Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Have you noticed that when people ask other people, "How are you?", the person answering almost always answers a "fine" or equivalent, regardless of how they ARE ?

So yeah, don't tell me that. Tell me how you really are.

Thanks :D

I'm nervous, anxious, excited. I'm coming off college medical leave in a week, and my life's going to be pretty hectic for the next three. I'm moving into my first apartment on the first of the month, and I need to pack, badly. This will be my first time living both away from home and off-campus.

I'm not sure I can make it.

I am restless and want to go home or shopping or something, but then that's my usual state when at work.

I'm taking off for Stanford U the North American Taiko Conference on Thursday.  Excited about that and a little nervous.  Looking forward to picking up a pair of oodaiko bachi and a bag I custom ordered in purple, silver and green (somewhat like the "official" genderqueer pride flag, but different because I don't officially consider myself genderqueer and purple is awesome), and of course the workshops and concerts.  I like flying but hate airports and regular class airplane seats though, and with the craziness lately with BART I'm apprehensive about that part of the trip.

Regretting breakfast from the convenience store, but starting to wonder what lunch will be.

A little chilly because it's nice outside but coworkers are air conditioning junkies.  It's 68F in our office and I'm in a t-shirt, Thai fisherman's pants, and sandals.  Drinking coffee to keep warm.

Oh, and I used to answer this question with "still alive" when asked by a former coworker I didn't really like.

Nauseous - 50% due to big bang on head yesterday, 50% due to eating too many toffees just now. Both my own fault. Dammit.

I don't blame you in the slightest for the toffees. Toffees rock.

By the way, Julian, speaking as an admirer of elegant skulls: you have a beautiful head.

Whenever people phone me on my mobile (cell for the transatlantic) and the first thing they ask is "Where are you?" I always reply "Fine thanks, how are you?" Causes no end of embarrassment 8).

Aw, thank you. I must say, though, it's a mite less attractive from the front. I've a bit of a cone shape going on. :P

I have the opposite problem - from the side, I look somewhat like a certain crystal skull seen toted by Indiana Jones.

You don't want to know...

Quote from: Padma on August 16, 2011, 11:28:16 AM
I have the opposite problem - from the side, I look somewhat like a certain crystal skull seen toted by Indiana Jones.

Heh. Heh heh.

Sorry.  :-X

Well, at least we know how we feel ::). :)

Also a little sick - too many days cooped up but nothing I really want to go out for.
That and a pot of tea goes too bitter with one person, it needs to be shared - so it doesn't steep for too long. I have that bitter tea aftertaste.

Now, this self imposed loneliness is supposed to be focussing my mind on finally (FINALLY) finishing me novel by September - having missed my previous May deadline - and although I am writing well and regular, I feel so very heavy with the routine of just doing the one thing that I do not feel much satisfaction.

However, I plan to have a recuperating jaunt round London tomorrow and I am travelling to see some old friends at the end of the week, so will be perkier then.

Oh - and I think you have a lovely profile also.

Gah, I need to change my avatar. I don't know how to deal with compliments. Makes me feel all awkward. Sorry for being pretty.  :P Or something.

I hope you feel better, Pica. And I'd love to share a pot of tea with you.

That's why I chose "beautiful" - because it's not gender-specific :). Open your umbrella and let the praise in ;D.

Thanks :D

Yeah, and I went for 'lovely' - which is not only non-gender specific, but pretty non-committal  :D

You folks are great  :) though I wouldn't mind also being pretty once in a while. :P

I'm all for committing myself in print ;D. Of course you're pretty, Julian, but in this case that's just a subset of beautiful, and damning with faint praise, in my opinion :). but if you're more comfortable with less hyperbole, then: meh, you look okay :).

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,98870.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,98870.0.html)

Quote from: Zoë Natasha on August 16, 2011, 11:28:30 AM
You don't want to know...

Actually, it is replies like this what makes me more curious to know what's going on inside their little lives.
I don't think I can help or anything, its just mere morbid curiosity.

If that bothers you, then nevermind, lol

Quote from: ZaidaZadkiel on August 16, 2011, 01:14:57 PM
Actually, it is replies like this what makes me more curious to know what's going on inside their little lives.
I don't think I can help or anything, its just mere morbid curiosity.

If that bothers you, then nevermind, lol

If you're morbidly curious...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,103421.msg775800.html#msg775800 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,103421.msg775800.html#msg775800)

That's about 12 hours of every waking day until we can my HRT stuff sorted out.  It comes and goes though.  Like now I'm okay.  Tired from crying, but able to function enough to put on makeup.

Often, I smile and say everything is fine so that nobody has to see what's really going on beneath the surface.

How come its always the beautiful people who get chatted up and prized. I know my hour hand is longer then my minute hand and having my second hand rotates counter-clockwise is 'unnatural' but thats how god made me. I'm beautiful inside, I'm still a clock  .... if you wind me do I not tick ?  If you set me do I not ring ? 

Your dial is delightful (in a non-gender-specific way...) xx

Most clocks are beautiful inside and most occasions of 'you don't want to know' should be answered with 'okay then'.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your beautiful long hairspring.

Quote from: Pica Pica on August 16, 2011, 01:47:30 PM
Most clocks are beautiful inside and most occasions of 'you don't want to know' should be answered with 'okay then'.

But I do want to know.

I often go walking around selling my handcrafts and wondering, just what are those people's life's like. I really wish I knew.

As for the morbid curiosity, I have read the whole thing and found it very interesting. I don't know how would that make you-Zoë feel, so I apologize if it's uncomfrotable in any way.

Also, Everybody in this thread is very beautiful in a their-own-gender specific way.

Quote from: Padma on August 16, 2011, 01:38:58 PM
Your dial is delightful (in a non-gender-specific way...) xx

Thank you **sniff**  Do my stubby legs make me look fat?  You can be honest.

Quote from: espo on August 17, 2011, 11:28:36 AM
Thank you **sniff**  Do my stubby legs make me look fat?  You can be honest.

To tell the truth, I hardly noticed your legs - I was captivated by your face :).

** giggles **  You are quit the charmer !! 

I'm not just winding you up...

hahaha  awesome

I hope I don't tick you off

Quote from: espo on August 17, 2011, 11:37:24 AM
** giggles **  You are quit the charmer !!

No charmer, just clock wise.

Lol it's clock pun time!

We all deserve a big hand :).

Hey, wait a second ...

Quote from: espo on August 18, 2011, 10:44:47 AM
Hey, wait a second ...

I would give you a whole minute, but then, time is gold, except when the watch is made out of silver or other materials, then it is like, less than gold. But of course the clocks don't stop for no-one, so we might as well hurry up and so.

*veers back on-topic*

Today I feel an odd mix of panic and apathy. I hate that I'm panicking, but I don't care quite enough to just buckle down and finish packing.

Quote from: ZaidaZadkiel on August 16, 2011, 10:51:27 AM
Have you noticed that when people ask other people, "How are you?", the person answering almost always answers a "fine" or equivalent, regardless of how they ARE ?

So yeah, don't tell me that. Tell me how you really are.

Thanks :D

"G'morning Zee-Zee, I'd like to ask the same to you...Comment Ça Va?"

"As for myself, I am most often in a delightful mood...except when "Jerks" are annoyingly abusive in "character"  ::)  "

"If I am asked, 'How are you...' I am for the most part, honest with my response"

"And you are right, some folks, just ask, to be asking...without any feelings behind the question..."

"Sometimes, pee-pole really need to know that when someone is asking this particular question, 'How are you' they are asking earnestly, and with care for the receivers response....entiendes? '"

"Most times, this question is asked with little-to-no-feelings at all..."

"So when someone says, 'How are you...really...I want to know...' most are taken aback, because they might have issues that need to be expressed..."

"...and all they really just want is an honest ear to listen...and not JUST listen, but LISTEN ATTENTIVELY...!"

"Not to change the subject, but a lot of suicides, are sometimes from the result of, individuals not really paying attention... "

"So, yes...I am quite like you, when I ask someone 'How they are doing/feeling today?' it is not with the "quickness.." because I am literally asking you 'How Are You Doing' with sincere thoughtful intentions..."

"Not with ah-ah...ok, well have a nice day...type of deal that we so often ghet from pee-pole, because they are afraid of being too "interpersonal" with one another...!"

"I have always been sincere with my asking...so I am not afraid to tell those who are really asking, 'How I Am Doing...'
but sometimes...I do have to admit, an occasional 'Fine' might be just as sufficient, as an all out explanation..."  ;D

"So today, I am 'Fine' happily writing, and enjoying my Starbucks with their wonderful delicious banana-walnut bread..."  ;D

"Hey someone said, 'That New Yorkers don't drink SB's...' Yeah right...go into a New York SB's right now...42nd Street...them ain't foreigners in thar...them be New Yorkers...I'm having a 'Venti' Caramel Macchiato"  ;D

"Everyone, please have a wonderful day today...and remember, ' if you live it to YOUR fullest...life really, is not too short...! "

"So put on your best 'duds' and go out and enjoy tha sun-rays...Fall/Winter will be here soon enough..."  ;D

"Ok, THAT's IT...THERE IS NO MORE..."

Quote from: Julian on August 18, 2011, 11:58:38 AM
*veers back on-topic*

Today I feel an odd mix of panic and apathy. I hate that I'm panicking, but I don't care quite enough to just buckle down and finish packing.

"Julian, are you all right, seriously...are you making a move to somewhere [leaving/returning etc.] You mentioned having anxiety to packing...care to talk...I am all ears"  ;D

"I'll buy you a Starbucks...do you like 'banana-walnut bread...?'"

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.tumblr.com%2Fphoto%2F1280%2F7381082841%2F1%2Ftumblr_lo0mjroq231qclcx7&hash=409241dc5b440d784dca561009283015168258bc)

Like that.

Hey Pica...that's interesting...is "IT Live" or, "is IT Memorex...?"

Quote from: LaPapito on August 18, 2011, 01:08:08 PM
"Julian, are you all right, seriously...are you making a move to somewhere [leaving/returning etc.] You mentioned having anxiety to packing...care to talk...I am all ears"  ;D

"I'll buy you a Starbucks...do you like 'banana-walnut bread...?'"

Sounds delicious  ;D

I'm making sort of a transitory move. Moving my stuff into my boyfriend's place for a couple weeks, so I can be close to campus when my classes start, then in a couple weeks my room at an apartment will open up. It's my first time living both away from home and off-campus. I'm more than a little freaked out, but will doubtless be just fine.

Relieved.  Done with flying until Sunday and don't seem to have failed at public transit so far.  (We don't have such things as city trains in the midwest... I was sure I was going to wind up in the wrong plart of San Francisco but I'm almost to Palo Alto.  Yay.

Chirpy (prospect of seeing new girlfriend in a couple of weeks - she lives 100 miles yonder) but also wrecked, PTSD that kicked in again on camp last week means I keep waking up at 5 am (after not getting to sleep until 1). Happy to be heading back for another 10 days of camp, with dance, singing, drumming, and lovely friends. "Sleep now... yeesss, now they'll sleep..." (wicked witch of the west voice).

Quote from: Padma on August 19, 2011, 12:19:14 AM
Chirpy (prospect of seeing new girlfriend in a couple of weeks - she lives 100 miles yonder) but also wrecked, PTSD that kicked in again on camp last week means I keep waking up at 5 am (after not getting to sleep until 1). Happy to be heading back for another 10 days of camp, with dance, singing, drumming, and lovely friends. "Sleep now... yeesss, now they'll sleep..." (wicked witch of the west voice).

I wish u luck and I hope Glinda doesn't show up to make it snow to cancel out the effects of the poppies (gosh that movie is strange lol)

Glinda is hands down the scariest thing in that entire film. Brrr....

we'd better keep a close watch on the alarming direction this topic is ticking  >:-)

I've been feeling really good, lately.  It's like I have a future I can look forward to, now.

I'm also a bit anxious, as I just had an interview for a better paying job.  I handled myself well, but I'm not the only applicant.  I also have several years of experience, which may be helpful.  The extra money would help out a lot, though.

Sore, tired, un-confident (another travel day coming up this afternoon).  Thoughtful.  This conference was pretty amazing.  I need to get in the habit of relaxing my body because it tenses up so automatically I don't even realize it.

There was a concert last night of several taiko groups.  The last was San Francisco Taiko Dojo playing a piece called "Tsunami."  It is full of pain.  There were several very powerful oodaiko solos at the end by extremely talented players, but none of them were joyful.  It was all loss and fear and helpless rage and just very, very heavy.  Hell of a way to end things.  For me this art form is about joy and excitement, so it's weird for a piece to bring me down.

The song was written before the 2011 tsunami, but has been dedicated to the people from the devastated region.  I guess before it was simply about raw crushing power.  Tanaka-sensei visited the are days after and was asked not to play taiko because it might bring back the sea or its memory.

Overall though,if I can chill out and get over that one song,  I feel inspired. And maybe a tiny bit more ready for the festival coming up in a couple weeks.

Strange.

Abnormal

Nervous, but excited. Socially phobic.

sleepy and achey - you never sleep on an overnight bus.

confused.

I'm at a point where lots of big changes are happening to people very close to me.   My life will be changing a lot in the next month but I'm not in control of any of it.  I honestly don't mind not being in control, as it takes out some of the anxiety for me, but I sort of wish it was just all over.
In a general sense, I'm eh.  I have a cup of coffee though, so all should be looking up in 1o more minutes.

Ah, New York.  Every time I visit I want to leave and when I'm not there, I want to visit.  It's an amazingly loud, crazy place.  Magnetic, even.

I am so tired, I haven't been up this early in mnonths....I've been averaging around ten when I start my day. letting my coffee to cool don some, it's burning my lips and tongue. All just to see my therapist. I really like her, but its impossible to get weekly sessions. This time its been almost four weeks.
It bugs me that shift-space is the sama as just space.

Ativan

Spent yesterday in a jet-lagged daze.  Today is much better.  There was a major server failure at work (place just falls apart without me) so everything is disrupted, and I don't really care (in that happy nothing's-gonna-bother-me-for-long way, not apathy).

Strangely happy.... gonna see my therapist tomorrow.
Got plenty to be pissed at, but I just don't give a crap.
I'm listening to surfer music and having a good time.
I'm done experimenting with my meds and I'm confident that I'm on the smallest doses that are effective.
Just gotta take the side effects as they are.

Ativan

I'm feeling good. Also, unlike Nina Simone, I sound like I'm feeling good also.

Quote from: Pica Pica on August 31, 2011, 02:07:47 PM
I'm feeling good. Also, unlike Nina Simone, I sound like I'm feeling good also.

Which is why her music sounds so good

Four Women, House of the Rising Sun <3

I feel like I should take a Klonopin....I think I will.
I'm going to go to my doctor today, long car ride.
Leave in a hour, it'll probably make me sleep.
Otherwise, I feel like me, all of me.
I like that.

Ativan

I'm feeling cucumberous.

I am feeling like blowing off work.  This isn't exactly breaking news though.  I like my job sometimes, but I like not being at it more.

Also, my hands are torn up.  Kaoru Watanabe is in town for the weekend's Japanese Festival, performing in a quartet and with my group.  He gave us a workshop last night and we did more actual hitting in those 2 hours than the last several weeks of practice, and with a different technique than we were used to.  Blisters for everyone!

A little drunk and very happy.

Got lots of friends and played silly games, including a hide and seek around my house; where, from my hiding place behind a hedge in the garden, I heard people in my bedroom discussing how girly they found it.

i feel a little bit on the anxious side, but not enough to make me freak out at all. pretty much a whole lot better than i've felt for a while

and the anxiety comes from not knowing whether or not i'll have the job i need to be able to pay for repairs on my very old house. if i can't fix the roof and parts of the outer walls within few months, it might well be easier to just let it start rotting down

Sleepy.  Stressed.  Excited.  Peeved, but not overly so.  Incredulous in a good way. Mostly sleepy.

Excited = Happy or Excited = Riled up

Excited = Happily Riled Up?

Every day I feel miserable.
Some days more than others, but it just never leaves.

Today was a special day, with tears and all that.

Right now i just feel numb.

How do I feel?


With my hands of course.  (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-4.gif&hash=34a3e40b48ee901ac7f4a696a28192c1777cff6e)

Quote from: ZaidaZadkiel on September 02, 2011, 09:47:52 PM
Every day I feel miserable.
Some days more than others, but it just never leaves.
Today was a special day, with tears and all that.
Right now i just feel numb.

That's what depression is. You know the routine, get help, preferably medical help.

Ativan

Sorry just had to say that.

Someday I am in pretty good spirits.  Someday I feel overwhelmed with school.  But all in all, I am in a pretty good place.

Quote from: @ivan on September 02, 2011, 09:54:05 PM
That's what depression is. You know the routine, get help, preferably medical help.

Ativan

I have had better luck on my own.

Quote from: ZaidaZadkiel on September 02, 2011, 10:30:40 PM
I have had better luck on my own.

I know the feeling. I've been chronically depressed since I was 12 (I'm 21 now). I've had ups and downs but the majority of my teenage memories involve a lot of depression and hopelessness.

I'm on meds now that kind of make me feel ... stable. I have days where I'm irritable as hell, days where I'm slightly anxious, days where I'm bubbly and optimistic and nothing gets me down. But I'm never miserable and I'm never elated. I guess I just am, with the ability to express surface emotions, just reactions to shallow events.

It's disturbing, but for me it's better than trudging through the trenches and feeling that pit of despair in the bottom of my chest. Although I do occasionally think I'd rather feel my natural emotions and risk being severely depressed again. At least those feelings are real.

Lately though, with my family catching wind of my transition, knowing I have to tell them I'm going to be taking hormones, and the fact that around this time of year my mom had a seizure in my arms, started getting really sick, and died on Christmas Eve 2009, I've been really on edge. My meds aren't working as well and I'v taken to fairly intense exercise to cope for the most part. I toy with the idea of increasing my dose but I can't stand the thought of being dependent on a little white pill for the rest of my life. I guess those are the reasons I've been irritable and antsy and feeling like I'm going to throw up.

And tonight, I feel down right horrible. I want to run into my father's arms like when I was a kid and tell him I love him, but it's both emotionally and physically impossible now. He's too far away and I'm both too proud and too ashamed to make such an action. I'm alone this weekend - I was going to bus up to the cottage to spend time with just my aunt and uncle and relax by the lake. But I'm in overdraft and can't afford it. My roommate is out of town this weekend. I booked the weekend off work. And I still have only one or two friends in this town. No one I want to spend time with since I'm in such a crap mood.

Sorry. You asked for an honest answer. That's mine. Maybe I'll be feeling great soon. I'll cross my fingers.

Quote from: ZaidaZadkiel on September 02, 2011, 10:30:40 PM
I have had better luck on my own.

I used to say that, too...
But I'm older now, much older.
If I could do it over, I would have changed. Everything.

Quote from: @ivan on September 02, 2011, 10:57:18 PM
I used to say that, too...
But I'm older now, much older.
If I could do it over, I would have changed. Everything.

I wouldn't change anything because everything was my own choice. How could I choose otherwise ?

The choices are not always you or them, they are you and you. Your choices.
Everyone likes to think they wouldn't change a thing, but think about it. Some of those choices didn't work out that well.
If you had the chance you would do it differently. How would you know? You know now and you knew then.
You live your life, you make a mistake. You spend the rest of your life wondering at the least. Or trying to change the past.
Those are your choices, sometimes they are good or bad. You have to reccognize, and you do, a bad choice.
Depression is just that. You made the wrong choice. Maybe you find it hard to live with that. I know I do.

Ativan

I think this is the hardest night I've ever known.  Once I used to be able to hope, but not anymore.  I can't afford the help I need and there's nothing left.  Nothing... just complete emptiness.

Maybe I haven't lost hope.  Maybe I still hope things will be better in the morning.

Quote from: Zoë Natasha on September 03, 2011, 12:55:11 AM
I think this is the hardest night I've ever known.  Once I used to be able to hope, but not anymore.  I can't afford the help I need and there's nothing left.  Nothing... just complete emptiness.

Maybe I haven't lost hope.  Maybe I still hope things will be better in the morning.

I really like you in your videos, does that help at all?
Talk to you in the morning then?

Ativan

Quote from: @ivan on September 03, 2011, 01:23:25 AM
I really like you in your videos, does that help at all?
Talk to you in the morning then?

Thank you! :)  Those videos are rather fun to do.

And yes, I'll be here in the morning.  The storm has passed for the time being.  Been cycling through suicidal thoughts and sheer elation four or five times a day these past couple weeks and it's taking its toll on me.  Time to go sleep while my brain is calmed down.

Quote from: @ivan on September 03, 2011, 12:48:21 AM
The choices are not always you or them, they are you and you. Your choices.
Everyone likes to think they wouldn't change a thing, but think about it. Some of those choices didn't work out that well.
If you had the chance you would do it differently. How would you know? You know now and you knew then.
You live your life, you make a mistake. You spend the rest of your life wondering at the least. Or trying to change the past.
Those are your choices, sometimes they are good or bad. You have to reccognize, and you do, a bad choice.
Depression is just that. You made the wrong choice. Maybe you find it hard to live with that. I know I do.

Ativan

spoiler: you cannot go back in time to change things.
Dwelling on it seems pointless to me.
But yes, given my experiences, next time I will try to choose something better.

Quote from: ZaidaZadkiel on September 03, 2011, 03:32:19 AM
spoiler: you cannot go back in time to change things.
Dwelling on it seems pointless to me.
But yes, given my experiences, next time I will try to choose something better.

Isn't that what I just said? Your dwelling on it is your depression.

Quote from: @ivan on September 03, 2011, 08:44:10 AM
Isn't that what I just said? Your dwelling on it is your depression.

I read something completely different.
Just don't mind me, I'm angry and hormonal.

Then your not depressed? Just angry AND hormonal.
OK...I hope your feeling better today.

Here in Minnesota it is clear in the 70's and lightly gusting breezes.
I'm going out to catch a nap on the deck.

I bought another Strat and two more amps at the Swap Meet here.
Its huge, like 4 blocks long and there's 6 rows of them,packed with people
And some Breyer Horses for my daughter(I missed her birthday)
Nap time!

Ativan

How do I feel?

Not that great today, can't sleep and it's 2.30 in the morning here in London. Had my Piaggio scooter nicked (stolen) on 2 nights ago which hasn't help and my flatmate and best friend has had to move to another city. We loved each other I think but it was one of those things that will always stay that way. Have been in crisis a bit for a few days tbh which is why why I came here! Fed up with arguing with people on other forums that are meant to be LGBT but are in reality G and a certain type of G at that. The other talkboard I used to post on (Guardian Talk) was closed and its replacement (NottheTalk) has been overrun destroyed by right wing extremists.

All that and my lesbian friend leaving has left me feeling really exposed about my gender situation. I've been trans for so very many years but only today has it occurred to me that I'm never conscious of my gender when around women. Really stupid of course but the sometimes the obvious is hard to see.

Sorry for the moan! It should have been: "Come stai? - Non c'è male"  ;D

I love this weather!  I want to be outside, walking and enjoying nature and some good music.

I'll settle for one out of three plus occasionally looking out the (unopenable) window at the parking lot and sighing mock-wistfully.

Also I feel accomplished and yet like a slacker at the same time.

A friend shared this link on Facebook, and I thought the sentiment was... well, awesome:  Waking Up Full of Awesome (http://blog.pigtailpals.com/2011/08/waking-up-full-of-awesome/)

Today I feel incredibly anxious and dysphoric, to the point of hiding from most everyone except my partner. Shame, because today was a beautiful day. Ah well, the weather is supposed to be beautiful tomorrow too, and I'll hopefully be outside enjoying it.

This would be a great day to go back home, have a good stiff drink, crawl under the covers, and stay there until evening.

I feel optimistic. I'm going to ride my bike to class in the sunshine and kick my exam's ass. Gender-related anxiety is still present, I didn't expect it to completely go away overnight. But it's better.

Exhausted. Having lots of nightmares about various anxieties in real life. Never happens to me. Dreamt that someone groped my breasts and said I was nothing but a woman. Dreamt of a huge fight with family members I'm having problems with, resulting in one beating me up (in the dream). Dreamt of not being able to understand my graduate school material.

Why am I so stressed already?? :(

Quote from: Caseyy on September 14, 2011, 01:39:42 PM
Exhausted. Having lots of nightmares about various anxieties in real life. Never happens to me. Dreamt that someone groped my breasts and said I was nothing but a woman.
Why am I so stressed already?? :(

Aw that's awful!!! :( *hugs*

*hugs* I think it was related to coming out to everyone in class, and then a few minutes later spilling ketchup on my (unfortunately) ample bosom... which I then had to wipe off, making it obvious to everyone. :| Made me pretty uncomfortable at the time.

I just want to hide, today. Having issues with my body the past several days - wanting to stay covered up, despite the warm weather. Today, I am so uncomfortable with my body that I barely want to exist. It's not a suicidal sort of feeling, though. I don't know what it is.  :-\

I feel good. I feel like my remarks are good. My Hair looks really good, my foot and a half pony tail is one long curly swirl. Went shopping with my female friend, so going thru the womans sections was fun and entertaining. It's amazing to me the very slight difference between the mens clothes and the womans. I did spot some very androgynous stuff if you wanted to call it that. Almost bought a couple things at full price. I had to slap myself back to reality. Always wait for it to go on sale. One of the rules of life. I don't have to have the latest, just the nice on sale stuff that still is in style at less than 1/2 the price.

I'm happy there are so many people on the boards here. I really really like it.

Ativan

Quote from: Jaden.D on September 14, 2011, 04:41:14 PM
I just want to hide, today. Having issues with my body the past several days - wanting to stay covered up, despite the warm weather. Today, I am so uncomfortable with my body that I barely want to exist. It's not a suicidal sort of feeling, though. I don't know what it is.  :-\

I know that feeling all too well. *hugs* it's pretty awful. I've been feeling it the past few days. Like I want to live, but not in this body that's all wrong.

Comparatively, I feel pretty great.
I need to figure a morning exercise routine, anybody happens to know about this kind of things ?

Feeling pretty upbeat today, despite a continuing half-a-cold.

Went to my first Qi Gong class last night, and while I think a lot of Chinese traditional medicine is bunk, the actual movement stuff was good.  Very relaxing and de-stressing, but still going to improve balance and body awareness.

GF: You shouldn't take the bus that's an hour and a half early; you should take the regular bus! You won't be late, and if you are it won't happen often. Save yourself time and stress and stop being obsessive compulsive.

Me: *waits at bus stop* *bus doesn't show* *is late* *no point in going because I'll miss it*
:icon_userfriendly:

Aw, but my hamster just sneezed. I suppose that helps.

Great...now I can't get the OCD image of a hamster sneezing out of my head!

:D Ativan

*hugs Julian* Is today any better?

Quote from: Jaden.D on September 15, 2011, 11:28:25 AM
*hugs Julian* Is today any better?

Lots, actually. It rained on me and my bike yesterday, but today it's nicer out. And I don't hate myself so much today either.

Thank you for caring. It means a lot. *hugs*

That's a good thing Ativan, because it's sooo cute.  :embarrassed: Such a tiny sound and he scrunches up his face.

Julian, love your new pic!

