Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Sort of.

Whenever I think about starting HRT, I get this inexplicable sort of longing, this overhwelming sense that I need that.  It's like I'm a crackbaby or something, born physically craving a substance I've never even put into my system willingly.  I want to be able to just weep and roll with emotion.  Testosterone really is like an emotional cage, and I absoloutely despise it.

On the other hand, though, I'm confused about the mental effects, which I understand are much more profound than the physical ones.  I guess in the end it doesn't really matter, because I'll be happy to just feel like a congruous, functioning human being.  But...  still.  I don't like the idea of something just sort of changing my interests or lobotomizing me into being a frilly, girly-girl or something.  I already have a fairly low testosterone without the HRT, and I've always felt I've had a very good idea as to who I am.  I like metal.  I like leather and lace and studs and fun.  I love science-fiction novels.  I love being me.

I just worry about HRT somehow turning me, against my will, into some romance novel reading, chocolate eating, fake-blonde replica of my...  my...  my mother.  God, no.  Please!  Please no!  Someone reassure me!  Say it ain't so!

...  Hug?

~ Blair

Quote from: Blair on February 26, 2007, 03:33:36 AMI love being me.

remind me why you'd like to transition?


I had this same surface mentality before I came to terms, massive ego I thought I quite likedbeing me and I thought I was better than everyone else, maybe that's just how i delt with it I really don't know. but honestly I absolutrly hated who I had turned myself into to fit in as male, it wasn't really about the physical side of transition for me that was the motivator it was more the fact that I longed to fit in for who I truely was.

that said I'll give an honest answer to your question:


I still like (good) metal, I started wearing wear leather and right now I'm sitting in bed reading a red dwarf novel

what's changed? not much really, I have changed massively as a person over the last few months but it's got very little to do with my interests, I'm probably nothing like you but I have a very wide range of interests, there are few people I don't have something in common with.

But what it comes down to with most people I think is that they move on from habbits/interests which they used to just forget, like i used to play a ton of online games just so i could switch off and forget things, I have no need to now so I rarely play games now, I do occasionally especially with my flatmate late into the night with friends on his wii.

Have I turned into my mother? honestly kinda, she died when I was 10 and she was an absolutely fantastic person and I consider being like her no bad thing at all.

Quote
I don't like the idea of something just sort of changing my interests or lobotomizing me

I can sympathise with that thought.

But you have to consider that part of what we had to do to fit in and appear male to function in this arrangement SOMETIMES generates a 'what we perceive' we should like likes and such. In essence sometimes our façade is quite intricate, and sometimes not at all. Truthfully the more honest you are with yourself the less you will change because you all ready ARE you. At least, that is how it seems to me AND how it worked in my case.


My musical tastes are the same. My entertainment tastes are the same. (Yeah, I enjoy FPS games, ^*gasp*.) Etc. and so on.

This process, HRT included, is not a YOU WILL CHANGE, it is simply a possibility that you MAY CHANGE, perhaps a lot, perhaps a little, and perhaps you will find you are HAPPIER as someone you would not even recognise.

Truthfully it is probable that you WILL change, but that does not mean your interested will go polar opposite if you truly like what you do.  But THAT is the key to this. Happiness. Trust me if you find you tastes shifting, you really do not mind.  ^*shrug* What parts of you that will change will NOT be against your will. HRT is not a mind control type thing after all.

Finding ourselves is a moving target. HRT is a piece of that, a component only. Um, have I said be true... honest to yourself enough yet? That truly IS the key.

Besides, if you find you like say, reading romance novels... ^*shrug* Is that bad?  I would rather like something odd than lie to myself and pretend I like something I truly don't.

In essence, you are still you when all is said and done. But note, it's a you that is far closer to what is ACTUALLY you than most people get to enjoy.

Great advice so far Blair.

You will not be lobotomized, in fact it has never been proven that HRT affects the mind as most of the changes are physical.  I think that everyone experiences a sense of euphoria once they start HRT as it is a huge step on the road to our final goal.

