Like crap.

I've been on a visit with my partner for the last 4 days (we're long-distance and generally only see each other twice a year) and my anxiety is flaring up. We basically spent most of the day yesterday on a date, topping it off with a movie we've both been anticipating for MONTHS. The movie was basically 2 hours of erotica for me because I have a paraphilia that is relevant to the premise of the movie, which he is fully aware of and will lightly indulge every now and then. But he's been excessively tired since I flew in and has been too sleepy to engage in any physical intimacy with me, except for one evening where I spent the entire time servicing him in what was, to me, the most boring and disengaged way possible. Now, I have my proclivities and needs, namely fetishistic and BDSMy in nature, and he's known this for a long time. We've spent countless hours talking on the phone about how to incorporate more of this dynamic into our lives when we're together, and it sounded so promising... but now it sounds like it was all just lip service and I feel awful and neglected. I don't want to sit and write erotica because my spouse isn't giving me the things he's been saying he will and wants to for months. And he has a much higher libido than me to begin with!

So, even with the knowledge that I'd be buzzing with excitement and giddiness upon leaving the theater, he up and went to bed early last night without so much as a kiss or acknowledging my particular appreciation of the movie.

I'm wondering if it at all has to do with this being the first trip where I've made it known that I want to start wearing my binder around him and dress more masculine than I typically do. If my presentation is driving a wedge between us (I've never felt happier than being able to freely do this around him), then I don't know what to do. It makes little sense, as the only big difference between how I dress now and how I did before is the binder. If binding a couple times a week is going to do this to us, then... ->-bleeped-<-.

I know I need to talk to him, and I will, but I just really needed to get this off my chest because I've got intrusive thoughts about effing divorce going through my head right now and I don't even want to entertain the possibility. At least not until I know much, much more about what's been going on in his head this week (and in many future weeks).

Quote from: Lo on July 13, 2013, 11:17:43 AM
Like crap.

I've been on a visit with my partner for the last 4 days (we're long-distance and generally only see each other twice a year) and my anxiety is flaring up. We basically spent most of the day yesterday on a date, topping it off with a movie we've both been anticipating for MONTHS. The movie was basically 2 hours of erotica for me because I have a paraphilia that is relevant to the premise of the movie, which he is fully aware of and will lightly indulge every now and then. But he's been excessively tired since I flew in and has been too sleepy to engage in any physical intimacy with me, except for one evening where I spent the entire time servicing him in what was, to me, the most boring and disengaged way possible. Now, I have my proclivities and needs, namely fetishistic and BDSMy in nature, and he's known this for a long time. We've spent countless hours talking on the phone about how to incorporate more of this dynamic into our lives when we're together, and it sounded so promising... but now it sounds like it was all just lip service and I feel awful and neglected. I don't want to sit and write erotica because my spouse isn't giving me the things he's been saying he will and wants to for months. And he has a much higher libido than me to begin with!

So, even with the knowledge that I'd be buzzing with excitement and giddiness upon leaving the theater, he up and went to bed early last night without so much as a kiss or acknowledging my particular appreciation of the movie.

I'm wondering if it at all has to do with this being the first trip where I've made it known that I want to start wearing my binder around him and dress more masculine than I typically do. If my presentation is driving a wedge between us (I've never felt happier than being able to freely do this around him), then I don't know what to do. It makes little sense, as the only big difference between how I dress now and how I did before is the binder. If binding a couple times a week is going to do this to us, then... ->-bleeped-<-.

I know I need to talk to him, and I will, but I just really needed to get this off my chest because I've got intrusive thoughts about effing divorce going through my head right now and I don't even want to entertain the possibility. At least not until I know much, much more about what's been going on in his head this week (and in many future weeks).

Good luck with that, you have a lot on your plate!

So. Many. Emotions.

I'm hypomanic.

Yesterday I was offered (and accepted and will be starting in 12 days) a new job at a place where I could conceivably come out as genderqueer, at least to the extent of asking my supervisors to use gender neutral pronouns in reference to me (I'm already set to work under my taken name for everything that doesn't absolutely require my legal name). This gets me out of an oppressive and exploitative position that I've been in for the past nine months, and I'm thrilled.

Something (I have yet to figure out what) has gotten me suddenly thinking more and more about hormones. I've not really considered T as an option in the past, but research is making it look like it's a lot more feasible than I thought. I'm fortunate not to experience a lot of body dysphoria, but social dysphoria happens, and has been happening more lately, and I keep thinking how much I'd love a deeper voice and facial hair. Not a clue if this is a real thing that'll stick, or if it's just the hypomania talking.

I want to talk to my partner about the transition-related things, and ze will be wonderful and supportive (if hesitant, because of the ManicBrain), I'm sure. But our schedules have us both coming home late this week, and it's so hot and humid and we have no air conditioning, which makes for shorter tempers. I just don't know when talking will happen. And because of ManicBrain, I am hella impatient. Sigh.