Been sneezed on by white rats, hamsters, gerbils, and the rest of the house creatures my two kids have had, Cats, Dogs, pigs, cows, horses so many times (I wish it was without the snaut), Llamas  (who spit in my eye one day).
The image of a little hamster sneezing is fun.

Ativan

That's a lot of animals.  :icon_eek: If I had to be sneezed on by any of those, it would totally be a pig. ;D

I forgot! How could I have forgotten the orphaned bunnies (I named one 'Lenny Rabbits') and 'Merle' the squirrel. And the six orphaned raccoons?

Yes you could say I whisper pretty darn well with all them critters. Thank you for reminding me!

("Hosha peesha paw" in their little ears. Makes them wiggle and wait for more.)
Ativan

Quote
Lots, actually. It rained on me and my bike yesterday, but today it's nicer out. And I don't hate myself so much today either.

Thank you for caring. It means a lot. *hugs*

I'm so glad. Today was better for me, too... and we're having a storm. The lightening and thunder is deeply soothing. <3 I love your photo, btw. You look amazing.

Right now I'm feeling mostly comfortable, wearing my soft clothes and eating otter pops. All the talk of sneezing animals makes me a little itchy, though. ;)

Otter Pops? The mental image is, well...

Ativan

Otter pops. It's a type of push-up popsicle. Pure sugary/icey goodness.  ;D

Feeling good :) Things are looking up, best friend coming back to stay and going out tonight maybe if my cold isn't too bad.

I've been plunged back into dysphoria. I'm on a journey of jumping though hoops to try and get my health insurance to cover breast reduction/top surgery. The waiting and not knowing make me even more dysphoric. Had a bad audition experience yesterday. On the bright side, I'm a chorus member and might possibly get to play a man, which is exciting. In high school I played men, but that's because we were all-female. I'll be a man among cis-men this time. But the dysphoria is awful. My self-injury problem reared its ugly head.

tl;dr : an odd mix of anticipation and despair.

Also, it's frustrating to try to edit one's Tumblr with an iPad. Just doesn't work.

Fantastic! QPR hammered Wolves 3-0 away from home! Come on you Rrrrrs!!! ;D What a day :)

Seem to have picked up a cough to go with the two weeks of minor sniffles.  This is not an exciting new development.

Old friends of mine are getting married about 1500 miles away.  Couldn't afford the trip given other traveling I've done lately, but they're in my thoughts.  This is almost the time of year when we'd have gotten together with them and a few other friends and gone camping in the mountains with lots of bacon and beer.

 :'( When I feel that way Jaden I tend to try new things. Sometimes it helps...sometimes it makes it worse...but it seems to get the energy moving either way. Dislodge those icky feelings and make them move. Vibrate those molecules.

This could include binding and putting on a masculine shirt...it could include taking mascara to my facial hair to make it stand out...or going the total other direction and doing pretty/girly make up or nails, or toe nails. Putting on a dress when I very rarely wear such things...

Normally such "play" (if you could even really call it that...therapy? I don't know.) lasts for all of 15mins...sometimes a bit longer. It really only serves to shake out the feeling.

I feel like it's a way of asking the GID (as if it were some energy or entity in itself...I know...sometimes I sound bonkers. It works for me though...) "is it this? Is this the issue? Talk to me or I'm going to keep guessing!!!!" and it tends to shake out an answer. Or sometimes...things just settle, and no "answer" was needed.

*hugs*  :-*
_______________________________________________________________
Edit to say: *doh!* I didn't notice that there was a whole 'nother page I hadn't seen before I responded! My bad....

Julian I'm so sorry to hear that your GID has reared up so badly.

Try to do something less harmful...I've found that if I'm really feeling like cutting...taking a sharpie to my skin instead has a relieving effect...it's not the same, and I know that but it does (sometimes...) alleviate the feelings enough until I can manage them. *huge hugs*

Feeling decent and perhaps slightly over caffeinated.  Also there is an extremely annoying squawking bird nearby that I am trying to tune out with headphones.  :)

Quote from: Sevan on September 17, 2011, 07:09:15 PM
Julian I'm so sorry to hear that your GID has reared up so badly.

Try to do something less harmful...I've found that if I'm really feeling like cutting...taking a sharpie to my skin instead has a relieving effect...it's not the same, and I know that but it does (sometimes...) alleviate the feelings enough until I can manage them. *huge hugs*

Thanks. *hugs*

I took a small non-suicidal overdose the other day, and my partner called the paramedics on me. Landed me in the hospital I hate most in the world. But I'm out now, and I'm feeling better. One of the social workers got some of the staff to start calling me Julian. Some evidently misheard and started calling me Julianne. ::) But it shows I'm feeling better that I'm able to laugh at that.

So that's how I feel today. Better. My GID attack seems to be waning, and I've just got to pick up my life where I left off. Pick up the pieces, as it were. Clean up the mess I made.

Julian, I'm glad things are looking up. Don't hurry yourself to pick up the pieces; take it easy and take good care of yourself. *hugs*

Today...I dunno. I threw on the first thing I found, and it turned out it smells terrible and it ripped up. =/ so I look like crap. We had a seminar, which is held once a month as a "support" for grad students. I feel left out. I'm very Type B...grad school is definitely busy, but it doesn't stress me much. Everyone else, however, seems to be in this panic and making it more stressful than I think it should be. we had to come up with questions/concerns to ask the second years, and I just didn't have any. I hate it, because even though I do end up with less stress/more spare time than most, I worry that they'll think I'm not cut out because I'm not all gung ho.

Omg, and the BO/ripped shirt? It's white and I just spilled ketchup on it. Right smack dab in the middle of my chest. :P Hm. I feel oddly better as a result; it lets me just chalk it up to "one of those days."

Seriously <expletive deleted by moderator> up and down. Tried talking to my housemate who's a Gay girl but she's on another page altogether.

Oh Heather that's quite the visual! (I'm a very visual person in general) I'm sorry. That's horrible.

Julian I'm glad your out now, and that was nice of one of the social workers even if it didn't go so great. Did they help to put a plan in place so it doesn't happen again? Or were they more clueless than that....(likely but I still prefer to be hopeful...)

Oh man Casey that IS just one of those sorts of days. Gah!

Mimpi I totally understand. Even when someone is close (as in part of the LGBT crew) they can sometimes totally be far off...which is so frustrating.

Quote from: Sevan on September 20, 2011, 11:31:33 PM
Julian I'm glad your out now, and that was nice of one of the social workers even if it didn't go so great. Did they help to put a plan in place so it doesn't happen again? Or were they more clueless than that....(likely but I still prefer to be hopeful...)

They did recommend a local trans-focused medical center (I'm lucky to be in Chicago where we have these things) for transition-related issues, but not so much on the normal mental-health front. I'm already seeing a psychiatrist and therapist, and had the mentality of "what do I need to do to get the hell out of here?", so they let me out pretty quickly.

Totally understand. Glad you have mental health in place...even if these rocky spots still strike.

Julian, missed your post as was well 'out of it' last night. So sorry to hear about what happened and thank god you're ok.

Can be frustrating talking to therapists and psychiatrists as they generally just don't get it even if they are well meaning. Hopefully this new place will be able to help you on your way.

(((big hug)))

:eusa_wall:

:icon_bong:

Quote from: mimpi on September 21, 2011, 04:08:58 PM
Julian, missed your post as was well 'out of it' last night. So sorry to hear about what happened and thank god you're ok.

Can be frustrating talking to therapists and psychiatrists as they generally just don't get it even if they are well meaning. Hopefully this new place will be able to help you on your way.

(((big hug)))

Quote from: Sevan on September 21, 2011, 10:17:39 AM
Totally understand. Glad you have mental health in place...even if these rocky spots still strike.

*hugs all around* ;D

Feeling good today, hearing a friend who is a psychiatric nurse complaining about the iniquities of the mental health system has cheered me up immensely. :)

I may have taken to much of my meds, while drinking this much.

But the movies are great that I'm watching. (I can tell because I'm paying attention)

But still...

I think I'll be watching another one, I'm having fun

Ativan

Quote from: heatherrose on September 22, 2011, 01:49:26 AM

Comfortabl

e

Toothache :(

Axis II Poster Boy

My wife's dog is dying of inoperable cancer.  He's an old dog and had a bad case of heartworm at the time she adopted him, so if it weren't for this something else would get him before long.  But she's taking it really hard, as I would if the same thing happened to the cat I've had for 11 years.

He stopped eating dry food a couple weeks ago, stopped eating wet food a few days later, and we've had to forcefeed him this awful smelling stuff that he hates.  He stopped drinking water too, as of Saturday. He's been breathing oddly, staring off into space, and has clearly lost the will to live.  We have an appointment in a few hours to have him euthanized. :(

It will be a relief.  My wife pretty much spent the whole weekend holding him as much as possible, crying almost the entire time, and blaming herself even though it's obviously not her fault.  We have different ways of feeling helpless I guess.  It worries me because she's prone to depression and just came out from under it about 6 weeks back.

So... sad, worried, tired.  And throw in stress and excitement over a big performance this Saturday, and it's crazytown.

frustrated

Balancing on the edge of insanity, just another day in my life.

Ativan

Quote from: @ivan on October 04, 2011, 11:44:08 PM
Balancing on the edge of insanity, just another day in my life.

Ativan

*hugs* Thankfully...this doesn't last long love. Hang in there.

I've been here before. I kind of like the surealism of it all. I got backed into by a car not once, but twice in the parking lot of my therapist, yesterday.
I just got up, I feel like I've been in a car accident. Vicodin will fix that, and I get to feel stupid instead  :laugh:.

Ativan

Crying right now, just watched "Libertarias" a film about the Mujeres Libres movement of the Spanish Revolution. Unbelievably good film but it hits all the buttons that get to me emotionally. So sad what happened to those good and brave people. :'(

Sleepy. When I'm sleepy, every light and noise overstimulates me.

Stressed out a bit -- I want to put some things on pause.  Politically angry.  Back's sore.  Work's annoying.  Not real thrilled with what I'm doing for tomorrow's show.  Not real thrilled with having to deal with all these Japanese visitors who we have to cater to literally and figuratively.  Not wanting to do multiple parties with them this weekend.  But oddly in a better mood than I might expect... like none of the annoyances really matter and life is still pretty neat.

Like sitting on the front steps, throwing rocks and yelling "Get the Hell outa my yard". I guess I should spike my hair for effect, and wear a ratty old bathrobe and boxer shorts. Ooh, beer would be good to.

Ativan

nervous, slightly discouraged but determined

Like requesting a ban on animated signatures. They tend to be very annoying, especially to people pron to epileptic seisures.

Exhausted, been at the Stop the Cuts demonstration for hours and then out drinking with a couple of friends.

Like it's going to have to be a heavely medicated day.
Rapid mania full blown, 0 to 100 in 10 seconds day.
Here we go!

Ativan

We need to do a swap Ativan, could do with a bit of mania myself right now, you can have a bit of my exhaustion. Should balance out?

my mania comes from a very dark and violent place.
You wouldn't like it.
...Unless you wanted to kill somebody or like that

Ativan

I'm gonna go to the fitness place and rip some muscles, it feels good.

Good idea, physical exercise usually helps.

i feel funny, not haha funny, weird funny.......

This morning I felt like I had a n.asty hangover, but I haven't been drinking since Saturday.  Coffee helped.  My guts still feel semi-scrambled and i'd prefer to go home and lie down, but I took a sick day yesterday and don't want to blow through them all yet.

Had an odd weekend.  Great jam session at Friday's party.  Long stressful day Saturday.  We put on a great show though.  I was only in one song and was sent up to the tech booth to advise the lighting guy.  He was kind of a dick, and kept saying it was a one-man show (his).  Nevermind the 40 drummers, half of whom traveled all the way from Japan to play, and months of preparation.  Afterwards I had the usual introvert-at-a-party thing, where it's lonelier than actually being alone, in addition to hearing more Japanese than English all day and being fatigued from not knowing what was going on half the time.  On balance, the stress exceeded the fun by a bit.

Had an odd weekend.

I used to get into stuff like that. When I ran sound, I ran it. Advise was always appreciated, though. It was the same for the light tech. When you know a show, you know it well. It was the musicians that had hell to pay if they went to far away from the show.

I'm recovering from the most muscle shredding work out at the fitness place. It does help to get the wanting to cut down to manageable though.
Be leaving shortly for my 1 1/2 hr ride to town to see my gender Psych. Looking forward to seeing him.
So all in all, I feel wonderful, good, & all those things!
Good days don't come along that often it seems.

Ativan

Bad day yesterday, counsellor called me an 'outsider' which was well out of order and made very angry. Found out my family had been corrupting law enforcement to hassle me but have been advised to do nothing as it's too dangerous and lastly got paid only 80% of what I was expecting. Have decided to go to Italy for a few days next week to see friends, get away and chill out. Already booked flights. ->-bleeped-<-ing hate this ultra corrupt country that pretends it's the exact opposite. CCTV everywhere and in the meantime the rich are beyond the law.

How was refering to you as an outsider? What was the context of the statement?

I know therapists that work with gender issues, but still can only see binary.
In that sense you would be a gender outlaw, as Laurry put it.

I saw my Psychologist yesterday, It went very well, with all of his references to gender correct for me.

Sorry things have to be so hard for you right now,

Ativan

Like I have to get away from my computer, take my camera as an excuse, and go for a walk.
I received an upsetting email today, I don't know what to think about being here at Susan's.

Ativan

lol, don't let one idiot spoil your fun.
There's also the reporting thing, if you feel it was innapropriate.

Like I just got ripped off... which is how I always feel after buying tires.

Ativan don`t let some nobody f**k you up,we`re here for you,a hug from me,stay strongx

Quote from: @ivan on October 12, 2011, 11:26:48 AM
How was refering to you as an outsider? What was the context of the statement?

I know therapists that work with gender issues, but still can only see binary.
In that sense you would be a gender outlaw, as Larry put it.

I saw my Psychologist yesterday, It went very well, with all of his references to gender correct for me.

Sorry things have to be so hard for you right now,

Ativan

Cheers, Ativan :) Sorry to hear about the email, there are some right a*sh*les everywhere. Report them.

The therapist was just trying to put me in my place I think. He made a mistake as apart from asking him what motivated him to use such vocabulary I brought the discussion onto Albert Camus and 'L'Étranger' - The Outsider which unfortunately he hadn't read... All he wants to talk about is sex and sexuality which I'm happy to do but I'm damned if I'll discuss gender with such an ignorant person. Going back next week to end it, male counsellors always manage to enrage me.

I have a woman Therapist, she's not afraid to put anyone in their place, but she also considers my gender and how it may be affecting other things.

Everyone!! The Emailer  is not a bad person, it just shook me up to be able to spin me around myself, that fast, that tight.
I need to sort out myself. The Email was not meant to offend.

Thank You all concerned!
Ativan

That's good, the email...

Personally I think women therapists on average are better as they tend to be less authoritarian and patriarchal both of which which I react badly to. Every person I mention in my life this guy keeps asking 'were you partners?'. He's seems obsessed and there's no point talking to someone even crazier than oneself.

Quote from: @ivan on October 12, 2011, 02:47:14 PM
Like I have to get away from my computer, take my camera as an excuse, and go for a walk.
I received an upsetting email today, I don't know what to think about being here at Susan's.

I feel great today! I have found that the ignorance of insanity to be, just that.
Also that the ignore button doesn't work as good as I'd like it to. Oh well.

Ativan

Some what of a character. Like a cartoon, maybe. Like a Jessica Rabbit, "I'm not bad. I'm just drawn this way."

Ativan

Coming down with something, feeling rough as hell.

I'm well. Productive, in crochet if not in homework. Feeling good about my gender and my body.

Tired, idle brained, highly sensitive, confused and quick to tears.
All of these are symptoms of the meds I'm on for my pain related to my surgery. I'm not used to this. Apparently my mom and Cyndi were told that the steroids I was put on to help with healing can do this to me but either it was never mentioned to me or I forgot because I was/am doped to the gills. I'll be happy to get off the pain mess. I don't care for this level of inopperability.

Been there a few times...once was a morphine drip and directly into the IV when ever I wanted.
I don't remember more than a couple hrs of a week in IC.
All that morphine and I don't even remember it.
Now I have a standing prescription for Vicodin, some days are just a little more fun than others, lol... :icon_blink:
Take good care of yourself

Ativan

I feel like I'm on the edge of a diving board deciding whether to jump. Keeping a mental log of exciting things and possible changes to bring up with my therapist.

Terrible. I'm not mentally strong enough to work more than 30 hours in a week, I'm pulling down B's, barely, in school, I can't afford hair removal, I'm half a step from homeless. I'm tired.

Quote from: EmmaM on October 16, 2011, 07:03:21 PM
Terrible. I'm not mentally strong enough to work more than 30 hours in a week, I'm pulling down B's, barely, in school, I can't afford hair removal, I'm half a step from homeless. I'm tired.

Sorry to hear that Emma, loved your returning post on the other thread btw :)

Am feeling good tonight at last, have made a few decisions and started acting on them. Have left the Muslim LGBTQI group I've been with for many years due to their transphobia and racism, am going to dump my supercilious snob of a counsellor on tuesday and have spent a lovely day with my best friend chatting, cooking and eating. She's rekindled my faith in decency, honesty and decisiveness. Stay strong :)

Oh, thank you. I would be lying if I told you I didn't eat up the sympathy right now. Gotta work at 5 am, I'll be around a while.

if youre struggling you're doing well. You can do it :)
*hugs*

Quote from: EmmaM on October 16, 2011, 09:42:58 PM
Oh, thank you. I would be lying if I told you I didn't eat up the sympathy right now. Gotta work at 5 am, I'll be around a while.

Hang in there babes,my heart`s breaking for you,but you`re too strong and beautiful not to get through this.Lots of lovexxx.

My sleeping pattern is all screwed up. 4 hrs one night, then 12 the next...it's all over the place.
For no good reason, or even bad one for that matter.
I have to get regular sleep most of the time. I can be off for things now and then.
But, this is just getting stranger and stranger, and it's starting to show.
Wonder if I'm spacing out on my meds, or taking to many. I forget sometimes, no big deal though.
Oh well,...Shopping tomorrow, that should fix things. Love shopping.

Ativan

Feeling positive, off to Sicily on Friday morning for a few days to catch up with old friends. Hopefully will still be warm and sunny.

I'm so tired; I almost fell asleep in my econ class today.  I'm also incredibly frustrated with the way I've been procrastinating so much lately.

Depressed w/low energy. I can't do this anymore kinda feeling, I've been relying on to many anxiety and pain killers and I shouldn't.
But, printing out 12x18 picts on colored construction paper for effect. Boring, have a few that will be good. I haven't tryed the effect before.
I should be smoking something and watching old movies instead. As long as I'm feeling worthless, I might as well be useless.

Ativan

Quote from: @ivan on October 19, 2011, 03:36:16 PM
Depressed w/low energy. I can't do this anymore kinda feeling, I've been relying on to many anxiety and pain killers and I shouldn't.
But, printing out 12x18 picts on colored construction paper for effect. Boring, have a few that will be good. I haven't tryed the effect before.
I should be smoking something and watching old movies instead. As long as I'm feeling worthless, I might as well be useless.

Ativan

I'm watching Night of the Living Dead as I type.

Just stay busy @ivan, it's zombie time in America, you should pull up an old horror flick.

Took a fairly decent amount of Klonopin and slept a couple hrs.
Ate a really good dinner, and now the agitation part of the Klonopin is like ten cups of coffee with out the jitters.
I feel normal. At last. been a week or so.
Thanks Emma, your thoughts and empathy go a long ways.

Ativan

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit more regulated Ativan. I'm sorry to hear it was getting bad.

I'm tired and dippy. That's about it. Lol.

Stressed out and can't sleep. Have a flight in just over three hours and it's over an hour's drive to the airport. Still Sicily awaits me. Bacia la mano, picciotti! ;)

Mimpi! Siamo in attesa di youooooi ...

Unrelenting okay-ness.

I was tempted to invade pica's blog and quote john steinbeck, just to see if ( ze?) Would chase me off.

I could sleep more.  We adopted two dogs Wednesday, and our little terror kitten is in murder mode so we're keeping the cats and dogs separated for now. The cats stayed in our bedroom last night and the little ->-bleeped-<- knocked over my glass of ice water, and spent a fair amount of time doing claws-out tapdancing on my crotch.  Should've just put him in the carrier for the night I think.

I feel satisfied. Had a really good work out. I also feel better about being here at Susans.

Ativan

Now it's a feeling of sadness. I feel it was my fault that Zaida deleted herself.

Ativan

Quote from: @ivan on October 21, 2011, 02:35:04 PM
Now it's a feeling of sadness. I feel it was my fault that Zaida deleted herself.

Ativan

I take your blame. Perhaps she wasn't satisfied with my answer to her question elsewhere.

We were having problems between us. A couple Emails and just today several personal messages back and forth.
I think we got lost in an emotional translation.
Just leaves me very sad. I haven't felt this sadness before,...It's different for some reason.

Ativan

It's very hard to take, so I took a large dose of anxiety med. I want to sleep.
they woke me up enough to eat, but I havn't any idea what they were taking about.
I'm sorry, but its going to be a drug filled evening with the biggest dose to get me to sleep.
I know why, and yet I don't know a thing. She's just gone and I feel to blame...

Sometimes....the more we talk....the more we muddle. Most the time additional words add clarity but...not always. I'm quite terrible at knowing when to shut my big ass mouth....

Unrelated...I'm feeling very down. I struggled at work today. First day back after surgery and holy cow...I wasn't ready.

Unrelated to that...my dear friend won't call me. I don't know what's going on and I'm struggling to not take it personally. It's not about me...at least I don't think it's about me...this friend struggles with depression and severe anxiety and I suspect it's about that...and not about me. Still...I find myself making it about me. *sigh*

Just got back from lovely night out. So happy to be back amongst friends in Italy. Have had enough of UK, don't fit in and people my own age are boring generally. Great weather, food and company, happiest have been for a long while.

Like taking my best meds and crawling off some where, where I won't hurt anyone any more.
ativan


I should do what I think she wanted and just go and not look back

...

...

....

Perhaps shutting the computer a bit might do you some good Ativan. Get into nature with your camera, or take a walk...maybe call one of your friends who helps in situations such as these. Don't let your mood get the best of you. Times like these are when it's best to breath life, get some air into those lungs and get out of your own head. Swirling around negative thoughts never helped anyone. I mean the best...I swear. I don't want you to wallow. *huge hugs*

Quote from: @ivan on October 21, 2011, 07:25:57 PM
....

Stay strong, haven't posted much as am in Sicily. Missed what happened but am sure it wasn't anything you meant to do. Don't blame yourself :)

Today was just a day fading into another. There's got to be more to life.

There is, it's just outside of my reach right now.

Ativan

Today I'm calm. But not good calm.
There's stuff roiling beneath the surface.
I've been pretty outside-calm since I decided a few days ago that suicide was an option.
I don't have to live like this.
The roiling around is mostly because my partner promised to kill himself if I died.

Spent the morning cold and depressed.  Hoping for a better afternoon.

Quote from: Julian on October 24, 2011, 09:52:47 AM
Today I'm calm. But not good calm.
There's stuff roiling beneath the surface.
I've been pretty outside-calm since I decided a few days ago that suicide was an option.
I don't have to live like this.
The roiling around is mostly because my partner promised to kill himself if I died.

When I get to the end of my rope, I always consider suicide. It does make you feel better that there is an escape.
High priced, but what do you care, you're going to be dead.

Which brings up a lot of things.
You can always tell off those people you've always wanted to. You can even kill that bastard that makes your life a living hell.
Just make sure that you do it in a way that you won't get busted before you kill yourself.

You can act as looney as you have always wanted to, like mooning crowds of people. You don't even have to run away.
You can call them all chicken ->-bleeped-<- bastards who haven't the nerve to do it them selves.
It'd be wonderful to get a crowd of a couple hundred mooning each other, and after a few minutes wonder what the flick just happened.

Go running through the Mall yelling "Anarchy Everywhere", until you have a few who will do the rest for you. Incite a riot. Why not?
Wear your underware on the outside and sing 'Like a Virgin' off key. Go golfing and never yell "Fore".

Spray paint everything pink. Just slap the ->-bleeped-<- out of anyone you don't like, even if it's just for the way they look.

Get a parachute, go to the car dealer and take a corvette out for a test drive, off a bridge. Don't worry about the car salesman, his wife was going to file divorce papers and he would have killed himself anyways, besides, who doesn't fantasize killing a car dealer now and then.
Speaking of parachuting, find someone who will take you to 20-25,000 ft (you'll need oxygen) and see if you can beat the other guys at low altitude opening. Your butt will be so puckered, you won't be able to take a decent ->-bleeped-<- for a week.

Spend at least a little time sitting on a sidewalk or steps somewhere with a really smelly person and share a bottle of your choice. Have a nice chat about the meaning of life.

See if 20 hits of really good acid is better than one hit. Go slap that guy at the hardware store who calls you missy and tries to sell you what you don't want, cause you really do know your ->-bleeped-<- when it comes to hardware and power tools.

Learn to juggle running chainsaws. Learn how to chainsaw that idiot who is always in the way at the street corner, juggling. Shoot a Mime (use a silencer). just wear a clown nose all day and act like nothing is wrong.

Feed the feral cats in your neighborhood or just all over the city. Bowls of cheap cat food. (Have a nice day).

Go to the local gun shops and by up all the black powder you can. Put it in a pile somewhere and light it with a very long fuse or a detonator from a safe distance, but not to safe. Ignite.

Just do something that you would never do otherwise. It works for me. But I always got caught, 3 outa 4 landed me in the IC for at least a week and a 30 day stay in the Psyche ward. Trust me, it's a very long way back if you try it. And if you make it, there's no do-overs.

Ativan

Been in bed most of the day. Wondering if I have enough of various medications to get the job done. My prescriptions are running out. I should probably wait until I get them filled. At the moment, I only have enough to ->-bleeped-<- me up.

They'd bury me as a girl. They'd remember me as a girl.

Damn, damn it, damn it all to hell.

You've hit the point. Take what you want to see if it only gets you ->-bleeped-<-ed up real good.
Call your friends, ask them to intervene if they think its right.
Call the local crisis team or center, and listen up.
There is no glory, no understanding, there is nothing.
Call everyone you know and ask them, seriously.
911 and they will make it real easy to get the proper people together.
Your going to find out something that you just couldn't concieve in another way.
Go ahead, but tell someone who cares and knows where you are.
Can't take it? Can't deal with it anymore,...make the call, drugged out or not, you're going to find out who cares. many do.
I do, very much,
Ativan

It's late. I don't want to disturb anyone, don't want to wake anyone up. Calling 911 would just get me taken to the hospital I hate, and probably result in me getting put on medical leave from school again. I don't know. Maybe I should just get myself really ->-bleeped-<-ed up and hope it at least knocks me out for awhile.

Julian, Ativan. *hug* Both of you, please hang in there.

Ativan, Julian, please don't do anything, these things can and will pass. I may well be wrong but the last few days have convinced me that many of our problems may be caused by the places and societies we live in.

Am back in London, UK and as soon as I got off the plane the realisation hit me. Our anglo saxon societies are too macho, too threatening and too distant. You two are intelligent people, you shouldn't be feeling like this, it isn't your fault and it isn't you the cause. I can only speak for myself here but I truly believe one is better off in places where everything is in one's face and there's no getting away from things. Probably for those of us who are comfortable and secure this is not true, but when one is suffering it can help.

