Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Twenty years ago when I told my wife I had gender issues things went very badly.  Over the last few years this entire situation has been eating me up inside, and I finally had to tell her what I was going through.  And tell her how my dysphoria is quite real and will not go away.  She has known I grew rather large breasts, and that I wasn't concerned about them, but now she knows how I really feel about my feminine side.  I told her I'm not gay or attracted to men, and the situation is not at all sexual.  And most of all that gender dysphoria is not a sexual thing, and they are entirely different.  Especially for me.  I also made sure I told her how much I love her, and that I never want to hurt her. 

Well, after explaining self medication she was a little shocked, so I also explained how I stopped and saw the doctor about my gender dysphoria.  I told her about my test results, and what the doctors visits were all about.  She now knows I have high estrogen tests, and that I just got a weird testosterone test that even I'm worried about.  Then after a few minutes of her being a bit confused by the conversation, something surprising happened.  She looked at me and said she has known that my gender issues were bothering me and that she had already accepted the person I was.  That surprised me, and although it sounded stupid, all I could say was a very sincere "God, thank you."

So we went on discussing things more for a short time.  We talked about the problems I have had getting to a Gender Specialist, my turning down the local therapist, and the results of all the tests.  She has focused on the strangely very high testosterone level that's combined with the slightly high estrogen.  Even though the doctor didn't raise concerns, my wife wants to know more.  It turns out my health is more important to her than the gender thing, and that was extremely comforting to me.

But, the one thing she did not want to discuss is what I'm doing next.  Throughout the day we went on to talk about our upcoming business ventures, and investments, but we never got into how far I am going with my gender.  I can see she wants to say something, but just won't talk about it.  So now I have no idea what changes she can accept from HRT.  Maybe she hasn't worked this out as much as she says.  Or is it that she really doesn't care?  I just don't know, and if she won't tell me I'm walking in the dark. 

Anyone out there have a suggestion?

very familiar. Told my wife years ago but disphoria came back. Open up to my wife. She said that she would support me. Did not want to talk about though. My wife had time to think about it. She is not a lesbian and is having truoble dealing with this. Don't push just wait. I know you want to talk about it,  I know I did. Longer I waited further into disphoria I went. At this point she needs time. I got support from here(susans) to get through this point. It did not work out with my wife. She just kept holding me back.She supported me one minute then told me all of the things that boughtered her the next. I stopped doing the things that boughtered her and more things boughtered her. It just lead me right back to were I started. Truth is she didn't want me to do anything just say the way I was before. I suppose she was worried about what I would think of her is why she did not come out and say she disapproved of it to start with.

All I can say is I hope the best for you. It is just as hard on them as it is us. Like other here told me, "you have had a life time to figure out this stuff, but she is just learning of it." Everything you need from her concerning this is what she needs from you as well.

I'm a little different to most people in here as I've never had a wife or ever wanted to have a wife or get married to a woman. For me it felt wrong and I wish there were others who had similar experiences to my own? so many subjects in this forum are about wives which does alienate me somewhat.

Quote from: Naturally Blonde on June 16, 2012, 10:59:53 AM
I'm a little different to most people in here as I've never had a wife or ever wanted to have a wife or get married to a woman. For me it felt wrong and I wish there were others who had similar experiences to my own? so many subjects in this forum are about wives which does alienate me somewhat.

I know how you feel.

Quote from: Natalie <3 on June 16, 2012, 12:47:49 PM
I know how you feel.

hang in there. If you are here others are coming also. I see new people here all the time both younger and older Just read the mess we are in and don't repeat our mistakes and the things that make sense to you follow. Glad to have your input.

Sorry, I shouldn't bring up the wife.   It's not helping if others are alienated. 

And thanks Jainie. 

My wife knew from about day one my history. When we first started going out 30+ years ago I had given up on any hope of transition and opted for trying "normal" with some pre-conditions. Like no way could I stop completely including the occasional escape to cross-dress for the day. For the most part she was OK with that.

Now that my dysphoria has reared it's ugly head big time I've basically blown my wife's conviction that I was just a CD and not a TS. (Blown mine a bit too! Like who wants to be trans?) She is scared and worried about the future. Foremost she is scared for my mental well being followed by safety.

Worrying about where where things may lead is a sure fire way to smoke your brain and freak yourself out. Especially if you really don't want to transition, or to see your spouse transition. We both try to live in the moment and not project too much into the future.

