Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm evolving into a serious parent in her late twenties, mind you, one that acts a goofball online (and at karaoke bars), but in real life I'm quite unspectacular.

People talk about HRT making the difference, like it's some magic pill (close!), but that's untrue to a large extent. The impetus for positive change must exist. Simply becoming a woman with the same problems was never (and never will be) my goal, what a blind jump that would be! I needed help being human, being me. What I needed was therapy, what I needed was to open up. Constantly being present and actually working on myself through the early stages of transition has helped me start to become quite the mom (I'm called mom and dad randomly, which is weird).

Don't take this next part wrong, I have no intention of deviating from total transition: Sure I get tons of compliments and I have never been outed in moments of confidence, but I don't need as much of a crutch now. I've taken permanent steps to snatch my identity away from the grip of self ruin and I've begun leveling out. The most valuable thing that part time living taught me has been confidence, and also that it's okay to work towards SRS. There is a weird feminine / pseudo andro meeting place of the "male" and female existences I exercise, and every completion of one of my many goals, every moment of clarity like the one I'm having right now results in a stronger me. I feel like a human being now (I swear I do!), and I can clearly see where this is headed. Today when I asked about SRS my therapist told me that getting a letter in the future would be easier than getting on HRT. That was the news part, it was both odd and an incredible relief.

Those of you who don't know me very well must know that I'm a scientist by education, a writer at heart, and a nut in general. I'm making progress, the price was steep, and I did not willingly pay it. A brief battle with alcoholism, hypocritical religious belief, eating problems, depression, infliction of self harm, total exhaustion... all a 14 year long active battle; the result of me trying to cure who I am.

So in a cool twist of fate I'm becoming more "normal" as I become an oddity to society, so what. I have my goal, the path is clear, and I am a better parent / human being for this. I wish I had the means to fill you in on every positive moment of every event that led up to this post, but I simply can't. Just trust me, it gets better if you try to make it better.

Hugs Emma,

Keep fighting the fight.
You are looking great, love the hair style suits you

Cindy

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

~ from The Velveteen Rabbit, by Margery Williams (http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/williams/rabbit/rabbit.html)

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cosgan.de%2Fimages%2Fsmilie%2Fliebe%2Fa055.gif&hash=09c31e3d3e9f03f2ca1e44008cb973d551e61797)

Emma, you go right on ahead and keep marching forward. To hell with what people think. You're an inspiration.

Emma, as a parent myself,  I feel that as long as your children love you, and you love them, the rest of the world really doesn't matter.
I have found that I have definitely become more Maternal, in addition to still feeling like a father to my kids. I don't know how much of this is attributable to HRT, or allowing my inner woman to emerge.  I really don't care to be honest, it's the result that counts as far as I am concerned.

Kids  ::)!!  I don't mean that you will like everything they do, or even understand it a lot of the time (especially during that perilous state known as being a teenager! >:-)), or even that they will always seem to return it. The connection will always be there.
  The younger they are the more thay will be able to accept your transition as being a perfectly natural, if rare occurence.  Just something that makes you special to them hopefully.

Hopefully they will grow up to be tolerant and compassionate adults because of it.  They will also learn that being honest and living an authentic life is the only honourable way to live.  The SAS motto, "Death before Dishonour", actually has a lot going for it.

Karen.

Thanks friends! Nice literary reference too FairyGirl! Just felt like something I had to get out. You know, rambling thoughts and stuff :)

Hi Emma, I am real glad that things are going your way, you have been an inspiration like Samantharz said, you are reaching your goals and you are happy, do not think about the other people, they do not relaize how much smarter we are than they.  Keep up the good work and aloha from your Hawaiian sister.

Jennie

definitely an inspiration! thanks for the post emma and keep moving forward!!! :D

I think HRT is doing wonders on you Emma, you already look so pretty :) I hope you never give up because you definitely have a lot of potential and you can't give up on who you really are

Thanks some more!  ;D I won't give up! The only thing in my way is hair, on different fronts, but money and time will take care of that. I'm in the completely awkward " I thought you were a girl (insert three apologetic excuses) "phase. Time to step it up already!