Anyway I'm totally exhausted after 12 hours travelling starting at five in the morning in a 'shared taxi' on a 110 km trip to the airport...

Stay strong you guys and don't do 20 tabs of acid! ;D

I do hear your pain and I understand some of it. (can't say all as I highly doubt you've voiced it all) I know the cure for gender related pain. There's a cure!! There's a way to make the monsters stop growling! There really seriously is. What have you got to lose? If you're at this point already...then what is there to lose? I told myself that I'd give it a month on T and if I still felt the same...then that frozen pond would still be there for me to jump Into.
Please be safe.

I know there are cures. And I know what they are and what I want. However, although my parents are willing to help finance my chest surgery, that's probably far off in the future and they don't like to talk about it. And my mom's assured me that if I want hormones or anything else transition-related, I'm on my own. With depression and anxiety disorders that make it impossible to attend school full-time or get a job, I don't know where to turn. I don't know. At this point, I'm hanging on because I promised my partner I'd crochet him a hat for the winter and I haven't yet.

Does your partner know your plans? That a dead person is making him a hat? Is it going to be a momento to your death?
Will he wear it proudly? That's your last act?
You gotta tell somebody.
So what if it's a medical leave,
That so much better than a permanent leave.
Suicide is the ultimate cry for help. For some, it happens and it would have been so easy to have stopped.
the rest find a way to get close, even closer still. They just know some mirical is going to happen
In a lot of suicides, the last words are "I don't want to die, help me,".
Or there is the horrified look, just before they go. But, with overdosing you're going to miss the show.
And they will pump your stomach, maybe more than once, just to see how many undissolved tablets are there,
comepared with how many they think you took..It's a very gruesome process.
If your dead and a donor, the onlly donations are those for medical students to see what drugs can do to you.
They can't be used to actually help anyone, like heres a lung or heart. You poisoned them, remember?
enough of my rants, but I've been there, even heard the warning beeeeeeee from their machines.
Strange people looking into my eyes and asking if I can hear them. They all seem so panicked.
for most people, thats when they realize their really going to die.

He probably wouldn't be around for wintertime. Said he wouldn't live a week after I died. That's why I'm here, is because I can't do this to him. Hope he's happy.

less depressed but oh so tired

I'm here. Talked with my parents and my shrink today. Just served to frustrate me.

Tired and have a virus and so have been in bed for a few hours. Spent 12 hours doing about 7 fresh installs on this rubbish computer yesterday and that probably pushed me over the edge health wise. Updated by mistake to latest Ubuntu and it was impossible to use so had to reinstall everything. Tried that Linux Mint but the WiFi card wouldn't work then the whole thing somehow corrupted itself. Five in the morning before finishing... >:(

The people who are worst at asking "How are you" are the cold-callers. Asyou sugest, the best way to cope with them is to tell them. For example:  Ooh I'm ghastly. My flatulence is terrible. I've been blowing off like a hippopotamus on beans all morning.  And then I've still got that pimple on my pfrrrrp.  It's just not going away. And then there's my big toe ....and....and..... (and by this time all has gone quiet the other end till you hear the dulcet tones of the lovely lady saying her little mantra "the other person has cleared".)

Quote from: Julian on October 26, 2011, 11:36:57 PM
I'm here. Talked with my parents and my shrink today. Just served to frustrate me.

That's in their job descriptions I think. You feeling any better?

18% watched...Is that 18% of the time?
Or 1/5 topics/replies. What exactly is 18%?
Ativan, (part time anarchist)

Quote from: @ivan on October 29, 2011, 12:45:47 PM
That's in their job descriptions I think. You feeling any better?

I was. Not no mo'. No one seems to know how to help me, no matter how much I try to tell them what I need. I just end up pushing everyone away.

And someone ate the leftover pesto-chicken pizza. Makes me want to kick a kitten.

Do you use any kind of anxiety med?

If not, get thee to the Dr for something. Even the ER will help you out at this point. If I was there, I would make you get in the car and go.

Ativan

Xanax and Ativan turned me into a zombie, Klonopin was nice but I OD'd and got taken off it, Buspar didn't have much of an effect, and now I'm on Seroquel. :P Everyone wants me to go to the hospital, but it only makes me more anxious and suicidal.

Once I started to get used to Ativan, I dropped the dosage to .5 (they come that way), and then pretty soon I was just PRN.
There were days that I had to take more than a few, but I learned to remove the cause or move away from the cause.
You're right about the zombie effect, though. It took a good week even on the half dose to learn to function normally.

I have a pill cutter that works on anything I've tried. I think most Dr write to strong a script. Just to be on the ?safe? side.
I'm always working to find the minimum dosage of anything I'm taking. Who wants to go from total manic to can't remember your name?
I always work the dosage down. I used to take Seroquel, I will never take it again.
That's a drug with so many documented side affects that it's worse than any benifits.
That ->-bleeped-<- will rot your brain down to mush in a few years. That stuff is pure zombieville. The Serequel shuffle.

They don't want you on Ativan or Klonopin because they're addictive. But, In the smallest of doses, its the smallest of addictions.

I have to deal with Bi-polar that can go into a full blown manic from hell mode in under a couple minutes. I take a little more Klonopin then.
But not to much, the manic stage is fun if you can regulate it. Same with depression. Why take those doses when you don't need them. But,when I do, I follow the script pretty much. If I'm going into situations that I know are going to be bad for anxiety, I sometimes premedicate.
Works out well. You never get to the anxiety stage to start with. I carry Klonopin with me at all times, enough to knock me out if needed.
I used to do the same with Ativan.

People, a lot of them, don't think about anxiety except in there little indesicion modes. They don't understand that your world is collapsing.
They don't understand that a full out panic attack is the scariest thing a person can go through. I gotta laugh when I saw the movie 2012.
Thats what a panic attack feels like. But they couldn't get the characters to even show just more than a little fear.

If all else fails, I have doggie downers to get me to sleep.Clonopramine I think. They really are the doggie downers you hear about.
I take a few of those and I can sleep through a car wreck.
To keep me out of the depressed mode, which has extreme suicidal tendancies, I usually operate just on the manic side of things, but that makes it hard to sleep.
I might not sleep more than an hr a nite for a week sometimes.

But the real point ,besides the dribble of my life, is to fight it. Be as proactive as you can making yourself happy.
Maybe even at the small expense of somebody else. What an ->-bleeped-<-! Yeah, but a happy one. Just don't over do it.

Life can be a battle, you have to become a warrior if you want to survive.

Ativan (are they still watching? Its a little paranoid ya know? I still can't tell which 18% they're watching)

When I was on Ativan, my shrink decided that four times a day like clockwork was a good idea. I'm pretty sensitive to benzos; hardly have any memories of that month. Lost a whole Christmas vacation to that ->-bleeped-<-. That shrink was a dumb ->-bleeped-<- though, I have a good one now.

I'm scared of the Seroquel now.  :-\ I take what I think is the smallest prescribed dose, and just at night to sleep. Is it gonna melt my brain?

I've been on so many different brain drugs and I'm still like this. That's what makes me lose hope: the thought that there's nothing out there for me.

I think the smallest dose is 25 mg, not positive. I took it at nite to sleep, after awhile it didn't work, so I quit it. Maybe it was just the idea of that, but I felt much better. It's not uncommon to be prescribed 100-200 at a time. I know people who who are getting as much as 1600/day, vegs all of them.

4x/day is to much ativan, even if the dose is .5mg. I only used it when I knew I had to or was going to need it. I stoped the 4x a day after about a week and it was so much nicer. When you need it take it, but only use it enough so you can deal (KEY WORD THERE) with what ever is the cause. If you need more, take it. They have to prescribe an amount that works when you're living a stressed life. Sometimes the stress is ourselves from taking these drug cocktails from the doctors

It's all about you, always. When your life gets to a certain point that you cannot deal with it,...it is about you. You have to forget the idea of a happy pill that is going to make it all better. You only need for anxiety, the reason that it's there, to stop. If it takes therapy, so be it. You have to stay proactive at all times.

I would see about the .5 ativan, at first they buzz you for a few minutes but, thats about it. If you need it fast, chew it. just tastes like chalk. If you can actually feel it in your system, after 15 min., you took to much. Not to worry, they wear down pretty fast. That the best. you should have the situation under control by then. THEY give you the TIME to fix yourself!
I wanted something that lasted longer, so I use Klonopin. My evils are in my head. PTSD. Once triggered, I know what it was, but my brain just goes off on a flighty adventure with me hoping It doesn;t kill me. Klonopin when chewed works fast enough.

You take care of all those boogey men. 99% of fear is self generated. You just have to find the triggers and let go of them.
It really scares me when you talk like your going to kill yourself one way or the other. I got brought back 4 times, 4 freakin times. Must have been to tell you not to. Tomorrow I'll go back to being a Androgyn and proud of it.

Ativan

Yeah, I'm on 25mg Seroquel and it knocks me right out. If I'm so sensitive to drugs, why do my doses for antidepressants keep going up and up? They still don't do anything.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm gonna kill myself no matter what. It just seems like it's only a matter of time. I've known I would die from this since I was about 13. Maybe it's still years and years away, who knows.

Have you tried Wellbutrin? It's the only thing that works for me. It's not a SSRI, but it is an antidepressant. I'm on a medium high dosage. 300mg.
Max is 450mg I think. I used to get that much, but I convinced them to step it down a notch, and I like it much better. I tried probably 8 different SSRI's before they tried Wellbutrin. Just ask them for it. You'll get smaller doses of what you're on and bigger doses of welbutrin. You should see a whole new world within a couple weeks if it works.
Don't cry wolf! it scares us that you are going to do it very soon. A lot of us (you know this) are sitting on the edge of the abyss.

Back to my Spanish lessons (boy do I suck at learnin this)
Ativan

Hi Julian, am very sorry to hear you are suffering like this. Just my personal opinion but perhaps medication isn't the be all and end all in your situation. Talking therapy be it with a counsellor, analyst, psychologist or psychiatrist can help and often does.

Myself I'm not a big believer in gender therapy as the problem isn't really ours but that of society and its mores. However general therapy can and does help. I too was suicidal once but didn't go through with it (thank god) as my car at the time was a two cylinder FIAT Panda 30 with dodgy idling and the engine kept stopping while I was getting things prepared. This was in the days before unleaded petrol, catalytic converters and so on. A big 'mille grazie' to italian ->-bleeped-<- engineering!

Or maybe it's because they're medicating you for entirely the wrong "problem"....I'm so upset that all these harmful, toxic, "zombiafying" drugs are covered and thrown at you but no one is willing to try/or allow T. The fact that these meds are all covered by your insurance but hormones aren't just upsets me to no end. I mean...some Tguys report getting their injectable T for like $8 a month!! Why can't insurance cover this life saving "drug"? :(

I know I'm extremely lucky that my T is covered. I don't know why it's covered because I don't think it's suppose to be...so because of that I'm not about to ask them why they cover it but other insurances don't. I just wish more people had access.....

I am getting therapy. It helps a little. My parents seem to think that therapy and piles of drugs will "cure" me of being trans, or at least of the need to make changes to my body. T's completely off the table; they won't pay for it whether or not it's covered. And they've been implying lately that they wouldn't be helping me pay for chest surgery after all. I know that once I'm not dependent on them and have a real job and stuff that I can do whatever I want, but I don't think I'll ever be able to get to that point without some sort of trans-related care. Which makes me suicidal: that I don't have any sort of healthy future.

We're here for you.

I'm very sorry your parents are being so unsupportive. :( Truly *they* are the ones that need therapy. No amount of therapy will end transgender. I can't believe they don't know that.

Use your financial needs to propel you forward! You can do this. You really really can. As I said earlier, there are fairly cheap ways to get T. Once you've got that step down you'll be more comfortable in your skin and able to move forward to the next step. This entire site knows exactly what your going through. It's not easy...but it's very doable. *hugs*

Quote from: Julian on October 30, 2011, 05:39:06 PM
I am getting therapy. It helps a little. My parents seem to think that therapy and piles of drugs will "cure" me of being trans, or at least of the need to make changes to my body. T's completely off the table; they won't pay for it whether or not it's covered. And they've been implying lately that they wouldn't be helping me pay for chest surgery after all. I know that once I'm not dependent on them and have a real job and stuff that I can do whatever I want, but I don't think I'll ever be able to get to that point without some sort of trans-related care. Which makes me suicidal: that I don't have any sort of healthy future.

Psychiatric medication should NEVER be given for being trans, any doctor or psychiatrist who proposes that should be investigated and quite possibly suspended. It's about time people woke up and realise that it isn't going away and that it isn't an illness nor something that can be 'cured'.

When one has a family that doesn't accept one and ->-bleeped-<-s up one's mind all one can hope to do is leave and make a life elsewhere. My own family were/are messed up, far right politics and criminal with it. I left at 19, indeed it was so bad I left the country and spent over 20 years working abroad. Best thing I ever did.

Be strong Julian. You owe it to yourself and to those who will be with you in the future and you need to get away from people who do not have your best interests at heart.

(((Big Hug)))

Quote from: @ivan on October 29, 2011, 12:45:47 PM
Ativan, (part time anarchist)

Hehe! Have you ever watched 'Las Libertarias'? Fantastic film about the Mujeres Libres movement during the Spanish Civil War. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113649/ (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113649/)

If you need a kitten to kick, you can borrow mine.  He deserves it.  The oozing wounds on my hands need to be avenged.  (And here I was just so pleased with how much calmer he's been in the past two days.)

Tired. Frustrated. Medicated.

Apparently my parents care about me and love me unconditionally and will do anything to help me... as long as it's this one therapist or this other group therapy program. Neither of which have anything to do with LGBT. I'm about ready to give up trying to help them understand that the trans thing is the source of the majority of my mental problems, and once we tackle that I'll be better equipped to work on the rest, if any are left. I spent the last day and a half saying it in as many different ways as I could, then got fed up and ran away to my apartment. I'm moving back home soon. There won't be anywhere to run.

I can afford half of top surgery with Garramone. I've spent today fantasizing about taking out a medical loan and having my partner whisk me off to Florida.

Ranty ranty rant.

All I can do is keep breathing.
Keep Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fORAPkfVV_A#)

I'm so sorry they don't get it. I understand how much that can just suck all the oxygen out of the room, and out of you. I'm having a similar problem with my parents in that "they love me unconditionally, they'll love me forever, there's nothing I can do to make that go away...but they don't accept that I'm *Sevan* and all that entails." um...what!? How do those two thoughts even belong together?!

I suspect the answer is yet but have you had books do your work for you? I don't know that they'd read any of the books...but "True Selves" really seems to help for some people as it's written for family and friends of the transgender person.
"Always my child: A parent's guide to understanding...."
"Understanding Transsexualism for Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals"

I can't say I've read any of these... dyslexia prevents me from reading and comprehending many books and I've given up (perhaps I shouldn't but that's neither here nor there at this moment...) but I've had personal recommendations for two of these three books...maybe they could help put words to your feelings where you couldn't. Conversations can be so charged emotionally...reading can defuse that. IF...they're willing. And I hope they could be.

Keep fighting Julian. You're doing great.

My mom actually asked me for books. I'll check those titles out, see if they're any good. Thanks. :)

Therapy today. This is gonna drain me so hard.

Quote from: Julian on November 01, 2011, 10:03:17 AM
Therapy today. This is gonna drain me so hard.

Do what I do when I'm pissed at the therapist. First take the high ground, insist on you getting the tallest chair. Answer all questions with a question. Say "I don't understand what you're talking about" about a dozen times or when they get tired of it. Always look them at eye level but just off to the side of their head, but still at their head, like the outside corner, except when you're done talking about something, then look them in the eye and say as fast as you can, "Know what I mean,know what I mean, I asked you twice now", then don't stop staring them in the eyes until they say some thing stupid.
   When you're ready to leave just stop and stare at him or her until they squirm a little and announce that "this was the least productive time I have ever had."  Turn and walk away without saying good bye or even acknowledging they exist.

My Watched time is in half, I'm gonna miss it when it's gone
Ativan

Eep.

I don't know how I feel about today. I brought up the fact that I'd been thinking about HRT, we talked about how I'm failing (flailing?) at school and life and stuff, we talked about possibly getting me into an intensive outpatient program. No one's so enthusiastic about that, though, as my mom. I'd just as soon continue with both the individual and group therapy and find a gender specialist to see on top of that. I think my mom just really doesn't get it.

Though she bought me some pretty wool yarn afterwards. She tries so hard.

There has just got to a way to get you on T for awhile so it proves it self out. And forget the street ->-bleeped-<-, you know that ain't happenin'.
School insurance, your partner help you out somehaow? anything short of a Psych stay would be good.

Ativan

I could tap into my savings, but that's my chest surgery fund. Putting off surgery even further makes me sad. It all really depends on how much it'd cost; the food/spending money I get from my parents might cover it.

I'm never staying in a psych ward again. I might have been there right now if the 911 people weren't so incompetent. My partner called them a few days ago, but apparently they wouldn't do anything unless he gave them my phone number, which he didn't know off the top of his head. So, no ambulance ride for Julian. ::)

I've just come down with a cold so I feeling sickly health wise, but emotionally I'm feeling lonely and lost

I finally have insurance again, so I'm feeling relieved. It took almost a year (after constant nagging and a hell's worth of paperwork).

Today feels like the mania is not going to slow down, but continue up it's spiral to over the top.
I have plenty of Klonopin, it's just going to be a this side of overdosing, haha
I bought a new I-pod, I can barely figure it out, but I'm getting used to it.
I have 3 spanish programs and the last one, the one I really want, might show up today.
I'm almost betting I will be at a conversational level by the end of the week, but then I'm also being manic. boo!
Ativan

Yesterday was weird. I think I was happy enough to make up for weeks of unhappy. There was a person walking a three-legged dog. "It's front-wheel drive!" said my friend. I bubbled with joy at the skyscrapers rising over fall-colored trees. I was ecstatic when the guy at the card shop gave us free sodas, and me 2 free cards. They were cheap cards, but I'd been looking all over for them. I made shopping dates with my partner and friends. My poor partner, who's supported me through all the ick, nearly cried for how happy I was.

I wish I was still at a conversational level of French. Haven't studied since high school. 2 and a half years; time flies.

That's really great to hear Juian! The dog is probably more fuel efficient also, I would think  ;D

Myself...aaahhh I think I'll just try and not think about the recent goings on.
The one thing I think is only right to do is to change my signature to a more proper one.
I've decided that 4x the usual dosage of Klonopin is now called for. Funny how that works!

Gotta new Spanish program to down load, so at least I'll have something to do besides feeling like I just got pissed on.

Ativan

*hugs*  :)

I find myself thinking at the same time "Ooh, be careful with the Klonopin, that ->-bleeped-<- will ->-bleeped-<- you up." and "Lucky. Wish I was still on Klonopin."  :P

*RAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*

*hem*

Quote from: Sevan on November 06, 2011, 10:08:45 PM
*RAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*

*hem*

At least you're still screaming  :-\ Roaring? I like it.

I feel like giving up. I don't look forward to tomorrow.

Quote from: Julian on November 06, 2011, 07:08:16 PM
*hugs*  :)

I find myself thinking at the same time "Ooh, be careful with the Klonopin, that ->-bleeped-<- will ->-bleeped-<- you up."

Boy I hope so, I think there's some Cap't Morgans around some where too.
I feel like more than just me is being punished for something that someone else did.
I never go quietly. Kickin' and screamin' the whole way. Except when I have a technical trick or two up my sleaves HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Ativan


Now where have I heard my signature before????

Cooler heads will prevail?

Or...they would if they were allowed....

Feeling mightily pissed off with this site this morning. Pissed off at my own naivety regarding everything be nice and fair too.

Have you ever met someone that you instantly wished would go away but the people around you instantly embraced and adored and you're left going 'Wait... what's happening ?'
There's probably 9 or 7 emotions that has to be worked through .... in a situation like that.

And every day you go into work, there they are.

Edit:  taking a minute to reflect on what I said, it's not just a work situation, it happens every where. I think I'm a bitch, which would explain a lot.

Quote from: "V" on November 06, 2011, 10:21:15 PM
Boy I hope so, I think there's some Cap't Morgans around some where too.
I feel like more than just me is being punished for something that someone else did.
I never go quietly. Kickin' and screamin' the whole way. Except when I have a technical trick or two up my sleaves HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Ativan


Now where have I heard my signature before????

Oy. I'm a 'cooler heads will prevail' type, methinks. Just keep your head down and they'll go away.

We must have been thinking alike last night when I snuck into my Klonopin and Smirnoff stash. Maladaptive, yes, didn't change my emotional state, but seemed like a good idea at the time.

So you can't send PMs, but it let me send one to you. I'm not sure I understand this system.

Quote from: Sevan on November 06, 2011, 10:27:36 PM
Cooler heads will prevail?

Or...they would if they were allowed....

Exactly.

At times like this I feel like invoking Godwin's Law.

Am very, very angry. Apart from anything else all this control is messing up my page loading.

I have nothing to say right now except thanks for the support I've gotten, it helps.
I'm on facebook as ativan al. I can really be myself there, put up some of my photo's. It'll be nice.

Maybe there's a group started or I can start one, who knows.

Thank you all,
Ativan Al

It's a pleasure, Ativan.

The Androgyne section has been decimated over the last month or so. The Forest appears to be strewn with with anti personnel mines.

A reminder:

2. Any attempts to stage protests, dispute the site policy, the TOS/rules, or actions of the staff; in the public areas of this site will not be tolerated and will result in your removal. If you have issues I suggest you contact susan@susans.org and not bring your issues into the public spaces on this website. For the proper way to raise issues see term #20 below.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)

Some of the posts in this thread are skirting way too close to the line.  Please take your criticisms to a private venue.

I can't find you on facebook. Maybe it's my facebook being dumb, maybe it's because I'm drunk.

Anyway, in the spirit of this thread, I feel frustrated by all this. Also depressed by other reasons, which led to me being drunk in the first place. And pissed off that my mouse died, so I have to use the trackpad.

(don't let them banhammer you before I find another way of contacting you. Does that make me sound creepy?)

Just so I understand....we're not allowed to express *anger* in the "How do you feel?" thread? Just...making sure I understand....

In other news...horrible day in the economy...horrible first day of work. Not sure how I feel about my surgery and that...SUCKS.

Tearful, helpless, banging-fists-against-walls dysphoria. If I knew how to prostitute or sell drugs, I'd be seriously considering it to pay for surgery. Either way, I'll probably need to hold off on T until I'm old enough to sell my eggs.

I haven't cut in nearly two months. Nights like tonight make me wonder why I bother to resist the urge.

Aw Julian... :( I'm sorry it sunk back into being so bad. It will lift again, always does. And you may be amazed at how you feel after surgery. Moving forward, taking a step...any step is the best thing you can do to lessen the dysphoria and quiet it. I'm not saying you'll not need T, just saying you might have an unexpected repreieve from your dysphoria. I did and it shocked me. In a good way!! Of course...but yea.

Bam! Alright.

Today I'm alright, and I shall try to make it good. I wish I had a color blocked dress and sweater combo that helped me put out "alright" vibes.

Super impatient.
April needs to come faster...

I feel pretty lonely right now for some strange reason. I guess its another one of those days.

Heavenlywind, if you ever need someone to chat with, I'm always around.

As for today, all I want to do is hide under the covers. I just wish I had answers. Or magic powers.

I wish people were happy.  My wife seems like she might be sliding back to depression and I can't put on the brakes for her.  I feel kind of disconnected myself.  I was reading some stuff about OWS and thinking, to some of them they have a real community, but I don't.  And I don't know what's going on here, if anything.

eh.

Back from being banned and feeling mightily p*ss*d off...

Quote from: .mattie. on November 09, 2011, 05:35:24 AM
Heavenlywind, if you ever need someone to chat with, I'm always around.

As for today, all I want to do is hide under the covers. I just wish I had answers. Or magic powers.

Thank you! I'll keep that in mind. I'm very angry right now, I was out taking a walk and my neighbors decided to drench me in water.. They were going over the speed limit, had their high beams on and drove over the puddle.. I'm going to have a chat with them about that..

That offers goes to everyone too. I've always got an ear to listen.

Today is...okay. It could be better, but it could be so much worse. I'm taking the day to be grateful for what I do have and thinking about the things that I might not have known previously.

Pretty good today, I feel like the manic I can be is under control.
I am trying to set up a group for Multiple Gender people on Face Book
I am not any good, in fact I'm lousy at setting something like this up.
If any of you Androgyn people wish to help, it would be greatly appreciated.
If left to myself, it take a longer time and probably have a lot of mistakes.
Thanks again!
Ativan

Fat and dumpy and guilty.  I don't want to see my shadow.

Excited about music though.  Last night we spent a fair amount of time doing solos (common in taiko) and even some duet improv (rare to say the least) and I'm eager to do more of that.b I'm also setting up my computer for music production again and I might get far enough this weekend to start working on a track. It's been a while and life has changed a lot since I last did it...

I am not feeling great.  It has been a while since I've done some work and a friend of mine asked me to design something with him.

I was so excited and I did a great design and I wrote a report for it.  It was amazing.  My mood was good and I wrote pretty well.  It wasn't easy because since I was down for a long time I was having doubts all along that I might not be able to do it but at the end the product was pretty good.

I had a plan to do some work, wach a game on the tube and then go cut my hair.  My dad was there and he was saying some weird things.  It was fine.  But later I went to continue work on the computer and he was like now you want to computer?!!! You were watching the game and now you want it.  It is not his business when I decide to watch the game and when I want to work.

I felt guilty because I felt that this is all happening because I am in my late 20 and I am still living at home. So really it is his computer not mine. But then he wants me to work and when I do he is giving me a hard time.  I think that my dad actually wants to complain.  He doens't care if I work or if I don't.  He just wants something to nag about.  The problem is that I do not stand up to my dad and I am sacred of him.

Of course it all spiraled down when I was thinking about the huge fight I had with my sister and I was thinking is this how I was treating my sister.  I think that I really need to talk to her and talk things out. I am just really scared.

So I come back home from having my hair cut and I find my mom crying.  Apparently my dad made her cry when I was out.  It sucked and the thing is that my dad is an ->-bleeped-<-.  He made my mom cry and then came to the room to do some work.  As if my mom was alright.

Who is going to console my mom me? He is not going to console her.  He was actually more of an ->-bleeped-<- after the fight.

Why is this happening?! I do something good and I have a great job done and then all this happens.  If I wasn't strong and learnt things on my own (somehow) these past couple of months I would have really gone down so fast.  I was able to weather the storm a little bit but unfortunately at the end I broke down.  I stared at the computer for 30 minutes without writing a word. I was out of it.  All the concentration and focus that I've built up these couple of days for the project was gone. I just couldn't focus one bit.  It is not fair that my dad can do that to my mom and she starts crying.  Also I cannot get involved because if I do I will be the one losing.  It is not up to me to solve the issues with my parents but what can I do when I come back home and see my mom crying.  The sad part is that I know that this will all go away and they will talk to one another again without my mom standing up to herself and telling my dad that things are not ok this way.