If you've been self medicating to the point of having a great pair there is no way your wife did not take notice of it long ago. As well as noticing a few other side effects like no libido and the emotional upheavals when you started. Since she knew from years ago your feelings, she just surmised what may be happening.

If you are not taking an anti-androgen as well as E, it is possible for you to have an OK T level. I can tell the difference within a week or so if I stop my AA. Years ago I had tried HRT twice. Once was straight E, the second time E plus spiro. The AA sure made a difference. Androcur really kicks some T ass! Which is what I now do but only in a very small dose. My T stays well down in the basement according to my blood tests.

I've known girls years ago doing only E. While back then quantitative measurements were rare, some had confessed to being just as horney and able to perform as pre estrogen.

Quote from: Naturally Blonde on June 16, 2012, 10:59:53 AM
I'm a little different to most people in here as I've never had a wife or ever wanted to have a wife or get married to a woman. For me it felt wrong and I wish there were others who had similar experiences to my own? so many subjects in this forum are about wives which does alienate me somewhat.

I used to think I was different, because I knew a long time ago that I would never be happy in a relationship with a woman.  In fact seeing attractive young women would fill me with anger because they were enjoying and taking for granted what I was denied.  And trying to date and engage in romance with women caused me to go into a suicidal depression.

For me being "trans" is the curse that keeps on cursing.  I have nothing and no one and I have learned to accept that I never will.  Well I do have my hatred and my anger.  I guess that's something.

For a while I thought transition would allow me to have the life I needed but after struggling and sacrificing for many years I realize that I was a delusional fool.  And my hatred for attractive young women has come back in spades.

I have to talk to her some more, but things have to settle for a short time. 

I always felt like I wasn't able to control some strange game I had to play, or at the least that someone was forcing me to live life only as a man.  All I need is to give myself some freedom.  Maybe not everything is in my future, but I must get on with this. 

Wives ... female partners, alienation...
Well, I had my share, now divorced since 32 years, still friends, at least something other than some unsavoury split up. As painful as it was FOR MANY YEARS... Yet the one decent thing for me to do back then - not even knowing or acknowledging my 'condition' back then!

But all the same, it is somewhat alienating to read about those unresolved and still pending and painful marital issues. Even for someone that had been married if many years back.
The female person thought they'd married a man – and now THIS?!?
I mean, WHO can blame them? And who to blame them for not wanting to become a lesbian? That - is something ANY female would want to contemplate for herself – not being steam-rollered into by circumstances. Or?

I took custody of my 8 year old son back then –
Now ... I'm neither a father nor a mother ... as once again can be seen on this day. The price we pay... just one of many.

So? It seems a case of: "Just get with the program..." and stop crying in your tea girl...

Kathy, I do so wish you strength - lots of strength, we all seem to need it. Some time or another.

Hugs,
Axélle

Thanks Axelle. 

Your right, and so is everyone else who gives me a kick in the butt.  It's time to move on and stop worrying.  Some things will go wrong anyway.

K

Quote from: kathy b on June 17, 2012, 01:26:30 AM
Thanks Axelle. 

Your right, and so is everyone else who gives me a kick in the butt.  It's time to move on and stop worrying.  Some things will go wrong anyway.

K

Oui, comment vous dite – ça, c'est ma vie aussi ... mais, je ne regrette rien, eh?

No, pas de tout 'le kick in de butte', no, no, ma chérie :)

Axelle

Quote from: Noey Nooneson on June 16, 2012, 06:34:49 PM

I used to think I was different, because I knew a long time ago that I would never be happy in a relationship with a woman.  In fact seeing attractive young women would fill me with anger because they were enjoying and taking for granted what I was denied.  And trying to date and engage in romance with women caused me to go into a suicidal depression.

For me being "trans" is the curse that keeps on cursing.  I have nothing and no one and I have learned to accept that I never will.  Well I do have my hatred and my anger.  I guess that's something.

For a while I thought transition would allow me to have the life I needed but after struggling and sacrificing for many years I realize that I was a delusional fool.  And my hatred for attractive young women has come back in spades.

I have similarities with your first paragraph. But I never had any hatred for attractive young women, just admiration and complete jealousy. I didn't feel it was right to marry another woman or put her through a marriage knowing I was TS.