I can certify that my interests didn't change that much and I think that the most significant change I experienced is that I lost interest in woodworking.  I'm not sure why as there are plenty of female woodworkers.  The only thing I can attribute this to is that my interests were somewhat consumed by transition.

Steph

I also used to really enjoy woodworking as I could just forget things and focus on making something nice, I've not lost all interest, if I need some furniture I'll build some it's just it's not what I do for "fun", life is good now so I don't want to close my eyes to it.

I embrace the day I can start HRT stop being this person Im not, aas the years have gone bye I have turned myself into someone that I dont reconise. I had to be masaline for the people around me.   I like scfi but I love a romanic noval as well, I just want to be myself and start living life and stop hiding from it.

The physical changes will change my mind because I will be more confident looking like the person I feel like inside. So the mind onset will change, becoming happier as the transition comes to anm end knowing you are finally the woman you are. Its a long hard ride to get there sure but worth it in the end.

Good Luck
LUCY

Hey!

I'm blonde (natural), love eating chocolate, and the vampire books are kinda romancy.   :P

I also like the leather, that has not changed.  >:D  Some things will change and some will not.  For many I believe it is part of finally letting go of the mask that they have been hiding behind.

I grew up liking working with electronics and have played around with that hobby on and off.  When is the last time I pulled out a soldering iron and used it?  Oh that's right, it was yesterday.  Interests don't have to change except now I have to be careful not to burn my hair on the soldering iron. :P  I would say the biggest change is I don't really work on my car anymore because I don't like getting all greasy and spending 2 hours cleaning my hands and arms only to have black gunk on them for the next week or 2.  Anything that did change was only because it seemed less interesting to me and other things I liked just seemed more interesting.  As long as you are doing something you find interesting, why is there a problem?

Melissa

Interests wax or wane for everybody! Don't worry about HRT changing you, your personality will change with or without it, not because of it. If somebody else is suddenly more comfortable in their skin to express themselves in ways they were previously unable to, that's them.

Remember the old saying by Isaac Asimov... "The only constant is change." This is true of society, and certainly true of individuals. I want to embrace my changes, I hope you do as well.

Quote from: Blair on February 26, 2007, 03:33:36 AM
Sort of.

Whenever I think about starting HRT, I get this inexplicable sort of longing, this overhwelming sense that I need that.  It's like I'm a crackbaby or something, born physically craving a substance I've never even put into my system willingly.  I want to be able to just weep and roll with emotion.  Testosterone really is like an emotional cage, and I absoloutely despise it.

On the other hand, though, I'm confused about the mental effects, which I understand are much more profound than the physical ones.  I guess in the end it doesn't really matter, because I'll be happy to just feel like a congruous, functioning human being.  But...  still.  I don't like the idea of something just sort of changing my interests or lobotomizing me into being a frilly, girly-girl or something.  I already have a fairly low testosterone without the HRT, and I've always felt I've had a very good idea as to who I am.  I like metal.  I like leather and lace and studs and fun.  I love science-fiction novels.  I love being me.

I just worry about HRT somehow turning me, against my will, into some romance novel reading, chocolate eating, fake-blonde replica of my...  my...  my mother.  God, no.  Please!  Please no!  Someone reassure me!  Say it ain't so!

...  Hug?

~ Blair

HRT literally revolutionized my mind and life.

It FREED me.

I am still "me", but this morning I marvelled at how so much better a my life is now, how so much better that my mind functions, how much happier that I now am.

The transmutation is nothing short of utterly amazing.

You're on HRT for a while and after a while you find yourself doing a comparative analysis of how you were in the (horrid and painful) past and how that you are now--and to see the improvement and vast difference between the two states is just astounding.


Oh no, dear; fear not.
"Testosterone really is like an emotional cage, and I absoloutely despise it."

The sentiment is echoed.

"T" was destroying me.

Wonderful responses.