Quote from: wanderingamoeba on July 17, 2013, 03:04:49 PM
Yesterday I was offered (and accepted and will be starting in 12 days) a new job at a place where I could conceivably come out as genderqueer, at least to the extent of asking my supervisors to use gender neutral pronouns in reference to me (I'm already set to work under my taken name for everything that doesn't absolutely require my legal name). This gets me out of an oppressive and exploitative position that I've been in for the past nine months, and I'm thrilled.

wow congrats!! Hope it goes really well for you

Super moodswingy.  Yesterday I was as close to suicidal and/or violent as I have ever been, which honestly is not *that* close but by damn I wanted to do *something* stupid and dramatic and harmful.  And I hate that, because I am gentle and don't want to disturb anybody (except may be with my music) and I hate feeling like my emotions are out of control. Today, well, I'm fine and dandy.

Have been monitoring my blood sugar more closely on doctor's orders.  It's high, wild, and apparently random.  If I don't eat, it goes up.  If I do eat something healthy, it goes up more than I think it should.  If I eat something carby, it goes up less than I think it should.  But it goes up.

I have been dealing with diabetes type 2 for about 15 years.  I'm currently on Metformin and twice daily slow insulin shots and 3x daily fast insulin shots, plus now 4 finger stick tests a day.  I feel guilty about everything I eat, and if I watch it especially closely I just get hungry and cranky, and especially angry when that HALF a cheese sandwich spikes my blood sugar all to hell.  Pretty sick of this and I'd like my immortal robot unicorn body now plz.  Wait, alicorns have wings too, I'll go for that.

Also, I'm pretty sure I just don't like my job.  There's no good reason why, but it feels oppressive.  I spent the last few years at my old one dreading the business would collapse and I'd have to do something else; at this one I just want to retire extra early.  If I won the lottery, I'd fill my time with science courses and music lessons and metalworking lessons and other pursuits.

Gender stuff is at a low background level, like it usually is for me.  Too worried about other things, or distracting myself from those worries, to concern myself with it...

Honestly? I am never really sure how I feel anymore... I started doing drugs around 11y/o and wasn't ever really sober until about 5yrs or so ago, and since then life just doesn't "feel" very much anymore, if that makes any since. Life just seems to fly by without being able to enjoy it. I am just tired & frustrated mostly except on the occasional evening when a friend splits a joint with me and I am able to take a mental break so that I don't nut up a hurt someone.

I have been burning the candle at both ends.

I am mentally and emotionally spent.  What I really need is a good nights sleep.

Quote from: Æðelþryð on August 02, 2013, 02:28:49 AM
I have been burning the candle at both ends.

I am mentally and emotionally spent.  What I really need is a good nights sleep.

You'd better get some sleep, you even got your name wrong! (Æðelþryð)

Hey there!  I happen to like my unpronounceable Old English name!

ath-uhl-thrīth

Interesting, but I think it is a Norse/Scandinavian/Icelandic name pronounced "Ah-dol-tred" or "Ihl-dol-tred"... There where and are many Scandinavians in the United Kingdom so possibly someone might be named such a name

But whatever, it was entertaining 

Quote from: V M on August 05, 2013, 02:06:21 AM
Interesting, but I think it is a Norse/Scandinavian/Icelandic name pronounced "Ah-dol-tred" or "Ihl-dol-tred"... There where and are many Scandinavians in the United Kingdom so possibly someone might be named such a name

But whatever, it was entertaining 

You may be correct about the Scandinavian pronunciation, because some "th" sounds shifted the "d" or "dh" sounds. 
Your suggestion reminds me of the Anglo-Saxon king, Athelred the Unready" 

Æðelþryð

In Old English Æ (the letter ash) was pronounced as the "a" in "cat"

ð (the letter eth) gave the "th" sound as in Earth or feather

þ (the letter thorn) gave the "th" sound as in "thick" or "thorn" (but not "t" as in "torn")

y (the letter wye) could have been pronounced as a "long i" as in "sky" or as "û" as in "worm"

Which is why Sephirah said it was unpronounceable!

Quote from: Jamie D on August 05, 2013, 02:54:26 AM


Which is why Sephirah said it was unpronounceable!

So is that how Jamie D sees herself, as something unpronounceable? Welcome to the Unicorn Forest!

I've come down sick so mostly I feel like either sleeping or visiting the loo 

Quote from: V M on August 09, 2013, 04:53:45 PM
I've come down sick so mostly I feel like either sleeping or visiting the loo 

Not again? Get well girlfriend!

Mellow and chill. Im having a fun sunday just talking with friends & family and relaxing. This is the first sunday in a long time where I haven't had to work (I also work mon-fri). But around 530 tomorrow morning it's time to walk the dog and start the day. Enjoying today as much as possible. No anxiety today, which is a gift.

I'm in a lot of pain and I'm really tired

I am sorry you are in pain.  I hope you feel better soon.

Not sure how I feel.  Not really sure IF I feel.  I guess I do, because it feels awful.

Tired all the sudden heh I am exitced about going to college I just need to find a job really fast so I can make my payments for school

I appreciate you asking! I feel like I've been sentenced to death by a thousand tiny electric shocks!


😕⚡🔌

Quote from: Lilis on February 24, 2025, 08:23:22 PMI appreciate you asking! I feel like I've been sentenced to death by a thousand tiny electric shocks!


😕⚡🔌

Lots of electrolysis?