Quote from: Noey Nooneson on June 16, 2012, 06:34:49 PM

I used to think I was different, because I knew a long time ago that I would never be happy in a relationship with a woman.  In fact seeing attractive young women would fill me with anger because they were enjoying and taking for granted what I was denied.  And trying to date and engage in romance with women caused me to go into a suicidal depression.

For me being "trans" is the curse that keeps on cursing.  I have nothing and no one and I have learned to accept that I never will.  Well I do have my hatred and my anger.  I guess that's something.

For a while I thought transition would allow me to have the life I needed but after struggling and sacrificing for many years I realize that I was a delusional fool.  And my hatred for attractive young women has come back in spades.

THAT - sounds more tragic then needs be?
And oh YES, I go along with "Naturally Blonde" as far as "just admiration and complete jealousy. "

To be jealous of other young and admirable females seems one of the stables of female life, no less. Just look at Cinderella/Aschenputtel, the lot of lore about the subject.
Go back to our school-days and we see the same things. There be ALWAYS one smarter and more beautiful - yet always one less intelligent, and less attractive then we are. Not so?

It is the WAY how we cope with these most natural situations.

Earlier I was ever so down hearted about having become 'invisible' to my family on this Fathers Day, aught I go about it by now hating or despising them?
I don't think so one moment, and may providence help me.

I think even my hormones played me up, I took one more E and feel quite some better, certainly less depressed.
Has ANYTHING at all changed then since this morning? NOTHING. Nothing other then myself, yet I feel quite a lot better.

We can become our own worst enemy at time – and when it happens – we often plain forget just that.

We all wish you to get over this dark awful spot.

Please ... get better soon, eh?
Axélle

I am so jealous of you Naturally Blond.  LOL.   Because I can't go back to my 20s and fix things, my world will change now instead.   So from my heart, thank you.

Et merci à vous Axelle.  My French is quite poor because I watch french movies and quote them when it seems right.  Dreamed of life in Paris since my teenage years, and took French in school, but got kicked out for not doing homework. 

My favorite movie is still Amelie.  Very fun, and warming.

K

Quote from: kathy b on June 17, 2012, 07:32:09 AM
I am so jealous of you Naturally Blond.  LOL.   Because I can't go back to my 20s and fix things, my world will change now instead.   So from my heart, thank you.

I wish I could also go back to my 20's too! or that my 20's were happening right now as opposed to the 1980's when it was a lot harder for me to stand up for what I believed in, but I still stuck to my principles and the way I felt!

Why do folk put their partners through this knowing full well in 20 years time they are going to suddenly come out to their wife and kids (and in some cases the poor wife has have no idea of their intentions) and say that they are transsexual. Why put people through that trauma if you know you are TS in the beginning? I understand there are pressures but you still had that choice and you chose to get married.

Well, I have no excuse or apology for my actions.   Probably like many others I caved in with the fear and society pressure that existed in the 60s and early 70s.  My therapist in 1974 told me to put my gender issue aside and move on to a normal life, or I risked being branded forever.  Yes, I chose the easy way, and it hurts to think about it now.  Some mistakes are trivial, while others hurt and last forever.  Sometimes even stupidity shouldn't be forgiven.

K

Quote from: kathy b on June 17, 2012, 10:59:24 AM
Well, I have no excuse or apology for my actions.   Probably like many others I caved in with the fear and society pressure that existed in the 60s and early 70s.  My therapist in 1974 told me to put my gender issue aside and move on to a normal life, or I risked being branded forever.  Yes, I chose the easy way, and it hurts to think about it now.  Some mistakes are trivial, while others hurt and last forever.  Sometimes even stupidity shouldn't be forgiven.

K

I understand the desire to just be normal.  I also understand getting married as an effort to become normal, to cure one's self.

My thought regarding Naturally Blonde was that sometimes we like to think we are different when really all it amounts to is "thinking".  We aren't different, we were stuck in different situations, presented with different options and tried to make the best choice possible.

I used to think I was different.  Now I realize I was creating separation in my mind.

Quote from: kathy b on June 17, 2012, 10:59:24 AM
Well, I have no excuse or apology for my actions.  Probably like many others I caved in with the fear and society pressure that existed in the 60s and early 70s.  My therapist in 1974 told me to put my gender issue aside and move on to a normal life, or I risked being branded forever.  Yes, I chose the easy way, and it hurts to think about it now.  Some mistakes are trivial, while others hurt and last forever.  Sometimes even stupidity shouldn't be forgiven.

