I'm back from our trip to the U.S. Virgin Islands. Was home for a day, then back out to Virginia for work. Home tomorrow, then catching a plane in the evening for Florida, where I'll stay for a week. But it's time to write about the trip.
The islands (St Thomas and St John) were beautiful but the roads were horrible. Narrow, rutted roads, with potholes, no painted lines, absurdly steep hills and sharp turns, some rock and dirt roads, burros (donkeys), goats and chickens/roosters in/around the roads. It was an adventure in the tiny rental car. Jeeps are the vehicle of choice there but I wasn't able to secure one. Temps were in the low 80s every day and the sun was always bright and hot. Not my kind of conditions, actually, but my partner was very happy about it and we planned to do lots of snorkeling, so conditions were ideal.
And snorkel, we did. We took 7 or 8 day trips to as many beaches. Each was different, with of coral, and little fishes, turtles, stingrays and other critters as constant companions while we explored the clear blue flats adjacent to the white sand beaches. I was careful to apply sunblock at every turn, opting for the zinc-based formula, which is supposedly safer for daily use and was quite effective. My skin only darkened a small amount and there was no sunburn.
I brought my two swim skirts and one of my bikini tops (couldn't locate the second one). I also brought a TomboyX gender-neutral swim tank. It wasn't possible to conceal my breasts with just the tank, so the plan was to wear a compression top beneath it but prior to packing, my partner produced a couple of (women's) swim tops that no longer fit her. One was sort of a tank top but the other was more like a sports bra and was much more modest than the bikini tops I'd bought, which showed a deep cleavage and lots of boob. But the sports top did reveal a decent amount of cleavage. When I saw the number of people at the beaches, I realized I didn't have the courage to wear the bikini, so the TomboyX tank over the sports top was my choice. She also gave me a pair of ladies shorts that were pretty nondescript but I liked the idea that they weren't made for men and I know she knew that when suggesting them. It was a significant gesture, at a time when I'm very unsure of her level of acceptance.
Even with the tank/top combo, my breasts are too large to hide at this point. It was a pretty weak attempt at boymoding. I was pretty nervous when we got to the first beach and it took me a while to summon the nerve to walk to the water. I feel like I was quite a sight: mostly shaved head with a swim cap over it, thin, hairless arms, shaved legs, closely shaved face, with somewhat male features, tall frame, rounded butt. A real gender mutt.
I finally went in the water and it was lovely, of course. For the first time in my life, I floated! It seems that the increase in body fat allows my lower body to float instead of pulling me down like an anchor. This sign of my changing body was thrilling. Coming out of the water was a different story. The small amount of flattening the tank provided disappeared once everything was wet. I trucked out of the water and to our beach chairs and quickly as possible and hid beneath a towel. But despite my fears, I felt an exhilaration. For perhaps the first time in over 40 years, I felt proud of my body. But not proud enough to quell my fear of ridicule or stares.
This worked for several days, as we visited different beaches. It was difficult, but it got slightly easier with each outing. On one occasion, we had a bit of privacy where we were seated, so I pulled the tank off and sat in my chair in the just the sports top. Again, I felt exhilaration, verging on euphoria.
One one occasion, my girlfriend did something that made me so happy: before snorkeling, we put anti-fog drops on our lenses and I was trying to figure out if my shorts pockets would safely hold the little bottle. She grabbed it and said "there's a little pocket right here" as she put it in a little sewn-in pocket in my sports top, in the space between my boobs. It felt like a girl moment between us.
The last beach day was the most intense. I hadn't planned to do it, but after we got settled in, I took my shirt off and I decided to head into the water with just the sports top and shorts, no tank. It was extremely scary. I walked into the water, with people to the left and right of me and kept walking until I was standing in water up to my shoulders. I just stood there for several minutes, my mind racing. I started to feel everything, this whole gender mess I'm in. Thoughts of "what am I?", "why am I like this?", "I don't know how to do this", "this is hard", "I don't want to be this way" and other thoughts popped into my head. I started to weep.
The weeps turned to sobbing. Tears were running down my face. My girlfriend was standing a few feet behind me and asked "are you ok?" I couldn't even speak because I as crying so hard while facing the open water. After a few minutes, I calmed down enough to turn around but found she'd walked back up to our chairs. I hustled back up to the beach with shoulders hunched, arms tight to my side and head down and joined her in our little shady spot in the sand and still couldn't stop crying. She gently suggested I just let my feelings out. She asked what she could do and I whispered "support me" through my sobs. She gently placed her hand on my arm and I cried hard into my towel, the feelings washing over me like the waves of the Caribbean. After some time in the chairs, I found the courage to venture out in that top and felt free and content as I swam around for the next couple of hours.
So...it was hard. The bikini top and swim skirts I bought never made it to the beach. I can't claim that victory. But I made it to the beach and wore female-gendered swimwear. It was really scary, but I did it. Around the rental space, I wore a couple of women's tank tops I own, which is not something I ever do at home. I just love the way I feel and the way my body looks in them. This process is slow for me, but it continues...