Really, last night I was just tired and cranky and blah.  Just to reassure everyone, I am, yes, very honest with myself.  For a very long time I was split in half, but only in the last couple of months have I truly discovered who I am.  In that integration, the main changes I've noticed are:

- A will to live (handy that.)
- Tons of energy.
- MUCH better grades.
- A desire to always have a full schedule, get things done and not waste time.
- A disdain for MMORPGs (which I used to use as an escape as well, now if I do have time for them, I only do it if it's fun.)
- Me being much more honest to myself when I'm attracted to a man.  I used to mentally assault myself for those thoughts. 

Wonderful things, and I know HRT will just make it all even more wonderful.  I suppose I just read a post somewhere that made it sound like I was going to be transformed into my mother or sister (I really don't like them.)  Now that I think about it, though, that just sounds absurd.

I'm so silly.

~ Blair

Quote from: Blair on February 26, 2007, 03:33:36 AM
Whenever I think about starting HRT, I get this inexplicable sort of longing, this overhwelming sense that I need that.  It's like I'm a crackbaby or something, born physically craving a substance I've never even put into my system willingly.

Exactly how I felt. I STILL say HRT literally saved my life and soul. Maybe it was a placebo effect, maybe not. But... before HRT I was miserable and uncomfortable with, well, ME. After HRT I was finally content in my own mind.

QuoteI want to be able to just weep and roll with emotion.

Oh you poor thing, be careful what you wish for, lol... I was ALWAYS emotional and cried easily, but HRT made (or allowed through placebo effect again) that 100x more pronounced. Everything is RIGHT THERE on the surface now, just waiting for any little thing to release it. It's a while new context for the world: you live and swim and exist in emotion, rather than just watch them like some curious scientific phenomenon.

And... it's... FANTASTIC :)

Kate

Quote from: Kate on February 26, 2007, 01:27:24 PM

Quote from: Blair on February 26, 2007, 03:33:36 AM
Whenever I think about starting HRT, I get this inexplicable sort of longing, this overhwelming sense that I need that.  It's like I'm a crackbaby or something, born physically craving a substance I've never even put into my system willingly.

Exactly how I felt. I STILL say HRT literally saved my life and soul. Maybe it was a placebo effect, maybe not. But... before HRT I was miserable and uncomfortable with, well, ME. After HRT I was finally content in my own mind.

QuoteI want to be able to just weep and roll with emotion.

Oh you poor thing, be careful what you wish for, lol... I was ALWAYS emotional and cried easily, but HRT made (or allowed through placebo effect again) that 100x more pronounced. Everything is RIGHT THERE on the surface now, just waiting for any little thing to release it. It's a while new context for the world: you live and swim and exist in emotion, rather than just watch them like some curious scientific phenomenon.

And... it's... FANTASTIC :)

Kate

*twitch*  I need my fix, man. 

Seriously, though, I am looking forward to it.  I get to start HRT after my approval therapy thingy this summer.  In the meantime, I just need to focus on getting through this semester!

Quote from: Blair on February 26, 2007, 01:21:05 PM
Wonderful things, and I know HRT will just make it all even more wonderful.  I suppose I just read a post somewhere that made it sound like I was going to be transformed into my mother or sister (I really don't like them.)

I'm actually starting to look like my sister now which in itself is scary.  Personality-wise I'm not like either my mom or sister.

Quote from: Kate on February 26, 2007, 01:27:24 PM
But... before HRT I was miserable and uncomfortable with, well, ME. After HRT I was finally content in my own mind.

You know I just remembered something.  Before puberty I really wasn't that uncomfortable with my body and as such I didn't really feel a sense of dysphoria.  If you think about it, at that point male and female bodies really are not all that different.  I was jealous of my sister for getting to be a girl, but that was it.  It was after puberty that I became very uncomfortable with myself and even more so as time went on.  Sorry if this goes against the popular "discomfort with your body since 5", but this is how it was for me.

Melissa

Quote from: Melissa on February 26, 2007, 01:43:00 PM
You know I just remembered something.  Before puberty I really wasn't that uncomfortable with my body and as such I didn't really feel a sense of dysphoria.  If you think about it, at that point male and female bodies really are not all that different.  I was jealous of my sister for getting to be a girl, but that was it.  It was after puberty that I became very uncomfortable with myself and even more so as time went on.  Sorry if this goes against the popular "discomfort with your body since 5", but this is how it was for me.