K

I remember reading about the model Tula she started her transition in 1975. So people did transition in those days. I totally understand what you mean about society pressure and social pressures and the pressures can be so bad depending on where you live and where you were brought up. I was brought up in a fairly hard environment and got beaten up a lot at school and called 'girl' and it was quite a miserable time for me.

Quote from: Noey Nooneson on June 17, 2012, 01:50:34 PM

My thought regarding Naturally Blonde was that sometimes we like to think we are different when really all it amounts to is "thinking".  We aren't different, we were stuck in different situations, presented with different options and tried to make the best choice possible.

I used to think I was different.  Now I realize I was creating separation in my mind.

I think we are all in the same situations but some of us thought about how things would be in the future a lot more. I was different, both mentally and physically and It wasn't anything created in my mind.

Quote from: Felicitá on June 17, 2012, 01:32:34 PM
Naturally Blonde, I never married or had kids. I knew I had to do this, I just didn't know when. Knowing who I was in my heart prevented intimacy with anyone. I'm attracted to women and feminine guys. But I believe I'm more attractive than the women I dated as a guy person :P. Any jealously quickly converts to aspiration.  Jeez, I sound deluded.

I spent 7 years living with a lovely guy (my soul mate at the time) who was tolerant of my pre-opness. It was practically a platonic relationship. Of course, no kids possible. Then one day he said it didn't feel right and went off, got married and had kids. I've ruled out any further relationships until after SRS.

I see myself lucky I got started in my 20s, 17 years ago, and could concentrate on transitioning without the burden of a wife and kids. I can only imagine it being like purgatory if I started now, especially with kids in tow.

You're all so brave!

I think your right Felicitá and they are brave, especially if they knew they were trans and still went ahead and got married and lived a life they didn't really want. You are lucky Felicitá if you think you are more attractive than cis women. I don't have that sort of confidence even though I'm comfortable as a female and have been in transition a long time. 

Quote from: Naturally Blonde on June 17, 2012, 02:02:19 PM
I think your right Felicitá and they are brave, especially if they knew they were trans and still went ahead and got married and lived a life they didn't really want. You are lucky Felicitá if you think you are more attractive than cis women. I don't have that sort of confidence even though I'm comfortable as a female and have been in transition a long time.

More attractive than SOME cis women? Erm, that isn't too difficult. I can assure you you're also more attractive than some too. Don't put yourself too down.

Quote from: Naturally Blonde on June 17, 2012, 09:36:00 AM
[clipped]
Why do folk put their partners through this knowing full well in 20 years time they are going to suddenly come out to their wife and kids (and in some cases the poor wife has have no idea of their intentions) and say that they are transsexual. Why put people through that trauma if you know you are TS in the beginning? I understand there are pressures but you still had that choice and you chose to get married.

I chose to get married when I was 22 ... it was the done and practical thing to do. I was in the Air Force and it afforded me quite some extra pay.
I also though the girl-friend I had was 'just fine' and not much better would come along. I also had lost my virginity to her - she had lots more experience then I did.
I was orphaned at age 12 and just busy to get on with what the heck to do next with my live.
TS?!? If you would have explained or even mentioned it - I'd have been plain dumb struck. Though in retrospect all the sign were there.
But in 1968 WHAT did we know? Never mind what did we think what was EVER anything like a possibility for us (well for me).
I had a VERY, extremely limited horizon, when looking back. Most had BTW!

Then the wife falls pregnant, not planned at all. She had though she could not have kids anymore after a VERY late and life-threatening abortion (5th month! from a previous boy friend)...
It is soooooo easy to overlook or look back and make assumptions about the past - if one was not part and parcel of this past.

Maybe --- all of you younger folks will just try and give that some consideration?

How folks in the 60s came to have SRS, is almost some sort of miracle, beyond imagination ... it sure was NEVER EVER even the SLIGHTEST consideration for most. NEVER in ones dreams! HRT, FFS, BA ... you must be JOKING. Maybe for the jet-set, no such thing for 'normal' folks.

Lastly we are speaking (I am) of growing up in post-war Germany. We walked, no questions asked EVER, - 4 - 5 km to school and back, EVERY DAY!
In the rain, the dark in winter, in summer heat, in EVERY weather on offer in Central Europe... from – 16 deg C to + 36 deg C, sow, rain, the lot. IT WAS NORMAL!
Mentioning this today, young people think you are bull-->-bleeped-<-ting, can't be, unthinkable, or what ever.
If you were not part of the situation, you can not get into the mind-set. Not really.