The thing is that it reminded me of how my sister and I had the huge fight and the cockiness that I exhibited.  We are repeating the same patters like our parents and I am not happy with it.  My sister is like my dad so she will do exactly like him.  She won't want to talk and she will turn all cold.  I am really scared to talk to her because I don't want her to feel that I am a drama queen and I want to talk.

Is life worth it?  I struggle all the time and then something good happens and everything crumbles.  Maybe it is just too late for me for anything good to happen.  Maybe all my life is a waste and my library of how to deal with things is so bankrupt that I use all the wrong things that I learnt to help myself and therefore it just becomes worse.

Maybe life is wrong all together.  Maybe my dad is supposed to care for my mom and maybe my mom was so depressed before she got married that she was so desperate so she married my dad...

I am just too sad for this.  Things are not working out the right way.

Oops sorry this was too long.

I'm sorry to hear that. I have male family members who treat the female members like ->-bleeped-<-. It's definitely not fair that they can get away with treating other people that way. I hope you and your mom are feeling better soon. *hug*

All in all I am OK, I have a delicious chicken wrap, playing on the Wii, just taking it easy. I have a paper due Monday though so eventually I'll have to turn on just enough stress to get motivated.

I'm spiraling again. Booze and Klonopin. Parents have stopped being willing to talk about transition outside a therapist's office. Then they ask why I'm upset and I can't tell them anything.

It seems like they'll be willing to be helpful as soon as that doesn't entail paying for anything. Once I've downed enough psych meds to be able to hold a job and pay for my surgery and hormones, they'll totally have my back. They'd love to help me transition once I'm done with it.

I get this anger welling up. I'm not saying I get angry, just anger. It gets all bottled up until it ferments into self-hatred and the only thing I can do is cry and cause myself pain. Ican't remember the last time I was actually angry.

Quote from: Julian on November 12, 2011, 08:13:54 PM
I'm spiraling again. Booze and Klonopin. Parents have stopped being willing to talk about transition outside a therapist's office. Then they ask why I'm upset and I can't tell them anything.

It seems like they'll be willing to be helpful as soon as that doesn't entail paying for anything. Once I've downed enough psych meds to be able to hold a job and pay for my surgery and hormones, they'll totally have my back. They'd love to help me transition once I'm done with it.

I get this anger welling up. I'm not saying I get angry, just anger. It gets all bottled up until it ferments into self-hatred and the only thing I can do is cry and cause myself pain. Ican't remember the last time I was actually angry.

But wait, sometimes transition is the cure! I know it's mine. It's even harder when you feel inflicting pain upon yourself is a decent idea (been there, the self worth = 0 thing). Please hang on, life gets better.

I know it's my cure too. I just don't have any way of financing it, and my parents won't help out financially until I can pay for it myself. Paradox. They won't even let me apply for loans or anything. I did anyway, but if I get it they'll do their damnedest to stop me. I guess I don't understand why they won't help or let me do it on my own. But they want me to do it on my own. They claim to be all supportive, then hold back every little thing I actually need.

In other news, my partner isn't willing to talk about it with me anymore either. I'm down to seeing the person I pay to talk to me, for 45 minutes a week. If I feel like ->-bleeped-<- at a time that's not Tuesday at noon, well, I'm outta luck now.

Quote from: Julian on November 13, 2011, 04:09:59 AM
I know it's my cure too. I just don't have any way of financing it, and my parents won't help out financially until I can pay for it myself. Paradox. They won't even let me apply for loans or anything. I did anyway, but if I get it they'll do their damnedest to stop me. I guess I don't understand why they won't help or let me do it on my own. But they want me to do it on my own. They claim to be all supportive, then hold back every little thing I actually need.

In other news, my partner isn't willing to talk about it with me anymore either. I'm down to seeing the person I pay to talk to me, for 45 minutes a week. If I feel like ->-bleeped-<- at a time that's not Tuesday at noon, well, I'm outta luck now.

Well, if you haven't found me annoying and deleted me from FB yet, you can PM me, I check it pretty often. I'll get you my e-mail.

Not that what your parents are doing is right or good for your health, but I figure their reasoning is probably that they're in denial and this is a way to "test" if you really "want" it...if you're willing to save up the cash. Again, totally screwed up and shows a complete lack of understanding about what it means to be a transperson...that's just my attempt at explaining why I guess.

Why is your partner no longer willing to talk about it? I got the impression that he was very supportive.

*hug* You can talk to me too, if you want/need. I don't always post but I check here every day and will see any messages.

Thanks, you guys. :) it's nice to know that there are still people who care.

My partner... I don't know. He's been wonderfully supportive, offered to help out financially once he was able, then he decided he couldn't handle it. I don't know if he needs a break from it, or from me, or if he's going the way of my parents. He seems okay with my presence as long as I don't show a hint of depression or neediness.

Also, ->-bleeped-<- my parents and their tests. I've saved for five years and am halfway there, and they wonder if I want it.

My family tests me too...my aunt says things like "well, why haven't you moved out yet if you want it so bad? Why didn't you drop out of uni?" and then when I have an idea of how much I'll have to earn "oh, you'll need at least $2500 a month to even barely make it." Lol. I know people who make it on half that.

I'm feeling pretty sad right now myself, thinking it will never happen. I just tell myself that in terms of how my family behaves, it's not about me. Their dumbass questions, tests, comments, cruelty...it's all about them. Trying to manage their own denial. Constantly seeking signs that it won't happen, trying to get me caught in the mind game so I seem "confused." Nothing they say or do can change my path, no matter how long it takes me to get there.

On the plus side I smell nice, and itunes has an option to re-download songs now if you lose them.

Also, dysphoria is super weird. I hate my boobs, i'd do anything to have top surgery, and yet. I feel less dysphoric sitting topless around the house than I do when I'm binding. No one's home, it's rather lovely.

I'm kinda weird like that too. I was all proud of my newly developing breasts then I took off my sports bra and sat on the bed - felt weird, just for a moment. They're new. Never had the family thing though, as I was always willing to pay out of pocket, and I actually hurt myself a bit in suppression.

I am so upset for your situation Julian. I wish I could just send you some T but I know it's not so easy as that. :(
Casey I totally get that! I used to really pay such close attention to my chest when bound, that it was the opisite of what I was shooting for. Sitting naked means I don't have to choose between female/male clothes. Just me in my skin and that's it and it does feel better.

I'm so frustrated with my parents. I was texting my mom and she said I needed to do more to prove I'm serious about my mental health before she'll consider helping me. I asked her what I needed to do, and apparently that distressed her so much she couldn't continue the conversation. Oh, and apparently I'm being a manipulative bitch by deciding to cancel my spontaneous visit home because being around them is upsetting to me right now.

Apparently, we need to keep up really feminine pictures of me up at my grandma's house (which are over 5 years old, and I'm 22) because to put up one with short hair...well we can't 'DO' that to my younger cousins when they come to visit. Yeah, like they never f*ing see me with short hair in person.

I'm sorry, Caseyy. That reminds me of my mom. Her office at work is full of pictures of my sister and me from when we both had really long hair. My senior and graduation pictures and the like. Though now that I think of it, those were some of the most recent times I got dressed up and had nice pictures taken. Could that be a reason, maybe? If you went to a studio and got nice portraits taken, might they be worthy of display?

Today I can do this. Based on a bit of note-taking and hurried calculations, it appears I'm probably on track to graduate from college at some point in 2013. That's, like, pretty much next year. And I know what I'll be doing after that too. It's like I actually have a life ahead of me.

They are professional. They had a photography group on campus and my mom paid like $75 to get nice pictures. Oh well, my other grandma will put them up at her house, because she actually hates the old one she has. And, as for the other one, she might change her mind - I know she was upset because they called my "new" name at the convocation instead of the female name.

:D That's excellent. It's such a good feeling when things seem to be falling into place, and there's a path towards future things. College can be a huge setback with transition, since classes suck up so much time and money, but once it's done the rewards are worth it. What are you studying again?

I'm going to attempt to cut my own hair today. The horrors. Every time I go to a hair place, even a barber, they charge me $10 more because I'm a "woman" even though I'm getting the men's style cut. And I don't really want to contest it with them because it would seem fantastically petty.

I've cut my own hair for a year. Mostly just a one-length thing with the clippers. A few weeks ago I tried to give myself a longer-on-top men's-style cut, and accidentally gave myself a bit of an undercut.  ::)

I'm transferring from psychology to pre-pharmacy. It's a bit of a relief, because psych is so open-ended in terms of career choices and I didn't know what to choose. Yet I'm nervous, because I still have that feeling that I don't quite know what I want to be when I grow up. Eep.

My mom came to my therapy appointment. We got nothing accomplished. I'm thoroughly pissed off.

Julian, sent you a message on fb.


I feel warm. Courtesy of liquor di limone verdello, straight out of the freezer. Think I'll visit the limencello next. Oh, Bella!

That's awesome Julian!!

Parents like to remember their kids as being kids. I dont have kids but I have older siblings (like way older) and all the pictures they have in frames are when they were young.  I cant speak for Julian or Caseyy's parents of course but maybe its not meant to be cruel.

It might not be. But then again, my grandparents have pictures of their children and grandchildren in various stages of life, from childhood through adulthood. I can't say what the intentions of Caseyy's family are. Though if there's one thing I'm learning, it's that it's hard for parents. They're probably just attached to their little girl. I know mine are. I spend a lot of time feeling like I killed Julia by coming out to them.

In other news, I'm getting really pissed off at a ball of yarn. Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful yarn. I'm just having an inappropriately hard time figuring out where to stick my crochet hook.

Quote from: "V" on November 11, 2011, 08:16:06 AM
Pretty good today, I feel like the manic I can be is under control.
I am trying to set up a group for Multiple Gender people on Face Book
I am not any good, in fact I'm lousy at setting something like this up.
If any of you Androgyn people wish to help, it would be greatly appreciated.
If left to myself, it take a longer time and probably have a lot of mistakes.
Thanks again!
Ativan

Mistakes? Isn't it just a matter of clicking on some prompts? Just asking, I haven't done any group stuff.

Quote from: Julian on November 13, 2011, 04:09:59 AM
I know it's my cure too. I just don't have any way of financing it, and my parents won't help out financially until I can pay for it myself. Paradox. They won't even let me apply for loans or anything. I did anyway, but if I get it they'll do their damnedest to stop me. I guess I don't understand why they won't help or let me do it on my own. But they want me to do it on my own. They claim to be all supportive, then hold back every little thing I actually need.

In other news, my partner isn't willing to talk about it with me anymore either. I'm down to seeing the person I pay to talk to me, for 45 minutes a week. If I feel like ->-bleeped-<- at a time that's not Tuesday at noon, well, I'm outta luck now.

Quote from: EmmaM on November 13, 2011, 05:08:38 AM
Well, if you haven't found me annoying and deleted me from FB yet, you can PM me, I check it pretty often. I'll get you my e-mail.

What Emma said goes for me too.


I came out of down period about 2 weeks ago. When I'm there, I wait them out. I can't kill myself because I have responsibilities (which, of course, I would not have if I killed myself). It's a responsibility that I take seriously despite the high or low of my mood.


As per the topic of this thread; I feel middling. Not great and not entirely miserable. I wish I could use my ativan to enjoy myself now and then but, for some reason, I am using it as directed. Maybe I am skirting a guilt. I would feel guilty if I abused the meds my doctor gave me. I wouldn't have an issue if someone just gave them to me.

I feel middling to guilty today.

Quote from: Caseyy on November 13, 2011, 12:53:41 PM
Not that what your parents are doing is right or good for your health, but I figure their reasoning is probably that they're in denial and this is a way to "test" if you really "want" it...if you're willing to save up the cash.

I thought similarly. Maybe your parents think they can wait you out on it. That you'll get bored or become distracted or simply change your mind. Try not to let them get to you.

Oh what some of my peers can never understand...

Quote from: Rebis on November 16, 2011, 05:37:55 PM
I thought similarly. Maybe your parents think they can wait you out on it. That you'll get bored or become distracted or simply change your mind. Try not to let them get to you.

Could be. Maybe they really do think it's a phase. Strangely, thinking and typing that doesn't make me angry. Just kind of, huh. Kind of like I've never thought about it before, even though I have. I've experienced this for the last five years, but they haven't. They think it's new.

In other news, I'm seeing a real gender therapist tomorrow, eep eep!

And the other day I was at a GLBT community center that professed to have gender-neutral restrooms. False. They're 'male-identified' and 'female-identified' and I'm even less sure which one to use now.

They're 'male-identified' and 'female-identified' and I'm even less sure which one to use now. Julian


That made me laugh ....thanks 

You could just alternate between the two?

That's hilariously stupid though, that they think it makes the washrooms "gender-neutral." Wtf? More like biologicalsex-neutral...and even that's problematic.

Maybe there really are gender-neutral ones somewhere in the building, just not the ones I was pointed to? I'm kind of holding out for that. It's a big place.

I hope so. My university campus only has one gender neutral washroom that I'm aware of, and it's for disabled people and it has no lock. =/ You'd think it'd be more important for it to have a lock when someone might need help going to the washroom.

Quote from: Julian on November 17, 2011, 08:43:09 PM
Maybe there really are gender-neutral ones somewhere in the building, just not the ones I was pointed to? I'm kind of holding out for that. It's a big place.

Yeah, it's probably a restroom for disabled people and it can be referred to as gender neutral because it already is. But if a disabled person catches you coming out of there, you'd better run. Larry David keeps getting busted by them on 'Curb Your Enthusiasm'

If the disabled person is in a chair, push them out of it and use it for your escape. This will either make you a hero, or put you on the FBI's most wanted list.

My tummy has been growing hairs. Not super visible, thick, or dark hairs, but there are a lot more than I've ever had before. It's strange, but oddly pleasing. I have a feeling it means that on T I'll be a hairy beast like my dad though, ick.. :( I'll have to lose my chub because if I look in the mirror and see him I'd probably die.

To old.

Horrible.

Kind of hopeless.

stickey

I feel like Julian isn't my name any more than my birth name is. Started doubting myself when faced with a bunch of forms with "preferred name" spots. Left them all blank.

My gender therapist told me that if they did surgery like they do hormones (informed consent, with a consultation to make sure it's the right choice), I'd have easily "passed". Wish that meant something, since she doesn't write letters. My other therapist can, though.

Why are GLBT health centers filled with condom bowls when most "regular" ones aren't? Most everyone has sex. Just one of those things that perplexes me.

There should be more free condoms in the world.

At the univercity health center they just started to have them displayed at the front counter, It's like a big bowl for halloween candy, but instead its all these wonderful different colored dondoms. Statistics shouw a dispropotionate higher likelyhood of HIV among transgerender people.

I would sign off, but it'd probably be a violation of some sort. Just writning the above made me wonder.

SO HAPPY THAT ATIVAN IS HERE!

Your presence grounds me. I don't know why.

I'm not grounded right now. My therapist is worrying , my foster mom knows it's getting critical.
First thing they do today is put more restriction on me. Like I'm some little kid. I'm surprised they haven't given me a final boot.
Something to do tomorrow. I'm all pointed in the direction of the hospital, and I don't think I could take a 7-10 day fun and games. Maybe I can talk my way into a 3day weekend. Then I could just lay in bed and draw psychotic pictures (that everyone likes for some odd reason). Maybe I won't have to go. I should just hide in my room here and not answer the door. Ahh, it would just be hell to pay later. Kind of like how I'm being treated at a more street level. Thats it! On my level, I feel like ->-bleeped-<-, on a street level I am ->-bleeped-<-, and on a higher plane I'm just another turd to not step in,I'm the big turd that doesn't want to step on any turds, lest it shines the light on them and the realization everyone will have that it doesn't matter how big ya are, you're just another turd that nobody wants in their yard, let alone step in it. long disjointed trains of thought. a bad sign. A bad sign......

Been there. Don't fret, friend. We just care is all.

Quote from: JoeyD on November 18, 2011, 10:41:02 PM
Horrible.

I can't let YOU run around feeling horrible! Nuh-uh, sister. Talk to me, let's move this to the salon or something (grabs her and wanders a bit out of the forest).

Like emma i'm glad to see you back Ativan. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself healthy right now.

emma - i like your new avatar pic.

I too am glad that Ativan is here. Really glad. I like to know you're still around. My gut reaction was NO NOT THE PSYCH WARD ANYTHING BUT THE PSYCH WARD but it really comes down to doing what it takes to keep you healthy. To be fair, it also comes down to the fact that my psych ward stays have done much more harm than good. If it's good for you, please go.

Really? The psych ward for me was like a vacation. Cost me 8 grand, but I met some really cool people and straightened most of the way out. It helped me put the knife in denial's back.

Oh no. I've established myself as the messed up one at university. Yay.  :-\ I'm not even that messed up.

Edit: I should clarify that it's not a campus-wide reputation...just with the person I'm 'working' for in about two months. Stupid me, it's a terrible idea to talk about anything personal with people who are in essence your boss. *sigh* She contacted me out of kindness, concerned that the work next term would be too much as she hasn't seen me around. I think she's worried that I'm skipping classes due to personal issues, and therefore can't take on the load right now. But I'm actually fine. Not perfectly fine and perfectly happy, but it's nothing that will interfere with performance.

Damage control time.

my last hospital stay, along with all the damages, narcotics, ECT,more restraints and then some more restraints and more injections (that was all they would call them) after I started to get bloody against the restraints, more injections, then on a bed with restraints, more destruction of hospital equipt, I think the total bill, in fact I know, was over $800,000.00 and I don't really remember being there. Then on to the transition area of a state hostpital. I either calmed down to get to a less violent unit or I kept going until St Peter, home of the criminally insane. By the time my stay was up, I could walk the inside grounds (Flight risk), but I had also aqurired enough credits that I had the most privileges of anyone they had ever had there. That's also whre I discovered that I am what I am. If I wanted at the time they would have put me through the entire treatment of meds ,psychologists and surgery. no charge to me. (Joe Satriani is at about 100db in the background)(wow...that was fun). My life has really been a series of gifts from life. I always land on my feet (even when it breaks them), well once I didn't, but I don't remember it , so its like it doesn't count.
Anyways, I'm scared to go back. I will have no control over what each day will bring.It will be the same people, different faces. what will happen? I don't know either. I think I overheard them talking and they think it will be less than 30, week -10 days tops. (Stevie Ray Vaughn, Texas Flood)*turn it up some more*.......Anyways, the decision won't be until tomorrow late morning, Maybe a Latte`Morning! I just have to play it out. Bye!

I guess the decision won't be until next monday, unless of course figuring that things won't get worse. Right now I'm pushing for two wks

I can hear the rocks as they careen down the sides of the black abyss and my fingers are growing tired.

Two weeks seems like a sensible stay, if you must stay. What am I saying? Perk up friend!! Don't let them drag you under!!!

(On another note, I can not believe they would even deign to charge 800 grand. I'd just hand the bill back, what are they gonna do? Make life hard? Put me in prison?  Psh, whatever. Not like they can do worse to me than I can.)

Bwahahahaha!!! A woman just called the house and asked for "the female registered voter of the house" (which I thought was odd...but whatev..) and I responded that that's me. She paused, stuttered...and asked "you're female?" and I was so shocked that I hung up on her! That's literally never ever happened before. I'm kinda pleased with myself...I wasn't even trying. (to sound male)

The thing is...I'm on the phone all day! At work where I"m not out...so I have to work my voice and keep a female tone. I sing on my way to work to warm up, I know how to sing song...while I'm not in the least upset by her "mistake" I do find it strange. I'm shocked really. Pleased, and find it funny, but confused.

This after a *VERY* hard day...complete with tears at work and feeling like I can't really do this life thing...but also feeling like not playing this "game called life" out...also isn't an option.

To come home and settle, snuggle, relax and then have the perplexing phone conversation...well I've officially experienced likely every feeling there is to feel...*today*. Yea...that'll do.

Furious. Weak. Powerless. Lightheaded. Scared. Numb. Cold. Argh.

Quote from: Jayr on November 21, 2011, 11:53:41 PM
Furious. Weak. Powerless. Lightheaded. Scared. Numb. Cold. Argh.

Why, why, why, why, why, why, why?

You can PM me too! I can be the young couple's counsel. :) I gotta get it tomorrow, though. Gon' be busy.

Partner and I almost broke up. We're okay, for now, I think.

Aw. :( Relationships feeling rocky completely sucks. *hug*

IIII am having what is amounting to a horrible realization. I think I made a mistake wanting to work in social justice...cultural studies...crazy! I care about people, but I don't know if the group-based, activist, hit the streets and inform the masses thing is for me. Neither is theory. Too impractical. I've often thought about the possibility of being a psychologist but wrote it off as "too hard" or wasn't sure if it was something I cared enough about. Seriously, how short have I been selling myself? *sigh* But I've come up with a clear plan of action. Finish this master's, as the funding is so high I am profiting, and use the time to audit psych classes, volunteer/work in some form of counseling to get a sense if this is truly what I want...and if push comes to shove, work full-time in my current field and educate myself to become a psych.

Ugh, why wasn't I honest with myself about this earlier? Blindly pushing through something I had doubts about.

.

So, the previously mentioned haircut has finally happened. I ended up buzzing it all over, 3/8 inch. I have to say, I had my "worst fear" in mind, in terms of how I'd look, but it turned out nothing like expected. It's decent! And it feels nice and clean, as compared to the animal that was residing on my head pre-haircut.

my mom almost cried when she saw it, which made me feel kind of bad for her. Welled up and said nothing for a good 5 seconds and tried not to show it. But then she said "So I guess you were too cheap to get a haircut?" and then that she felt it would look better longer in the future.

Despite being overall happy with it, I may wear a hat to school for a week or two while I adjust. Not used to having relatively dramatic, overnight physical changes, haha. I'd also post pics here but I'm a bit insecure about my acne lately, sooo.

Like a fish out of water, a spinning top, vulnerable, simmering, completely out of my element.

And still a bit afraid. My anxiety has spurred me into this. I'm sorry for scaring people.

60 hours before I have to see another kid, Hoooray!!!!

Quote from: Caseyy on November 24, 2011, 07:59:56 PM
So, the previously mentioned haircut has finally happened. I ended up buzzing it all over, 3/8 inch. I have to say, I had my "worst fear" in mind, in terms of how I'd look, but it turned out nothing like expected. It's decent! And it feels nice and clean, as compared to the animal that was residing on my head pre-haircut.

Yay! Buzz cuts are awesome. I love the way they feel. Wish I could rub your head. :P

The funnest part so far is after I wash my hair. I run my hand over and little droplets fly around like a mist.

Ahaha, I love doing that. This is making me want to buzz my hair again.

Today I am dysphoric. Hiding under blankets and avoiding reflective surfaces. I've gained a little weight, which always fills out my boobs. My binder is at home and I am not. This sucks.

I find that people treat me a lot differently too. I mean, if you think of me as a guy, I look dweeby, but since people perceive me as female, they seem to think I have more of an "attitude." In a good way, like I'm some tough gal who knows what she wants. It's kind of cool I guess.

Dysphoria sucks...my boobs fill out when I gain weight too and it's bleh. I miss being thin. But weight loss is so difficult. I hit 5 pounds and then give up.

I went to help my mom at work. I was shocked twice today. I introduced myself to one of her coworkers, and not knowing what name to use, just didn't say anything other than "nice to meet you." And then my mom said "it's OK, she's aware of your situation so you can tell her which name you prefer." My mom never talks about it, so I'm amazed she'd tell coworkers on her own. And then in the restaurant I changed my mind and wanted to have Coke instead of water, so my mom said to the server "can she...er, he, have coke instead?" Seriously, what. the. hell. I was mindblown. But then she went back to the 'she' because I think it was still weird for her. But she tried it out! I wonder where that came from.

Wisdom tooth hurts. :( No money to have it removed, unless I don't buy Christmas presents for anyone. May have to borrow money from the family.

Ticked off.
I don't know what to do.

Dad paid for the tooth, and now I'm able to get the troublesome one removed and the other wisdom teeth at the same time. So tomorrow morning, all three of these b*s will be gone! In the meanwhile though, the bothersome tooth is making me feel disgusting...just sick, swollen.

I found myself somewhat attracted to the (male) dentist. How unusual.

Edit: I was so obsessed with the tooth I forgot to mention that the super cute hygienist remembered me. ;D It probably has something to do with me looking female and having a male name, ha. I dressed myself a little nicer than I normally would at an early appointment in case she saw me, and yep, it was totally worth it. :P

I procrastinated and overate my way through a 4-day weekend -- Thanksgiving and my 40th birthday -- and woke depressed after an abstract nightmare of systems failing and bad politics corrupting all that is good.

And it's a cold, gray, drizzly day with the year's first few snowflakes swirling around noncomitally.

But I want to turn things around and accomplish something when I get home from work.  Not putting much faith into the idea of accomplishing anything *at* work, heh.  I've got some good music and some determination starting to flare up.

Ugh, nothing like waking up at 2:15 in the morning, not only in pain from the tooth that is being removed later this morning, but realizing that we have our once-a-month "mandatory support group" for grad students today...did I mention mandatory? And I missed the last one without excuse. *sigh* If I'm not stuffed with gauze and bleeding, and not in pain, I'll be highly sedated. FFFFF

Excited about the possibility of starting life all over again, again.

http://www.ed.ac.uk/schools-departments/history-classics-archaeology/graduate-school/programmes/history/msc-18th-century-culture (http://www.ed.ac.uk/schools-departments/history-classics-archaeology/graduate-school/programmes/history/msc-18th-century-culture)

Happy-ish. Made a semi-potential-friend who lets me borrow her iphone to email / internet  up to 5 - 7 mins per useage but I think as she sees how totally mature and responsible I am with her phone my usage time may (fingers crossed) go up.

My thumb hurts. So much Christmas gift crocheting. 2 hats, 2 shawls, and half a scarf down; only half a scarf, 3 hats, an ear warmer, and a gift bag to go. I freaking love it. It makes my Netflix time productive and keeps my mind off things.

I've been moodswingyand mentally fragile for a week or more now.  Easily frustrated, wanting to quit various things, feeling like there's impending doom... and then calm and content and pleased.

Whoa !  Classic mood swing symptoms  foosnark. I'm in a perpetual state of grumpy.

Julian, Would you feel comfortable with showing us what you made ? 

My friend forgot all about the studs I wanted her to make for me.

:/

Still fragile. Flighty.

Been living off instant mashed potatoes, pudding, and jello for the past three days courtesy of wisdom teeth removal. Preservatives galore, and my body just crapped it all out. Still feeling ill. Maybe I should get back in contact with my health nut friend. She was always trying to convert me and now may just be the time.

Quote from: espo on December 01, 2011, 02:39:20 PM
Julian, Would you feel comfortable with showing us what you made ?

I suppose I could. Tonight I'm going to my parents' house, which is where my glass mannequin head lives (I love that thing). I'll plop the hats on it and take a few pictures.  :)

I'm starting to worry I could give myself tendinitis or carpal tunnel or arthritis from crocheting for hours, but I can't make myself stop.

Quote from: Julian on December 02, 2011, 12:48:19 PM
I suppose I could.

Awe, I hope you didn't sigh after saying that. 
No pressure but......did you visit mom last night ?

Quote from: espo on December 03, 2011, 09:53:56 AM
Awe, I hope you didn't sigh after saying that. 
No pressure but......did you visit mom last night ?