Actually, that's pretty much how it was for me as well.  It makes sense, doesn't it?

~ Blair

Quote from: Blair on February 26, 2007, 01:45:02 PM
Actually, that's pretty much how it was for me as well.  It makes sense, doesn't it?

Sure it does.  One of the things that has helped me come to terms with this is realizing my unique story is really not all that unique.  It seemed everyone else would always follow the "typical" story and because I didn't it cause me a lot of questioning in the beginning.  It eventually was revealed, that many others do not follow the typical story where they grew up liking boys and knew from age 5 they were female.  Sure there are some who do follow this, but not everyone does.

Melissa

Quote from: Blair on February 26, 2007, 01:21:05 PM
Wonderful responses.

Really, last night I was just tired and cranky and blah.  Just to reassure everyone, I am, yes, very honest with myself.  For a very long time I was split in half, but only in the last couple of months have I truly discovered who I am.  In that integration, the main changes I've noticed are:

- A will to live (handy that.)
- Tons of energy.
- MUCH better grades.
- A desire to always have a full schedule, get things done and not waste time.
- A disdain for MMORPGs (which I used to use as an escape as well, now if I do have time for them, I only do it if it's fun.)
- Me being much more honest to myself when I'm attracted to a man.  I used to mentally assault myself for those thoughts. 

Wonderful things, and I know HRT will just make it all even more wonderful.  I suppose I just read a post somewhere that made it sound like I was going to be transformed into my mother or sister (I really don't like them.)  Now that I think about it, though, that just sounds absurd.

I'm so silly.

~ Blair

If anything, it will make you more of who you really are.

You won't 'mutate' into something wholly undesirable.

Fear not, my sister.

HRT was the single greatest thing I have ever put in my body, beside the physical things, my well being has created in me the ability to positively express myself without holding anything back. It in itself is euphoric and is worth doing.

Hmmm, there were a couple if interesting changes I hadn't expected, though again it could be a placebo effect for all I know. Am I different person now... or just released my true self? Who knows, but:

1) I used to really enjoy playing Halo on xBox with my friend(s). Now I just cannot get interested in it.

2) I used to drive, uhm, *enthusiastically* shall we say. About a month into HRT, I realized I was getting MUCH better fuel milage, and I tried to think back... what did I change in the last month that would account for this? And suddenly realized what it was... I drive *totally* different, much more fluid, calm, and relaxed. I just don't CARE about driving like I once did.

3) Cheese. Cheese. More cheese please. God help me, I can't get enough. I enjoyed it before, but now... omg.

4) Hate ice cream now. I was an addict before HRT, eating bowls and bowls every day. Now... couldn't care less.

5) Men. Oh my. Who knew? By far the most surprising revelation. And yet, in hindsight, most of my friendships with guys were actually more like platonic, yet romantic relationships. Especially with one boy in particular - it was everything EXCEPT sexual.

For what it's worth, my wife insists that I'm a very, very different person now - which is why we're having such problems. It's not a simple matter of being the "same person, just different body."

All that being said, I'm very, VERY delighted and content with everything that "changed," as it all FINALLY feels right and congruent with who I am.

Kate

Quote from: Kate on February 26, 2007, 04:24:26 PM
1) I used to really enjoy playing Halo on xBox with my friend(s). Now I just cannot get interested in it.

My interest in video games waxes and wanes.  There still times I LOVE playing them and other times I totally don't feel like playing them.  Lately I really haven't had much desire to play them, but I'm sure it will eventually come back.

Quote from: Kate on February 26, 2007, 04:24:26 PM
2) I used to drive, uhm, *enthusiastically* shall we say. About a month into HRT, I realized I was getting MUCH better fuel milage, and I tried to think back... what did I change in the last month that would account for this? And suddenly realized what it was... I drive *totally* different, much more fluid, calm, and relaxed. I just don't CARE about driving like I once did.

I wish my driving style would change.  I'd be a lot safer on the road.