My 2 cents, not even sure anyone wishes even to hear it,
Axélle
PS: and IF you'd 'transition' you were the neighbourhood freak. If young enough send to a mental hospital and given electro-shock to fix you. I happen to know folks that was done to them - those brave AND desperate enough to even TRY. Food for thought?
And, Paragraph 175 of German criminal law, would make sure you go to prison for being a homosexual - for a minimum of 2 years.
Transition?! Then?! Good luck to you, YOU WERE FINISHED - before you even tried!

In California being trans or gay during the 1960's wasn't illegal, but for some it was a reason to be declared incompetent and sent to a mental hospital for treatment.  In the SF bay area if a person was "different" people would say they were going to be sent to Napa.  Yes, the same Napa that is now famous for fine wines.  Back then there was very little wine, and it was home to an infamous hospital and insane asylum. 

I left California for a couple years after seeing the therapist, and after returning I was surprised by the changes that started with the SF gay movement.  That eventually spread to the trans scene, but by then I had married. 

Quote from: Axélle on June 17, 2012, 11:27:39 PM
TS?!? If you would have explained or even mentioned it - I'd have been plain dumb struck. Though in retrospect all the sign were there.
But in 1968 WHAT did we know? Never mind what did we think what was EVER anything like a possibility for us (well for me).
I had a VERY, extremely limited horizon, when looking back. Most had BTW!

1968? that was a long time ago! I was talking more about people who got married in the 1980's or early 1990's. A 20 year window where being TS was more widely known.

Quote from: Naturally Blonde on June 18, 2012, 04:25:00 AM
1968? that was a long time ago! I was talking more about people who got married in the 1980's or early 1990's. A 20 year window where being TS was more widely known.

Frankly, back in Germany from SA in the 90s (~90 – 98) other then not being locked up, being a "HOMO", who knew trans?! --- it was the ONLY difference I could tell, not being locked up.
Now again we are talking not living in some sub-culture environment SF Flower-Power, but normal bourgeoisie, middle-class.

Flower-Power in SF was long over and folks had returned to what was 'normal'. IF EVER IN THESE SETTINGS, they did ANYTHING out of the ordinary in the first place.
So, there you have my impression during the 90s close (20km) to Munich - a world city after all.
I travelled to France and the East and the North of Germany, worked in Nantes, Hamburg, Dresden, Nürnberg, etc. - NOTHING different there either.

The ONLY thing I recall having been asked to 'the back' with a women performer (Animierdame), when visiting, as a one off, a strip-show locality (Hamburg Reeperbahn, no less) – having her penis in my hand in place of a vaja (wow!). That seemed off the scales..., certainly not ANYTHING normal at all, and the word trans-...anything was never in anyone's vocabulary either.

This just for some further perspective.

Most of "us" do NOT come out of some 'highly informed' sub-culture - so we'd been pretty pain dumb-struck by our very condition.
Been by many seen gay/homosexuals and yet, as matter of fact, the MtF MINORITY is just that. Most of us lived in what may be called a "pseudo-lesbian" relationship - if we got married, etc.
Simply DID NOT KNOW... that is what I can relate from MY own situation.

Thank you for listening :)
Axélle

Quote from: Felicitá on June 18, 2012, 06:29:47 AM
I wasn't able to form a relationship to be able to get married. I found the GID made me a complete introvert and prevented me from connecting with anyone. What I'm not sure about is whether the information and knowledge of the existence of transexuality and possible "cure" was the crippling component. Thinking about it, I was crossdressing since I was 6 years old. The "guilt" of that was foremost and attempting to pretend to be a man caused great mental conflict.

My school friends thought I was gay. Ironically, I somehow triggered caring in them and only once got into a fight and they were even then prepared to defend me. There was something about me, an aura? I had the same experience in the cubs. No one ever laid a hand on me or cursed or offended me. I was a pretty boy.

The relationships I did have with women convinced me I wanted to be them and not with them. No wife, no children, my own company, my transition was probably one of the most uneventful that can be. The old self silently stood aside. My neighbours never sussed a thing. I was the new tenant. My experience stands at odds with the rest of the "community".

The courage I read here puts me to shame.

Your experiences are very much the same as mine although I hated the cubs and would never join anything like that! I also got picked on a lot and beaten, especially at school and called 'girl' all the time.