Nope, no sighing. I was planning on taking pictures at some point. :) Today it's raining so I can't go outside for good light, but I took a few pictures in my room. Hopefully I'll replace them with better ones tomorrow. My room is yellow and it makes everything look yellow. >:(

http://imgur.com/a/I4DYh#0 (http://imgur.com/a/I4DYh#0)

And I'm totally at my parents' house now. We're putting up Christmas decorations today. :)

Wow, those are really nice.  I googled crocheting and took a look at the instructions to make a hat and OMG   complicated !!   

Royally pissed off at myself.

Pretty calm. I was having a massive anxiety attack last night...calmed down before bed (3 hrs sleep)...then this morning, I feel anxious again because I have a long day ahead. I have a feeling that tonight, though, I'll finally get my proper rest. :) Class is late tomorrow, no work due.

I've downloaded the violin theme for the Outer Senshi from Sailor Moon, which has made the morning epic too.

HAPPY! winter holidays are coming up!

fff. Struggling now. *sigh* I'm doing two of my presentations of lesbian-related issues (yeah, there's a lot this week) and the research is making me feel weird. I know that I'm transitioning FtA, but. I'll appear physically male, more than likely. And I feel...just so disjointed from a community that I cherished so much. Coming out as a lesbian was my most empowering experience, it gave me so much, it made me so happy and free. When I get into these lesbian politics and whatnot, I just get so excited, so passionate. But when I appear male how can I talk about how hard it was for me to accept liking women? Most lesbians won't want much to do with me, either, at least romantically.

But at the same time, to be seen simply as a woman, which I am not, is torture. I die inside when someone calls me 'she.' 'He' is a lot more comfortable, but I do think I'd prefer neutral pronouns. But no one will use it. I mentioned it casually to my brother to test the waters, and he said "that's weird, and too hard, and people who expect that just confuse others and it's stupid."

It just breaks my heart, why can't I live in this world as ME? As androgyne? As neither male or female? no matter which way I go, people will read me a certain way, a way which is not 100% truthful to my heart, my experiences. For the first time I find myself wishing desperately that I could be happy as "just" as a lesbian, "just" a woman, but that's impossible and wrong and bleh. Why do stupid stupid people have to try and push me into these boxes? Just because my body should be more "male" doesn't mean that my experiences as a woman should just be thrown in the garbage.

I wish the forest really existed. :( I'd live there, a place where we all understand each other and don't look for gender in one another. Just accept at face value, for what we tell we are.

Die die world. 

I feel like giving advice but I would be a total hypocrite if I did.  But its awesome advice

Trying to hang on. Crying while lying down is the worst; I think my sinuses might explode.

Sweet Julian!!! I dig those :)

I knit on a loom but it's rather limiting as to cool stitches...I can't seem to manage anything more than a basic knit.

How do I feel? I feel like I HATE disabilities and limits. I hate them. They make me very very sad. And pissed. But mostly sad. Ok...maybe equal parts pissed and sad. I can't decide.

I lost the friendship of the most incredible person I ever met. I feel now is a good time to officially give up.
I wish I believed in something

I woke up having lost 260 dollars. Funny, I thought I was micro managing my accounts well enough. It will take me two weeks to earn 260 dollars. Why am I not pissed?

No giving up, life goes on.

I've always wondered about disability limits, because I'm weirdly curious.

I know a few people in my city who have gotten disability because of "trauma" (one is a transguy who was kicked out for being trans, and then was homeless and a prostitute for a few years). (Not that something like that isn't traumatic, I just used quotation marks because that's how they refer to it. I think he was also diagnosed with a mental disorder).

I woke up with hope today, and did a lot of little things.
I seriously want to do my best from now on, but I know it takes time.

I'm truly sorry Espo. That sucks so so hard. :(

I don't mean disability in the "the gov'ment deemed me so" sense...but the "I see other people doing simple things that a reasonable person would expect themselves to be able to do/be/express/handle/think/etc" way.

I have fibromyalgia and I have been struggling recently. Knowing full good and well what I *should* be able to do, what I'm normally able to do on my good days, or even my decent days but then I sink into my bad days and it's just crap. Absolute crap. And it's crap I can't much abide. :(

Ohmygawd I just had a Lebowski flashback. Every time I see the word abide...  :D

Thank you Sevan. My fault, f****g issues.

My cousin was diagnoses with Fibromyalgia and suffered for a long time but went to a naturalpath doctor and she's actually allergic to gluton. I would encourage you to look into a gluton-free diet.

I feel ugly, fat, body dismorphic, a little stupid, hopeless and jobless...
But, at the same time i feel the days are going on, on with the show, and I will do everything, even twice the things "cisgender" people do, to feel better.
Must be my pills, must really be my pills...
No honestly, pills even stronger ones don't do anything beside giving time, the real change is deep inside and I feel it starting today

*hug* I'm actually going through the exact same thing atm espo. We had a huge fight yesterday and I'm pretty sure she's never going to talk to me again, for real. I was a huge pile of tears, because I feel just like this disgusting pile of emotions that nobody can handle, some sort of mental/emotional freak. I ended up crying to one of my classmates when we were alone in the lounge. It was embarrassing but she was very kind, she hugged me and held my hand. She made me feel a bit more normal and less screwed up.

I forced myself to go out with my class for a last-day-of-class celebration. It helped somewhat...we ordered a huge plate of nachos with lots of different sauces, vegetables, chicken, hummus. As introverted as I may be, I'm starting to think I was taking my isolation to unhealthy levels. I feel the need to learn to be more social and get to know people, because I'm discovering that isolation has been a very unhealthy pattern in terms of my mental health. 

Ya, some people find social settings to be helpful, mingling, making new friends, getting out. Hope it works for you.

Oh and my new potential friend quit her job today so I'm out of luck with the convenient way of accessing the internet.  Bummer !!

Me I'm lonely and tiered  -  Not really dealing with the fact That I've got no experience with relationships and that people who accept me as I am don't have time for me in their lives or so it seems.

Not sleeping Because of the whole loneliness / unloveable thoughts & crap I'm going through.  I  think I need at least a big hug

*hug* But not too tight...I have a chest cold and also feel like I'm about to vomit, so too much squeezing could equal a big mess. :|

I'm getting sick

I'm frustrated. Using an unfamiliar browser on my partner's iPad, and I don't know where any of the buttons are. Grumble.

I'm also running on four hours of sleep after a very emotional last couple days, so it figures I'm grumpy.

Reminds me of the thing I learned in therapy once...if I find myself over-emotional/grumpy. HALT! Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?

This flu sucks donkey. Fortunately, the upset stomach and fever stopped last night, and haven't seemed to return. I'm glad, as it's a chesty-coughy flu I have, and to have a stomach problem on top of that would suck.

That makes so much sense. The world is always a brighter place after I take a nap and eat some protein.

I have the kind of hangover that tells me yesterday must have been a good night out.

Hangovers.  It's been a long time but yes, I remember those   
Beer and tomato juice was my cure.

Tomato juice is blehh.

This cold, gah. My whole body aches, the place that pushes out the coughs hurts so bad, mucus is stuck no matter what...it's 5:30 pm where I am here. I slept from 9 am until now. Before that, I tried to sleep but just ended up crying because it hurt so much to do so. Mom wants to get me antibiotics, but I know better - this stuff is only bacterial like 1 out of 10 times, and they don't have much in the way of anti-virals. Plus my doctor is 2 hours away, unless someone drives me, sooo. *lays here and continues my own pity party* :(

The cold feels hugely improved today. But now I have period cramps YAY! My body is an a-hole. :(

I went to see a counsellor today. She's apparently a registered psych...I was told I would probably be dealing with a student, so to be honest I'm glad I got someone registered. I think this one will be different. The past ones...one wanted to make it all about my "homosexuality", the other was my gender therapist so that was obviously the focus, and the other I was in because I felt pressured to be. I hadn't really identified what I wanted to get from counselling either. Until now. So let's hope this is fruitful.

She said "I really admire your strength to work towards being kind and fair in relationships." I felt guilty, and admitted that. Not because I don't want to be kind, just because I have not always been kind. Kind was a good word for her to use though...it's the kind of word I hope people will use to describe me one day.

Pretty.

And that's coming from the inside, no one else shoved it in my face, which is useless to do since I never believe them anyway.

Nervous, excited, cautiously optimistic, starting to freak out.

I emailed a surgeon with pictures and questions about the kind of chest surgery I want. It's probably a little premature, since I don't know how long it will be until I have the funds, but I needed to do something to make some sort of progress.

** Thumbs up **

It might be premature but I hope you actively doing something to reach your goal will help alleviate your pain/dysphoria

Aw. My mom said that if my grandma (her mother) made her choose between spending Christmas dinner with her and spending it with me, she'd choose me. :) And she said that since I chose to not go this year (as my grandma said some hurtful things) she would make sure I had a nice supper Christmas night. My mommy loves me.  :'(

oh and Julian, wow!! I am so happy for you but super jealous. Even if the money hasn't come together yet, that's a huge and awesome step.

Thanks. :) I just need to sit down with my parents and discuss how we'll scrape up the funds, and when I can fit it in in terms of school. Might be as early as spring break. I don't want to get my hopes up, but they're up. I'm terrified they'll get crushed.

I'm sad. I think my friend here and I had a slight miscommunication. I miss her  :-\

Hugs emmam

I feel sad too
I think my transition will take so loooong even just to start it, and i can't stand all this waiting
I also feel sad because everything i want seems impossile to reach
And i say to myself i ll never look a woman, never wear my clothes and so on, being soooo tall and with biiggg shoulders
Sad for this and for the fact that i am, depressed by these feelings cant make my mind work properly to fight everyday battles, to pay attention, to learn, to remember, to , be functional at the work i'll find

Sadness is stupid.


>:(

I feel ignored. Deeply, terribly, intentionally ignored.

Ignored.

No names. People have the right to ignore, as I have the right to endlessly bitch about it.

The Q is an accurate badge. I like the word queer. Still a girl though, just a queer one.

Makes 100% sense to me (queer but still a girl).

I hate having to validate all my posts. Isn't it obvious I'm a human? I haven't yet made any references to pharmaceuticals or dating websites.

I feel like a blueberry cake doughnut next to a jigsaw puzzle.  I don't have a place in this puzzle and there's no puzzle in existence that I do have a place in.  I exist to be consumed.

Hmm. Sounds delicious. *consumes Maya*

I need to not let people on the internet get to me.

Quote from: Julian on December 16, 2011, 08:06:07 PM
I need to not let people on the internet get to me.

Preach.

I think I know what you're referring to Julian, and I think there was just something lost in communication.

I feel like a little Lobster about to be ate by a giant Whale. It really doesn' matter my opinion in the meanwhile

I like opinions, it's the people who have them that I'm not so fond of  :p

Worried. Spent $150 that I REALLY don't have to send a package and the post woman never gave me a receipt...didn't notice until way after too. I asked the person I sent it to to let me know when it arrives. The guarantee was 4-7 days (though generally 4)...it's been...well, 8. so maybe it's OK. Without the receipt I can't get any money back, and bleh. I can't even contact the gift recipient as she's mad at me and wants highly limited contact. But she said she'd tell me.

Mind you, I paid for it to arrive in 4-7 business days, I did not pay for it to arrive any later than that and I'm entitled to a refund (says so on post website). Why didn't I notice the receipt missing? Ugh. I just woke up, damnit, and already I'm stressed out.

*hugs Caseyyy and offers a cup of tea and a stress ball*

I'm frustrated. I've emailed three surgeons and none of them seem to feel like acknowledging my existence. I know if I called they'd have to, but then I'd have to call, and that's scary. The really frustrating part is that I've found a surgeon who's local and is the only one I've found who does the procedure exactly how I want. However, he costs over 2k more than either of my other options; which, combined with my inconvenient school schedule, means I'd probably have to put off surgery from late March to late December. That's a year from now.

But I made a spindle and bought some wool and spun some yarn, so that's happy.

I feel like there should be gay couples in commercials instead of it only seeing a man and a woman and a family.

Straight couples are extremely boring and overrated.

less couples and more single / independent / not-taken people would be a nice change

Thanks Julian. :) I feel better now...gave it some thought and a little bit of lateness doesn't mean the package won't arrive. Just gotta be patient; should certainly be there next week.

I know that at least here, surgeons aren't getting back to much anyone...the doctor I see said that the waiting list is at lest 3 years long and that the surgeon hasn't even acknowledged his referrals lately. maybe there's just a high demand on the surgeons in your area? idk, just a suggestion but it's frustrating nonetheless.

I refuse to believe that. I'm having top surgery in 2012, god damn it. Then again, two of the doctors I emailed are Garramone and Medalie, both very popular. If I don't hear back in a couple days, I'll have to start *gulp* making phone calls.

Ugh, phone calls are satan.

And how is it that my grandma is an amazing cook and does everything right, yet I still get diarrhea every time I eat her food? Faaack. Totally worth it though.

Having my usual nightly angst session. I wanna be fiiiiiixed. Waiting for my meds to kick in and put me to sleep.

Stressed.  The place I recently moved into has some serious problems, so I'm staying with my brother and looking for a new place to live.  Finding housing in this city is extremely stressful.  I'll set up a time to see a place, and get there to find out it's just been taken.  Dealing with some stressful family stuff on top of that.  Once I get through the stressful family stuff and find a place to live, life should get a lot better.  Better than before.  It's just hard right now.

4 am...time to go to the university and give my complete and total all on this paper. I've hated this class, with a burning passion, and today I am just going to research, plan, and write my ass off until I have 20 pages to submit this evening and then it's OVER. Doing a 20 page paper in its entirety in one day may be crazy, but hell, I'm crazy. Here's hoping I'll get it done.

I wish someone would shot me. or a car would hit me. or something.

That's pretty much how I feel.

Down. I feel like I wasted the weekend, though part of that was because I wasn't feeling well.   Sore.  Unhappy.  Whiny.

Friday my wife and I are going on a two week trip to visit my folks and then hers for the holidays.  We aren't ready.  I'm not particularly thrilled, not that I don't want to see my parents and my brother, I think it's just the depression talking.  There isn't anything I particularly want to do.

Stunned.

So. Um. Okay.

I'm probably having top surgery at the end of March.

Holy ->-bleeped-<-.

Quote from: Julian on December 19, 2011, 09:41:13 PM
Stunned.

So. Um. Okay.

I'm probably having top surgery at the end of March.

Holy ->-bleeped-<-.

Hooray hooray hooray!!!!

Omg! ;D Congrats!! How did you get the money issue sorted?

Honestly, I just sat down and talked with my parents. I'd had a long talk with my dad about my being trans a few days before, and that helped him understand where I was coming from. Last night we went over finances and discussed where the money was coming from and going to, why they weren't initially sure they could say yes to March. But it turns out that we can make it work, and even with the more expensive local doctor who can do DI without grafts.

I am so incredibly blessed. I woke up this morning and had to text my mom to make sure it was still true. This is the best Christmas ever.

Whenever I think about my situation, transition in general even, this song comes to mind.

ZOX - "Goodnight" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8C6gZ9LGkZc#)

Good night to the person I have been. To the place that I am in, good night.

Wow, that's awesome that they came around. So happy for you. ;D

Hooray Julian! :)

A little out-of-line.

Got news that an old friend committed suicide.

The horrible thing is that no one could tell he really was going to do it, no one talked him out of it.
I think thats what he was going for though.
This is really weird.

I'm sorry to hear it Joey, hope you will remember the nice times in the end.. Muc love

About myself, I feel sad and weak today ...all because of one phonecall with my mom. I shouldn't have called her but I did, because I wanted to wish her somewhat of a nice Christmas.

Sadly she always goes on and on about how the city (Rotterdam, Netherlands) I live in is full of thugs, criminal circuits and that the social works I talk to are involved with them aswell. Fine, that's something I got used to by know..but then she says : "Well I was followed by a group of girls who were gossiping about you and that you wanted to change" . So I was annoyed and asked if she talked with her neighbours, but no, she doesnt do those things and how dare I ask that. No, instead it had to be people who live near me who have 'connections' etcetc

The most painly thing is that she started about gender dysphoria again and questioned whether it was the periods of loneliness, medication (I used anti-depressants for +/- 5 years when I was a teen) and the society of today that makes me feel this way...oh and that I should get my DNA and my brain examined to make sure. She was very interested in that

I can understand she wants to know why and I'll try to ask my therapist for a test that might give answers to it but I felt very small and unsure of myself after she hung up

So I feel broken really

I feel at peace, and generally a lot better than I did the other day.

Cutting.

Quote from: JoeyD on December 21, 2011, 03:51:14 PM
Cutting.

That makes me sad. :( I know what it's like to deal with self-injury; I've only just recently stopped. Please PM me if you need to talk?

Quote from: JoeyD on December 21, 2011, 03:51:14 PM
Cutting.

Sad and helpless.

I saw this and I didn't know what to do. I fell asleep, confused,  rather than try to be a good friend.

Joey, you know how to get a hold of me. Julian is a good person, those with experience are best able to help.

I was getting all bent out of shape because I'm such a ->-bleeped-<-up and totally destroy anything good that comes nears me but maybe thats just how its suppose to be cuz it seems so frigg'n easy to do.  So basically I'm resigned to whatever

Why would you say such horrible things about yourself espo? :(

About being resigned to it ?  Well, its glaringly obvious I have to change but I'm concentrating on getting my spring employmented secured which is absolutely necessary and its beyond me to do both.

Intrigued.

I have a girlfriend at work, she was talking with her sister, I overheard her ask my friend whether I knew she had a crush on me. Then a supervisor I never see asked if I got mad at people calling me he or she. I prefer to be called she.

Quote from: Lone Cypress on December 23, 2011, 04:20:18 AM
Intrigued.

I have a girlfriend at work, she was talking with her sister, I overheard her ask my friend whether I knew she had a crush on me. Then a supervisor I never see asked if I got mad at people calling me he or she. I prefer to be called she.

Do you know if she talked with her sister knowing you might be overhearing it? So on purpose?  I hate those situations :P

All in all sounds like an exciting day :)

espo: No, about you supposedly effing everything up. I doubt that's the case. *hug* I used to feel that way pretty much all the time but i've come to see that while I do make mistakes (we all do), very few of us are as bad as we give ourselves credit for.

Emma: do you like her back? ;D

Apparently things told to a family member in confidence were not kept in confidence. The darker part of myself wants to go "well who can you trust? You can't tell anyone anything." But, I don't want to believe that. I'm struggling now to find a balance between being open and sharing too much. It's a difficult line to draw.

I'm Doing Family Christmas stuff today so I'm unsure how that will go,  They have been tolerating me for a while and there are signs of acceptance but Who knows If I'll get any Joy out of today - other then seeing My Niece and Nephew opening their presents.

I flew in last night and lost my iphone at the airport (duh!). Later I figured out where i left it and a good Samaritan had turned it into the lost and found so i was able to get it back. Lucky me.

Tomorrow I have to deal with the parents re: christmas. We've been in a rocky relationship for years and christmas is always an issue. I expect the usual guilt trips and recriminations about my supposed motives and the way that christmas should have been handled - i apparently never choose the right way. Ah well.....

The girls were being secretive.

I would totally do whatever she wanted me to do, she's just the right amount of cute and spunky. Not old enough to get a drink yet though, so she's pretty much disqualified.

Age can be messy sometimes.

A man. Cis, but bisexual, respectful, accepting. I know he sees me entirely as I am. And I'm drawn to him, but I have no idea what it is I want from him. While he's beautiful, it's not sex. While he's wonderful, not a relationship. I can't even see myself kissing him. But it's different than a friend too.

I am feeling absolutely AWFUL about my whole appearance. I hate my hair, I hate the shape of my face, I hate my lips, I hate my acne, I hate how fat I am, I hate my chest, I hate my stretch marks, I hate my hips and ass. Ugh. Usually, what I'd do in such a case is take some pics or a video or something where I look good but that just isn't cutting it right now.

Such true body hate is very rare, I'm usually OK with myself. I wonder what started all this.

Quote from: Caseyyy on December 24, 2011, 06:51:08 PM
Age can be messy sometimes.

A man. Cis, but bisexual, respectful, accepting. I know he sees me entirely as I am. And I'm drawn to him, but I have no idea what it is I want from him. While he's beautiful, it's not sex. While he's wonderful, not a relationship. I can't even see myself kissing him. But it's different than a friend too.

Maybe you want to be him.  That happens to me quite often a body a million times better then mine or an attitude or disposition that I would kill for.

Also, I'm really sorry that you are so unhappy with your body. I hope you're feeling better.

I felt like posting after espo for about ten minutes. Did it. Now I feel like eating.

 I swear I would have typed faster if I knew I was holding up your lunch haha!

Quote from: espo on December 27, 2011, 03:16:21 PM
I swear I would have typed faster if I knew I was holding up your lunch haha!

It's cool, yo.

I want a Q and an F for a gender marker. Right now.

I feel a lot better, thanks. :) just a bad episode of dysphoria. I'm glad it didn't last. And I do think that the dysphoria affected my feelings for that guy too.  Blah. Will be happy when I can be on T, it'll make a lot of it better.

Must clean this room, must work on school.

Really good. Ive decided im going to transition once ive lost enough weight and told my parents, hopefully before june if everything carries on the way it has been. Also wrote a parody to a song about how im feeling which im quite proud of, going to record it tommorow if i can sing well enough.  :)

Sad.

Quiet.

Afraid to speak to any negativity so....

;D

Yea...that'll do.

  On edge, first time in a year.  I will schedule a testosterone level test.  My beard is growing at the previous rate with some of the mental turmoil returning.  My provider had quartered my Spiro dosage and the estradiol in half 3 months ago. 
  Joelene

Woe up today With a stuffy head after sleeping last night in air-con. It is rather hot down under this time of year,  yesterday was the Last of the Family Christmas events and I just felt like I didn't fit for both gendered reasons and age gap reasons.  It doesn't matter how nice they are being, Family always feels Like the other 'F' Word.  I don't fit.
I've put yesterday behind me and I'm going out tomorrow night where I'll meet a few new people and I believe this group will at least accept me.  :)

I feel lazy. I don't want to sort through my huge piles of clothes or clean out my closet or rearrange my room. :(

But I get to see my partner tonight! It's been, like, five whole days since we've been together.  :P

i got a work for next year and i am studying, this keeps me away from being too much sad! I feel a bit stressed right now cause i want to improve faster, and I know that my psichology can improve very much working (right now learning pro e cad ), and i accept the stress. I want to improve and to feel myself more. I still feel a disaster about my body and my weight but i am hopefull

I heard a song that said something about feeling selfish and sad and thats so me and since then I've been so annoyed about everything.

Why can't any of the printers in this house just work?? I hooked up our ancient one from like, 1995 and it seems to have the most promise so far. Hopefully there's ink in it.

I went to the UPS store once and tried to print off one page and it turned into a half hour ordeal.  My gut instinct was to say forget and try somewhere else but I really really needed the copy and I didn't know where else to go.   

A friend just emailed, and told me that a guy she knows asked about me. He said "That boy, do you know if he's gay? He's gorgeous." Can't say I feel the same, but I gotta say, I feel like king ->-bleeped-<- right now. ;D

Thats awesome !!  Maybe the short hair is working for you after all.  ( Or you might just be gorgeous  lol  )

I'm not sure...with this hair, most women either think I'm a 12 year old boy, or they think I'm a really butch dyke and it seems to intimidate them a little. This guy must have thought I was an adult though, as it was on a university campus and in a private area for grad students. But in any case I think I rock the longer hair better.

My dog is sad and wants to be with me, but she won't stop farting.

2012 is looking to be a great year, if I don't screw it up too badly. I'm scared.

I got so angry tonight. I completely blew up at both my brothers. It was my fault, I let this crap build up all day and I just have no patience left. I was patient with my transphobic family member tonight, patient every time...at least 10 per day...where my brothers make fun of my voice and/or facial expressions, patient when he kept saying 'let's sell the hamster!' Finally lost it when someone took my laundry out of the drier, threw it to the other end of the laundry room (literally), only to dry two dirty ass towels so they could be used again.

So lessons learned: I let work build up again, that was bad. I need to discuss boundaries with my transphobic grandmother. I need to stop being patient when I'm made fun of and tell them it's getting old. As for the laundry, let's just hope it never happens again.

Quote from: Caseyyy on December 30, 2011, 12:23:04 AM
A friend just emailed, and told me that a guy she knows asked about me. He said "That boy, do you know if he's gay? He's gorgeous." Can't say I feel the same, but I gotta say, I feel like king ->-bleeped-<- right now. ;D

High five!

I just posted something I should not have. I hope it doesn't get quoted. Still, it was awesome, trust me.

*high fives Emma*

I dropped a horrible class and there are no consequencessssss. ;D *chants it*

Quote from: Julian on January 01, 2012, 01:55:49 PM
2012 is looking to be a great year, if I don't screw it up too badly. I'm scared.

Have faith in yourself. I wish we could be more helpful to you   :-\

Time to retire this dress. Dunno how I feel about that.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fa3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F384386_215467228537536_100002227802599_474878_1132008507_n.jpg&hash=acd5238c53e3b3117d11442c0826e2e5b2f1401f)

And give it to me?
Why retire it!


I need attention.

Quote from: JoeyD on January 03, 2012, 08:03:42 AM
And give it to me?
Why retire it!


I need attention.

You know how to get it, love ;). I decided to just closet the thing last night.

Once again a picture I have posted causes a stir. I deleted that from my FB. I'm apparently a polarizing figure.

Quote from: Lone Cypress on January 03, 2012, 11:25:26 AM
You know how to get it, love ;). I decided to just closet the thing last night.

I sure do!

I feel cute.

Quote from: Lone Cypress on January 03, 2012, 12:17:09 PM
Once again a picture I have posted causes a stir. I deleted that from my FB. I'm apparently a polarizing figure.

I'm not sure what you mean by polarizing figure but it sounds like you need to get some grown-up friends on facebook.

Quote from: espo on January 03, 2012, 02:23:44 PM
I'm not sure what you mean by polarizing figure but it sounds like you need to get some grown-up friends on facebook.

Agreed.

TMI warning:

I can't find a single place/time to be alone in this house and all I really want is sexy time. I need a lock on my door.

Horny.

lol minors gone wild~
no one can stop me.

 :o I'ma call the police Joey. You should not have sexual urges prior to marriage *waggles finger*

and my problem has now been resolved, making me a very happy person. The only downfall was that my mom and brother are watching some sport on TV and right as I finished they yelled "YEEEEEEEEAH!!! OHHHH" Didn't ruin anything though.  8)

Quote from: Caseyyy on January 03, 2012, 06:29:24 PM
Agreed.

TMI warning:

I can't find a single place/time to be alone in this house and all I really want is sexy time. I need a lock on my door.

Hey! If this has something to do with my picture you shouldn't be dropping the dimes in here  :P ;)

Quote from: JoeyD on January 03, 2012, 06:31:15 PM
Horny.

lol minors gone wild~
no one can stop me.

Jeez, must be something in the web because I have been dying for it since last night. I've been fantasizing about my friend basically all day.

Haha. ;D Maybe all of us have subconsciously synchronized our sex schedules or something.

LC's eye is freak'n me out a little. 

Completely lost my temper. got into a fist fight. Not sure if I won or lost.