Quote from: Kate on February 26, 2007, 04:24:26 PM
3) Cheese. Cheese. More cheese please. God help me, I can't get enough. I enjoyed it before, but now... omg.

Oh yes, the salt. :)

Quote from: Kate on February 26, 2007, 04:24:26 PM
4) Hate ice cream now. I was an addict before HRT, eating bowls and bowls every day. Now... couldn't care less.

Interesting.  I never really liked it that much, but I had no idea this had changed for you.  After all, you are the one who usually tells me to get some when I'm depressed.

Quote from: Kate on February 26, 2007, 04:24:26 PM
5) Men. Oh my. Who knew? By far the most surprising revelation. And yet, in hindsight, most of my friendships with guys were actually more like platonic, yet romantic relationships. Especially with one boy in particular - it was everything EXCEPT sexual.

Yep, an interest in men is definitely a surprising change.  I never thought it would happen to me either.  Fortunately I still have an interest in women as well.

Quote from: Kate on February 26, 2007, 04:24:26 PM
For what it's worth, my wife insists that I'm a very, very different person now - which is why we're having such problems. It's not a simple matter of being the "same person, just different body."

I see it as being more alive now.

Quote from: Kate on February 26, 2007, 04:24:26 PM
All that being said, I'm very, VERY delighted and content with everything that "changed," as it all FINALLY feels right and congruent with who I am.

Yep, agreed.

Melissa

Quote from: Blair on February 26, 2007, 03:33:36 AM
I just worry about HRT somehow turning me, against my will, into some romance novel reading, chocolate eating, fake-blonde...

Ya know, come to think of it, this is exactly the much-desired fantasy of an entire "forced feminization" subculture of erotica out there...

Kate

Quote from: Kate on February 26, 2007, 06:51:39 PM

Quote from: Blair on February 26, 2007, 03:33:36 AM
I just worry about HRT somehow turning me, against my will, into some romance novel reading, chocolate eating, fake-blonde...

Ya know, come to think of it, this is exactly the much-desired fantasy of an entire "forced feminization" subculture of erotica out there...

Kate

Seriously? ??? I find that very confusing.

Quote from: Tak on February 27, 2007, 05:53:07 AM

Quote from: Kate on February 26, 2007, 06:51:39 PM

Quote from: Blair on February 26, 2007, 03:33:36 AM
I just worry about HRT somehow turning me, against my will, into some romance novel reading, chocolate eating, fake-blonde...

Ya know, come to think of it, this is exactly the much-desired fantasy of an entire "forced feminization" subculture of erotica out there...

Kate

Seriously? ??? I find that very confusing.

I'm guilty of indulging in it during my 20s-30s. Not becoming a bimbo or anything, but pretty much being forced into being a normal woman living a normal woman's life... like a forced body swap with some random woman.

Some theorize it has something to do with the mind trying to find a way to transition via imagination, especially by removing all guilt and blame for having it happen. And/or it's the mind trying to find a way to feel it's female sexuality. Or... oh who knows?

BUT, this is why the autogynaphilia theory really caught my attention. There are certainly aspects of it which apply to me, though there's no way to know what causes what. Luckily, my TSism feelings were there in my earliest years, with the erotic feelings only coming on around puberty, so it's not like I want to be a girl BECAUSE it's a turn on.

In the end though, it just doesn't matter anymore. The need is what it is regardless of the explanation. I'd rather transition and discover years from now, "oops, I guess it was all an erotic fantasy!" then waste the rest of this lifetime away trying to explain it all, looking for that 100% gauruntee that just isn't ever coming. I *must* address this question before I die, even if I don't like the answer I find.

Kate

I find that interesting.  As a young teenager (perhaps pre-teen), I would daydream about being able to magically swap bodies with a girl (I'd feel guilty thinking that she had to have my body though) and this had absolutely no sexual connotation to it.  In my imagination all I did is go around and do the daily things of this person.  I did not realize thoughts like this were not normal and thought all guys had thoughts like this.

