in Laos, left at six to live in a refugee camp in Thailand, and came to the US when she was 12. Certainly, there's an important story she's not told me and she may be holding it close because of the pain.

However, knowing this limited information connected some confusing dots for me, one that she never watches rom coms, but prefers movies where someone dies. Another was her reaction to another close friend who drifted away. Now, that would make me sad, but Kay said that she wasn't sad, but bothered. I think she may lack empathy, but the weird thing is that in the notes she's written me, she very caring and appreciative. I can't make the connection between the person who can write their feelings but can't say them.

It's been six weeks since "the event" and while i spent the whole of September being depressed, i've reached a point of acceptance where i'll be ok whichever way this goes. I've offered a complete apology, so the ball is essentially in her court. If she'd like to become friends again, she'll have to make a move.

I've gone ahead and put together my first post-remodel party inviting my old friend Maja and her family, my new friend Nina, and Trinh and her boyfriend. Now, i wasn't sure whether to invite Trinh because she's Kay's other close friend and i'd never want to do anything to irritate Kay. Trinh, in turn, invited me to her Friendsgiving in November, but i'm leaning towards not going. I think it would be awkward since Kay would be there and i'd never do anything to harm their friendship. Trinh insists that all will be ok.

So, bring on your advice. I've reached a point where the more time that passes, the less i care that things change between kay and myself. In other news, Kay did play in my Saturday tennis group, the first time since "the event", although i can't say she was friendly. We both said hello but she made no attempt to chat.

Quote from: LauraE on October 12, 2024, 08:01:21 PMKay does have trouble expressing her feelings for friends, something i was unaware of until i pushed the wrong button and she exploded. One of the comments she made during her tirade to me was that she never shares her feelings for friends and this was related to her youth. Kay was born in Laos, left at six to live in a refugee camp in Thailand, and came to the US when she was 12. Certainly, there's an important story she's not told me and she may be holding it close because of the pain.

There is a branch of psychology called attachment theory and it is a powerful tool for understanding why some relationships don't work.

The clue to why your friendship with Kay hit trouble likely lies at least partly in her caution about sharing her feelings. That may be because her childood experience has taught her that when the emotional temperature starts to rise, things go south fast, and so she will raise the barriers the moment it happens to protect herself.

People who have had difficult childhoods can become stressed by any type of emotion, good or bad and will leave their barriers up for a long time. So any approach to her which raises the emotional temperature may be making her feel challenged.

If this is how Kay's attachment works, she may well feel she has sent out strong signals that she is your friend and is loyal to you, but if those signals were below your reception threshold for validating your relationship with her, your subconscious will have deleted them.

So from Kay's POV the failure of you to receive what from her point of view were strong signals will be as inexplicable to her as your perception that the signals she sent were so weak as to be indecipherable.

If this model of how Kay's attachment works, then she would be ill matched to someone like me, because my emotions are out there all the time and resemble flowing lava. She'd find that really hard. But she would find it equally hard if she had had her barriers trigger and then hadn't been able to lest her emotions fall back into her comfort zone through a cooling off period. Which in her case would be a lot longer than yours. Months compared to days, perhaps.

My emotional cooling off period is too short to measure, which isn't a totally good thing either. I would blow someone like Kay up if the accident of my career hadn't helped me work out where the risk lay.

Two questions: Do you find you have a need to validate relationships by testing how strong they are? Second, do you find it hard to believe that someone could be a friend?

October 14, 2024

Well, @Tanya, you've certainly hit the nail on the head. I accept the challenge.

Two questions: Do you find you have a need to validate relationships by testing how strong they are? Second, do you find it hard to believe that someone could be a friend?

OK, so much for my comfort zone.

I'm inherently an insecure person, and there's too little space here to tell all the stories to connect the dots. However, this introvert has done her best the past four years to become a more outgoing woman and to seek friends who are kind and have a sense of humor. The old me didn't have any friends, but i've done my best to reach out to people i sense could be friends. All my friends are people i've reached out to first.

After way too much bullying my first year full-time, i became very cautious with people and i was certain all the women at my tennis club hated me. My first year, this hate was through their actions. However,  last year, when i was again on the tennis team, things seem to have thawed and i thought these women had come around, that they could see my progression, that i was a different person now. Recent events this summer proved me wrong as they again began excluding me from all their play time and parties.

This was my trigger, as my insecurity grew, and i began to question whether anyone really liked me, even Kay. I wondered whether she was just sorry that i was alone. Of course, i was wrong, but when you're triggered, it's hard to think straight and think things through clearly.

I expressed these miscalculations in a long apology to Kay a few weeks ago, and she was touched by my effort.

Now, Kay and her husband Paul are regular players in my Saturday doubles group, but all that stopped after "the event". Each week's invitation was answered by Paul saying they couldn't attend. Then, last Tuesday, it was Kay who responded quickly saying they could come. So, Kay came Saturday and said hello, although she didn't make any effort to converse with me.  I assume that was progress though.

When i relayed my theory about Kay's inability to express emotions to Trinh (Kay's other close friend), and her attendance at Saturday tennis, Trinh said that perhaps just showing up was her way of thawing the ice. I shared how i've worked through the grieving process, spending all of September in depression, i've found acceptance. Kay and i may never be friends again, although the door is cracked open a bit. Trinh urged me to give her until the new year, but confirmed that it was a good thing that i'm making new friends, that it's not necessarily a good thing to have just one close friend.

Trinh is having her Friendsgiving in a few weeks and has invited me. I was initially hesitant because Kay will be there and i don't want things to be awkward, but Trinh urged me to come. I, in turn, will hold a Friendsgiving in December and in a few weeks, when i issue invitations, i'll invite Kay too. The ball will be in her court whether to attend, because i know Trinh will be coming.

Do, do i feel it hard to believe that someone could be a friend?
Frankly, i'm surprised when people like me, even though i'm the one who typically initiates friendships. What i've learned about being a woman is that friendship is something that must constantly be nurtured, that sharing is friendship currency, so with each new friend, i try to do the work. This includes all the reaching out i've done with Trinh the past month. She's also an introvert who doesn't always reach out regularly, so i'm dong my best to be the woman i want to be. My problem, i guess, is that i've been betrayed enough by the women at the club that sometimes i wonder whether a friendship is genuine.

Laura

Quote from: LauraE on October 13, 2024, 10:26:41 PMNow, Kay and her husband Paul are regular players in my Saturday doubles group, but all that stopped after "the event". Each week's invitation was answered by Paul saying they couldn't attend. Then, last Tuesday, it was Kay who responded quickly saying they could come. So, Kay came Saturday and said hello, although she didn't make any effort to converse with me.  I assume that was progress though.

Is it possible that Paul is discouraging your friendship. If he is turning down the invitations, but she accepted... ? Maybe he is pressuring her somehow?

I have no clue because I don't know these people. But that is what I saw in the quoted paragraph.

Hugs!