But more mellow now. All this built up anger, issues, it's just a sign I need to take action and alter my course. Or else things will be this way forever and I'll have no one to blame but myself.

After I finish my coursework for tomorrow that's exactly what I'm going to do, create a map for the next couple of months and start making things better.

I've become apart of this ranting family.


I fell asleep.
With makeup on, that's really one of my pet peeves when others do it.
it was devastating for me.

Also missed my estradiol pill.
Life can't forget to pinch my ass every now and then.

tired and annoyed its too cold in here to sleep

Quote from: R3i on January 05, 2012, 10:22:58 AM
tired and annoyed its too cold in here to sleep

I'm having the opposite problem too hot to sleep and sleeping with aircon on means waking up feeling dry and yuck but too hot without it :(

Lots of anger bubbling beneath the surface. Only had to spend 3 minutes talking to her for that to happen.

You talking about grandma   >:( 

This morning I felt pretty positive, worked like a bugger and made some excellent tips. 

No, I was talking about my mom this time. In retrospect, I may have over-reacted. I dunno. In any case, it made it impossible for me to get anything done at home.

Debating whether to go home and sleep for a few hours, then come back and finish off the work, or to just keep plugging away. I could also sleep on the couch, but I'd be too embarrassed if I was caught.

I feel asleep in the library once. Weird feeling waking up with strangers sitting be side you.

I fell asleep in a university computer room once, I had typed a lot with my forehead and been a little sick on the spacebar. I had also written to my parents about 'eechin chixchem'.

The good ole days, huh

Ex said something that I took really hard. I don't know if I'm justified in being hurt; I drew implications from it that may not have been there. I can't really bring it up though. We both know our relationship is off bounds for discussion, it just makes everyone hurt. So instead I'm sitting here crying it out. At first I was angry at my tears, because I hate having one 'weak spot' in my armour and I feel like it should be gone by now.

But it is what it is. I opened myself up to love, trusted someone with my heart and my body after both had been abused. And I felt love, and for the time we were together she treated my heart and body with the respect they deserved. But it didn't work, and I lost love, so of course I can be sad. It's  a logical emotional response. Emotions will always be there, in their pleasant and unpleasant forms, what matters most is that I handle them with as much grace, composure, and clarity as I possibly can.

I'm so proud of myself. Even a few months ago something like this would have totally thrown me off course for weeks. I handle my emotions so much better than I ever thought possible. Even now, when I'm pre-menstrual.  :P I owe a lot of it to finding the right type of therapy for me, though.

Today I feel like Vyvyan in the clip Vyvyan is Bored (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfjGRBFd7mQ#)
Bloody! Bloody! Bloody! WHERE'S MY CRICKET BAT GONE  >:-)
Roll on spring....

Wow Young ones thanks I remember watching many videos of young ones with a group of friends back in my teens

I have a date set for top surgery, and it's freaking me out. As much as I want it, I'm afraid I might be making some sort of horrible mistake. Then again, not getting it would probably be a worse mistake. I'm just not sure.

I really don't think I deserve to be complaining about this.

Dissapointed in myself that I get so irritated so quickly at small things, especially regarding gender

Just two small things annoyed me today but left me somewhat numb and tired when I kept thinking about it: First was someone who said something about the food I made yesterday and that some men can cook good, so meant as a compliment ...but from the inside I was boiling again because I dont even want to hear that term 'man' used for me. Shoo, get lost, I felt like glaring but said nothing and stared in front of me while the other people ( all women) discussed their bf/hubbies' cooking. The second moment was at my new volunteery work (care centre for elderly people with alzheimers/dementia) where I had a conversation about the work times while walking in the hallway to the exit and she said "Well you are a young man and we could use you here, there are too few of you!", similingly .  I closed my eyes for a second and wondered if this horror would ever be over 

Ofcourse these people don't know about my issues but I always hope people can see 'it' without me tellling them...i know it's silly :\ (Some people do actually mention or ask about my sexuality, feminine appeal when they meet me but most don't, so some are just more sensitive or indifferent about it I think )

Short version: I'm being unreasonable again  :-X

Quote from: Julian on January 09, 2012, 11:00:08 AM
I have a date set for top surgery, and it's freaking me out. As much as I want it, I'm afraid I might be making some sort of horrible mistake. Then again, not getting it would probably be a worse mistake. I'm just not sure.

I really don't think I deserve to be complaining about this.

I have that on a daily basis aswell dear, but for me it's about feminizing my face for example just by taking hormones, or the breasts and wearing bra's. What if I make a horrible mistake....the thought of it makes me feel shivering. It's a bit weird of me because the closer I get to getting them by therapy and the more people I tell about my feelings the fears get a little worse, I didnt expect that at all (and I dont like it)

So it's normal (or so I heard) to have these fears and doubts, because your life is going to change!

Julian, I think it is good that you concerned about top surgery.  It shows that you thinking it through and fully understand what is happen.  I think I am ready, I sure dislike my chest ever morning when I shower and get dressed.

Full.

Today I moved from the quiet of vacation to the chaos of being back at work.  Not really a bad thing, since I no longer have to ask myself what to do with my time.  Still, it's quite a change from "this game is boring, I think I'll go play with the dogs and then do some qi gong and have a nap" to "here are the 7 top -priority bug fixes for today... no, 8... 9... also pretend you are a manager and talk to one of the newer programmers on the east coast... did you look at her code too?"  (Can I add she has a freaking PhD and I should be getting her to tell me what's wrong with my code?)

Quote from: Julian on January 09, 2012, 11:00:08 AM
I have a date set for top surgery, and it's freaking me out. As much as I want it, I'm afraid I might be making some sort of horrible mistake. Then again, not getting it would probably be a worse mistake. I'm just not sure.

I really don't think I deserve to be complaining about this.

Sounds like normal apprehension about a big change, even if it is something you want. You've been gunning for this for ages, something that would be unlikely if it was truly a horrible mistake.

I just finished an appointment with my counsellor. We had to plan another session; a lot came up and I gave her a better idea of what I'm dealing with, but as for plans, none. Just homework and some worksheets for the time being. She mentioned that I seem very strong, and that I apparently have a distortion as to how I present. I feel like others see me as weak, passive, someone they can step all over, but she says I come off confident, make appropriate eye contact, and am well-spoken, direct, and matter-of-fact. I suppose that's true some of the time.

You do come off as confident and I'll add secure.

Hm. Do you base that mostly on my writing or what you have seen of me 'in action'? (now it sounds like we have sex  :police: ) What gives that impression?

Maybe I do have a really serious distortion about how I present. I don't feel like I come off that way at all. I feel like others see me as someone who is fearful, and who they can take advantage of because of that fear - mostly because of my facial features and my body language.

Met the group that I'll be teaching this term. There is good news...there will be a lot of presentations and apparently tutorials are pretty low-key so I don't have to be majorly involved with them.

The bad news is that, intellectually, they're really disappointing. I had these apple pie in the sky hopes that I'd lead these really stimulating discussions but it just isn't going to happen here. I have to basically dumb myself down just to get to them.

Cantankerous, but not curmudgeonly.

6 more sleeps until school starts. I've been needing something to do with my time.

And 70 more sleeps until surgery. :o

Like a dick.

Exhausted. Coming out is tiring. Two groups yesterday, one today, and two tomorrow. But if I don't, no one will acknowledge me correctly and then I'll be stressed all term and wondering if it's too late to speak up.

Peeved. Partner doesn't seem to like gender-neutral pronouns. Says he "doesn't mind new pronouns" but doesn't like ze/hir or xe/hir. Says e/em is just "they" without the TH, and he doesn't like they/them because he insists it's incorrect when used in the singular. He also claims to feel bad when he refers to me as "she," but doesn't seem to make much of an effort to do otherwise.

He's getting a talking-to today.

Dry and cracked.  My hands and feet look like I was just found lying in a sarcophagus.

Happy the weekend's almost here though!

Positive!
finally shaved :D

And I'm getting eyelash extensions again today xD
Been a while since i had them, I might post pics :P

I feel very clean. I'll be sad when this bottle of Axe is gone though. Unilever tests on animals so I can't bring myself to buy more once it's used up.

I keep hearing things about 'Megan is Missing'...given my past, I'm not sure I can handle watching it, but at the same time, I want to face it, I want to see it and be able to watch it like others even if it leaves small mental scars.

I wish I could ask her to watch it with me. I don't want to risk it alone. I don't have anyone else I can trust.

So sleepy.

Quote from: Caseyyy on January 14, 2012, 02:36:55 PM
I feel very clean. I'll be sad when this bottle of Axe is gone though. Unilever tests on animals so I can't bring myself to buy more once it's used up.

I was phasing out Axe, but my parents gave me some as a stocking stuffer and then also re-gifted the giant Axe gift box my aunt and uncle sent Dad.  I hate Axe's marketing, but some of the scents are okay.

I feel rather gluttonous. Had waffles for breakfast instead of oatmeal or nothing at all.

Also, thinking about dying my hair. I tried to dye it red a week or so ago, and it didn't turn out. The roots are red, but the ends aren't. If I do dye it, I don't know what color I'd go. Decisions, decisions.

Woke up with a lot of anxiety. Feeling nauseated. I want to eat, yet I don't. I miss you so much. I'm so sorry my depression and anxiety weighed on you the way it did. I'm so, so sorry.

Hairy.  :-\

Shaken. I'm afraid today might give me nightmares tonight.

What happened, Julian? *hug*

Hi  i am traveling in asia and feel really good to day. Inn this city(Hong Kong) its really difficult to see ho is this and that. I can not figure out ho is gay/straight and it often difficult to see if someone has a male or female body. And fore some reason it makes me really happy.

Quote from: Caseyyy on January 22, 2012, 02:41:26 AM
What happened, Julian? *hug*

A pregnant, homeless-looking woman came up to my friend while we were outside the grocery store last night. She asked us for cab fare or a ride to the hospital. He volunteered my car, that jerk. So my partner and I reluctantly agreed to drive her while our friend went into the grocery store. The hospital she wanted was too far away, so we agreed to drive her to a store where her brother (?) worked and could give her money, or something. I spent the entire couple miles terrified she would whip out a gun or something, and as soon as we dropped her off and sped away, I started bawling.

It doesn't sound that scary. But in Chicago at night, anything can happen.

She was also a homophobic jerk. If I had been driving instead of my partner, I might have pulled over and made her get out. We were even near a hospital when it happened.

This morning I'm just more pissed off at my friend for volunteering my car, and the fact that I gave her some cash to try and make her go away and didn't get it back.  >:(

Arthritic. My investigation is leading me to believe some of my discomfort is from arthritis. If I'm right, its a relief to have a name for it.

I had/have arthritis affecting just my left wrist.  When it started it was pretty bad, and I thought it might be carpal tunnel syndrome or something like it.  I tried wearing various kinds of braces/supports which sort-of helped sometimes and was annoying most of the time.  When I finally had a specialist check it out, he spent about 4 seconds looking at the x-ray and prescribed pain meds. (Which were very nice, but maybe a little too nice, and with limited refills.)

I tried a friend's dit da jow (Chinese herbal liniment) that I'd bought mostly because she needed the money, and whether coincidence or not, it eased up.  It's only occasionally bothered me since then, and not nearly so strongly.

Some what ghostly, transparent, as I try to get used to this forum once again...

Ativan

Welcome back.  Better to feel ghostly then ghastly :)

Thanks!

I don't cast a shadow, yet.

Ativan

With both hands! :D

Quote from: Ativan on January 26, 2012, 09:59:39 AM


I don't cast a shadow, yet.

Ativan

What happens when you look in a mirror, do you see yourself.

I have never really seen myself, just what I look like. Except backwards.

Alive.

overly anxious, hoping that there won't be any harrassing phone calls at work tonight. 

Quote from: Jaime on January 28, 2012, 10:08:54 AM
overly anxious, hoping that there won't be any harrassing phone calls at work tonight.

Am I having a dejavu experience or did you mention harrassing phone calls at work before. Are you talking about fellow worker harrassing you or the public. Either way its the pits having work make you so anxious.

Quote from: espo on January 28, 2012, 10:22:07 AM
Am I having a dejavu experience or did you mention harrassing phone calls at work before. Are you talking about fellow worker harrassing you or the public. Either way its the pits having work make you so anxious.

Its not anyone from work doing it, I think its a few kids that are doing it, but I haven't got solid evidence of exactly who yet. The most recent have been transphobic in nature and I don't think my employer is taking it very seriously. There are no protections for trans where I live.

And yeah, it can make for a crappy day and make it harder to deal with customers for a bit after the calls too.

I wish I lived close, I would be happy to go knock a few blocks together for you.

How am I.... I am "Surviving" i think thats what the kids call it these days.. otherwise im quite dead O.o...

I feel like I should be tired, I'm not. Freaking mania. I should go watch TV, that is so fricken slow it should do the trick. Maybe an ativan.
I got my script back and am allowed to keep a couple with me.

Done...First a little 'Devil Doll radio' on Pandora, try it. You'll like it.

Edged,
Ativan

Like a tiger!  ...that was shot with a tranq dart.

Thorazine dart to the forehead.

Anxious, hungry, a bit light-headed, lazy.

Trigger-y. Food guilt. Disordered eating. Bah.

Quote from: Ativan on January 29, 2012, 12:19:56 AM
I should go watch TV, that is so fricken slow it should do the trick.

Huh.  Doesn't look slow to me..

Anyway, I'm feeling...  umm, I don't know, things are going so very right and so very wrong.  What a year so far.  Wild ride.

I hate being hairy.
I'm invited to go to the movies again since more friends wanted to watch the same movie i was supposed to watch yesterday, but now I'm all prickly.
I hate it. :|

Quote from: BlueSloth on February 04, 2012, 03:18:21 AM
Huh.  Doesn't look slow to me..

Says the sloth... ;D

Annoyed.  My company is indirectly doing business with a relatively well-known and respected transwoman, who the conservative among us has worked for before she transitioned roughly 15 years ago.  He apparently cannot even so much as hear her name without suffering massive pronoun malfunctions and speculating as to whether she really wants to be addressed as a woman or not.

Granted, people have publicly said much worse about her, but not when I was there to answer.

Makes me wonder how I'd be faring now if my soul-searching last year had brought me to the conclusion that I had to transition.

I came close to saying something today, and I still might if he keeps this up.

Quote from: foosnark on February 09, 2012, 11:50:14 AM

I came close to saying something today, and I still might if he keeps this up.

You can without necessarily outing yourself if that would be a problem, and you should. If not for her sake then do it for your own sake and sleep well at night knowing that you did the right thing!

Triggered. And weepy. This has been happening a lot lately.

((((((hugs)))))))))

Quote from: Shantel on February 09, 2012, 01:09:52 PM
You can without necessarily outing yourself if that would be a problem, and you should. If not for her sake then do it for your own sake and sleep well at night knowing that you did the right thing!

I agree

Quote from: Julian on February 09, 2012, 03:21:34 PM
Triggered. And weepy. This has been happening a lot lately.

Me too. A memory that had been hidden quite well suddenly came up and I can't seem to close that door again.
Hang in there Julian! (hugs)
Ativan

Quote from: Ativan on February 10, 2012, 05:36:41 AM
Me too. A memory that had been hidden quite well suddenly came up and I can't seem to close that door again.
Hang in there Julian! (hugs)
Ativan

Hugs!

I've got some unwelcome memories too. This time last year was really hard.

I feel like I should explain something.
But, how would I?
I can't explain it to myself.

Self-analytical. Sleepy. Anxious. But to be honest that's normal for when I need to go to sleep!  :D  :-\
(Sorry for the smiley combo, best way I could think of to express my sort of worried amusement about that fact?  ???)

I found out my 3yr psych evaluation is again due by May.
My anxiety level was through the roof, I got caught for it.
After a long talk, I've now settled into a depressed state that I shouldn't be in.
Everything just sucks.
I hate this feeling.
I hate being who I am.
I need my therapist for an entire day.
I just need her. She's that good.
*silently screaming in agony*...

Oh, Ativan. If I could hug you physically, I would. ):

As for me, I'm tired, and sort of wishing that I hadn't volunteered for something that will mean me waking up ridiculously early tomorrow! I'm a bit of a drama junkie, and they desperately needed someone backstage for a play that's showing at 2pm tomorrow. I haven't done backstage stuff in years, and the one time I did I messed up badly because we never had a tech rehearsal, and it's looking like this one won't either...  8) wish me luck!

Quote from: Ativan on February 15, 2012, 08:24:48 PM
I found out my 3yr psych evaluation is again due by May.
My anxiety level was through the roof, I got caught for it.
After a long talk, I've now settled into a depressed state that I shouldn't be in.
Everything just sucks.
I hate this feeling.
I hate being who I am.
I need my therapist for an entire day.
I just need her. She's that good.
*silently screaming in agony*...

She just sent me an email:  'I know how much you hate this but have to cancel apt 3/15 a much needed vac is on my schedule see you soon!'
->-bleeped-<- her... I don't need this, I don't need her any longer. 'I know how much you hate this'? Is this supposed to make me feel better, because she knows? ->-bleeped-<- her, I don't need this, I would cancel the rest of my appts if it wasn't for the evaluation that starts with her. ->-bleeped-<- her, it can take from three months to six months to get an appt with the right therapist, and then have to go through the whole why BS waste of time sh*t for at least a good month. That's like a major set back, time wise. ->-bleeped-<- her and her 'I know how much you hate this' Sh*t. As it is, I haven't been able to get the number of appts I can have because they have started to overbook like the ->-bleeped-<-ing always banckrupt airlines.
I wish I could just drop the whole place, but the county won't allow for that, unless I have a firm commitment from another place. And like I said, for what I need, it can take 6 months just to get an evaluation appt., and then possibly months before a regular schedule can be set up. Could go for up to a year before being effective. That would mean I would have to rely on my regular doc for psyche meds? Just ->-bleeped-<-ing shoot me so it is done. *walks in front of a truck on the highway...*

Otherwise, oh, I just feel fine. kind of peaceful. I always wonder about the calm. It shouldn't be there. There's to much serenity for who I am.

Well then email her and tell her that's not good enough. It's very unprofessional of her to leave you hanging when she shouldn't.

Did just that and left her hanging, in a revengeful way.

I know that's not the right way to play, but I didn't start it.

Quote from: Ativan on February 18, 2012, 05:39:11 PM
Did just that and left her hanging, in a revengeful way.

I know that's not the right way to play, but I didn't start it.

OK... Fenrir, thanks for the hug.

I may or may not apologize to my therapist, I have time to think about it.

But!, I do apologize for ranting in the manner I did here. I'll leave it up, if only for my personal reference. Sorry for all the F'n's.
Just needed a space to unload. It's done now, I have calmed down and am weighing my options.
Again, especially for those who don't know me, I'm sorry for using this space to unleash a rant of that kind.

Ativan

Quote from: BlueSloth on February 04, 2012, 03:18:21 AM
What a year so far.  Wild ride.

Yup... still going.  I expect to be emotionally seasick at some point.

I've concluded that I'm a soap opera character.

I feel good, great in fact.  I don't see why I should since all that's happened in the last week, but I'm feeling fantastic.

 I feel wonderful today. Grateful for myself, proud of myself, feeling confident and beautiful...

And I don't even have a clue why.

Quote from: Kelly J. P. on March 08, 2012, 05:35:02 PM
I feel wonderful today. Grateful for myself, proud of myself, feeling confident and beautiful...

That's good you should sweetie!

Quote from: foosnark on February 09, 2012, 11:50:14 AM
Annoyed.  My company is indirectly doing business with a relatively well-known and respected transwoman, who the conservative among us has worked for before she transitioned roughly 15 years ago.  He apparently cannot even so much as hear her name without suffering massive pronoun malfunctions and speculating as to whether she really wants to be addressed as a woman or not.

I came close to saying something today, and I still might if he keeps this up.

I would, the guy is obviously being a willful pig! My Bro-in-law is manager of a large company. One of the employees came out MtF and was doing her real life full time at work. There arose an undercurrent of grumbling. He held a management meeting and outlined what the situation would be in the workplace and the level of respect that this woman would get from everyone and that those who objected were welcome to submit their immediate resignation letter. Problem solved! Bro-in-law my hero because he took the initiative to thwart the naysayers and bigots up front.

The coffee pot got broken. No coffee. brain is sslowwinggg d..o...w....n...... got     to  find......a way ,,,,,to get dxcioffwwee.......

ALL OF THE FEELINGS

PTSD, dangerous, PTSD

It's late and this is as far back as I'm going to look for old threads that are worth bringing back.
Good night!
Ativan

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on April 10, 2013, 02:47:01 AM
It's late and this is as far back as I'm going to look for old threads that are worth bringing back.
Good night!
Ativan

Good going, this thread is a keeper! As I read back through it I mused over the changes in so many lives that had posted here. Thanks Ativan!  :)

Disappointed and just generally depressed. I'm sick of having to chase down doctors and therapists just because they know nothing about trans health care. I feel like a freakin' human encyclopedia, like I should have to provide all of the information...yeah right, and who's supposed to be the "professional".

I'm done trying to get therapy or hrt...this is pointless.

Quote from: Sky-Blue on April 10, 2013, 08:16:36 AM
Disappointed and just generally depressed. I'm sick of having to chase down doctors and therapists just because they know nothing about trans health care. I feel like a freakin' human encyclopedia, like I should have to provide all of the information...yeah right, and who's supposed to be the "professional".

I'm done trying to get therapy or hrt...this is pointless.

Wait....what happened to yesterday? You were flying high, where did that go? What about those people you had met? Surely between them they can come up with some resources for you!

Quote from: Shantel on April 10, 2013, 08:20:41 AM
Wait....what happened to yesterday? You were flying high, where did that go? What about those people you had met? Surely between them they can come up with some resources for you!

Only "k's" partner would know anything about that. And I haven't met his partner...

Even if his partner had resources, with my luck something will go wrong; something always goes wrong.

Also, I realized that I won't be able to start transitioning without getting hrt first...

Quote from: Sky-Blue on April 10, 2013, 08:24:49 AM
Only "k's" partner would know anything about that. And I haven't met his partner...

Even if his partner had resources, with my luck something will go wrong; something always goes wrong.

Also, I realized that I won't be able to start transitioning without getting hrt first...

Look, I get it that you are feeling sorry for yourself that things just seem to be on hold but consider this for a moment. Life is like a small child learning to walk, finally they get up on their feet and lurch across the living room, fall and bang their head on the coffee table and cry and scream. If they never got back up they would never walk and just vegetate. You are going to have to get up and make some effort because it isn't going to happen without your active participation. Find that person and ask some questions, you can do it!

Quote from: Shantel on April 10, 2013, 08:35:13 AM
Look, I get it that you are feeling sorry for yourself that things just seem to be on hold but consider this for a moment. Life is like a small child learning to walk, finally they get up on their feet and lurch across the living room, fall and bang their head on the coffee table and cry and scream. If they never got back up they would never walk and just vegetate. You are going to have to get up and make some effort because it isn't going to happen without your active participation. Find that person and ask some questions, you can do it!

Yeah...I'll just go and ask a complete stranger...

It's hard to keep getting back up again, and again, and yet again. Rinse and repeat infinitely.

Quote from: Sky-Blue on April 10, 2013, 08:45:49 AM
Yeah...I'll just go and ask a complete stranger... That's basically what we do at TG group meetings, it's what we do here!

It's hard to keep getting back up again, and again, and yet again. Rinse and repeat infinitely. If the desire is there you will do it until you finally prevail. You're no different than anyone else here hon!

Quote from: Sky-Blue on April 10, 2013, 08:16:36 AM
Disappointed and just generally depressed. I'm sick of having to chase down doctors and therapists just because they know nothing about trans health care. I feel like a freakin' human encyclopedia, like I should have to provide all of the information...yeah right, and who's supposed to be the "professional".

First off, it's not pointless. It's frustrating as hell, it usually is.
Getting a therapist that knows about non-binary people is priceless. I keep stressing this point.
Because they are really hard to find. But not impossible.
The amount of information that they have to soak up is a lot and it's not the same as for the Transsexuals they treat.
They're very similar, but it's really difficult for anyone, even therapists, to shift gears into a world that isn't as binary as they grew up in.
There is lots of information out there, it's kind of scattered, but not as much as most therapist think.

http://www.phs.umn.edu/ (http://www.phs.umn.edu/)

Right there is the link to the people who literally pushed the idea of non-binary people on the world.
My old Psychologist is Dr Walter Bockting. He moved to Columbia University in NY last Dec.
I now see Dr Gonzalez. I have been seeing Dr Feldman for a few yrs now.

Google Bockting, I think you'll find that his credentials are amazing. He was a past President of WPATH and was and is very instrumental in Trans* healthcare. He literally wrote the book about non-binary and when he couldn't get anywhere in the US, he took his lectures to Europe. Once they grabbed ahold of the concept, the people in the US soon embraced it.

Check out the Bio's on Dr Feldman, and the work she and others have done there not only around the US, but Europe as well.
This applies to finding a medical Dr as well as therapists. You will have to teach them about us.
If they are any good, they will take the time to learn more, to be of more help to us.

My current therapist talked with Dr Bockting and Gonzalez to confer notes about me. She was very impressed with them.
She's a management consultant for an international corporation and does management lectures and training courses for them.
Today is my last time I will see her, she is going to be spending more time with her management position with the corporation.
I will miss her a lot. Just like I miss Walter. But life goes on, and I'm sure things will be OK. I'm happy for her.
The point she made at our last meeting was that I taught her so much about non-binary people.
She is going to use that info in her new position. She wants to learn more, she wants to help us by teaching others now.
I had to teach her about people like us, she in turn taught me more about myself, knowing more from me.
She's a very highly regarded therapist and I had to teach her. That's how it works.

Any and all information they have at PHS is available to other Psychologists, Drs, therapist, etc. They only need to contact them.
They can make referrals for them to pick up additional info in other places as well.
They are very good with this, they work really hard at not only research, but making the results known for the professionals that need it.

Yet, at the same time, I am always answering questions for them, too. It's the way it works.
Therapists and Psychologists don't know all there is to know about non-binaries, nor do they know everything there is about Trans* people in general.
It's an ongoing process.

I opened my therapists eyes to my own nature, she in turn used that information with her knowledge of therapy and we ended up with a very good healthy relationship that I also have come away with knowing more about myself. This is how it works. It's a two way street.
There isn't anyone, therapist, psychologist, medical Dr, who is going to have as much information about you as you already do.
It's a back and forth process to work with them. It's not just a matter of them telling you what they know.
There isn't any college or university courses that are about nonbinary people.
There are of course one off lectures and things like that, but there isn't a course that they go through front to back and come out knowing all there is to know about us, let alone Trans* people in general.
Not very many specialize in us. Not that many are specialists in Trans* people only.
But there are many who want more info. PHS is one of the best for that.
The other is you, all of you. It is up to us to make sure they understand correctly, what we are all about.
That's a pretty tall order considering how diverse we are.
We learn from each other here in this section of a Trans* forum. Use that information to help them also.
It will make them a better professional for the next non-binary they see. It will make them a better professional for you while you see them.
If they aren't willing to listen and learn, don't waste your time on them, move on.
There are more and more professionals that are more than willing to learn.
These are the people to seek out. If you keep looking for that one who will know it all, you won't find them.
The people that know us best are ourselves.
But they can use the knowledge they have to work with you. It's a give and take.