Melissa

Quote from: Melissa on February 27, 2007, 10:58:34 AM
I find that interesting.  As a young teenager (perhaps pre-teen), I would daydream about being able to magically swap bodies with a girl (I'd feel guilty thinking that she had to have my body though) and this had absolutely no sexual connotation to it.  In my imagination all I did is go around and do the daily things of this person.  I did not realize thoughts like this were not normal and thought all guys had thoughts like this.

Me too, though the fantasies evolved over the years, getting more and more complicated. I got around the guilt of imposing a male body on her by assuming she WANTED it, was basically a f2m (though I didn't know about them at the time). Or eventually it was her slipping me a magic pill, magic spell, or whatever. Medical emergencies or mistakes where brains were swapped. You name it, my imagination found a way. The eroticism crept in much later, though even then, it was never about playing with body parts or anything, it was the situation itself somehow, being accepted as a female... and only MUCH later (young adulthood) did it start including sex with men.

I dunno, it's almost hard to remember now, as I'm SO different personality-wise, I've lost the context and motive for why I thought the way I did back then. I still don't understand the convoluted motives for all that, but I DO know that when I fell apart a year ago, and realized I was going to have to DO something about all this, everything SHIFTED into a new context, and sorted itself out, and suddenly ALL "coping" methods became useless... including those fantasies.

Kate

Oh, yes.  Yes yes.

I loved fantasizing about exactly that when I was young.  The eroticism crept in fairly early for me (and is still there, I'm a very sexual person), but I don't really feel badly for it.  To be honest, I'm very frustrated.  Who wouldn't be?  Every time I've had sex with this other body it feels ick and blah and goodlordIneedtogetawayfromhere.  However, in my fantasies (with, say, my history teacher for example), the mere thought just makes my chest flutter.

Something right, there.

Actually I have a FtM friend outside of this board, and he and I once jested with the thought of brain transplants. Truth be told, I'd not wish this body on anybody. I'm allergic to everything under the sun and can't do much of anything without having serious asthma attacks, control medication doing so little to help that it isn't even worth taking. I'm prone to tons of illness, too, but I don't want to sound like a whiny so-and-so... cause... :] With the prospect of change coming soon, I'm feeling pretty darned happy!

Quote from: Kate on February 27, 2007, 11:51:06 AM
I got around the guilt of imposing a male body on her by assuming she WANTED it, was basically a f2m (though I didn't know about them at the time).

Oh yeah, that's another thing.  I didn't think anybody would actually "want" a male body because I certainly didn't.  I thought of males as the unlucky ones and we just had to live with it.  I mean who would want a body that I found to be totally disgusting?  I had this very complex set of misconceptions that helped me get by for years.

Melissa

Actually, I started to get thoughts when I was 11 or 12, but I did not think about the reasons why much.  The whole thing with somebody who is 5-8 is more rare than anything else.  For quite a few people the first thoughts creep around puberty because that is when gender becomes more important, and the incongruity becomes more defined.   

I cannot wait to start HRT.  There is no fear about what will happen.  I am not sure how my interests will change...because they are already pretty feminine.  So how are they going to change even more.   

Of course my interests tend to skew a bit twee, especially with regards to music.  It is all pretty soft and quite, and more often just really cute.  The thing is I always wondered if I was attracted to the indie pop sub-culture because it did skew a bit more feminine in the first place.

The thing is I am not even on HRT, and I love chocolate, I listen to cute indie pop music, I love craft fairs and I am a sucker for any movie that can make me cry, especially old black and white ones. 


I play videogames on occasion, but pretty rarely.  I guess final fantasy or something on my DS. 

I keep asking myself, how is this going to make me more feminine in terms of interests.  The thing is with me, is this cutesy side will come out a bit more, and but the reality is I know it will help me be more comfortable wit myself, which is really what HRT is for.    I will have less fears about going out.   

I think HRT is a vehicle to help unlock your true self a bit more.  I personally have no anxiety about it other than what am I going to do at work when changes become really apparent.       

Don't worry about your interests changing.  That will happen throughout your life anyway with or without HRT.