It's frustrating as hell to run into so called professionals that aren't willing to learn.
Those are the ones who will ultimately fail as professionals, or become specialized into something that probably has nothing to offer you.
Leave them alone. Run away!
Go find someone who has been waiting for you to show up and teach them as well as they are going to be helping you.
That's just the way it is. There isn't any getting around it.
You don't just walk into a therapists office, listen and walk out all happy and sh*t.
You have to tell them everything, everything about you if you are going to get anything back from them.
Just like there isn't a good for everything that ails you med.
And any therapist who makes a claim like that is a snake oil salesperson. Run away!
Look for a therapist who is interested in you.
It takes time for them to get to know you well enough for them to work with you.
The more you tell them the better.

Even if you have to teach them about your particular brand of non-binary.
Because you are not in any book, anywhere.
But you are a walking talking fountain of information. About you.
Don't give up on therapists, it takes going through a few to find the right one for yourself, it takes time.

Which is one of the more important things to know about any help, medically, transitionally, HRT use, all of it.
It takes time. It takes time. It is going to take time. There isn't any short cuts.
If you think you have found one, be very careful.
Short cuts would be the main road if it wasn't for something wrong with them. Some of them could kill you.
They just aren't worth it. Plan on taking the time to get to were you want to be.
Have a plan, you need to make one.
You also need to be flexible enough to change your plan, because you are going to change as you move along with whatever that original plan was.
It will change, because you are going to change.
Isn't that the whole point of it?

Don't give up. There are people who truly care about you.
Not just care, but care about you.
I know I do. Because I have found that people are out there that cared enough about me.
Enough to keep giving me more and better chances, despite my mistakes.
I care. We care. And so do you. You matter more than you know.
Ativan

Scared. Stressed. Mostly scared.

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on April 10, 2013, 10:34:16 AM
First off, it's not pointless. It's frustrating as hell, it usually is.
Getting a therapist that knows about non-binary people is priceless. I keep stressing this point.
Because they are really hard to find. But not impossible.
The amount of information that they have to soak up is a lot and it's not the same as for the Transsexuals they treat.
They're very similar, but it's really difficult for anyone, even therapists, to shift gears into a world that isn't as binary as they grew up in.
There is lots of information out there, it's kind of scattered, but not as much as most therapist think.

http://www.phs.umn.edu/ (http://www.phs.umn.edu/)

Right there is the link to the people who literally pushed the idea of non-binary people on the world.
My old Psychologist is Dr Walter Bockting. He moved to Columbia University in NY last Dec.
I now see Dr Gonzalez. I have been seeing Dr Feldman for a few yrs now.

Google Bockting, I think you'll find that his credentials are amazing. He was a past President of WPATH and was and is very instrumental in Trans* healthcare. He literally wrote the book about non-binary and when he couldn't get anywhere in the US, he took his lectures to Europe. Once they grabbed ahold of the concept, the people in the US soon embraced it.

Check out the Bio's on Dr Feldman, and the work she and others have done there not only around the US, but Europe as well.
This applies to finding a medical Dr as well as therapists. You will have to teach them about us.
If they are any good, they will take the time to learn more, to be of more help to us.

My current therapist talked with Dr Bockting and Gonzalez to confer notes about me. She was very impressed with them.
She's a management consultant for an international corporation and does management lectures and training courses for them.
Today is my last time I will see her, she is going to be spending more time with her management position with the corporation.
I will miss her a lot. Just like I miss Walter. But life goes on, and I'm sure things will be OK. I'm happy for her.
The point she made at our last meeting was that I taught her so much about non-binary people.
She is going to use that info in her new position. She wants to learn more, she wants to help us by teaching others now.
I had to teach her about people like us, she in turn taught me more about myself, knowing more from me.
She's a very highly regarded therapist and I had to teach her. That's how it works.

Any and all information they have at PHS is available to other Psychologists, Drs, therapist, etc. They only need to contact them.
They can make referrals for them to pick up additional info in other places as well.
They are very good with this, they work really hard at not only research, but making the results known for the professionals that need it.

Yet, at the same time, I am always answering questions for them, too. It's the way it works.
Therapists and Psychologists don't know all there is to know about non-binaries, nor do they know everything there is about Trans* people in general.
It's an ongoing process.

I opened my therapists eyes to my own nature, she in turn used that information with her knowledge of therapy and we ended up with a very good healthy relationship that I also have come away with knowing more about myself. This is how it works. It's a two way street.
There isn't anyone, therapist, psychologist, medical Dr, who is going to have as much information about you as you already do.
It's a back and forth process to work with them. It's not just a matter of them telling you what they know.
There isn't any college or university courses that are about nonbinary people.
There are of course one off lectures and things like that, but there isn't a course that they go through front to back and come out knowing all there is to know about us, let alone Trans* people in general.
Not very many specialize in us. Not that many are specialists in Trans* people only.
But there are many who want more info. PHS is one of the best for that.
The other is you, all of you. It is up to us to make sure they understand correctly, what we are all about.
That's a pretty tall order considering how diverse we are.
We learn from each other here in this section of a Trans* forum. Use that information to help them also.
It will make them a better professional for the next non-binary they see. It will make them a better professional for you while you see them.
If they aren't willing to listen and learn, don't waste your time on them, move on.
There are more and more professionals that are more than willing to learn.
These are the people to seek out. If you keep looking for that one who will know it all, you won't find them.
The people that know us best are ourselves.
But they can use the knowledge they have to work with you. It's a give and take.

It's frustrating as hell to run into so called professionals that aren't willing to learn.
Those are the ones who will ultimately fail as professionals, or become specialized into something that probably has nothing to offer you.
Leave them alone. Run away!
Go find someone who has been waiting for you to show up and teach them as well as they are going to be helping you.
That's just the way it is. There isn't any getting around it.
You don't just walk into a therapists office, listen and walk out all happy and sh*t.
You have to tell them everything, everything about you if you are going to get anything back from them.
Just like there isn't a good for everything that ails you med.
And any therapist who makes a claim like that is a snake oil salesperson. Run away!
Look for a therapist who is interested in you.
It takes time for them to get to know you well enough for them to work with you.
The more you tell them the better.

Even if you have to teach them about your particular brand of non-binary.
Because you are not in any book, anywhere.
But you are a walking talking fountain of information. About you.
Don't give up on therapists, it takes going through a few to find the right one for yourself, it takes time.

Which is one of the more important things to know about any help, medically, transitionally, HRT use, all of it.
It takes time. It takes time. It is going to take time. There isn't any short cuts.
If you think you have found one, be very careful.
Short cuts would be the main road if it wasn't for something wrong with them. Some of them could kill you.
They just aren't worth it. Plan on taking the time to get to were you want to be.
Have a plan, you need to make one.
You also need to be flexible enough to change your plan, because you are going to change as you move along with whatever that original plan was.
It will change, because you are going to change.
Isn't that the whole point of it?

Don't give up. There are people who truly care about you.
Not just care, but care about you.
I know I do. Because I have found that people are out there that cared enough about me.
Enough to keep giving me more and better chances, despite my mistakes.
I care. We care. And so do you. You matter more than you know.
Ativan

Thank you. :)

Quote from: androgynoid on April 10, 2013, 10:55:57 AM
Scared. Stressed. Mostly scared.

Would you care to expand on that a bit Julian? You aren't telling us what you're scared of, I know it's not the North Koreans because they couldn't hit where you live with one of their shaky missiles, so first of all how did the interview go? Then tell us the rest!  :)

Quote from: Shantel on April 10, 2013, 11:02:53 AM
Would you care to expand on that a bit Julian? You aren't telling us what you're scared of, I know it's not the North Koreans because they couldn't hit where you live with one of their shaky missiles, so first of all how did the interview go? Then tell us the rest!  :)

The interview wasn't terrible. I think I did all right, but the interviewer seemed to be having a bad day. Still waiting to hear back.

I'm scared of change, I think.

I'm giving away a whole basketful of feminine clothes to my friend who's a trans woman just starting out, and it made me cry sorting through them, even though the stuff I'm giving away doesn't physically fit my body anymore so I couldn't wear it if I wanted to. I feel like I'm closing a door on a chapter of my life. I know I'm opening all sorts of new doors, but it's a big scary world out there.

I'm scared of what the future holds. I'm taking a lot of chances right now, and there are a lot of ways that things can go wrong.

I'm scared that the decisions I'm making will turn out to be wrong. I'm scared that my savings will dry up before I can find either a full-time job or enough part-time work to get by. I'm scared that I'll start T and end up more dysphoric than I was before, and unable to fix it.

I'm just really afraid right now.

Quote from: androgynoid on April 10, 2013, 11:24:41 AM
The interview wasn't terrible. I think I did all right, but the interviewer seemed to be having a bad day. Still waiting to hear back.
That part is always a bit disconcerting and leaves you wondering about things you'd rather not think of.
I'm scared of change, I think. Welcome to my world, it gets worst as you get older. I knew I was a goner when I had to have my kids program everything for me and it's just because we put up mental walls of resistance to change.

I'm giving away a whole basketful of feminine clothes to my friend who's a trans woman just starting out, and it made me cry sorting through them, even though the stuff I'm giving away doesn't physically fit my body anymore so I couldn't wear it if I wanted to. I feel like I'm closing a door on a chapter of my life. Yeah, I understand hon, you closed that door with top surgery and opened a new door and no doubt there will be unknowns, but try and see it as an adventure where you just stepped through a black hole and are now in a new dimension. I know it sounds silly, but it works for me. I know I'm opening all sorts of new doors, but it's a big scary world out there.

I'm scared of what the future holds. I'm taking a lot of chances right now, and there are a lot of ways that things can go wrong.

I'm scared that the decisions I'm making will turn out to be wrong. I'm scared that my savings will dry up before I can find either a full-time job or enough part-time work to get by. I'm scared that I'll start T and end up more dysphoric than I was before, and unable to fix it. I know that a lot of that fear and apprehension is hormonally driven right now and that will no doubt change, you probably need to work on it in your own head though and don't count on T to make changes in your thinking completely. Like I've said for cis males, most of their male macho behavior is learned and a smaller percentage is T driven. That's why so many MtF types who weren't necessarily sissies or gay to begin with have such a huge learning curve.

I'm just really afraid right now. Don't be you're young. If you screw up just pick yourself back up and hit the reset button, you will be just fine Julien.

I'm not sure exactly what Dr Bockting is working on at the moment or even if he's seeing anyone.
It's been since Dec '12, that I last talked.
Anyone that you see in NY can find info from PHS at the UofM.
It's based on many really good peoples collaborations.
Only some of it is his, although he is a main contributor there.
Ativan

Quote from: androgynoid on April 10, 2013, 11:24:41 AM
I'm scared of change, I think.
I feel like I'm closing a door on a chapter of my life. I know I'm opening all sorts of new doors, but it's a big scary world out there.
I'm scared of what the future holds. I'm taking a lot of chances right now, and there are a lot of ways that things can go wrong.
I'm scared that the decisions I'm making will turn out to be wrong.
I'm just really afraid right now.

'It took me a long time to understand the beauty of just letting go.'

Closing doors is like that, you just have to let go sometimes. There is a certain beauty in just doing it.
Change is hard to do, I don't like it. The future is always uncertain. Things can go wrong.
Just keep paying attention, and keep an eye on those things that can go wrong.
As well as those things that are going to be right.
Being afraid is yourself's way of making you pay attention.
Just don't let fear become your decision maker for you.
I'm gonna go see my therapist for the last time in about an hour.
That door is closing and I don't have another one lined up yet.
I'm afraid I won't find one I like. But really, I know I will.
Even in the face of that uncertainty, I refuse to let it get to me.
Today I'm just going to enjoy the beauty of letting go of my therapist.
You know how to do that, too. I know you do. You've done it before.
Sty in touch
Ativan

Thank you, Shan. I needed some reassurance.

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on April 10, 2013, 03:52:16 PM
Closing doors is like that, you just have to let go sometimes. There is a certain beauty in just doing it.
Change is hard to do, I don't like it. The future is always uncertain. Things can go wrong.
Just keep paying attention, and keep an eye on those things that can go wrong.
As well as those things that are going to be right.
Being afraid is yourself's way of making you pay attention.
Just don't let fear become your decision maker for you.

Well, my friend took me out to lunch yesterday, and I gave her the clothes. All gone. The actual getting rid of things is hard, but once they're gone I realize I don't need them and I feel lighter. I'll hold onto that.

I think I need to learn the difference between keeping an eye on things and the constant-vigilance type of anxiety I'm prone to. I've been better lately at not letting myself make decisions out of fear, though. So that's progress.

In other news, I swear I'm gaining weight and I swear it's going to my chest. It's freaking me out so much, but that might mostly be because I'm in such a high-stress state already.

I showed up at my therapist's and she had her replacement there to meet me.
We got along really well.
I am on her schedule, same day of the week, each week at the same time.
It was great! My old therapist was able to make the arrangement a couple days ago.
I was worried, I was wondering, I was concerned,.... What if?....
I'm anxiety prone (Ativan), it's a part of why I see a therapist.
And getting into manic modes just amplifies it to that constant-vigilance kind of thing, for me too.
Hyper-awareness. My pupils actually dilate more than normal.
All of which is really just the normal to me, after all these years.
It is difficult to just let it go, I have to stay on top of it consistently to keep it from overrunning me.
Ativan

better than ten minutes ago. eating something at lunch really helps...

also getting rid of some unnecessary anxiety after getting a job where i at times curse my superiors for giving me too difficult tasks. doing the impossible apparently helps me get some perspective on the insignificant things i tend to overthink and make into something that seemingly will result in a personal apocalypse. got some good experiences with people being helpful and thankful, it works wonders with my self confidence even though i know that the helpful ones do it as part of their job.

(Oh look, I'm back!) The last few weeks were rough.  Most of it came from complications with a friend, but I'm less angry, sad, and jealous, so that's a plus. 

Today, I feel really good.  I found an app called "Zombies, Run!" and started the 8K training adventure (think video game through your ears while exercising).  And, I'm becoming a part of the band fraternity on campus, and started learning more about that.  I was really worried about this group project that I had to do for my Social Science Education class...Where we learn how to teach.  But, that went way better than expected, and my group was highly praised.

Quote from: hazelspikes on April 12, 2013, 08:11:26 PM
(Oh look, I'm back!) The last few weeks were rough.  Most of it came from complications with a friend, but I'm less angry, sad, and jealous, so that's a plus. 

Today, I feel really good.  I found an app called "Zombies, Run!" and started the 8K training adventure (think video game through your ears while exercising).  And, I'm becoming a part of the band fraternity on campus, and started learning more about that.  I was really worried about this group project that I had to do for my Social Science Education class...Where we learn how to teach.  But, that went way better than expected, and my group was highly praised.

Don't think that you weren't missed, sounds like you're doing well, welcome back!

Quote from: Shantel on April 12, 2013, 08:18:24 PM
Don't think that you weren't missed, sounds like you're doing well, welcome back!

Aw, thanks! It's good to be back. My life had got really hectic.  :D

welcome back. i also just recently came by again, after having dealing with real life.

right now, i'm feeling sad. my family is falling apart, and there's nothing i can or want to do about it. we haven't been much of a family for far too long, but what makes me sad is that this might end with my step father moving away. i don't want that, he's the only person i have who comes near being a parent to me, and i don't know what will happen to my childhood home if he leaves. but it's not like i can ask him to stay with my mother when even i am leaving her now. the only relation that will be left between me and her is that she's my child's grandmother, and my younger siblings' mother. they're the only ones she's almost managed to treat right.

anyway, i'm sad. but the feeling is not bitter. we'll probably all be better off with some distance between us.

I am sucidal and depressed.


I dont want to do anything just stay in the bedroom with the curtains down.

that's not very good. if i knew you better, i'd cuddle you and whisper sweet words to you until either the feeling went away, or you got so tired of me that you gave up staying in your room doing nothing.

is there anything you want to talk about, or are you just feeling down for a moment?

That would have been nice indeed :).


No there is nothing to talk about really, it is just me and my stupid feelings. I dont even know why I am so low sometimes.

Hopefully time will bring  improvement. But right now I am just dissatisfied.

Quote from: Taka on April 17, 2013, 07:22:27 AM
that's not very good. if i knew you better, i'd cuddle you and whisper sweet words to you until either the feeling went away, or you got so tired of me that you gave up staying in your room doing nothing.

is there anything you want to talk about, or are you just feeling down for a moment?

Quote from: Carolina1983 on April 17, 2013, 08:34:31 AM
No there is nothing to talk about really, it is just me and my stupid feelings. I dont even know why I am so low sometimes.
Hopefully time will bring  improvement. But right now I am just dissatisfied.

I get this. I do it on an almost regular basis. Suicidal Ideation.
I have a small, but efficient network of trusted people. I can tell them without repercussion, and they just keep an eye on me.
Feelings like this or that are never stupid. They usually have more meaning than you credit them for.
Time is always the biggest factor. Riding out the storm,...
You take care and talk to us all you want. Email if you want.
* whispering softly and hoping the words cuddle you like Taka said...
I care. We care. You matter more than you know.
Ativan

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on April 17, 2013, 02:08:47 PM
I get this. I do it on an almost regular basis. Suicidal Ideation.
I have a small, but efficient network of trusted people. I can tell them without repercussion, and they just keep an eye on me.
Feelings like this or that are never stupid. They usually have more meaning than you credit them for.
Time is always the biggest factor. Riding out the storm,...
You take care and talk to us all you want. Email if you want.
* whispering softly and hoping the words cuddle you like Taka said...
I care. We care. You matter more than you know.
Ativan

+1 Yes count me in on that plan too Carolina, you are a worthy human being and a lovely woman, stay in touch with us and don't do anything to harm yourself, we all care for you dear!

Quote from: Shantel on April 17, 2013, 04:00:03 PM
+1 Yes count me in on that plan too Carolina, you are a worthy human being and a lovely woman, stay in touch with us and don't do anything to harm yourself, we all care for you dear!

I'm also in on this plan.  Everybody is important.

For some reason, completely unknown to me, I am on top of the world.  I have been happy and smiling and enjoying life.

I don't get it.  ???

don't worry, jamie, i'm sure that feeling will pass too... though it would be nice if the good feelings lasted.

QuoteFor some reason, completely unknown to me, I am on top of the world.

Gravity explains the sensation.  If you oriented your body any differently, you couldn't stand up.

Quote from: Jamie D on April 18, 2013, 02:04:28 AM
For some reason, completely unknown to me, I am on top of the world.  I have been happy and smiling and enjoying life.

I don't get it.  ???

The Arctic will do that to a person....  ;D

Quote from: Kaelin on April 18, 2013, 08:36:56 AM
Gravity explains the sensation.  If you oriented your body any differently, you couldn't stand up.

That's just a theory. Nobody really knows how they stand up.  :)

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on April 18, 2013, 12:18:43 PM
That's just a theory. Nobody really knows how they stand up.  :)

Well lets see, I usually get up on my feet and straighten up and that seems to work for me! hehehe me baaaad! ;D

Oh, it works just fine. Nobody knows why though.

Did you hear about the giant hole they found in Kansas?
Scientists there are looking into it.
*runs away....  :D

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on April 18, 2013, 02:11:20 PM
Oh, it works just fine. Nobody knows why though.

Did you hear about the giant hole they found in Kansas?
Scientists there are looking into it.
*runs away....  :D

Pffft.  That's nothing.  I heard they had 4,000 holes in Blackburn, Lancashire.

Urrrrgh frustrated. I've had a bad muscle spasm in my neck and shoulder since Monday and it's preventing me from going to the gym or really doing much. CHILL OUT, SHOULDER!

Quote from: brainiac on April 18, 2013, 03:27:25 PM
Urrrrgh frustrated. I've had a bad muscle spasm in my neck and shoulder since Monday and it's preventing me from going to the gym or really doing much. CHILL OUT, SHOULDER!

Sounds like it's time to see a massage therapist and get it ironed out, it always works for me!

I can say that I feel relieved that they caught bombing suspect #2.

Quote from: Jamie D on April 19, 2013, 08:58:21 PM
I can say that I feel relieved that they caught bombing suspect #2.

Me too, it was amazing that with all that gunfire more people didn't get killed!

Feeling somewhat lost and depressed. Mostly because I'm so unsure about whether people really care about me. One friend is not able to call me with my new (genderneutral) name and I don't have energy to talk about it yet again. And I feel pretty left alone right now for other reasons, too. It'd be nice to just talk with someone, but it seems like there's no-one I can call when feeling this depressed.

And I'd like my body just to disappear.

Wishing you well Phoenix, these things allow us to sort out true friends from those who simply held us in reserve as a convenience, this too will pass dear!

Thank you, Shantel :-* That's a good think to remember, all the pain of losing friends that didn't appreciate us makes way for the true ones to come into our lives. :)

Quote from: Phoeniks on May 02, 2013, 05:07:56 PM
Thank you, Shantel :-* That's a good think to remember, all the pain of losing friends that didn't appreciate us makes way for the true ones to come into our lives. :)

That's right Phoeniks, so cheer up hon and try to find something to get busy with and focused on so that you can work your way out from under the dark cloud. Do that and you'll fell better fast, trust your Auntie Shan on this....((hugs))

Quote from: Shantel on May 02, 2013, 05:12:09 PM
That's right Phoeniks, so cheer up hon and try to find something to get busy with and focused on so that you can work your way out from under the dark cloud. Do that and you'll fell better fast, trust your Auntie Shan on this....((hugs))

You're probably right, I should just get something meaningful to do and wait for this to pass while doing that :)

Quote from: Phoeniks on May 02, 2013, 05:20:22 PM
You're probably right, I should just get something meaningful to do and wait for this to pass while doing that :)

It's the best plan, keep us posted will you? Good luck, be thinking of you....~ Shan ~

I'm feeling BLEH. I made an appointment with my anxiety/depression shrink for Tuesday. I don't have a gender shrink, though I wonder if I should.

I'm just feeling super discouraged because I'm still a contractor at my job after over a year, and they keep promising me a real hire, and I never get one and I'm feeling worthless as a result. I want to be worth hiring.

8^(

I had to talk a friend down from suicide tonight. Via text message. She's okay now-managed to get her onto a topic that was about her problems. Took a while though. Tried telling her to go to the ER because I can't help with these issues. Also not qualified and in a different state.  She didn't want to talk to strangers.

So, hopefully that all will be better later today. Right now I need to sleep. And feeling a mix of anger, sadness, and guilt.

You did what you could, that's what counts.

Quote from: hazelspikes on May 04, 2013, 01:04:19 AM
feeling a mix of anger, sadness, and guilt.

Those feelings come from the frustration of it being unresolved.
I know that mix well. Hopefully things will work out. Sounds like you did well.
Ativan

That feeling of not being appreciated or important was first some kind of a sadness, but it is now being replaced by determination. I really want to make my relationships more valuable and learn to appreciate myself as much as I respect other people. Sadly, there are some who greatly enjoy the fact that I've been such a doormat for them. Luckily I just had the courage to face one last night. I'm so not going to swallow my needs and feelings this time. ^__^

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on May 02, 2013, 06:22:17 PM
Pheoniks, if you want, get ahold of me on Facebook, same name. That really goes for anyone who needs to talk. We will.
I'm sorry I don't use the personal message system here. Facebook works. Emails work too.
Ativan

Thank you, Ativan. I really appreciate this and your words in general as well.

Quote from: Phoeniks on May 04, 2013, 10:10:38 AM
That feeling of not being appreciated or important was first some kind of a sadness, but it is now being replaced by determination. I really want to make my relationships more valuable and learn to appreciate myself as much as I respect other people. Sadly, there are some who greatly enjoy the fact that I've been such a doormat for them. Luckily I just had the courage to face one last night. I'm so not going to swallow my needs and feelings this time. ^__^
Thank you, Ativan. I really appreciate this and your words in general as well.

I can relate. It starts by feeling sorry for someone and having excessive empathy toward them, I want to fix them because they are broken and I get sucked into their drama and ultimately wind up with their footprint on my face. I'm getting older and wiser through experience rather than the application of any sort of common sense going into it. I have learned to ask myself these questions whenever I'm faced with some new poor soul. "What's their motive for wanting to be close to me? What's in it for them?" Then again I have to ask those same questions of myself and question my own motives. This exercise can be quite revealing and liberating because often times the answer is No I'm Not Going There Again! Then comes the pragmatic concluding thought, "Oh well sh*t happens, but it usually comes from some as*hole!" It's a means of being dismissive of those who want to draw me into their problematic ego-centric lives with no real regard for me at all. No need to be anyone's doormat hon, we have allowed it, but no longer have to.

I'm so happy and joyous; I have a new beautiful gecko, I've put my hair into dreads and I have a new piercing... :P Pure bliss. :D

Quote from: TheMultipleOne on May 05, 2013, 09:23:59 AM
I feel scared, angry, and frustrated. Feeling this way for quite a while now due to starting transition and issues in finding a job :(

You're certainly not alone!

I feel shiny and confident and beautiful.

Dead and empty, again...at least I know that I have no choice but to transition...

Not great. moving sucks.

Quote from: androgynoid on May 05, 2013, 12:17:45 PM
I feel shiny and confident and beautiful.

That just makes me feel better hearing it.
I needed a little boost, thanks!  :)

I have to admit that I'm in a pretty blah state of mind.
My blood work came back and although it isn't bad, everything went the wrong way.
It's lack of exercise. I'm eating better than usual for the last 6 months, at least for me.
I should watch the kind of crap I seem to be drawn to the most. Junk food.
It's finally going to warm back up again here. It did for a few days and then it turned cold.
But the next weeks forecast looks good enough to get out and do the kind of yard work that I like.
Flowers. I don't care what kind, just want lots of them.
I have to get the Morning Glories and Moonflowers started to plant around an electric pole.
I'm hoping to exceed last years 10' mark. A cascade of flowers from morning into the night.
Ativan

I am okay, but in an odd mood.  Pensive.  I put in my two weeks' notice at the job I've had for 17 years -- I don't really want to leave, but I don't think the company has much of a future anymore.  It needs more investment, it needs an office in a place where tech types actually want to live so we can hire enough people to cover needs.  The parent company needs to put enough in our reserve so when there's a bank holiday in Germany we still get our payroll on time and bills can be paid. :P

I have a job lined up, in a different industry.  Better pay, closer to home, stable, promising, and interesting.  But I'm kind of nervous to go from being the expert who knows where evrything is and solves everyones' problems, to a completely lost beginner and stranger.

I already lost most of my friends at work to layoffs years ago.  In fact the local office is down to just me and the one other remaining "old guard" guy, who's now in charge and hates it.  And he's on vacation during my last two weeks.

Quote from: foosnark on May 06, 2013, 09:56:00 AM
I am okay, but in an odd mood.  Pensive.  I put in my two weeks' notice at the job I've had for 17 years -- I don't really want to leave, but I don't think the company has much of a future anymore.  It needs more investment, it needs an office in a place where tech types actually want to live so we can hire enough people to cover needs.  The parent company needs to put enough in our reserve so when there's a bank holiday in Germany we still get our payroll on time and bills can be paid. :P

I have a job lined up, in a different industry.  Better pay, closer to home, stable, promising, and interesting.  But I'm kind of nervous to go from being the expert who knows where evrything is and solves everyones' problems, to a completely lost beginner and stranger.

Sounds like you're a real can-do type so that transition shouldn't be too problematic for you and before long you'll be the go-to person again.

Quote from: foosnark on May 06, 2013, 09:56:00 AM
I have a job lined up, in a different industry.  Better pay, closer to home, stable, promising, and interesting.  But I'm kind of nervous to go from being the expert who knows where everything is and solves everyone's' problems, to a completely lost beginner and stranger.

The opportunity to become the best, again. I never could stay in one place for more than a few years at most.
I did work for one company for 9 yrs. I quit 5 times. Every time they asked me back or took me back with my benefits intact.
Being the best is always good, but the yearning to move on is always strong in me.
I've been here for 3 1/2 yrs. I don't know what to do with friends and a home after this long.
I don't know how that works. The concept is foreign to me. But I have never been some welcome before, so I'll find out, I guess.
Good luck with your new job. Opportunity has it's own rewards.
Ativan

Very awake - for such an early hour. Been up since four, mostly thinking about all this new and confusing stuff that is kind of exciting and kind of scary.

Also quite chirpy because the sun is shining and I'm going to try and grab me some tan before the day's out.

Quote from: pluggy on May 07, 2013, 12:15:02 AM
Very awake - for such an early hour. Been up since four, mostly thinking about all this new and confusing stuff that is kind of exciting and kind of scary.

Also quite chirpy because the sun is shining and I'm going to try and grab me some tan before the day's out.

Be careful with that, 15 minutes on each side max, beyond that you're aging your skin rapidly. This is from someone who is forced to see the dermatologist every six months due to excessive sun exposure.

Confused, frustrated, scared, and very angry that I haven't figured out my gender identity after a good solid year of questioning it.

Quote from: QuestionKnot on May 08, 2013, 06:33:36 PM
Confused, frustrated, scared, and very angry that I haven't figured out my gender identity after a good solid year of questioning it.

You might check us out in the Androgyne forum, many have found it a comfortable place to browse the posts of others with similar feelings. See you there!  :)

Quote from: QuestionKnot on May 08, 2013, 06:33:36 PM
Confused, frustrated, scared, and very angry that I haven't figured out my gender identity after a good solid year of questioning it.

What is wrong with it that you are questioning?
Confused, we all are at one time or another, sometimes more than we need to be.
It comes and goes for many of us.
Frustrated. What is frustrating? It leads to the two next things, very easily.
Scared,... that's not a good way to go through life. What do you find scary?
Angry isn't a good thing either, but it's a place we have all been at.
In societies 'rules' and judgements of others, we get that way.
Most of us go through various stages of these same things, sometimes resolved, sometimes not.
Sometimes asking the right questions or better ones helps.
Talk to us, we're listening.
Ativan

Quote from: Shantel on May 08, 2013, 06:40:49 PM
You might check us out in the Androgyne forum, many have found it a comfortable place to browse the posts of others with similar feelings. See you there!  :)

Thanks, I think I will. skimmed through some of the posts and threads there and it seems like a nice place to start.

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on May 08, 2013, 07:02:58 PM
What is wrong with it that you are questioning?
Confused, we all are at one time or another, sometimes more than we need to be.
It comes and goes for many of us.
Frustrated. What is frustrating? It leads to the two next things, very easily.
Scared,... that's not a good way to go through life. What do you find scary?
Angry isn't a good thing either, but it's a place we have all been at.
In societies 'rules' and judgements of others, we get that way.
Most of us go through various stages of these same things, sometimes resolved, sometimes not.
Sometimes asking the right questions or better ones helps.
Talk to us, we're listening.
Ativan

I appreciate the support. Its just hard to figure out what I want to do with my body since I like being feminine and masculine, and it's getting to me because I just kinda want to be the physical me that would make me happy and then be done with this. I wanna get on with my life and not have to worry about this stuff anymore, ya know?

Ah well, I'm ranting. I'll post some questions and shadow some threads on the boards here. See if I can get any help with this.

Quote from: QuestionKnot on May 09, 2013, 06:27:46 PM
Its just hard to figure out what I want to do with my body since I like being feminine and masculine, and it's getting to me because I just kinda want to be the physical me that would make me happy and then be done with this. I wanna get on with my life and not have to worry about this stuff anymore, ya know?

Yep. I do know, at least I do for myself. It takes time. It's frustratingly slow, the physical changes you might want to make.
You can still get on with your life as you ponder and make decisions and find the answers you need. We all do.
The more answers you find to the questions you need to ask, will help with the worrying part.
Used the search function at the top of the pages, it works fairly well, although you can get an overload of stuff sometimes.
Don't forget to look at back pages of topics here. Some good stuff there, too.
When you get to 15 posts (I think) more options will open up for you to look around at stuff here.
There is a lot of information stuffed into nooks and crannies. And all your questions are welcome. No need to hesitate, there.
See you around here,
Ativan

I'm tired. So, so tired. I've napped on and off all afternoon, and I'm not going to get to really sleep in until ten days from now. It's now a quarter after 9 and I'm debating turning in and sleeping all the way until my alarm goes off for work at 8 tomorrow (which is three hours later than I usually get up, so I guess it's sleeping in).

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on May 09, 2013, 07:30:36 PM
Yep. I do know, at least I do for myself. It takes time. It's frustratingly slow, the physical changes you might want to make.
You can still get on with your life as you ponder and make decisions and find the answers you need. We all do.
The more answers you find to the questions you need to ask, will help with the worrying part.
Used the search function at the top of the pages, it works fairly well, although you can get an overload of stuff sometimes.
Don't forget to look at back pages of topics here. Some good stuff there, too.
When you get to 15 posts (I think) more options will open up for you to look around at stuff here.
There is a lot of information stuffed into nooks and crannies. And all your questions are welcome. No need to hesitate, there.
See you around here,
Ativan

It is a slow process...guess I'll just have to get used to it. Anywho thanks. I'll keep my eyes open for info on these forums. this place is pretty useful.

I feel anxious and suicidal. Not to bring anyone down.

I do nothing but give, give, give to my friends, and even the most generous friends of mine seem to take me for advantage.

I feel so used up and pathetic.

This isn't the alcohol talking, it's just the reason I started drinking tonight.

Quote from: D0LL on May 11, 2013, 01:35:29 AM
I feel anxious and suicidal. Not to bring anyone down.

I do nothing but give, give, give to my friends, and even the most generous friends of mine seem to take me for advantage.

I feel so used up and pathetic.

This isn't the alcohol talking, it's just the reason I started drinking tonight.

That's not good.  First things first ... your needs are paramount.  Put your "friends" aside for a while and focus on you!

Are you new here?

Quote from: D0LL on May 11, 2013, 01:35:29 AM
I feel anxious and suicidal. Not to bring anyone down.
I do nothing but give, give, give to my friends, and even the most generous friends of mine seem to take me for advantage.
I feel so used up and pathetic.
This isn't the alcohol talking, it's just the reason I started drinking tonight.

Anxious and suicidal are a way of life for me. It takes a lot out of me to keep it under control, sometimes.
It does have that used and pathetic element to it. Not a good way to be.
Drinking isn't the best thing to do, although,...
I do that on occasion, but it's a dangerous game for me.
Alcohol sometimes brings the anger out in ways that hurt, not only myself, but others.
Or,...I'm just that smiley happy drunk that gets everyone going.
I once had over a dozen guys in suits dancing Rockette's style to New York by Frank Sinatra.
Hang in there....
Ativan

Broken, exhausted, misunderstood, ready to move on. Ready to move out.

Quote from: kendra on May 13, 2013, 03:53:37 AM
Broken, exhausted, misunderstood, ready to move on. Ready to move out.

Are you going to be OK?

depressed. it happens every spring, so i'm hardly surprised by it. but the came a month late this year because spring never came in april like it used to do before.

i'll be perfectly ok in a while, but right now i just feel like disintegrating into the earth. i'm so tired right now that even my worries seem insignificant.

Quote from: Shantel on May 13, 2013, 10:14:11 AM
Are you going to be OK?

wife wants a divorce despite me being totally honest up front for 8 years before marriage.

i don't want to stay in mississippi anymore.

not sure where i will go, though i have had offers from family in ct, nd, wa, and co with various limits and environments.

time to move on and start all over again

Quote from: kendra on May 14, 2013, 04:13:55 PM
wife wants a divorce despite me being totally honest up front for 8 years before marriage.

i don't want to stay in mississippi anymore.

not sure where i will go, though i have had offers from family in ct, nd, wa, and co with various limits and environments.

time to move on and start all over again

Good luck, wish you well!

Moving out of my dorm to go back home with my parents for two months.  Chance to make some money, mostly.  That will turn into comic books, textbooks, and getting a head start at paying off student loans.  Should be an adventure....

Started going to the counseling center to talk about how stressed I get.  Plan on going after summer break.  Of course, when I finally get myself in there, it's the last week of school.  ^^;

I've had acid reflux the last day and a half, but I've been eating light and drinking water (but also some coffee). I go from being in a decent mood to worrying about the future, moving and all that stuff. Hoping the itchy burn on my arm is not infected, heh.  :angel:

The new job has been a mixed bag.  I went through a short phase of depression, but now mostly it's confined to sort of a brief "brain itch" most mornings.

My aspiration is to win the lottery and thus early retirement for me and everyone in my family.

i'm feeling pretty good. just learned about metacognitive therapy and started reading more about it. interesting reading, which also makes me realize how blessed i am to not have fallen into one of those pitch black pits that it's so difficult to get out of on your own. i do get stuck some times, like most people, but never so long that it becomes a serious problem.

maybe i should've studied psychology, nothing interests me as much as the human mind. our differences in the way we perceive the world is what makes it so colorful.

I'm pretty much feeling hopeless, since I might never be able to find a doctor to monitor and prescribe a full hrt regimen...

My body issues are starting to get worse, and I'm thinking about just quitting and living my life as drugged up and numb. If they don't care about my well being, why the f*** should I?

Quote from: Skye-Blue on June 13, 2013, 08:09:25 AM
I'm pretty much feeling hopeless, since I might never be able to find a doctor to monitor and prescribe a full hrt regimen...

My body issues are starting to get worse, and I'm thinking about just quitting and living my life as drugged up and numb. If they don't care about my well being, why the f*** should I?

You have had a lot of thoughtful advice from your sisters here, it might be a better plan to consider some of those options rather than lapse into a pool of self pity.

Quote from: D0LL on May 11, 2013, 01:35:29 AM
I feel anxious and suicidal. Not to bring anyone down.

I do nothing but give, give, give to my friends, and even the most generous friends of mine seem to take me for advantage.

I feel so used up and pathetic.

This isn't the alcohol talking, it's just the reason I started drinking tonight.

You're #1 in your life, as goes for everybody. Help yourself, then help others. Choose friends wisely, and if they don't reciprocate your kindness back off a while and wait for them to come to you. I could have used that same advice a few months ago.

I wish everyone here the best <3 Take care of yourselves

Aside from frustrations with this website's inner workings (logging me out... GAH!!!)...?

Well, I've been cooped up with no social life for... all my life. Moving to the suburbs changed nothing... very lonely existence, mine.

Recently I finally decided it was time to fix it, so I moved to Fargo, ND from Virginia to live with one of my few good friends. Well... I'm homeless because he needs to drag himself out of his current living situation, so I'm stuck in Fraser's transitional living program, which is a "rainbow" SAFE ZONE, by the way.

I've got a job now, I've got new clothes, I got called in for double interviews at Barnes & Noble (here's hoping they tell me good things when I call today).

I don't even remember all I meant to say, but the bottom line is, I'm finally getting my life together. How do I feel? GOOD.

Quote from: Adreni on June 24, 2013, 02:59:25 PM
Aside from frustrations with this website's inner workings (logging me out... GAH!!!)...?

Well, I've been cooped up with no social life for... all my life. Moving to the suburbs changed nothing... very lonely existence, mine.

Recently I finally decided it was time to fix it, so I moved to Fargo, ND from Virginia to live with one of my few good friends. Well... I'm homeless because he needs to drag himself out of his current living situation, so I'm stuck in Fraser's transitional living program, which is a "rainbow" SAFE ZONE, by the way.

I've got a job now, I've got new clothes, I got called in for double interviews at Barnes & Noble (here's hoping they tell me good things when I call today).

I don't even remember all I meant to say, but the bottom line is, I'm finally getting my life together. How do I feel? GOOD.

Sounds like your luck is getting a lot better, good for you!  :)

Quote from: Shantel on June 24, 2013, 04:48:34 PM
Sounds like your luck is getting a lot better, good for you!  :)

Luck is a hope-related concept. Fraser's presence was luck... everything after has been nothing but will. Thank you, either way.

Now let's just "hope" I can find the answer I want here...

I am feeling quite nice. Pride was most excellent. Day-drinking is a good time, particularly when the rest of the city is doing it with you.

I was rather nervous about my outfit (a miniskirt), thinking I would just look like a girl in a miniskirt, but no. I was even wearing my goofy sunglasses:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F0PWBCWd.jpg&hash=cb618b29720069d4ee0783e7a05cc7603741c234)

and still passed as a guy, even talking.

I also got slightly sunburned, as you can see.

Sounds like a good day. :)

Rant incoming.

I'm feeling kind of shaky, since my (cis) partner of 6 years and I had a tough discussion last night regarding changing labels for my body parts. He's struggled with feeling like he can't ever say no to trying something related to transition (as in, either he HAS to do it or we break up), he feels like anything I want to talk about regarding transition is inevitable and can't be on his terms, like he's a bad partner for not being gung-ho about things I ask for right away, like every step forward is just a step towards me needing to physically transition (which I don't feel like I need to do), for a really long time. But it hasn't come up lately since I haven't brought anything new up. There was a lot of misunderstanding and yelling and tears last night, but ultimately I was able to listen to him and he listened to me, and he was able to talk to me about how he was feeling. We also found a way forward to try things out that didn't feel so scary for him.

So... it went really well at the end, but now I'm scared to bring up anything like going by a nickname or changing pronouns. I'm fine with waiting on those things, but I feel guilty not telling him I'm thinking about that since I feel like I'm hiding something.

Kind of bummed that my parents won't be coming here for July 4 weekend after all, because of their health (which worries me).  An old friend will be passing through town next week though and it'll be fun to catch up.

I have a FitBit Aria scale which automatically logs your weight over wifi, and had been letting it sit idle for months.  Last weekend I put fresh batteries i n it and discovered I'd gained enough wait in the meantime that it doesn't recognize me anymore.  Grrr.  I partially blame stress from the new job, but mostly I've just dropped any semblance of discipline.  Annoyed to find out how quickly I manage to gain weight though if I'm not focusing on it.  I was on a long plateau before that.  Sigh.

positive.

+ It's payday, I can stop eating noodles and cereal now. =D
+ Tomorrow night is the LGBTQ night at the bar in town which is pretty much the only time I can be out and fully OUT.
+ I discovered this forum! whee!

double poooost.


broke my dominant arm on monday. siiiiigh.
funny thing is I fell over and hit it, it felt ok, so I carried on digging in the garden, then played xbox for a couple hours...
then realised it was hurting a bit more than expected so I went to the hospital.

In a sling now. can't drive. struggling to do everything left-handed. so frustrating.

Like crap.

I've been on a visit with my partner for the last 4 days (we're long-distance and generally only see each other twice a year) and my anxiety is flaring up. We basically spent most of the day yesterday on a date, topping it off with a movie we've both been anticipating for MONTHS. The movie was basically 2 hours of erotica for me because I have a paraphilia that is relevant to the premise of the movie, which he is fully aware of and will lightly indulge every now and then. But he's been excessively tired since I flew in and has been too sleepy to engage in any physical intimacy with me, except for one evening where I spent the entire time servicing him in what was, to me, the most boring and disengaged way possible. Now, I have my proclivities and needs, namely fetishistic and BDSMy in nature, and he's known this for a long time. We've spent countless hours talking on the phone about how to incorporate more of this dynamic into our lives when we're together, and it sounded so promising... but now it sounds like it was all just lip service and I feel awful and neglected. I don't want to sit and write erotica because my spouse isn't giving me the things he's been saying he will and wants to for months. And he has a much higher libido than me to begin with!

So, even with the knowledge that I'd be buzzing with excitement and giddiness upon leaving the theater, he up and went to bed early last night without so much as a kiss or acknowledging my particular appreciation of the movie.

I'm wondering if it at all has to do with this being the first trip where I've made it known that I want to start wearing my binder around him and dress more masculine than I typically do. If my presentation is driving a wedge between us (I've never felt happier than being able to freely do this around him), then I don't know what to do. It makes little sense, as the only big difference between how I dress now and how I did before is the binder. If binding a couple times a week is going to do this to us, then... ->-bleeped-<-.

I know I need to talk to him, and I will, but I just really needed to get this off my chest because I've got intrusive thoughts about effing divorce going through my head right now and I don't even want to entertain the possibility. At least not until I know much, much more about what's been going on in his head this week (and in many future weeks).

Quote from: Lo on July 13, 2013, 11:17:43 AM
Like crap.

I've been on a visit with my partner for the last 4 days (we're long-distance and generally only see each other twice a year) and my anxiety is flaring up. We basically spent most of the day yesterday on a date, topping it off with a movie we've both been anticipating for MONTHS. The movie was basically 2 hours of erotica for me because I have a paraphilia that is relevant to the premise of the movie, which he is fully aware of and will lightly indulge every now and then. But he's been excessively tired since I flew in and has been too sleepy to engage in any physical intimacy with me, except for one evening where I spent the entire time servicing him in what was, to me, the most boring and disengaged way possible. Now, I have my proclivities and needs, namely fetishistic and BDSMy in nature, and he's known this for a long time. We've spent countless hours talking on the phone about how to incorporate more of this dynamic into our lives when we're together, and it sounded so promising... but now it sounds like it was all just lip service and I feel awful and neglected. I don't want to sit and write erotica because my spouse isn't giving me the things he's been saying he will and wants to for months. And he has a much higher libido than me to begin with!

So, even with the knowledge that I'd be buzzing with excitement and giddiness upon leaving the theater, he up and went to bed early last night without so much as a kiss or acknowledging my particular appreciation of the movie.

I'm wondering if it at all has to do with this being the first trip where I've made it known that I want to start wearing my binder around him and dress more masculine than I typically do. If my presentation is driving a wedge between us (I've never felt happier than being able to freely do this around him), then I don't know what to do. It makes little sense, as the only big difference between how I dress now and how I did before is the binder. If binding a couple times a week is going to do this to us, then... ->-bleeped-<-.

I know I need to talk to him, and I will, but I just really needed to get this off my chest because I've got intrusive thoughts about effing divorce going through my head right now and I don't even want to entertain the possibility. At least not until I know much, much more about what's been going on in his head this week (and in many future weeks).

Good luck with that, you have a lot on your plate!

So. Many. Emotions.

I'm hypomanic.

Yesterday I was offered (and accepted and will be starting in 12 days) a new job at a place where I could conceivably come out as genderqueer, at least to the extent of asking my supervisors to use gender neutral pronouns in reference to me (I'm already set to work under my taken name for everything that doesn't absolutely require my legal name). This gets me out of an oppressive and exploitative position that I've been in for the past nine months, and I'm thrilled.

Something (I have yet to figure out what) has gotten me suddenly thinking more and more about hormones. I've not really considered T as an option in the past, but research is making it look like it's a lot more feasible than I thought. I'm fortunate not to experience a lot of body dysphoria, but social dysphoria happens, and has been happening more lately, and I keep thinking how much I'd love a deeper voice and facial hair. Not a clue if this is a real thing that'll stick, or if it's just the hypomania talking.

I want to talk to my partner about the transition-related things, and ze will be wonderful and supportive (if hesitant, because of the ManicBrain), I'm sure. But our schedules have us both coming home late this week, and it's so hot and humid and we have no air conditioning, which makes for shorter tempers. I just don't know when talking will happen. And because of ManicBrain, I am hella impatient. Sigh.

Quote from: wanderingamoeba on July 17, 2013, 03:04:49 PM
Yesterday I was offered (and accepted and will be starting in 12 days) a new job at a place where I could conceivably come out as genderqueer, at least to the extent of asking my supervisors to use gender neutral pronouns in reference to me (I'm already set to work under my taken name for everything that doesn't absolutely require my legal name). This gets me out of an oppressive and exploitative position that I've been in for the past nine months, and I'm thrilled.

wow congrats!! Hope it goes really well for you

Super moodswingy.  Yesterday I was as close to suicidal and/or violent as I have ever been, which honestly is not *that* close but by damn I wanted to do *something* stupid and dramatic and harmful.  And I hate that, because I am gentle and don't want to disturb anybody (except may be with my music) and I hate feeling like my emotions are out of control. Today, well, I'm fine and dandy.

Have been monitoring my blood sugar more closely on doctor's orders.  It's high, wild, and apparently random.  If I don't eat, it goes up.  If I do eat something healthy, it goes up more than I think it should.  If I eat something carby, it goes up less than I think it should.  But it goes up.

I have been dealing with diabetes type 2 for about 15 years.  I'm currently on Metformin and twice daily slow insulin shots and 3x daily fast insulin shots, plus now 4 finger stick tests a day.  I feel guilty about everything I eat, and if I watch it especially closely I just get hungry and cranky, and especially angry when that HALF a cheese sandwich spikes my blood sugar all to hell.  Pretty sick of this and I'd like my immortal robot unicorn body now plz.  Wait, alicorns have wings too, I'll go for that.

Also, I'm pretty sure I just don't like my job.  There's no good reason why, but it feels oppressive.  I spent the last few years at my old one dreading the business would collapse and I'd have to do something else; at this one I just want to retire extra early.  If I won the lottery, I'd fill my time with science courses and music lessons and metalworking lessons and other pursuits.

Gender stuff is at a low background level, like it usually is for me.  Too worried about other things, or distracting myself from those worries, to concern myself with it...

Honestly? I am never really sure how I feel anymore... I started doing drugs around 11y/o and wasn't ever really sober until about 5yrs or so ago, and since then life just doesn't "feel" very much anymore, if that makes any since. Life just seems to fly by without being able to enjoy it. I am just tired & frustrated mostly except on the occasional evening when a friend splits a joint with me and I am able to take a mental break so that I don't nut up a hurt someone.

I have been burning the candle at both ends.

I am mentally and emotionally spent.  What I really need is a good nights sleep.

Quote from: Æðelþryð on August 02, 2013, 02:28:49 AM
I have been burning the candle at both ends.

I am mentally and emotionally spent.  What I really need is a good nights sleep.

You'd better get some sleep, you even got your name wrong! (Æðelþryð)

Hey there!  I happen to like my unpronounceable Old English name!

ath-uhl-thrīth

Interesting, but I think it is a Norse/Scandinavian/Icelandic name pronounced "Ah-dol-tred" or "Ihl-dol-tred"... There where and are many Scandinavians in the United Kingdom so possibly someone might be named such a name

But whatever, it was entertaining  :)

Quote from: V M on August 05, 2013, 02:06:21 AM
Interesting, but I think it is a Norse/Scandinavian/Icelandic name pronounced "Ah-dol-tred" or "Ihl-dol-tred"... There where and are many Scandinavians in the United Kingdom so possibly someone might be named such a name

But whatever, it was entertaining  :)

You may be correct about the Scandinavian pronunciation, because some "th" sounds shifted the "d" or "dh" sounds. 
Your suggestion reminds me of the Anglo-Saxon king, Athelred the Unready" 

Æðelþryð

In Old English Æ (the letter ash) was pronounced as the "a" in "cat"

ð (the letter eth) gave the "th" sound as in Earth or feather

þ (the letter thorn) gave the "th" sound as in "thick" or "thorn" (but not "t" as in "torn")

y (the letter wye) could have been pronounced as a "long i" as in "sky" or as "û" as in "worm"

Which is why Sephirah said it was unpronounceable!

Quote from: Jamie D on August 05, 2013, 02:54:26 AM


Which is why Sephirah said it was unpronounceable!

So is that how Jamie D sees herself, as something unpronounceable? Welcome to the Unicorn Forest!

I've come down sick so mostly I feel like either sleeping or visiting the loo  :P

Quote from: V M on August 09, 2013, 04:53:45 PM
I've come down sick so mostly I feel like either sleeping or visiting the loo  :P

Not again? Get well girlfriend!

Mellow and chill. Im having a fun sunday just talking with friends & family and relaxing. This is the first sunday in a long time where I haven't had to work (I also work mon-fri). But around 530 tomorrow morning it's time to walk the dog and start the day. Enjoying today as much as possible. No anxiety today, which is a gift.

I'm in a lot of pain and I'm really tired

I am sorry you are in pain.  I hope you feel better soon.

Not sure how I feel.  Not really sure IF I feel.  I guess I do, because it feels awful.

Tired all the sudden heh I am exitced about going to college I just need to find a job really fast so I can make my payments for school

I appreciate you asking! I feel like I've been sentenced to death by a thousand tiny electric shocks!


😕⚡🔌

Quote from: Lilis on February 24, 2025, 08:23:22 PMI appreciate you asking! I feel like I've been sentenced to death by a thousand tiny electric shocks!


😕⚡🔌

Lots of electrolysis?

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on February 24, 2025, 09:33:00 PMLots of electrolysis?

Yeah, I had my first session today. Now I'm tending to my wounds, cooling my face with ice wrapped in a cloth, then applying the soothing cream they provided.

🤕⚡

Quote from: Lilis on February 24, 2025, 09:50:54 PMYeah, I had my first session today. Now I'm tending to my wounds, cooling my face with ice wrapped in a cloth, then applying the soothing cream they provided.

🤕⚡

Oh ouch!  I hope the discomfort subsides quickly.

Hugs,

Chrissy

Quote from: Lilis on February 24, 2025, 09:50:54 PMYeah, I had my first session today. Now I'm tending to my wounds, cooling my face with ice wrapped in a cloth, then applying the soothing cream they provided.

🤕⚡

I like the Aloe Vera After Sun Gel. If you are not sensitive to lidocaine. It is for cooling and soothing sunburn and helps moisturize the skin. Win-win.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on February 24, 2025, 10:31:35 PMOh ouch!  I hope the discomfort subsides quickly.

Hugs,

Chrissy

Thanks Chrissy. 💓

Quote from: Lori Dee on February 24, 2025, 11:39:58 PMI like the Aloe Vera After Sun Gel. If you are not sensitive to lidocaine. It is for cooling and soothing sunburn and helps moisturize the skin. Win-win.

Oh nice, on my way to a 24hr CVS nearby, I hope they have some, thanks Lori 💓.

Quote from: Lilis on February 24, 2025, 09:50:54 PMYeah, I had my first session today. Now I'm tending to my wounds, cooling my face with ice wrapped in a cloth, then applying the soothing cream they provided.

🤕⚡

Try a chilled Preparation H towlette. My electrologist highly recommends them. To have any meaningful effect, they must be used on the area which was treated!

Love always -- Jess

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 25, 2025, 08:07:01 AMTry a chilled Preparation H towlette. My electrologist highly recommends them. To have any meaningful effect, they must be used on the area which was treated!

Wow! I got some relief just reading this, thanks Jessica! 💓

Spoken like someone with experience!  I never would have considered the Prep H towelette.  What a great and useful idea.